Tag: parenting

Resource Recap: Judith Wallerstein on child development

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation, Parents

This post is part two of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts: book overview and Telling the Children for more.

The book by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

This summary article focuses in particular on divorce and child development from infancy to young adulthood.

Zero to Three

  • Most couples report that pregnancy is some of the happiest times of the marriage.
  • The arrival of the baby can act as a rival that can threaten the marriage.
  • The husband can feel hurt and angry if the wife spends more time and energy on the baby and ignores the husband.
  • The baby needs to establish confidence in the world around them and feel safe and secure.
  • Babies are sensitive to conflicts and tensions around them.
  • If a baby witness anger they will cry and shows signs of distress.
  • They may reject being fed or refuse going to sleep.
  • Postpartum depression is also a serious concern for the parents and they should seek professional advice if it occurs.
  • If the baby is restless, colicky or does not respond well to be comforted then the impacts of the divorce/troubled marriage are more severe.
  • There can be delays in the baby’s development.
  • The atmosphere that the parents creates for the child is important. Safety and trust are key or otherwise the child may feel unsafe, unprotected or helpless.
  • For the first few months it is important to be calm with yourself and around the baby.
  • For the early months you should get to know and love your child. The child needs to know they can absolutely count on you.
  • The parent- child bond needs time to grow
  • The mother’s ability to provide a supply of milk to the baby also depends on her being relaxed.
  • The father child relationship also needs support from the mother in the early months and years.
  • If one parent moves out the primary carve-giver should explain to the child that they will be back soon.
  • Babies are aware when a person they are used to seeing is gone.
  • Play with the father is important- young children look forward to this playful roughhousing.
  • Despite any difficulties between the parents they should both look to play an active role in the baby’s life.
  • Sometimes it might be needed to get help from another relative such as your mother or an in-law.
  • New caregivers should be eased in gradually into the child’s life.
  • They should be familiar with your baby and the routine that is in place.
  • A baby or toddler should not be put into daycare until at least a few months after the breakup. The child will need time to get used to the new setting.
  • Pay close attention to the child’s temperament for changes indicate the struggle that they may be dealing with.
  • Sometimes other obligations may need to be put on hold.
  • The parents should do their best to support each other despite their differences.
  • You should be loving and kind to your self. Remember and do those activities that provided relief for you in past stressful occasions. It is not a selfish step.

Three-, Four-, and Five-Year-Olds

  • Children at this age tend to think the adults in their life are in control of everything.
  • A divorce can disturb the child’s sense of a secure world where all their needs are met.
  • They may wonder what will happen to them, who will feed them and who will take care of them.
  • Children at this age don’t comprehend how long a day or week is. When they don’t see someone for a week they think that person is gone for good.
  • They also don’t understand the sudden moodiness or irritability in parents or why they are no longer available for the activities the child used to enjoy such as being tucked in at night.
  • A child at this age wouldn’t understand that some disruptions in their routine may only be temporary.
  • They may wonder if one parent can leave the other, can both parents leave me? This is one of their main worries at this time.
  • The child can one day wake and suddenly one of the parents is gone. The child rarely knows about the divorce ahead of time. This is not uncommon especially if there is a triggering event. This can sometimes lead to long-term estrangement and alienation between a parent and child, especially if the child is 10+.
  • It is important to reassure the child that both parents are still there for them.
  • Younger children have few ways to comfort themselves and so they suffer more than older children.
  • The child can cling to the primary caregiver and refuse to stay in the daycare.
  • Their life at this time is high in anxiety.
  • Young children can be likely to believe that they are the cause of the divorce.
  • Children are not yet able to comprehend that two people can have differing opinions and personal differences.

Active Parenting Steps for this age group

  • Children at this age are very responsive to comforting. Soothing words and hugs are helpful but not always enough.
  • Children need more of their parent’s time because they are afraid they will be abandoned like the parents abandoned each other.
  • One of the best things to do for the child is to keep all the same routines going from before the divorce.
  • If the child is in day care, it might be helpful to spend a little more time with them at the beginning of the day before leaving from work.
  • It is also important to be on time when picking them up.
  • The parent should make an effort to stay at home most weeknights and spend time with the child.
  • The child should be encouraged to play with you and other children.
  • When you tuck in the child assure them you’ll be there in the morning to greet them.
  • If the child is fretful or asks for you to spend more time with them, you should do it.
  • Children like a routine and predictability. Let them know about something they can look forward to in the coming days.
  • A child needs a parent who can relax their fears about being abandoned.
  • It is okay to sleep with a child who is afraid of being alone or request it; but it should not be a regular routine. An important part of growing up is also learning independence and to separate from the parents at night.  If this continues for a prolonged period it will be very difficult for the child to fall asleep alone.
  • Younger children do better if any changes are introduced slowly.
  • Children who are resilient can handle multiple changes more easily- not many adults are resilient enough, nor are children at this age.
  • If you cannot take time off work or reduce your working hours it is important to find someone else who can provide affectionate care such as an in- law or your parents. The person left in charge should share your same values about how to care for the child. Difficult separations unfortunately often add one set of grandparents to the loss of essential relationships to children.
  • Sometimes older children may take on additional responsibilities.
  • Sometimes you can come home once in a while unannounced to check in.

Parenting Plans

Their parenting style needs to be more hands on and active in this age range.

  • The parents when creating an interim parenting plan and eventually a permanent plan need to consider carefully the child’schanging needs.
  • For a separated dad this may require changes in their time commitment to their child at a time when finances may be an issue. In some ways there is a dilemma for fathers who are paying substantial child support and what is suggested that they should do as a parent.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • It is a good idea to tell the child ahead of time about the separation.
  • “We both love you and will continue taking care of you” is a reassuring phrase for the child to hear.
  • Remember that abandonment is one of their main fears.
  • When you put the child to bed at night remind them you are close by, such as in the other room.
  • After you drop them off at daycare remind them you (or someone else) will be there to pick them up.
  • The child may also need to be reassured that both parents are well taken care of too. If dad is not there anymore the child may wonder if he is okay.
  • When travelling between the two homes treat the child with great tenderness and sensitivity.
  • What is just a short trip for the parent may be very frightening journey for the child.
  • It might be helpful to treat the transitions to the new home like the first day of school. Maybe point out the new landmarks on the way, like a church or store. This can make the journey less frightening.
  • If they enjoy this activity you can teach them to count things along the way like houses, blocks or mail boxes. A counting game can build confidence and take their mind off their worries.
  • Children are not just worried about leaving home but also returning.
  • Reassure the child you will be there when they get back. A phrase like “have a wonderful time” can be helpful.
  • It is good if the child knows what they will be doing with the other parent ahead of time.
  • Marking days on a calendar so they know where they will be spending which day is helpful. At five years old number skills and a grasp of time are better developed.
  • It is important to always repeat that you are there for the child and not going anywhere.

See our other resources on telling the children.

Six-, Seven-, And Eight-Year-Olds

  • Children at this time are living in two worlds. One is at home with you and the other is at school with his friends.
  • Now they begin to learn that games have rules and they can’t be changed.
  • They are having their first encounter with the discipline of the classroom and demands of learning.
  • They begin to understand more that mom and dad don’t control the world.
  • They are now capable of amusing themselves and feeding themselves if the parent puts out the food.  They can also go to sleep on their own.
  • If the divorce occurs at this time one of the biggest fears of the child is that his recent social advances may fail. Bedwetting and thumb sucking can reappear.  Regressing suddenly in many previously acquires skills/stages are not uncommon. Hopefully they will be short-lived through parental care over anger and criticisn by either or both parents.
  • In order for their development to continue they need to feel secure and that they have a family they can count in.
  • They may feel angry and cranky and have difficulty focusing on school work.  It may also lead to violent behaviour and isolate them from other children at school.
  • They may worry that when they arrive at home you won’t be there.
  • If the dad is late to pick them up at an agreed time then they may think he will never arrive.
  • If mom is late coming home then they may think that mom has disappeared.
  • Whereas the fear in younger children might be “who will feed me” the fear now might be “where are my parents”.
  • The main reactions to divorce at this age tend to show up in the classroom or playground.
  • Their grades in school can suffer after a divorce and some children can lose up to a year.
  • At this age reading is the primary task that children learn, and it is made more difficult.
  • They may be afraid of one parent finding another family and that they will be replaced.
  • At this age children will still blame themselves for the divorce.
  • Children won’t make a connection between conflict and divorce.
  • Most parents will assume that a child at seven years old will recognize that arguments mean there is trouble in the marriage, but this is not the case.
  • The interim parenting plan almost always has one parent leaving the matrimonial home, even if the residence (home) is eventually sold. Most often it is the father unless the mother has left and taken the children to her parents’ home or to a temporary shelter.
  • Contact with the dad should quickly be arranged to reassure them that dad has not left for another family.
  • The father should set up a home where the child can visit and reside for parts of the week.
  • The visit to the new home should occur within a week or so of the breakup.
  • The child should be told as soon as possible about any new schedules of visitation.
  • If problem behaviours occur at school, it is important to sit down with the teacher and tell them about the divorce. The parent and the teacher need to work out a plan together for the child.
  • It is important to remember that the child is hurting and needs support. Patience and understanding are needed.
  • When the child’s behaviour improves you should reward them and give hem praise.
  • The child needs to get back to their regular activities.
  • Continuing their work in the classroom and making friends is important in their development.
  • Sleepovers, birthday parties and other events with friends are important.
  • Extracurricular activities are important to maintain as well.
  • The child should know the phone number of both parents and how to each them. The school should also know which parent to call in case of an accident or disruption in school.
  • Children at this age still need a lot of care. The regular schedule should continue to be maintained and reassurance should continue to be given.
  • Almost all the activities mentioned above are interrupted for the child in the early weeks and months as they attempt to sort out even the basics of separated life with children.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • Children still need to hear all the same things as younger children: the divorce is not their fault and both parents still love and care for them.
  • They should also be encouraged with their school work and given help when needed.
  • Children may also need advice about handling problems they may have with friends or at school.
  • If the child is disruptive at school, they should be told that the behavior can’t be tolerated. Don’t let the child boss you around.
  • Boys may become disruptive at home or acting like their father. If they begin to yell then they should firmly be told to stop.
  • Children at this time have high anxiety so routines or appointments should not be changed abruptly.
  • Supporting the child’s extracurricular activities and friendships should be a priority. For example, paying for lessons or buying sports equipment.
  • Transportation is important for the events as well. If neither parent can drive them then perhaps ask another relative. If it is ultimately impossible then explain to the child how sorry you are and when things settle down you will try to make sure someone is available.
  • Children at this age may feel like they can’t have any friends over because there are no adults in the house after school. It is important to find someone who can be there at leas once a week to greet and supervise the child and their friends.
  • The child needs encouragement from both parents to continue learning and enjoying new activities.
  • Parents can understand a child’s reasonable reaction by thinking about their reaction to not having an in-house parenting partner and a life that in the early stages is so busy and complicated.

Nine-and Ten-Year-Olds

  • Children at this age are in a new development stage. They are being drawn out further away from home and more into the world of their peers.
  • They can think for themselves and keep it separate from what others believe. They have more independence and responsibility.
  • They have also reached a skeptical stage where they may be critical of teachers and other adults. They expect adults to earn their respect.
  • Children at this age can think better about the future and moral issues.
  • They might get bored with the company of their parents and prefer to spend time with peers or other adults with specialized skills such as a coach.
  • They can read other people’s mood more accurately.
  • They begin to understand abstract concepts more and can understand their own behaviour and that of others.
  • With a divorce they will be upset with the disruptions in their home life.
  • They aren’t as concerned about who will take care of their physical needs as younger children.
  • The child expects the parents to provide the foundation for their life. To help support them but more “behind the scenes”. The child likes to take the center stage.
  • The divorce takes the attention away from the child.
  • Children at this age are more competent and can sense that adolescence is coming up soon.
  • While children may appeal cool on the surface about the divorce, the anxiety levels are likely quite high.

Anger

As you read this section, be aware that you are entering the most ‘dangerous’ stage for parent-child estrangement or alienation. It is important to read the section on Alienation/Estrangement on parental behaviors that contribute to these tragic outcomes. Children are most vulnerable to a parent’s failings as they enter this and later stages.

  • The child believes they are the center of the family.
  • A key reaction to the divorce is anger.
  • The anger can be directed to one parent or both. They are upset they are not the center of attention anymore.
  • The child is afraid of losing the parents and the support they provide for the child’s development and growth.
  • The child may enlist younger siblings and begin to criticize the parents more.
  • They may begin to act more like the boss of the house.
  • The anger can become a problem at school and result in behaviours such as truancy, petty theft, or siding with one parent over the other.
  • The real goal is to force the parents to reverse the divorce.
  • The anger is usually directed to whichever parent the child feels is most responsible for the divorce.
  • The parent who gets attacked may not even be responsible for the divorce.
  • A life time of loving care can change overnight from the child’s anger.
  • They don’t understand the feeling and reasons that have led to the divorce.
  • The child at this age can be good at playing one parent against the other in order to get what they want. This works even better when the parents are divorced since there is less contact between the parents.
  • Each parent should make the rules in their own household.
  • If the stories the child says about one parent are ignored they will often stop.
  • The parents should not be drawn into the good guy, bad guy games the child might want to play.
  • It can be hard to see the anger from your child and being told that you are selfish.

Compassion

  • Even with the anger children at this age are worried about their parents.
  • They are learning to read body language and can be fairly accurate.
  • They may be eager to comfort you, hug you or sit beside you when you look like you are down.
  • Morality is important at this age and children care about what is right and wrong.
  • A growing child wants to respect his parents and see them as virtuous. When they see a parent doing something ‘wrong” it can cause them a great deal of suffering.
  • If the parent is involved in infidelity for example the child will confront them on it.
  • There is often considerable moral ambiguity for a child as well as parents who often send mixed and complicated messages i.e. I still love your mother (dad), but we can’t live together any longer.
  • While the child is a part of an ongoing family they feel safe and comfortable. This is threatened by the divorce.

Possible Steps

  • Clear rules against rude language, hitting and yelling should be insisted upon for both at school and at home.
  • It is important for the child to feel that the parent is in control.
  • Don’t become defensive and get caught in accusations.
  • Children at this age can form their own thoughts. Saying something against you doesn’t mean they were coached by the other parent (ex).
  • It is important to explain to the child that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. During the accusations it is possible you might lose your temper and yell at the child. That is okay but you should apologize afterwards and explain why it upset you.
  • Try not to feel guilty as a result of the accusations.
  • Time outs can sometimes help to deal with aggressive children.
  • Other children can get more withdrawn instead. They may prefer to just watch TV alone.
  • Some children may take a step back in development and they need serious attention if this happens. Professional help may sometimes be needed.
  • If the child is withdrawn, ask if they are sad or worried and why. Get more details from them. Maybe somebody at school is the cause.  See if there is anyway that you can help.
  • Contacting the teacher to see how they are at school can be helpful.
  • The school can have a list of experts who work with children or the pediatrician can be helpful as well.
  • If you consider taking your child to someone, look at their training and experience first. See if you can arrange to talk with the person first and then decide if they a re a good fit.
  • Help should be sought out prior to the onset of adolescence if it is needed.
  • Parents who continue to fight or talk negatively about the other parent can be subject to a child’s rejection. The chances are that the negative words don’t match up with the child’s reality. It takes constant verbal abuse (alienation) to emotionally reject their other parent.
  • Parents need to treat each other with civility.
  • You want the child to grow up and be moral and considerate in their relationships.
  • Some parents forget the importance of being a role model after divorce.
  • It is an important time to behave morally and sensibly.
  • Moral authority is needed to help guide the child into adolescence.
  • New love affairs are better kept discreet for the time being. Children at this age won’t have the frame of reference to understand or sympathize with you. In our section on ‘Blended families’ there is a discussion about dating and telling the children and the children’s other parent.
  • If the ex has left and made no attempts to contact the children, it is important to comfort them and be honest with them.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Talk with your child about current and future plans that might include their friends or make plans with other families to go out and have fun.
  • If the child engages in theft, take them back to the store right away to return the items.
  • If the child is truant at school, make sure they know attending school is a non-negotiable expectation.
  • Be clear and direct about what is expected in terms of behaviour.
  • If the child is blaming one of the parents for the divorce, don’t try to explain how they are wrong or try to offer more details about the breakup. Sit the child down and tell them when things settle down you can explain more.
  • Acknowledge any concern from your child or efforts to help. “It means a lot to me that you are concerned. You are a wonderful son/daughter and I love you”.
  • Keep an eye on the child’s schedule and make sure they have enough time for play and friends.
  • Cultivate a sense of ongoing family as soon as possible. The purpose of the FRRP.
  • Set up recreational activities you can do together such as: camping, dining, bowling.
  • Include your child’s friends when possible.
  • The parents can each help the child on homework and assignments. The task can be divided up based on each parent’s strength.
  • Set an example of courage, honesty and respect for your child. At this age they can keep you on your toes in being strong and maintain high ethical standards.
  • Children at this age can tolerate being away from you for a day or two. After the first year it is okay to give yourself the occasional weekend off to relax and recharge.
  • Don’t overreact to a child’s anger.
  • Your job is to protect the child and keep them on course to adolescence.
  • They need structure, kindness and rules. They need to understand the post divorce family is still strong and stable.

Eleven-, Twelve-, and Thirteen-Year-Olds

  • The reaction to divorce at this age can be anything and varied. The adolescent might be in full blown panic or show indifference. Either way they are likely to be surprised or taken aback by the news.
  • They are capable of shielding their feelings from you and themselves.
  • After twelve to twenty hours the initial panic tends to subside.
  • Some children may have the impulse to run away.
  • There is a lack of age-related symptoms in this group. The behaviours shown by children of this age can be more difficult to manage.
  • Next to early childhood this is maybe the most hazardous time for a child to experience divorce.
  • The most common reaction can be a rush into risky teenage behaviour.
  • They may believe the divorce has lessened the rules and lifted constraints, so they may get involved in more risky behavior. This includes unprotected sex and drug use.
  • There can also be a denial that there is any effect on them from the divorce. It is more common in children who do well in school where they get a lot of recognition.
  • Some children indeed do seem unaffected and continue to move forward as usual. At a later time they may be willing to talk about it.
  • If the child is doing well in school and does appear to be unaffected there is no need to force a conversation. Instead wait for them to come to you.
  • If you can recapture your old feeling during adolescence you will have a better idea of what the child is feeling.
  • There are differences in development between the genders. In general, both will experience hormonal changes, rising sexual urges and a need for more independence and separation.
  • Risks seem to excite them, and their judgment is poor.
  • Children need a strong stable family and good parenting.
  • No matter how you announce it, divorce weakens the family.
  • Two parents living separately is not a secure family.
  • The parents might be focusing more on themselves and the divorce and less on the child. The child can feel alone and unprotected.
  • Without the active guidance and strict limits from adults’ adolescents can be more tempted into trouble behaviour by peers.
  • There are all kinds of groups and cliques in the late grades and high school and the child will be tempted to join one of them.
  • The child will find it difficult to talk to the parents about their anxiety since the parents are also dealing with their own issues.
  • If the child feels like the world is collapsing they are more likely to be drawn into trouble behaviour.
  • Children from divorced families are more easily influenced than those from intact families.
  • Girls in particular can have more, mood fluctuations. Support from the parents is important and they need to hear what growing up is like, and the importance of self esteem. They need boundaries that will keep them safe.
  • They need to hear from their father about what growing up was like and that there is more to becoming a man than just getting muscles.
  • Again while these are standard observations for adolescents in an intact family as well, the evidence suggests that the risks are heightened for separating families. It also can lead to a parental blame game. In addition children in these early adolescent stages can become receptive to choosing the ‘other’ parent. There is an alternative out there for many.

Possible Steps

  • Try to keep the home as safe as possible and keep routines as consistent as you can.
  • Enforce the rules and teach them to look and listen instead of making quick judgments and acting on impulse.
  • A general expectation should apply; namely, that the care parent specifically, and the other parent hopefully will know where the child is. But the same expectation is true for the adolescent child- they too know where their parents are and have access to reaching them. I believed strongly in that expectation in my intact family, in my co-parenting family and in my reconstituted family. Adolescents often need you and rarely are those times predictable or on your schedule. It is called choosing to be a parent.
  • Coming home nightly to an empty house can terrify them.
  • Without home supervision they can get into risky behaviours.
  • Try to provide some structure at home.
  • Too much freedom is not helpful to the child at this time.
  • It might be possible to provide some kind of job for them such as babysitting.
  • If the child works for you, you should pay a standard rate.
  • Volunteer work in the community can also be helpful. It can help to build a sense of responsibility and compassion.
  • Kids at this age can learn to do simple cooking, gardening and cleaning.
  • A cell phone can be a good tool for children who don’t come straight home from school. It is important to know where the children are but not to ask too many details as they may feel you don’t trust them. When they check in thank them and let them know you appreciate it.
  • If you are held up somewhere and will be late you should also let the child know. Extend the same courtesy you would expect from them and lead by example.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Although the child may pretend that they understand certain adult issues, at this time it is likely beyond their comprehension.
  • If the child asks you about any new partners or affairs you shouldn’t lie to the child, but keep details to a minimum.
  • It is important to have conversations with your child. Even if it feels they are not listening they can hear your message. You are showing that you do have interest in them.
  • There are rules and you expect the child to follow the standard of behaviour you have layed out. It is easier to talk with your child if you have a closer relationship. Use humour if you can.
  • Don’t withdraw even if they appear not to listen.
  • It’s important to talk about moral issues but also be honest with your mistakes if they point them out.
  • Moms can help daughters by being a loving sympathetic parent, not a buddy. Listen patiently as they tell you about any problems they may have.
  • Dads can also have a close relationship with their sons. A boy at this age needs a parent to respect, not a pal.
  • Both genders need parents who are not afraid to talk about moral values, love, friendships and loyalty,
  • If the child finds out about an affair you had before the divorce they may confront you on it. It’s important to be honest about it.
  • Your goal is that your child feels comfortable in asking questions and getting straight answers.
  •  Both parents should discuss birth control and safe sex.
  • Children need actual information on these issues and not just prohibitions from their parents.
  • Children also need to be taught about drugs, smoking and alcohol.
  • It is important to keep the children on track and make sure they grow up into moral and loving adults.
  • Adolescence can be a perilous time for every child and even more so when the family is weakened by divorce.
  • Keep communication open with your child. They should know you are ready to talk and listen if they have any problems.

See our post on separation and older children for more on development stages.

Resource Recap: Telling the Children – tips from Judith Wallerstein

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents, Resource Recap

This post is part three of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts: Child Development and book overview.

The book What about the Kids by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation.

See my notes on telling the children that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

  • This conversation raises the curtain on the changed family, therefore it requires careful thought.
  • Call two family meetings rather than one to make sure each child has a chance to understand what has been said.
  • Just as your life will never be the same after the breakup, divorce is a critical turning point for each of your children.
  • Even the littlest ones sense the difference.
  • If you want your children to feel protected and secure, you must provide that security and protection for them.
  • Most children want the marriage to be preserved and feel better protected by two-parent families.
  • Many children are content in a marriage that the parents find unhappy or unfulfilling. They don’t know or don’t care if their parents are sleeping in different rooms, beds, or haven’t communicated for a long time.
  • Some grown children of divorce confess with embarrassment that they still hold wishes that their parents would get back together.  
  • Holidays, neighbours, etc. are cherished memories that last many years and are brought up when grown children reminisce on when speaking frankly about their parents’ divorce.
  • The most important thing to do is to tell your children what is happening in the family before it all comes apart.
  • Tell them about your plans before you separate, that way they have preparation and support from you once they wake up and realize one parent is gone.
  • If your children are five or younger, it is best to tell them a day or two before you separate.
  • If your children are school aged, a few days to a week before will help them assimilate what you say.
  • Adolescents often know before the parents even tell them, but you should still tell them at least two weeks before. This way they have the opportunity to talk to their best friends about what is happening and figure out what it means for them and what happens next.
  • Your goal is to assure them that you’re looking out for their best interest starting from the beginning.
  • Chose a quiet time when you and the children have plenty of time to talk.
  • Plan to tell your children when both you and your spouse are home for the next few days or the weekend.
  • If you and your spouse can’t cooperate, tell the children separately taking turns, going one right after the other.
  • You owe your children the gift of civility and cooperation at this transformative stage in their lives.
  • Grown children of divorce often fear being too happy. This fear is related to the feelings they experienced during their parents’ divorce. The stun of the divorce made them then embed in their minds the kind of fatalism about the fragility of relationships.
  • Your children will always remember how you acted in this juncture in their lives.
  • You must spell out differences that your children can understand.
  • Telling the truth doesn’t mean you scapegoat or deprecate each other to your children.
  • Stay cool when telling your children and explain to them that during divorces people often get upset and blame each other.
  • Tell your children that you tried to fix the marriage and didn’t just act impulsively, irrationally and foolishly. Explain to them that you tried very hard.   
  • Be honest and show respect for the gravity or the situation because this gives your children permission to show their hurt and anger about the situation. This is crucial because it allows them to cry.
  • Your children will do anything to not rock the boat more in the situation. They love you and wish to care for you, and realize it is a crisis for at least one of you.
  • Explain to them that you will always have a family, it will just look different.
  • You owe your child the honest expression of your feelings and the freedom not to be a soldier in your battle.
  • Your job is to educate them about right and wrong and help them express their anger and sorrow along with yours.
  • If your child is ten of eleven and there has been an infidelity, if you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together any longer. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.
  • Let them tell you about their worry of losing you, about strange ideas of being put in a foster home, and not having funds for college, etc.
  • Try to help them say what they’re scared of or relieved about.
  • Describe to them what your plans are in terms of where the children will live and plans about custody and visiting.
  • Ask them about their ideas and comments and promise to take them into consideration.
  • Be sure to make them not feel like inanimate objects which are simply distributed between two homes.
  • Maintain whatever stability that you can help preserve to help them adjust to the inevitable changes.
  • Tell them that these changes, although sad, can be a growth experience for you and your child.
  • Be sure to tell them your decisions, ask for their opinions, said you’re sorry, and laid out what is about to happen.
  • Be sure to clearly lay out what will happen for life in the post-divorce family – considering where they will live, when they will see each other, etc. 

Resource Recap: What about the Kids by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee

On By BarryIn Resource Recap

This post is part one of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts on Child Development and Telling the Children.

The book What about the Kids by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

Introduction

  • After a divorce, you find yourself feeling alone, confused, in a state of shock. You struggle to get out  of bed each day, and must deal with your whimpering, red-eyed children who haven’t slept.
  • A divorce can be described as technicolour. What lies ahead?
  • A marriage licence makes any kind of marriage possible, and a divorce sets in motion the post-divorce family.
  • How will you and your spouse get along after the breakup?
  • The first challenge is to get your life under control, to literally restore yourself and rebuild your social supports.
  • The second challenge involves you and your children. You must prepare them for the breakup and to support them through the crisis.
  • The third challenge is to create a new relationship between you and your ex-partner.
  • All three challenges begin the day you decide to divorce and lasts until death. It’s for this reason that divorces can be so hard and have no benefits.
  • If you meet all three challenges, you open yourself up to new opportunities in life and put the disappointments of marriage behind you.
  • The turning points are numerous, the danger points are unexpected, but so are the opportunities.    
  • Many things change when you divorce and go to college graduations, weddings, visits with grandchildren, etc.
  • Parenting is always a hazardous undertake.
  • Parenting in a divorced or remarried family is harder. You are blinded by emotions and events out of your control.
  • How could a child not be affected by the major changes that divorce and remarriage bring?
  • Divorced families are altogether different from intact families.
  • Your relationships with your children change the day you separate.
  • Crisis peaks when divorce papers are filed.
  • Does an outgoing personality help?
  • If you’re in the thick of a crisis, you can look up specific ideas about your three-year-old who won’t go to bed, your eight-year-old who is having trouble at school, or your fifteen-year-old who is angry all the time.
  • One reason divorced families have problems is because most people don’t have the help that they need.
  • If you’re a child of divorce, your own journey down this road will be complicated by your earlier life experiences.
  • Stay cool when telling the children; avoid the blame game but take responsibility for the breakdown.
  • Be honest and recognize the gravity of the situation; this allows children to begin the process that they must inevitably go through without feeling guilty or responsible.
  • Explain to them that they will always have their family- the family will change though.
  • Encourage them to say what they are fearing, or questioning-children are often very pragmatic and as they reach adolescence can be judgmental.
  • Provide the short- and medium-term plans; but be prepared for pushback- especially from preteens onward.
  • Consider their feedback seriously- appreciate their input- be receptive but don’t forfeit your parental responsibility.
  • Try to maintain routines in the short-term plans- commitments to activities, etc.
  • Try to be appropriately positive about your joint commitment to ensure joint parenting in some form.
  • Be pragmatic with an element of flexibility- it can be overwhelming.
  • Remember your children are very different and have different parent child relationships. Children may desire different parenting arrangements and even split with their siblings.

Take Care of Yourself

  • Parents can’t help their children until they’ve thought about themselves, about where they’re coming from.
  • Once you’ve decided that it’s really over, you’ll have set into motion the task of becoming a different person, and to your surprise, a different kind of parent.
  • Your decision to divorce not only marks the end of a marriage, but the formation of a new kind of family.
  • What you’re feeling today is probably not going to be relevant to your life in three, five, or ten years from now.
  • There are steps you can take to ease our immediate pain, but the really hard work comes one day and then one year at a time with changes that ricochet into your life and into the lives of your children.
  • You can’t become an effective parent until you’ve regained your footing and begun to repair the damage done by the failed marriage and the inevitable stresses of the divorce.
  • How far or fast it all happens depends on how you respond to the challenges and frustrations that lie ahead.
  • If you get caught up in the image of having failed in your marriage your parenting will be burdened.
  • If you find yourself raging at your husband or wife, it doesn’t matter if you’re right. What matters is being enraged will eclipse your ability to be a good parent. It clouds your judgement and makes it hard to take care of your children or see your children as being separate from you. You have different needs and priorities at different ages. It also makes it harder to be a compassionate parent.
  • In a normal situation, only one partner wants to get a divorce.
  • Divorce creates two separate single parents with two homes, two sets of furniture, two refrigerators, and separate insurance policies.
  • You are responsible for the well-being, discipline and entertainment of the children under your roof.
  • Co-parenting after divorce is not the same as within a marriage.
  • Divorce forces you to become a new person.
  • A birth certificate didn’t turn you into a parent, you remade yourself into a parent.
  • You find yourself waking up in the middle of the night to carry out new and unfamiliar duties.
  • Many psychological changes occur over time in both you and your ex-partner. After weeks, months or even years, of feeling shaky and bewildered, there comes a psychological moment when you become this new person.
  • You are a new person when you finally stop feeling like a failure, and you feel free, even hopeful, and can make decisions without trembling inside.
  • At some point, every person must face up to the hurt and disappointment that go with a failed marriage and the continuing tensions of the divorce.
  • In a divorce, it’s letting go of the memories collected over many years of being together.
  • Mourning loss is a process that takes time. But you must know that after divorce you enter a new attachment with your former partner, one that is not born of love but one that arises from the role of co-parenting.
  • Divorce is the end of love and the persistence of attachment.
  • As human beings, we’re blessed and damned with memories.
  • Before you can give your children the attention they need, you need to gain control of your own emotions in general.
  • People who have been wonderful parents and rarely raised their voices in anger slam doors on their children, cry in closets, and erupt in anger over nothing in particular.
  • Your children often remind you that you have big responsibilities, and that is the last thing you want to think about. Many children are terrified by the change in a parent’s behaviour.
  • In your weakened condition, you are called on to be wiser than you’ve ever been before.
  • The more chaos, the crankier your children become, the more they scream at each other, and the more you’re going to lose self-control.
  • Men and women face different challenges when telling the kids.   
  • If you’re a man who never took care of your kids day-to-day, welcome to Home Economics 101.
  • Whether you do or don’t get along, the ties that bind you together still hold.
  • You have financial obligations with less power.
  • Your task is to make the most of a part-time role that you share with a woman who is no longer central in your life.
  • You cannot decide on an impulse to take the kids to Disneyland.
  • You can’t suddenly decide to change their schedules, diet, or bedtime.
  • If you’re a mother, you also continue to be responsible for your children but you’ll have less power in deciding how to raise them.
  • It won’t do any good to tell the something if you are worrying about it in your mind.

On Anger

  • If you’ve been betrayed, you may feel ashamed and wounded.
  • Many people find that anger makes them feel good. It can make you feel righteous, if not saintly. You can first use your anger to mobilize yourself.
  • You may enjoy blaming the other as arch villain and this can block you.
  • You’re free to organize your new life as you see fit.
  • Anger can persuade you that you’ll do things differently this time around.
  • You can regain self-control and understand the roots of the fury that had spilled onto your innocent child.
  • You can’t help your children make decisions after if you’re driven by rage.
  • No one can overcome your anger for you. Most people let go of anger to regain control.
  • If you’re alone and unhappy while your ex-partner is dating other people, your mind can turn any relationship into a torrid romance.
  • If you are the victim of jealous fantasies and threats have been made against you, you are urged to take them seriously and seek protection from the police.
  • If your energy goes into how hurt you are, how can you gather the strength to move forward in your life?
  • Anger blocks the kind of self-scrutiny that you need in order to change. 
  • There is no substitute for what you say to yourself.
  • Most people can help make the transition to the “new you”.
  • Being a good parent during this transition helps diminish the grief, guilt, and tremendous upheaval that divorce causes.

Setting Routines and Structure

  • Children must feel safe going back and forth between homes.
  • The must learn to master the calendar, going to and from houses.
  • The ability to do so depends on how quickly the household is restored.
  • Routines are disrupted after the divorce. Bedtime often becomes hit or miss.
  • Many school-aged children get themselves up in the morning, make lunch, take themselves to class, clothes don’t get washed regularly.
  • A suggestion box is a good way to share ideas and make sure everyone’s thoughts are heard.
  • A chores and rules chart is a good way to keep track.
  • Orderliness is important.
  • Young children miss you and don’t understand why you’re always gone.
  • They must understand why you need money and why it’s important for you to work.
  • If you work more hours than before, explain to your children that you’re more available to work more now and that you need the money.
  • Regular bedtime is very important.
  • People who have experienced radical changes in their lives make transitions difficult.
  • Rituals aren’t expendable just because you feel pressed for time.
  • Rituals such as kissing your child good-bye are important.
  • Children have to know who will be home for dinner, and what hour dinner is at.
  • Child who worry about rituals can’t sit comfortably through class.
  • They may be worried, having observed your frantic pace of life.
  • Assign chores to each child and reward them.
  • Provide pleasures to offset the pain of the breakup.
  • Asking older children to help with younger ones is ok, as long as you realize that they are still children too.
  • Make sure the lines of discipline are the same across both parents.
  • Reduce conflict by arranging after-school activities for each child.
  • Keep an eye on younger children.
  • After a divorce, older children are often given power to exert over younger children.
  • Dinner represents a time of coming together of the family. It should not be a dreary time, or a time of watching tv.
  • Try to get up early enough to help your children get ready for school.
  • Children of divorce often show up at school without lunches or proper clothes for the weather.
  • Strict control is more important after divorce but harder to enforce. This is the time to rein in your child.
  • Each child should know your cell number and how to reach you in an emergency. This relieves anxiety.
  • Tell them that if anything ever goes wrong, you’re only a phone call away.
  • The need for structure addresses both parents. Both of you must provide this kind of help, however, only one of you may be able to provide this.
  • Feeding your children before they leave is very important.
  • The only person you can control is you, not your ex.
  • Set aside intimate time to spend with just you and your child.
  • It is very important to bring some pleasure and fun and laughter back to the family.
  • Make a habit of stepping back and asking yourself how your children are doing in this new life.
  • Do not berate yourself.
  • If you’re honest with yourself, you may realize that in the chaos of the divorce, you overlooked your children without meaning to.
  • Many children live in distraught worlds of their own while their parents are too wrapped up in their own problems to notice.
  • Have you left them on their own?
  • Is there any real pleasure in their lives?
  • Children of all ages have fantasies of reconciliation right from the beginning.
  • “Mom smiled at dad when he dropped me off last night. I bet that means they like each other.”
  • Young children feel cut off by divorce and fantasies help them feel whole.
  • All efforts to restore routines after divorce bring needed stability to your children’s lives.
  • It’s important for them to have a sense of order and regularity.

A New Kind of Father

  • Divorce transforms the experience of being a mother or father. The fundament nature of parenting shifts.
  • These changes are different for men and women.
  • When marriage ended, no one told you what it would feel like to be a father in a divorced family.
  • You must understand the changes to enjoy the new chapter of your life.
  • This road is less predictable than you ever imagined.
  • How do you go about being a good father?
  • You always knew exactly who you were and so did your children.
  • Fathering post-divorce is different because you don’t have the supports you had in the marriage.
  • After divorce, you’re in a vacuum.
  • “How central am I? What does being a divorced father mean? What does being a co-parent mean? Am I a playmate? A Dutch uncle? A friend or guy who helps with the math homework? Who sets the discipline? What sets the goals?”
  • You may have to learn to divide your time between your second marriage children and your first marriage children.
  • “Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship you had with your children during your marriage.”
  • In an intact family, you didn’t have to define your role.
  • If you had a very close relationship with your children before the divorce, you must work it out with your ex to make sure this relationship continues.
  • Your lives may demand change and flexibility.
  • Even if you weren’t ‘close’ with your children before the breakup they still cry for you. Closeness is a dangerous term for it implies a certain judgment about a parent’s relationship with their child. It is a term that would eliminate many fathers from their children.
  • Post-divorce you must consider the relationship you wish to maintain with your children.
  • You have the choice, and in the first few years after a divorce you have to renew your relationship with your children- in many ways for a dad it is a cross roads where hopefully you will do whatever is required from you to be the dad that your children require of you in these changing circumstances.
  • “Your relationship with your children is not dependent on how much time you spend together based on the divorce settlement.”
  • “Your relationship is only measured by how much your child feels your love, your commitment, and what you’re able to bring to that relationship.”
  • “An Indian legend that says the father’s job is to carry the child to the top of the mountain and face the child away from home toward the bigger landscape. That’s poetic but its only true if the father carries the child carefully and does not drop them on the climb.”
  • Organize your life so that you give the plan priority.
  • When the children are in their early years, the decisions that govern your relationship aren’t the same when they grow up.
  • A mother and father under the same roof are different than a mother and father under separate roofs.
  • Parents in a reasonably, positive intact relationship carry out daily dialogue about their children.
  • Conversation must cease between you and your ex about whether to correct the children or ignore grandma after a divorce.
  • Mothers, more so than fathers, interpret what children want inside of an intact family.
  • Mothers often play the go-between between young children and their fathers.
  • Developmental stages in your child’s life effect the tenor of your relationship.
  • They want their moms around.
  • A father may lose access to parts of his children’s lives because their mother no longer shares a home with you.
  • Fathers may sometimes take on the role of the mother with great sensitivity and heroism.
  • A father can play a significant role in the lives of their daughters even in their daughter’s adolescent years. Some experts suggest otherwise. But, it can be done provided the commitment is made to play that part in their life. (Recommend seeing the film: Eighth Grade)
  • Observe your children carefully.
  • Spend simple down-time together.
  • “What mistakes can you make? The most common one is that you can give up too soon. As an experienced father, you must learn new skills and just be there.”
  • Lots of fathers make no changes after their divorce. They expect children to fit into their lives and spend time together in the easiest way possible.
  • Shared activities have results.
  • Some fathers didn’t ever have the experience of a role model fatherly figure.
  • “What defeats many fathers is their thin skin.” When they suffer defeat, they lose their jobs. Some become easily discouraged and back away from the fathering role. “I have nothing to offer.”
  • Your child’s need for you is in no way diminished by your divorce.
  • If you lose your job, don’t let it translate to the loss of a relationship with your child.
  • You children are a priority and you can’t compromise.
  • Children never confuse their father with their stepfather.
  • Some fathers attempt to remain close with children, but end up experience feelings of loss.
  • A comment in a support group from a separated dad: “I think you’re saying that despite your great efforts, you all share the fear that no matter what you did, no matter how hard you tried, you still felt in danger of being marginalized.”
  • “Man of the house” can’t be recreated after divorce in a joint custody case.
  • Some fathers bounce in and out of their children’s lives. Some return to court to assert parental rights and blame ex-wives that their children don’t want to see them anymore.
  • If you don’t visit your children, you owe them an explanation as to why.
  • Start to rebuild a relationship with your children which takes into account the changes in their development.
  • “The greatest gift you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”
  • Your children both need you and need to grow away from you.
  • “The main purpose of parenting is to help children grow into independence.”
  • Your centrality in your children’s lives never diminishes, even as they move in and out of adolescence.
  • The father-daughter relationship in intact and divorced families serves as the template for a daughter’s view of men.
  • “Will you protect her? Are you willing to make sacrifices for your relationship? Do you respect her ideas? Do you have confidence in her abilities? Have you told her how proud you are to be her father?”
  • Fathers provide sons with a template as to what it means to be a man.
  • You must feel secure and sure with how important you are in your children’s lives.
  • Your role doesn’t disappear when your child enters adulthood.
  • Father-child relationships tend to grow apart as they age, way more so than in intact families.
  • Building a forever relationship is a generational journey if you get it right.

The picture on our website captures the hope for every dad- separated or intact-it doesn’t change. It is about holding your child’s or grandchild’s hand, sometimes firmly and other times lightly, protecting and encouraging, educating and inspiring.

To love and be loved is the greatest human gift. The strange aspect of a separation with children is that it clarifies what is most important in our lives.

A New Kind of Mother

  • Motherhood after divorce changes profoundly your view of yourself, your children, the kind of care that you provide; and the day to day stresses create a whole new parenting environment;
  • Most mothers are aware of everything going on in their child’s daily life;
  • ‘your children remain an integral part of your psychological make-up’;
  • In the intact family, when they are with their dad, you likely feel they are continuing to be in your care; you receive a run down of their outing from your parenting partner and/or the children;
  • Post-separation this information flow may be non-existent from the other parent;
  • Children may view your questioning as intrusive or worry that it is part of the separation conflict between their parents;
  • Serious negative outcomes for children and parents occur when children sense the conflict all around them;
  • This questioning can be heightened once the dad thinks about or initiates dating; the ‘great fear’ about a parent having a diminished parenting role appears more real;
  • You are unable to provide the full-time care and awareness of everything child, as you likely provided in the intact family;
  • There is an ‘aloneness’ to parenting in a single parent home; it is a shared response of mothers and fathers, who must continue with life when the child is with their other parent;
  • Absent from the new mom’s house, dad’s house scenario, is the emotional support that is part of the intact, parenting partnership; often, the breakdown of an intimate relationship begins in the intact marriage with the loss of emotional support;
  • The loss of this support in the intact home (aloneness) is unlikely to change in two homes, at least in the early months, years;
  • Parenting is challenging and joyful; support may now be found from different sources- parents, friends, new relationships, etc.
  • ‘In the end it comes from you and no one else’.
  • Very few separated parents are satisfied with their parenting in the short term; mothers tend to judge themselves in the immediate time frame, in part, because our lives tend to be lived on a day to day basis;
  • Their will be a time when you will look back at your parenting journey and see your successes through your children.
  • If each separated parent recognizes their similar parenting journey in their changed family, the opportunity to regain a cooperative and supportive partnership becomes a possibility.
  • The ‘guilt burden’ is found in many mothers and may continue for decades; divorce is not the cause of all the perceived problems of your adult children;

‘Try to forgive yourself for your real and imagined sins of commission and omission. Try to be a gentler person with yourself. Take pride in the enormity of your accomplishment. Whatever your aspirations, you can’t do it all. Give yourself a break from your self-accusations.’ (Wallerstein)