Category: Fathers

stone monument with words outdoors

On Becoming a Dad, Grandpa and Great Grandpa

On By BarryIn Fathers, Holidays

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

My beginning as I remember

On January 29th, 1915, a bank clerk aged 23 from St. John’s Newfoundland volunteered to join the newly created Royal Newfoundland Regiment following the British Empire declaration of war- the ‘Great War’ had commenced. This regiment of young men were under British command and within a few months were given a boisterous farewell by their proud family and friends as they were transported 5000 miles away to Gallipoli – the Dardanelles campaign- an unheard of destination for all. 

These young Newfoundlanders volunteered for King, country and adventure. The war was expected to be short- over within a year; instead these young men soon endured  trench warfare, daily bombardment, disease, harsh weather conditions and the never ending, haunting and foreboding cries of  dying and wounded comrades and enemy combatants.

Our young bank clerk within months at Gallipoli was struck by a piece of shrapnel in the chest pocket of his tunic. He should have died;  by chance, fate or divine intervention a coin, pen and notepad in his tunic pocket blunted the impact. He would survive to fight another day.

A few blood- stained months later the ill-conceived Gallipoli campaign was abandoned by the British command, and the young men of the Newfoundland Regiment would be transferred to the Western front and an even more brutish and deadly campaign at Baumont-hamel in France. Losses for this regiment surpassed over 50% in deaths and wounded.

Our young bank clerk, who had earlier escaped ‘certain death,’ had been promoted to Lance Corporal but in the ensuing months suffered a  lifelong disability. His participation in the ‘Great War’ had concluded. He would be sent home on a hospital ship; unlike most of his mates he would survive the carnage of  Gallipoli and Baumont -hamel. He would be reminded every day by his lifelong physical disability and the emotional trauma of trench warfare.

 In time, he returned to his previous employment as a bank clerk in New Liskeard in Northern Ontario and soon met and married a young woman, a pioneering female teacher. He soon was transferred to Toronto, and they would have their only child, a son who would be named after his father and grandfather- Ronald Mc Donald Lillie.

Within 10 years (1920s) his young wife suffered a progressive, mental health breakdown (likely schizophrenia) and would live the remainder of her life (over 50 years) locked in her own reality. As her illness deepened,  she drew a commitment from her husband, our young bank clerk, that he would not institutionalize her, a common consequence in that day. He kept his word, ever hopeful for a glimmer of positive change that never came.

In her realty, her son remained forever a 10 year old boy. Over time  family members who entered her life were given names from somewhere in her past – it was simply accepted as the way it was by all the family members. She called me Baby Edgar, and the son remained always her ‘million dollar baby’.

Their son surely struggled all his life to make sense of his childhood and by the age of 20 was married. They had a child in 1938 and within 2 years, like his father before him,  he volunteered for the Canadian armed forces shortly after the start of WW2 in 1939. His send off was quite different from that of his dad some 25 years earlier. The war was going badly, and the future would likely be even worse. He said his goodbyes to his wife, 2 year old son and dad. Would they ever see each other again was a relevant question? 

Both wars placed their lives in the hands of others, fate and chance.

He would serve in Britain for over 3 years  during the Battle of Britain, preparing for an expected German invasion. He returned to Canada in 1943 to train soldiers at Camp Borden- many who eventually served and lost their lives in the Canadian tragedy at Dieppe and later in the heroic invasion of Normandy in June 1944.

Upon his return to Canada the son of our Newfoundland bank clerk would have his second son, born in May 1944. I was that child! I like to believe that my very conservative dad went AWOL to conceive his second son.

By chance, fate or divine intervention of a coin, pen and notebook in a tunic pocket. 

 As a child aged seven I was shown reluctantly by my gramps those ‘survival trophies’ from WWI but once. They simply were and co-existed with unasked and thus unanswered questions about my grandmother’s mental illness; my gramp’s disability; the impact of my father’s absence upon my older brother’s first  5 years of life and upon his young wife, my mother.

From this Remembrance Day my gramps and dad would be an integral part of my childhood, adolescence and adulthood until their passing. They shaped the completing of my whole- who I am for better or worse as a parent and grandparent. Their gifts were their faith in me- even when I was less deserving; just knowing they were there for me from sitting beside my bed in childhood, to a place of quiet retreat in adolescence, to being near in the crisis of my adulthood. 

It has now been 110 years (1915) since our young 23 year old bank clerk volunteered; his son was even younger with an infant child when he volunteered in 1939.  Doing their best for their children and grandchildren, at times imperfectly and very human, was shaped by those years of never knowing if there would be a notebook, pen and coin in a tunic pocket.

 ‘A parent’s love is forever…through whatever!’ That was their gift to their sons and through them to their grandchildren and successive generations. 

 “We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body”. (poet/Essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson)

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section.

 A Personal Journey (In memory of my parents and gramps)

On By BarryIn After Separation, Fathers, Grandparent

My parents were ‘good people, parents and grandparents’. They were from the time of my marriage at the age of twenty-two effectively parents to my children’s mother (her mother and father had passed away). 

My parents were also caring, supportive and committed grandparents to my brother’s family (two children from Toronto) and my family (three children living in Kitchener-Waterloo). Our families spent Christmas together at my home or my brother’s home every year after I was married and had children.

I cannot recall a cross word with my mother until my separation years. I was very close to my father. 

If we are fortunate to experience becoming a father and grandfather, we have accumulated a set of experiences that have shaped the person we have been for most of our adult life; mixed in to the set of ‘normal’ life experiences are a few that have changed us in a profound way.

My separation at the age of 46 fell into the profound category. When you are going through the early stages of a separation, it is a uniquely, personal experience i.e. our good intention to separate in a ‘caring manner’ is affected by our emotional state i.e. pain, anger, loss, despair, anticipation, promise, hope, and optimism to find happiness.

The ending of my marriage of close to 25 years was not triggered by a specific event, but by the drip, drip indifference over several years in which we failed to take care of each other. As an aside, I have never blamed my children’s mother for any failing that contributed toward our separation. This has  allowed me to maintain some perspective on our twenty-five years together.

One of the tragedies for many intimate partners with children is that the post-separation chaos and tragic missteps, intentional or otherwise, leave one or both partners damaged and a profound emptiness at the end.

In other words, the post separation trauma overwhelms the good that was also part of the intimate relationship. This outcome may have unfortunate consequences for our children in the long-term.]

The decision to separate

When the decision to separate was made, there were only two, significant others, besides our children, that we worried /needed to tell; namely our best friends and my parents. We jointly told our best friends in our idealized version of what I call no fault or mutual fault separation. I separately went anxiously to tell my parents in Toronto. They had accompanied us on a car trip to Lake Placid a year earlier and I am sure (silently) observed a marriage in trouble.

For my parents, beloved grandparents to five, the news that I brought them turned out to be a pre-mature death sentence and a final 5 years of life filled with turmoil and little joy. A later life built around the families of their two sons, daughters-in-law and 5 grandchildren was to be shattered… with inadequate time for recovery.

Our family separation, as adult children, can become a separation for grandparents and other significant, family members and friends. In my case, they all became part of my burden as I struggled to understand the chaos that ensued for everyone that I loved and cared for.

My belief in myself and my children’s mother as good people and parents would be tested on an almost daily basis through the pain, I saw in those that I loved.

I believe there is a common, male attribute that requires us to ‘fix it’. I suspect that my upbringing in a home. where my dad (who I loved dearly) was a problem drinker added to a learned, childhood ‘responsibility’ to bring calm to our family life.

Reflections from down the road

I have now attained the age of my dad (75 years old) at the time of my separation, and this is my first serious attempt to describe this part of my life passage, 27 years later. I am still a father of three and now a grandfather to six – 2 girls, 4 boys ranging from one to twenty-one. 

I began to consider writing this essay after celebrating our Christmas 2017 brunch in our very, complicated family. It included all the family mentioned above and of course their partners. I know too well that none of this was certain, once that fateful decision was made to separate, and I made that journey to Toronto to my parents’ home.

 It is a rare day that I don’t think about my parents and our troubled, last years together.

“I often feel guilty about my good life- my joy for what I have now causes me to momentarily forget my parents’ premature loss to my children and our family.” 

The good news for this son is that their grandchildren remember them with great fondness for the many, family brunches and special weekends they dedicated to each grandchild. All of the grandchildren were in adolescence and thus had their only grandparents in their life for 12 or more years.

 It has been my mission to model their love and caring to their grandchildren in the best way possible; in order to ensure that their legacy endures from generation to generation to generation.

 Grandparents are often the forgotten story – the throwaway relationship – unintended, deliberate, or through indifference. 

It happens because it is allowed to happen. It is virtually never about being in the ‘best interests’ of the grandchild. It happens because the system continues to endorse a process that even the Law Commission of Ontario admit too often turns solvable problems into unsolvable outcomes … for a lifetime.

The Rest of the Story of My Family 

As noted earlier, I have little interest in assigning ‘blame’ for the human reactions of separating partners; but I am interested in understanding what did take place to help others in similar situations. It is also not my intention to excuse bad behavior that can threaten every family relationship. Each parent needs to be accountable; but there is a reality that accompanies virtually every family breakdown i.e. no one can predict with any certainty how each intimate partner with children is going to react going forward.

Rule: The most ‘predictable outcome’ is that there is no certainty! 

The separating process must therefore be built on a foundation that recognizes the above rule. It must be the role of professionals to be a guardrail to the decisions that move families into prolonged chaos and away from the calm that their families require.  

If you made it this far in reading, you may have decided what could possibly be my family’s problem. In summary, my separation appeared to be based upon a mutual breakdown i.e. no abuse by either party and a general recognition that each party was a caring parent. There was only one set of grandparents and the parents/grandparents were adored. My parents were seemingly in an enviable position to continue to be involved grandparents.

What happened? This should have been straightforward, eh? Remember the first rule: there is no certainty once the lever is pulled to separate.

The age of the children (every stage of adolescence) even seemed enviable, in that they could influence where/who they would live within certain limits. Our marital unhappiness over the last 2-3 years prior to separating had likely created/aggravated divisions in every parent/child relationship, and even child-child relationships.

I, for no real reason (guilt or caretaking perhaps?) agreed to leave the matrimonial home. Within 48 hours my oldest daughter chose to live with me. Thus in only a weekend, we had separated and an unintended outcome re: the children’s homes had occurred.

Most intimate couples with children are ill prepared emotionally and practically for what takes place. I know that to be true for myself and for my children’s mother. A separation – even when it is the right step – challenges you profoundly as a loving parent, as a caring man or woman through the loss of intimacy and as a provider.

Depression rates are 4-6 times higher for separating mothers and dads vs. intact family parents. Consider the impact of this reality for many families at the time of separating and how it influences the way the separation plays out.

Each parent prior to our separation recognized the other parent as a loving, caring mother and father; then the chaos that resulted was not the desired outcome for either party. The chaos derived from human and systemic failings.

The enemy for children, parents, and grandparents is prolonged chaos and the failure of support services-legal, quasi-legal and social services to recognize and control the dark impulses of one or both parents.

The separating process handles chaos within the family very badly. It often fails to recognize it for what it is and prefers to carry on with an adversarial process. 

Making it worse, the judicial process and social services seem to prefer a ‘case in, case closed’ approach to determine/assume their record of success. There is an absurd lack of professional curiosity about whether they ‘got it right’.

Prolonged chaos is the enemy to separating families and as such to grandparents and grandchildren.

The chaos factors

The following is a partial list of contributing factors that lead to chaos. Some are individual behaviors and some systemic failings. Individual behaviors may be initially unexpected but can easily be anticipated for they are in human relationships common enough.

A few common behaviors by a separating parent that lead to prolonged chaos:

  1. A belief that they only are the parent that matters to the children.
  2. A fear that they are going to lose (self-doubt) their relationship with their child, therefore they must minimize the other parent’s role. 
  3. Alienation or Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS); behaviors that enlist children to reject the other parent and the child’s other, extended family. 
  4. Depression for one or both parents (see earlier note). 
  5. Behaviors such as stalking, misuse of social media, false allegations of abusive behavior etc. 
  6. Total rejection of any notion of shared parenting.
  7. Ineffective parenting that causes/creates child anxiety- thus it is stated that the child is not up to sleepovers- younger children sleeping with the parent on a nightly basis.
  8. Enlisting therapists who simply run the clock that lead to prolonged absence of a parent and thus grandparents-many have no real goal of two parent involvement.
  9. Using financial means to prolong a temporary order or delay any new order to maintain a current parenting advantage.
  10. Other actions that create conditions for prolonged and destructive chaos.

The Judicial and Social System Contributions to Prolonged Chaos:

A) The judicial process is so flawed that there really is simply too much to explore.   I have written often about my disastrous experience as a novice to Family Law. A judicial process shouldn’t be measured by how it handles the relatively routine cases; it should be measured by how it manages the more difficult cases and whether the outcomes are family friendly in the long-term. 

B) Lawyers are too busy or fail to do what they say they will do. 

C) Poor communication skills. Lawyers fail to discuss your desires in the context of what is right for your children and you in the long run. 

D) Strategy too often runs the clock, no matter the human costs. 

E) See you as their client only. Fail to treat the family holistically.

 F) Employ a strategy that asserts unsubstantiated or false allegations of abuse; or attempts to create doubts about the character of the other parent to gain advantage.

 G) Financial costs of the drawn-out judicial process. This leads to simply waring out a party- surrendering for some parents becomes the only option to survive.  

H) No real effective monitoring of the judicial system in a meaningful way. No effective monitoring of F&CS that often are involved in prolonged, chaos cases. In addition, there is a lack of voluntary transparency by F&CS that makes challenging their decisions and protocols very difficult.

 I) Social services appear to have abdicated  any commitment honoring a two-parent philosophy. As such they often fail to provide ongoing, holistic services. Irritants and change are an inevitable aspect of separated parents’ journey. The two-parent philosophy must be endorsed from the get-go to best ensure it endures through the continuing challenges.

 J) Mediation services are too often under the auspices of the legal profession. They are cumbersome and expensive for they attempt to protect the lawyers’ role.  

 K) Lack of research on outcomes by legal and social services is a constant failing. 

 L) Other- Fill in your experiences!

In my family, most of the above factors played out for almost 900 days. It is impossible to exaggerate the impact of prolonged chaos!

My mother for some reason(s) decided it was her responsibility to ‘fix things’- to save the marriage or even to save us after my ‘news’. She was taken back to her own childhood and life events that she had appeared to conquer and now had been reawakened as dark memories at 75 years of age. My father simply retreated as best he could from the chaos that now engulfed every caring relationship that mattered to him. My mother’s twenty-five-year relationship with my children’s mother left her vulnerable to the never-ending twists and turns on a daily basis.

 My parents own relationship was now at risk. 

My occasional search for parental support and advice often turned into verbal conflict with my mother- leaving me angry, even in despair at the outcome; every visit left me feeling guilty/responsible for my parents’ obvious trauma. I had to accept that emotional support from them was no longer available.

There was no calm in our family, it was unrelenting!

 It was now Thanksgiving, almost 3 years and 900 days later, and I had asked my parents to come to my new place and meet Elaine for the ‘first time’. We were to be married in 2 months. My mother refused. My father decided it was time to meet Elaine and support his son openly. My parents undoubtedly had angry words.

I met my father at Milton’s Mc Donald’s – a half way pickup. He and I sat talking for almost 2 hours about what was/is taking place. He then came to our new home, met Elaine, and had a wonderful get together. I drove my dad back to Milton and his car later in the evening. 

Early the next morning, I received a call that my dad had a major stroke and was in a coma.  My parents’ last words of any significance to each other were undoubtedly angry, either before and/ or after my father’s visit. 

I do know that he ‘essentially’ died after doing what he had always done for me as a father and grandfather- to support and love me and my family.

The gift of a day together

“I am unsure that I could have ever reconciled his loss without the reassurance of our last day together.”

My dad’s coma continued for several days. I made the daily trip to Sunnybrook Hospital. My mother believed that my close relationship with my father could somehow awaken him from his coma, even though we were told by staff that he had suffered irreparable damage. After a number of days in this state, during my stay, he gradually awakened. However, the damage was in fact extensive and it is uncertain that he ever recognized his family as family, instead of just caregivers. Any true communication had ended!

For the next year and a half, I continued an almost daily drive to Toronto to further ‘awaken’ my father. My wedding had gone ahead, and my mother found a reason to not join us. She remained locked into her own post-separation world. I tried to reconcile with her by doing my role and provide companionship to my dad and support to my mother- who was driven to ‘repair’ my dad.

 The impact of their tragic last day together, prior to the stroke had a profound impact. She had no opportunity to reconcile with my dad. She eventually wore herself out and after a year+ died from a stroke within 72 hours.

My occasional conversations with my mother during the post stroke period made clear that she had a view of her son as someone different from who I am. She believed the falsehoods at worse; and at best considered them as possibilities. It is part of the evil of the separating process that falsehoods are often left hanging out- it is the Trumpian world. 

My mother who I had never argued with since the age of 10 until my separation at the age of 46 no longer knew her son. That was/is a difficult outcome to accept. Down the road a few years later, I told my older brother (who was very close to my mother) that he had to keep reminding me about all the good things about her, that I understood before the separation. They were lost to me in the chaos…and even now are difficult to retrieve. 

When my mother passed away, my brother decided that she would prefer the most basic of caskets and not a service. The cardboard box was purchased, and my mother was delivered to the crematorium by a driver in an Eddie Bauer t-shirt. The awaiting party of two sons and 2 daughters-in law alternated between tears and laughter at this too surreal moment. 

My brother suggested that he desired/needed to write an extensive obituary on my mother’s life and accomplishments for the Globe and Mail. I agreed and it was done at considerable cost. 

My dad’s inherent, physical strength had outlived my mother, his partner for almost 60 years. Now we were left only with her ashes. My brother opted out of participating any further. My mother’s ashes became my companion in my car for some time. Finally, I decided that I would dispose of them along the Humber River on the grounds of their condo- where they resided during their happiest years together. 

It was a dreary, misty, early morning as I walked the grounds alone spreading her ashes and at the same trying to conceal my task from the condo owners. Tears freely flowed as I was overwhelmed by grief, loss and the memory of the sad events of the last 4 years. 

It was soon time to return to my dad at Sunnybrook Hospital and take him for a walk in his wheelchair. Communicating the morning’s event drew no awareness from him. 

My father held on physically for another year. His passing occurred thankfully. The box and cremation were repeated, blessedly without the young man in the Eddie Bauer t-shirt. I carried my father’s ashes in my trunk for some time. I would talk to him about his grandchildren and other family happenings.

The odd thing is that I still talk to him and try to be the best of him as a parent and grandparent. It is the legacy that would most matter to him and to his father- my gramps. 

The separation and the prolonged chaos left everyone wounded and worn out. The grandchildren were never given the opportunity to grieve and celebrate their grandparents in a way that they should have been celebrated. A shame and an outcome connected directly to our separation.

Kids n Dad Shared Support was born out of loss and hope. Loss is inevitable following a separation; but it can be minimized by supporting the mission of family renewal, in whatever family form.

 The threads of hope still exist, and they can be woven into new beginnings for every family. 

Grandparents are near the top of the essential relationships that can mitigate chaos and create calm for children and children’s children!

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section. For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

father lifts baby outdoors under blue sky

Father’s day 2017: “I can’t beat it!”

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Fathers, Holidays

Overcoming a tragedy of overwhelming loss is the theme of the 2016 Academy award nominated film Manchester by the Sea. It is a compelling story of a father and husband who lost everything a few years earlier and is paralyzed by grief that has become his unwanted companion every step of his daily life. The untimely death of his older brother provides an unexpected opportunity to move beyond his sorrow and find purpose in life again.

The film starkly reminds us that there are tragedies that are so overwhelming that recovery is forever elusive and life remains at best a dark shade of gray.

The father in a few simple words recognizes his now lost opportunity when he quietly states. “I can’t beat it.”

In the book 12 Years A Slave by Solomon Northrup published in 1853 the author touches the heart of every parent with his description of slavery’s hideous impact in the following excerpt:

 “Grief had gnawed remorselessly at her heart (mother-Liza), until her strength was gone; and for that, her last master (slave owner), it is said, lashed and abused her most unmercifully. But he could not whip back the departed vigor of her youth, nor straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when her children were around her, and the light of freedom was shining on her path.”

 Liza’s children were torn from her arms and sold separately to other slave owners. Liza understood the words ‘I can’t beat it!’

The film is a stark reminder of the loss experienced by too many separated fathers who must deal with such a parenting risk as Liza. It is now 20 years since the Parliament of Canada had the opportunity to establish a core principle in law that a mother and father are co-parenting partners; that maternal and paternal grandparents are equal partners in the lives of their grandchildren. 

Slavery is one of the most disturbing evils of humankind. Its cruelty and disregard for family is played out even in the ‘civilized’ process known as Family Court …every day with seeming impunity.

A Wisconsin separated mother who fought against her state’s presumption of shared parenting now admits her folly. “My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.” 

Integral – the completion of the whole – is the gift of the presumption of shared parenting.

An article in the Record this past year by Gordan Paul,  describes the 5 year, systemic journey of parents with the Family and Children’s Services. While the story lacks the family history, it outlines that the loss of their child appears to be based on an acknowledged erroneous drug test that triggered F&CS apprehension of their child. This family had now become unintended/intended (?) casualties of a failing system. 

 Justice Grant Campbell describes his findings in blunt terms to the parents of this 5 year old case: ‘‘although it will offer you little comfort, I apologize to you for the manner in which you have been treated, ignored, demeaned and disbelieved’.

 Justice Campbell is to be thanked for shining the light on this case, but where were the judges 5 years ago, 4 years ago, 3 years ago, etc.? It was in those years that the parents were ‘whipped unmercifully ’and robbed of their ‘departed vigor’.

 An interview of an Australian Family Law justice identifies an important failing in the Family Justice System and Child Welfare System.  Judges and child welfare don’t appear to be interested in knowing whether their intended outcome for cases before them turned out well or otherwise. They simply continue to believe what they believe. A case is closed and the intended outcome may or may not be achieved.

 Justice Campbell states explicitly that the patchwork child welfare system is ‘broken’. He also states that the future is only going to get worse in Waterloo Region and across the province. These are his observations, not this ‘biased’ observer.

Many separated parents/grandparents remember those weeks, months, and years where they were unable to ‘straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when the children were around them’. Fond memories provide only momentary relief as they soon turn to tears of loss- wonderful moments can become the enemy.

Justice Campbell has provided an opportunity for those in Child Welfare and the Family Justice System to change a process that he and others have described as ‘unworkable ‘and ‘abusive’. The shame is that there has been no professional, public response to this case.

The following is a second excerpt from Twelve Years a Slave. 

 “The influence of the iniquitous system necessarily fosters an uncaring and unfeeling spirit, even in the bosoms of those who, among their equals, are regarded as humane and generous.”

“I can’t beat it!” – These are the words of parents worn out by a system that runs the clock until exhaustion and survival is all that is left.

 Providing support too late in the separating  process for vulnerable and wounded children, mothers, fathers and grandparents leaves too many ‘Lizas’ broken for the remainder of their life journey.

Silence sustains and protects the ‘system’. Defensiveness and denial maintain the unacceptable status quo. Transparency could provide sunlight and thus the opportunity to find creative solutions!

Father’s Day provides a timely excuse to examine whether fathers and paternal grandparents are recognized as an integral part of their child’s life, every day contributing to the completing of the whole child.

If the iniquitous system continues then the hand in hand connection of child to father to grandfather may be broken forever. I am reminded every day of that possibility when I am with my grandchildren. I understand Liza’s agony and the words, ‘I can’t beat it!’

Father’s Day is also grandfather’s day and a celebration of love forever, through whatever.

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

This is my son’s first Father’s Day and my first as a grandfather to Timothy. It is a fulfilling experience to see my son’s life filled with the love, joy, meaning and even trepidation on becoming dad. Welcome to our world son…forever!

Oh, For the Gift Again of a Little Summer Adventure on Father’s/Grandfather’s Day!

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

It was Monday morning and I had decided to go to our office early. At mid-morning I spoke by phone to my daughter who informed me that she was going to take her youngest children to her mother’s cottage. She wondered if I wanted to see the two boys, then 18 months and nearly three, before they departed.

The oldest child upon my arrival moved quickly to get his sandals in anticipation of an adventure. The youngest was quietly observing his brother; soon his tears demanded that he be included in the outing. He did not need to worry!

Our little adventure was to return to what I have designated as our Park; a place for this writer of so many fond memories as a father and grandfather. Today my adult kids are more likely to fire off a gentle, verbal dig by reminding their dad of their childhood pleas: “We are too old for the swings and those animals have had better days”.

 The words ‘better days’ hurt the most as I reflected that like the park’s black bear of olden days, I too have seen better days.

As I set out, I realized that I am a fortunate grandpa to have a new, eager, ‘more grateful generation’ of children to mould to the joys of our family Park. So off we went with the oldest grandson identifying every farm and construction vehicle ever built by John Deere and Caterpillar. His little brother squealed and hummed to a selection of Itsy, Bitsy Spider.

We soon arrived at our destination and the ducks surrounded our car, impatiently awaiting grandpa’s liberation of their young friends from the shackles of car seats.

It was a beautiful morning, perfect temperature, and our Park was alive, as a gentle breeze spread the joyful and boisterous sounds of children, parents and grandparents creating new memories.

My oldest grandchild scurried down the winding path toward the peacocks and their rooster friends. He found them sunning themselves and preparing to entertain their little admirers. But for us this is a momentary stop along the way to our primary target, feeding the deer and the llama. What the heck is the plural for llama anyway? My oldest grandson knew the routine well. He tore at the longer strands of grass and carefully positioned each so the llama (?) that he calls camels would be satisfied.

The feeding exercise is always a little unnerving, even for an experienced grandpa. My daughter- for an unintended outcome- could revoke my day pass with the little ones i.e., animal teeth marks on my grandson’s feeding hand would likely lead to a cancellation of future outings.

 Mothers can be terribly protective!

These outings have a certain rhythm. Our yellow brick path always includes visiting our different friends- the miniature horses, goats and of course the fishpond. The return of the piglets this day provided an additional, scented delight as our path soon turned in front of the well-stocked, mini pond and waterfall.

Soon it was time to retrace our steps with warm farewells to each of our animal friends. I was in particularly good spirits because we had escaped a reprimand from the young park staff for feeding the llama/camels. In the past if the staff catches us, I always point at my young companion with the grass/feed in his hand as the culprit. They are rarely persuaded though and are intent on holding the gray-haired kid responsible. I suspect they figured out that I am the only kid old enough to read the posted signs.

                              DON’T FEED THE LLAMA

                           sometimes known as CAMELS.

To celebrate a joyful outing, I decided that ice cream was a necessary reward. We soon became three spoons competing selfishly for more than our share of a giant mound of vanilla ice cream. Finding the target for each spoonful seemed less important to the combatants than securing the biggest payload. Soon the giant mound was reduced to a few melted drops to be licked from the container. I leave the rest to your imagination.

It was time for the short trip home. As I secured the little ones into their seats, I remembered being so grateful for such a joyful experience, a gift that was not a certainty in our family’s life.

I was reminded of that truth as I initiated our departure toward our Park’s ring road. Passing in front of me were two, old friends. They are wonderful and loving parents and grandparents; yet they were pushed aside- made invisible grandparents by the family, separating process in this country.

The riches of my day embarrassed me at that moment.

As we approached the children’s home, I remembered wavering on whether to reveal that illegal, pre-lunch, celebratory ice cream thing to my daughter.  I realized that secrecy was unavailable when I spotted grandpa’s post ice cream cleanup had failed miserably.

The children ran to their mom’s open arms with wide smiles and evidence on their jerseys of their outing with grandpa. I knew from my daughter’s half smile that she was recalling her childhood outings many years earlier to our same family Park …and that vanilla ice cream was occasionally… well o.k. always dad’s way to conclude a wonderful adventure.

Father’s Day is about celebrating a dad’s love for their child and their child’s child which endures forever in every family form. That love should be cherished and valued every day. That is the only gift desired by the dads who have been inspirational in my life.

Have a joyful Father’s Day!

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays. For grandparent specific resources, see all blog posts with the grandparents tag.

Open Letter: Personal Recovery

On By BarryIn Fathers, Mothers, Open Letter

Recovery

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental? The questions about personal recovery are never-ending, but important.

A Personal Story

I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and how we would tell our parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

I offer this anecdote because it is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out . . . eventually. Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In this site’s resources there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief—similar to the death of a loved one—may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section.

Resilience

Your resilience is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resilience will serve you well. Included in the readings are research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Going Forward

Included among our resources are book recommendations and personal stories that our 600+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal. Please take time to consider the resources on mental health and depression, as these things can have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace. Many of the resources available on this site are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting or relationship problems you have never before encountered. Support groups or educational seminars may provide similar understanding and a sense of comradery with fellow travelers on this journey of separation.

Books and resources can provide an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of your family’s life. I considered those books I encountered in my own journey to be lifesaving, for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium. I found comfort in learning that those things that were happening in my life had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

Looking for more stories from separated families? Check out the Fathers and Mothers sections of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.

On Being a Dad and Grandpa: Father’s Day 2016

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays
Barry and family

Becoming a dad is transformational. It changes everything. It gives a purpose, a new priority to life that had been previously absent.  Fathers recall the moment when they became dad and the love and commitment made at that time to their child. Becoming a ‘separating’ dad also seemed to change everything in unexpected ways and threatened and risked every parenting relationship.

Recently a distraught father spoke to me about the emotional birth of his child. His eyes misted over as he talked about the infant’s serious health concerns and the oath/promise he made that first night to be at the child’s side, forever. He has kept his promise! He fears that like many separating dads he will be unable to navigate through the marital breakdown and keep his solemn commitment.  He doesn’t understand a process that seems determined to reduce his parental role and tear away at the best of who he is.

A father from our community wrote the following words that capture what many separating dads “grudgingly accept” in order to restore calm to their children’s lives.

His words: “…it’s the days you wake up with the kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with dad. I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” (a separated dad)

I became a father in my own unique way through the courageous decision of a young woman to place her child up for adoption. I vividly recall the social worker placing him in my arms. Ten minutes later, she returned to ask if my wife and I wanted to keep him. I still laugh at the question—she didn’t seem to understand that he became my son, through whatever, the moment she placed him in my arms.

I remember that the adoption process was a time of anxiety, scrutiny and fear. Would we make the list of approved parents? Power rested in the perspective of the social worker and her mandate to ensure the best interests of that child. It was a difficult process, but one that you necessarily endured. Pushing back against the intrusiveness and judgment was not a viable option. My son and later my daughter had not yet been placed in my arms.

Curiously, the birth of my youngest daughter had no such intrusiveness or scrutiny as she was placed in my arms by a caring nurse in the birthing room.

I have come to associate Braham’s Lullaby with this special time in my life – a bit of tranquility while becoming a father

The next years, no one questioned whether I was a full parenting partner or quite frankly whether I was the best of parents or the worst of parents or somewhere in between. I was dad!

The common bond of separated fathers commences the moment that the intimate relationship breaks down. It brings with it in some ways the scrutiny of the social worker EXCEPT that the children are your children NOT the children of social workers or lawyers, judges or the Canadian Bar Association. A separation with lawyers too often is a process built for finding differences, not for ensuring that children have both parents and grandparents in their daily lives. A separation with children is a long crooked path that requires ongoing support to meet the challenges of change. An initial, adversarial process is the wrong path to long-term cooperation.

My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.

Jennifer Fink: A Wisconsin mother of four boys

This insight comes from a Wisconsin mother who originally fought a determined battle in Court in an attempt to minimize any participation by the dad in her boys’ lives. The Wisconsin family court justice ‘insisted’ that Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting applied. The boys would have their father as an ‘integral’ part of their lives forever.

 Think about Ms. Fink’s wonderful adjective ‘integral’ to describe the parenting relationship for each parent now. A definition for ‘integral’: necessary to the completeness of the whole. Imagine a community where ‘the completeness of the whole’ (our child) is the foundation for supporting separating/separated families in our community.

 Canada’s Parliament rejected (2015) the Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting strategy intended to accomplish the ‘completeness of the whole’.

Shortly before starting our little agency (2005) I met a teenage boy age 14. His parents had separated several years earlier. The son had written a note to his parents for Mother’s Day/Father’s Day acknowledging and thanking them for ensuring that he had both of them in his life and as such an ‘almost normal upbringing’. In doing so he realized that through their cooperation he was able to learn who he was- an impossibility if either parent had faded away or vanished from his life. He recognized the gifts of character that were part of him-his mother’s sense of humour and joyfulness, his father’s gentleness and generosity.

These parents remembered the oath they made together to their son some 14 years earlier. They knew that both of them and their extended families were necessary to the completeness of their son. It remains an ongoing journey …for a lifetime.

Acknowledging and supporting each parent’s contribution to the child’s ‘completeness’ provides the opportunity for a family to build ‘integral’ parenting relationships that endure forever. It is my belief that our community has an obligation to develop strategies that best ensure the completeness of the whole. I have yet to hear any leader-legal, counselling, social worker or funder in our community give a public voice to such a mission. Silence is a strategy that effectively maintains a broken and destructive system.

A year ago at sunset I was on beach on the Gulf of Mexico with my 3 year old granddaughter. We were accompanied by probably 300 mothers, fathers and grandparents all quietly standing in awe of this shared, family experience. As the sun set everyone broke into applause as one. My father and gramps were with me in spirit, hand in hand, with the little one. They were an integral part of the completeness of my whole and thus of my children and grandchildren.

 It was a spiritual connection of three generations at that moment and a connection that must be cherished and nurtured by all.

My heart goes out to those of you facing the pain of interrupted parenting or worse. I faced such with each of my children at different times in the early years of the separation. That I am an integral part of each of their lives (and now six grandchildren) was more than uncertain at one time. You must find the supports to survive the despair and to find your way to a calmer place. I always believed (hoped) that the relationship that I had with each child during the intact years would sustain our relationship through the dark times…and in the end it did.

A child changes each man’s identity forever. In the past decade I have been so fortunate to have met so many courageous, creative, unique, gentle, compassionate, caring, generous, resilient and involved fathers, mothers, stepmothers and grandparents. I am a better person for knowing you. More importantly your gifts of character to your children – already given-are part of your child’s growth on their journey to ‘completeness of the whole’-with more still to come. Each of us must be prepared for new opportunities. They can occur at the most unpredictable of times.

Kyle Lowry perhaps captured best the gift of fatherhood in a Toronto Sun interview:

But …fatherhood that changed everything. He’s done more for me than I’ve done for him… He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball…

Please take care.

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section. For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

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The Family Conference

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children, Fathers, Mothers

The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.

There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference

  • Remember the no-fault approach
  • Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
  • Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
  • Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
  • The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics

  • If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
  • If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
  • Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
  • Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
  • Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
  • At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
  • The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
  • If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
  • Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
  • Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
  • Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
  • Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.

For more Parenting Plan posts, see the Parenting Plan tag. 

A father’s love is forever, through whatever

On By BarryIn Alienation, Fathers, Holidays

This article originally appeared in The Waterloo Region Record on July 2, 2015.

The Record’s Father’s Day weekend edition — specifically the June 20 story “More men go for parenting advice” — was disappointing and troubling for the implications about the importance of the role of fathers in the life of their family.

Taking a parenting course is admirable and enriching, but dads everywhere — even those who don’t take such a course — are doing the parenting role every day in different ways.

Sometimes it is done by driving a truck five days a week, beginning at 6 a.m., to provide for the family; it is done by coaching every sport imaginable; it is done by reading to or with their children after a long work day; it is done by warm hugs and encouraging words, and it is done through love and support in countless ways.

The Record’s almost non-existent approach to Father’s Day reminds me of Amos’ lament and resignation in the song “Mister Cellophane,” from the musical “Chicago”: “Cause you can look right through me. Walk right by me, and never know I was there.”

The research on the importance of fathers is vital for the doubters about a father’s role in positive outcomes for children. The doubters are not, however, dads. We knew our importance from the moment our child was placed in our arms: namely, to love our daughters and sons forever, through whatever.

There are no conditions on that love and support, and no course required.

The same research cited in the Record article reveals what every father knows: Becoming a father, being a dad, was and is the transformational event in their lives

In an interview with the Toronto Sun this past winter, Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry captured eloquently this common truth about fatherhood:

” ‘But … fatherhood, that changed everything. He’s (his three-year-old son Carter) done more for me than I’ve done for him. He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball …’ “

The headline on The Record’s article on parenting advice gives the sense that being a dad is provisional, something that can be minimized by whether one stepped up and took a course. Fathering is under attack in subtle, and not so subtle ways.

I am reminded of a 2012 Record story about a Kitchener father who was arrested at his child’s elementary school, moved to a holding cell and strip-searched. His children and wife were separately interrogated by Family and Children’s Services.

The reason for all this? His four-year-old daughter drew a picture in class of her father and her shooting imaginary dragons with a toy gun.

Every professional involved preferred (or chose) the negative image of Sansone. No apology was forthcoming because all the protocols were followed. Sansone, in an interview later, posed an interesting question that professionals were unable or unwilling to answer: “How do you tell a criminal from a father?”

At 71, I know I am an imperfect father and grandfather. I also understand the most significant and enduring gift that I received from my father, and he from his father, was at the end of the day a simple one, namely that a father’s love is forever, through whatever.

It is worth celebrating. It is worth strengthening. The magic is that it endures forever — from child to dad to grandpa.

As Kyle Lowry said, “But … fatherhood, that changed everything.”

Fortunately, families everywhere celebrate that reality one family at a time.

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

No-Fault Divorce and Family Renewal

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Fathers, Mothers

Even at the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover calm out of the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent. Renewal is about optimism about what is achievable. Together, these concepts can help you to navigate the challenging conversations ahead—with each other, with the children, with friends and family—by uniting your efforts in a common vision. The alternative is simply to act in survival and to live life in and out of chaos for years or even a lifetime.

The No-Fault Approach

The reason for a separation for most parties is normally irrelevant to the legal process. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the reason for their failed intimate relationship. Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation. This doesn’t mean they were the cause—only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

The legal concept of no-fault divorce is an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. Unfortunately the good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is, however, a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach that has recent favour. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law.

The question for every professional from you:

“Do you (professional) have the tools to help our family make it through the chaos and anger so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families forever?”

Family Renewal

Renewal is possible if each parent truly takes ownership of their most important focus as separating parents—namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm that statement then they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

See the Safety and Legal page for more on navigating the complexity of divorce.

Decency in divorce – reflections from a separated dad

On By BarryIn After Separation, Fathers

The following guest post was submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dad in response to a newsletter by one of our dads. It has been condensed and reproduced with permission of the author.

My marriage fell apart not from infidelity, abuse or any other catastrophic event. It was a marriage that failed bit by bit over time as two people simply grew further and further apart, day after day, year after year, evolving and maturing at different rates into a couple that eventually didn’t recognize each other. In 2004 it ended. Friends and family tell me I am decent, that I am a super Dad, my kids do love me, I have a new relationship, and I am still standing after all that has passed. On a bright day I consider myself a survivor.

Decency is to me that innate ability to do the right thing. To overcome those visceral emotional feelings that we all share and still manage to act in a way that is just, fair and equitable. The process of separation is long. It’s not pleasant. Spite lives in its dark recesses and often those involved will hide behind the long tattered robes of lady justice to defend their own actions.

I am one of the fortunate ones who does have an end in sight. My spousal stops in five years. I did manage to keep my kids for alternate weekends — Thursday evenings through till school Mondays — and alternate Thursday overnights. That one extra overnight has made all the difference in the world; it’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with Dad. I love them, my kids love them.

I have heard the same “life is not fair”, “you have to move on”, “learn to survive this”, “no it’s not fair but that’s just the way it is” etc. I have read the virtues of living in the now, I have searched for my Buddha within and been to hours of counseling. I now look in the mirror and I see an older man. Almost beaten. Tired, but I know my “battle” is over. I have a new vocabulary shared with other men who have been through the same ordeal.

Here are my lessons/things to do differently:

  • Don’t sign anything, especially if it seems to leave a legal “backdoor” open.
  • If it feels risky to you – it probably is.
  • The more you can learn of the Family Law act the better. It’s an easy read and can be purchased. My Lawyer gave me one of the office 2007 copies when she received her 2008s. What I learned from it helped us work together and saved me the “stupid question” invoices.
  • There are no stupid questions.
  • A verbal “promise” isn’t worth the air it’s written on.
  • Lawyers lie. Good ones won’t lie to you.
  • Good Lawyers are very hard to find.
  • Leaving household items behind is dumb. Replacing 1/2 of your possessions is a lot easier than replacing all of them. Consider that you’ll be doing it all with about 15% or 20% of your gross income.
  • Don’t spend on stupid things, retail therapy is only good for credit companies and shopkeepers. Keep every penny you can, you’ll need it.
  • The dollar store is a fantastic and magical place!
  • Don’t care about what your ex does with transfer payments, it’s no longer your money.
  • Kids have enough to deal with, you are there to support them, not the other way around.
  • Always include a statement in your settlement that reads to the effect “regardless of catastrophic changes in circumstance support may not be renegotiated”. There is a book with a set of usable paragraphs (about five of them) that basically state three and four different ways that you have both read and understand that this document is final. Final is final when it is undeniably defined clearly as final.
  • Focus on fairness, respond with calm, never respond when angry.

Finally, remember — that as long as your children are alive — you are in a relationship with your ex. Doing your best to maintain decency during the divorce (if only from your side of the camp) will pave a much smoother road ahead as you navigate co-parenting.

I know a handful of ex-couples who now get along fine. We should all try and be adults.

To be repetitive, I heard a phrase once, “All those things that you thought would never happen, well they’ve happened… It’s what you do now that counts.”

Looking for more stories from separated families? Check out the Fathers and Mothers sections of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.