Category: Before Separation

Featured

Telling the Children

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children

Our experience working with over 600 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing so:

  • they hate tough conversations
  • they worry it may lead to tears or fighting
  • they are feeling a sense of failure
  • they wish to avoid open parental conflict
  • they assume the children probably know
  • they feel ill prepared
  • etc., etc.

Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy, and not talking to your child(ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. As parents you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can. To do this, you need to work together to  prepare a plan for how to inform your children while also anticipating their fears and questions.

The joint concepts of a no-fault divorce and family renewal are valuable tools as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation. Together, you can use these concepts to prepare a script to help you navigate the emotional and often unpredictable family conference with a common goal: helping your family to heal and grow through the changes to come.

Common Questions by Children:

  1. Where will we kids live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener some may seem to be simply a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or rip the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term. It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period of time. This is what I call the mutual no-fault explanation or the mutual both parties at fault explanation. Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long-run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach.

This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your now changing family!

How to get started about talking to your kids about the break-up

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

Talking to your children about separating or breaking up is hard to do!

The end of an intimate relationship is often messy; the end of an intimate relationship with children is messy and complicated at best, gut wrenching and devastating at worst.

The decision to end an intimate relationship with children triggers difficult conversations. Unfortunately, for many intimate relationships difficult conversations have been deferred for months, even years. Anger may have replaced caring and support.

Either or both partners may be damaged, wounded, and vulnerable from the loss of caring and goodwill.

The reason for a separation is generally (except for DV) irrelevant to the legal process. The legal concept of no-fault divorce is/was an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. The good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is however a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law, mainly re: the costs.

In an earlier section, I requested that each parent assess their current emotional well-being as they enter this most important, joint initiative of explaining the separating to the children.

You must be prepared for these critical conversations with your children. The no-fault concept is a valuable tool as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation.   

Telling the Children

Our experience working with over 800 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing; a) hate tough conversations; b) may lead to more tears or fighting; c) sense of failure; d)  a desire to avoid open, parental conflict; e) unnecessary, children probably know; f) ill prepared; g) etc.

Not talking to your child (ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy. As parents, you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can.

“This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your changing family”! (Kids n Dad)

At the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover the ever-elusive calm from the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent.

Renewal is about optimism for what is achievable. The alternative is simply survival and to live life in an out of chaos, often for years or even a lifetime.

Renewal is doable provided each parent truly takes ownership for what I have discovered from our support for separating parents; namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm the above statement, they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

 Your question to every professional:

 ‘Do you (professional) have the tools to support our family through the chaos and anger, so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families… forever?

N.B. Read the essay by an adult child of a family separation. Included are several comments by children and parents from a split family. I found her essay poignant and profoundly sad!

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference.

a) Remember the no-fault approach.

b) Each parent must do their own assessment prior to a family conference re: the challenges facing each child. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc.

 There is an impact on every child in every stage of life- please understand this fact.

See the different parenting sections in the resources!

c) Once the above step has been done, the parents should compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. The previous step help parents begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.

d) Initially consider the broad strokes of an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions must be answered/explained. A parent who suddenly disappear does not support shared parenting.

An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. This is a trial agreement. Our resources offer ideas on a practical parenting plan and a short-term, financial plan for paying the bills. Be flexible, based on the feedback from the children.

e) The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics – Scary and somewhat unpredictable!

  1. If possible, do the conference together (Coloroso)- take as much time as necessary. You have developed a no-fault plan (script) anticipating possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations, where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no fault concept.

b) If possible, do the explanation conference a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.

c) Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.

d) Often, your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison.

Children generally choose an intact family over separation.

e) Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and may enter the family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating may have started months earlier by one parent, and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children.

Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.

f) At the conference, the opportunity exists to remind the children that the family continues in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change, but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.

g) The atmosphere that you create in the meeting allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions. The family meeting provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.

 h)  If the children are quiet (very possible), anticipate questions that are unasked.

 i) Plan a second meeting within a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable. Some of the initial discussion will simply have been a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.

j)   Take a moment to assess your sense of the conference and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.

k)) Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.

 l)  Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see, hear and imagine everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents and isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is more going on inside the child.

Questions to be answered from the practical to questions without an answer.

  1. For some time going forward, every problem with a child may ‘feel’ like it is a consequence of the separation. Remember that intact families have lots of problems. Your changed family life is more complicated for every family relationship; but you are still a parent and have a family.
  2. The way that you tell the children and set in motion the actual on the ground changes provides a building block- a foundation for what comes next and next and next.

Common Questions by Children.

  1. Where will we live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

b) Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener may seem to be a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable.

 The most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or tear into the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so, simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more; and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term.  It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that ‘as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period’. 

This is what I call the mutual, no-fault explanation or the mutual, both parties at fault explanation.  Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the cause of their failed, intimate relationship.

 Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation.

This doesn’t mean they were the cause-only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

 There is a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children.

The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference.

 Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Closing Comments

Barbara Coloroso (Parenting through Crisis) provides a list of what kids (your kids) need to hear. They are offered as a guide at the beginning of your family’s difficult journey to renewal in two homes.

Children need to hear:

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with mom and one with dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them. Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will never be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Every section in this site is intended to support you in your effort to love your children, ahead of your feelings of hurt, anger, loss and despair.

Telling the children launches your family into uncertain territory, where every relationship is under stress and risk. This may not feel like a step forward, but if done together within the no-fault framework, you have taken a step toward family recovery in a two home setting.

Featured

The Family Conference

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children, Fathers, Mothers

The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.

There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference

  • Remember the no-fault approach
  • Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
  • Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
  • Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
  • The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics

  • If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
  • If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
  • Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
  • Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
  • Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
  • At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
  • The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
  • If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
  • Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
  • Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
  • Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
  • Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.

No-Fault Divorce and Family Renewal

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Fathers, Mothers

Even at the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover calm out of the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent. Renewal is about optimism about what is achievable. Together, these concepts can help you to navigate the challenging conversations ahead—with each other, with the children, with friends and family—by uniting your efforts in a common vision. The alternative is simply to act in survival and to live life in and out of chaos for years or even a lifetime.

The No-Fault Approach

The reason for a separation for most parties is normally irrelevant to the legal process. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the reason for their failed intimate relationship. Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation. This doesn’t mean they were the cause—only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

The legal concept of no-fault divorce is an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. Unfortunately the good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is, however, a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach that has recent favour. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law.

The question for every professional from you:

“Do you (professional) have the tools to help our family make it through the chaos and anger so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families forever?”

Family Renewal

Renewal is possible if each parent truly takes ownership of their most important focus as separating parents—namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm that statement then they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

To separate or not to separate?

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

The initial reason to end an intimate relationship with children is often unclear to one or both parties. It may simply be the accumulation of factors that have resulted in the gradual end of intimacy and supportive caring. 

The consequence is that the actual process of separating may take many different forms. They may range from a single, precipitating event to a drip, drip, drip separating i.e. continued co-habiting without intimacy. Some separating parents have an opportunity for a ‘rebuild’ and others less so.

Second thoughts in a calm environment can lead to finding the right professional services to support this process. Even if the parents decide to separate, a calm approach is more likely to create conditions for a parent and child friendly future.

If one parent is very comfortable that separating is the right decision, then that must be accepted and should not cloud respectful decisions re: parenting the children.

 If getting past the choice to separate by the other parent is too difficult or blocking your way to compromise or personal recovery, then you need to seek professional support. In addition, it is often helpful to find a friend that is able to provide trusted feedback to you re: your state of mind and the choices that you are considering. This has risk for your friendship and needs to be done with agreement on the rules for openness. An honest discussion about what you need could open the conversation. On the other hand, continuing, destructive behaviors may have serious consequences on the friendship and many other relationships. Many family member and close friends can be lost to a chaotic process.

 This is a critical moment for many significant relationships in your life- not just your (former) intimate partner.

Entering the FRRP with an expectation to rebuild an intact relationship potentially is going to have negative outcomes (anger/frustration). Let the relationship play itself out. Rarely can you persuade the other person to make a different choice. The other partner has to come to that choice.

 Time is often required! If both parents go through the FRRP and one person decides that separation is right for them, then finding your path to acceptance and personal recovery is necessary. The final decision by one party to separate can trigger a return to anger, despair and sadness. This is the time when poor choices are often made.

Separating: Is there a better way?

 Remember the obvious- separations rarely occur because the partners are feeling good about the other partner. In fact, many signs have likely been available for some time about one or both party’s unhappiness. Sometimes this lack of togetherness has been masked by busyness at work or through a focus on a child (ren) engaged in activities. One or both parents may have found it convenient to deny the reality of a distancing intimacy.

A few considerations to avoid negative triggers:

  1. Don’t put off a conversation about your intimate relationship. It may feel dangerous; but ignore at your own peril. Many couples have been sleeping alone upstairs/downstairs for months.

This ‘arrangement’ can change in a moment i.e. ‘a dead relationship walking’; so we need to be aware of that possibility and the anger that can accompany such a change. Separating needs to be done by agreement, not following a heated argument that can have lasting, negative outcomes.

  • The matrimonial home: Preferably I don’t believe that either parent should leave the family home unless they have negotiated and signed off on a basic, interim parenting plan. A possible interim parenting plan is offered in the attachments.
  •  This site provides a process for the parents to explain to the children in an age appropriate way what is taking place and to answer any questions. See the sections on talking to the children and stages of development.
  •  There needs to be no rush to finalize anything! An interim parenting plan may provide some breathing room. An interim plan is not a comprehensive, separation agreement and not considered problems may surface. The principles of the agreement and the ultimate goals should govern these concerns. It is important to remember that children need their parents to be a model of civility. The mere fact of your separation triggers uncertainty, doubts and questions often left unasked by you children. They are constantly sensing everything that is going on.
  •  Remember that common parental fear re: losing your child in the separating process. A small success leads to further successes. Can you both attend school or extracurricular activities? Can you communicate about medical issues re: your children? Can you make the occasional parenting switch to deal with life? This immediate transition period is about rebuilding parenting trust at a time when relationship trust has been damaged.

             ‘The act of divorce in itself is not dishonourable; but we are meant to be conscious about the manner in which we conduct ourselves during the process of recanting our vows.’ (Carolyn Myss, Anatomy of the Spirit)

A Personal Story of Separating

It was a sunny March afternoon when I departed the family home. My three children (ages 12, 16, 19) were doing what they do on a Saturday afternoon. My wife and I had deferred the separating or not conversation for some time; but for some reason the conversation had begun anew in the past few days and I for some unknown reason agreed to be the one to leave the home. In some ways, that most important second decision (who would leave) was taken for granted. I insisted that everyone that mattered understood that there was no fault by myself or perhaps more accurately that fault lay in equal portions between us. For some reason it seemed important in the lead up to this day that friends and extended family understood this no-fault/mutual fault thing?

The leaving for many fathers is a default position where we are still in our caretaking role and our belief that we can handle living with less comfort and without children.

I had arranged to stay at a colleague’s in-laws’ home. What I thought was a basement apartment was a small Room with a shared bathroom.  I unpacked my bag of a few items and sat there pondering the future. I had spent no time preparing for this moment!

Leaving the family home without my children was immediately devastating/overwhelming. I was totally unprepared for the impact. Sleep would not be my companion that night as I processed the past decisions. The night before leaving I slept on my 12 year old daughter’s bedroom floor beside her bed. I prayed that she would somehow sense that I loved her forever …through whatever. I feared that she was at the most vulnerable stage.

I decided to return to the family home the next morning to tell my children’s mother my plight. She was insistent that we had made an agreement and that I should honour it. It was an emotional conversation!

 I recall the journey home that morning and my emotional vulnerability after that first night outside of ‘our’ home and my children. The familiar drive took me by a swamp that I barely noted in the past. I had this powerful urge to drive straight into the beckoning darkness and simply end the pain. Most people who know me would suggest that I was normally the rock in the family; yet within twenty-four hours I had entered a dark place, unknown in my pre-separating life.

 One change had taken place following my short return ‘visit’ to my family home. My 16 year old daughter chose to live with me. She packed a few things and returned to the Room. I don’t know if I was supposed to tell her to remain in the family home with all her middle class comfort.  I was probably selfish at that moment. I knew the role of being a parent. I desperately needed to be reminded that I was indeed a parent and that just maybe that would not disappear.

That night as my daughter slept in our 10 by 10 Room, I pondered from my bed on the floor what the next step would be. I remember the mixture of feeling like a failure as a father, an intimate partner and a provider.

My daughter’s choice brought on that second evening thankfulness over despair. I had my swamp moment for the only time in this journey. I recall it still as if yesterday and of course the blessing of my daughter who reminded me that I was still a dad! I have never forgotten that gift.

Lessons

 My personal story is about thinking that you understand what is about to take place. Probably not! a) The swamp moment was not in my plan; b) life without my children-even for a day-was not in my plan; c) life outside the family home was not in my plan; d) my daughter moving out to live with me was not in my plan; e) splitting the children was not in my plan; f) etc.

The decision to separate triggers emotions that can shock and disappoint you about yourself and/or your former intimate partner. At the same time, life continues in ways that you may be ill-prepared.

Judith Wallerstein (What About the Kids) suggests there are three immediate challenges that every separated parent faces simultaneously with the emotional turmoil that may grip you in the first days, weeks, and months.

  1. Getting your life under control. Restoring yourself and rebuilding your supports.
  2. You must prepare the children for the break-up and support them through the crisis.
  3. Create a new relationship between you and you former intimate partner and the other parent in your children’s lives.

Comments

Many (most) parents are dealing with at minimum a low level of depression prior to separating. The actual triggering of the separation often unleashes more emotions and may deepen depression.

As parents, we often at this moment focus on our children (rightly so); but this can add to our own sense of failure. We feel an obligation to take care of everyone else –children and grandparents.

Caring for ourselves must be an ongoing process; it is important to find moments immediately where you build in your day activities that distract you from your current day-to-day crisis.

Make a list of 3-5 such activities that could fit your daily schedule.

Obsessiveness. It is very easy to fall into this trap. You may become very easily a non-stop talker and non-stop thinker about what is taking place in your family life. Your time with the kids is more nervous than ‘normal’- even interrogating children. Your time with friends and colleagues is about bending their ear or hearing them armchair quarterback your situation.

Self-Discipline. Allocate a limited time to focus on the different relationship problems. Obsessiveness leads only to circular thinking and saps your energy. Find time that is free from your normal routine.

In our section on talking to the children, there is an approach that reinforces a no-fault explanation and advocates for a two- parent involvement approach. The more that you own this approach you will be supporting all parties through the crisis.

The children’s health has positive consequences on your mental health.

Accept that parenting is much harder in a separating family on almost every possible front. It is also doable!

Both parents need to make a list of significant others in each child’s life who should be updated on the family situation i.e. teachers, coaches, caregivers, etc. They can be a valuable resource. Again, a no-fault approach should be employed. Do not enlist people in personal day-to-day updates re: perceived failings of the child’s other parent.

Accept that you can’t make everything perfect for your children. You weren’t able to do so in the intact family – don’t add unnecessary emotional baggage. Don’t turn the children into your comfort blanket. It is too easy to do and it is likely to turn them off the other parent OR lead them to escape your smothering.

Your relationship with your children changes in many ways.

List how it has changed already!

 If you try to insist that there is to be no change, it is likely that you are insisting on pushing the other parent away.

The new relationship with the other parent begins with how you separate and the approach on explaining the separation to the children.

Our emotional state can have long-lasting consequences. You must ignore the hurtful, emotional response and remain focused on positive outcomes for the children and thus yourself.

adult child and elderly mom on beach

Older Children and Separation

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children
adult child and elderly mom on beach

The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children grow to a certain age (late-adolescence or early 20s) to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and often appear remarkably independent.

I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that your child will likely have to accept or endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities, though they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction , such as who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance here.

A family unit that has only known being intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that the children have known. For some parents at this stage there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage, it is my time to find happiness’ position. That is not an unreasonable feeling but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Anticipating Challenges

A parental split rarely if ever goes as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become too long-lasting. Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited, reduced opportunities with your child. Different perspectives among older children can cause serious rifts that can be long-lasting.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended negative outcomes are more likely to endure when older children are no longer under the same roof because there is less together time to repair the damage and to work it through. In addition each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Planning to Tell the Older Children

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child. Reactions are very individual and may include many mixed reactions:

  • Older children often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.
  • Older children often blame one parent and see the other parent as being abandoned.
  • Older children may also decide to live their life separate from one or both parents.

When discussing the plan to separate with your older children, please consider these points:

  • Offer older children a grown-up, age-appropriate explanation that is honest without defamation.
  • Let your grown children know that they are not expected to take sides in the separation process.
  • Let your children know that the shared history you have built together as a family will not be forgotten or dismissed.
  • Find ways to manage family events and include extended family and grandparents.
  • Plan in advance how matters such as inheritance, education, and financial support will be managed so that any practical questions can be answered.