The book What about the Kids by Judith Wallenstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes on telling the children that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

• This conversation raises the curtain on the changed family, therefore it requires careful thought.
• Call two family meetings rather than one to make sure each child has a chance to understand what has been said.
• Just as your life will never be the same after the breakup, divorce is a critical turning point for each of your children.
• Even the littlest ones sense the difference.
• If you want your children to feel protected and secure, you must provide that security and protection for them.
• Most children want the marriage to be preserved and feel better protected by two-parent families.
• Many children are content in a marriage that the parents find unhappy or unfulfilling. They don’t know or don’t care if their parents are sleeping in different rooms, beds, or haven’t communicated for a long time.
• Some grown children of divorce confess with embarrassment that they still hold wishes that their parents would get back together.  
• Holidays, neighbours, etc. are cherished memories that last many years and are brought up when grown children reminisce on when speaking frankly about their parents’ divorce.
• The most important thing to do is to tell your children what is happening in the family before it all comes apart.
• Tell them about your plans before you separate, that way they have preparation and support from you once they wake up and realize one parent is gone.
• If your children are five or younger, it is best to tell them a day or two before you separate.
• If your children are school aged, a few days to a week before will help them assimilate what you say.
• Adolescents often know before the parents even tell them, but you should still tell them at least two weeks before. This way they have the opportunity to talk to their best friends about what is happening and figure out what it means for them and what happens next.
• Your goal is to assure them that you’re looking out for their best interest starting from the beginning.
• Chose a quiet time when you and the children have plenty of time to talk.
• Plan to tell your children when both you and your spouse are home for the next few days or the weekend.
• If you and your spouse can’t cooperate, tell the children separately taking turns, going one right after the other.
• You owe your children the gift of civility and cooperation at this transformative stage in their lives.
• Grown children of divorce often fear being too happy. This fear is related to the feelings they experienced during their parents’ divorce. The stun of the divorce made them then embed in their minds the kind of fatalism about the fragility of relationships.
• Your children will always remember how you acted in this juncture in their lives.
• You must spell out differences that your children can understand.
• Telling the truth doesn’t mean you scapegoat or deprecate each other to your children.
• Stay cool when telling your children and explain to them that during divorces people often get upset and blame each other.
• Tell your children that you tried to fix the marriage and didn’t just act impulsively, irrationally and foolishly. Explain to them that you tried very hard.   
• Be honest and show respect for the gravity or the situation because this gives your children permission to show their hurt and anger about the situation. This is crucial because it allows them to cry.
• Your children will do anything to not rock the boat more in the situation. They love you and wish to care for you, and realize it is a crisis for at least one of you.
• Explain to them that you will always have a family, it will just look different.
• You owe your child the honest expression of your feelings and the freedom not to be a soldier in your battle.
• Your job is to educate them about right and wrong and help them express their anger and sorrow along with yours.
• If your child is ten of eleven and there has been an infidelity, if you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together any longer. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.
• Let them tell you about their worry of losing you, about strange ideas of being put in a foster home, and not having funds for college, etc.
• Try to help them say what they’re scared of or relieved about.
• Describe to them what your plans are in terms of where the children will live and plans about custody and visiting.
• Ask them about their ideas and comments and promise to take them into consideration.
• Be sure to make them not feel like inanimate objects which are simply distributed between two homes.
• Maintain whatever stability that you can help preserve to help them adjust to the inevitable changes.
• Tell them that these changes, although sad, can be a growth experience for you and your child.
• Be sure to tell them your decisions, ask for their opinions, said you’re sorry, and laid out what is about to happen.
• Be sure to clearly lay out what will happen for life in the post-divorce family – considering where they will live, when they will see each other, etc.