Tag: co-parenting

What Matters Becomes Clear…Hopefully: Parenting and the pandemic

On By BarryIn Parents

‘…there is no mystery of human behavior that cannot be solved inside your head or your heart.’

Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

A recent article in the Globe and Mail (‘Pandemic complicates parental-access battles’ April 11, 2020) suggest lawyers are busier than ever as separated parents clash over changing custody orders for their children.

The renewed conflict rests on failed logic by mothers and fathers; namely, that dads are incapable of providing a safe environment for their children; and mothers, who work in health care, service industries, etc., are a high risk to their children.

Mothers and fathers place paramount importance on the safety of their children!

Parents seeking to change parenting orders already have existing mom’s home/dad’s home, care arrangements, and safety was a settled matter. The parent seeking a change is ‘using’ the judicial system to deliver a blow to the heart of the child’s other parent.

Parenting trust, that is hard earned and always a work in progress following separation, falls victim, and there is a return to chaos and uncertainty for children, parents and grandparents.

The family disruption from the 2007-08 financial crisis was a forerunner to the COVID-19 crisis for separated families. The loss of employment, and income reduced to E.I. resulted in conflict over child support and extraordinary expenses for a child’s activities.

The out of work parent often attempts to cobble together part-time employment that is temporary with unpredictable hours. Parenting schedules for many families were disrupted, at a time when flexibility and reassurance was necessary more than ever.

For children and parents to remain connected in a crisis, there must be recognition of the challenges that threaten changed families. This is not easy, for many separated parents lost positive communication prior to and since ending their intimate relationship.

However, the parenting agreement provides guardrails through the terms of co-parenting for the unexpected ‘life getting in the way’ crisis.

COVID-19 has been from the outset a financial and care of child(ren) crisis. Most separated families have a parent(s) facing loss of income from a prolonged layoff, business closings, and the lack of alternative employment.

Parents are now available or less available in mom’s house and dad’s house, at a time when everyone feels at risk. Grandparents, who may play a significant role in childcare or simply by being available as needed, are the most at-risk population.

Adversarial legal actions, described by a local lawyer as ‘blood-sport’, consistently fail to build integral parenting relationships. Decision-making now is being forfeited by parents, who have common goals, namely: to love, protect and be an integral, lifelong parent.

The Law Commission of Ontario (2010) study found that users (you and I) of Family Law asserted that too often solvable problems became unsolvable outcomes. In other words, the outcomes were not just benign, but often made matters more difficult, often for a lifetime.

It is difficult to imagine a worst case scenario for disruption and human loss than the COVID-19 crisis. But the cliché about life being too short has never been more appropriate for separated families. 

Solvable or unsolvable outcomes (2020) for separated parents rest in their ‘heads and hearts’, and the commitment made when they became a mom or dad. In truth (consider for a moment here), the same commitment was made by each parent on the day they separated and created two homes.

Going to Court resurrects the common fear in both parents that they are going lose their child to the other parent.

COVID-19 offers parents an opportunity to model the kind of relationship that our children need and deserve.

 Respectful conversations built on flexibility and maximizing parenting opportunities are rewarded with children not being caught in a destructive, tug of war. Goodwill and trust are built, not lost, by expanding the parenting guardrails.

The parenting dialogue is initiated by; a) providing the other parent with each other’s safety plan and ideas to make each parent and child comfortable; b) engaging in give and take exchanges about the structure of the child’s day that begins with school instruction, technology usage and enrichment activities; c) each parent creating or expanding on an activity that is their special ‘thing with their child; d) providing an opportunity for the parent and child to enjoy face-time, check-in every day, when they do not have their child;

Separated families are going to be severely tested over child support, extraordinary expenses, and parenting arrangements.  Finding ways to engage the other parent in child focused ways is an opportunity to be the parents you wish to be and leads to a more peaceful approach to settle issues from the pandemic’s fall-out.

It is a choice!

‘Your relationship is only measured by how much your child feels your love, your commitment, and what you’re able to bring to that relationship.’ (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Please provide FEEDBACK re: ideas, activities, activities, problems, frustrations, good news stories, etc., that we could share more broadly to support other families in a Mom’s Home, Dad’s Home.

An Open Letter to Separated Parents on co-parenting

On By BarryIn Open Letter, Parents

‘Co-parenting depends on setting up new emotional boundaries and allowing your children to have their own emotions, identity, and choices. It requires leaving the past in the past, and focusing on the present and the future. More importantly, it requires never forgetting the vision that you are working together for your children’s greatest benefit’. – Elizabeth Hickey and Elizabeth Dalton, Healing Hearts

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we are committed to co-parenting as a core principle and underpinning for the approach set out in this site. Rarely in my work with 800+ families have I come across parenting situations, where a high level of cooperative parenting was impossible.

The on the ground reality is that effective, co-parenting following a separation is about the parents’ commitment to making it happen. Parenting competency is important, and it is key that each separating parent fills gaps in their parenting resume.

A few lessons I’ve learned in my work:

  •  Effective communication is/may be less timely and competes with the two parents building new lives, separate from each other.
  • Every intact family has defined their parenting roles based on many different factors. The outcome is parenting that works best for their intact family. Each parent brings to their parenting role similar skills and their own unique or complementary parenting strengths.
  • A separation and co-parenting require that each parent becomes competent in the other parent’s areas of parenting strength. This is not to usurp the other parent, but rather to harmonize the consistency in expectations and routines. All round parenting competency in areas of the other parent’s strength can’t be shrugged off entirely to the other parenting partner.
  •  A separation means that they are no longer your every moment parenting partner. This adjustment requires hard work on each parent’s part; but it is necessary and rewarding. The parenting strength that you observed in the other parent such as patience or warmth through hugs and touching can become part of your parenting DNA

When I started our little agency, I expected most separating families would have children from the ages of 8-15ish. It was quickly discovered that many of our clients had children, who were toddlers or barely of school age. Consider for a moment the parenting challenges faced by these parents (many of you) and their families to build inclusive, family homes for their children that will endure for a lifetime. It is clearly a daunting task that commences from the moment parents decide to separate.

Effective parenting in the changed family is about building two homes and creating a ‘new normal’ for your children. It doesn’t have to be identical, nor should it be; but it does need to be two homes where calm reigns over chaos and where children know that their parents are committed to their well-being.

Parenting after a separation has never ending resources and our intention is to set out a selection of resources that support effective co-parenting for different ages and stages of children. Reread the opening passage of our vision of being a parent. The awesome responsibility is understood from the moment your child is placed in your arms; and confirmed daily as they move through infancy to toddler to school age to adolescence to young adulthood. Providing for their needs and creating opportunities is the centrepiece of your transformed life. Take a few moments to reflect on those ‘simpler’ times because that ‘can do’ optimism and commitment is now required more than ever.

We employ the term ‘renewal’ deliberately to capture what the parenting process is all about. We are not marriage counsellors, but the process recommended provides time for sober, second thoughts.  Remember that you are both parents, and your children need you more than ever.

Search out the different essays, research, and articles listed in the parenting section of the Resource Hub. There will be motivated to become better educated and parenting courses for changed parenting. will be many additional resources from professionals for your consideration.

In the recommended resources you will find a selection of professional comments on parenting through a separation.

Parenting for family renewal

Parenting through a separation is more difficult than in an intact family. Parenting is simultaneously difficult and rewarding in the best of circumstances; but in a separating family tension between the parents and the end of intimacy may adversely influence every family relationship.

To have the best opportunity for parenting success, children must know that they are loved and valued in each parent’s home. This requires the endorsement of the ‘other’ parent by the ‘other’ parent. Remembering that you are the ‘other’ parent may help in accomplishing desired goals for your child.

A parent can give out negative vibes in many ways to their children when their child sets off to their other home and return to their other home. Negative vibes = abusive behavior directed not only at the other parent but at your child. Research suggests that children of divorce often feel that they don’t belong in either home over time. Our mission, as parents imposing a changing family structure on our child, must be to build inclusive family relationships.

Inclusiveness does not occur when parents are smothering or needy or negative. Renewal is built from recognizing both parents’ love for their child and the complementary strengths of each parent. Reread the article: After my parents divorced… for more.

Building trust

It is important to build parenting trust. This means trying to maintain schedules and minimizing irritants around clothing and toys left at the other parents’ home.

Keep a visible schedule in both homes of overnights and all other activities. This can be done by computer and a master schedule can minimize too many intrusions into the other parent’s changing life.

A scheduled, bi-weekly conversation during the early months is advisable. This could eventually become monthly. Following a conversation, the parents could decide to seek out their child’s input re: any modifications.

Changes should be only about the calendar, not about changing the basics of parenting time. The latter could seriously breech parenting trust.

Managing common issues

  • There is a risk that normal responsibilities assigned as learning tools for your children in an intact family are abandoned in one or both homes after separating. That is not unusual, but unfortunate. The fear of alienating your child through enforcement of responsibilities is common for many families.
  •  An earlier section identifies the ‘common fear’ of separating parents. Feeling like you are one short step from child rebellion and losing your child to the other parent is a major concern…and leads to ineffective parenting.
  • Parents need to come together through parenting conversations on topics of responsibilities and discipline. A common approach would be supportive of each other ‘in the long run’ and to be honest the long run is what this is all about. That is a difficult approach to accept by both newly and longer term separated families.
  • A problem re: parenting differences may be an extension already apparent in the intact family. In some cases the differences are fundamental gaps in parenting philosophy. To employ an oversimplification, one parent is more permissive, and the other parent is punishment centred. Consider the differences in your parenting style in the intact family and try to anticipate what differences are likely to be tested in the two homes scenario. This could lead to a preventative conversation.
  • As a general rule, the parent with parenting responsibility on specific days determines the rules, etc., within their household. The other parents don’t have the authority/power to change that under normal circumstances. If the child is at risk in the other parent’s home, the parent is obligated to seek out a protective remedy. It is recommended, if there is a growing concern that has been ignored or stonewalled, a professional therapist should be employed. Options should be included in any parenting plan.
  • Parenting differences may occur at any age, but probably feel riskier with tweens to mid adolescence youth. These are children that can change their residence by simply walking to the other home. I have rarely, actually never, met a ‘other parent’ who would not welcome their ‘troubled’ child at least once. It is occasionally done as a joint, parenting decision; often though it may be viewed as an opportunity by a parent with less parenting time. It may occur through the recommendation of a child counsellor. The change of residence almost always creates parenting havoc and requires understanding. For some parents, the unexpected arrival of an older child places strains on second relationships. (see section on blended/complicated families)
  • Parents need to pay attention to routines such as bedtimes, mealtimes and getting ready for school. Two homes often have different schedules for routine day to day ‘stuff’. Getting up in the morning; eating times or sit down together time; activity level; delegating responsibility; hugging and comforting each other; bedtimes and how it happens; staying informed of each other’s whereabouts and availability; a  more than passable acquaintance of the children’s friends and parents; etc.
  •  Harmonizing routines (above areas) are a good thing, but often difficult to accomplish. Children do adjust to changes in school routines all the time. However, you need to be patient and alert to how your child is coping. Remember the ultimate parenting challenge is ensuring that your child feels like they are welcomed and belong in the family home that you are creating.
  •  In the intact family, there has been a history of ‘working out’ schedules for your children- especially young children. Remember the earlier observation re: the number of families separating with pre-toddler and primary age children.
  • A separation creates two homes with each parent needing to work out appropriate schedules that MUST be met. Children departing a school bus must be met; a JK child must be picked up on time afterschool- work schedule blips be dammed. All is doable!
  • One parent may be less competent at managing these kinds of details. Some fathers have defaulted that management task to their parenting partner in the intact family.
  •  A default position doesn’t work for the two-home family, if that parent wants to be the full parenting partner recommended here. Again, this is all doable, but may require an attitude change.
  • One of the most significant changes in parenting from an intact family for some parents is that they must take on the role of a full player in every way.
  • While we insist on full information flow on all matters children, it does not preclude full, on-site participation as a mother or father for the full range of activities and appointments for your child. You are going to be busier than you have ever been!
  • The impact of a separation on our job is very real. The intact family has likely found ongoing supports and a working formula. It may not be ideal and requires constant tweaking or even reconstruction. It is however a joint effort.
  •  As a separating parent with a less than flexible parenting schedule, you face serious obstacles. A simple example for some separated parents revolves around employment at big box stores. In many cases an employee (parent) is required to work 3 weekends per month. Most parenting agreements are based on alternate weekends. Our experience suggests that a separated parent could lose 1/3 of their weekend parenting time. If you are a parent with less than equal time, this is a devastating consequence.
  • Explaining money priorities to your children is a difficult task. This can mean that parents miss extra activities because they ‘choose’ to work (overtime) to help meet financial responsibilities. The same family income prior to separating is inadequate to meet the financial obligations of two homes.
  • Parenting plans need to be precise and realistic about extraordinary expenses. For some parents it is a choice between rebuilding a parenting relationship or becoming a less consequential parent. This has negative consequences for the child.
  • Parents must guard against shifting parenting responsibility for younger children care to an older sibling. While there are growth outcomes, there are also inherent risks. A few of those risks include a) a parent not making the required change in their own life to be an effective parent; b) the child losing out on being a child/teen; c) an older child does not have the life experience to be a parent; d) older child sees the parent as selfish and using them to build a new, social life- free of the marriage.
  • Separated parents must find their own parenting rhythm and create new traditions in their home. I am particularly fond of the parent, who built the tradition of reading books every evening with their child. The story goes that that they went 14 years without missing. They created a special, new tradition and it became part of their relationship forever. Every parent can build their own connection(s) with each of their children.
  • It is important to have/allow pictures that connect the past of the family to the present and future. In our work on parenting plans, many parents, usually dads, unknowingly fail to seek out copies of family pictures upon separating.
  •  Both parents are keepers of the family history, and both homes should have the visual connectedness. Obviously, there must be discretion in the choices made, but this step is important and sends a positive message to your children and is a reminder of better times with your children’s other parent. A child should have their own place to visually keep pictures etc. of their other parent.
  • Children often watch for signs of reconciliation. Guard against giving children false expectation. If one parent constantly gives out such a signal to their child, they are doing a disservice to their child. Often, they may unconsciously be using their child to apply pressure on the other parent.
  • Parenting through a separation can sometimes feel grinding/waring. Try to include in your weekly routine fun activities, as well as completing homework. Try to find creative opportunities. In the attachments are a list of low-cost activities.
  • Try to find opportunities for one to one activities/conversation with each child. This requires an emotionally healthy you. Stability and predictability are cornerstones of the family structure that you are trying to build in the early months and years following a separation.
  • Informing and receiving updates re: your child from key players in your child’s life should become part of your routine. These players would be teachers, coaches and significant others. It is important to attend all parents’ nights, and if possible, supervise school trips. Know your child’s friends and be acquainted with their parents. Sleepovers for youngish children adds a degree of normalcy, fun and flexibility. Don’t outsource supervision.
  • Whenever possible, see your children off with a kiss, hug and optimism; welcome them home with enthusiasm and interest in their day.
  • Start to rebuild your relationship with past friends and make new friends. Your children are (re) assessing who you are in this changed family. A separated parent can become isolated from the wider world. It is important that your child see you in different settings and observe that you are well liked, appreciated and respected by others.
  •  Have difficult conversations with relatives and friends, who have distanced themselves. State your needs as a parent and your expectation/desire that they should continue to be your friend and welcome your children as your children.
  • An important, but not completely understood (at least by me at the time), is that each parent is now tasked with shaping the building of a new home with their children. Your child’s in-house time with you (day-to-day parenting) varies, but it does not mitigate your changed parenting role.
  •  It is a mindset that many parents, but perhaps dads more than mothers, fail to grasp. Life is not just in transition for your children because it seems that way to you!

Search out the appropriate resources

Be proud of yourself for taking this new role seriously. Other sections of our site focus on the changing role of mothers and fathers following a separating. Understanding the challenges of each other helps us to be sensitive to their parenting approach; also, it allows you to anticipate what may be coming at you and your children.

Forgive yourself for being an all too human parent. There is a wonderful quality that captures what you need to be an effective separated parent: RESILIENCY!

School Days Can Be About Opportunity

On By BarryIn After Separation, Parents

As a former teacher (it seems so long ago), I still see the approach of Labour Day through the perspective of gearing up for ‘life’s about to change’. As a parent and grandparent, the return to predictability and certainty offers a promise of order to day-to day life.

For newly separating and separated families the struggles can be difficult as new parenting patterns may not yet be established. Some parents and grandparents may suddenly face loss in their day-to-day, relationship with their child and grandchild.

The return to school should be viewed as an opportunity to build enduring, supportive relationships for parents and grandparents.

PA Days and school day trips provide additional opportunities for a parent or grandparent to have ‘special time’ with their child or grandchild. For a parent (often a dad), the opportunity for a child to see their father in a different setting is rewarding and builds ‘integral’ relationships between parent and child.

Recently I went to see a film called 8th Grade. It was about a young girl in her last week before graduating to high school i.e. a transition to an entirely different space. She is being raised by her dad- and we observe, through the dad’s painful efforts, that they are unable to talk about anything meaningful.

 The film has an understated father-daughter theme. But in truth it is a universal, parent-daughter or parent-son theme.

 Near the film’s end is a conversation between daughter (in crisis) and her dad that is a ‘must be viewed and heard’ as they struggle to make each other understand how they feel about each other.

It is words and/or deeds that build enduring relationships, that too often go missing because of the way families separate. Kids n Dad suggests that parents and grandparents plan to take advantage of the opportunities offered by the new school year to build a more enduring, supportive relationship.

 I guarantee that during the school year you will have the opportunity to be the parent that you wish to be- just like the dad in 8th Grade.

School Days Are (Soon) Here Again                                

Summer is still with us and I am trying to focus your attention on the upcoming school year. A new school year often presents change upon change for newly separating and separated families. What was once viewed as joyful changes in an intact family are now challenges that make parenting more complicated e.g. a family moves to a new home in a new school district? For our children of every age change has serious implications- making new friends/losing old friends; etc.

Kids ‘n’ Dad tries to focus separated parents on the new school year. We believe in limiting surprises in the school year that may lead to unwanted parenting conflict that impacts your children. The school year is an opportunity for separating parents to restore some order/predictability and calm to their children’s lives and to their own lives.

The new school year may be especially difficult emotionally for newly separating families. It can be like the first Christmas with its emotional connections, good memories and now the loneliness of being a parent absent from the excitement of the actual event. It is a clarifying moment for everyone that family life has changed…forever. 

It is also an expensive time with new activities beginning and schools often asking for additional fees for this or that. Many of our parents continue to face economic difficulties that are part of the current economic environment. Separated families rarely have enough income to support a dad’s home and a mom’s home and it often comes down to hard choices about your children’s activities in the upcoming year.

The Globe and Mail published an essay (After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine. It belonged to them. -June 5 2013) by a young woman who wrote about the aloneness of being a child of divorce.

She grew up feeling like an outsider in her parents’ homes and later in their subsequent families. Her letter stopped me in my tracks. I thought about my own children and the children of our clients, who are struggling with that same loneliness and lack of belonging. My point is that doing this school thing right is part of overcoming what happened to this young woman as she grew up.

 ‘As parents we have a responsibility to ensure that our children feel included in each home and that each home is participating in their daily life. School is an integral part of that life.’  (KND)

Ideas to consider for the upcoming school year

Compile a personal list for your family. Each family has their own unique set of challenges, but a common set of desired outcomes!

  • Both parents must, together or independently, establish a relationship with their child’s teachers and school. If the separation is new, then a school visit is an imperative. The school is going to be a main source of information re: your child’s transition from an intact family.
  • Plan to attend school activities. Co-operate to ensure that one or both of you are available for every activity. Include supervising on a school trip as a volunteer. Establish a schedule to share your children’s activities. If the ‘together’ thing is too difficult then work out parallel arrangement that works.
  • MEET THE TEACHER NIGHT IS COMING UP! Ensure that you attend the ‘meet the teacher’ and all other parents’ nights, especially report card meetings. Do not count on the other parent to be the conveyor of information. If need be give the school postage prepaid envelopes with your mailing address for your child’s Report Card, newsletters, etc. Schools are RARELY proactive in ensuring that BOTH PARENTS receive all info. I know many separated parents who have never seen their child’s report card with all the valuable info on their child.
  • If your child’s teacher is hesitant to provide duplicate material, be courteous but also insistent and follow through. Each parent needs to be in a position to help their child with their homework, etc. Many fathers who often have less than 40% parenting time may prefer only to do ‘fun’ activities. You can do both; you should do both.
  • Make sure that you are up-to-date on your child’s school friends. If your child (ren) are of an age suitable to have a friend sleep over then these school friends form a likely pool of candidates. Your involvement in your child’s school activities allows you to meet other parents and create a comfort level for them and the children.
  • Attend extracurricular activities that are outside the school- e.g. dance, hockey, and ringette. RESPECT the other parent on those nights that are their access nights. Do not make participation by both parents a problem. Set a good example for your children.
  • Plan out a co-operative parenting schedule. Respect it! Abide by it! The schedule is the LAW UNLESS BOTH PARENTS AGREE TO A CHANGE! YOU CANNOT SIMPLY DEMAND A CHANGE!
  • If changes need to be made then consider a process to make that happen. It could be done through a mediator if you are unable to make it happen cooperatively.
  • Expenses need to be talked through and not simply a bill handed over with a demand. Dads in many cases need to know that school aged children cost money and that these expenses may be separate from the question of access and child support payments. Primary care parents need to know that denying access damages your children and is against the law.
  • I mentioned last year my concern re: the use of Facebook, Twitter, etc. to take verbal shots at a former partner. These concerns remain an alarming and disturbing development. These verbal potshots are in reality not only an attack on your child’s other parent but also upon your child. They are simply unproductive for everyone. This is absolutely unacceptable! It is embarrassing/hurtful to your child and is making public what is essentially a private family matter.  Another aspect of the use of the social media is the potential misuse and risk to our children. If we as the parents are hooked on Facebook and messaging, why wouldn’t we expect our children to model themselves in the same way? The problem is that most children are without the life experiences that we bring to social networking. This is particularly a problem for children in the tween age bracket. In separate families children of this age may rely on these friends even more and also have more time alone, etc. As such the good aspect of a child cell phone (safety, ready availability) may become lost to the negative side (vulnerability and obsession). Go on line, educate yourself on the risks to your adolescent and develop a strategy that works for your family.
  • If you are newly separated don’t be afraid to initiate a meeting(s) as necessary with a key teacher/mentor/coach to your child. They can watch over your child and encourage participation and friendships.
  • Finally, if you have a new partner during the school year, take it slow and easy. Understand possible reactions of your child; deal with your former partner in a mature, honest and sensitive manner. Read up on possible reactions. Ask your new partner to be patient as you try to work out the new family dynamics.
  • PA Days offer an opportunity for additional parenting time for some parents and could be included in Parenting Plans. Cooperating parents can reduce before and/or after school costs by sharing in providing care to their child. In addition grandparents – especially paternal grandparents who may now have reduced time with grandchildren-can also be included in school year planning. They provide a sense of belonging to grandchildren.
  • FINALLY acknowledge the other parent’s flexibility. Acknowledge each other’s flexibility. Your children will notice.

 I used to say that parenting through a separation is a marathon, not a sprint. I have adapted my thinking- separation is a series of sprints that hopefully add up to the completion of the marathon. Just when you think there is a comfortable pattern, life gets in the way. Life in the way can be a remarriage or a move or a job loss/ financial crisis or a child in crisis or…. Every separated family in every school year is likely going to face a difficult change(s) that may trigger a crisis. The challenge is to figure out a process to accommodate the crisis.

As separated parents we have an obligation to find solutions to those ‘life gets in the way’ happenings. The school year is an opportunity for parents to model for their child a cooperative relationship that demonstrates the parents’ love for their child- a love that survives all challenges on life’s journey.

Parenting Responsibilities: A Code of Conduct Template

On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

The following is a sample template for a Code of Conduct for use in co-parenting:

The parents agree to the best of their ability to follow the code of conduct set out below in order to ensure that ____________ and   ____________  have the best opportunity to grow into happy, resilient and responsible young adults.

A New Family Bill of Rights (from Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House)

  • Each child has the right to have two homes where she is cherished and given the opportunity to develop normally.
  • Each child has the right to a meaningful, nurturing relationship with each parent.
  • Each parent and child has the right to call themselves a family regardless of how the parent’s time is divided.
  • Each parent has the responsibility and right to contribute to the raising of his or her child.
  • Each child has the right to competent parents and to be free from hearing, observing, or being part of their parents’ arguments or problems with one another.
  • Each parent has the right to his or her own private life and territory and to raise the children without unreasonable interference from the other parent.

What Kids Need To Hear (from Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis)

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with Mom and one with Dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them.
  • Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will not be asked to choose one parent over the other, to act as a messenger or as a spy.
  • They will not be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Parent 1:                                                                          Parent 2:

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An Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Before Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.

The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.

How alienation happens

It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.

How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.

The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.

 It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.

Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.

In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling.  The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.

Case study: Penny and her parents

Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court.  As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.

The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!

 Comments on the case

The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.

The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.

It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.

The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.

The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.

Note the following about Penny’s case

  • The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
  • The tragic impact on their daughter;
  • The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
  • The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
  • The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
  • Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
  • The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
  • The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
  • Grandparents’ loss over the years.

There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge.  He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.

What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.

In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.

Alienation or estrangement?

How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.

 If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.

The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.

The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.

The legal system and alienation

False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.

 Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).

A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.

The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.

A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.

Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness

Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.

Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.

While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts   for future parenting.

These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.

Richard Warshak Book Covers Collage

Resource Recap: Information from Richard Warshak

On By BarryIn Alienation, Parents, Resource Recap

Notes from the publications of author and psychologist Richard Warhshak. See his website for more resources.

  • Children’s attitudes during the breakup may be temporary. They may be reacting to an isolated event, such as a fight between parents or the discovery of an affair, rather than the full history of their relationship with each parent.

  • They may complain about a parenting plan because of minor frustrations and not really consider the drawbacks of alternative plans.

  • Children may tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear at the time.

  • May reflect trivial reasons or immature thinking.

  • Examples: A five year old girl wants to live with her daddy because he lets her eat as much candy as she wants. A ten year old boy wants to live with his mom because she lets him stay up as late as he wants. A fifteen year old girl wants to live with her father and stepmother because they impose no curfew, allow her to drink alcohol, commiserate with her about the uselessness of education, and promise her a luxury car if she moves in with them.

  • Preference to live with a parent may be unhealthy. For instance, a boy may have a close identification with a father who treats the mother with violence and disrespect. The boy’s closer tie to his father may be long-standing and may lead the boy to express a preference for a parenting plan that maximizes time with his dad while minimizing time with his mom. Such a plan, though, is likely to further entrench the boy’s unhealthy identification. Another example: a boy may be too closely tied to his mom and afraid of leaving her side, so he says he doesn’t want to spend the night at his dad’s house.

  • Children may say they want to live with a parent because they think they need to take care of that parent.

  • Children may show loyalty to one parent because they are afraid of him and don’t want him to be angry with them.

  • The biggest problem with giving children a say in custody decisions is that it puts them in the middle of their parents’ disputes. If the kid’s attitude is going to influence the court, then there is a greater risk that one or both parents will put pressure on the child to takes sides with one parent against the other. So when a child expresses an opinion about custody, it may be the child’s voice dubbed with the words of whichever parent has the most influence over the child at that moment in time.

Managing the short-term in order to effectively parent and grandparent in the long-term

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Mothers, Parents

At some point in time during the separation years, I felt estranged from each of my three children. It was unbearable.

It is not necessarily a forever outcome!

Our experience is that almost every separated parent suffering through an estranged parenting relationship will have an opportunity to ‘repair’ that relationship. It is our task as a parent to be prepared to seize that opportunity.

Parenting a young or not so young adult child offers wonderful, even ecstatic times, in part because of the difficulty of the journey.

Below are some general conversations of possible parenting opportunities that could help enrich the lives of your adult children and their immediate families. The picture on the face of the FRRP web site pointedly captures what is at stake.

Families do come in all shapes, in every form, and are sustained and strengthened by the enduring love of each parent to their child and their child’s child.

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

 Situations

Talking about the cause of your separation to your adolescent or adult child is for many of us an unwanted conversation.

Based on the early months, even years of separation, the conversation may seem frankly too dangerous.  Silence or the status quo may seem ‘kind of comfortable’.  The question that remains for every parent of a separated family is whether they must abandon being a parent and just become an adult friend.

 My experience suggests that parenting to your adult child is very different and requires a complimentary set of communication skills and self-awareness. But I would assert that it is part of what you committed to when you became mom or dad. I would also suggest that you have a continuing debt to your child for what happened in your intimate relationship with their other parent.

  • Your view of the cause(s) of your separation likely have modified from the explanation initially provided to your children, at the time of separating.
  • The original explanation likely lacked ‘texture’ that would help your children in their future relationships and life. You may see this need in your children at different times in their life, and through their more probing questions about mom and/or dad.
  • “So why did you and your ‘life partner’ with children separate?” For most of us we move from a blame game-my fault or my partner’s fault- to a more in-depth dissection of what went wrong, and importantly what was good and why did the good somehow get lost along the way?
  • Most of us as adults/parents in an intimate, committed relationship know that our childhood experiences had profound consequences on our lives; the same is true for our children. This site has enumerated many consequences for children. The question is why we would not think that our children deserve the best advice/lessons that we can provide based on a more complete understanding of our life changing, family crisis.
  • It would be safe to say that my son and I were at our worst in his teen years and in the early years of separation. As we moved into a calmer period in his twenties, I suggested that we go away on a 5-day golf excursion to North Carolina. To my surprise and pleasure he agreed.
  • It could have gone either way re: the getting along part. On our way home, travelling the inter-state, we looked at each other travelling at 120km and gave each other a bear hug. It was as if the difficulties of earlier times were set aside and were now only background to our future relationship.
  •  It would no longer cause us to flee to the safety of silence. This moment was as magical as the moment the F&CS worker placed him in my arms at two months and he became my son.
  • Finding the opportunity to (re) connect with your child provides a path to life conversations that are about integral, parenting relationships i.e. the lifelong task of completing the whole of your child.
  • Accomplishing the above allows/invites you into the lives of future grandchildren.
  • An explanation given to a child of seven is unlikely to meet the needed explanation for a young adult in a committed relationship. This is a time when most parents can hopefully provide an understanding that is more complete and less burdened by the immediacy, overwhelming emotion and even depression.
  • Many of us can see in our adult children behaviors that indicate their doubts about commitment or their search for caring relationships or…?
  • The separation process, unfortunately, has a consequence of painting a dark picture of their parents’ intimate and parenting relationship. For most parents- including separated parents- there were many wonderful family times that lasted for years. It is important to convey that to your children.
  • Many adult children have lost those memories to the chaos of disruption and two, separate homes. Quite frankly, too many parents have also lost the good times to that same chaos. 

Question: Is our legacy to our adult children to be chaos and division or a narrative/understanding that reflects a mixture of family success and lessons from intimacy breakdown?

               ‘Children of divorce miss their original family when the breakup occurs and when they get older and rework the experience.’

– Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

Photo Albums and what they mean for a separated family

  • If you are a parent that agreed to leave the matrimonial home, then you likely left with an uneven distribution of family ‘things’; often this may include family photos that illustrate the family history;
  • The visuals in my day were photo albums, that provide a journey through the parenting years together as an intact family unit. They are a shared record of fond memories.
  • We believe strongly in shared parenting (min. 40/40 parenting time for each parenting time with each child); however, whatever the parenting time, each parent has the responsibility to their child to provide a continuing bond to the other parent and their previous life in an intact family.
  • Interestingly, family pictures (I took none with me at the time) are a history of your family. My failure to understand that reality effectively left the children’s mother to be the guardian of the family journey.
  • In a beautiful, loving way my daughter knew that pictures of the children and past family events touched my soul and she went through the family photos at different times and helped to convey our shared family life by providing copies of our journey as an intact family. This may seem a small thing, but it is not!
  • You are conveying an important message/model. Most importantly, that you are a family and that you are not afraid of the past or abandoning the past. You are stating that your journey with your children is continuous and to be cherished.
  • Children become adults and pictures are reminders of fun and silly times together with more to come in the changed family. Pictures connect the family history through the generations- child to parent to grandparent.
  • There are many ways to build on the changed, but continuous family theme.
  • In the section on parenting, it is important to allow your child to see that through all the current tension- that you are able to talk about good times that were part of the family’s daily life. Remember for most of us the ‘worst’ of times took place in the closing months of the intimate relationship. Even if it was over a longer time, we managed to protect our children and manage day to day living.
  • I would also suggest that you are not afraid to connect past residences with times in the child’s life.
  • The one red flag (it is important) is that when in a ‘new family’ you need to consider any new partner’s sensitivities.

 Moving On

Family is content not form.

– Gloria Steinem, activist and writer

I became a parent through the adoption process for my first two children. Many times, during the early years of separation (high conflict), I felt an extraordinary level of guilt. I suspect that it goes with the territory; but I always felt a moral obligation to be this ‘perfect parent’ because another parent(s) and F&CS entrusted me with two children. I had not finished my responsibility. Of course, I had that same obligation to my youngest child who was born the old fashion way.

This sense of guilt is our partner, often for some time. Guilt can paralyze or motivate us to learn ways to not repeat errors or to allow past mistakes to control our life. It can feel very difficult to assert our standards to our children. It is easier to shy away from talking about our failings, even in the face of knowing our children require guidance in their on-going lives.

Moral failings are part of most of our lives. Having an affair after feeling alone for some time in a now, loveless relationship is the wrong order of doing things. Often, our older children see the events in their family through the perspective of the ‘wronged’ parent. This perspective may derive from an actual failing or may in fact be completely false. Two narratives may still be operational for years.

An earlier section talked about ‘no-fault divorce’ and your joint responsibility to explain the separation to your children. It is important, as your children grow older, that you are up to refining your explanation to meet their ‘refined’ questions as they embark on serious, intimate relationships. As an aside, my youngest daughter just asked me how/when I met her stepmother. Something triggered a question that she needed resolved.

Children need parents, stepparents and grandparents, who have the capacity to frame the past in ways that lead our children and ourselves to a brighter future. I would suggest that you focus on the issue of forgiveness for yourself and your children’s other parent. At some point, one needs to create at worst a business-like relationship with your former intimate partner and be able to engage in needed conversations with your children.

Serious conversations with your older children require perspective, calm, thoughtfulness, reflection, listening skills, making it not about you, while talking about your inner journey.

Communication skills that are conciliatory, invitational and to the point are an important tool for successful co-parenting. Even with the above steps, it can feel like a steep climb because your child may not be ready to hear a modified narrative and is ‘stuck’ still in anger or detachment. The ‘other’ parent may still be in their own state and hindering or even sabotaging progress.

In the end, the rule is that we can only be in control of our reactions and our actions. Be proud of your positive changes and the preparation/hard work that you have done to support your children.

Topics that are a part of each parent-child relationship from a separated family

I married just shy of 22. I have no recollection of any discussion of intimacy, marriage, etc. with my parents or anyone else. I learned, whatever I did learn, through what I observed through my parents and grandparents. In both cases, they remained together (intact) through thick and thin. I suspect that their marriage would not have survived the changing perspective on separating today.

My marital breakdown was a first for my family and as such it had overtones of failure from every corner.

My mother at some point suggested…strongly that I had been spoilt. For years, I have tried to understand her criticism/observation. She and I never made it together to a place where calm had replaced chaos. She and my father died prematurely, in part, from the prolonged chaos of the separation.  (See grandparents’ section)

One of the significant losses from a ‘bad’ separation is that wounded, caring family relationships may never have time to recover i.e. it can feel like everything good from before has been discredited.

 I go back to this theme because unless these conversations take place between parent and child, the unanswered questions remain open wounds with lifelong, negative consequences.

How do you answer the question about a missing dad or mom? How do you answer questions about why there are no paternal grandparents in a grandchild’s life? The questions are more than just a question; they require an answer/explanation that provide an adult understanding, that supports our children and our children’s children to navigate life.

Parenting Plans: An Introduction

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Our position is all about maintaining/rebuilding enduring, integral parenting relationships through the disruption and chaos that often accompanies a family breakdown.

There are many relationships that contribute to a child’s positive development over the years, and into adulthood.

Parenting Plans (PP) may create a pathway that sustains the different relationships over time and build strong bonds that can withstand the stresses and strains that life inevitably throws at every separated family as they transition into two homes.

Our resources support creating parenting arrangements that accomplish the above mission.

Each family has their unique history and as such require their own common and unique pathway to achieving their parenting mission.

Kids ‘n’ Dad’s believes that for every family there is a pathway to creating a parenting plan where each child and each parent can maintain/build  parenting relationships that they own.

Every PP should be created where each parent feels confident in building an enduring, thriving relationship with each child. While they must accept that it will be different in two homes, it can be successful.

No parent should accept a plan that is likely to be in the long-term unsuccessful at what should be every parent’s mission.

A parenting plan provides an opportunity for parents to place their forever love for their child ahead of anger or disappointment at the failure of their intimate relationship.

For parents with the parenting will and commitment, there are NO external forces to prevent their success, provided they keep their eyes on the purpose; namely, integral parenting relationships for each parent-child-extended family.

Templates and Resources

Parenting Plan Options – Broad Choices (two week-14 day cycle)

  1. 50/50 Parenting Time- requires high level of cooperation; flexibility that deals with occasional changes; full-participation by both parents, grandparents and stepparents in everything child. Access/care time may be unique to the parents and works for the child i.e. week on/week off; 2/5 and 5/2 2-week schedule, or your unique schedule.
  2. 40/40 Shared Parenting Presumption: The remaining time is negotiated between the parents;  it is viewed as fully shared parenting, including decision-making re: the children.
  3.  Joint Custody: Usually a 9/5-day parenting schedule or 10/4. Shared holiday schedule; full participation in everything child- more or less. This is less than the many of our resources recommend.
  4. Joint Custody- more bare bones. 10/4 or less.  parenting schedule. Holidays week-ends may not be fully shared.
  5. Sole Custody: Decision-making re: the child rests with one parent on major issues. The parenting access may be similar to #2 or #3. Updates re: major decisions should be written into the agreement re: school, medical, etc.
  6. Parallel Parenting: detailed on virtually every aspect of parenting. This is for high conflict parents but allows for shared or joint access. The parenting rules are set out in detail. Decision-making (issues not thought of) probably requires an accepted process of outside professionals.
  7. Generous access parenting: PP that provides the home, based parent control over defining ‘generous’ (usually a mother). May work forworkaholic parent; allows for flexible work schedule.

       

An open letter to mothers – on parenting through challenge

On By BarryIn Mothers, Open Letter, Parents

For all parents, challenges occur before you take your first, full breath after the ‘decision’ to separate. Your whole world is changing and mothers and fathers are ill-prepared in every way possible. This is a shared reality!

Many mothers have considered separating for some time. Research suggests that approximately 70% of woman initiate (not cause) the separation. Many mothers have done some preparation; others have been focused on the decision only; a minority are blindsided by their intimate, partner’s decision.

Three immediate challenges are common; namely, a) personal recovery; b) supporting your children: c) forging a parenting relationship with the children’s father.

Each parent is in their own unique place on meeting these goals as they enter the world of separating. These three challenges can be overwhelming; but personal and family renewal must be your goal. I would suggest that the following prism of family renewal, discussed in the Resource Hub, should be employed in your decision-making tool box.        

Does this action/decision/choice move myself and my family closer or further away from our long-term goal of Family Renewal?

Renewal is a term that has been carefully chosen for this project. It encompasses optimism for what parents can accomplish…. together in the right process.  If your parenting target is less lofty, you most likely will create a parenting plan that is unable to sustain what you desire for your children and yourself.

Concepts to consider when working towards renewal:

  • How the separation occurred influences how prepared you are for the immediate decisions. In addition, even your initial, pre-separation work may not be enough to offset the reality of what is coming at you from children, the other parent, family and friends.
  •  This picture is not intended to keep intimate partners and parents inside an unhappy personal and family environment. It is counsel for seeking out the best information, supports and knowing when getting help is necessary.
  • Your intimate partner may react entirely differently than you expected. He may be shocked and vehemently opposed to separating! He may be angry! He may be focused on practical outcomes, etc. Renewal may therefore be more challenging and take more time. It is important to understand that either party can decide to end the intimate relationship without being penalized as a parent or an economic co-partner. It is called no-fault divorce.
  • Parenting in two homes is different and complicated at best, chaotic, overwhelming and lonely at worst (and to be truthful there is worst). This sounds obvious, but the disruption to day-to-day family life is immediate- even if you (mother) remain in the ‘matrimonial’ home, parenting the children uninterrupted in the main. It is even more disruptive if you leave the home soon after with nothing settled about going forward. Many mothers (dads too) return to their parents’ home with all the emotions and disruption that accompany such a move.
  • The incidence of situational depression for mothers is about 4 times greater than for mothers in an intact family. As such, everything that is going on has this emotional cloud impacting every relationship. By the way, the dads’ incidence of situational depression is 6 times greater than for dads in an intact family. It is estimated that 1/3 of children from separated families will require mental health services.
  • The mental health issue for each parent needs to be understood. In addition, the mental health concern may have been in play for some time in the intact family. For both parents, possible depression needs to be dealt with immediately. If not done, it may be a factor negating the shared parenting goals.
  • Taking care of yourself is often low on your priority list. Finding time for yourself may feel selfish, instead of a necessary mental health step. Caretaking and self-sacrificing are sometimes what a mother has become comfortable at doing in an unhappy home and a lonely intimate relationship. For many, this role may provide temporary respite and even comfort for it is a familiar role. Unfortunately, it can simply delay taking the necessary, next steps for personal recovery and healing family relationships.
  • Find ways that make you feel better- ways that are not self-medicating or harmful. It is very easy to become obsessed 24/7 by the situation and the different issues that are now a major part of your daily life.
  • The risk for any parent is to overreact to minor indiscretions on parenting matters and perceived judgments by others.
  • ANGER! How each parent deals with a) their anger toward the other parent;  b) their anger toward themselves matters.
  • There is often plenty to be angry about, legitimate or simply perceived grievances. But constantly looking back fails our self and our children; looking forward is what the decision to separate requires without delay. Lessons will be derived from the failure of your intimate relationship over time, hopefully as you venture into your renewed life.

                                  “Relationships that do not end peacefully do not end at all.”

                                   (Merit Malloy, the Quotable Quote Book)

Anger, Accountability, and Forgiveness

Over the years I have wrestled with each of these concepts. I believe that every former intimate partner with children is engaged in a similar struggle. In this section on parenting by separated mothers, the issue of anger is likely at the forefront of day to day decision-making. As such the next section considers the impact of anger on a separating family.

Experts cited in the Resource Hub suggest that every separated parent should consider whether decisions are driven by anger from the past or a desire to create a calm future. There are many books, etc. by experts that are betterthan my utterings (probably almost everyone), so I suggest that you seek out such resources and professionals. I do know the close-up destructiveness of anger for separating families- parents, children and grandparents.

Accountability is our need for the other parent to ‘admit’ to their destructive behaviors and accept personal responsibility. I warn you that you may be waiting a long-time, likely forever! Accountability is often a two way street and the real world of your children requires moving on to a better path. The search for accountability is often driven by our search for justice or for justification for our actions.

Justice in the world of separation is complicated at best and often left the courthouse some time ago.

A question that illustrates this point re: the personal search for justice for each parent to consider: ‘Did your children ask their parents to separate? Where’s the justice for them?’

Forgiveness is likely found near the end of the journey, if at all. I have found it to be a place that I have failed to embrace…yet. Forgiveness for this writer takes place after accountability – which often has given way to the more important task of arriving at a pragmatic, business like relationship with the other parent.

In this blog post, I write about a support group experience relevant to forgiveness that touched me to the core. It made me feel inadequate and yet helped me move to a better place.

Forgiveness is less about freeing the other parent from what you perceived they did and more about freeing our self from the restraints that make our lives less joyful, less purposeful and less loving! – Barry Lillie: Kids ‘n’ Dad

Lessons from my own journey

On a personal note, I always believed that I was rarely angry and only then at ‘real’ matters that had consequences for my children. I was always justified…so I thought. Being angry ran against my own view of myself as the ‘reasonable’ person. I denied my anger because I considered ‘being angry’ to be a negative characteristic.

In the first weeks of the separation, my children’s mother did something negative that involved my relationship with my children. I went back into the family home and expressed my anger in no uncertain terms. Afterwards, I was quite down about my behavior. It gained me nothing and it could have cost me a great deal.

That of course is the point! I had forgotten or had yet to learn that the end of intimacy also may mean the end of understanding/collaborating with your former intimate partner, especially in the early stages of separating.  You are working to build a new parenting partnership. As such angry outbursts can lead to further breakdowns in this elusive parenting goal.

Making you feel better ‘for a moment’ can have long-term, negative outcomes. Anger must be channelled in more constructive ways that motivate you to personal recovery and to make the necessary changes to be a better parent. After this early ‘blip’ in my behavior, I forgave myself and made a commitment to make my best effort to avoid a second episode, no matter what I considered provocative. I was imperfect, but I continued to try to be less so.

Some lessons I learned on anger, communication, and separation

  • Anger is the Achilles’ heel for separating families and their effort to find family renewal. There are so many irritants and aggravations that potentially trigger situations that can become significant conflicts.
  •  The loss of the foundation of an intimate relationship- namely, goodwill and forgiveness- has serious consequences for day-to-day parenting.
  • Learning to talk to the father in a constructive way is a prerequisite to effective parenting. Early on you probably know whether this can be some form of face to face conversation. It may be too raw emotionally for one or both of you.
  •  In addition, negative communication may have taken place in the intact family for some time- maybe no conversation at all that involved family decisions, etc. Now it is necessary to talk about unending arrangements re: parenting while simultaneously working out contentious financial arrangements and exchanging legal documents- then smiling as the other parent greets your daughter at the dance studio or on the soccer field.
  •  He is now getting out of work early and making a point of being there. This makes you angry. His stepping up now that you are no longer the traditional ‘team’ is viewed as a negative instead of a ‘good for him’ that helps build integral parenting relationships.
  • Separated life initially is filled with these kind of basic situations. It truly is in the eyes of the beholder- a positive or a negative? Remember the goal of the securing enduring, lifetime relationship for children with each parent and extended family. This sometimes hurts a lot as it plays out in the short and intermediate term. If accomplished in the long-term, your children and grandchildren will reap the rewards for a lifetime.
  • It is important to be comfortable in your own parenting skin. The more you feel threatened the more likely that good decision-making is lost to anger/revenge and insecurity.
  • Intimate partners with children separate because for one or both parents’ life has become unacceptable. The motivation to separate is triggered by a negative; but is intended to create a long-term positive outcome. For parents, a positive always includes beneficial outcomes for our children.
  • Therefore, the many experts offer Renewal as a target- it is about reaching out with optimism – to rebuild a better parenting environment that can handle change and complication inside two homes for your children.
  • ‘Every time we reaffirm our optimism, we give our children a good way to approach their own adversity.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Crisis)
  • ‘Optimism doesn’t deny anger, frustration, sadness or intense sorrow. It is willing to give each one its due, but only its due. We cannot always control what happened to us, but we can control how we respond to it and how we use it.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Grief)
  • Renewal is about two homes with humour, laughter, joy, wellbeing, care, connectedness, intimacy, cooperative parenting, good will and lifelong through whatever love.
  • Connectedness is recognizing that each residence is a ‘legitimate’ welcoming home for your children. Children can feel ‘alone’ in each home, if each parent gives the opposite signal to their child as they leave for their other parent’s home.  (Read: After My Parents Divorced)
  • How to make a child feel that they are an integral member of each home with all its differences is the ultimate parenting challenge. I believe it is especially the ultimate challenge for most mothers, who may feel lost when their child is at dad’s home. It is often aggravated when there is a new partner involved in the father’s and child’s life in the other home. (See blended families resources).
  • While the role of mothers and fathers has changed in the modern era, mothers for all the shared parenting in the intact home often see parenting as falling ultimately in their bailiwick. In addition, even in shared parenting homes decision-making on day-to-day care is often in the hands of the mother or at least under her direction.
  • Adjusting to predictable, interrupted parenting is perhaps the most difficult adjustment for a separated mother. As a father I found it to be incredibly difficult also, so I don’t want to overstate the adjustment required as a one-way street.
  • It is important for each parent to understand the other parent’s core difficulty on this matter.

 “It’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days…! I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” – a separated parent

The above statement is the common realty for every separated parent, even for mothers, who may have a majority of parenting time. Being without your children for a night or two at the grandparents or a neighbor feels entirely different from two nights at dad’s home- at least initially. It is a reminder of loss and even loneliness. It can result in holding your children too close; and/or children can become easily your caretaker, if invited to do so. Think about your child’s reality where they could face two homes where they become the adult in the home.

Guilt

  • A parent in a separating family often deals with feelings of guilt. Some experts suggest that feelings of guilt for mothers may derive from a sense of responsibility for failing to maintain the intact family. These experts would maintain that this ‘family’ focused guilt affects mothers more than dads. I suspect ‘guilt’ finds a place in every parent’s emotional being.
  • A companion to this sense of guilt is the practical parenting that may suffer from parenting alone and the time limitations and emotional feelings that may limit a mother from being the parent she desires to be. Our expectations for ourselves often is a self-inflicted wound that hinders personal recovery.
  • A recovery focused even modestly on personal well-being may feel selfish; expanding your life to include significant others even in a careful way is complicated often by a set of external judgments on timing and appropriateness.
  • It is important to recognize the triggers for parenting in ways that are less than desired. If understood, many mistakes re: impatience with your children can be avoided. Alternative support can be found in Early Years Centres and YMCA programs to name a couple of sources. Search out program availability in these centres.
  • Guilt in small doses for human mistakes is probably good for motivating you to do better; guilt that can lead to compounding questionable behaviors or parenting and personal paralysis subtracts instead of adds to effective post-separation parenting.

Forgive yourself!  You are imperfect and as such human!

Please read the different parenting tips on shared parenting in the Resource Hub.

Mediation: An Introduction

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation

Relationships that do not end peacefully, do not end at all. 

– Merrit Malloy, The Quotable Quote Book

Our work at Kids ‘n’ Dad is about supporting families to navigate through the grief and loss that is part of every family breakdown. There are many possible triggers in the traditional legal journey, that has recently been described by a brave, community lawyer as blood-sport. She is now a strong advocate for Collaborative Family Law.

Since 2008, Kids n Dad Shared Support has advocated for an approach that placed a collaborative approach at the forefront of strategies to arrive at a two parent and two extended families shared, custody settlement for matters pertaining to a family breakup.

There are different forms of mediation, each with different wrinkles in how it is practiced. You need to be thorough in your interview of any practitioners of this form of support. Do your homework.

 There are resources identifying community supports.

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we clearly have a ‘bias/perspective’ in what we advocate as the most desirable set of outcomes. Many mediators or parenting co-ordinators have their own set of bias/perspectives on best outcomes. Again, each parent, together if possible, should seek out human resources that are supportive of their parenting goals.

It is important to do your homework prior to going to mediation in order to be prepared for the emotionally draining task to reach a family centred settlement.

While we at Kids ‘n’ Dad strongly support shared parenting (40/40default minimum), it is possible that this is not going to happen. This does not mean that mediation is a failure. The process of negotiation and seeking fair compromises is worthwhile for parents and children.

We have a caveat to our shared 40/40 parenting. Out of mediation, each parent should have a level of certainty that they have the access time, parenting tools, flexibility and support of the other parent to own (thrive) their relationship with each of their children.

Please review the Resource Hub . Read the other sections to support your efforts to build inclusive family relationships.