The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.
The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.
How alienation happens
It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.
How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.
The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.
It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.
Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.
In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling. The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.
Case study: Penny and her parents
Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court. As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.
The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!
Comments on the case
The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.
The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.
It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.
The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.
The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.
Note the following about Penny’s case
- The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
- The tragic impact on their daughter;
- The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
- The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
- The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
- Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
- The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
- The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
- Grandparents’ loss over the years.
There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge. He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.
What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.
In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.
Alienation or estrangement?
How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.
If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.
The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.
The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.
The legal system and alienation
False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.
Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).
A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.
The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.
A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.
Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness
Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.
Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.
While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts for future parenting.
These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.
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