Notes from the publications of author and psychologist Richard Warhshak. See his website for more resources.
Children’s attitudes during the breakup may be temporary. They may be reacting to an isolated event, such as a fight between parents or the discovery of an affair, rather than the full history of their relationship with each parent.
They may complain about a parenting plan because of minor frustrations and not really consider the drawbacks of alternative plans.
Children may tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear at the time.
May reflect trivial reasons or immature thinking.
Examples: A five year old girl wants to live with her daddy because he lets her eat as much candy as she wants. A ten year old boy wants to live with his mom because she lets him stay up as late as he wants. A fifteen year old girl wants to live with her father and stepmother because they impose no curfew, allow her to drink alcohol, commiserate with her about the uselessness of education, and promise her a luxury car if she moves in with them.
Preference to live with a parent may be unhealthy. For instance, a boy may have a close identification with a father who treats the mother with violence and disrespect. The boy’s closer tie to his father may be long-standing and may lead the boy to express a preference for a parenting plan that maximizes time with his dad while minimizing time with his mom. Such a plan, though, is likely to further entrench the boy’s unhealthy identification. Another example: a boy may be too closely tied to his mom and afraid of leaving her side, so he says he doesn’t want to spend the night at his dad’s house.
Children may say they want to live with a parent because they think they need to take care of that parent.
Children may show loyalty to one parent because they are afraid of him and don’t want him to be angry with them.
The biggest problem with giving children a say in custody decisions is that it puts them in the middle of their parents’ disputes. If the kid’s attitude is going to influence the court, then there is a greater risk that one or both parents will put pressure on the child to takes sides with one parent against the other. So when a child expresses an opinion about custody, it may be the child’s voice dubbed with the words of whichever parent has the most influence over the child at that moment in time.
The definition of family has been long debated. It usually ends up being more exclusive than inclusive. Institutions fail to recognize with equality the different family forms.
Defining a family as only one type of structure is to exclude other types of families and say they are not real
Stepfamilies and single parent families are all as real as the traditional family.
Families are dynamic and changing, A new child can be born, an older child moves away to college, a parent can die and grandparents can move in.
Relationships in families are dynamic, interconnected and reciprocal.
The three types of families in this chapter are born of loss and hope.
1.) Children born into a single parent family or who become part of one as a result of death or divorce, 2.) Children entering into a step family or being born into one, 3.) Children who are adopted or born through new reproductive technology.
All of these children will have a number of physical, emotional and psychological losses associated with the loss of the old family.
The new family will have hope and new beginnings.
Denying the loss or hope means denying these families.
Viewing these families as different or applying needless labels doesn’t help them to function or participate in the community.
Applying comments or labels can also imply the family is doomed to fail.
Although there are problems inherent in the families mentioned, they can be solved when addressed without bias.
Problems fall into five categories: loss, boundary ambiguity, communication, commitment and discipline.
1) Loss
Death, divorce, infertility and adoption are all examples of loss.
Grief cannot be denied, refused, overlooked, minimized or belittled.
The three passages of grief (piercing grief, intense sorrow, and sadness that shares space with joy and peace) must be honoured and not rushed through.
In the family not everyone will experience the same three passages to the same extent or order.
Piercing grief of goodbye can be felt at the time of divorce by a child and again at a parent’s second wedding knowing there is no chance for the parents to get back together again.
Ultimately the keys are to name the loss, honour the grief and confront the pain.
2) Boundary Ambiguity
There are many questions around family boundaries.
In families that are born of loss and hope the answers can be complex and conflicting.
In a step family it is critical that each family member has a sense of having a special place in the new family.
Usually the family members will have an equally important place in another family system with another set of relationships.
When boundaries are too fluid people may never form a family unit and the kids and parents can suffer from lack of identity.
When boundaries are too rigid to allow acceptance into the new family unit or access to their biological parents, kids can suffer from lack of connectedness.
A middle ground is important for the well being of the family but can be difficult to achieve.
Boundaries can be difficult to define if the child assumes the role or responsibilities of another adult rather than being a kid.
A trap for single parents is to see the single parent home as just a pause between the first family and the step family rather than a functioning family unit itself. (Barry)
The house can be a mess with no desire to create a home environment. (Barry)
Creating rituals, routines, special places, common spaces and common memories helps to create external boundaries in single parent and step families.
Boundaries become tools to help children create order in their lives and a strong sense of a place to call home.
3) Communication
Language and communication is important in any family.
Saying that a biological sibling is a “real” sibling implies that step or adoptive siblings are less real.
It is the same with the phrase “traditional” family which implies any other is lesser.
For any family to communicate well it must create its own history and its own stories around that history.
The Good Family Myth: stepparents feel for approval from society more than they feel the need to be honest, and they fear as being seen as a poor imitation of the real thing.
The Broken Family Myth: invites unwarranted criticism from society and unnecessary apologies from stepparents.
Real communication can sometimes take a back seat to the myths.
4) Commitment
Time and commitment are required to make a family.
Commitment to one another and to the family as a whole.
If a parent enters a step parent situation half-heartedly, they might not have the full commitment to make things work.
Teens are sometimes committed to making sure a second marriage fails.
A single parent may see the single parent family as simply a phase before they move on to a two parent family and get “rescued” from raising a child alone.
An adopted child might worry they will be abandoned by the parents if they run into rough times.
5) Discipline
The discipline issues of meal time, bed time and sibling rivalry can be the same in most families.
The need for limits, boundaries, rules and consequences are the same in all types of families.
The ages and stage are the same as well as the purpose of discipline.
The difference is in the history, where each parent in the family is coming from.***
Expectations and structure from the old family can carry on in to the new one and it can lead to trouble. For example, a parent that was used to authoritarian parenting may have difficulty if a step child has been used to reacting to being disciplined- to push back.
Teens don’t even like to listen to their own parents much less a new adult in the house.****
A father might let his own biological kids run free for fear of being rejected during a visit but expect that the step kids still follow all the rules.***
This area can be the most divisive for families. Kids may talk about what the other parent lets them do.
Issues from one relationship or context can lead to issues in another.
The Tao of Hope
Responsibility of the older generation to the younger is to devote time and energy to the nurturing of the next generation as opposed to being fully absorbed in their own lives and pleasures.
To make a family born of loss and hope a safe harbor for children, the rights, needs and wants of all parties need to be balanced against the final weight of what is good, jut and right for the children. ***
A new family devoid of any connections to the former spouse might makes things less complicated for the adult but denies the child the right to develop a bond with one of their biological parents.***
Single Parent Families
Single parent families are different from two parent families, but still just as much a family as any other.***
The five most common ways it is created are: divorce, death, never married, desertion and adoption.
A single parent family is a viable kinship structure where children can grow up to be responsible, resourceful and compassionate adults.
The maturity and stability of parenting skills is more critical for the child than the family structure.****
One parent family does not need to be a one adult family. Help can come from friends and other family members as well as community supports. ***
Children need good role models regardless of age or gender.
Poverty is a major threat to family stability.
Two incomes or one decent income can help alleviate stress in many areas.
Many single parents can find themselves below the poverty line after divorce.
Children who venture into school for the first time may see different family structures from their own and it is natural they will ask questions. ***
Children can have mixed emotions about the single parent finding a new partner.
The child might feel as if the other parent is being betrayed. ***
The child may also feel that they might be replaced by this new person. ***
The parent has to explain to the child that no one can replace them and demonstrate it through their actions as well. ***
The new partner must be good for the kids as well.
The needs and wants of all parties have to be balanced about what is right for the children.
The child may feel angry that hey have to make changes again in their life that they have no control over.***
A seemingly minor thing to the parent such as seating at the dinner table might be a major thing for the child. ****
It is important that the new person be slowly introduced into the child’s life.***
Twice Upon a Time: Stepfamilies
The step family has probably been stereotyped and attacked more than any other family.
Sometimes it’s called the stepchild of a real family. This language implies that a step child or step family is are less important, less valuable or less whole than the real thing and that neither can rise up to the status of the real thing.
It can be considered an imitation of the real thing.
Step comes from the Anglo Saxon word “stoep” meaning bereavement or loss.
All step families are born of some bereavement or loss.****
The basic characteristics of a step family are: It is born of loss, at least one spouse is a stepparent, the family system is complicated and multidimensional, not everyone is necessarily happy about the marriage.
A step family is a real family that will often take at least three years to feel like a real family. It creation can be slow and methodical.
Myths, fairy, tales and fables
This section is incredibly insightful! *****
The myth of instant love: There is an expectation that a stepparent will immediately love the step children. This can put a strain on the family when it doesn’t happen. Love will take time, patience, shared memories and a shared history to develop. ******
Stepparents will love their children and their step children equally: loving and caring are not about equality, they are about relationships.When you eliminate the need to love equally the possibility of even just liking the step child becomes more realistic. Loving the stepchild does not also mean they will love in return. *****
All problems are directly related to being in a stepfamily: Most problems are related to being in a family and would be there regardless of the type of family. Siblings can have conflicts and so do parents and children. Putting the blame on the step family structure is to look for a simple excuse.*****
There is a best time to create a stepfamily: Some times can be easier than others but there is no best time. Creating a stepfamily with teens can be very complicated. ******
A stepfamily is better than a single parent home: Neither is better than the other. Both types of families can have their positives and downsides. Both should be seen as viable kinship structures.****
The Name Game
Using the proper names and titles can be challenging.
A child could feel they are betraying their biological dad by calling their stepdad “dad”.
Biological children might resent their stepsiblings calling their dad by that title.
The names the family members use to call one another need to evolve over time.
A conscious effort needs to be made for the family to create rituals, routines and traditions.
Nicknames can overcome some of the problems with titles. Nicknames come about as a result of experiences with the other person and they can be personal and enduring.
Children need to pick a name for their stepparent that is comfortable to use and that the stepparent can live with.
Surnames can be another concern. Stepsiblings that are close in age may have difficulty explaining why they have different surnames.
Some stepfamilies have decided that the best way to create a strong stepfamily is for the stepparent to adopt the stepchildren. This also solves the different surname issue.
The ceremony and ritual around adoption can help strengthen the bond between the stepparent and stepchild and the family as a whole.
Adoption is not a guarantee of anything and will not make bad relationships better.
Teens
The three biggest issues to deal with teens in stepfamilies are: attachment/separation struggle, history and sexuality.
Attachment/Separation Struggle
The teen wants to begin to move away and establish their own identity.***
They still want to have some rootedness with the parents.****
This struggle is made worse when they are trying to break away form the biological parents while at the same time asked to join a new step family and create new traditions, rituals and routines.******
History
It is natural for teens to be questioning authority and be otherwise difficult to deal with. The biological parent remembers when the child was easy to get along with. *** This is the midway challenge for a stepparent. You are introduced to a new stepchild at a time when they are struggling with and challenging any authority.
The stepparent who has no history with the child sees only a defiant teenager.
Stepfamilies can be healthier than the family of the first marriage if the adults are willing to learn from the mistakes of the first marriage, leave excess baggage behind, make an effort to compromise, and balance the needs, rights and wants of all parties against what is good and just for the kids.****
When parents are happy it is good for the kids. It leaves them the energy to spend on their own problems.
As long as the stepparent is willing to be present but not overbearing it means the teen will have one more positive role model and caring person in their life. ***
Sexuality
Step children can be attracted to the stepparent and stepparents can be attracted to the step teen.
Stepsiblings can be attracted to each other.
In a biological family the boundaries between affection and sexuality are clearly defined and there is a history of physical touching that is natural and innocent.
The history is not there in a newly formed stepfamily.
Open communication will be vital.
When anyone in the family expresses uncomfortableness everyone should listen and be aware.
When preteens and teens are part of the family it is good for ground rules to be established before the two families come to live together.
When a step teen is attracted to the stepparent, the stepparent must set clear guidance on what comments and behaviours are appropriate and healthy.
The adults in the family should help the teens to understand the differences between feelings, fantasies and behaviours.
Denial on the part of the parents hurts everyone involved.
His, hers, ours
The decision to have a child by the parents in the stepfamily is a major one.
This child would be the only one who is related to everyone else in the family. ****
While the parents might be excited about this new child the other children/stepchildren may not.****
The children may wonder if they were enough, or if they will still be loved when the new child arrives.
The rituals and traditions surrounding childbirth can help strengthen the family ties.
Effective Childrearing
Authoritative parents who set firm limits with love and thoughtfulness are more effective than strict authoritarian parents or permissive laissez-faire parents. This is true regardless of the family structure.
A new family is a new beginning for all members.
People do not have to continue with the same mistakes of the past.
The book What about the Kids by Judith Wallenstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.
Introduction
After a divorce, you find yourself feeling alone, confused, in a state of shock. You struggle to get out of bed each day, and must deal with your whimpering, red-eyed children who haven’t slept.
A divorce can be described as technicolour. What lies ahead?
A marriage licence makes any kind of marriage possible, and a divorce sets in motion the post-divorce family.
How will you and your spouse get along after the breakup?
The first challenge is to get your life under control, to literally restore yourself and rebuild your social supports.
The second challenge involves you and your children. You must prepare them for the breakup and to support them through the crisis.
The third challenge is to create a new relationship between you and your ex-partner.
All three challenges begin the day you decide to divorce and lasts until death. It’s for this reason that divorces can be so hard and have no benefits.
If you meet all three challenges, you open yourself up to new opportunities in life and put the disappointments of marriage behind you.
The turning points are numerous, the danger points are unexpected, but so are the opportunities.
Many things change when you divorce and go to college graduations, weddings, visits with grandchildren, etc.
Parenting is always a hazardous undertake.
Parenting in a divorced or remarried family is harder. You are blinded by emotions and events out of your control.
How could a child not be affected by the major changes that divorce and remarriage bring?
Divorced families are altogether different from intact families.
Your relationships with your children change the day you separate.
Crisis peaks when divorce papers are filed.
Does an outgoing personality help?
If you’re in the thick of a crisis, you can look up specific ideas about your three-year-old who won’t go to bed, your eight-year-old who is having trouble at school, or your fifteen-year-old who is angry all the time.
One reason divorced families have problems is because most people don’t have the help that they need.
If you’re a child of divorce, your own journey down this road will be complicated by your earlier life experiences.
Stay cool when telling the children; avoid the blame game but take responsibility for the breakdown.
Be honest and recognize the gravity of the situation; this allows children to begin the process that they must inevitably go through without feeling guilty or responsible.
Explain to them that they will always have their family- the family will change though.
Encourage them to say what they are fearing, or questioning-children are often very pragmatic and as they reach adolescence can be judgmental.
Provide the short- and medium-term plans; but be prepared for pushback- especially from preteens onward.
Consider their feedback seriously- appreciate their input- be receptive but don’t forfeit your parental responsibility.
Try to maintain routines in the short-term plans- commitments to activities, etc.
Try to be appropriately positive about your joint commitment to ensure joint parenting in some form.
Be pragmatic with an element of flexibility- it can be overwhelming.
Remember your children are very different and have different parent child relationships. Children may desire different parenting arrangements and even split with their siblings.
Take Care of Yourself
Parents can’t help their children until they’ve thought about themselves, about where they’re coming from.
Once you’ve decided that it’s really over, you’ll have set into motion the task of becoming a different person, and to your surprise, a different kind of parent.
Your decision to divorce not only marks the end of a marriage, but the formation of a new kind of family.
What you’re feeling today is probably not going to be relevant to your life in three, five, or ten years from now.
There are steps you can take to ease our immediate pain, but the really hard work comes one day and then one year at a time with changes that ricochet into your life and into the lives of your children.
You can’t become an effective parent until you’ve regained your footing and begun to repair the damage done by the failed marriage and the inevitable stresses of the divorce.
How far or fast it all happens depends on how you respond to the challenges and frustrations that lie ahead.
If you get caught up in the image of having failed in your marriage your parenting will be burdened.
If you find yourself raging at your husband or wife, it doesn’t matter if you’re right. What matters is being enraged will eclipse your ability to be a good parent. It clouds your judgement and makes it hard to take care of your children or see your children as being separate from you. You have different needs and priorities at different ages. It also makes it harder to be a compassionate parent.
In a normal situation, only one partner wants to get a divorce.
Divorce creates two separate single parents with two homes, two sets of furniture, two refrigerators, and separate insurance policies.
You are responsible for the well-being, discipline and entertainment of the children under your roof.
Co-parenting after divorce is not the same as within a marriage.
Divorce forces you to become a new person.
A birth certificate didn’t turn you into a parent, you remade yourself into a parent.
You find yourself waking up in the middle of the night to carry out new and unfamiliar duties.
Many psychological changes occur over time in both you and your ex-partner. After weeks, months or even years, of feeling shaky and bewildered, there comes a psychological moment when you become this new person.
You are a new person when you finally stop feeling like a failure, and you feel free, even hopeful, and can make decisions without trembling inside.
At some point, every person must face up to the hurt and disappointment that go with a failed marriage and the continuing tensions of the divorce.
In a divorce, it’s letting go of the memories collected over many years of being together.
Mourning loss is a process that takes time. But you must know that after divorce you enter a new attachment with your former partner, one that is not born of love but one that arises from the role of co-parenting.
Divorce is the end of love and the persistence of attachment.
As human beings, we’re blessed and damned with memories.
Before you can give your children the attention they need, you need to gain control of your own emotions in general.
People who have been wonderful parents and rarely raised their voices in anger slam doors on their children, cry in closets, and erupt in anger over nothing in particular.
Your children often remind you that you have big responsibilities, and that is the last thing you want to think about. Many children are terrified by the change in a parent’s behaviour.
In your weakened condition, you are called on to be wiser than you’ve ever been before.
The more chaos, the crankier your children become, the more they scream at each other, and the more you’re going to lose self-control.
Men and women face different challenges when telling the kids.
If you’re a man who never took care of your kids day-to-day, welcome to Home Economics 101.
Whether you do or don’t get along, the ties that bind you together still hold.
You have financial obligations with less power.
Your task is to make the most of a part-time role that you share with a woman who is no longer central in your life.
You cannot decide on an impulse to take the kids to Disneyland.
You can’t suddenly decide to change their schedules, diet, or bedtime.
If you’re a mother, you also continue to be responsible for your children but you’ll have less power in deciding how to raise them.
It won’t do any good to tell the something if you are worrying about it in your mind.
On Anger
If you’ve been betrayed, you may feel ashamed and wounded.
Many people find that anger makes them feel good. It can make you feel righteous, if not saintly. You can first use your anger to mobilize yourself.
You may enjoy blaming the other as arch villain and this can block you.
You’re free to organize your new life as you see fit.
Anger can persuade you that you’ll do things differently this time around.
You can regain self-control and understand the roots of the fury that had spilled onto your innocent child.
You can’t help your children make decisions after if you’re driven by rage.
No one can overcome your anger for you. Most people let go of anger to regain control.
If you’re alone and unhappy while your ex-partner is dating other people, your mind can turn any relationship into a torrid romance.
If you are the victim of jealous fantasies and threats have been made against you, you are urged to take them seriously and seek protection from the police.
If your energy goes into how hurt you are, how can you gather the strength to move forward in your life?
Anger blocks the kind of self-scrutiny that you need in order to change.
There is no substitute for what you say to yourself.
Most people can help make the transition to the “new you”.
Being a good parent during this transition helps diminish the grief, guilt, and tremendous upheaval that divorce causes.
Setting Routines and Structure
Children must feel safe going back and forth between homes.
The must learn to master the calendar, going to and from houses.
The ability to do so depends on how quickly the household is restored.
Routines are disrupted after the divorce. Bedtime often becomes hit or miss.
Many school-aged children get themselves up in the morning, make lunch, take themselves to class, clothes don’t get washed regularly.
A suggestion box is a good way to share ideas and make sure everyone’s thoughts are heard.
A chores and rules chart is a good way to keep track.
Orderliness is important.
Young children miss you and don’t understand why you’re always gone.
They must understand why you need money and why it’s important for you to work.
If you work more hours than before, explain to your children that you’re more available to work more now and that you need the money.
Regular bedtime is very important.
People who have experienced radical changes in their lives make transitions difficult.
Rituals aren’t expendable just because you feel pressed for time.
Rituals such as kissing your child good-bye are important.
Children have to know who will be home for dinner, and what hour dinner is at.
Child who worry about rituals can’t sit comfortably through class.
They may be worried, having observed your frantic pace of life.
Assign chores to each child and reward them.
Provide pleasures to offset the pain of the breakup.
Asking older children to help with younger ones is ok, as long as you realize that they are still children too.
Make sure the lines of discipline are the same across both parents.
Reduce conflict by arranging after-school activities for each child.
Keep an eye on younger children.
After a divorce, older children are often given power to exert over younger children.
Dinner represents a time of coming together of the family. It should not be a dreary time, or a time of watching tv.
Try to get up early enough to help your children get ready for school.
Children of divorce often show up at school without lunches or proper clothes for the weather.
Strict control is more important after divorce but harder to enforce. This is the time to rein in your child.
Each child should know your cell number and how to reach you in an emergency. This relieves anxiety.
Tell them that if anything ever goes wrong, you’re only a phone call away.
The need for structure addresses both parents. Both of you must provide this kind of help, however, only one of you may be able to provide this.
Feeding your children before they leave is very important.
The only person you can control is you, not your ex.
Set aside intimate time to spend with just you and your child.
It is very important to bring some pleasure and fun and laughter back to the family.
Make a habit of stepping back and asking yourself how your children are doing in this new life.
Do not berate yourself.
If you’re honest with yourself, you may realize that in the chaos of the divorce, you overlooked your children without meaning to.
Many children live in distraught worlds of their own while their parents are too wrapped up in their own problems to notice.
Have you left them on their own?
Is there any real pleasure in their lives?
Children of all ages have fantasies of reconciliation right from the beginning.
“Mom smiled at dad when he dropped me off last night. I bet that means they like each other.”
Young children feel cut off by divorce and fantasies help them feel whole.
All efforts to restore routines after divorce bring needed stability to your children’s lives.
It’s important for them to have a sense of order and regularity.
A New Kind of Father
Divorce transforms the experience of being a mother or father. The fundament nature of parenting shifts.
These changes are different for men and women.
When marriage ended, no one told you what it would feel like to be a father in a divorced family.
You must understand the changes to enjoy the new chapter of your life.
This road is less predictable than you ever imagined.
How do you go about being a good father?
You always knew exactly who you were and so did your children.
Fathering post-divorce is different because you don’t have the supports you had in the marriage.
After divorce, you’re in a vacuum.
“How central am I? What does being a divorced father mean? What does being a co-parent mean? Am I a playmate? A Dutch uncle? A friend or guy who helps with the math homework? Who sets the discipline? What sets the goals?”
You may have to learn to divide your time between your second marriage children and your first marriage children.
“Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship you had with your children during your marriage.”
In an intact family, you didn’t have to define your role.
If you had a very close relationship with your children before the divorce, you must work it out with your ex to make sure this relationship continues.
Your lives may demand change and flexibility.
Even if you weren’t ‘close’ with your children before the breakup they still cry for you. Closeness is a dangerous term for it implies a certain judgment about a parent’s relationship with their child. It is a term that would eliminate many fathers from their children.
Post-divorce you must consider the relationship you wish to maintain with your children.
You have the choice, and in the first few years after a divorce you have to renew your relationship with your children- in many ways for a dad it is a cross roads where hopefully you will do whatever is required from you to be the dad that your children require of you in these changing circumstances.
“Your relationship with your children is not dependent on how much time you spend together based on the divorce settlement.”
“Your relationship is only measured by how much your child feels your love, your commitment, and what you’re able to bring to that relationship.”
“An Indian legend that says the father’s job is to carry the child to the top of the mountain and face the child away from home toward the bigger landscape. That’s poetic but its only true if the father carries the child carefully and does not drop them on the climb.”
Organize your life so that you give the plan priority.
When the children are in their early years, the decisions that govern your relationship aren’t the same when they grow up.
A mother and father under the same roof are different than a mother and father under separate roofs.
Parents in a reasonably, positive intact relationship carry out daily dialogue about their children.
Conversation must cease between you and your ex about whether to correct the children or ignore grandma after a divorce.
Mothers, more so than fathers, interpret what children want inside of an intact family.
Mothers often play the go-between between young children and their fathers.
Developmental stages in your child’s life effect the tenor of your relationship.
They want their moms around.
A father may lose access to parts of his children’s lives because their mother no longer shares a home with you.
Fathers may sometimes take on the role of the mother with great sensitivity and heroism.
A father can play a significant role in the lives of their daughters even in their daughter’s adolescent years. Some experts suggest otherwise. But, it can be done provided the commitment is made to play that part in their life. (Recommend seeing the film: EighthGrade)
Observe your children carefully.
Spend simple down-time together.
“What mistakes can you make? The most common one is that you can give up too soon. As an experienced father, you must learn new skills and just be there.”
Lots of fathers make no changes after their divorce. They expect children to fit into their lives and spend time together in the easiest way possible.
Shared activities have results.
Some fathers didn’t ever have the experience of a role model fatherly figure.
“What defeats many fathers is their thin skin.” When they suffer defeat, they lose their jobs. Some become easily discouraged and back away from the fathering role. “I have nothing to offer.”
Your child’s need for you is in no way diminished by your divorce.
If you lose your job, don’t let it translate to the loss of a relationship with your child.
You children are a priority and you can’t compromise.
Children never confuse their father with their stepfather.
Some fathers attempt to remain close with children, but end up experience feelings of loss.
A comment in a support group from a separated dad: “I think you’re saying that despite your great efforts, you all share the fear that no matter what you did, no matter how hard you tried, you still felt in danger of being marginalized.”
“Man of the house” can’t be recreated after divorce in a joint custody case.
Some fathers bounce in and out of their children’s lives. Some return to court to assert parental rights and blame ex-wives that their children don’t want to see them anymore.
If you don’t visit your children, you owe them an explanation as to why.
Start to rebuild a relationship with your children which takes into account the changes in their development.
“The greatest gift you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”
Your children both need you and need to grow away from you.
“The main purpose of parenting is to help children grow into independence.”
Your centrality in your children’s lives never diminishes, even as they move in and out of adolescence.
The father-daughter relationship in intact and divorced families serves as the template for a daughter’s view of men.
“Will you protect her? Are you willing to make sacrifices for your relationship? Do you respect her ideas? Do you have confidence in her abilities? Have you told her how proud you are to be her father?”
Fathers provide sons with a template as to what it means to be a man.
You must feel secure and sure with how important you are in your children’s lives.
Your role doesn’t disappear when your child enters adulthood.
Father-child relationships tend to grow apart as they age, way more so than in intact families.
Building a forever relationship is a generational journey if you get it right.
The picture on our Web Site captures the hope for every dad- separated or intact-it doesn’t change. It is about holding your child’s or grandchild’s hand, sometimes firmly and other times lightly, protecting and encouraging, educating and inspiring.
To love and be loved is the greatest human gift. The strange aspect of a separation with children is that it clarifies what is most important in our lives.
A New Kind of Mother
Motherhood after divorce changes profoundly your view of yourself, your children, the kind of care that you provide; and the day to day stresses create a whole new parenting environment;
Most mothers are aware of everything going on in their child’s daily life;
‘your children remain an integral part of your psychological make-up’;
In the intact family, when they are with their dad, you likely feel they are continuing to be in your care; you receive a run down of their outing from your parenting partner and/or the children;
Post-separation this information flow may be non-existent from the other parent;
Children may view your questioning as intrusive or worry that it is part of the separation conflict between their parents;
Serious negative outcomes for children and parents occur when children sense the conflict all around them;
This questioning can be heightened once the dad thinks about or initiates dating; the ‘great fear’ about a parent having a diminished parenting role appears more real;
You are unable to provide the full-time care and awareness of everything child, as you likely provided in the intact family;
There is an ‘aloneness’ to parenting in a single parent home; it is a shared response of mothers and fathers, who must continue with life when the child is with their other parent;
Absent from the new mom’s house, dad’s house scenario, is the emotional support that is part of the intact, parenting partnership; often, the breakdown of an intimate relationship begins in the intact marriage with the loss of emotional support;
The loss of this support in the intact home (aloneness) is unlikely to change in two homes, at least in the early months, years;
Parenting is challenging and joyful; support may now be found from different sources- parents, friends, new relationships, etc.
‘In the end it comes from you and no one else’.
Very few separated parents are satisfied with their parenting in the short term; mothers tend to judge themselves in the immediate time frame, in part, because our lives tend to be lived on a day to day basis;
Their will be a time when you will look back at your parenting journey and see your successes through your children.
If each separated parent recognizes their similar parenting journey in their changed family, the opportunity to regain a cooperative and supportive partnership becomes a possibility.
The ‘guilt burden’ is found in many mothers and may continue for decades; divorce is not the cause of all the perceived problems of your adult children;
‘Try to forgive yourself for your real and imagined sins of commission and omission. Try to be a gentler person with yourself. Take pride in the enormity of your accomplishment. Whatever your aspirations, you can’t do it all. Give yourself a break from your self-accusations.’ (Wallerstein)
Kids 'n' Dad 