My name is Barry Lillie and in 2005 I started a non-profit called Kids n Dad Shared Support (KND) The mission of KND is to ensure that every child following a family breakdown has the daily love and support of both parents and extended families … for a lifetime.

I had three children, ages 12 (G), 16 (G), and 19 (B) at the time of our separation. Each parent-child relationship was different in the intact family and as such each relationship was different in unpredictable ways in the post-separation family. From the outset of our separation, I lived with the fear that I could lose my relationship with each of my children at some time following the separation. Each of your parents likely had that common fear and this may have contributed to your ‘separateness’ from one of your parents and their extended family.

This ‘open letter’ is my attempt to provide an understanding of what occurs in virtually every separating family. Support services are often adversarial instead of healing i.e. intervention (after damage done) delivery of support over timely, preventive delivery of support.

My experience suggests that there is rarely effective support provided to the whole family. Recently a veteran lawyer in our community referred to traditional/common family law as a ‘blood sport’

Calm in the chaos

I began Kids n Dad Shared Support after most of the ‘bad stuff’ in my family’s separation was over and there were signs of calm replacing chaos, resiliency overcoming despair and love/care replacing anger. For many of you who are still separated from a parent, I can only hope that you have moved to a less troubled place in your life. Growing into adulthood is in part about gaining perspective on your journey in order to become a more thoughtful and generous individual, intimate partner and parent.

Since I am talking to those of you who are likely in late adolescence, young adulthood or later, you have likely experienced a failed dating relationship on a personal level or through observing such with close friends. Hopefully, through those shared experience of pain and heartache you have gained perspective that intimate relationships are often bumpy at best and volatile at worst.

If you are reading this message, then you are likely currently viewed by someone who believes that you have been seriously hurt/damaged by your family separation. You may be in the early stages of ‘distancing’ from one parent and one extended family. You may also be in a full-blown estrangement that has been going on for several years.

Some of you may now be ‘somewhat comfortable’ with your anger at that ‘other’ parent; you have ‘moved on’ and try to ignore the questions or thoughts about your other parent by employing the best ‘survival’ techniques in your tool box.

Many of you may be holding on to family histories that lack texture and were written in the heat of an intimate relationship breakdown that hurt you and everyone around you.

Estrangement – a common story

This article from the Globe and Mail was written by a young woman, a child of a separation. Many of you in the long-term estrangement group can probably relate to her blunt assessment of the separation’s personal impact and her attempt to reconcile her feelings about her parents, etc. Her words resonate with most separated children and their elusive search to understand what took place in their life and family’s journey.

I found her personal story incredibly sad because she seemed so detached from both sides of her family, including even her primary, day to day parent-her mother. She was wounded and I would suggest she remains wounded in ways that may jeopardize her hopes and expectations going forward. Again, through her essay we understand the importance of getting the changed, parental relationship under control by finding the best resources to ensure the best opportunity for building enduring, inclusive relationships.

Meanwhile, this National Post article outlines a lengthy custody battle for a little girl. In some ways it may be viewed as a worst case scenario. The reality is that this case begins with that common parental fear of losing their little girl. The ‘fear’ is common in almost every separation with children. This case is not an outlier, except in the costs and length of the trial. Many of you were children who suffered through similar, unending parental conflict; many of you are still suffering from that conflict on special occasions, etc.

Your parents were unable to establish calm from the chaos. Often many unpleasant, negative outcomes derive for all parties from the inability to find their way through the chaos. There are many reasons for the failure; but for those of you estranged for many years the reason hardly matters any more. In many ways it simply remains as your explanation for being ‘stuck’ or for preferring a sort of comfortable place (risk freer).

Stuck and/or comfortable as descriptors are not meant to be criticisms. They simply describe where you may be…at this time. The ‘at this time’ is intended to make you think about what is under your control, your determination.

Not too long ago a client (dad) was in court re: a financial matter for post-secondary education and the judge asked his daughter (age 19) why she was not seeing her dad. It had been over 10 years. She referred to an event over a decade old that was considered by F&CS as minor. The father in the intervening decade had no direct contact with her while still meeting his obligations in every way including birthdays and other special events and holidays. In addition he raised his daughter’s brother on his own. He always hoped that brother and sister would eventually find each other. This has not happened!

She is stuck and no one around her including the judge suggested that reconnecting with her dad was ok. They did worse than remain indifferent – they in effect, through silence, endorsed it. This young woman was stuck in someone else’s narrative from yesteryear. She is likely to remain living a life absent of important, love sustaining relationships (father, brother, extended family) based on this faulty, incomplete narrative. The risk, whatever the perception, seems too great I suppose.

Write your own narrative

This open letter is intended to motivate parents and children to write their own life narrative, for better or worse.

The Courts and F&CS too often have abandoned their responsibility re: what separated families need. These bodies are stuck in a time warp and a narrow mandate of child protection. In the Toronto Court Case, it is clear that these organizations failed this young girl, the father, mother and extended families by not intervening and supporting the families in a timely and effective way.

I recently met a woman in her mid-thirties who had not talked to her dad for 25-30 years. The father had intermittently provided financial support and Christmas and birthday gifts. She was asking me the question about reaching out. The father had indicated through letters over the years and recently of his desire to find a way to get together. She was curious and interested; however, another sibling expressed no interest and even anger at such a step.

She was ‘stuck’ still, but not so comfortable. In her mid-thirties her life and relationships were in part still coloured by her parents’ separation and the narrative that she accepted as a child. Her life experiences had taught her that the accepted childhood narrative was likely incomplete and flawed.

Her dilemma is common for many now adult children of a separation. Her dilemma is common to many of you. She has coped ‘well enough’ and is uncertain that a rewriting of her family’s narrative, for better or worse, after so many years’ is worth the risk. Each child has to weigh that question for themselves.

As an aside, I have observed close-up my daughter (adopted at two months of age) go through the adoption registry and re-engage with her birth mother some twenty years later. There were no guarantees for either party that it would be successful or fulfilling; but, for each of them there was a deep need to do what I call the journey to the ‘completing of the whole of the child’. I have come to a place as a consequence of my daughter’s journey where I believe a registry type process should be available through social services that enable estranged children and parents to voluntarily engage in a process for reconnecting.

A few observations about separations

1. If you have not seen your other parent for months and even years consider whether you are stuck with a narrative that may lack texture. Early separation narrative is rarely written with any degree of perspective.
2. We live in a society that believes in no-fault divorce. For the intimate partners, no fault may be irrelevant as they are stuck by anger, revenge, depression and perhaps the need to simply run away. What is important here is whether you believe that relationships do end sometimes awkwardly or worse.
3. Every research project tells us that children are more likely to thrive following a breakdown when both parents and extended family are part of the child’s ongoing life. If that is not your outcome then there is a substantial level of failure by many parties.
4. Read about what happens in too many families and the failing legal process. Rates of situational depression are 4-6 times higher for separated mothers and fathers compared to intact families. Many of you are not seeing your parent or extended family because of parental depression at the time of separating and going forward.
5. You probably have learned by this time in your life that perfection has eluded you as well as your other parent. You just try your best; but consider whether it would be a shame to miss out on the love and support of your other parent because you were afraid to take a brave step and assess that relationship as an adult.
6. Adult parent-child relationships are quite unique, supportive and loving. I have come to believe that they are equally important to the developmental years. The ‘lost’ parent of childhood can be the amazing support in adulthood and to the next generation

Reflections on my journey

My first two children were adopted at 2 months of age. As stated earlier my daughter was 12 when she expressed this ‘need’ to find her birth mother. This was impossible at that time for the process was that you signed an adoption registry at 18 and if both child and birth parent had registered there would be a process to make a coming together happen. At 19 my daughter registered!

As an adoptive parent, I initially found the process hurtful-the rules were changed (sealed information) from when we adopted. However, in time I realized that this was about my daughter and her need to understand, in part, the question of who she is. My love for our daughter didn’t change because of her desire to answer that question. I lived with that fear that I spoke about earlier. But that is my fear.

My daughter had the courage to follow through while still loving us as her mother and father. She and her birth mother took a risk and in doing so added a loving relationship to their day to day lives. It was a risk for both as expectations and reality now intersected. There was no certainty in her situation, nor in your situation. But is continuing based on a flawed narrative really preferable?

My daughter remained my daughter and her need taught me that children, all children have the right to have that question answered about who they are – the completing of the whole child.

I also concluded that no child could have too many persons in their life that love and care for them at any stage of life. I also believe that as an adult I want the opportunity to be loved and to love as many significant persons as possible in my life and to control my own adult narrative.

Christmas is a time when I often reflect on my personal narrative. My daughter who had lived with me for 2 years following the separation had left to return to her mother’s home. I was distraught. After many months of little or no contact a knock on my door occurred near midnight on Christmas Eve. It was my daughter with her boyfriend. With tears in my eyes I welcomed her. For the next 3 hours we talked and talked about her life. What or why the separateness happened did not matter. Her courage and motivation by her boyfriend’s mother (external support) changed our lives forever.

She was the courageous one and I was prepared for such a hopeful happening. When we say that we can’t do this or that, it is rarely accurate. We may not be ready at that moment; but as adults, in the end, we are usually in control of what we choose to do or choose not to do.

There are professionals, friends, etc., who are able to provide additional support to make reconnecting a step by step process or a giant leap of faith or something in between.

In our work with clients and in my personal journey I have concluded that estranged/alienated parents and children live in fear of taking the next step.

There are no guarantees that what you want the other parent to be is what you will find. The best advice for taking a first step (the version of the adoption registry) is that you prepare yourself for whatever happens; but go into it cautiously optimistic. Find a support to make the get together less stressful. Consider employing a professional to moderate the initial meeting. I would focus on the here and now; ask questions about the past only if absolutely necessary in the early stages. Save them for future conversations, if possible. Rebuild on a step by step process.

‘A reconnection for an estranged child is often a time of uncertainty, confusion and even defiance; but usually motivated by a desire to fill a hole in their heart and life, forever. A reconnection for an estranged parent is scary. Most are afraid to reach out; but pray for that moment every day.

– Barry Lillie, founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad