Category: Fathers

Oh, For the Gift Again of a Little Summer Adventure on Father’s/Grandfather’s Day!

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

It was Monday morning and I had decided to go to our office early. At mid-morning I spoke by phone to my daughter who informed me that she was going to take her youngest children to her mother’s cottage. She wondered if I wanted to see the two boys, then 18 months and nearly three, before they departed.

The oldest child upon my arrival moved quickly to get his sandals in anticipation of an adventure. The youngest was quietly observing his brother; soon his tears demanded that he be included in the outing. He did not need to worry!

Our little adventure was to return to what I have designated as our Park; a place for this writer of so many fond memories as a father and grandfather. Today my adult kids are more likely to fire off a gentle, verbal dig by reminding their dad of their childhood pleas: “We are too old for the swings and those animals have had better days”.

 The words ‘better days’ hurt the most as I reflected that like the park’s black bear of olden days, I too have seen better days.

As I set out, I realized that I am a fortunate grandpa to have a new, eager, ‘more grateful generation’ of children to mould to the joys of our family Park. So off we went with the oldest grandson identifying every farm and construction vehicle ever built by John Deere and Caterpillar. His little brother squealed and hummed to a selection of Itsy, Bitsy Spider.

We soon arrived at our destination and the ducks surrounded our car, impatiently awaiting grandpa’s liberation of their young friends from the shackles of car seats.

It was a beautiful morning, perfect temperature, and our Park was alive, as a gentle breeze spread the joyful and boisterous sounds of children, parents and grandparents creating new memories.

My oldest grandchild scurried down the winding path toward the peacocks and their rooster friends. He found them sunning themselves and preparing to entertain their little admirers. But for us this is a momentary stop along the way to our primary target, feeding the deer and the llama. What the heck is the plural for llama anyway? My oldest grandson knew the routine well. He tore at the longer strands of grass and carefully positioned each so the llama (?) that he calls camels would be satisfied.

The feeding exercise is always a little unnerving, even for an experienced grandpa. My daughter- for an unintended outcome- could revoke my day pass with the little ones i.e., animal teeth marks on my grandson’s feeding hand would likely lead to a cancellation of future outings.

 Mothers can be terribly protective!

These outings have a certain rhythm. Our yellow brick path always includes visiting our different friends- the miniature horses, goats and of course the fishpond. The return of the piglets this day provided an additional, scented delight as our path soon turned in front of the well-stocked, mini pond and waterfall.

Soon it was time to retrace our steps with warm farewells to each of our animal friends. I was in particularly good spirits because we had escaped a reprimand from the young park staff for feeding the llama/camels. In the past if the staff catches us, I always point at my young companion with the grass/feed in his hand as the culprit. They are rarely persuaded though and are intent on holding the gray-haired kid responsible. I suspect they figured out that I am the only kid old enough to read the posted signs.

                              DON’T FEED THE LLAMA

                           sometimes known as CAMELS.

To celebrate a joyful outing, I decided that ice cream was a necessary reward. We soon became three spoons competing selfishly for more than our share of a giant mound of vanilla ice cream. Finding the target for each spoonful seemed less important to the combatants than securing the biggest payload. Soon the giant mound was reduced to a few melted drops to be licked from the container. I leave the rest to your imagination.

It was time for the short trip home. As I secured the little ones into their seats, I remembered being so grateful for such a joyful experience, a gift that was not a certainty in our family’s life.

I was reminded of that truth as I initiated our departure toward our Park’s ring road. Passing in front of me were two, old friends. They are wonderful and loving parents and grandparents; yet they were pushed aside- made invisible grandparents by the family, separating process in this country.

The riches of my day embarrassed me at that moment.

As we approached the children’s home, I remembered wavering on whether to reveal that illegal, pre-lunch, celebratory ice cream thing to my daughter.  I realized that secrecy was unavailable when I spotted grandpa’s post ice cream cleanup had failed miserably.

The children ran to their mom’s open arms with wide smiles and evidence on their jerseys of their outing with grandpa. I knew from my daughter’s half smile that she was recalling her childhood outings many years earlier to our same family Park …and that vanilla ice cream was occasionally… well o.k. always dad’s way to conclude a wonderful adventure.

Father’s Day is about celebrating a dad’s love for their child and their child’s child which endures forever in every family form. That love should be cherished and valued every day. That is the only gift desired by the dads who have been inspirational in my life.

Have a joyful Father’s Day!

Open Letter: Personal Recovery

On By BarryIn Fathers, Mothers, Open Letter

Recovery

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental? The questions about personal recovery are never-ending, but important.

A Personal Story

I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and how we would tell our parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

I offer this anecdote because it is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out . . . eventually. Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In this site’s resources there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief—similar to the death of a loved one—may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

Resilience

Your resilience is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resilience will serve you well. Included in the readings are research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Going Forward

Included among our resources are book recommendations and personal stories that our 600+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal. Please take time to consider the resources on mental health and depression, as these things can have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace. Many of the resources available on this site are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting or relationship problems you have never before encountered. Support groups or educational seminars may provide similar understanding and a sense of comradery with fellow travelers on this journey of separation.

Books and resources can provide an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of your family’s life. I considered those books I encountered in my own journey to be lifesaving, for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium. I found comfort in learning that those things that were happening in my life had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

On Being a Dad and Grandpa: Father’s Day 2016

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays
Barry and family

Becoming a dad is transformational. It changes everything. It gives a purpose, a new priority to life that had been previously absent.  Fathers recall the moment when they became dad and the love and commitment made at that time to their child. Becoming a ‘separating’ dad also seemed to change everything in unexpected ways and threatened and risked every parenting relationship.

Recently a distraught father spoke to me about the emotional birth of his child. His eyes misted over as he talked about the infant’s serious health concerns and the oath/promise he made that first night to be at the child’s side, forever. He has kept his promise! He fears that like many separating dads he will be unable to navigate through the marital breakdown and keep his solemn commitment.  He doesn’t understand a process that seems determined to reduce his parental role and tear away at the best of who he is.

A father from our community wrote the following words that capture what many separating dads “grudgingly accept” in order to restore calm to their children’s lives.

His words: “…it’s the days you wake up with the kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with dad. I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” (a separated dad)

I became a father in my own unique way through the courageous decision of a young woman to place her child up for adoption. I vividly recall the social worker placing him in my arms. Ten minutes later, she returned to ask if my wife and I wanted to keep him. I still laugh at the question—she didn’t seem to understand that he became my son, through whatever, the moment she placed him in my arms.

I remember that the adoption process was a time of anxiety, scrutiny and fear. Would we make the list of approved parents? Power rested in the perspective of the social worker and her mandate to ensure the best interests of that child. It was a difficult process, but one that you necessarily endured. Pushing back against the intrusiveness and judgment was not a viable option. My son and later my daughter had not yet been placed in my arms.

Curiously, the birth of my youngest daughter had no such intrusiveness or scrutiny as she was placed in my arms by a caring nurse in the birthing room.

The next years, no one questioned whether I was a full parenting partner or quite frankly whether I was the best of parents or the worst of parents or somewhere in between. I was dad!

The common bond of separated fathers commences the moment that the intimate relationship breaks down. It brings with it in some ways the scrutiny of the social worker EXCEPT that the children are your children NOT the children of social workers or lawyers, judges or the Canadian Bar Association. A separation with lawyers too often is a process built for finding differences, not for ensuring that children have both parents and grandparents in their daily lives. A separation with children is a long crooked path that requires ongoing support to meet the challenges of change. An initial, adversarial process is the wrong path to long-term cooperation.

My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.

Jennifer Fink: A Wisconsin mother of four boys

This insight comes from a Wisconsin mother who originally fought a determined battle in Court in an attempt to minimize any participation by the dad in her boys’ lives. The Wisconsin family court justice ‘insisted’ that Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting applied. The boys would have their father as an ‘integral’ part of their lives forever.

 Think about Ms. Fink’s wonderful adjective ‘integral’ to describe the parenting relationship for each parent now. A definition for ‘integral’: necessary to the completeness of the whole. Imagine a community where ‘the completeness of the whole’ (our child) is the foundation for supporting separating/separated families in our community.

 Canada’s Parliament rejected (2015) the Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting strategy intended to accomplish the ‘completeness of the whole’.

Shortly before starting our little agency (2005) I met a teenage boy age 14. His parents had separated several years earlier. The son had written a note to his parents for Mother’s Day/Father’s Day acknowledging and thanking them for ensuring that he had both of them in his life and as such an ‘almost normal upbringing’. In doing so he realized that through their cooperation he was able to learn who he was- an impossibility if either parent had faded away or vanished from his life. He recognized the gifts of character that were part of him-his mother’s sense of humour and joyfulness, his father’s gentleness and generosity.

These parents remembered the oath they made together to their son some 14 years earlier. They knew that both of them and their extended families were necessary to the completeness of their son. It remains an ongoing journey …for a lifetime.

Acknowledging and supporting each parent’s contribution to the child’s ‘completeness’ provides the opportunity for a family to build ‘integral’ parenting relationships that endure forever. It is my belief that our community has an obligation to develop strategies that best ensure the completeness of the whole. I have yet to hear any leader-legal, counselling, social worker or funder in our community give a public voice to such a mission. Silence is a strategy that effectively maintains a broken and destructive system.

A year ago at sunset I was on beach on the Gulf of Mexico with my 3 year old granddaughter. We were accompanied by probably 300 mothers, fathers and grandparents all quietly standing in awe of this shared, family experience. As the sun set everyone broke into applause as one. My father and gramps were with me in spirit, hand in hand, with the little one. They were an integral part of the completeness of my whole and thus of my children and grandchildren.

 It was a spiritual connection of three generations at that moment and a connection that must be cherished and nurtured by all.

My heart goes out to those of you facing the pain of interrupted parenting or worse. I faced such with each of my children at different times in the early years of the separation. That I am an integral part of each of their lives (and now six grandchildren) was more than uncertain at one time. You must find the supports to survive the despair and to find your way to a calmer place. I always believed (hoped) that the relationship that I had with each child during the intact years would sustain our relationship through the dark times…and in the end it did.

A child changes each man’s identity forever. In the past decade I have been so fortunate to have met so many courageous, creative, unique, gentle, compassionate, caring, generous, resilient and involved fathers, mothers, stepmothers and grandparents. I am a better person for knowing you. More importantly your gifts of character to your children – already given-are part of your child’s growth on their journey to ‘completeness of the whole’-with more still to come. Each of us must be prepared for new opportunities. They can occur at the most unpredictable of times.

Kyle Lowry perhaps captured best the gift of fatherhood in a Toronto Sun interview:

But …fatherhood that changed everything. He’s done more for me than I’ve done for him… He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball…

Please take care.

Featured

The Family Conference

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children, Fathers, Mothers

The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.

There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference

  • Remember the no-fault approach
  • Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
  • Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
  • Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
  • The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics

  • If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
  • If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
  • Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
  • Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
  • Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
  • At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
  • The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
  • If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
  • Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
  • Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
  • Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
  • Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.

A father’s love is forever, through whatever

On By BarryIn Alienation, Fathers, Holidays

This article originally appeared in The Waterloo Region Record on July 2, 2015.

The Record’s Father’s Day weekend edition — specifically the June 20 story “More men go for parenting advice” — was disappointing and troubling for the implications about the importance of the role of fathers in the life of their family.

Taking a parenting course is admirable and enriching, but dads everywhere — even those who don’t take such a course — are doing the parenting role every day in different ways.

Sometimes it is done by driving a truck five days a week, beginning at 6 a.m., to provide for the family; it is done by coaching every sport imaginable; it is done by reading to or with their children after a long work day; it is done by warm hugs and encouraging words, and it is done through love and support in countless ways.

The Record’s almost non-existent approach to Father’s Day reminds me of Amos’ lament and resignation in the song “Mister Cellophane,” from the musical “Chicago”: “Cause you can look right through me. Walk right by me, and never know I was there.”

The research on the importance of fathers is vital for the doubters about a father’s role in positive outcomes for children. The doubters are not, however, dads. We knew our importance from the moment our child was placed in our arms: namely, to love our daughters and sons forever, through whatever.

There are no conditions on that love and support, and no course required.

The same research cited in the Record article reveals what every father knows: Becoming a father, being a dad, was and is the transformational event in their lives

In an interview with the Toronto Sun this past winter, Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry captured eloquently this common truth about fatherhood:

” ‘But … fatherhood, that changed everything. He’s (his three-year-old son Carter) done more for me than I’ve done for him. He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball …’ “

The headline on The Record’s article on parenting advice gives the sense that being a dad is provisional, something that can be minimized by whether one stepped up and took a course. Fathering is under attack in subtle, and not so subtle ways.

I am reminded of a 2012 Record story about a Kitchener father who was arrested at his child’s elementary school, moved to a holding cell and strip-searched. His children and wife were separately interrogated by Family and Children’s Services.

The reason for all this? His four-year-old daughter drew a picture in class of her father and her shooting imaginary dragons with a toy gun.

Every professional involved preferred (or chose) the negative image of Sansone. No apology was forthcoming because all the protocols were followed. Sansone, in an interview later, posed an interesting question that professionals were unable or unwilling to answer: “How do you tell a criminal from a father?”

At 71, I know I am an imperfect father and grandfather. I also understand the most significant and enduring gift that I received from my father, and he from his father, was at the end of the day a simple one, namely that a father’s love is forever, through whatever.

It is worth celebrating. It is worth strengthening. The magic is that it endures forever — from child to dad to grandpa.

As Kyle Lowry said, “But … fatherhood, that changed everything.”

Fortunately, families everywhere celebrate that reality one family at a time.

No-Fault Divorce and Family Renewal

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Fathers, Mothers

Even at the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover calm out of the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent. Renewal is about optimism about what is achievable. Together, these concepts can help you to navigate the challenging conversations ahead—with each other, with the children, with friends and family—by uniting your efforts in a common vision. The alternative is simply to act in survival and to live life in and out of chaos for years or even a lifetime.

The No-Fault Approach

The reason for a separation for most parties is normally irrelevant to the legal process. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the reason for their failed intimate relationship. Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation. This doesn’t mean they were the cause—only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

The legal concept of no-fault divorce is an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. Unfortunately the good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is, however, a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach that has recent favour. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law.

The question for every professional from you:

“Do you (professional) have the tools to help our family make it through the chaos and anger so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families forever?”

Family Renewal

Renewal is possible if each parent truly takes ownership of their most important focus as separating parents—namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm that statement then they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

Managing the short-term in order to effectively parent and grandparent in the long-term

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Mothers, Parents

At some point in time during the separation years, I felt estranged from each of my three children. It was unbearable.

It is not necessarily a forever outcome!

Our experience is that almost every separated parent suffering through an estranged parenting relationship will have an opportunity to ‘repair’ that relationship. It is our task as a parent to be prepared to seize that opportunity.

Parenting a young or not so young adult child offers wonderful, even ecstatic times, in part because of the difficulty of the journey.

Below are some general conversations of possible parenting opportunities that could help enrich the lives of your adult children and their immediate families. The picture on the face of the FRRP web site pointedly captures what is at stake.

Families do come in all shapes, in every form, and are sustained and strengthened by the enduring love of each parent to their child and their child’s child.

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

 Situations

Talking about the cause of your separation to your adolescent or adult child is for many of us an unwanted conversation.

Based on the early months, even years of separation, the conversation may seem frankly too dangerous.  Silence or the status quo may seem ‘kind of comfortable’.  The question that remains for every parent of a separated family is whether they must abandon being a parent and just become an adult friend.

 My experience suggests that parenting to your adult child is very different and requires a complimentary set of communication skills and self-awareness. But I would assert that it is part of what you committed to when you became mom or dad. I would also suggest that you have a continuing debt to your child for what happened in your intimate relationship with their other parent.

  • Your view of the cause(s) of your separation likely have modified from the explanation initially provided to your children, at the time of separating.
  • The original explanation likely lacked ‘texture’ that would help your children in their future relationships and life. You may see this need in your children at different times in their life, and through their more probing questions about mom and/or dad.
  • “So why did you and your ‘life partner’ with children separate?” For most of us we move from a blame game-my fault or my partner’s fault- to a more in-depth dissection of what went wrong, and importantly what was good and why did the good somehow get lost along the way?
  • Most of us as adults/parents in an intimate, committed relationship know that our childhood experiences had profound consequences on our lives; the same is true for our children. This site has enumerated many consequences for children. The question is why we would not think that our children deserve the best advice/lessons that we can provide based on a more complete understanding of our life changing, family crisis.
  • It would be safe to say that my son and I were at our worst in his teen years and in the early years of separation. As we moved into a calmer period in his twenties, I suggested that we go away on a 5-day golf excursion to North Carolina. To my surprise and pleasure he agreed.
  • It could have gone either way re: the getting along part. On our way home, travelling the inter-state, we looked at each other travelling at 120km and gave each other a bear hug. It was as if the difficulties of earlier times were set aside and were now only background to our future relationship.
  •  It would no longer cause us to flee to the safety of silence. This moment was as magical as the moment the F&CS worker placed him in my arms at two months and he became my son.
  • Finding the opportunity to (re) connect with your child provides a path to life conversations that are about integral, parenting relationships i.e. the lifelong task of completing the whole of your child.
  • Accomplishing the above allows/invites you into the lives of future grandchildren.
  • An explanation given to a child of seven is unlikely to meet the needed explanation for a young adult in a committed relationship. This is a time when most parents can hopefully provide an understanding that is more complete and less burdened by the immediacy, overwhelming emotion and even depression.
  • Many of us can see in our adult children behaviors that indicate their doubts about commitment or their search for caring relationships or…?
  • The separation process, unfortunately, has a consequence of painting a dark picture of their parents’ intimate and parenting relationship. For most parents- including separated parents- there were many wonderful family times that lasted for years. It is important to convey that to your children.
  • Many adult children have lost those memories to the chaos of disruption and two, separate homes. Quite frankly, too many parents have also lost the good times to that same chaos. 

Question: Is our legacy to our adult children to be chaos and division or a narrative/understanding that reflects a mixture of family success and lessons from intimacy breakdown?

               ‘Children of divorce miss their original family when the breakup occurs and when they get older and rework the experience.’

– Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

Photo Albums and what they mean for a separated family

  • If you are a parent that agreed to leave the matrimonial home, then you likely left with an uneven distribution of family ‘things’; often this may include family photos that illustrate the family history;
  • The visuals in my day were photo albums, that provide a journey through the parenting years together as an intact family unit. They are a shared record of fond memories.
  • We believe strongly in shared parenting (min. 40/40 parenting time for each parenting time with each child); however, whatever the parenting time, each parent has the responsibility to their child to provide a continuing bond to the other parent and their previous life in an intact family.
  • Interestingly, family pictures (I took none with me at the time) are a history of your family. My failure to understand that reality effectively left the children’s mother to be the guardian of the family journey.
  • In a beautiful, loving way my daughter knew that pictures of the children and past family events touched my soul and she went through the family photos at different times and helped to convey our shared family life by providing copies of our journey as an intact family. This may seem a small thing, but it is not!
  • You are conveying an important message/model. Most importantly, that you are a family and that you are not afraid of the past or abandoning the past. You are stating that your journey with your children is continuous and to be cherished.
  • Children become adults and pictures are reminders of fun and silly times together with more to come in the changed family. Pictures connect the family history through the generations- child to parent to grandparent.
  • There are many ways to build on the changed, but continuous family theme.
  • In the section on parenting, it is important to allow your child to see that through all the current tension- that you are able to talk about good times that were part of the family’s daily life. Remember for most of us the ‘worst’ of times took place in the closing months of the intimate relationship. Even if it was over a longer time, we managed to protect our children and manage day to day living.
  • I would also suggest that you are not afraid to connect past residences with times in the child’s life.
  • The one red flag (it is important) is that when in a ‘new family’ you need to consider any new partner’s sensitivities.

 Moving On

Family is content not form.

– Gloria Steinem, activist and writer

I became a parent through the adoption process for my first two children. Many times, during the early years of separation (high conflict), I felt an extraordinary level of guilt. I suspect that it goes with the territory; but I always felt a moral obligation to be this ‘perfect parent’ because another parent(s) and F&CS entrusted me with two children. I had not finished my responsibility. Of course, I had that same obligation to my youngest child who was born the old fashion way.

This sense of guilt is our partner, often for some time. Guilt can paralyze or motivate us to learn ways to not repeat errors or to allow past mistakes to control our life. It can feel very difficult to assert our standards to our children. It is easier to shy away from talking about our failings, even in the face of knowing our children require guidance in their on-going lives.

Moral failings are part of most of our lives. Having an affair after feeling alone for some time in a now, loveless relationship is the wrong order of doing things. Often, our older children see the events in their family through the perspective of the ‘wronged’ parent. This perspective may derive from an actual failing or may in fact be completely false. Two narratives may still be operational for years.

An earlier section talked about ‘no-fault divorce’ and your joint responsibility to explain the separation to your children. It is important, as your children grow older, that you are up to refining your explanation to meet their ‘refined’ questions as they embark on serious, intimate relationships. As an aside, my youngest daughter just asked me how/when I met her stepmother. Something triggered a question that she needed resolved.

Children need parents, stepparents and grandparents, who have the capacity to frame the past in ways that lead our children and ourselves to a brighter future. I would suggest that you focus on the issue of forgiveness for yourself and your children’s other parent. At some point, one needs to create at worst a business-like relationship with your former intimate partner and be able to engage in needed conversations with your children.

Serious conversations with your older children require perspective, calm, thoughtfulness, reflection, listening skills, making it not about you, while talking about your inner journey.

Communication skills that are conciliatory, invitational and to the point are an important tool for successful co-parenting. Even with the above steps, it can feel like a steep climb because your child may not be ready to hear a modified narrative and is ‘stuck’ still in anger or detachment. The ‘other’ parent may still be in their own state and hindering or even sabotaging progress.

In the end, the rule is that we can only be in control of our reactions and our actions. Be proud of your positive changes and the preparation/hard work that you have done to support your children.

Topics that are a part of each parent-child relationship from a separated family

I married just shy of 22. I have no recollection of any discussion of intimacy, marriage, etc. with my parents or anyone else. I learned, whatever I did learn, through what I observed through my parents and grandparents. In both cases, they remained together (intact) through thick and thin. I suspect that their marriage would not have survived the changing perspective on separating today.

My marital breakdown was a first for my family and as such it had overtones of failure from every corner.

My mother at some point suggested…strongly that I had been spoilt. For years, I have tried to understand her criticism/observation. She and I never made it together to a place where calm had replaced chaos. She and my father died prematurely, in part, from the prolonged chaos of the separation.  (See grandparents’ section)

One of the significant losses from a ‘bad’ separation is that wounded, caring family relationships may never have time to recover i.e. it can feel like everything good from before has been discredited.

 I go back to this theme because unless these conversations take place between parent and child, the unanswered questions remain open wounds with lifelong, negative consequences.

How do you answer the question about a missing dad or mom? How do you answer questions about why there are no paternal grandparents in a grandchild’s life? The questions are more than just a question; they require an answer/explanation that provide an adult understanding, that supports our children and our children’s children to navigate life.

On Hope and Being Dad: Father’s Day 2012

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

On Mon. June 4th my daughter and her husband became parents for the first time as they welcomed Mollie Elizabeth formally into their family. The preparation and anticipation is now the real thing and they now have a new identity as mom and dad, forever more.

Each of us can likely recall those emotional first moments and the commitment that each of us made as new parents to that precious, little person that we soon held in our arms. Like most of you, I still remember the rush of love and joy colliding with the beginning of worry about whether I would be the kind of father that my child needed.

Then, there was less time to worry, only the reality of providing the best start possible…night time feedings, sleep deprivation, and changing diapers.

Our Mollie will be two weeks old on Father’s Day and thus will my son-in-law’s life as Mollie’s dad. I have no doubt that Mollie and he will grow together and that she will always feel and know his love will be her companion.

As I write these words, this grandpa is eagerly anticipating his first walk with his newest granddaughter. She won’t remember, but it will be the first of many joyful memories, memories that grandparents create everywhere we are found.

In our office at Kids ‘n’ Dad, I have a tattered poster given to me by my father when I was eight years old. It shows a youngster playing first base, dreaming about becoming a major leaguer. Sixty years later it continues to be a reminder of his lifelong support that made it possible to navigate the worst of times- the ‘crisis of a separation with children’. I was truly fortunate to have him on my side for over 50 years.

Unfortunately, my dad was lost to us during that difficult ‘crisis’.

Father’s Day can be a very difficult time for many separated families. This past year, Kids ‘n’ Dad lost one of its founding clients/friends to a car accident. He was a deeply committed father and in his short years with his son created many memories that will be part of his son’s life forever. He was a gentle and loving dad.

Father’s Day for a separated dad may be very different than being a dad in an intact family. Most separated dads have experienced the fear of losing their child and the reality of interrupted parenting. They have come face to face with darkness and despair on many occasions. Yet from that despair, I believe that many of us have become more caring and loving fathers.

The difficulty is that one must survive the journey and that is not a certainty.

A few months ago I received an email from a client from several years past. Despair and darkness had surely been part of his travels. Early in his email, he expressed anger at the help that I had provided years ago. His criticism was that I had been too ‘hopeful’ and as such I had not prepared him for what took place.

His words came at a time when I was working with some wonderful men/fathers, who were suffering through interrupted or lost parenting through no fault of their own. I tend to hand out hope in small doses because I know the system is unpredictable at best and frighteningly unjust at worst.

But the question remained- should hope and optimism be a small part of what we provide with the reality check?

Father’s Day for this writer is Family Day. It is a time to celebrate the day that I became a father and the joy that we have made it through the craziness that can go on. At one time, it was only ‘hope’ that sustained me. I tried to do what was necessary to give hope a chance; but hope was what allowed me to fend off the darkness and despair.

Before Christmas, a headline story was about a dad by the name of Joe Chisholm. The mother in a custody dispute had abducted his 2-year-old daughter. The mother and daughter were found 18 years later. Joe Chisholm had done everything to find his child; he had never given up hope. He now has only the ‘hope’ that doing the right things will provide the opportunity for father and his now, young adult daughter to build a life together. (See resources)

The past matters little; the future is all that matters now.

My hope is that all the good dads that have entered my life these past years will find the strength and the path to an involved, caring relationship with their child, whatever their age.  For some, there is only hope to sustain that mission; but I have seen hope turn to a possibility to a reality in my own life and the life of other dads.

To my son-in- law, dad to Mollie Elizabeth, put aside any worries about being a good dad for I know that you will be a wonderful, loving parent. My hope is that I will have many years left as grandpa to enjoy the two of you in play and in laughter.

To all a hopeful and loving Father’s Day!

Letter to God from a proud father

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids’n’ Dad by a Separated Dad. Names have been altered to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Dear God,

This Wednesday is my daughter’s birthday. As usual, I am going to celebrate having a healthy and talented twenty-four year old girl. Whatever my financial situation, I never miss her birthday, and this year is special. I’m going to take a day trip to Niagara Fall and enjoy a five- star buffet lunch at the revolving restaurant at the top of Hilton Hotel to enjoy the view. Mary is with me in my heart! 

It was 15 years ago Mary, and I had a Happy Meal together at MacDonald restaurant to celebrate her ninth birthday. It was her idea to have the Happy Meal because she was collecting Pokémon toys that came with the meal. We spent a solid one hour of quality time together mostly at MacDonald’s and in the car. Her mother called that a special privilege – she was kind enough to allow the extraordinary hour outside my visitation right. She proclaimed that was out of the compassionate ground as a good Christian – our Separation Agreement did not have a birthday clause. Well, she had sole legal custody, the laws allowed her to make all decisions, major and minor, for the best interest of our daughter. I have no other options but wholeheartedly accepting whatever offer was granted from the mother to be with my only daughter.  If not, I could go back to the divorce court for another battle.

According to the Separation Agreement, my visitation right was bi-weekly from Saturday 8 AM to Sunday 5 PM. In addition, there was a footnote attached: the mother had the right to change the time and date for the visitation by giving the father sufficient times and reasonable clarification. It was not written explicitly in black and white what was sufficient and reasonable.

The week after Mary’s ninth birthday I had her for the weekend.  Her grandparents were at the cottage; my mother missed her so dearly and they wanted to celebrate her birthday and present her with gifts. It was a wonderful weekend for the family gathered beside the lake with a camp-fire and full of laughter. Unfortunately, most good times and happiness are impermanent. On Sunday afternoon I was ready to take my daughter back to her mother, but my father had a severe pain in the chest. So, we decided to rush him to the Walk-In clinic in town for checkup since my father had a long history of a heart condition. It was an unforeseeable situation and I left Mary’s mother a voicemail on her answering machine to explain the dilemma and mentioned we will be late arriving home. At the time, the only means of communication for both of us were the landline or emails. Fortunately, it turned out my father’s chest pain was a pulled muscle, so I drove them back to the cottage.  Again, I called my ex-wife at the gas station and left a message to inform her we were on the way home.  

By the time I and Mary got back to her mother it was almost 8 PM. Two police officers were in the house. Apparently, my ex-wife reported her daughter was kidnapped! Out of frustration and under distress, I argued with my ex-wife in the presence of the police officers and my daughter concerning my father’s physical health. I was told by the police officers to go home and do not come back to her house until I heard from Children’s Aid Society. It turned out that was the last time physically I was with Mary.

First time on Monday morning, my lawyer informed me that my ex-wife filed a restraining order due to my aggressiveness and her safety, and I had to play by the rules to stay away from her and Mary until further notice and investigation. That sparked off another new round of custody battles. First was to remove the restraining order and then the amend the original Separation Agreement. The divorce court and processes are very complicated, prolonged, and not to mention very expensive. It took more than two years and two court appearances to have the restraining order removed and added a couple of clauses so that I have the opportunity to see my daughter more frequently with the blessing of her mother. During this time, I was prevented from contacting my daughter – not even supervised visitation until the court made the final decision and legally amended the Separation Agreement.

Finally, the day arrived – what a relief – and my visitation right resumed. It happened on that weekend of Mary’s twelfth birthday. I phoned my ex-wife on Saturday morning to arrange to fetch my daughter. To my surprise, another bomb exploded – my ex-wife told me that Mary was not feeling well and was not in the mood to see her father. I insisted to come to the house to see my daughter with her birthday gift.

Was it a crime for the father spending time with his daughter?

I arrived at their house, and although I knew they were inside the doorbell was not answered. After a few minutes, someone must have called the police, a police cruiser arrived, and I was told to stay inside my car while the police officer went into the house to speak with my ex-wife. My anticipation was the police officer coming out hand in hand with my daughter with a smiling face. On the contrary, my dream turned into a nightmare. In fact, I got a stern warning from the officer not to come near the house to cause trouble until I heard from my lawyer.

My immediate reaction was to turn to my lawyer for help. He was the smart one that negotiated the best deals for his clients. The answering machine from his office said he was out of town for business. Without wasting any more time, I called the Family and Children Service (FACS) and spoke to the on-call case worker and explained to her about my distress and even reported that incident as child abuse because the mother prevented the daughter to see her father. The FACS worker delivered the same statement I heard before so many times from the authorities: Please stay away from the house until further notice!   

I received a call from FACS on Monday morning with an invitation for a meeting. Eagerly, I went there with high hopes and a bagful of court case notes and legal agreements. The result of the two hours meeting with FACS was that they clearly explained to me that their protocol was to investigate child abuse and the best interest of the child without bias. In other words, they were going to hear both sides of the story and my daughter played the major role.

During FACS investigation, my visitation right was on hold. Eventually, I received a report from FACS after two months and two days. The verdict was sweet and simple. The case manager set up eight counselling sessions for father and daughter to re-establish their relationship since they have been apart for more than three years. Graciously, I accepted the offer with open arms and looking forward to heal the wounded hearts. I fully understand the impact of the family conflict on the child’s mental health.   

Enthusiastically, I showed up early for the first counselling session, like a first date, with a box of chocolate and the birthday gift, my daughter’s favourite Harry Potter book. Unfortunately, my daughter did not show up, and I went home disappointed. The counsellor reassured me he would contact my ex-wife to remind her of my daughter’s appointment. The next week I attended the pre-arranged second counselling session with the same box of chocolates and the book. It was a no show. The counsellor advised me to go home and wait. Do not do anything foolish – stay away from them for now. FACS will look into the matter.

A few days later I received news from my lawyer with FACS recommendation.  The reports spelled out in details the obligation of FACS. Basically, the best interest of the child means that – all custody and visitation decision are made with the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging the child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood.  According to the divorce law, when a child is over 12 years old, he or she has the option to choose and make his or her decision. The finding indicated my ex-wife was a good mother since my daughter attending a gifted school and programs, living in a positive home environment, without her father’s involvement. What?

My lawyer comforted me and told me not to worry for he had a plan for how to get my daughter back. His strategy was to hire a child psychologist to make some assessments and prove my daughter is suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome. We could throw the medical diagnostic in front of the judge to pressure him to change the Separation Agreement and FACS findings to my advantage. My lawyer even willing to do it at a reduced rate of $25,000.

That was not a win-win situation. I decided to walk away, not from my daughter’s life, but from the divorce industry. I had no more money and energy to sit in court again without end. I already lost my house and half my pension savings, and now my daughter. The only rational solution for me is to change my mindset since I could not change the situation. Even though my daughter and I were not physically together, I’m still trying my best to be her father; persistently, every Christmas and birthday I continued sending her greeting cards and gifts. Sadly, most of them are returned to the sender. Eventually, I stopped when the new house owner informed me, they moved away without leaving a forwarding address.

It was 15 years ago the last time Mary was with me at the cottage. We had no contact at all. Nowadays, it is not difficult to search for personal information on the internet. I found out from Facebook – the pictures were almost unrecognisable – it shows my daughter has become a young lady, not a child anymore. She had been with her mother and an unknown person visiting a couple of exotic tourist places. Her LinkedIn illustrated that she achieved high distinction. She was awarded a full scholarship for post-graduate school. Besides academically excelling, she had been active in student leadership. I read her writing on social justice issues. 

This year I have good reason to celebrate my daughter’s birthday with style. First, I have fulfilled my child support responsibility since she completed her first university degree according to the Separation Agreement. Second, my spouse support payments obligation have only five more years to go.

I am a proud father. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a healthy and talented daughter!

On forgiveness – reflections on a support group session

On By BarryIn After Separation, Fathers

I once held a You’re Still Dad Support Group meeting that ended up as a powerful lesson on forgiveness.

At the conclusion of the meeting I requested that each participant speak briefly about some action or inaction that they were now proud of during the separation. My hope was to end an often-difficult session on a positive note.

As I went around the group, the statements were often about walking away from a difficult situation – a dad who stated that he didn’t get into a brawl with a man who had cheated with his former spouse. The group empathized with his initial thought, but agreed that no action was better.

We arrived at the final dad, who I had worked with for 2+ years. His situation was particularly egregious, unwarranted, and heart-breaking. He had seen his child, but once in two years. He was/is a remarkably spiritual, older man. I had left him to the end in part to limit the length of his words for his situation can drown out all others.

He then spoke eloquently about forgiveness. He spoke about a last 15 minute meeting with his son and how he had told him he would always love him and would always be available to him. He spoke about the child’s mother and how he had forgiven her in his heart. He then spoke about the weight that had been lifted from his shoulders – from his very being in reaching this stage.

Every wounded dad in the room was touched by his words and I believe wished they could arrive at his current place, including myself. He is the model that I strive to become. I am inching closer, but I am not yet there.

In the end, forgiveness is actually a gift to oneself and to our children – by lifting a weight that limits the joy in our life going forward. His lesson is one for every parent going through a separation.

See the Resource Hub for more supporting tools and writing for parents.