On top of the emotional hardship of separation, separating partners must navigate a host of serious administrative and safety concerns. This page provides resources, many of which are links to external organizations and advice, on safety and legal considerations of separation.
Click on the topics below to expand the resource list.
Safety is a vital consideration throughout the separation process: safeguarding parent-child relationships, safeguarding physical wellbeing, and safeguarding mental and emotional wellbeing. Separation is a challenging time and has the potential to bring out the worst in ourselves and our partners. However, we believe that family renewal depends on understanding these issues and working to mitigate them. By prioritizing the wellbeing of parent-child relationships and co-parenting connections, separating families can work to ensure that the challenges of the present do not undermine lasting family renewal.
Alienation and Estrangement
The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child throughout separation are found in cases of estrangement and alienation. While estrangement often occurs as a result of challenges within the parent-child relationship, alienation results from one parent’s attempts to destroy the other’s parent-child relationship.
Accidental or careless estrangement can occur when a parent consistently fails to fulfill their parenting commitments. They may disappear from their child’s life or establish a pattern of problematic parenting behaviors and lack of engagement. While the offending parent may feel criticized by the other parent, the reality is that they may have earned the child’s disappointment and distance. Even so, this estrangement does not need to be permanent.
In situations of estrangement, parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the estranged parent-child relationship. These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.
Alienation occurs when one parent applies pressure on the child to reject the other parent. However, this animosity towards the other parent can become internalized over time. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) was first identified in the 1980s by Dr. Richard A. Gardner and arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. PAS manifests as a child’s unjustified assault against the character of a parent. While it begins with one parent’s attempts to turn the child against the other parent, the child comes to contribute to this alienation.
A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. This may occur illegally through the sudden disappearance of parent and child, or legally through mobility rights that allow a parent with majority parenting time to relocate themselves and the children far from the other parent.
It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset the risks of estrangement and alienation. The resources on this site can help families to recognize and mitigate risks throughout the separation process.
Domestic Violence and Abuse
Discussions of violence and abuse are always difficult, but especially so in a family setting. However, understanding risk factors and warning signs is important throughout the separation process. The breakdown of intimate relationship, even in relationships with no history of abusive behavior, can precipitate volatile emotions and situations. Often, there is a higher risk of family violence soon after a separation.
Violence and abuse can happen to anyone. Statistics indicate that women experience intimate partner violence at high rates, and these rates increase further for young women, Indigenous women, trans women, LGB+ women, women living with disabilities, and visible minority women. Trans and non-binary individuals experience high levels of intimate partner violence and face unique barriers to support services. Men are also targeted in domestic violence, though underreporting makes male-targeted domestic violence difficult to quantify and limited services are available to meet these needs.
Children may experience family violence directly through threats or abuse, or indirectly through seeing or hearing a family member scared or injured by violence. Children affected by family violence can suffer short- and long-term physical and psychological harm. Witnessing or experiencing violence and living in a state of stress can impact emotional, cognitive, behavioural and social development and can present challenges throughout their lifetime. Parents must be aware of these factors when evaluating and acting on situations of family violence.
The resources that follow present more information on violence and abuse within the separation process. Sometimes violence and abuse are a central cause for separation. Other times, they can emerge from the tensions and changing roles of the separation process. Never are they acceptable.
High-Conflict Divorce
In high-conflict situations, the divorce process has less to do with negotiating financial and parenting plans and more to do with getting even. Each parent has an imagined value for the pain and suffering they experienced in the marriage and look to the divorce to settle the score. Too often, parents in high-conflict divorces have lost sight of the best interests of the children even while weaponizing this catch phrase against each other.
While some couples enter mediation in good faith, many high conflict couples enter mediation simply to either avoid the high cost of the contested battle or to prove the inability of the other to negotiate. Mediation can be just another ploy in the battle to prove who is worse.
But what of the children in high conflict divorce situations? It is vital to remember that parental behaviour has an enormous impact on the wellbeing of children. Children whose parents are embroiled in battles over child custody and access issues feel the stress of their parents’ tension and may feel discouraged from nurturing meaningful relationships with both parents.
To safeguard the parent-child relationships and wellbeing of everyone involved, parents in high-conflict divorces require the help of experienced mediators who can help to prioritize the children’s needs and facilitate the parenting plans and discussions needed to support their transition from a high-conflict marriage to a sustainable co-parenting arrangement. Some of the resources below may help parents in this challenging process.
Related Posts:
Further Resources:
- Divorce and Family Violence Fact Sheet
- Still Hidden in the Closet: Trans Women and Domestic Violence
- Signs of an Abusive Relationship – The Family Place
- Abuse Warning Signs, “Understand Relationship Abuse” National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Domestic Violence – Waterloo Regional Police
- Children exposed to domestic violence represent almost 50% of substantiated investigations by Ontario Children’s Aid Societies – Ontario Association of Children’s Aid Societies
- Recognize domestic violence against men – Mayo Clinic
- Male victims of domestic violence struggle to disclose abuse – Tamara Mathias, Reuters
- Researcher: What Happens When Abused Men Call Domestic Violence Hotlines And Shelters? – National Parents Organization
Disclaimer: This site is not intended to be used as legal advice for any specific legal problem. Our comments are based on observations from personal experience, client cases, and articles.
Navigating the Legal Process for Family Renewal
Our mission is to support separating families to maintain engaged, meaningful parent-child relationships following separation. To meet this mission, parents must take time to understand family law in order to accomplish the best family outcomes.
Family law is multi-faceted and often unwieldly in scope. Though navigating its processes can be confusing and can present legitimate concerns, these systems exist to support parents in making necessary choices for their family. This website is based upon observations and insights gained from years of work with separating families in Ontario, Canada. However, it is important to recognize that the legal expectations and limitations of family law vary with changing times and locations. To understand how your family will be affected by family law, it is important to connect to current legal resources within your community.
Despite these difference in legal specifics, we believe that all families can benefit from shared stories of challenges and opportunities experienced while navigating this legal process. These shared experiences remind us that we are not alone in our struggles. They provide cautionary tales of challenges to anticipate and mitigate. They remind us that other families have emerged from the legal system despite these challenges. The tools and concepts at the heart of this website are not limited to legal expectations. Rather, concepts like no-fault divorce, co-parenting, and family renewal build upon skills in communication and connection that can help to improve outcomes for all families when navigating the legal process of family law.
Anticipating Challenges
It is important for parents to understand the limitations and shortcomings of family law. By its design, the legal system assumes and reinforces an adversarial approach to separation. Lawyers focus on improving outcomes for their client, and too often this process involves discrediting the other parent and promoting a biased narrative that favours their client. Though these strategies may support short-term legal outcomes, they can create long-term damage to the co-parenting relationship and individual parent-child relationships.
It is also important to consider that legal assumptions about the best interests of the children may not account for the values and priorities of your family. Families are not all the same, and it is important to advocate for the values and outcomes that matter to your changing family. Different values define different measures of success, and a one-size-fits-all approach may not serve the interests of your family.
Families and legal professionals who have navigated the legal system often agree that family law is flawed. The process is made all the more challenging at a time when emotions run high and finances become uncertain. However, understanding these challenges can help you to better anticipate and mitigate them. It is too easy to assume that those things would never happen to you. Instead, learn from the stories and experiences of others. Recognize that the challenges are real, and be intentional about choosing to prioritize long-term family renewal as you develop your way forward.
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