Notes from Barbara Coloroso’s Parenting Through Crisis:

Families Born of Loss and Hope

• The definition of family has been long debated. It usually ends up being more exclusive than inclusive. Institutions fail to recognize with equality the different family forms.
• Defining a family as only one type of structure is to exclude other types of families and say they are not real
• Stepfamilies and single parent families are all as real as the traditional family.
• Families are dynamic and changing, A new child can be born, an older child moves away to college, a parent can die and grandparents can move in.
• Relationships in families are dynamic, interconnected and reciprocal.
• The three types of families in this chapter are born of loss and hope.
• 1.) Children born into a single parent family or who become part of one as a result of death or divorce, 2.) Children entering into a step family or being born into one, 3.) Children who are adopted or born through new reproductive technology.
• All of these children will have a number of physical, emotional and psychological losses associated with the loss of the old family.
• The new family will have hope and new beginnings.
• Denying the loss or hope means denying these families.
• Viewing these families as different or applying needless labels doesn’t help them to function or participate in the community.
• Applying comments or labels can also imply the family is doomed to fail.
• Although there are problems inherent in the families mentioned, they can be solved when addressed without bias.
• Problems fall into five categories: loss, boundary ambiguity, communication, commitment and discipline.

1) Loss

• Death, divorce, infertility and adoption are all examples of loss.
• Grief cannot be denied, refused, overlooked, minimized or belittled.
• The three passages of grief (piercing grief, intense sorrow, and sadness that shares space with joy and peace) must be honoured and not rushed through.
• In the family not everyone will experience the same three passages to the same extent or order.
• Piercing grief of goodbye can be felt at the time of divorce by a child and again at a parent’s second wedding knowing there is no chance for the parents to get back together again.
• Ultimately the keys are to name the loss, honour the grief and confront the pain.

2) Boundary Ambiguity

• There are many questions around family boundaries.
• In families that are born of loss and hope the answers can be complex and conflicting.
• In a step family it is critical that each family member has a sense of having a special place in the new family.
• Usually the family members will have an equally important place in another family system with another set of relationships.
• When boundaries are too fluid people may never form a family unit and the kids and parents can suffer from lack of identity.
• When boundaries are too rigid to allow acceptance into the new family unit or access to their biological parents, kids can suffer from lack of connectedness.
• A middle ground is important for the well being of the family but can be difficult to achieve.
• Boundaries can be difficult to define if the child assumes the role or responsibilities of another adult rather than being a kid.
• A trap for single parents is to see the single parent home as just a pause between the first family and the step family rather than a functioning family unit itself. (Barry)
• The house can be a mess with no desire to create a home environment. (Barry)
• Creating rituals, routines, special places, common spaces and common memories helps to create external boundaries in single parent and step families.
• Boundaries become tools to help children create order in their lives and a strong sense of a place to call home.

3) Communication

• Language and communication is important in any family.
• Saying that a biological sibling is a “real” sibling implies that step or adoptive siblings are less real.
• It is the same with the phrase “traditional” family which implies any other is lesser.
• For any family to communicate well it must create its own history and its own stories around that history.
• The Good Family Myth: stepparents feel for approval from society more than they feel the need to be honest, and they fear as being seen as a poor imitation of the real thing.
• The Broken Family Myth: invites unwarranted criticism from society and unnecessary apologies from stepparents.
• Real communication can sometimes take a back seat to the myths.

4) Commitment

• Time and commitment are required to make a family.
• Commitment to one another and to the family as a whole.
• If a parent enters a step parent situation half-heartedly, they might not have the full commitment to make things work.
• Teens are sometimes committed to making sure a second marriage fails.
• A single parent may see the single parent family as simply a phase before they move on to a two parent family and get “rescued” from raising a child alone.
• An adopted child might worry they will be abandoned by the parents if they run into rough times.

5) Discipline

• The discipline issues of meal time, bed time and sibling rivalry can be the same in most families.
• The need for limits, boundaries, rules and consequences are the same in all types of families.
• The ages and stage are the same as well as the purpose of discipline.
• The difference is in the history, where each parent in the family is coming from.***
• Expectations and structure from the old family can carry on in to the new one and it can lead to trouble. For example, a parent that was used to authoritarian parenting may have difficulty if a step child has been used to reacting to being disciplined- to push back.
• Teens don’t even like to listen to their own parents much less a new adult in the house.****
• A father might let his own biological kids run free for fear of being rejected during a visit but expect that the step kids still follow all the rules.***
• This area can be the most divisive for families. Kids may talk about what the other parent lets them do.
• Issues from one relationship or context can lead to issues in another.

The Tao of Hope

• Responsibility of the older generation to the younger is to devote time and energy to the nurturing of the next generation as opposed to being fully absorbed in their own lives and pleasures.
• To make a family born of loss and hope a safe harbor for children, the rights, needs and wants of all parties need to be balanced against the final weight of what is good, jut and right for the children. ***
• A new family devoid of any connections to the former spouse might makes things less complicated for the adult but denies the child the right to develop a bond with one of their biological parents.***

Single Parent Families

• Single parent families are different from two parent families, but still just as much a family as any other.***
• The five most common ways it is created are: divorce, death, never married, desertion and adoption.
• A single parent family is a viable kinship structure where children can grow up to be responsible, resourceful and compassionate adults.
• The maturity and stability of parenting skills is more critical for the child than the family structure.****
• One parent family does not need to be a one adult family. Help can come from friends and other family members as well as community supports. ***
• Children need good role models regardless of age or gender.
• Poverty is a major threat to family stability.
• Two incomes or one decent income can help alleviate stress in many areas.
• Many single parents can find themselves below the poverty line after divorce.
• Children who venture into school for the first time may see different family structures from their own and it is natural they will ask questions. ***
• Children can have mixed emotions about the single parent finding a new partner.
• The child might feel as if the other parent is being betrayed. ***
• The child may also feel that they might be replaced by this new person. ***
• The parent has to explain to the child that no one can replace them and demonstrate it through their actions as well. ***
• The new partner must be good for the kids as well.
• The needs and wants of all parties have to be balanced about what is right for the children.
• The child may feel angry that hey have to make changes again in their life that they have no control over.***
• A seemingly minor thing to the parent such as seating at the dinner table might be a major thing for the child. ****
• It is important that the new person be slowly introduced into the child’s life.***

Twice Upon a Time: Stepfamilies

• The step family has probably been stereotyped and attacked more than any other family.
• Sometimes it’s called the stepchild of a real family. This language implies that a step child or step family is are less important, less valuable or less whole than the real thing and that neither can rise up to the status of the real thing.
• It can be considered an imitation of the real thing.
• Step comes from the Anglo Saxon word “stoep” meaning bereavement or loss.
• All step families are born of some bereavement or loss.****
• The basic characteristics of a step family are: It is born of loss, at least one spouse is a stepparent, the family system is complicated and multidimensional, not everyone is necessarily happy about the marriage.
• A step family is a real family that will often take at least three years to feel like a real family.  It creation can be slow and methodical.

Myths, fairy, tales and fables

This section is incredibly insightful!  *****

• The myth of instant love: There is an expectation that a stepparent will immediately love the step children. This can put a strain on the family when it doesn’t happen. Love will take time, patience, shared memories and a shared history to develop. ******
• Stepparents will love their children and their step children equally: loving and caring are not about equality, they are about relationships. When you eliminate the need to love equally the possibility of even just liking the step child becomes more realistic.  Loving the stepchild does not also mean they will love in return. *****
• All problems are directly related to being in a stepfamily: Most problems are related to being in a family and would be there regardless of the type of family. Siblings can have conflicts and so do parents and children.  Putting the blame on the step family structure is to look for a simple excuse.*****
• There is a best time to create a stepfamily: Some times can be easier than others but there is no best time.  Creating a stepfamily with teens can be very complicated. ******
• A stepfamily is better than a single parent home: Neither is better than the other. Both types of families can have their positives and downsides. Both should be seen as viable kinship structures.****

The Name Game

• Using the proper names and titles can be challenging.
• A child could feel they are betraying their biological dad by calling their stepdad “dad”.
• Biological children might resent their stepsiblings calling their dad by that title.
• The names the family members use to call one another need to evolve over time.
• A conscious effort needs to be made for the family to create rituals, routines and traditions.
• Nicknames can overcome some of the problems with titles. Nicknames come about as a result of experiences with the other person and they can be personal and enduring.
• Children need to pick a name for their stepparent that is comfortable to use and that the stepparent can live with.
• Surnames can be another concern. Stepsiblings that are close in age may have difficulty explaining why they have different surnames.
• Some stepfamilies have decided that the best way to create a strong stepfamily is for the stepparent to adopt the stepchildren. This also solves the different surname issue.
• The ceremony and ritual around adoption can help strengthen the bond between the stepparent and stepchild and the family as a whole.
• Adoption is not a guarantee of anything and will not make bad relationships better.

Teens

• The three biggest issues to deal with teens in stepfamilies are: attachment/separation struggle, history and sexuality.

Attachment/Separation Struggle

• The teen wants to begin to move away and establish their own identity.***
• They still want to have some rootedness with the parents.****
• This struggle is made worse when they are trying to break away form the biological parents while at the same time asked to join a new step family and create new traditions, rituals and routines.******

History

• It is natural for teens to be questioning authority and be otherwise difficult to deal with. The biological parent remembers when the child was easy to get along with. *** This is the midway challenge for a stepparent. You are introduced to a new stepchild at a time when they are struggling with and challenging any authority.
• The stepparent who has no history with the child sees only a defiant teenager.
• Stepfamilies can be healthier than the family of the first marriage if the adults are willing to learn from the mistakes of the first marriage, leave excess baggage behind, make an effort to compromise, and balance the needs, rights and wants of all parties against what is good and just for the kids.****
• When parents are happy it is good for the kids. It leaves them the energy to spend on their own problems.
• As long as the stepparent is willing to be present but not overbearing it means the teen will have one more positive role model and caring person in their life. ***

Sexuality

• Step children can be attracted to the stepparent and stepparents can be attracted to the step teen.
• Stepsiblings can be attracted to each other.
• In a biological family the boundaries between affection and sexuality are clearly defined and there is a history of physical touching that is natural and innocent.
• The history is not there in a newly formed stepfamily.
• Open communication will be vital.
• When anyone in the family expresses uncomfortableness everyone should listen and be aware.
• When preteens and teens are part of the family it is good for ground rules to be established before the two families come to live together.
• When a step teen is attracted to the stepparent, the stepparent must set clear guidance on what comments and behaviours are appropriate and healthy.
• The adults in the family should help the teens to understand the differences between feelings, fantasies and behaviours.
• Denial on the part of the parents hurts everyone involved.

His, hers, ours

• The decision to have a child by the parents in the stepfamily is a major one.
• This child would be the only one who is related to everyone else in the family. ****
• While the parents might be excited about this new child the other children/stepchildren may not.****
• The children may wonder if they were enough, or if they will still be loved when the new child arrives.
• The rituals and traditions surrounding childbirth can help strengthen the family ties.

Effective Childrearing

• Authoritative parents who set firm limits with love and thoughtfulness are more effective than strict authoritarian parents or permissive laissez-faire parents. This is true regardless of the family structure.
• A new family is a new beginning for all members.
• People do not have to continue with the same mistakes of the past.