Notes from the publications of author and psychologist Richard Warhshak. See his website for more resources.

• Children’s attitudes during the breakup may be temporary. They may be reacting to an isolated event, such as a fight between parents or the discovery of an affair, rather than the full history of their relationship with each parent.

• They may complain about a parenting plan because of minor frustrations and not really consider the drawbacks of alternative plans.

• Children may tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear at the time.

• May reflect trivial reasons or immature thinking.

• Examples: A five year old girl wants to live with her daddy because he lets her eat as much candy as she wants. A ten year old boy wants to live with his mom because she lets him stay up as late as he wants. A fifteen year old girl wants to live with her father and stepmother because they impose no curfew, allow her to drink alcohol, commiserate with her about the uselessness of education, and promise her a luxury car if she moves in with them.

• Preference to live with a parent may be unhealthy. For instance, a boy may have a close identification with a father who treats the mother with violence and disrespect. The boy’s closer tie to his father may be long-standing and may lead the boy to express a preference for a parenting plan that maximizes time with his dad while minimizing time with his mom. Such a plan, though, is likely to further entrench the boy’s unhealthy identification. Another example: a boy may be too closely tied to his mom and afraid of leaving her side, so he says he doesn’t want to spend the night at his dad’s house.

• Children may say they want to live with a parent because they think they need to take care of that parent.

• Children may show loyalty to one parent because they are afraid of him and don’t want him to be angry with them.

• The biggest problem with giving children a say in custody decisions is that it puts them in the middle of their parents’ disputes. If the kid’s attitude is going to influence the court, then there is a greater risk that one or both parents will put pressure on the child to takes sides with one parent against the other. So when a child expresses an opinion about custody, it may be the child’s voice dubbed with the words of whichever parent has the most influence over the child at that moment in time.