Tag: Fathers

An open letter to separated dads

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

“‘I like to see [my son] before the game. It makes me whole. He doesn’t watch the game out there. He watches in the back. For me, I tell him I love him. He tells me good luck. We have a talk. You’ve got a good thing like that going. I give him a kiss. You have that in your life, what have you got to be mad about. You go out and do your job with ease.’ (Kyle Lowry – basketball player, Toronto Sun Dec. 25, 2014

Fathers

Kyle Lowry captures the transformation that becoming a dad brought to his life. It changed and balanced his priorities– it broughttrue meaning to the rest of his life.

Every dad understands his words and relate to the transformation that takes place.

Talking about fathers is a complicated task, for many of us became a dad in many ways and through many diverse relationships. As such, the impact of separating may differ substantially, and the challenges faced to be an effective dad are different.

Our common starting point, however, must be remembered always and the continuation of that father-child relationship is crucial. Our common fear/risk must also be remembered; namely, that a separation from the other parent could lead to losing the relationship with our child.

While what I call the ‘fear’ may find a home in both parents, the on the ground reality for a dad is likely more real and more concerning.

There will be an opportunity to hear the words (voices) of fathers engaged in the everyday struggle to be an effective and loving parent.

Listen to the voices to understand the challenges; listen to be an inspired parent that provides your children with the gifts of character that are the best of you and may become the best in your child; listen to learn the tools necessary to be an effective parent and how you can acquire those needed skills.

Tools for fathering in a single parent household

  • Kids ‘n’ Dad’s approach is that the term single parent is inappropriately employed and may have an unfortunate consequence of becoming a self-fulfilling outcome.
  •  Every intact family creates two single parent homes and how it plays itself out for each family is to be determined. Marginalizing the other parent always works against the best interests of the children.
  • While we strongly endorse the presumption of a minimum of 40% parenting time for each parent, the reality at this point in time is this is not taking place. The imbalance (besides the effects on the child) has significant consequences on fathers in terms of the psychological/emotional impact, financial assets to provide desired opportunities for their child; and a sense of their long-term impact on raising their child.
  • The starting point must be to assess realistically the challenges that you face in your new single, parent household-i.e. the terms/conditions for setting up a home! As an aside, I did a terrible job of building a home for my children in the early weeks, months and even for two+ years. It could have cost me dearly.
  • Many dads, even with a middle-class income, probably are ill-prepared for the financial impact of a separation. Most families with children spend to their limits; any long-term savings coming from an appreciating home and contribution to a defined pension plan. Most families have credit card debt and car loans. I know that you get the picture.
  • Our Resources also aim to provide guidance on the a more cost efficient way to preserve your family assets to build two households.

Navigating the legal system

The legal system is not built around or for the separating dad and ensuring a strong, every day father-child relationship.

  • A working dad with income below $60,000 before taxes is likely to be squeezed and face on-going debt.
  • Do a realistic financial check-up! Assess what you need to build a new household. Make the necessary adjustments to goal setting. Try not to get into financial disputes with your child’s mother. They are likely no longer interested in your woes. They would rather find someone to listen to their woes.
  • Don’t involve the children in your financial disputes. Find alternative activities and opportunities, if necessary. Grandparents may provide opportunities for your children and basics for you. Grandparents can be complicated relationships in a separation.  Check out the Resource Hub Grandparents section for more.
  • This financial warning must be heard and heeded. You must be realistic and in this section there are ways to be an effective parent in cost efficient ways. These are the voices of other dads.
  • Being a dad in an intact home is very different than in a separating family. It is likely that no one was an overseer in the intact home. Your role as a dad had evolved and become a norm in which the parent- child relationship carried on. For most homes there was an agreed to comfort level.
  • Separating changes the agreed to comfort level/norm. Working toward a new normal is what the separating process is all about. Some fathers find their previously accepted parenting style under attack in the separating family.
  • In an earlier section on telling the children about the separation, it was suggested that you need to assess your relationship with each child- strengths, weaknesses, concerns- in order to be an effective dad.
  • Reflect on the months preceding the actual separation and whether the intimate partner separating that began much earlier had consequences on your parenting relationship with each child. That would not be uncommon for a dad.
  • As you work your way through this section make a list of the changes about to occur in your life. What do you need to support you through the next day or week or months to immediately become a supportive parent? Where can I find such support?
  •  Talk to your employer about possible flexibility in work schedule re: meeting children’s schedules, while a more structured plan is put in place. Research suggests that the initial weeks and months are critical for separating fathers and their children.
  • In the old days (me), dads tended to move out of the family home. It is often not thought out and done out of a sense of failure and even caretaking. It is still occurring; but it is not recommended; unless an interim parenting plan is already agreed to by both parents.
  •  Leaving the family home without the children and any firm parenting agreement begins your complicated, new parenting regime. Often our new/temporary place has no room for our children. Grandparents may or may not be an option depending on their age, location and relationship.

My personal experience after close to 25 years of marriage was that I was ill-prepared to live in a single household for the first time in my life. Even when my daughter came to live with me almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home. Everything was second hand i.e. legs falling off furniture, etc. I didn’t want my youngest daughter to stay with me for my place was so inadequate. Take a moment and think about my mistakes (a few listed below).

  1. Self-sacrifice at my personal expense. I thought I deserved to be punished; b) Penalized my youngest daughter and endangered my relationship with her by not doing sleepovers immediately; c) I had not thought out any parenting plan; d) I went into caretaking mode by thinking I could cope with anything. That was not true; e) Fill in any additional observations for me or yourself!

Steps

Rule 1

  • Find yourself a suitable place to be a continuing parent from the very beginning! This is a must. Think through your options. Talk to the children about the choices or proudly show them your new place and their bedroom, etc.
  • Don’t leave the intact home without a recognized parenting plan and a suitable place to go!

Rule 2

  • The suggestions in Rule 1 are intended to reduce the unpredictability, when one becomes a separated dad. Work through the additional parenting disruptions that must be covered off from day one. Your mindset must change!

 The reality is that unpredictability is likely going to be your constant companion for every personal relationship.

  • Consider that parenting routines may be gone immediately. Attending dance classes, hockey or ringette three days after separating is a formidable challenge. Seeing your children go off with the other parent is an emotional challenge.
  • Informing parents, best friends, colleagues and bosses of your separation and new address, contact number may feel intrusive and may result in self-doubt or feelings of anger or betrayal, if their response fails to meet your expectation.

Rule 3

  • Fathers may reflect on their role in the separating family. As stated earlier, in every family the parents have found their own way of shared parenting. Any number of factors including work, ages and needs of children have been a determining factor.
  • The role of being a dad is more essential and difficult in the separating and changed family!
  • Your role as dad was not challenged in the intact family. Your effectiveness maybe, but not who you are to the children! Your effectiveness may now be challenged and your love for the children may not be enough to sustain the relationship that your children and you need.
  • The default position is not a viable option. An intact home where the mother dominated decision-making and everything children is not a positive option going forward. It may have the consequence of children without their father in their life in a meaningful way.
  • If you were the kind of father that accepted taking your cues from the mother in the intact home, you have a lot of parenting preparation work to do. You may also face verbal or even legal assaults that you were not the primary parent; thus, you should now be even less of a parent.
  •  What was a more than acceptable role in the intact family is now working against you.

“Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship that you have with your children during the marriage.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Rule 4

‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ (Dr. Benjamin Spock)

  • Sound advice for both parents is perhaps more important for separating fathers. Normal conflict in an intact family can become escalated conflict in a separated family. The bad old ways that parents dealt with conflict over the years are no longer acceptable.
  • For a separating dad, some of these ways may be abusive or just as important considered abusive. Effective co-parenting does not thrive in an abusive relationship. The fault does not really matter; the consequences do.
  • Building more effective ways to talk to each other on parenting issues is a key tool. In our parenting section, there are some rules re: behavior necessary for effective co-parenting. In addition, there are several resources on co-parenting.
  • Effective co-parenting requires compromise. Fathers, who had lost their voice in the intact family on parenting concerns, may find that their voice is an unwanted intrusion to the mother. This can lead to more open conflict, reduced cooperation or simply fleeing day to day parenting. In all instances the children lose and as such the parents lose if their goal is to love their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
  • Courses and counselling programs are available for parents who find themselves repeatedly at odds.

Rule 5

  • Effective parenting following a separation is a moving target. Every relationship with your child is subject to the different stages of each child. Some we are prepared for, others may present unique challenges.
  • Many parents separate with children of toddler age or younger. A father from these families faced in years past a judicial approach that refused overnight stays for children before the age of four. While this has changed somewhat, it may be a factor found in assessments for the Courts. You also cannot legislate against judicial bias or a mother’s determination that she is the primary care parent.
  • As a separated father, you must prepare to be an effective parent and fill in any gaps in your parenting comfort level, especially, with younger children.
  • Every parent has gaps in their parenting resume. Own it and then do something about making it your strength!
  • Many dads express the importance of their daughters in their lives. They feel very close and protective. Research (often outdated or biased) in this area would suggest that fathers are less effective and needed as their daughters’ transition through the tween, adolescence and young adult stages of development. There is a moving away from healthy closeness. If this is followed then the father-daughter relationship is at risk during a critical moment in their daughter’s life.
  • A dad is more than capable of understanding and learning to become comfortable with their daughter’s transition into womanhood. If your daughter is uncomfortable with certain conversations, then supporting her to have her own family doctor, female school counsellor, etc.
  • My oldest daughter lived with me for the first years of my separation (age 16-18). I messed up on occasion, but she knew that I would always be there for her. That helped us build a relationship for a lifetime, through whatever.

Rule 6

‘Fathers that have their own special needs face obstacles to parenting their children. It is as if the community has decided that they are incapable of loving their children or of being loved by their children.’ – Barry Lillie Kids ‘n’ Dad

  • Many dads who deal with mental health issues, disabilities and extreme poverty are often left out of the parenting loop. In an intact family, a parent’s illness would be an opportunity for caring and understanding for a child.
  • Parenting would not be considered impossible because a parent doesn’t have the resources to have an appropriate residence.
  • Most shelters for men/fathers are unsuitable for children. Protective shelters for kids and dad are virtually non-existent and receive virtually zero funding. Consider the messages delivered to children about their dad through the way our community supports a separated dad, especially one who has pre-existing health issues.
  • There is a wonderful film based on a true story called the Pursuit of Happyness. The father takes his child to a House of Friendship men’s shelter.

Rule 7

For all of the above rules, there is no certainty that the outcomes are going to be what you want for your children in their journey from childhood to adulthood. Of course, they are uncertain in an intact family, but a separated parent may feel more responsibility for less than ideal outcomes.

  • So hanging in is Rule 7. I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this web site. I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren. I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way. There was such a defining crisis. I always thought- hang in. Be ‘relentless’ in a patient way.
  • I apologize for the hanging in counselling. But when you receive advice or feel the need to flee consider a time-out and the steps necessary for your personal recovery.
  • While many of our resources advocate shared parenting (40% minimum), many clients have built wonderful, enduring relationships with their children with considerably less parenting time. My standard for the minimum parenting time is whether you are confident that you are able to build an enduring relationship that will continue into adulthood. I would not accept any parenting agreement that didn’t provide that opportunity.
  • For some dads, the parenting insult is all consuming. Feeling insulted is understandable; but you cannot allow your sense of injustice to interfere with being an effective parent. The risk is that there are common outcomes for most children of a separation (reread After My Parents Divorced) and eventually teens may make decisions re: their access to you or the other parent. It is too easy to become obsessed with the injustice.
  • Some dads surrender in order to survive. Living without their children and a legal fight without end is unbearable. If you are in this situation, you must get help. Survival is primary, then you build a life from that step. Your children will survive and some part of you is always part of them. I know that adult children are often better equipped to understand what happened to their family based on their own life experiences.
  • You are a role model for your children. They do observe and what they observe can be your gift to them on how to handle adversity and treatment of others.
  • I often say that I would never wish what my family went through to happen to anyone. However, in my calmer moments, I believe that I am a better parent and person for having gone through the chaos. The opening quote from Kyle Lowry makes clear what is important in life.
  • Parenting perfection doesn’t exist in the intact or changed family. Learn to forgive yourself and your child’s other parent. There is a big picture, the long game for separating parents. Try to keep it in mind when facing challenges. Don’t get so thrown off that you run away from parenting opportunities.
  • Don’t disappear or even worse become an in and out parent. It is difficult for even the best of ‘other’ parents to encourage parenting relationships in such circumstances.
  • It is easy to give up too soon. Situational depression is real for dads facing reduced parenting, loss of supports and living outside the family home.
  • Some dads are angry with their children in their teens. They expect more from them when they choose not to follow the access schedule. Teens are different. Read the section on teens and on alienation. Don’t give up on them! Everyone is wounded, even in the friendliest of separations with children. Children did not participate in the decision to separate.

Protecting Your Child as a Non-custodial Dad

Finally, many dads may face a high conflict parenting situation over access and care of the children.

What do you do? Authorities may see safety concerns about the mother’s parenting as a ploy re: trying to win custody of the child. F&CS are however obligated to do an assessment. You need to keep a record of concerns and the steps you have taken. You will likely not become aware of F&CS findings.

 In addition, a report may lead to a backlash by the mother and that could lead to a set of not so happy outcomes: a) interrupted access, initiated by the mother, even against the current parenting plan; b) your child’s being caught in the middle- interview by F&CS and targeted by the mother; c) confrontations on any child exchanges- high risk for abusive confrontations that can change parenting arrangements.

In our work and on a personal journey, assessing your child’s risk in the other home is extremely difficult. You can be found by authorities, such as F&CS or therapists, that you are ‘interrogating’ your child and putting words in their mouths. This is a concern.

My advice is that you must do your own evaluation. Remember that your idea of risk is quite possibly not the view of high risk by F&CS.

 I failed my younger daughter because I was unable to find a way to protect her. I was on the outside and the chaos overwhelmed me. It is my personal shame. In the end, a counsellor for my daughter made a change of residence happen at the age of 17. My daughter was then in her mid-adolescence and the chaos for her diminished.

As important, more calm allowed each parent- child relationship to be renewed in the long-term.

If what you see is high risk, then you must do what I failed to do. Seek the resources to intervene. There are lawyers who specialize in F&CS cases; there are child therapists (do your research), who place the child ahead of gender;

Do it with caution and for the best reason. You will have satisfied the most important quality of being a dad; namely, protecting your child!

 I made a commitment on the day my daughter came to live with me that I would never fail her again. It was the same commitment that I made to her when she was placed in my arms in the birthing room. The same commitment made by every dad who has graced my life.

 I have kept that promise.

“The greatest gift that you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”  – Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

I have yet to meet a father, who with the right support, cannot be an amazing dad…for a lifetime!

Please read over the resources for parents and selected voices of dads and others.

A father’s love is forever, through whatever

On By BarryIn Alienation, Fathers, Holidays

This article originally appeared in The Waterloo Region Record on July 2, 2015.

The Record’s Father’s Day weekend edition — specifically the June 20 story “More men go for parenting advice” — was disappointing and troubling for the implications about the importance of the role of fathers in the life of their family.

Taking a parenting course is admirable and enriching, but dads everywhere — even those who don’t take such a course — are doing the parenting role every day in different ways.

Sometimes it is done by driving a truck five days a week, beginning at 6 a.m., to provide for the family; it is done by coaching every sport imaginable; it is done by reading to or with their children after a long work day; it is done by warm hugs and encouraging words, and it is done through love and support in countless ways.

The Record’s almost non-existent approach to Father’s Day reminds me of Amos’ lament and resignation in the song “Mister Cellophane,” from the musical “Chicago”: “Cause you can look right through me. Walk right by me, and never know I was there.”

The research on the importance of fathers is vital for the doubters about a father’s role in positive outcomes for children. The doubters are not, however, dads. We knew our importance from the moment our child was placed in our arms: namely, to love our daughters and sons forever, through whatever.

There are no conditions on that love and support, and no course required.

The same research cited in the Record article reveals what every father knows: Becoming a father, being a dad, was and is the transformational event in their lives

In an interview with the Toronto Sun this past winter, Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry captured eloquently this common truth about fatherhood:

” ‘But … fatherhood, that changed everything. He’s (his three-year-old son Carter) done more for me than I’ve done for him. He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball …’ “

The headline on The Record’s article on parenting advice gives the sense that being a dad is provisional, something that can be minimized by whether one stepped up and took a course. Fathering is under attack in subtle, and not so subtle ways.

I am reminded of a 2012 Record story about a Kitchener father who was arrested at his child’s elementary school, moved to a holding cell and strip-searched. His children and wife were separately interrogated by Family and Children’s Services.

The reason for all this? His four-year-old daughter drew a picture in class of her father and her shooting imaginary dragons with a toy gun.

Every professional involved preferred (or chose) the negative image of Sansone. No apology was forthcoming because all the protocols were followed. Sansone, in an interview later, posed an interesting question that professionals were unable or unwilling to answer: “How do you tell a criminal from a father?”

At 71, I know I am an imperfect father and grandfather. I also understand the most significant and enduring gift that I received from my father, and he from his father, was at the end of the day a simple one, namely that a father’s love is forever, through whatever.

It is worth celebrating. It is worth strengthening. The magic is that it endures forever — from child to dad to grandpa.

As Kyle Lowry said, “But … fatherhood, that changed everything.”

Fortunately, families everywhere celebrate that reality one family at a time.

On Hope and Being Dad: Father’s Day 2012

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

On Mon. June 4th my daughter and her husband became parents for the first time as they welcomed Mollie Elizabeth formally into their family. The preparation and anticipation is now the real thing and they now have a new identity as mom and dad, forever more.

Each of us can likely recall those emotional first moments and the commitment that each of us made as new parents to that precious, little person that we soon held in our arms. Like most of you, I still remember the rush of love and joy colliding with the beginning of worry about whether I would be the kind of father that my child needed.

Then, there was less time to worry, only the reality of providing the best start possible…night time feedings, sleep deprivation, and changing diapers.

Our Mollie will be two weeks old on Father’s Day and thus will my son-in-law’s life as Mollie’s dad. I have no doubt that Mollie and he will grow together and that she will always feel and know his love will be her companion.

As I write these words, this grandpa is eagerly anticipating his first walk with his newest granddaughter. She won’t remember, but it will be the first of many joyful memories, memories that grandparents create everywhere we are found.

In our office at Kids ‘n’ Dad, I have a tattered poster given to me by my father when I was eight years old. It shows a youngster playing first base, dreaming about becoming a major leaguer. Sixty years later it continues to be a reminder of his lifelong support that made it possible to navigate the worst of times- the ‘crisis of a separation with children’. I was truly fortunate to have him on my side for over 50 years.

Unfortunately, my dad was lost to us during that difficult ‘crisis’.

Father’s Day can be a very difficult time for many separated families. This past year, Kids ‘n’ Dad lost one of its founding clients/friends to a car accident. He was a deeply committed father and in his short years with his son created many memories that will be part of his son’s life forever. He was a gentle and loving dad.

Father’s Day for a separated dad may be very different than being a dad in an intact family. Most separated dads have experienced the fear of losing their child and the reality of interrupted parenting. They have come face to face with darkness and despair on many occasions. Yet from that despair, I believe that many of us have become more caring and loving fathers.

The difficulty is that one must survive the journey and that is not a certainty.

A few months ago I received an email from a client from several years past. Despair and darkness had surely been part of his travels. Early in his email, he expressed anger at the help that I had provided years ago. His criticism was that I had been too ‘hopeful’ and as such I had not prepared him for what took place.

His words came at a time when I was working with some wonderful men/fathers, who were suffering through interrupted or lost parenting through no fault of their own. I tend to hand out hope in small doses because I know the system is unpredictable at best and frighteningly unjust at worst.

But the question remained- should hope and optimism be a small part of what we provide with the reality check?

Father’s Day for this writer is Family Day. It is a time to celebrate the day that I became a father and the joy that we have made it through the craziness that can go on. At one time, it was only ‘hope’ that sustained me. I tried to do what was necessary to give hope a chance; but hope was what allowed me to fend off the darkness and despair.

Before Christmas, a headline story was about a dad by the name of Joe Chisholm. The mother in a custody dispute had abducted his 2-year-old daughter. The mother and daughter were found 18 years later. Joe Chisholm had done everything to find his child; he had never given up hope. He now has only the ‘hope’ that doing the right things will provide the opportunity for father and his now, young adult daughter to build a life together. (See resources)

The past matters little; the future is all that matters now.

My hope is that all the good dads that have entered my life these past years will find the strength and the path to an involved, caring relationship with their child, whatever their age.  For some, there is only hope to sustain that mission; but I have seen hope turn to a possibility to a reality in my own life and the life of other dads.

To my son-in- law, dad to Mollie Elizabeth, put aside any worries about being a good dad for I know that you will be a wonderful, loving parent. My hope is that I will have many years left as grandpa to enjoy the two of you in play and in laughter.

To all a hopeful and loving Father’s Day!

Letter to God from a proud father

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids’n’ Dad by a Separated Dad. Names have been altered to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Dear God,

This Wednesday is my daughter’s birthday. As usual, I am going to celebrate having a healthy and talented twenty-four year old girl. Whatever my financial situation, I never miss her birthday, and this year is special. I’m going to take a day trip to Niagara Fall and enjoy a five- star buffet lunch at the revolving restaurant at the top of Hilton Hotel to enjoy the view. Mary is with me in my heart! 

It was 15 years ago Mary, and I had a Happy Meal together at MacDonald restaurant to celebrate her ninth birthday. It was her idea to have the Happy Meal because she was collecting Pokémon toys that came with the meal. We spent a solid one hour of quality time together mostly at MacDonald’s and in the car. Her mother called that a special privilege – she was kind enough to allow the extraordinary hour outside my visitation right. She proclaimed that was out of the compassionate ground as a good Christian – our Separation Agreement did not have a birthday clause. Well, she had sole legal custody, the laws allowed her to make all decisions, major and minor, for the best interest of our daughter. I have no other options but wholeheartedly accepting whatever offer was granted from the mother to be with my only daughter.  If not, I could go back to the divorce court for another battle.

According to the Separation Agreement, my visitation right was bi-weekly from Saturday 8 AM to Sunday 5 PM. In addition, there was a footnote attached: the mother had the right to change the time and date for the visitation by giving the father sufficient times and reasonable clarification. It was not written explicitly in black and white what was sufficient and reasonable.

The week after Mary’s ninth birthday I had her for the weekend.  Her grandparents were at the cottage; my mother missed her so dearly and they wanted to celebrate her birthday and present her with gifts. It was a wonderful weekend for the family gathered beside the lake with a camp-fire and full of laughter. Unfortunately, most good times and happiness are impermanent. On Sunday afternoon I was ready to take my daughter back to her mother, but my father had a severe pain in the chest. So, we decided to rush him to the Walk-In clinic in town for checkup since my father had a long history of a heart condition. It was an unforeseeable situation and I left Mary’s mother a voicemail on her answering machine to explain the dilemma and mentioned we will be late arriving home. At the time, the only means of communication for both of us were the landline or emails. Fortunately, it turned out my father’s chest pain was a pulled muscle, so I drove them back to the cottage.  Again, I called my ex-wife at the gas station and left a message to inform her we were on the way home.  

By the time I and Mary got back to her mother it was almost 8 PM. Two police officers were in the house. Apparently, my ex-wife reported her daughter was kidnapped! Out of frustration and under distress, I argued with my ex-wife in the presence of the police officers and my daughter concerning my father’s physical health. I was told by the police officers to go home and do not come back to her house until I heard from Children’s Aid Society. It turned out that was the last time physically I was with Mary.

First time on Monday morning, my lawyer informed me that my ex-wife filed a restraining order due to my aggressiveness and her safety, and I had to play by the rules to stay away from her and Mary until further notice and investigation. That sparked off another new round of custody battles. First was to remove the restraining order and then the amend the original Separation Agreement. The divorce court and processes are very complicated, prolonged, and not to mention very expensive. It took more than two years and two court appearances to have the restraining order removed and added a couple of clauses so that I have the opportunity to see my daughter more frequently with the blessing of her mother. During this time, I was prevented from contacting my daughter – not even supervised visitation until the court made the final decision and legally amended the Separation Agreement.

Finally, the day arrived – what a relief – and my visitation right resumed. It happened on that weekend of Mary’s twelfth birthday. I phoned my ex-wife on Saturday morning to arrange to fetch my daughter. To my surprise, another bomb exploded – my ex-wife told me that Mary was not feeling well and was not in the mood to see her father. I insisted to come to the house to see my daughter with her birthday gift.

Was it a crime for the father spending time with his daughter?

I arrived at their house, and although I knew they were inside the doorbell was not answered. After a few minutes, someone must have called the police, a police cruiser arrived, and I was told to stay inside my car while the police officer went into the house to speak with my ex-wife. My anticipation was the police officer coming out hand in hand with my daughter with a smiling face. On the contrary, my dream turned into a nightmare. In fact, I got a stern warning from the officer not to come near the house to cause trouble until I heard from my lawyer.

My immediate reaction was to turn to my lawyer for help. He was the smart one that negotiated the best deals for his clients. The answering machine from his office said he was out of town for business. Without wasting any more time, I called the Family and Children Service (FACS) and spoke to the on-call case worker and explained to her about my distress and even reported that incident as child abuse because the mother prevented the daughter to see her father. The FACS worker delivered the same statement I heard before so many times from the authorities: Please stay away from the house until further notice!   

I received a call from FACS on Monday morning with an invitation for a meeting. Eagerly, I went there with high hopes and a bagful of court case notes and legal agreements. The result of the two hours meeting with FACS was that they clearly explained to me that their protocol was to investigate child abuse and the best interest of the child without bias. In other words, they were going to hear both sides of the story and my daughter played the major role.

During FACS investigation, my visitation right was on hold. Eventually, I received a report from FACS after two months and two days. The verdict was sweet and simple. The case manager set up eight counselling sessions for father and daughter to re-establish their relationship since they have been apart for more than three years. Graciously, I accepted the offer with open arms and looking forward to heal the wounded hearts. I fully understand the impact of the family conflict on the child’s mental health.   

Enthusiastically, I showed up early for the first counselling session, like a first date, with a box of chocolate and the birthday gift, my daughter’s favourite Harry Potter book. Unfortunately, my daughter did not show up, and I went home disappointed. The counsellor reassured me he would contact my ex-wife to remind her of my daughter’s appointment. The next week I attended the pre-arranged second counselling session with the same box of chocolates and the book. It was a no show. The counsellor advised me to go home and wait. Do not do anything foolish – stay away from them for now. FACS will look into the matter.

A few days later I received news from my lawyer with FACS recommendation.  The reports spelled out in details the obligation of FACS. Basically, the best interest of the child means that – all custody and visitation decision are made with the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging the child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood.  According to the divorce law, when a child is over 12 years old, he or she has the option to choose and make his or her decision. The finding indicated my ex-wife was a good mother since my daughter attending a gifted school and programs, living in a positive home environment, without her father’s involvement. What?

My lawyer comforted me and told me not to worry for he had a plan for how to get my daughter back. His strategy was to hire a child psychologist to make some assessments and prove my daughter is suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome. We could throw the medical diagnostic in front of the judge to pressure him to change the Separation Agreement and FACS findings to my advantage. My lawyer even willing to do it at a reduced rate of $25,000.

That was not a win-win situation. I decided to walk away, not from my daughter’s life, but from the divorce industry. I had no more money and energy to sit in court again without end. I already lost my house and half my pension savings, and now my daughter. The only rational solution for me is to change my mindset since I could not change the situation. Even though my daughter and I were not physically together, I’m still trying my best to be her father; persistently, every Christmas and birthday I continued sending her greeting cards and gifts. Sadly, most of them are returned to the sender. Eventually, I stopped when the new house owner informed me, they moved away without leaving a forwarding address.

It was 15 years ago the last time Mary was with me at the cottage. We had no contact at all. Nowadays, it is not difficult to search for personal information on the internet. I found out from Facebook – the pictures were almost unrecognisable – it shows my daughter has become a young lady, not a child anymore. She had been with her mother and an unknown person visiting a couple of exotic tourist places. Her LinkedIn illustrated that she achieved high distinction. She was awarded a full scholarship for post-graduate school. Besides academically excelling, she had been active in student leadership. I read her writing on social justice issues. 

This year I have good reason to celebrate my daughter’s birthday with style. First, I have fulfilled my child support responsibility since she completed her first university degree according to the Separation Agreement. Second, my spouse support payments obligation have only five more years to go.

I am a proud father. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a healthy and talented daughter!

Lessons from A Separated Dad’s Journey to Create A Dad’s Home

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following guest post was originated through conversations between Barry and a dad who at time of separation had two young children and shared parenting. The dad established a blended family. Below is a summary of the dad’s thoughts, concerns, and lessons from his journey.

Thoughts on finances, nutrition and health

Finances: consider initial issues – budgeting, paying bills, paying mortgage/rent, child support/spousal support, transportation; financial issues lead to mental health issues and relationship issues;

Try to avoid eviction which could result in interrupted parenting; credit rating issues, visa debts, etc.

Changing residences is common for a dad – difficult to parent in these circumstances; think residence through; what makes sense for you and your children; what can work? You want to establish a ‘stable environment’ if possible.

Can you afford a RESP if you have a young child?

Dietary: cooking skills- balanced meals, making interesting/healthy, school lunches; do your different children have special dietary needs? Part-time access dads too often eat out. You must learn to shop effectively, within a tight budget probably.

Home Health Care: What do you need in your new home with the children for everyday care. Think it through and if necessary, ask friends if this is not an area of strength. What are basic first aid needs for your children? Sore throats; insect bites, pink eye; bad falls; taking the child’s temperature and knowing what is alarming or a dull to normal range- or what steps to take to bring the child’s temperature down- when to go to emergency; etc.

Does your medical cabinet have all the necessary supplies to manage the day-to-day crisis? Are you competent?

Attend medical appointments; communicate info to the mother; make sure she knows that you want reciprocal information flow. Take a first aid course. Introduce yourself to your pharmacist. Read their brochures! Read labels on use of meds – children’s Advil, polysporin, band aids of every size, on and on it goes. Get advice from different sources.

Many separated dads now have infants and toddler age children. Many may have played a full role, others may have a limited role in the intact family based on any number of reasons; you must gain a comfort and competence level for the sake of your child and the parenting challenges you may face, going forward.

Don’t be hesitant to ask for help from any number of people with experience over many parenting years. There may be a fear within you about displaying a lack of knowledge; HOWEVER, you need this to be the long-term parent in your child’s life. Find trusted people in your life; work at filling in gaps in your parenting resume; be proud of yourself.

Early Stages (Hopefully) Mental Health

Do not be afraid to ask a trusted friend for their observations on your behavior. What do they see in you? You want them to be honest; you should not be hostile; process the feedback.

Most of us can handle the days and nights when we have our children. We feel like dad again! Unfortunately, when your parenting goes badly (not perfect as we envisioned), there may be several days each week without the children- the not-so-good experience can linger.

The possibility of an additional problem may depend on how you manage the days without the children. Behaviors can be harmful to you in the short and long run. Today the internet provides alternatives from on-line dating to gaming to…? The only pattern to life is the days with children, and days without the children often outnumber the first option.

Reckless behavior can be costly and lead to unpredictable parenting and a difficult parenting relationship with the mother.

GETTING IT TOGETHER IS A DIFFICULT BUT NECESSARY TASK IN THE EARLY MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS.

Your parenting life is not on pause and recognizing such as early as possible starts you down a path on building positive steps into your life.

  • 0-5: Practical steps: Doctor’s appointments; before school and after school appointments; early   years centres; YMCA; Community centres, play groups -inexpensive programs; parent-child swim; etc.
  • 5-12:
    • Find opportunities to be involved in your child’s extracurricular life through coaching, volunteering, school trips, etc.
    • Attend all teacher open house activities; Report cards and interviews; read daily planners for all the days; access school web site; stay on top of educational issues; be aware of any learning difficulties as your child progresses; find a pattern of fun and skills activities that you and your children will own for a lifetime.
    • Do the best job possible at maintaining or rebuilding a co-operative flow of communication with the child’s mother. There is a lot going on in two households for your children; if you can harmonize certain routines, life can become more predictable for everyone;
    • Each parent is different and may have very different parenting styles. You both likely know those difference from your time together. It is possible to employ that awareness into managing your parenting. e.g. use of video games, appropriate films, etc.
  • 12-18:  THE FUN/INTERESTING (???) TEEN YEARS:
    • The issues change during the pre-teen and adolescence years. Our own teen years sometimes influence how we handle discipline over the common challenges of these years: drugs, tobacco, alcohol, dating, motivation at school.
    • Peer relationships take precedent over family relationships. It is the natural order BUT for a separated dad who may have less parenting time to begin, it can feel like a loss of influence and oversight.
    • Adolescents in a two-home parenting scenario may go back and forth- not on the parenting schedule but on the kids’ schedule. It takes effective coparenting to stay in control of parenting decisions. It takes a different kind of parenting- keeping communication lines open- knowing their friends-recognizing troubles or mental health issues-preparing them for the next stage of post- adolescence life.
    • Remember the teen years in an intact family are also the ‘fun years’; so, don’t blame yourself or the other parent or the separation for every bump in the road.

Just do your best. Do what you need to do to be the parent you desire to be!

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