Category: Parents

Recovery beyond separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Parents

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental?

The questions are never ending.

A personal story: I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and telling parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home – for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill-prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

 I offer this anecdote because situational depression is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out…eventually.

Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In the Resource Hub, there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief-similar to the death of a loved one- may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

Read our post about Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee’s book What about the Kids – a good place to start re: the personal impact of a separation.

Try to find readings that provide spiritual renewal and pragmatic, self-help steps. Moving toward recovery can be slow moving. There are always unexpected, unprepared for triggering events that set us back; recovery is about acquiring the tools that make you more resilient.

Your resiliency is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resiliency will serve you well.

Included in the Resource Hub is research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression – depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Please read the articles related to depression for they have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace.

Many of the readings offered are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting, or relationship problems never encountered.

I found in 2 or 3 key books an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of my family’s life. I considered those books to be lifesaving for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium.

I found comfort that what I thought was happening, had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

The Resource Hub includes recommended books and personal stories that our 800+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal.

How to get started about talking to your kids about the break-up

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

Talking to your children about separating or breaking up is hard to do!

The end of an intimate relationship is often messy; the end of an intimate relationship with children is messy and complicated at best, gut wrenching and devastating at worst.

The decision to end an intimate relationship with children triggers difficult conversations. Unfortunately, for many intimate relationships difficult conversations have been deferred for months, even years. Anger may have replaced caring and support.

Either or both partners may be damaged, wounded, and vulnerable from the loss of caring and goodwill.

The reason for a separation is generally (except for DV) irrelevant to the legal process. The legal concept of no-fault divorce is/was an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. The good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is however a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law, mainly re: the costs.

In an earlier section, I requested that each parent assess their current emotional well-being as they enter this most important, joint initiative of explaining the separating to the children.

You must be prepared for these critical conversations with your children. The no-fault concept is a valuable tool as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation.   

Telling the Children

Our experience working with over 800 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing; a) hate tough conversations; b) may lead to more tears or fighting; c) sense of failure; d)  a desire to avoid open, parental conflict; e) unnecessary, children probably know; f) ill prepared; g) etc.

Not talking to your child (ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy. As parents, you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can.

“This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your changing family”! – Barry Lillie, found, Kids ‘n’ Dad

At the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover the ever-elusive calm from the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent.

Renewal is about optimism for what is achievable. The alternative is simply survival and to live life in an out of chaos, often for years or even a lifetime.

Renewal is doable provided each parent truly takes ownership for what I have discovered from our support for separating parents: namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm the above statement, they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

 Your question to every professional:

 ‘Do you (professional) have the tools to support our family through the chaos and anger, so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families… forever?

Below are a few resources for further reading on this topic. Read the essay by an adult child of a family separation (first link). Included are several comments by children and parents from a split family. I found her essay poignant and profoundly sad!

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference.

a) Remember the no-fault approach.

b) Each parent must do their own assessment prior to a family conference re: the challenges facing each child. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life- please understand this fact. See the different parenting sections in the resources!

c) Once the above step has been done, the parents should compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. The previous step help parents begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.

d) Initially consider the broad strokes of an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions must be answered/explained. A parent who suddenly disappear does not support shared parenting.

An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. This is a trial agreement. Our resources offer ideas on a practical parenting plan and a short-term, financial plan for paying the bills. Be flexible, based on the feedback from the children.

e) The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics – Scary and somewhat unpredictable!

Tips for planning your family conference:

a) If possible, do the conference together (Coloroso). Take as much time as necessary. You have developed a no-fault plan (script) anticipating possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations, where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no fault concept.

    b) If possible, do the explanation conference a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.

    c) Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.

    d) Often, your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.

    e) Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and may enter the family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating may have started months earlier by one parent, and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.

    f) At the conference, the opportunity exists to remind the children that the family continues in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change, but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.

    g) The atmosphere that you create in the meeting allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions. The family meeting provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.

     h)  If the children are quiet (very possible), anticipate questions that are unasked.

     i) Plan a second meeting within a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable. Some of the initial discussion will simply have been a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.

    j) Take a moment to assess your sense of the conference and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.

    k)) Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.

     l)  Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see, hear and imagine everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents and isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is more going on inside the child.

    Questions to be answered from the practical to questions without an answer.

    For some time going forward, every problem with a child may ‘feel’ like it is a consequence of the separation. Remember that intact families have lots of problems. Your changed family life is more complicated for every family relationship; but you are still a parent and have a family.

    The way that you tell the children and set in motion the actual on the ground changes provides a building block – a foundation for what comes next and next and next.

      Common Questions by Children

      1. Where will we live?
      2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
      3. Who will keep me safe?
      4. Will we go to the same school?
      5. Who gets the dog?
      6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
      7. Will we be poor?
      8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
      9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
      10. When will I see mom or dad?
      11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

      Older children may be more pointed!

      1. Why?
      2. Why can’t you work it out?
      3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
      4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

      Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult. There are so many possibilities and for the listener may seem to be a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable.

       The most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or tear into the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

      ‘If you have the courage to do so, simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more; and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

      Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term.  It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that ‘as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period’. 

      This is what I call the mutual, no-fault explanation or the mutual, both parties at fault explanation.  Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long run.

      Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

      It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the cause of their failed, intimate relationship.

       Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation.

      This doesn’t mean they were the cause-only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

       There is a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children.

      The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference.

       Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

      What children need to hear

      Barbara Coloroso (Parenting through Crisis) provides a list of what kids (your kids) need to hear. They are offered as a guide at the beginning of your family’s difficult journey to renewal in two homes.

      Children need to hear:

      • They still have a family.
      • They will have two homes, one with mom and one with dad.
      • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
      • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
      • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them. Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
      • They will never be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
      • They will have the financial support of both parents.

      Every section in this site is intended to support you in your effort to love your children, ahead of your feelings of hurt, anger, loss and despair.

      Telling the children launches your family into uncertain territory, where every relationship is under stress and risk. This may not feel like a step forward, but if done together within the no-fault framework, you have taken a step toward family recovery in a two home setting.

      happy woman with cute girl wearing protective mask and playing with adorable dog in park alley

      What Matters Becomes Clear…Hopefully: Parenting and the pandemic

      On By BarryIn Parents

      ‘…there is no mystery of human behavior that cannot be solved inside your head or your heart.’

      Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

      A recent article in the Globe and Mail (‘Pandemic complicates parental-access battles’ April 11, 2020) suggest lawyers are busier than ever as separated parents clash over changing custody orders for their children.

      The renewed conflict rests on failed logic by mothers and fathers; namely, that dads are incapable of providing a safe environment for their children; and mothers, who work in health care, service industries, etc., are a high risk to their children.

      Mothers and fathers place paramount importance on the safety of their children!

      Parents seeking to change parenting orders already have existing mom’s home/dad’s home, care arrangements, and safety was a settled matter. The parent seeking a change is ‘using’ the judicial system to deliver a blow to the heart of the child’s other parent.

      Parenting trust, that is hard earned and always a work in progress following separation, falls victim, and there is a return to chaos and uncertainty for children, parents and grandparents.

      The family disruption from the 2007-08 financial crisis was a forerunner to the COVID-19 crisis for separated families. The loss of employment, and income reduced to E.I. resulted in conflict over child support and extraordinary expenses for a child’s activities.

      The out of work parent often attempts to cobble together part-time employment that is temporary with unpredictable hours. Parenting schedules for many families were disrupted, at a time when flexibility and reassurance was necessary more than ever.

      For children and parents to remain connected in a crisis, there must be recognition of the challenges that threaten changed families. This is not easy, for many separated parents lost positive communication prior to and since ending their intimate relationship.

      However, the parenting agreement provides guardrails through the terms of co-parenting for the unexpected ‘life getting in the way’ crisis.

      COVID-19 has been from the outset a financial and care of child(ren) crisis. Most separated families have a parent(s) facing loss of income from a prolonged layoff, business closings, and the lack of alternative employment.

      Parents are now available or less available in mom’s house and dad’s house, at a time when everyone feels at risk. Grandparents, who may play a significant role in childcare or simply by being available as needed, are the most at-risk population.

      Adversarial legal actions, described by a local lawyer as ‘blood-sport’, consistently fail to build integral parenting relationships. Decision-making now is being forfeited by parents, who have common goals, namely: to love, protect and be an integral, lifelong parent.

      The Law Commission of Ontario (2010) study found that users (you and I) of Family Law asserted that too often solvable problems became unsolvable outcomes. In other words, the outcomes were not just benign, but often made matters more difficult, often for a lifetime.

      It is difficult to imagine a worst case scenario for disruption and human loss than the COVID-19 crisis. But the cliché about life being too short has never been more appropriate for separated families. 

      Solvable or unsolvable outcomes (2020) for separated parents rest in their ‘heads and hearts’, and the commitment made when they became a mom or dad. In truth, the same commitment was made by each parent on the day they separated and created two homes.

      Going to Court resurrects the common fear in both parents that they are going lose their child to the other parent.

      COVID-19 offers parents an opportunity to model the kind of relationship that our children need and deserve.

      Respectful conversations built on flexibility and maximizing parenting opportunities are rewarded with children not being caught in a destructive, tug of war. Goodwill and trust are built, not lost, by expanding the parenting guardrails.

      The parenting dialogue is initiated by; a) providing the other parent with each other’s safety plan and ideas to make each parent and child comfortable; b) engaging in give and take exchanges about the structure of the child’s day that begins with school instruction, technology usage and enrichment activities; c) each parent creating or expanding on an activity that is their special ‘thing with their child; d) providing an opportunity for the parent and child to enjoy face-time, check-in every day, when they do not have their child;

      Separated families are going to be severely tested over child support, extraordinary expenses, and parenting arrangements. Finding ways to engage the other parent in child focused ways is an opportunity to be the parents you wish to be and leads to a more peaceful approach to settle issues from the pandemic’s fall-out.

      It is a choice!

      ‘Your relationship is only measured by how much your child feels your love, your commitment, and what you’re able to bring to that relationship.’ (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

      Please provide FEEDBACK re: ideas, activities, activities, problems, frustrations, good news stories, etc., that we could share more broadly to support other families in a Mom’s Home, Dad’s Home.

      An Open Letter to Separating Parents re: Child Parenting Arrangements

      On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

      In our You’re Still Dad support group parents often spoke about the issue re: joint custody vs. sole custody. Our experience after almost twenty years working with newly separating parents suggests that the risk to the non-sole custody parent’s relationship with their child is significantly endangered in a sole custody arrangement.

      Occasionally sole custody may be the ‘inevitable’ outcome given certain parenting histories; but it should be the exception whenever possible.

      There are approaches known as parallel parenting that provide protection for either parent from possible high conflict. These plans attempt to identify parenting situations (hopefully) that could lead to conflict.  (See Resources on Parallel Parenting)

      Preventive measures may be necessary until the parents find a calmer place.  In the recommended resource for before and during separation, there is a document detailing situations that may need a focused remedy.

      Separated parents often look back after a few years separated and realize that they were driven by anger and revenge, based on their own vulnerability.

      Advocates for sole custody desire a parenting plan agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and thus each parent would be held accountable for what they signed i.e. the parenting plan. The parents will not argue because decision-making is in one parent’s hands. A parallel parenting agreement can be similar, except for the decision-making protocol.

      The above sounds fine in theory; however, the reality on the ground is often vastly different.

      On sole custody

      Our experience with sole custody suggests that the parent with sole custody believe that they are the parent in control given their power to make parenting decisions for all matters not set out in the parenting plan. The sole custody parent may find certain parenting obligations to be ‘inconvenient ‘and often desire more flexibility as life transitions in many ways e.g. a new partner.

      Sole custody is often viewed as a blank check and the other parent may be left facing a decision of returning to court to enforce an agreement from an already weakened parent/child relationship.

      While it is often the father and the father-child relationship that is endangered, it is the core position of the our work that the mother’s relationship is also at risk over time, as noted from a reading of two attached case resources. It is also a core contention that parents want the best for their children over the long term and are more than capable of loving their child more than they are angry with their former, intimate partner.

      Joint/Shared custody provides a backstop to erratic, punitive behavior. It makes it more difficult for a parent to break the parenting plan terms with near impunity. Shared custody arrangements that are agreed to set a foundation willingly/voluntarily for the long-term parenting relationship.

       A recommended document, Child Custody, Access, and Parental Responsibility (Executive Summary) summarizes the research on the joint custody vs. sole custody debate and positive outcomes vs. negative outcomes for families.

      The author, Edward Kruk U. of B.C. has been an effective advocate for joint custody based on the findings of research that he provides. At the core, his interpretation of the research matches up with any parent’s common sense; namely, that the positive involvement, support and love of each parent and extended family offers every child the best opportunity to navigate life’s challenges following a family breakdown.

      The following is a blend of Dr. Kruk’s research compilation, Alberta’s Parenting After Separation and the decade of work by Kids n Dad Shared Support. It is offered as support for separating parents who want the best outcomes for their children.

      Highlights

      1. Currently, advocates often frame parenting after a separation as a conflict over mother’s rights vs. father’s rights and the core support for each side are feminists and father’s groups. The rhetoric is often harsh and self-serving and leads us down a path nowhere near meeting the needs of their child (ren). Equally disturbing, this approach can lead professionals working with families down a path about choosing one parent over the other parent.

      This is a choice that was never considered when just days before separating the parents were cooperating, parenting partners and each child had two loving parents in their life. The week or even the day before deciding to separate each parent likely had no problem with leaving the child (ren) in the care of the child’s other parent.

      • ‘Research is clear that children fare best in their post separation life when they maintain meaningful, routine parental relationships with both of their parents beyond the constraints of a “visiting” or  “access” relationship…’

      The research also finds that such relationships a) protect children from negative parental conflict; b) provide stable financial support;

      • What is shared or joint custody parenting time?

      The mere fact that this is a question under debate seems somewhat bizarre. After all the children are the parents’ children, not the Court’s property to pontificate over. The state should have some influence on ensuring the parents take their responsibility in a serious way and understand the implications for their children. The child’s view of the world should be understood and considered. Understanding the child’s concerns/wishes provide a basis for the parents’ decision-making.

      The above is stated within the framework that is advocated by others including Dr. Kruk. His research endorses a legal shared responsibility presumption of at least 40% time with each parent. This would only be rebuttable/altered in the case of proven child abuse or domestic violence. Child Abuse and domestic violence would be considered separately.

       It is important to note that 40-45% of first-time abuse occurs after a separation in families with no previous history of such abuse. This suggests that the current path for separating fails separating families. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse in the post –separated family is committed at similar rates by both parents.

                     ‘Recent research finds that inter-parental conflict decreases within shared parenting.’

                      Each parent has a stake in modelling civilized, cooperative relationship with the other parent.

                     The 40% parenting time presumption is a set as a minimum parenting time for each parent.

      • How do children do in joint custody arrangements?” …children in joint custody arrangements fare significantly better on all adjustment measures than children who live in sole custody arrangements.” (Bauserman 2002) Study after study supports this finding and research informs us that a missing or minimal fathering role leads to significantly worse adjustment measures for children from separated families.

      N.B. These are findings from research done from substantial populations. There are many children from separated, sole parent families that do journey through childhood/adolescence successfully.

      Inter-parental cooperation increases over time in shared parenting arrangements! In our work with over 600 clients the ‘great fear’ is the loss of their involvement as a parent with their child. Every parent, moms, and dads have this same fear. For dads it is often more real, more in their face all the time. If the separated parents manage to navigate their way through the anger and risks that often follow, they often settle into a more comfortable relationship.

      The ‘great fear’ is reduced and the partner that we did not trust earlier can be trusted now. Why? Because they want the best for their child. Your parenting goals are now in sync.

      The 40% parenting presumption offers parental respect for the other parent and their importance and their extended family’ importance in the child’s live.

       Consider for a moment what message the current process delivers to one parent. Their struggle is to get one more overnight, one more long weekend, a birthday with their child on their actual birthday, a sense that they matter as a respected parent, etc.;

      • Changing workplace participation has resulted in shared parenting roles in the intact family. Most separated parents believe in a form of ‘joint custody’. This demonstrates a general recognition that the parents need each other to effectively parent their children to meet the responsibilities of career and parenthood.

      There is unfortunately a caveat to the ‘joint custody’ application to parenting plans. The current reality in Canada is that contested cases predominantly end with a form of sole custody. In addition, ‘joint custody’ on the ground reality is that one parent, usually the mother, often end with that parent becoming a de factor sole custody overtime.

      Any combination of factors may contribute to this outcome, but at its core is the fact that the parent with the dominant parenting time  feels entitled to exercise more control and the ‘other parent with less time (3-4 overnights in a 14 day cycle) feels less connected and less important in their child’s life. The ‘other’ parent must often work extremely hard to meet their parenting role as their life moves on to a new family (blended family) or what we call a complicated family. For the ‘other’ parent’ and their child ‘fitting’ into the minority access parent’s home is complex and difficult.

      Joint custody as practiced in Canada disappointingly often becomes another form of sole custody over time. The unequal/ reduced parenting time impacts each parent and states to the child and others in the family circle that the ‘other’ parent is somehow lesser and/or at fault for what has happened.  The best option of shared parenting has often been negated with the first stroke of a parenting agreement that sets out a disparity in parenting time.

      Therefore, the minimum of 40% parenting time is considered to be the ‘best’ foundation for ensuring two parents and two extended family’s participation in each child’s daily life.

      Comments

      This web site is designed to promote best practices for separated families by setting out the rights and responsibilities of parents. Our purpose is not to recommend an approach that is likely to fail parents, children and grandchildren.

      The presumption of 40% parenting time for each parent with their child and for the child with each parent provides the best framework to achieve effective, shared parenting and meet the needs and desires of most children when their parents have decided to separate.

      The parents would negotiate the remaining parenting time based on what makes sense for the changing family. The advantage of the 40% presumption is the ‘trust’ factor that emerges. A parent is more likely to be ‘flexible’ at meeting the child’s and other parent’s ever-changing schedules.

      Parenting plans can basically be what the parents decide. Tools in the Resource Hub lay out several considerations. The resources include the research supporting our advocacy for the 40% minimum. Listen to the voices provided by children, parents and grandparents who describe their lifelong loss; their voices capture their gratefulness at their parents’ choice of civility and cooperation.

      A dad in describing his journey to a parenting plan that was always less than desired or fair found satisfaction that he and his children had reached a place where they now ‘owned’ their relationship. What he could not understand is why the journey took such a toll to reach that place. Owning the relationship with your children should be a given for each parent and extended family. The role of any support service must be to support families in that doable quest.

      An Open Letter to Separated Parents on co-parenting

      On By BarryIn Open Letter, Parents

      ‘Co-parenting depends on setting up new emotional boundaries and allowing your children to have their own emotions, identity, and choices. It requires leaving the past in the past, and focusing on the present and the future. More importantly, it requires never forgetting the vision that you are working together for your children’s greatest benefit’. – Elizabeth Hickey and Elizabeth Dalton, Healing Hearts

      At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we are committed to co-parenting as a core principle and underpinning for the approach set out in this site. Rarely in my work with 800+ families have I come across parenting situations, where a high level of cooperative parenting was impossible.

      The on the ground reality is that effective, co-parenting following a separation is about the parents’ commitment to making it happen. Parenting competency is important, and it is key that each separating parent fills gaps in their parenting resume.

      A few lessons I’ve learned in my work:

      •  Effective communication is/may be less timely and competes with the two parents building new lives, separate from each other.
      • Every intact family has defined their parenting roles based on many different factors. The outcome is parenting that works best for their intact family. Each parent brings to their parenting role similar skills and their own unique or complementary parenting strengths.
      • A separation and co-parenting require that each parent becomes competent in the other parent’s areas of parenting strength. This is not to usurp the other parent, but rather to harmonize the consistency in expectations and routines. All round parenting competency in areas of the other parent’s strength can’t be shrugged off entirely to the other parenting partner.
      •  A separation means that they are no longer your every moment parenting partner. This adjustment requires hard work on each parent’s part; but it is necessary and rewarding. The parenting strength that you observed in the other parent such as patience or warmth through hugs and touching can become part of your parenting DNA

      When I started our little agency, I expected most separating families would have children from the ages of 8-15ish. It was quickly discovered that many of our clients had children, who were toddlers or barely of school age. Consider for a moment the parenting challenges faced by these parents (many of you) and their families to build inclusive, family homes for their children that will endure for a lifetime. It is clearly a daunting task that commences from the moment parents decide to separate.

      Effective parenting in the changed family is about building two homes and creating a ‘new normal’ for your children. It doesn’t have to be identical, nor should it be; but it does need to be two homes where calm reigns over chaos and where children know that their parents are committed to their well-being.

      Parenting after a separation has never ending resources and our intention is to set out a selection of resources that support effective co-parenting for different ages and stages of children. Reread the opening passage of our vision of being a parent. The awesome responsibility is understood from the moment your child is placed in your arms; and confirmed daily as they move through infancy to toddler to school age to adolescence to young adulthood. Providing for their needs and creating opportunities is the centrepiece of your transformed life. Take a few moments to reflect on those ‘simpler’ times because that ‘can do’ optimism and commitment is now required more than ever.

      We employ the term ‘renewal’ deliberately to capture what the parenting process is all about. We are not marriage counsellors, but the process recommended provides time for sober, second thoughts.  Remember that you are both parents, and your children need you more than ever.

      Search out the different essays, research, and articles listed in the parenting section of the Resource Hub. There will be motivated to become better educated and parenting courses for changed parenting. will be many additional resources from professionals for your consideration.

      In the recommended resources you will find a selection of professional comments on parenting through a separation.

      Parenting for family renewal

      Parenting through a separation is more difficult than in an intact family. Parenting is simultaneously difficult and rewarding in the best of circumstances; but in a separating family tension between the parents and the end of intimacy may adversely influence every family relationship.

      To have the best opportunity for parenting success, children must know that they are loved and valued in each parent’s home. This requires the endorsement of the ‘other’ parent by the ‘other’ parent. Remembering that you are the ‘other’ parent may help in accomplishing desired goals for your child.

      A parent can give out negative vibes in many ways to their children when their child sets off to their other home and return to their other home. Negative vibes = abusive behavior directed not only at the other parent but at your child. Research suggests that children of divorce often feel that they don’t belong in either home over time. Our mission, as parents imposing a changing family structure on our child, must be to build inclusive family relationships.

      Inclusiveness does not occur when parents are smothering or needy or negative. Renewal is built from recognizing both parents’ love for their child and the complementary strengths of each parent. Reread the article: After my parents divorced… for more.

      Building trust

      It is important to build parenting trust. This means trying to maintain schedules and minimizing irritants around clothing and toys left at the other parents’ home.

      Keep a visible schedule in both homes of overnights and all other activities. This can be done by computer and a master schedule can minimize too many intrusions into the other parent’s changing life.

      A scheduled, bi-weekly conversation during the early months is advisable. This could eventually become monthly. Following a conversation, the parents could decide to seek out their child’s input re: any modifications.

      Changes should be only about the calendar, not about changing the basics of parenting time. The latter could seriously breech parenting trust.

      Managing common issues

      • There is a risk that normal responsibilities assigned as learning tools for your children in an intact family are abandoned in one or both homes after separating. That is not unusual, but unfortunate. The fear of alienating your child through enforcement of responsibilities is common for many families.
      •  An earlier section identifies the ‘common fear’ of separating parents. Feeling like you are one short step from child rebellion and losing your child to the other parent is a major concern…and leads to ineffective parenting.
      • Parents need to come together through parenting conversations on topics of responsibilities and discipline. A common approach would be supportive of each other ‘in the long run’ and to be honest the long run is what this is all about. That is a difficult approach to accept by both newly and longer term separated families.
      • A problem re: parenting differences may be an extension already apparent in the intact family. In some cases the differences are fundamental gaps in parenting philosophy. To employ an oversimplification, one parent is more permissive, and the other parent is punishment centred. Consider the differences in your parenting style in the intact family and try to anticipate what differences are likely to be tested in the two homes scenario. This could lead to a preventative conversation.
      • As a general rule, the parent with parenting responsibility on specific days determines the rules, etc., within their household. The other parents don’t have the authority/power to change that under normal circumstances. If the child is at risk in the other parent’s home, the parent is obligated to seek out a protective remedy. It is recommended, if there is a growing concern that has been ignored or stonewalled, a professional therapist should be employed. Options should be included in any parenting plan.
      • Parenting differences may occur at any age, but probably feel riskier with tweens to mid adolescence youth. These are children that can change their residence by simply walking to the other home. I have rarely, actually never, met a ‘other parent’ who would not welcome their ‘troubled’ child at least once. It is occasionally done as a joint, parenting decision; often though it may be viewed as an opportunity by a parent with less parenting time. It may occur through the recommendation of a child counsellor. The change of residence almost always creates parenting havoc and requires understanding. For some parents, the unexpected arrival of an older child places strains on second relationships. (see section on blended/complicated families)
      • Parents need to pay attention to routines such as bedtimes, mealtimes and getting ready for school. Two homes often have different schedules for routine day to day ‘stuff’. Getting up in the morning; eating times or sit down together time; activity level; delegating responsibility; hugging and comforting each other; bedtimes and how it happens; staying informed of each other’s whereabouts and availability; a  more than passable acquaintance of the children’s friends and parents; etc.
      •  Harmonizing routines (above areas) are a good thing, but often difficult to accomplish. Children do adjust to changes in school routines all the time. However, you need to be patient and alert to how your child is coping. Remember the ultimate parenting challenge is ensuring that your child feels like they are welcomed and belong in the family home that you are creating.
      •  In the intact family, there has been a history of ‘working out’ schedules for your children- especially young children. Remember the earlier observation re: the number of families separating with pre-toddler and primary age children.
      • A separation creates two homes with each parent needing to work out appropriate schedules that MUST be met. Children departing a school bus must be met; a JK child must be picked up on time afterschool- work schedule blips be dammed. All is doable!
      • One parent may be less competent at managing these kinds of details. Some fathers have defaulted that management task to their parenting partner in the intact family.
      •  A default position doesn’t work for the two-home family, if that parent wants to be the full parenting partner recommended here. Again, this is all doable, but may require an attitude change.
      • One of the most significant changes in parenting from an intact family for some parents is that they must take on the role of a full player in every way.
      • While we insist on full information flow on all matters children, it does not preclude full, on-site participation as a mother or father for the full range of activities and appointments for your child. You are going to be busier than you have ever been!
      • The impact of a separation on our job is very real. The intact family has likely found ongoing supports and a working formula. It may not be ideal and requires constant tweaking or even reconstruction. It is however a joint effort.
      •  As a separating parent with a less than flexible parenting schedule, you face serious obstacles. A simple example for some separated parents revolves around employment at big box stores. In many cases an employee (parent) is required to work 3 weekends per month. Most parenting agreements are based on alternate weekends. Our experience suggests that a separated parent could lose 1/3 of their weekend parenting time. If you are a parent with less than equal time, this is a devastating consequence.
      • Explaining money priorities to your children is a difficult task. This can mean that parents miss extra activities because they ‘choose’ to work (overtime) to help meet financial responsibilities. The same family income prior to separating is inadequate to meet the financial obligations of two homes.
      • Parenting plans need to be precise and realistic about extraordinary expenses. For some parents it is a choice between rebuilding a parenting relationship or becoming a less consequential parent. This has negative consequences for the child.
      • Parents must guard against shifting parenting responsibility for younger children care to an older sibling. While there are growth outcomes, there are also inherent risks. A few of those risks include a) a parent not making the required change in their own life to be an effective parent; b) the child losing out on being a child/teen; c) an older child does not have the life experience to be a parent; d) older child sees the parent as selfish and using them to build a new, social life- free of the marriage.
      • Separated parents must find their own parenting rhythm and create new traditions in their home. I am particularly fond of the parent, who built the tradition of reading books every evening with their child. The story goes that that they went 14 years without missing. They created a special, new tradition and it became part of their relationship forever. Every parent can build their own connection(s) with each of their children.
      • It is important to have/allow pictures that connect the past of the family to the present and future. In our work on parenting plans, many parents, usually dads, unknowingly fail to seek out copies of family pictures upon separating.
      •  Both parents are keepers of the family history, and both homes should have the visual connectedness. Obviously, there must be discretion in the choices made, but this step is important and sends a positive message to your children and is a reminder of better times with your children’s other parent. A child should have their own place to visually keep pictures etc. of their other parent.
      • Children often watch for signs of reconciliation. Guard against giving children false expectation. If one parent constantly gives out such a signal to their child, they are doing a disservice to their child. Often, they may unconsciously be using their child to apply pressure on the other parent.
      • Parenting through a separation can sometimes feel grinding/waring. Try to include in your weekly routine fun activities, as well as completing homework. Try to find creative opportunities. In the attachments are a list of low-cost activities.
      • Try to find opportunities for one to one activities/conversation with each child. This requires an emotionally healthy you. Stability and predictability are cornerstones of the family structure that you are trying to build in the early months and years following a separation.
      • Informing and receiving updates re: your child from key players in your child’s life should become part of your routine. These players would be teachers, coaches and significant others. It is important to attend all parents’ nights, and if possible, supervise school trips. Know your child’s friends and be acquainted with their parents. Sleepovers for youngish children adds a degree of normalcy, fun and flexibility. Don’t outsource supervision.
      • Whenever possible, see your children off with a kiss, hug and optimism; welcome them home with enthusiasm and interest in their day.
      • Start to rebuild your relationship with past friends and make new friends. Your children are (re) assessing who you are in this changed family. A separated parent can become isolated from the wider world. It is important that your child see you in different settings and observe that you are well liked, appreciated and respected by others.
      •  Have difficult conversations with relatives and friends, who have distanced themselves. State your needs as a parent and your expectation/desire that they should continue to be your friend and welcome your children as your children.
      • An important, but not completely understood (at least by me at the time), is that each parent is now tasked with shaping the building of a new home with their children. Your child’s in-house time with you (day-to-day parenting) varies, but it does not mitigate your changed parenting role.
      •  It is a mindset that many parents, but perhaps dads more than mothers, fail to grasp. Life is not just in transition for your children because it seems that way to you!

      Search out the appropriate resources

      Be proud of yourself for taking this new role seriously. Other sections of our site focus on the changing role of mothers and fathers following a separating. Understanding the challenges of each other helps us to be sensitive to their parenting approach; also, it allows you to anticipate what may be coming at you and your children.

      Forgive yourself for being an all too human parent. There is a wonderful quality that captures what you need to be an effective separated parent: RESILIENCY!

      An open letter to separated dads

      On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

      “‘I like to see [my son] before the game. It makes me whole. He doesn’t watch the game out there. He watches in the back. For me, I tell him I love him. He tells me good luck. We have a talk. You’ve got a good thing like that going. I give him a kiss. You have that in your life, what have you got to be mad about. You go out and do your job with ease.’ (Kyle Lowry – basketball player, Toronto Sun Dec. 25, 2014

      Fathers

      Kyle Lowry captures the transformation that becoming a dad brought to his life. It changed and balanced his priorities– it broughttrue meaning to the rest of his life.

      Every dad understands his words and relate to the transformation that takes place.

      Talking about fathers is a complicated task, for many of us became a dad in many ways and through many diverse relationships. As such, the impact of separating may differ substantially, and the challenges faced to be an effective dad are different.

      Our common starting point, however, must be remembered always and the continuation of that father-child relationship is crucial. Our common fear/risk must also be remembered; namely, that a separation from the other parent could lead to losing the relationship with our child.

      While what I call the ‘fear’ may find a home in both parents, the on the ground reality for a dad is likely more real and more concerning.

      There will be an opportunity to hear the words (voices) of fathers engaged in the everyday struggle to be an effective and loving parent.

      Listen to the voices to understand the challenges; listen to be an inspired parent that provides your children with the gifts of character that are the best of you and may become the best in your child; listen to learn the tools necessary to be an effective parent and how you can acquire those needed skills.

      Tools for fathering in a single parent household

      • Kids ‘n’ Dad’s approach is that the term single parent is inappropriately employed and may have an unfortunate consequence of becoming a self-fulfilling outcome.
      •  Every intact family creates two single parent homes and how it plays itself out for each family is to be determined. Marginalizing the other parent always works against the best interests of the children.
      • While we strongly endorse the presumption of a minimum of 40% parenting time for each parent, the reality at this point in time is this is not taking place. The imbalance (besides the effects on the child) has significant consequences on fathers in terms of the psychological/emotional impact, financial assets to provide desired opportunities for their child; and a sense of their long-term impact on raising their child.
      • The starting point must be to assess realistically the challenges that you face in your new single, parent household-i.e. the terms/conditions for setting up a home! As an aside, I did a terrible job of building a home for my children in the early weeks, months and even for two+ years. It could have cost me dearly.
      • Many dads, even with a middle-class income, probably are ill-prepared for the financial impact of a separation. Most families with children spend to their limits; any long-term savings coming from an appreciating home and contribution to a defined pension plan. Most families have credit card debt and car loans. I know that you get the picture.
      • Our Resources also aim to provide guidance on the a more cost efficient way to preserve your family assets to build two households.

      Navigating the legal system

      The legal system is not built around or for the separating dad and ensuring a strong, every day father-child relationship.

      • A working dad with income below $60,000 before taxes is likely to be squeezed and face on-going debt.
      • Do a realistic financial check-up! Assess what you need to build a new household. Make the necessary adjustments to goal setting. Try not to get into financial disputes with your child’s mother. They are likely no longer interested in your woes. They would rather find someone to listen to their woes.
      • Don’t involve the children in your financial disputes. Find alternative activities and opportunities, if necessary. Grandparents may provide opportunities for your children and basics for you. Grandparents can be complicated relationships in a separation.  Check out the Resource Hub Grandparents section for more.
      • This financial warning must be heard and heeded. You must be realistic and in this section there are ways to be an effective parent in cost efficient ways. These are the voices of other dads.
      • Being a dad in an intact home is very different than in a separating family. It is likely that no one was an overseer in the intact home. Your role as a dad had evolved and become a norm in which the parent- child relationship carried on. For most homes there was an agreed to comfort level.
      • Separating changes the agreed to comfort level/norm. Working toward a new normal is what the separating process is all about. Some fathers find their previously accepted parenting style under attack in the separating family.
      • In an earlier section on telling the children about the separation, it was suggested that you need to assess your relationship with each child- strengths, weaknesses, concerns- in order to be an effective dad.
      • Reflect on the months preceding the actual separation and whether the intimate partner separating that began much earlier had consequences on your parenting relationship with each child. That would not be uncommon for a dad.
      • As you work your way through this section make a list of the changes about to occur in your life. What do you need to support you through the next day or week or months to immediately become a supportive parent? Where can I find such support?
      • Talk to your employer about possible flexibility in work schedule re: meeting children’s schedules, while a more structured plan is put in place. Research suggests that the initial weeks and months are critical for separating fathers and their children.
      • In the old days (me), dads tended to move out of the family home. It is often not thought out and done out of a sense of failure and even caretaking. It is still occurring; but it is not recommended; unless an interim parenting plan is already agreed to by both parents.
      • Leaving the family home without the children and any firm parenting agreement begins your complicated, new parenting regime. Often our new/temporary place has no room for our children. Grandparents may or may not be an option depending on their age, location and relationship.

      My personal experience after close to 25 years of marriage was that I was ill-prepared to live in a single household for the first time in my life. Even when my daughter came to live with me almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home. Everything was second hand i.e. legs falling off furniture, etc. I didn’t want my youngest daughter to stay with me for my place was so inadequate. Take a moment and think about my mistakes (a few listed below).

      1. Self-sacrifice at my personal expense. I thought I deserved to be punished; b) Penalized my youngest daughter and endangered my relationship with her by not doing sleepovers immediately; c) I had not thought out any parenting plan; d) I went into caretaking mode by thinking I could cope with anything. That was not true; e) Fill in any additional observations for me or yourself!

      Steps

      Rule 1

      • Find yourself a suitable place to be a continuing parent from the very beginning! This is a must. Think through your options. Talk to the children about the choices or proudly show them your new place and their bedroom, etc.
      • Don’t leave the intact home without a recognized parenting plan and a suitable place to go!

      Rule 2

      • The suggestions in Rule 1 are intended to reduce the unpredictability, when one becomes a separated dad. Work through the additional parenting disruptions that must be covered off from day one. Your mindset must change!

       The reality is that unpredictability is likely going to be your constant companion for every personal relationship.

      • Consider that parenting routines may be gone immediately. Attending dance classes, hockey or ringette three days after separating is a formidable challenge. Seeing your children go off with the other parent is an emotional challenge.
      • Informing parents, best friends, colleagues and bosses of your separation and new address, contact number may feel intrusive and may result in self-doubt or feelings of anger or betrayal, if their response fails to meet your expectation.

      Rule 3

      • Fathers may reflect on their role in the separating family. As stated earlier, in every family the parents have found their own way of shared parenting. Any number of factors including work, ages and needs of children have been a determining factor.
      • The role of being a dad is more essential and difficult in the separating and changed family!
      • Your role as dad was not challenged in the intact family. Your effectiveness maybe, but not who you are to the children! Your effectiveness may now be challenged and your love for the children may not be enough to sustain the relationship that your children and you need.
      • The default position is not a viable option. An intact home where the mother dominated decision-making and everything children is not a positive option going forward. It may have the consequence of children without their father in their life in a meaningful way.
      • If you were the kind of father that accepted taking your cues from the mother in the intact home, you have a lot of parenting preparation work to do. You may also face verbal or even legal assaults that you were not the primary parent; thus, you should now be even less of a parent.
      •  What was a more than acceptable role in the intact family is now working against you.

      “Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship that you have with your children during the marriage.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

      Rule 4

      ‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ (Dr. Benjamin Spock)

      • Sound advice for both parents is perhaps more important for separating fathers. Normal conflict in an intact family can become escalated conflict in a separated family. The bad old ways that parents dealt with conflict over the years are no longer acceptable.
      • For a separating dad, some of these ways may be abusive or just as important considered abusive. Effective co-parenting does not thrive in an abusive relationship. The fault does not really matter; the consequences do.
      • Building more effective ways to talk to each other on parenting issues is a key tool. In our parenting section, there are some rules re: behavior necessary for effective co-parenting. In addition, there are several resources on co-parenting.
      • Effective co-parenting requires compromise. Fathers, who had lost their voice in the intact family on parenting concerns, may find that their voice is an unwanted intrusion to the mother. This can lead to more open conflict, reduced cooperation or simply fleeing day to day parenting. In all instances the children lose and as such the parents lose if their goal is to love their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
      • Courses and counselling programs are available for parents who find themselves repeatedly at odds.

      Rule 5

      • Effective parenting following a separation is a moving target. Every relationship with your child is subject to the different stages of each child. Some we are prepared for, others may present unique challenges.
      • Many parents separate with children of toddler age or younger. A father from these families faced in years past a judicial approach that refused overnight stays for children before the age of four. While this has changed somewhat, it may be a factor found in assessments for the Courts. You also cannot legislate against judicial bias or a mother’s determination that she is the primary care parent.
      • As a separated father, you must prepare to be an effective parent and fill in any gaps in your parenting comfort level, especially, with younger children.
      • Every parent has gaps in their parenting resume. Own it and then do something about making it your strength!
      • Many dads express the importance of their daughters in their lives. They feel very close and protective. Research (often outdated or biased) in this area would suggest that fathers are less effective and needed as their daughters’ transition through the tween, adolescence and young adult stages of development. There is a moving away from healthy closeness. If this is followed then the father-daughter relationship is at risk during a critical moment in their daughter’s life.
      • A dad is more than capable of understanding and learning to become comfortable with their daughter’s transition into womanhood. If your daughter is uncomfortable with certain conversations, then supporting her to have her own family doctor, female school counsellor, etc.
      • My oldest daughter lived with me for the first years of my separation (age 16-18). I messed up on occasion, but she knew that I would always be there for her. That helped us build a relationship for a lifetime, through whatever.

      Rule 6

      ‘Fathers that have their own special needs face obstacles to parenting their children. It is as if the community has decided that they are incapable of loving their children or of being loved by their children.’ – Barry Lillie, founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

      • Many dads who deal with mental health issues, disabilities and extreme poverty are often left out of the parenting loop. In an intact family, a parent’s illness would be an opportunity for caring and understanding for a child.
      • Parenting would not be considered impossible because a parent doesn’t have the resources to have an appropriate residence.
      • Most shelters for men/fathers are unsuitable for children. Protective shelters for kids and dad are virtually non-existent and receive virtually zero funding. Consider the messages delivered to children about their dad through the way our community supports a separated dad, especially one who has pre-existing health issues.
      • There is a wonderful film based on a true story called the Pursuit of Happyness. The father takes his child to a House of Friendship men’s shelter.

      Rule 7

      For all of the above rules, there is no certainty that the outcomes are going to be what you want for your children in their journey from childhood to adulthood. Of course, they are uncertain in an intact family, but a separated parent may feel more responsibility for less than ideal outcomes.

      • So hanging in is Rule 7. I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this web site. I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren. I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way. There was such a defining crisis. I always thought- hang in. Be ‘relentless’ in a patient way.
      • I apologize for the hanging in counselling. But when you receive advice or feel the need to flee consider a time-out and the steps necessary for your personal recovery.
      • While many of our resources advocate shared parenting (40% minimum), many clients have built wonderful, enduring relationships with their children with considerably less parenting time. My standard for the minimum parenting time is whether you are confident that you are able to build an enduring relationship that will continue into adulthood. I would not accept any parenting agreement that didn’t provide that opportunity.
      • For some dads, the parenting insult is all consuming. Feeling insulted is understandable; but you cannot allow your sense of injustice to interfere with being an effective parent. The risk is that there are common outcomes for most children of a separation (reread After My Parents Divorced) and eventually teens may make decisions re: their access to you or the other parent. It is too easy to become obsessed with the injustice.
      • Some dads surrender in order to survive. Living without their children and a legal fight without end is unbearable. If you are in this situation, you must get help. Survival is primary, then you build a life from that step. Your children will survive and some part of you is always part of them. I know that adult children are often better equipped to understand what happened to their family based on their own life experiences.
      • You are a role model for your children. They do observe and what they observe can be your gift to them on how to handle adversity and treatment of others.
      • I often say that I would never wish what my family went through to happen to anyone. However, in my calmer moments, I believe that I am a better parent and person for having gone through the chaos. The opening quote from Kyle Lowry makes clear what is important in life.
      • Parenting perfection doesn’t exist in the intact or changed family. Learn to forgive yourself and your child’s other parent. There is a big picture, the long game for separating parents. Try to keep it in mind when facing challenges. Don’t get so thrown off that you run away from parenting opportunities.
      • Don’t disappear or even worse become an in and out parent. It is difficult for even the best of ‘other’ parents to encourage parenting relationships in such circumstances.
      • It is easy to give up too soon. Situational depression is real for dads facing reduced parenting, loss of supports and living outside the family home.
      • Some dads are angry with their children in their teens. They expect more from them when they choose not to follow the access schedule. Teens are different. Read the section on teens and on alienation. Don’t give up on them! Everyone is wounded, even in the friendliest of separations with children. Children did not participate in the decision to separate.

      Protecting Your Child as a Non-custodial Dad

      Finally, many dads may face a high conflict parenting situation over access and care of the children.

      What do you do? Authorities may see safety concerns about the mother’s parenting as a ploy re: trying to win custody of the child. F&CS are however obligated to do an assessment. You need to keep a record of concerns and the steps you have taken. You will likely not become aware of F&CS findings.

       In addition, a report may lead to a backlash by the mother and that could lead to a set of not so happy outcomes: a) interrupted access, initiated by the mother, even against the current parenting plan; b) your child’s being caught in the middle- interview by F&CS and targeted by the mother; c) confrontations on any child exchanges- high risk for abusive confrontations that can change parenting arrangements.

      In our work and on a personal journey, assessing your child’s risk in the other home is extremely difficult. You can be found by authorities, such as F&CS or therapists, that you are ‘interrogating’ your child and putting words in their mouths. This is a concern.

      My advice is that you must do your own evaluation. Remember that your idea of risk is quite possibly not the view of high risk by F&CS.

       I failed my younger daughter because I was unable to find a way to protect her. I was on the outside and the chaos overwhelmed me. It is my personal shame. In the end, a counsellor for my daughter made a change of residence happen at the age of 17. My daughter was then in her mid-adolescence and the chaos for her diminished.

      As important, more calm allowed each parent- child relationship to be renewed in the long-term.

      If what you see is high risk, then you must do what I failed to do. Seek the resources to intervene. There are lawyers who specialize in F&CS cases; there are child therapists (do your research), who place the child ahead of gender;

      Do it with caution and for the best reason. You will have satisfied the most important quality of being a dad; namely, protecting your child!

       I made a commitment on the day my daughter came to live with me that I would never fail her again. It was the same commitment that I made to her when she was placed in my arms in the birthing room. The same commitment made by every dad who has graced my life.

       I have kept that promise.

      “The greatest gift that you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”  – Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

      I have yet to meet a father, who with the right support, cannot be an amazing dad…for a lifetime!

      Please read over the resources for parents and selected voices of dads and others.

      School Days Can Be About Opportunity

      On By BarryIn After Separation, Parents

      As a former teacher (it seems so long ago), I still see the approach of Labour Day through the perspective of gearing up for ‘life’s about to change’. As a parent and grandparent, the return to predictability and certainty offers a promise of order to day-to day life.

      For newly separating and separated families the struggles can be difficult as new parenting patterns may not yet be established. Some parents and grandparents may suddenly face loss in their day-to-day, relationship with their child and grandchild.

      The return to school should be viewed as an opportunity to build enduring, supportive relationships for parents and grandparents.

      PA Days and school day trips provide additional opportunities for a parent or grandparent to have ‘special time’ with their child or grandchild. For a parent (often a dad), the opportunity for a child to see their father in a different setting is rewarding and builds ‘integral’ relationships between parent and child.

      Recently I went to see a film called 8th Grade. It was about a young girl in her last week before graduating to high school i.e. a transition to an entirely different space. She is being raised by her dad- and we observe, through the dad’s painful efforts, that they are unable to talk about anything meaningful.

       The film has an understated father-daughter theme. But in truth it is a universal, parent-daughter or parent-son theme.

       Near the film’s end is a conversation between daughter (in crisis) and her dad that is a ‘must be viewed and heard’ as they struggle to make each other understand how they feel about each other.

      It is words and/or deeds that build enduring relationships, that too often go missing because of the way families separate. Kids n Dad suggests that parents and grandparents plan to take advantage of the opportunities offered by the new school year to build a more enduring, supportive relationship.

       I guarantee that during the school year you will have the opportunity to be the parent that you wish to be- just like the dad in 8th Grade.

      School Days Are (Soon) Here Again                                

      Summer is still with us and I am trying to focus your attention on the upcoming school year. A new school year often presents change upon change for newly separating and separated families. What was once viewed as joyful changes in an intact family are now challenges that make parenting more complicated e.g. a family moves to a new home in a new school district? For our children of every age change has serious implications- making new friends/losing old friends; etc.

      Kids ‘n’ Dad tries to focus separated parents on the new school year. We believe in limiting surprises in the school year that may lead to unwanted parenting conflict that impacts your children. The school year is an opportunity for separating parents to restore some order/predictability and calm to their children’s lives and to their own lives.

      The new school year may be especially difficult emotionally for newly separating families. It can be like the first Christmas with its emotional connections, good memories and now the loneliness of being a parent absent from the excitement of the actual event. It is a clarifying moment for everyone that family life has changed…forever. 

      It is also an expensive time with new activities beginning and schools often asking for additional fees for this or that. Many of our parents continue to face economic difficulties that are part of the current economic environment. Separated families rarely have enough income to support a dad’s home and a mom’s home and it often comes down to hard choices about your children’s activities in the upcoming year.

      The Globe and Mail published an essay (After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine. It belonged to them. -June 5 2013) by a young woman who wrote about the aloneness of being a child of divorce.

      She grew up feeling like an outsider in her parents’ homes and later in their subsequent families. Her letter stopped me in my tracks. I thought about my own children and the children of our clients, who are struggling with that same loneliness and lack of belonging. My point is that doing this school thing right is part of overcoming what happened to this young woman as she grew up.

       ‘As parents we have a responsibility to ensure that our children feel included in each home and that each home is participating in their daily life. School is an integral part of that life.’  (KND)

      Ideas to consider for the upcoming school year

      Compile a personal list for your family. Each family has their own unique set of challenges, but a common set of desired outcomes!

      • Both parents must, together or independently, establish a relationship with their child’s teachers and school. If the separation is new, then a school visit is an imperative. The school is going to be a main source of information re: your child’s transition from an intact family.
      • Plan to attend school activities. Co-operate to ensure that one or both of you are available for every activity. Include supervising on a school trip as a volunteer. Establish a schedule to share your children’s activities. If the ‘together’ thing is too difficult then work out parallel arrangement that works.
      • MEET THE TEACHER NIGHT IS COMING UP! Ensure that you attend the ‘meet the teacher’ and all other parents’ nights, especially report card meetings. Do not count on the other parent to be the conveyor of information. If need be give the school postage prepaid envelopes with your mailing address for your child’s Report Card, newsletters, etc. Schools are RARELY proactive in ensuring that BOTH PARENTS receive all info. I know many separated parents who have never seen their child’s report card with all the valuable info on their child.
      • If your child’s teacher is hesitant to provide duplicate material, be courteous but also insistent and follow through. Each parent needs to be in a position to help their child with their homework, etc. Many fathers who often have less than 40% parenting time may prefer only to do ‘fun’ activities. You can do both; you should do both.
      • Make sure that you are up-to-date on your child’s school friends. If your child (ren) are of an age suitable to have a friend sleep over then these school friends form a likely pool of candidates. Your involvement in your child’s school activities allows you to meet other parents and create a comfort level for them and the children.
      • Attend extracurricular activities that are outside the school- e.g. dance, hockey, and ringette. RESPECT the other parent on those nights that are their access nights. Do not make participation by both parents a problem. Set a good example for your children.
      • Plan out a co-operative parenting schedule. Respect it! Abide by it! The schedule is the LAW UNLESS BOTH PARENTS AGREE TO A CHANGE! YOU CANNOT SIMPLY DEMAND A CHANGE!
      • If changes need to be made then consider a process to make that happen. It could be done through a mediator if you are unable to make it happen cooperatively.
      • Expenses need to be talked through and not simply a bill handed over with a demand. Dads in many cases need to know that school aged children cost money and that these expenses may be separate from the question of access and child support payments. Primary care parents need to know that denying access damages your children and is against the law.
      • I mentioned last year my concern re: the use of Facebook, Twitter, etc. to take verbal shots at a former partner. These concerns remain an alarming and disturbing development. These verbal potshots are in reality not only an attack on your child’s other parent but also upon your child. They are simply unproductive for everyone. This is absolutely unacceptable! It is embarrassing/hurtful to your child and is making public what is essentially a private family matter.  Another aspect of the use of the social media is the potential misuse and risk to our children. If we as the parents are hooked on Facebook and messaging, why wouldn’t we expect our children to model themselves in the same way? The problem is that most children are without the life experiences that we bring to social networking. This is particularly a problem for children in the tween age bracket. In separate families children of this age may rely on these friends even more and also have more time alone, etc. As such the good aspect of a child cell phone (safety, ready availability) may become lost to the negative side (vulnerability and obsession). Go on line, educate yourself on the risks to your adolescent and develop a strategy that works for your family.
      • If you are newly separated don’t be afraid to initiate a meeting(s) as necessary with a key teacher/mentor/coach to your child. They can watch over your child and encourage participation and friendships.
      • Finally, if you have a new partner during the school year, take it slow and easy. Understand possible reactions of your child; deal with your former partner in a mature, honest and sensitive manner. Read up on possible reactions. Ask your new partner to be patient as you try to work out the new family dynamics.
      • PA Days offer an opportunity for additional parenting time for some parents and could be included in Parenting Plans. Cooperating parents can reduce before and/or after school costs by sharing in providing care to their child. In addition grandparents – especially paternal grandparents who may now have reduced time with grandchildren-can also be included in school year planning. They provide a sense of belonging to grandchildren.
      • FINALLY acknowledge the other parent’s flexibility. Acknowledge each other’s flexibility. Your children will notice.

      I used to say that parenting through a separation is a marathon, not a sprint. I have adapted my thinking- separation is a series of sprints that hopefully add up to the completion of the marathon. Just when you think there is a comfortable pattern, life gets in the way. Life in the way can be a remarriage or a move or a job loss/ financial crisis or a child in crisis or…. Every separated family in every school year is likely going to face a difficult change(s) that may trigger a crisis. The challenge is to figure out a process to accommodate the crisis.

      As separated parents we have an obligation to find solutions to those ‘life gets in the way’ happenings. The school year is an opportunity for parents to model for their child a cooperative relationship that demonstrates the parents’ love for their child- a love that survives all challenges on life’s journey.

      Parenting Responsibilities: A Code of Conduct Template

      On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

      The following is a sample template for a Code of Conduct for use in co-parenting:

      The parents agree to the best of their ability to follow the code of conduct set out below in order to ensure that ____________ and   ____________  have the best opportunity to grow into happy, resilient and responsible young adults.

      A New Family Bill of Rights (from Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House)

      • Each child has the right to have two homes where she is cherished and given the opportunity to develop normally.
      • Each child has the right to a meaningful, nurturing relationship with each parent.
      • Each parent and child has the right to call themselves a family regardless of how the parent’s time is divided.
      • Each parent has the responsibility and right to contribute to the raising of his or her child.
      • Each child has the right to competent parents and to be free from hearing, observing, or being part of their parents’ arguments or problems with one another.
      • Each parent has the right to his or her own private life and territory and to raise the children without unreasonable interference from the other parent.

      What Kids Need To Hear (from Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis)

      • They still have a family.
      • They will have two homes, one with Mom and one with Dad.
      • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
      • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
      • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them.
      • Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
      • They will not be asked to choose one parent over the other, to act as a messenger or as a spy.
      • They will not be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
      • They will have the financial support of both parents.

      Parent 1:                                                                          Parent 2:

      .

      Resource Recap: Judith Wallerstein on child development

      On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation, Parents

      This post is part two of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts: book overview and Telling the Children for more.

      The book by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

      This summary article focuses in particular on divorce and child development from infancy to young adulthood.

      Zero to Three

      • Most couples report that pregnancy is some of the happiest times of the marriage.
      • The arrival of the baby can act as a rival that can threaten the marriage.
      • The husband can feel hurt and angry if the wife spends more time and energy on the baby and ignores the husband.
      • The baby needs to establish confidence in the world around them and feel safe and secure.
      • Babies are sensitive to conflicts and tensions around them.
      • If a baby witness anger they will cry and shows signs of distress.
      • They may reject being fed or refuse going to sleep.
      • Postpartum depression is also a serious concern for the parents and they should seek professional advice if it occurs.
      • If the baby is restless, colicky or does not respond well to be comforted then the impacts of the divorce/troubled marriage are more severe.
      • There can be delays in the baby’s development.
      • The atmosphere that the parents creates for the child is important. Safety and trust are key or otherwise the child may feel unsafe, unprotected or helpless.
      • For the first few months it is important to be calm with yourself and around the baby.
      • For the early months you should get to know and love your child. The child needs to know they can absolutely count on you.
      • The parent- child bond needs time to grow
      • The mother’s ability to provide a supply of milk to the baby also depends on her being relaxed.
      • The father child relationship also needs support from the mother in the early months and years.
      • If one parent moves out the primary carve-giver should explain to the child that they will be back soon.
      • Babies are aware when a person they are used to seeing is gone.
      • Play with the father is important- young children look forward to this playful roughhousing.
      • Despite any difficulties between the parents they should both look to play an active role in the baby’s life.
      • Sometimes it might be needed to get help from another relative such as your mother or an in-law.
      • New caregivers should be eased in gradually into the child’s life.
      • They should be familiar with your baby and the routine that is in place.
      • A baby or toddler should not be put into daycare until at least a few months after the breakup. The child will need time to get used to the new setting.
      • Pay close attention to the child’s temperament for changes indicate the struggle that they may be dealing with.
      • Sometimes other obligations may need to be put on hold.
      • The parents should do their best to support each other despite their differences.
      • You should be loving and kind to your self. Remember and do those activities that provided relief for you in past stressful occasions. It is not a selfish step.

      Three-, Four-, and Five-Year-Olds

      • Children at this age tend to think the adults in their life are in control of everything.
      • A divorce can disturb the child’s sense of a secure world where all their needs are met.
      • They may wonder what will happen to them, who will feed them and who will take care of them.
      • Children at this age don’t comprehend how long a day or week is. When they don’t see someone for a week they think that person is gone for good.
      • They also don’t understand the sudden moodiness or irritability in parents or why they are no longer available for the activities the child used to enjoy such as being tucked in at night.
      • A child at this age wouldn’t understand that some disruptions in their routine may only be temporary.
      • They may wonder if one parent can leave the other, can both parents leave me? This is one of their main worries at this time.
      • The child can one day wake and suddenly one of the parents is gone. The child rarely knows about the divorce ahead of time. This is not uncommon especially if there is a triggering event. This can sometimes lead to long-term estrangement and alienation between a parent and child, especially if the child is 10+.
      • It is important to reassure the child that both parents are still there for them.
      • Younger children have few ways to comfort themselves and so they suffer more than older children.
      • The child can cling to the primary caregiver and refuse to stay in the daycare.
      • Their life at this time is high in anxiety.
      • Young children can be likely to believe that they are the cause of the divorce.
      • Children are not yet able to comprehend that two people can have differing opinions and personal differences.

      Active Parenting Steps for this age group

      • Children at this age are very responsive to comforting. Soothing words and hugs are helpful but not always enough.
      • Children need more of their parent’s time because they are afraid they will be abandoned like the parents abandoned each other.
      • One of the best things to do for the child is to keep all the same routines going from before the divorce.
      • If the child is in day care, it might be helpful to spend a little more time with them at the beginning of the day before leaving from work.
      • It is also important to be on time when picking them up.
      • The parent should make an effort to stay at home most weeknights and spend time with the child.
      • The child should be encouraged to play with you and other children.
      • When you tuck in the child assure them you’ll be there in the morning to greet them.
      • If the child is fretful or asks for you to spend more time with them, you should do it.
      • Children like a routine and predictability. Let them know about something they can look forward to in the coming days.
      • A child needs a parent who can relax their fears about being abandoned.
      • It is okay to sleep with a child who is afraid of being alone or request it; but it should not be a regular routine. An important part of growing up is also learning independence and to separate from the parents at night.  If this continues for a prolonged period it will be very difficult for the child to fall asleep alone.
      • Younger children do better if any changes are introduced slowly.
      • Children who are resilient can handle multiple changes more easily- not many adults are resilient enough, nor are children at this age.
      • If you cannot take time off work or reduce your working hours it is important to find someone else who can provide affectionate care such as an in- law or your parents. The person left in charge should share your same values about how to care for the child. Difficult separations unfortunately often add one set of grandparents to the loss of essential relationships to children.
      • Sometimes older children may take on additional responsibilities.
      • Sometimes you can come home once in a while unannounced to check in.

      Parenting Plans

      Their parenting style needs to be more hands on and active in this age range.

      • The parents when creating an interim parenting plan and eventually a permanent plan need to consider carefully the child’schanging needs.
      • For a separated dad this may require changes in their time commitment to their child at a time when finances may be an issue. In some ways there is a dilemma for fathers who are paying substantial child support and what is suggested that they should do as a parent.

      Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

      • It is a good idea to tell the child ahead of time about the separation.
      • “We both love you and will continue taking care of you” is a reassuring phrase for the child to hear.
      • Remember that abandonment is one of their main fears.
      • When you put the child to bed at night remind them you are close by, such as in the other room.
      • After you drop them off at daycare remind them you (or someone else) will be there to pick them up.
      • The child may also need to be reassured that both parents are well taken care of too. If dad is not there anymore the child may wonder if he is okay.
      • When travelling between the two homes treat the child with great tenderness and sensitivity.
      • What is just a short trip for the parent may be very frightening journey for the child.
      • It might be helpful to treat the transitions to the new home like the first day of school. Maybe point out the new landmarks on the way, like a church or store. This can make the journey less frightening.
      • If they enjoy this activity you can teach them to count things along the way like houses, blocks or mail boxes. A counting game can build confidence and take their mind off their worries.
      • Children are not just worried about leaving home but also returning.
      • Reassure the child you will be there when they get back. A phrase like “have a wonderful time” can be helpful.
      • It is good if the child knows what they will be doing with the other parent ahead of time.
      • Marking days on a calendar so they know where they will be spending which day is helpful. At five years old number skills and a grasp of time are better developed.
      • It is important to always repeat that you are there for the child and not going anywhere.

      See our other resources on telling the children.

      Six-, Seven-, And Eight-Year-Olds

      • Children at this time are living in two worlds. One is at home with you and the other is at school with his friends.
      • Now they begin to learn that games have rules and they can’t be changed.
      • They are having their first encounter with the discipline of the classroom and demands of learning.
      • They begin to understand more that mom and dad don’t control the world.
      • They are now capable of amusing themselves and feeding themselves if the parent puts out the food.  They can also go to sleep on their own.
      • If the divorce occurs at this time one of the biggest fears of the child is that his recent social advances may fail. Bedwetting and thumb sucking can reappear.  Regressing suddenly in many previously acquires skills/stages are not uncommon. Hopefully they will be short-lived through parental care over anger and criticisn by either or both parents.
      • In order for their development to continue they need to feel secure and that they have a family they can count in.
      • They may feel angry and cranky and have difficulty focusing on school work.  It may also lead to violent behaviour and isolate them from other children at school.
      • They may worry that when they arrive at home you won’t be there.
      • If the dad is late to pick them up at an agreed time then they may think he will never arrive.
      • If mom is late coming home then they may think that mom has disappeared.
      • Whereas the fear in younger children might be “who will feed me” the fear now might be “where are my parents”.
      • The main reactions to divorce at this age tend to show up in the classroom or playground.
      • Their grades in school can suffer after a divorce and some children can lose up to a year.
      • At this age reading is the primary task that children learn, and it is made more difficult.
      • They may be afraid of one parent finding another family and that they will be replaced.
      • At this age children will still blame themselves for the divorce.
      • Children won’t make a connection between conflict and divorce.
      • Most parents will assume that a child at seven years old will recognize that arguments mean there is trouble in the marriage, but this is not the case.
      • The interim parenting plan almost always has one parent leaving the matrimonial home, even if the residence (home) is eventually sold. Most often it is the father unless the mother has left and taken the children to her parents’ home or to a temporary shelter.
      • Contact with the dad should quickly be arranged to reassure them that dad has not left for another family.
      • The father should set up a home where the child can visit and reside for parts of the week.
      • The visit to the new home should occur within a week or so of the breakup.
      • The child should be told as soon as possible about any new schedules of visitation.
      • If problem behaviours occur at school, it is important to sit down with the teacher and tell them about the divorce. The parent and the teacher need to work out a plan together for the child.
      • It is important to remember that the child is hurting and needs support. Patience and understanding are needed.
      • When the child’s behaviour improves you should reward them and give hem praise.
      • The child needs to get back to their regular activities.
      • Continuing their work in the classroom and making friends is important in their development.
      • Sleepovers, birthday parties and other events with friends are important.
      • Extracurricular activities are important to maintain as well.
      • The child should know the phone number of both parents and how to each them. The school should also know which parent to call in case of an accident or disruption in school.
      • Children at this age still need a lot of care. The regular schedule should continue to be maintained and reassurance should continue to be given.
      • Almost all the activities mentioned above are interrupted for the child in the early weeks and months as they attempt to sort out even the basics of separated life with children.

      Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

      • Children still need to hear all the same things as younger children: the divorce is not their fault and both parents still love and care for them.
      • They should also be encouraged with their school work and given help when needed.
      • Children may also need advice about handling problems they may have with friends or at school.
      • If the child is disruptive at school, they should be told that the behavior can’t be tolerated. Don’t let the child boss you around.
      • Boys may become disruptive at home or acting like their father. If they begin to yell then they should firmly be told to stop.
      • Children at this time have high anxiety so routines or appointments should not be changed abruptly.
      • Supporting the child’s extracurricular activities and friendships should be a priority. For example, paying for lessons or buying sports equipment.
      • Transportation is important for the events as well. If neither parent can drive them then perhaps ask another relative. If it is ultimately impossible then explain to the child how sorry you are and when things settle down you will try to make sure someone is available.
      • Children at this age may feel like they can’t have any friends over because there are no adults in the house after school. It is important to find someone who can be there at leas once a week to greet and supervise the child and their friends.
      • The child needs encouragement from both parents to continue learning and enjoying new activities.
      • Parents can understand a child’s reasonable reaction by thinking about their reaction to not having an in-house parenting partner and a life that in the early stages is so busy and complicated.

      Nine-and Ten-Year-Olds

      • Children at this age are in a new development stage. They are being drawn out further away from home and more into the world of their peers.
      • They can think for themselves and keep it separate from what others believe. They have more independence and responsibility.
      • They have also reached a skeptical stage where they may be critical of teachers and other adults. They expect adults to earn their respect.
      • Children at this age can think better about the future and moral issues.
      • They might get bored with the company of their parents and prefer to spend time with peers or other adults with specialized skills such as a coach.
      • They can read other people’s mood more accurately.
      • They begin to understand abstract concepts more and can understand their own behaviour and that of others.
      • With a divorce they will be upset with the disruptions in their home life.
      • They aren’t as concerned about who will take care of their physical needs as younger children.
      • The child expects the parents to provide the foundation for their life. To help support them but more “behind the scenes”. The child likes to take the center stage.
      • The divorce takes the attention away from the child.
      • Children at this age are more competent and can sense that adolescence is coming up soon.
      • While children may appeal cool on the surface about the divorce, the anxiety levels are likely quite high.

      Anger

      As you read this section, be aware that you are entering the most ‘dangerous’ stage for parent-child estrangement or alienation. It is important to read the section on Alienation/Estrangement on parental behaviors that contribute to these tragic outcomes. Children are most vulnerable to a parent’s failings as they enter this and later stages.

      • The child believes they are the center of the family.
      • A key reaction to the divorce is anger.
      • The anger can be directed to one parent or both. They are upset they are not the center of attention anymore.
      • The child is afraid of losing the parents and the support they provide for the child’s development and growth.
      • The child may enlist younger siblings and begin to criticize the parents more.
      • They may begin to act more like the boss of the house.
      • The anger can become a problem at school and result in behaviours such as truancy, petty theft, or siding with one parent over the other.
      • The real goal is to force the parents to reverse the divorce.
      • The anger is usually directed to whichever parent the child feels is most responsible for the divorce.
      • The parent who gets attacked may not even be responsible for the divorce.
      • A life time of loving care can change overnight from the child’s anger.
      • They don’t understand the feeling and reasons that have led to the divorce.
      • The child at this age can be good at playing one parent against the other in order to get what they want. This works even better when the parents are divorced since there is less contact between the parents.
      • Each parent should make the rules in their own household.
      • If the stories the child says about one parent are ignored they will often stop.
      • The parents should not be drawn into the good guy, bad guy games the child might want to play.
      • It can be hard to see the anger from your child and being told that you are selfish.

      Compassion

      • Even with the anger children at this age are worried about their parents.
      • They are learning to read body language and can be fairly accurate.
      • They may be eager to comfort you, hug you or sit beside you when you look like you are down.
      • Morality is important at this age and children care about what is right and wrong.
      • A growing child wants to respect his parents and see them as virtuous. When they see a parent doing something ‘wrong” it can cause them a great deal of suffering.
      • If the parent is involved in infidelity for example the child will confront them on it.
      • There is often considerable moral ambiguity for a child as well as parents who often send mixed and complicated messages i.e. I still love your mother (dad), but we can’t live together any longer.
      • While the child is a part of an ongoing family they feel safe and comfortable. This is threatened by the divorce.

      Possible Steps

      • Clear rules against rude language, hitting and yelling should be insisted upon for both at school and at home.
      • It is important for the child to feel that the parent is in control.
      • Don’t become defensive and get caught in accusations.
      • Children at this age can form their own thoughts. Saying something against you doesn’t mean they were coached by the other parent (ex).
      • It is important to explain to the child that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. During the accusations it is possible you might lose your temper and yell at the child. That is okay but you should apologize afterwards and explain why it upset you.
      • Try not to feel guilty as a result of the accusations.
      • Time outs can sometimes help to deal with aggressive children.
      • Other children can get more withdrawn instead. They may prefer to just watch TV alone.
      • Some children may take a step back in development and they need serious attention if this happens. Professional help may sometimes be needed.
      • If the child is withdrawn, ask if they are sad or worried and why. Get more details from them. Maybe somebody at school is the cause.  See if there is anyway that you can help.
      • Contacting the teacher to see how they are at school can be helpful.
      • The school can have a list of experts who work with children or the pediatrician can be helpful as well.
      • If you consider taking your child to someone, look at their training and experience first. See if you can arrange to talk with the person first and then decide if they a re a good fit.
      • Help should be sought out prior to the onset of adolescence if it is needed.
      • Parents who continue to fight or talk negatively about the other parent can be subject to a child’s rejection. The chances are that the negative words don’t match up with the child’s reality. It takes constant verbal abuse (alienation) to emotionally reject their other parent.
      • Parents need to treat each other with civility.
      • You want the child to grow up and be moral and considerate in their relationships.
      • Some parents forget the importance of being a role model after divorce.
      • It is an important time to behave morally and sensibly.
      • Moral authority is needed to help guide the child into adolescence.
      • New love affairs are better kept discreet for the time being. Children at this age won’t have the frame of reference to understand or sympathize with you. In our section on ‘Blended families’ there is a discussion about dating and telling the children and the children’s other parent.
      • If the ex has left and made no attempts to contact the children, it is important to comfort them and be honest with them.

      Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

      • Talk with your child about current and future plans that might include their friends or make plans with other families to go out and have fun.
      • If the child engages in theft, take them back to the store right away to return the items.
      • If the child is truant at school, make sure they know attending school is a non-negotiable expectation.
      • Be clear and direct about what is expected in terms of behaviour.
      • If the child is blaming one of the parents for the divorce, don’t try to explain how they are wrong or try to offer more details about the breakup. Sit the child down and tell them when things settle down you can explain more.
      • Acknowledge any concern from your child or efforts to help. “It means a lot to me that you are concerned. You are a wonderful son/daughter and I love you”.
      • Keep an eye on the child’s schedule and make sure they have enough time for play and friends.
      • Cultivate a sense of ongoing family as soon as possible. The purpose of the FRRP.
      • Set up recreational activities you can do together such as: camping, dining, bowling.
      • Include your child’s friends when possible.
      • The parents can each help the child on homework and assignments. The task can be divided up based on each parent’s strength.
      • Set an example of courage, honesty and respect for your child. At this age they can keep you on your toes in being strong and maintain high ethical standards.
      • Children at this age can tolerate being away from you for a day or two. After the first year it is okay to give yourself the occasional weekend off to relax and recharge.
      • Don’t overreact to a child’s anger.
      • Your job is to protect the child and keep them on course to adolescence.
      • They need structure, kindness and rules. They need to understand the post divorce family is still strong and stable.

      Eleven-, Twelve-, and Thirteen-Year-Olds

      • The reaction to divorce at this age can be anything and varied. The adolescent might be in full blown panic or show indifference. Either way they are likely to be surprised or taken aback by the news.
      • They are capable of shielding their feelings from you and themselves.
      • After twelve to twenty hours the initial panic tends to subside.
      • Some children may have the impulse to run away.
      • There is a lack of age-related symptoms in this group. The behaviours shown by children of this age can be more difficult to manage.
      • Next to early childhood this is maybe the most hazardous time for a child to experience divorce.
      • The most common reaction can be a rush into risky teenage behaviour.
      • They may believe the divorce has lessened the rules and lifted constraints, so they may get involved in more risky behavior. This includes unprotected sex and drug use.
      • There can also be a denial that there is any effect on them from the divorce. It is more common in children who do well in school where they get a lot of recognition.
      • Some children indeed do seem unaffected and continue to move forward as usual. At a later time they may be willing to talk about it.
      • If the child is doing well in school and does appear to be unaffected there is no need to force a conversation. Instead wait for them to come to you.
      • If you can recapture your old feeling during adolescence you will have a better idea of what the child is feeling.
      • There are differences in development between the genders. In general, both will experience hormonal changes, rising sexual urges and a need for more independence and separation.
      • Risks seem to excite them, and their judgment is poor.
      • Children need a strong stable family and good parenting.
      • No matter how you announce it, divorce weakens the family.
      • Two parents living separately is not a secure family.
      • The parents might be focusing more on themselves and the divorce and less on the child. The child can feel alone and unprotected.
      • Without the active guidance and strict limits from adults’ adolescents can be more tempted into trouble behaviour by peers.
      • There are all kinds of groups and cliques in the late grades and high school and the child will be tempted to join one of them.
      • The child will find it difficult to talk to the parents about their anxiety since the parents are also dealing with their own issues.
      • If the child feels like the world is collapsing they are more likely to be drawn into trouble behaviour.
      • Children from divorced families are more easily influenced than those from intact families.
      • Girls in particular can have more, mood fluctuations. Support from the parents is important and they need to hear what growing up is like, and the importance of self esteem. They need boundaries that will keep them safe.
      • They need to hear from their father about what growing up was like and that there is more to becoming a man than just getting muscles.
      • Again while these are standard observations for adolescents in an intact family as well, the evidence suggests that the risks are heightened for separating families. It also can lead to a parental blame game. In addition children in these early adolescent stages can become receptive to choosing the ‘other’ parent. There is an alternative out there for many.

      Possible Steps

      • Try to keep the home as safe as possible and keep routines as consistent as you can.
      • Enforce the rules and teach them to look and listen instead of making quick judgments and acting on impulse.
      • A general expectation should apply; namely, that the care parent specifically, and the other parent hopefully will know where the child is. But the same expectation is true for the adolescent child- they too know where their parents are and have access to reaching them. I believed strongly in that expectation in my intact family, in my co-parenting family and in my reconstituted family. Adolescents often need you and rarely are those times predictable or on your schedule. It is called choosing to be a parent.
      • Coming home nightly to an empty house can terrify them.
      • Without home supervision they can get into risky behaviours.
      • Try to provide some structure at home.
      • Too much freedom is not helpful to the child at this time.
      • It might be possible to provide some kind of job for them such as babysitting.
      • If the child works for you, you should pay a standard rate.
      • Volunteer work in the community can also be helpful. It can help to build a sense of responsibility and compassion.
      • Kids at this age can learn to do simple cooking, gardening and cleaning.
      • A cell phone can be a good tool for children who don’t come straight home from school. It is important to know where the children are but not to ask too many details as they may feel you don’t trust them. When they check in thank them and let them know you appreciate it.
      • If you are held up somewhere and will be late you should also let the child know. Extend the same courtesy you would expect from them and lead by example.

      Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

      • Although the child may pretend that they understand certain adult issues, at this time it is likely beyond their comprehension.
      • If the child asks you about any new partners or affairs you shouldn’t lie to the child, but keep details to a minimum.
      • It is important to have conversations with your child. Even if it feels they are not listening they can hear your message. You are showing that you do have interest in them.
      • There are rules and you expect the child to follow the standard of behaviour you have layed out. It is easier to talk with your child if you have a closer relationship. Use humour if you can.
      • Don’t withdraw even if they appear not to listen.
      • It’s important to talk about moral issues but also be honest with your mistakes if they point them out.
      • Moms can help daughters by being a loving sympathetic parent, not a buddy. Listen patiently as they tell you about any problems they may have.
      • Dads can also have a close relationship with their sons. A boy at this age needs a parent to respect, not a pal.
      • Both genders need parents who are not afraid to talk about moral values, love, friendships and loyalty,
      • If the child finds out about an affair you had before the divorce they may confront you on it. It’s important to be honest about it.
      • Your goal is that your child feels comfortable in asking questions and getting straight answers.
      •  Both parents should discuss birth control and safe sex.
      • Children need actual information on these issues and not just prohibitions from their parents.
      • Children also need to be taught about drugs, smoking and alcohol.
      • It is important to keep the children on track and make sure they grow up into moral and loving adults.
      • Adolescence can be a perilous time for every child and even more so when the family is weakened by divorce.
      • Keep communication open with your child. They should know you are ready to talk and listen if they have any problems.

      See our post on separation and older children for more on development stages.

      An Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation

      On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Before Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

      The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

      Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.

      The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.

      How alienation happens

      It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.

      How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.

      The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.

       It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.

      Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.

      In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling.  The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.

      Case study: Penny and her parents

      Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court.  As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.

      The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!

       Comments on the case

      The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.

      The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.

      It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.

      The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.

      The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.

      Note the following about Penny’s case

      • The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
      • The tragic impact on their daughter;
      • The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
      • The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
      • The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
      • Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
      • The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
      • The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
      • Grandparents’ loss over the years.

      There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge.  He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.

      What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.

      In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.

      Alienation or estrangement?

      How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.

       If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.

      The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.

      The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.

      The legal system and alienation

      False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.

       Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).

      A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.

      The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.

      A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.

      Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness

      Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.

      Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.

      While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts   for future parenting.

      These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.