Category: Guest Post

Letter to God from a proud father

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids’n’ Dad by a Separated Dad. Names have been altered to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Dear God,

This Wednesday is my daughter’s birthday. As usual, I am going to celebrate having a healthy and talented twenty-four year old girl. Whatever my financial situation, I never miss her birthday, and this year is special. I’m going to take a day trip to Niagara Fall and enjoy a five- star buffet lunch at the revolving restaurant at the top of Hilton Hotel to enjoy the view. Mary is with me in my heart! 

It was 15 years ago Mary, and I had a Happy Meal together at MacDonald restaurant to celebrate her ninth birthday. It was her idea to have the Happy Meal because she was collecting Pokémon toys that came with the meal. We spent a solid one hour of quality time together mostly at MacDonald’s and in the car. Her mother called that a special privilege – she was kind enough to allow the extraordinary hour outside my visitation right. She proclaimed that was out of the compassionate ground as a good Christian – our Separation Agreement did not have a birthday clause. Well, she had sole legal custody, the laws allowed her to make all decisions, major and minor, for the best interest of our daughter. I have no other options but wholeheartedly accepting whatever offer was granted from the mother to be with my only daughter.  If not, I could go back to the divorce court for another battle.

According to the Separation Agreement, my visitation right was bi-weekly from Saturday 8 AM to Sunday 5 PM. In addition, there was a footnote attached: the mother had the right to change the time and date for the visitation by giving the father sufficient times and reasonable clarification. It was not written explicitly in black and white what was sufficient and reasonable.

The week after Mary’s ninth birthday I had her for the weekend.  Her grandparents were at the cottage; my mother missed her so dearly and they wanted to celebrate her birthday and present her with gifts. It was a wonderful weekend for the family gathered beside the lake with a camp-fire and full of laughter. Unfortunately, most good times and happiness are impermanent. On Sunday afternoon I was ready to take my daughter back to her mother, but my father had a severe pain in the chest. So, we decided to rush him to the Walk-In clinic in town for checkup since my father had a long history of a heart condition. It was an unforeseeable situation and I left Mary’s mother a voicemail on her answering machine to explain the dilemma and mentioned we will be late arriving home. At the time, the only means of communication for both of us were the landline or emails. Fortunately, it turned out my father’s chest pain was a pulled muscle, so I drove them back to the cottage.  Again, I called my ex-wife at the gas station and left a message to inform her we were on the way home.  

By the time I and Mary got back to her mother it was almost 8 PM. Two police officers were in the house. Apparently, my ex-wife reported her daughter was kidnapped! Out of frustration and under distress, I argued with my ex-wife in the presence of the police officers and my daughter concerning my father’s physical health. I was told by the police officers to go home and do not come back to her house until I heard from Children’s Aid Society. It turned out that was the last time physically I was with Mary.

First time on Monday morning, my lawyer informed me that my ex-wife filed a restraining order due to my aggressiveness and her safety, and I had to play by the rules to stay away from her and Mary until further notice and investigation. That sparked off another new round of custody battles. First was to remove the restraining order and then the amend the original Separation Agreement. The divorce court and processes are very complicated, prolonged, and not to mention very expensive. It took more than two years and two court appearances to have the restraining order removed and added a couple of clauses so that I have the opportunity to see my daughter more frequently with the blessing of her mother. During this time, I was prevented from contacting my daughter – not even supervised visitation until the court made the final decision and legally amended the Separation Agreement.

Finally, the day arrived – what a relief – and my visitation right resumed. It happened on that weekend of Mary’s twelfth birthday. I phoned my ex-wife on Saturday morning to arrange to fetch my daughter. To my surprise, another bomb exploded – my ex-wife told me that Mary was not feeling well and was not in the mood to see her father. I insisted to come to the house to see my daughter with her birthday gift.

Was it a crime for the father spending time with his daughter?

I arrived at their house, and although I knew they were inside the doorbell was not answered. After a few minutes, someone must have called the police, a police cruiser arrived, and I was told to stay inside my car while the police officer went into the house to speak with my ex-wife. My anticipation was the police officer coming out hand in hand with my daughter with a smiling face. On the contrary, my dream turned into a nightmare. In fact, I got a stern warning from the officer not to come near the house to cause trouble until I heard from my lawyer.

My immediate reaction was to turn to my lawyer for help. He was the smart one that negotiated the best deals for his clients. The answering machine from his office said he was out of town for business. Without wasting any more time, I called the Family and Children Service (FACS) and spoke to the on-call case worker and explained to her about my distress and even reported that incident as child abuse because the mother prevented the daughter to see her father. The FACS worker delivered the same statement I heard before so many times from the authorities: Please stay away from the house until further notice!   

I received a call from FACS on Monday morning with an invitation for a meeting. Eagerly, I went there with high hopes and a bagful of court case notes and legal agreements. The result of the two hours meeting with FACS was that they clearly explained to me that their protocol was to investigate child abuse and the best interest of the child without bias. In other words, they were going to hear both sides of the story and my daughter played the major role.

During FACS investigation, my visitation right was on hold. Eventually, I received a report from FACS after two months and two days. The verdict was sweet and simple. The case manager set up eight counselling sessions for father and daughter to re-establish their relationship since they have been apart for more than three years. Graciously, I accepted the offer with open arms and looking forward to heal the wounded hearts. I fully understand the impact of the family conflict on the child’s mental health.   

Enthusiastically, I showed up early for the first counselling session, like a first date, with a box of chocolate and the birthday gift, my daughter’s favourite Harry Potter book. Unfortunately, my daughter did not show up, and I went home disappointed. The counsellor reassured me he would contact my ex-wife to remind her of my daughter’s appointment. The next week I attended the pre-arranged second counselling session with the same box of chocolates and the book. It was a no show. The counsellor advised me to go home and wait. Do not do anything foolish – stay away from them for now. FACS will look into the matter.

A few days later I received news from my lawyer with FACS recommendation.  The reports spelled out in details the obligation of FACS. Basically, the best interest of the child means that – all custody and visitation decision are made with the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging the child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood.  According to the divorce law, when a child is over 12 years old, he or she has the option to choose and make his or her decision. The finding indicated my ex-wife was a good mother since my daughter attending a gifted school and programs, living in a positive home environment, without her father’s involvement. What?

My lawyer comforted me and told me not to worry for he had a plan for how to get my daughter back. His strategy was to hire a child psychologist to make some assessments and prove my daughter is suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome. We could throw the medical diagnostic in front of the judge to pressure him to change the Separation Agreement and FACS findings to my advantage. My lawyer even willing to do it at a reduced rate of $25,000.

That was not a win-win situation. I decided to walk away, not from my daughter’s life, but from the divorce industry. I had no more money and energy to sit in court again without end. I already lost my house and half my pension savings, and now my daughter. The only rational solution for me is to change my mindset since I could not change the situation. Even though my daughter and I were not physically together, I’m still trying my best to be her father; persistently, every Christmas and birthday I continued sending her greeting cards and gifts. Sadly, most of them are returned to the sender. Eventually, I stopped when the new house owner informed me, they moved away without leaving a forwarding address.

It was 15 years ago the last time Mary was with me at the cottage. We had no contact at all. Nowadays, it is not difficult to search for personal information on the internet. I found out from Facebook – the pictures were almost unrecognisable – it shows my daughter has become a young lady, not a child anymore. She had been with her mother and an unknown person visiting a couple of exotic tourist places. Her LinkedIn illustrated that she achieved high distinction. She was awarded a full scholarship for post-graduate school. Besides academically excelling, she had been active in student leadership. I read her writing on social justice issues. 

This year I have good reason to celebrate my daughter’s birthday with style. First, I have fulfilled my child support responsibility since she completed her first university degree according to the Separation Agreement. Second, my spouse support payments obligation have only five more years to go.

I am a proud father. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a healthy and talented daughter!

My Family Matters… Too!

On By BarryIn During Separation, Guest Post, Mothers

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother

I am the silent unseen voice.  I sit quietly in the shadows watching, listening and learning with each unfair decision made in and out of the courtroom.  I have emotional and financial responsibilities placed on me because of those decisions yet I am given no consideration.  No one listens to my concerns and worries.  I am the “new” wife that stands behind my husband who has battled through a court system for 7 years just to have access to and the right to be a father to his daughter.  I have witnessed each unfair decision made against my husband and I play them back in my head like a horror movie.  I look back and wonder how we have made it this far without giving up but no one cares how I feel.  I’m just the “new wife”; I apparently do not matter.   

How wrong they are! I have lived every day, involved in my husband’s 7-year battle to be dad.

We are not rich, we do not live lavishly or spend money frivolously.  It would appear on the outside that we live the “Canadian Dream”.  How mistaken are those ignorant enough to be fooled because we look like an average couple.  Behind closed doors no one sees the tears, frustration and emotional stress that have been placed on my son and us.  No one recognizes that I have had to learn Family Law and teach myself how to navigate through a court system.  No one sees me working until midnight preparing motions and affidavits and making sure that I have all my T’s crossed and I’s dotted.  I have a full time job, I am not a lawyer but I’ve had to learn to be one.

I’ve helped my husband pack up his house when he lost it due to astronomical lawyer’s fees.  I’ve picked my husband up off the floor when he had no will to carry on, reminding him that there is a little girl who is counting on him to pull through. 

No one understands that I’ve had to put my desire to have more children away or that we rent because of the debt owed to lawyers.  No one cares that I am stuck paying the entire household bills because Alex’s paychecks are used solely to pay child support and lawyers.  No one cares that when he is laid off due to the nature (seasonal/recession) of his work, I pay the child support.  Alex and I want to get formally married but we aren’t able to because his ex refuses to sign divorce papers out of spite.  I have actually been written into the final order to mediate or speak with his ex in person or on the phone when they can’t get along to make a decision.

 If I have no involvement then what the hell have I been doing for the past seven years? 

I have a son from a previous marriage.  Alex has known Ben since the age of 3, he’s 10 now.  My ex and my husband get along, they sit and chat, and we welcome Tom (my ex) into our home just as he welcomes us into his.  I am doing what I am supposed to do as a mother to make my son feel at ease with the separation of his parents.  Ben loves his step-dad, they have a bond together much like father and son.

I have yet to hear one judge inquire about Ben’s feelings although he’s talked about often in proceedings. 

Ben has witnessed endless arguments between Alex and me because we just didn’t know what else to do in the aftermath of another day in court that proved to be disheartening.  Ben has missed birthday parties simply because we could not afford the gift.  For the past four years Ben has had to sit in 3hr car rides twice a weekend because it was ordered that we do all the driving when the ‘ex’ decided to move over an hour away.  Ben despises the car rides, but he is too young to remain home alone and I have no choice but to be there for access exchanges to serve as a witness for Alex if his ex initiates arguments.  My son is hurt when Alex’s daughter decides she doesn’t want to come mainly because of her mother’s influence.  He is confused by the situation and feels like maybe she just doesn’t like playing with him.  I try to protect my son from the drama but sometimes it just can’t be avoided.  I sit back and listen to judges and lawyers preach to both Alex and his ex about the “best interests of the child”. 

What about my child? Does he not deserve ‘best interests’ too?

We cannot afford vacations and we currently have no home phone or cable.  It’s very upsetting to hear that the other side is purchasing big screen TVs, new bedroom furniture, re-doing there home and it’s tough for all of us to listen to Alex’s daughter’s recollections of Disney and family vacations.  If I sound jealous I am.  Alex and I work hard to pay for his ex’s vacations yet we get no downtime to recover from the beatings we get from the court system.  We have been forced to sacrifice just to try and make ends meet.  Alex’s daughter is only 10 and we have at least 8 more years of this. Please understand that my words don’t even scratch the surface of our experience. 

Our judicial system assumes that fathers of divorce remain single; that they do not re-marry or have obligations to a new family.  Courts demand divorced fathers to make it there sole purpose in life to meet the monetary expectations set out by judges who do not fully understand or care what the emotional and financial impact of “their court orders”, not only to the father but to the family standing behind that man.

 I have experienced first hand the biased views placed upon my husband because he is a man and the non-caring attitude of judges who do not listen to his legitimate concerns.  I laugh when groups such as Kids n Dads are accused of defending those men who are affected and are said to have a one sided opinion.  I can assure you that these individuals have never set foot in a courtroom to experience the biased attitudes of judges and legal counsel against them. 

I have often wondered about the actual statistics of men labeled as “dead beat fathers” and are these truly non caring individuals or are these men simply giving up because they don’t have the financial means or emotional stability to fight a losing battle?  Then you look at Alex and I who have given all that we have financially, emotionally and more to ensure that his daughter grows up knowing her dad.  We have had to fight for every little success and there aren’t many.

 I often wonder what the suicide rates are for those men who just can’t handle the abuse that is placed upon them because they are a man fighting in a sexist court system with no protection.  Alex and I know of two men who have taken their life because they could not handle the pressures and accusations of being a “divorced father”.  I have done everything humanly possible to prevent Alex from becoming one of these statistics.  These are the stories you don’t hear about.

We are the ones that have fallen through the cracks and there is no real support within the system for us.  Some days we simply agree that this is just how it has to be and other days we have some fight left.  We are being worn down. 

For me, as the woman and “new wife” behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to help fight this battle. I love my husband and Ben loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay, but I’m very tired… almost all the time.

This feature was contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother

                

Lessons from A Separated Dad’s Journey to Create A Dad’s Home

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following guest post was originated through conversations between Barry and a dad who at time of separation had two young children and shared parenting. The dad established a blended family. Below is a summary of the dad’s thoughts, concerns, and lessons from his journey.

Thoughts on finances, nutrition and health

Finances: consider initial issues – budgeting, paying bills, paying mortgage/rent, child support/spousal support, transportation; financial issues lead to mental health issues and relationship issues;

Try to avoid eviction which could result in interrupted parenting; credit rating issues, visa debts, etc.

Changing residences is common for a dad – difficult to parent in these circumstances; think residence through; what makes sense for you and your children; what can work? You want to establish a ‘stable environment’ if possible.

Can you afford a RESP if you have a young child?

Dietary: cooking skills- balanced meals, making interesting/healthy, school lunches; do your different children have special dietary needs? Part-time access dads too often eat out. You must learn to shop effectively, within a tight budget probably.

Home Health Care: What do you need in your new home with the children for everyday care. Think it through and if necessary, ask friends if this is not an area of strength. What are basic first aid needs for your children? Sore throats; insect bites, pink eye; bad falls; taking the child’s temperature and knowing what is alarming or a dull to normal range- or what steps to take to bring the child’s temperature down- when to go to emergency; etc.

Does your medical cabinet have all the necessary supplies to manage the day-to-day crisis? Are you competent?

Attend medical appointments; communicate info to the mother; make sure she knows that you want reciprocal information flow. Take a first aid course. Introduce yourself to your pharmacist. Read their brochures! Read labels on use of meds – children’s Advil, polysporin, band aids of every size, on and on it goes. Get advice from different sources.

Many separated dads now have infants and toddler age children. Many may have played a full role, others may have a limited role in the intact family based on any number of reasons; you must gain a comfort and competence level for the sake of your child and the parenting challenges you may face, going forward.

Don’t be hesitant to ask for help from any number of people with experience over many parenting years. There may be a fear within you about displaying a lack of knowledge; HOWEVER, you need this to be the long-term parent in your child’s life. Find trusted people in your life; work at filling in gaps in your parenting resume; be proud of yourself.

Early Stages (Hopefully) Mental Health

Do not be afraid to ask a trusted friend for their observations on your behavior. What do they see in you? You want them to be honest; you should not be hostile; process the feedback.

Most of us can handle the days and nights when we have our children. We feel like dad again! Unfortunately, when your parenting goes badly (not perfect as we envisioned), there may be several days each week without the children- the not-so-good experience can linger.

The possibility of an additional problem may depend on how you manage the days without the children. Behaviors can be harmful to you in the short and long run. Today the internet provides alternatives from on-line dating to gaming to…? The only pattern to life is the days with children, and days without the children often outnumber the first option.

Reckless behavior can be costly and lead to unpredictable parenting and a difficult parenting relationship with the mother.

GETTING IT TOGETHER IS A DIFFICULT BUT NECESSARY TASK IN THE EARLY MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS.

Your parenting life is not on pause and recognizing such as early as possible starts you down a path on building positive steps into your life.

  • 0-5: Practical steps: Doctor’s appointments; before school and after school appointments; early   years centres; YMCA; Community centres, play groups -inexpensive programs; parent-child swim; etc.
  • 5-12:
    • Find opportunities to be involved in your child’s extracurricular life through coaching, volunteering, school trips, etc.
    • Attend all teacher open house activities; Report cards and interviews; read daily planners for all the days; access school web site; stay on top of educational issues; be aware of any learning difficulties as your child progresses; find a pattern of fun and skills activities that you and your children will own for a lifetime.
    • Do the best job possible at maintaining or rebuilding a co-operative flow of communication with the child’s mother. There is a lot going on in two households for your children; if you can harmonize certain routines, life can become more predictable for everyone;
    • Each parent is different and may have very different parenting styles. You both likely know those difference from your time together. It is possible to employ that awareness into managing your parenting. e.g. use of video games, appropriate films, etc.
  • 12-18:  THE FUN/INTERESTING (???) TEEN YEARS:
    • The issues change during the pre-teen and adolescence years. Our own teen years sometimes influence how we handle discipline over the common challenges of these years: drugs, tobacco, alcohol, dating, motivation at school.
    • Peer relationships take precedent over family relationships. It is the natural order BUT for a separated dad who may have less parenting time to begin, it can feel like a loss of influence and oversight.
    • Adolescents in a two-home parenting scenario may go back and forth- not on the parenting schedule but on the kids’ schedule. It takes effective coparenting to stay in control of parenting decisions. It takes a different kind of parenting- keeping communication lines open- knowing their friends-recognizing troubles or mental health issues-preparing them for the next stage of post- adolescence life.
    • Remember the teen years in an intact family are also the ‘fun years’; so, don’t blame yourself or the other parent or the separation for every bump in the road.

Just do your best. Do what you need to do to be the parent you desire to be!

See the Resource Hub for more support.