Category: Grandparent

An open letter to separating parents on preserving all the essential relationships that help children thrive

On By BarryIn Grandparent, Holidays

There is something ultimate in a father’s love, something that cannot fail, something to be beloved against the whole world.

– Frederick Faber, priest

Lost in the hype of Father’s Day is the continuous, diminishing of the importance of a dad, unless it is within the intact family. The post, intact family role for a dad becomes essentially conditional to the mother’s commitment to shared parenting. A mother’s opposition leads to others becoming arbiters to whether a dad is parent-worthy to their OWN children and to what extent.

 It is an insidious system and even mediation and collaborative processes suggest outside decision-makers make judgments, usually about a dad’s parenting value. There is no guiding principle that states that both parents and grandparents shall share parenting in the post-separation family.

This Father’s Day, I decided to write about my journey as a separated dad and the cost to my parents-grandparents to five.

The face of our web site portrays my then 3- year old granddaughter and I on the Gulf of Mexico, sharing with several hundred other families from every family form an awe inspiring moment. I know that my father and gramps were holding hands with Mollie and I; and that getting this separating process right is a MUST for the Mollies and Timothies everywhere- for they become parents and grandparents too.

A second, attached resource has some overlap with the original essay; it is my personal journey with my parents, grandparents to five, from the moment of my separation.

My hope is that there are experiences and lessons that helps your family in some way. You are not alone in your journey.

Grandparents: The Forgotten Story of Family Separation and Divorce

I’ve come to realize, though, that it’s best for kids to spend plenty of time with both mom and dad. It’s best if both parents are very involved in day-to-day parenting, and its best to put the needs of kids ahead of the parents needs or desires…”

– Jennifer L.W. Fink, Wisconsin from Building Boys

 Ms. Fink, mother of two boys once rejected any notion of shared parenting following her separation.  Five years later following the Court imposition (‘plenty of time’) of Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting legislation, she is grateful not just for her children, but also for having dad as a parenting partner.

 She succinctly captures her personal transformation: “My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.”

Stella Kavoukian, a mediator-therapist outlined a path for separating parents: “Kids do as well as their parents do. We are their role models. The better that parents are able to communicate and resolve issues, the better the kids will be able to manage their own relations throughout life.”

An essential test of a good parenting plan following a separation is how the agreement preserves all the essential relationships that help children thrive through the years and become happy and resilient young adults, fully capable of entering loving relationships.

Namely: Do you send your child to the other parent and their extended family with your blessing and encouragement to have a joyful time?

 “Giving your permission to your child to love and be loved by the other parent and grandparents is a lifelong gift that is far greater than the ‘things’ we purchase!”

I have reached the age of my father, when my family separation took place. I can remember as if yesterday the chaos and piercing grief that became part of my parents’ daily life. Their relationship with my three children became intermittent at best and special, ‘happy occasions’ were almost always filled with loss and sadness. They were caring parents and grandparents (good people, not perfect) who created special, lifelong memories for their grandchildren. A separation process without end left them wounded for the remainder of their lives.

Humanizing the separating process became my life mission.

Recently, my youngest daughter commented on a grandfather that she knows who is not seeing his grandchild.  She wondered aloud that she couldn’t imagine how I would have survived if I had faced the same outcome. I don’t know the answer to be truthful.

 Barbara Coloroso calls the struggle the piercing grief of loss. Fortunately for this writer, estrangement over the years was only temporary and intermittent; but the fear of loss and the fragility of relationships have remained a lifelong companion. I don’t believe that it ever completely disappears from our being, once experienced.

I witness today the exclusion of grandparents (most often paternal) from grandchildren in often the most egregious ways. The word ‘indifferent’ inadequately describes the time given by legal and social service professionals to grandparents and their significance to children and grandchildren of all ages. I often view parenting agreements from clients and rarely, if ever, have I read a parenting document outlining, let alone insisting on ‘the good intention’ to include the grandparents from both extended families.

The Ontario legislature passed a Bill that gave grandparents the opportunity to seek a legal remedy, when they are blocked from their grandchildren. This option may be a possibility for grandparents, when the dad has faded away or simply surrendered to the grief and loss of a failing process. We shall see how this works out.

However, the most productive way of preventing the loss of grandparenting is to ensure that the ‘best interests of the child’ include all the essential loving, committed relationships in each child’s life.

An after the fact legal remedy by a grandparent is doubtful at best, for most grandparents have experienced the devastating and costly consequences of the legal system through their child’s separation. They too have become worn out by their child’s experience within the system, and the thought of repeating this same nightmarish journey emotionally and financially with no certainty, is simply too great a risk.

As one of our grandparents so clearly stated some years ago: ‘the family justice system has lost the right to use the word ‘justice’.

Paternal grandparents disproportionally suffer from the aftershock of their son’s family separation. Fathers are more likely to face reduced parenting time with their children and the challenges that such parenting arrangements present for strengthening and sustaining, enduring father-child bonds. Grandparent-grandchild bonds must be sustained often through the parenting opportunities of their child.

Paternal grandparents are often caught in what I have identified as the quadruple whammy, namely:

 a) Losing often a special relationship with their daughter-in-law (in long-term marriages they have become a ‘daughter’);

b) Remaining a loyal support to their son and caught in his despair and loss of parenting time;

 c) Grandparents may also be divided on what needs to be done- loyalty to their son or going around their son to retain a relationship with their grandchildren;

d) In many instances, the paternal grandparents may have been the key support to the parents and children in the intact family.

Our failure to demand inclusive outcomes for families, leaves children often on the outside of one side of their family, for no reason. In allowing this to occur, children lose what Ms. Fink described as ‘integral’ relationships- necessary to the completing of the whole of each child- the role of each parent and grandparent.

Grandparents contribute to integral relationships by providing:

1) The continuity of the family- for a child to understand their roots.

2) Modelling the personality/values/character of their families and as a consequence the child’s own identity.

 3) Children knowing they are loved, unconditionally.

 4) Provide a place of calm that is less involved in the day to day upbringing and more focused on just being there.

5)   Real poverty is unlikely and a source for enhanced opportunities are a trademark of grandparents.  

6)  Their involvement provide parenting experience and advice for parents.

7) By being a source of emotional support for parents and grandchildren in troubled times.

Father’s Day, for this writer, is a reminder of the lifelong gift of knowing that I was loved forever, through whatever by my father and grandfather. That ultimate gift is what I ‘hope’ I have offered to my children and grandchildren in my imperfect way. It is what every healthy parent in an intact family or a family born out of loss and new beginnings desires/hopes to give to their children.

I have lived through my own family miracle as a separated dad. That miracle/good fortune has allowed me to be a day- to- day grandfather. Most days I take my two grand boys to school and after the farewell hug, smile and wave, my eyes often go misty. I think my reaction is ridiculous after so many years; yet, it serves as a daily reminder of the uncertain gift of being a dad and grandfather.

“We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body.” (Poet: Ralph Waldo Emerson)

This past week, I reconnected with four childhood chums from grade one through high school some 65 years ago. Stories were told that were embellished to the point of being unrecognizable. Good times from 60 years ago were joyfully recalled as yesterday. But what I took away in the end was our common commitment, love and support as a dad and grandparent.

As Kyle Lowry simply stated in the Toronto Sun: “But…fatherhood. that changed everything.”

 When I attend Christmas concerts or JK graduations, I am always touched by the love and joy of parents and grandparents from every background, connected as one, by our common mission of completing in the best way possible the whole of our child and grandchild. (See School Essays)

Events such as these constantly reaffirm my faith that parent and grandparent love has the capacity to overcome temporary anger between separating, intimate partners, when the right, supportive resources are in place.

Every dad wants the best for his children

On By BarryIn After Separation, Grandparent, Holidays

This article by Barry first appeared as a columnist submission in the Waterloo Region Record on July 15, 2019.

My 47th Father’s Day intersects with the recent passage of my 75th birthday, a milestone that started me on a journey of remembrance from childhood to adolescence, to parenting and grandparenting.

There are those who suggest that today’s 75 is really 60. My response is that the advocates of that position don’t have a rapidly declining golf game, nor four grandchildren between the ages of two and nine.

Twenty-eight years ago, I became a separated dad. It was a profound experience and continues to be almost three decades later.

On my office desk are pictures of my six grandchildren and they are a daily reminder of my family’s journey to this time and place.

Clip of Record article Every dad wants the best for his children.

A picture taken by my son-in-law captured my three-year-old granddaughter and I, hand in hand, quietly watching the magical sunset on the Gulf of Mexico. My eyes misted over for I knew that my father and gramps were on that beach, hand in hand with us through their gifts of love forever, through whatever.

Once the worst of the chaos and a semblance of normalcy and calm were restored following the separation, I committed to supporting families one by one, and ensuring that every child has both parents and extended families in their daily lives.

The mission of our little agency is based on a basic belief that separating parents can love their children more than they are angry with the other parent, provided the right supports are available.

Barack Obama articulated the transformation and aspirational mission of every dad when he penned the following in an open letter to his two daughters in 2009, prior to his inauguration. “But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn’t seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn’t count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfilment in yours.”

My transformational experience to fatherhood began almost 48 years ago through the adoption process. My son was placed in my arms by a Children’s Aid worker. She left the two-month-old infant with us for 10 minutes and returned to ask: Do you want to take him home? She didn’t seem to understand – that infant became my son forever, the moment he was placed in my arms. I still recall feeding him his first bottle and the radio appropriately playing the “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “Brahms Lullaby.” Tears of joy were my companion that day.

One child, in time, became three and 25 years later a new, joyful role began – I became a grandpa; now I have six grandchildren.

There is a wonderful description that captures the role of parents and grandparents: Necessary to the completeness of the whole.

Supporting integral parenting relationships through a family separation should be the mission of family law and social services. Unfortunately, it is unclear that ensuring integral, parenting relationships for separated dads is in any way a priority.

In a report in 2010, the Law Commission of Ontario offered a frightening conclusion from the users of the family law legal system. It suggested that too often solvable problems turn into unsolvable outcomes. The devastating consequences are unnecessary conflict and chaos that too often leads to interrupted parenting or worse – almost always for dads and paternal grandparents.

There is a basic question that divorce lawyers, Family and Children’s Services, counsellors, assessors etc. need to answer. Are the dad and the paternal grandparents a necessary, integral partner in the completeness of their child’s and grandchild’s life? I wonder who celebrates and advocates for separated single dads, whatever their parenting time, within these bodies. I fear the response is too often a shrug, or it’s time to move on. The message given to children is that the dad is not essential to their lives.

My father was an imperfect, flawed, loving, supportive and integral parent and an almost perfect grandpa to five. He suffered a massive stroke 12 hours after visiting this still wounded and vulnerable son, two months before my remarriage.

The chaos over three years claimed him as yet another victim. His last conscious act was to be my dad at the age of 76; to continue to be the integral parent and grandparent. He is my model and symbolizes the desire of every dad and grandfather that has graced my life.

Reflections on Remembrance Day, 2019

On By BarryIn Grandparent, Holidays

Thank you to the children and teachers of Smithson Junior Public School for a Remembrance Day to cherish.

Don Cherry’s ‘you people’ rant on Hockey Night in Canada unfortunately diverted attention from the growing support for our military, past and present.

I was a fortunate child and grandchild, for my gramps and dad survived war zone service in WW1 and World War11, respectively, and as such were integral to who I am today. Remembrance Day, for this writer, is always a melancholy journey, a mixture of gratefulness, pride and family renewal to be the best of them, in my own imperfect way.   

They rarely recounted stories of their military service and the horrors of Gallipoli or the fears and uncertainty from the almost daily, nighttime bombings of Great Britain. Upon their return, they took up day to day living, often in occupations that were taken out of necessity, in order to provide opportunity for their families.

Peace fought for and won with great cost would hopefully quiet their troubled memories of loss and personal trauma.

It was with these thoughts and seventy-five years of life behind me (thanks to my father’s survival) that I entered Smithson School at 10:15 on November 11th to be in the company of my seven year old granddaughter, Mollie. She was unaware that I was coming and as she looked about she spotted this grandpa and her face lit up with a smile almost too big for her face. I was reminded of my good fortune, luck, and fate to be in this place, at this time.

 I remembered my veteran dad and grandfather; and all the veterans who suffered losses for their family and unknown families from faraway places.

As the young children entered the assembly, parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren found each other in a similar fashion to Mollie. Some parents jumped to their feet and waved until I feared they would injure themselves. Almost in every case the children were more reserved because the Smithson teachers had prepared them for the solemnness of the ceremony.

I took in the scene-never completely turning my eyes from my granddaughter, in case she flashed her now toothless smile that melts my heart. I was again aware of the diversity, in every possible way, of the Smithson School community, and the blessing for parents and grandparents to have our children being raised in an environment of acceptance, tolerance, generosity and caring.

There were no ‘you people’ in this gathering!

 The formal program recognized and honoured loss, lessons were provided, and a hopeful, future path was offered to our children, grandchildren and the audience through readings, poems, songs and a children’s story. All done in a respectful, thoughtful and age appropriate way.

The Last Post was powerfully done by a Smithson teacher. Our children then exited calmly and quietly. Parents and grandparents behaved appropriately (not a certainty) following the Last Post and avoided the not so subtle ‘look’ or raising of a hand (quiet …please) by a Smithson teacher.

As I reflected on the occasion, I believe that I had witnessed in this small, urban school the best of the Canadian ideal. The Canadian experience has been and perhaps always be an imperfect journey; but these 45 minutes left me more hopeful for the future than when I entered.

I could hear my grandpa and dad by my side saying thank you Smithson community:  ‘YOU DID YOURSELVES PROUD! ‘

Oh, For the Gift Again of a Little Summer Adventure on Father’s/Grandfather’s Day!

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

It was Monday morning and I had decided to go to our office early. At mid-morning I spoke by phone to my daughter who informed me that she was going to take her youngest children to her mother’s cottage. She wondered if I wanted to see the two boys, then 18 months and nearly three, before they departed.

The oldest child upon my arrival moved quickly to get his sandals in anticipation of an adventure. The youngest was quietly observing his brother; soon his tears demanded that he be included in the outing. He did not need to worry!

Our little adventure was to return to what I have designated as our Park; a place for this writer of so many fond memories as a father and grandfather. Today my adult kids are more likely to fire off a gentle, verbal dig by reminding their dad of their childhood pleas: “We are too old for the swings and those animals have had better days”.

 The words ‘better days’ hurt the most as I reflected that like the park’s black bear of olden days, I too have seen better days.

As I set out, I realized that I am a fortunate grandpa to have a new, eager, ‘more grateful generation’ of children to mould to the joys of our family Park. So off we went with the oldest grandson identifying every farm and construction vehicle ever built by John Deere and Caterpillar. His little brother squealed and hummed to a selection of Itsy, Bitsy Spider.

We soon arrived at our destination and the ducks surrounded our car, impatiently awaiting grandpa’s liberation of their young friends from the shackles of car seats.

It was a beautiful morning, perfect temperature, and our Park was alive, as a gentle breeze spread the joyful and boisterous sounds of children, parents and grandparents creating new memories.

My oldest grandchild scurried down the winding path toward the peacocks and their rooster friends. He found them sunning themselves and preparing to entertain their little admirers. But for us this is a momentary stop along the way to our primary target, feeding the deer and the llama. What the heck is the plural for llama anyway? My oldest grandson knew the routine well. He tore at the longer strands of grass and carefully positioned each so the llama (?) that he calls camels would be satisfied.

The feeding exercise is always a little unnerving, even for an experienced grandpa. My daughter- for an unintended outcome- could revoke my day pass with the little ones i.e., animal teeth marks on my grandson’s feeding hand would likely lead to a cancellation of future outings.

 Mothers can be terribly protective!

These outings have a certain rhythm. Our yellow brick path always includes visiting our different friends- the miniature horses, goats and of course the fishpond. The return of the piglets this day provided an additional, scented delight as our path soon turned in front of the well-stocked, mini pond and waterfall.

Soon it was time to retrace our steps with warm farewells to each of our animal friends. I was in particularly good spirits because we had escaped a reprimand from the young park staff for feeding the llama/camels. In the past if the staff catches us, I always point at my young companion with the grass/feed in his hand as the culprit. They are rarely persuaded though and are intent on holding the gray-haired kid responsible. I suspect they figured out that I am the only kid old enough to read the posted signs.

                              DON’T FEED THE LLAMA

                           sometimes known as CAMELS.

To celebrate a joyful outing, I decided that ice cream was a necessary reward. We soon became three spoons competing selfishly for more than our share of a giant mound of vanilla ice cream. Finding the target for each spoonful seemed less important to the combatants than securing the biggest payload. Soon the giant mound was reduced to a few melted drops to be licked from the container. I leave the rest to your imagination.

It was time for the short trip home. As I secured the little ones into their seats, I remembered being so grateful for such a joyful experience, a gift that was not a certainty in our family’s life.

I was reminded of that truth as I initiated our departure toward our Park’s ring road. Passing in front of me were two, old friends. They are wonderful and loving parents and grandparents; yet they were pushed aside- made invisible grandparents by the family, separating process in this country.

The riches of my day embarrassed me at that moment.

As we approached the children’s home, I remembered wavering on whether to reveal that illegal, pre-lunch, celebratory ice cream thing to my daughter.  I realized that secrecy was unavailable when I spotted grandpa’s post ice cream cleanup had failed miserably.

The children ran to their mom’s open arms with wide smiles and evidence on their jerseys of their outing with grandpa. I knew from my daughter’s half smile that she was recalling her childhood outings many years earlier to our same family Park …and that vanilla ice cream was occasionally… well o.k. always dad’s way to conclude a wonderful adventure.

Father’s Day is about celebrating a dad’s love for their child and their child’s child which endures forever in every family form. That love should be cherished and valued every day. That is the only gift desired by the dads who have been inspirational in my life.

Have a joyful Father’s Day!

On Being a Dad and Grandpa: Father’s Day 2016

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays
Barry and family

Becoming a dad is transformational. It changes everything. It gives a purpose, a new priority to life that had been previously absent.  Fathers recall the moment when they became dad and the love and commitment made at that time to their child. Becoming a ‘separating’ dad also seemed to change everything in unexpected ways and threatened and risked every parenting relationship.

Recently a distraught father spoke to me about the emotional birth of his child. His eyes misted over as he talked about the infant’s serious health concerns and the oath/promise he made that first night to be at the child’s side, forever. He has kept his promise! He fears that like many separating dads he will be unable to navigate through the marital breakdown and keep his solemn commitment.  He doesn’t understand a process that seems determined to reduce his parental role and tear away at the best of who he is.

A father from our community wrote the following words that capture what many separating dads “grudgingly accept” in order to restore calm to their children’s lives.

His words: “…it’s the days you wake up with the kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with dad. I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” (a separated dad)

I became a father in my own unique way through the courageous decision of a young woman to place her child up for adoption. I vividly recall the social worker placing him in my arms. Ten minutes later, she returned to ask if my wife and I wanted to keep him. I still laugh at the question—she didn’t seem to understand that he became my son, through whatever, the moment she placed him in my arms.

I remember that the adoption process was a time of anxiety, scrutiny and fear. Would we make the list of approved parents? Power rested in the perspective of the social worker and her mandate to ensure the best interests of that child. It was a difficult process, but one that you necessarily endured. Pushing back against the intrusiveness and judgment was not a viable option. My son and later my daughter had not yet been placed in my arms.

Curiously, the birth of my youngest daughter had no such intrusiveness or scrutiny as she was placed in my arms by a caring nurse in the birthing room.

The next years, no one questioned whether I was a full parenting partner or quite frankly whether I was the best of parents or the worst of parents or somewhere in between. I was dad!

The common bond of separated fathers commences the moment that the intimate relationship breaks down. It brings with it in some ways the scrutiny of the social worker EXCEPT that the children are your children NOT the children of social workers or lawyers, judges or the Canadian Bar Association. A separation with lawyers too often is a process built for finding differences, not for ensuring that children have both parents and grandparents in their daily lives. A separation with children is a long crooked path that requires ongoing support to meet the challenges of change. An initial, adversarial process is the wrong path to long-term cooperation.

My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.

Jennifer Fink: A Wisconsin mother of four boys

This insight comes from a Wisconsin mother who originally fought a determined battle in Court in an attempt to minimize any participation by the dad in her boys’ lives. The Wisconsin family court justice ‘insisted’ that Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting applied. The boys would have their father as an ‘integral’ part of their lives forever.

 Think about Ms. Fink’s wonderful adjective ‘integral’ to describe the parenting relationship for each parent now. A definition for ‘integral’: necessary to the completeness of the whole. Imagine a community where ‘the completeness of the whole’ (our child) is the foundation for supporting separating/separated families in our community.

 Canada’s Parliament rejected (2015) the Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting strategy intended to accomplish the ‘completeness of the whole’.

Shortly before starting our little agency (2005) I met a teenage boy age 14. His parents had separated several years earlier. The son had written a note to his parents for Mother’s Day/Father’s Day acknowledging and thanking them for ensuring that he had both of them in his life and as such an ‘almost normal upbringing’. In doing so he realized that through their cooperation he was able to learn who he was- an impossibility if either parent had faded away or vanished from his life. He recognized the gifts of character that were part of him-his mother’s sense of humour and joyfulness, his father’s gentleness and generosity.

These parents remembered the oath they made together to their son some 14 years earlier. They knew that both of them and their extended families were necessary to the completeness of their son. It remains an ongoing journey …for a lifetime.

Acknowledging and supporting each parent’s contribution to the child’s ‘completeness’ provides the opportunity for a family to build ‘integral’ parenting relationships that endure forever. It is my belief that our community has an obligation to develop strategies that best ensure the completeness of the whole. I have yet to hear any leader-legal, counselling, social worker or funder in our community give a public voice to such a mission. Silence is a strategy that effectively maintains a broken and destructive system.

A year ago at sunset I was on beach on the Gulf of Mexico with my 3 year old granddaughter. We were accompanied by probably 300 mothers, fathers and grandparents all quietly standing in awe of this shared, family experience. As the sun set everyone broke into applause as one. My father and gramps were with me in spirit, hand in hand, with the little one. They were an integral part of the completeness of my whole and thus of my children and grandchildren.

 It was a spiritual connection of three generations at that moment and a connection that must be cherished and nurtured by all.

My heart goes out to those of you facing the pain of interrupted parenting or worse. I faced such with each of my children at different times in the early years of the separation. That I am an integral part of each of their lives (and now six grandchildren) was more than uncertain at one time. You must find the supports to survive the despair and to find your way to a calmer place. I always believed (hoped) that the relationship that I had with each child during the intact years would sustain our relationship through the dark times…and in the end it did.

A child changes each man’s identity forever. In the past decade I have been so fortunate to have met so many courageous, creative, unique, gentle, compassionate, caring, generous, resilient and involved fathers, mothers, stepmothers and grandparents. I am a better person for knowing you. More importantly your gifts of character to your children – already given-are part of your child’s growth on their journey to ‘completeness of the whole’-with more still to come. Each of us must be prepared for new opportunities. They can occur at the most unpredictable of times.

Kyle Lowry perhaps captured best the gift of fatherhood in a Toronto Sun interview:

But …fatherhood that changed everything. He’s done more for me than I’ve done for him… He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball…

Please take care.

Managing the short-term in order to effectively parent and grandparent in the long-term

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Mothers, Parents

At some point in time during the separation years, I felt estranged from each of my three children. It was unbearable.

It is not necessarily a forever outcome!

Our experience is that almost every separated parent suffering through an estranged parenting relationship will have an opportunity to ‘repair’ that relationship. It is our task as a parent to be prepared to seize that opportunity.

Parenting a young or not so young adult child offers wonderful, even ecstatic times, in part because of the difficulty of the journey.

Below are some general conversations of possible parenting opportunities that could help enrich the lives of your adult children and their immediate families. The picture on the face of the FRRP web site pointedly captures what is at stake.

Families do come in all shapes, in every form, and are sustained and strengthened by the enduring love of each parent to their child and their child’s child.

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

 Situations

Talking about the cause of your separation to your adolescent or adult child is for many of us an unwanted conversation.

Based on the early months, even years of separation, the conversation may seem frankly too dangerous.  Silence or the status quo may seem ‘kind of comfortable’.  The question that remains for every parent of a separated family is whether they must abandon being a parent and just become an adult friend.

 My experience suggests that parenting to your adult child is very different and requires a complimentary set of communication skills and self-awareness. But I would assert that it is part of what you committed to when you became mom or dad. I would also suggest that you have a continuing debt to your child for what happened in your intimate relationship with their other parent.

  • Your view of the cause(s) of your separation likely have modified from the explanation initially provided to your children, at the time of separating.
  • The original explanation likely lacked ‘texture’ that would help your children in their future relationships and life. You may see this need in your children at different times in their life, and through their more probing questions about mom and/or dad.
  • “So why did you and your ‘life partner’ with children separate?” For most of us we move from a blame game-my fault or my partner’s fault- to a more in-depth dissection of what went wrong, and importantly what was good and why did the good somehow get lost along the way?
  • Most of us as adults/parents in an intimate, committed relationship know that our childhood experiences had profound consequences on our lives; the same is true for our children. This site has enumerated many consequences for children. The question is why we would not think that our children deserve the best advice/lessons that we can provide based on a more complete understanding of our life changing, family crisis.
  • It would be safe to say that my son and I were at our worst in his teen years and in the early years of separation. As we moved into a calmer period in his twenties, I suggested that we go away on a 5-day golf excursion to North Carolina. To my surprise and pleasure he agreed.
  • It could have gone either way re: the getting along part. On our way home, travelling the inter-state, we looked at each other travelling at 120km and gave each other a bear hug. It was as if the difficulties of earlier times were set aside and were now only background to our future relationship.
  •  It would no longer cause us to flee to the safety of silence. This moment was as magical as the moment the F&CS worker placed him in my arms at two months and he became my son.
  • Finding the opportunity to (re) connect with your child provides a path to life conversations that are about integral, parenting relationships i.e. the lifelong task of completing the whole of your child.
  • Accomplishing the above allows/invites you into the lives of future grandchildren.
  • An explanation given to a child of seven is unlikely to meet the needed explanation for a young adult in a committed relationship. This is a time when most parents can hopefully provide an understanding that is more complete and less burdened by the immediacy, overwhelming emotion and even depression.
  • Many of us can see in our adult children behaviors that indicate their doubts about commitment or their search for caring relationships or…?
  • The separation process, unfortunately, has a consequence of painting a dark picture of their parents’ intimate and parenting relationship. For most parents- including separated parents- there were many wonderful family times that lasted for years. It is important to convey that to your children.
  • Many adult children have lost those memories to the chaos of disruption and two, separate homes. Quite frankly, too many parents have also lost the good times to that same chaos. 

Question: Is our legacy to our adult children to be chaos and division or a narrative/understanding that reflects a mixture of family success and lessons from intimacy breakdown?

               ‘Children of divorce miss their original family when the breakup occurs and when they get older and rework the experience.’

– Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

Photo Albums and what they mean for a separated family

  • If you are a parent that agreed to leave the matrimonial home, then you likely left with an uneven distribution of family ‘things’; often this may include family photos that illustrate the family history;
  • The visuals in my day were photo albums, that provide a journey through the parenting years together as an intact family unit. They are a shared record of fond memories.
  • We believe strongly in shared parenting (min. 40/40 parenting time for each parenting time with each child); however, whatever the parenting time, each parent has the responsibility to their child to provide a continuing bond to the other parent and their previous life in an intact family.
  • Interestingly, family pictures (I took none with me at the time) are a history of your family. My failure to understand that reality effectively left the children’s mother to be the guardian of the family journey.
  • In a beautiful, loving way my daughter knew that pictures of the children and past family events touched my soul and she went through the family photos at different times and helped to convey our shared family life by providing copies of our journey as an intact family. This may seem a small thing, but it is not!
  • You are conveying an important message/model. Most importantly, that you are a family and that you are not afraid of the past or abandoning the past. You are stating that your journey with your children is continuous and to be cherished.
  • Children become adults and pictures are reminders of fun and silly times together with more to come in the changed family. Pictures connect the family history through the generations- child to parent to grandparent.
  • There are many ways to build on the changed, but continuous family theme.
  • In the section on parenting, it is important to allow your child to see that through all the current tension- that you are able to talk about good times that were part of the family’s daily life. Remember for most of us the ‘worst’ of times took place in the closing months of the intimate relationship. Even if it was over a longer time, we managed to protect our children and manage day to day living.
  • I would also suggest that you are not afraid to connect past residences with times in the child’s life.
  • The one red flag (it is important) is that when in a ‘new family’ you need to consider any new partner’s sensitivities.

 Moving On

Family is content not form.

– Gloria Steinem, activist and writer

I became a parent through the adoption process for my first two children. Many times, during the early years of separation (high conflict), I felt an extraordinary level of guilt. I suspect that it goes with the territory; but I always felt a moral obligation to be this ‘perfect parent’ because another parent(s) and F&CS entrusted me with two children. I had not finished my responsibility. Of course, I had that same obligation to my youngest child who was born the old fashion way.

This sense of guilt is our partner, often for some time. Guilt can paralyze or motivate us to learn ways to not repeat errors or to allow past mistakes to control our life. It can feel very difficult to assert our standards to our children. It is easier to shy away from talking about our failings, even in the face of knowing our children require guidance in their on-going lives.

Moral failings are part of most of our lives. Having an affair after feeling alone for some time in a now, loveless relationship is the wrong order of doing things. Often, our older children see the events in their family through the perspective of the ‘wronged’ parent. This perspective may derive from an actual failing or may in fact be completely false. Two narratives may still be operational for years.

An earlier section talked about ‘no-fault divorce’ and your joint responsibility to explain the separation to your children. It is important, as your children grow older, that you are up to refining your explanation to meet their ‘refined’ questions as they embark on serious, intimate relationships. As an aside, my youngest daughter just asked me how/when I met her stepmother. Something triggered a question that she needed resolved.

Children need parents, stepparents and grandparents, who have the capacity to frame the past in ways that lead our children and ourselves to a brighter future. I would suggest that you focus on the issue of forgiveness for yourself and your children’s other parent. At some point, one needs to create at worst a business-like relationship with your former intimate partner and be able to engage in needed conversations with your children.

Serious conversations with your older children require perspective, calm, thoughtfulness, reflection, listening skills, making it not about you, while talking about your inner journey.

Communication skills that are conciliatory, invitational and to the point are an important tool for successful co-parenting. Even with the above steps, it can feel like a steep climb because your child may not be ready to hear a modified narrative and is ‘stuck’ still in anger or detachment. The ‘other’ parent may still be in their own state and hindering or even sabotaging progress.

In the end, the rule is that we can only be in control of our reactions and our actions. Be proud of your positive changes and the preparation/hard work that you have done to support your children.

Topics that are a part of each parent-child relationship from a separated family

I married just shy of 22. I have no recollection of any discussion of intimacy, marriage, etc. with my parents or anyone else. I learned, whatever I did learn, through what I observed through my parents and grandparents. In both cases, they remained together (intact) through thick and thin. I suspect that their marriage would not have survived the changing perspective on separating today.

My marital breakdown was a first for my family and as such it had overtones of failure from every corner.

My mother at some point suggested…strongly that I had been spoilt. For years, I have tried to understand her criticism/observation. She and I never made it together to a place where calm had replaced chaos. She and my father died prematurely, in part, from the prolonged chaos of the separation.  (See grandparents’ section)

One of the significant losses from a ‘bad’ separation is that wounded, caring family relationships may never have time to recover i.e. it can feel like everything good from before has been discredited.

 I go back to this theme because unless these conversations take place between parent and child, the unanswered questions remain open wounds with lifelong, negative consequences.

How do you answer the question about a missing dad or mom? How do you answer questions about why there are no paternal grandparents in a grandchild’s life? The questions are more than just a question; they require an answer/explanation that provide an adult understanding, that supports our children and our children’s children to navigate life.

On Hope and Being Dad: Father’s Day 2012

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

On Mon. June 4th my daughter and her husband became parents for the first time as they welcomed Mollie Elizabeth formally into their family. The preparation and anticipation is now the real thing and they now have a new identity as mom and dad, forever more.

Each of us can likely recall those emotional first moments and the commitment that each of us made as new parents to that precious, little person that we soon held in our arms. Like most of you, I still remember the rush of love and joy colliding with the beginning of worry about whether I would be the kind of father that my child needed.

Then, there was less time to worry, only the reality of providing the best start possible…night time feedings, sleep deprivation, and changing diapers.

Our Mollie will be two weeks old on Father’s Day and thus will my son-in-law’s life as Mollie’s dad. I have no doubt that Mollie and he will grow together and that she will always feel and know his love will be her companion.

As I write these words, this grandpa is eagerly anticipating his first walk with his newest granddaughter. She won’t remember, but it will be the first of many joyful memories, memories that grandparents create everywhere we are found.

In our office at Kids ‘n’ Dad, I have a tattered poster given to me by my father when I was eight years old. It shows a youngster playing first base, dreaming about becoming a major leaguer. Sixty years later it continues to be a reminder of his lifelong support that made it possible to navigate the worst of times- the ‘crisis of a separation with children’. I was truly fortunate to have him on my side for over 50 years.

Unfortunately, my dad was lost to us during that difficult ‘crisis’.

Father’s Day can be a very difficult time for many separated families. This past year, Kids ‘n’ Dad lost one of its founding clients/friends to a car accident. He was a deeply committed father and in his short years with his son created many memories that will be part of his son’s life forever. He was a gentle and loving dad.

Father’s Day for a separated dad may be very different than being a dad in an intact family. Most separated dads have experienced the fear of losing their child and the reality of interrupted parenting. They have come face to face with darkness and despair on many occasions. Yet from that despair, I believe that many of us have become more caring and loving fathers.

The difficulty is that one must survive the journey and that is not a certainty.

A few months ago I received an email from a client from several years past. Despair and darkness had surely been part of his travels. Early in his email, he expressed anger at the help that I had provided years ago. His criticism was that I had been too ‘hopeful’ and as such I had not prepared him for what took place.

His words came at a time when I was working with some wonderful men/fathers, who were suffering through interrupted or lost parenting through no fault of their own. I tend to hand out hope in small doses because I know the system is unpredictable at best and frighteningly unjust at worst.

But the question remained- should hope and optimism be a small part of what we provide with the reality check?

Father’s Day for this writer is Family Day. It is a time to celebrate the day that I became a father and the joy that we have made it through the craziness that can go on. At one time, it was only ‘hope’ that sustained me. I tried to do what was necessary to give hope a chance; but hope was what allowed me to fend off the darkness and despair.

Before Christmas, a headline story was about a dad by the name of Joe Chisholm. The mother in a custody dispute had abducted his 2-year-old daughter. The mother and daughter were found 18 years later. Joe Chisholm had done everything to find his child; he had never given up hope. He now has only the ‘hope’ that doing the right things will provide the opportunity for father and his now, young adult daughter to build a life together. (See resources)

The past matters little; the future is all that matters now.

My hope is that all the good dads that have entered my life these past years will find the strength and the path to an involved, caring relationship with their child, whatever their age.  For some, there is only hope to sustain that mission; but I have seen hope turn to a possibility to a reality in my own life and the life of other dads.

To my son-in- law, dad to Mollie Elizabeth, put aside any worries about being a good dad for I know that you will be a wonderful, loving parent. My hope is that I will have many years left as grandpa to enjoy the two of you in play and in laughter.

To all a hopeful and loving Father’s Day!