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Telling the Children

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children

Our experience working with over 600 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing so:

  • they hate tough conversations
  • they worry it may lead to tears or fighting
  • they are feeling a sense of failure
  • they wish to avoid open parental conflict
  • they assume the children probably know
  • they feel ill prepared
  • etc., etc.

Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy, and not talking to your child(ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. As parents you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can. To do this, you need to work together to  prepare a plan for how to inform your children while also anticipating their fears and questions.

The joint concepts of a no-fault divorce and family renewal are valuable tools as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation. Together, you can use these concepts to prepare a script to help you navigate the emotional and often unpredictable family conference with a common goal: helping your family to heal and grow through the changes to come.

Common Questions by Children:

  1. Where will we kids live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener some may seem to be simply a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or rip the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term. It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period of time. This is what I call the mutual no-fault explanation or the mutual both parties at fault explanation. Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long-run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach.

This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your now changing family!

How to get started about talking to your kids about the break-up

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

Talking to your children about separating or breaking up is hard to do!

The end of an intimate relationship is often messy; the end of an intimate relationship with children is messy and complicated at best, gut wrenching and devastating at worst.

The decision to end an intimate relationship with children triggers difficult conversations. Unfortunately, for many intimate relationships difficult conversations have been deferred for months, even years. Anger may have replaced caring and support.

Either or both partners may be damaged, wounded, and vulnerable from the loss of caring and goodwill.

The reason for a separation is generally (except for DV) irrelevant to the legal process. The legal concept of no-fault divorce is/was an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. The good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is however a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law, mainly re: the costs.

In an earlier section, I requested that each parent assess their current emotional well-being as they enter this most important, joint initiative of explaining the separating to the children.

You must be prepared for these critical conversations with your children. The no-fault concept is a valuable tool as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation.   

Telling the Children

Our experience working with over 800 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing; a) hate tough conversations; b) may lead to more tears or fighting; c) sense of failure; d)  a desire to avoid open, parental conflict; e) unnecessary, children probably know; f) ill prepared; g) etc.

Not talking to your child (ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy. As parents, you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can.

“This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your changing family”! (Kids n Dad)

At the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover the ever-elusive calm from the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent.

Renewal is about optimism for what is achievable. The alternative is simply survival and to live life in an out of chaos, often for years or even a lifetime.

Renewal is doable provided each parent truly takes ownership for what I have discovered from our support for separating parents; namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm the above statement, they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

 Your question to every professional:

 ‘Do you (professional) have the tools to support our family through the chaos and anger, so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families… forever?

N.B. Read the essay by an adult child of a family separation. Included are several comments by children and parents from a split family. I found her essay poignant and profoundly sad!

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference.

a) Remember the no-fault approach.

b) Each parent must do their own assessment prior to a family conference re: the challenges facing each child. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc.

 There is an impact on every child in every stage of life- please understand this fact.

See the different parenting sections in the resources!

c) Once the above step has been done, the parents should compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. The previous step help parents begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.

d) Initially consider the broad strokes of an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions must be answered/explained. A parent who suddenly disappear does not support shared parenting.

An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. This is a trial agreement. Our resources offer ideas on a practical parenting plan and a short-term, financial plan for paying the bills. Be flexible, based on the feedback from the children.

e) The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics – Scary and somewhat unpredictable!

  1. If possible, do the conference together (Coloroso)- take as much time as necessary. You have developed a no-fault plan (script) anticipating possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations, where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no fault concept.

b) If possible, do the explanation conference a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.

c) Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.

d) Often, your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison.

Children generally choose an intact family over separation.

e) Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and may enter the family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating may have started months earlier by one parent, and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children.

Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.

f) At the conference, the opportunity exists to remind the children that the family continues in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change, but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.

g) The atmosphere that you create in the meeting allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions. The family meeting provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.

 h)  If the children are quiet (very possible), anticipate questions that are unasked.

 i) Plan a second meeting within a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable. Some of the initial discussion will simply have been a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.

j)   Take a moment to assess your sense of the conference and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.

k)) Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.

 l)  Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see, hear and imagine everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents and isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is more going on inside the child.

Questions to be answered from the practical to questions without an answer.

  1. For some time going forward, every problem with a child may ‘feel’ like it is a consequence of the separation. Remember that intact families have lots of problems. Your changed family life is more complicated for every family relationship; but you are still a parent and have a family.
  2. The way that you tell the children and set in motion the actual on the ground changes provides a building block- a foundation for what comes next and next and next.

Common Questions by Children.

  1. Where will we live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

b) Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener may seem to be a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable.

 The most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or tear into the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so, simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more; and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term.  It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that ‘as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period’. 

This is what I call the mutual, no-fault explanation or the mutual, both parties at fault explanation.  Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the cause of their failed, intimate relationship.

 Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation.

This doesn’t mean they were the cause-only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

 There is a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children.

The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference.

 Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Closing Comments

Barbara Coloroso (Parenting through Crisis) provides a list of what kids (your kids) need to hear. They are offered as a guide at the beginning of your family’s difficult journey to renewal in two homes.

Children need to hear:

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with mom and one with dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them. Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will never be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Every section in this site is intended to support you in your effort to love your children, ahead of your feelings of hurt, anger, loss and despair.

Telling the children launches your family into uncertain territory, where every relationship is under stress and risk. This may not feel like a step forward, but if done together within the no-fault framework, you have taken a step toward family recovery in a two home setting.

Money matters and separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal

Note: The following was written a few years ago and as such resources may be difficult to find; however, the subject matter/issues remain. Use the different sections to find more recent articles. The legal section also include information re: financial obligations.

Reality Check!

Two homes cost more than one home! Family income is unlikely to change in the short or medium future. The initial weeks and months are likely even more expensive and may lead to rising debt levels for most separating families. A lack of civil discourse or cooperation may delay the urgent need to change financial habits.

Another common characteristic for many couple breakdowns is overspending in the months leading up to the actual separation. Money issues in the intact family are a leading cause for a relationship to end.

Listed below are a number of topics and resources intended to spotlight the different financial concerns  confronting almost every parent and their family.

Financial woes often contribute to marriage breakdown. Statistics suggest many couples begin family life in debt. Life with children is expensive and debt and managing debt is often an ongoing concern and a cause for conflict. It is unsurprising that in separating, conflict over money is a continuing saga.

Before separation points to consider

Separation with children and two homes triggers for many separated couples a journey  from manageable debt to ever-increasing and often unmanageable day to day debt. Most middle and upper, middle class, intact families spend to the limit of their joint income. Most during their child rearing years were content with savings only in some form of pension and hopefully an increasing asset in their home.

These main assets are often tied up or unavailable for some time during the separating, legal process. Reading and understanding the legal impact on the financial side of separating is important for both parties.

Some articles to consider before and during separation

  1. Top 6 marriage-killing Money Issues (Investopedia)
  2. 5 Ways Your Partner Can Ruin Your Credit (Forbes)
  3. Getting divorced? Five steps to get your finances back on track. (Globe and Mail)
  4. What financial experts wish you knew about divorce (Globe and Mail)

Late in life separations

Late in life separations are more common today. A well-planned for retirement can be turned upside down when one or both parties choose to end the marriage. Often children are no longer at home; but may or may not be launched into work life. Adult children may turn for financial support at a time when parents feel guilty about their late in life separation.

Many 50+ age separating parents still have children in expensive post-secondary education and graduate programs. In the middle of a previously, certain trajectory of financial support an unexpected wrench is thrown into the mix. For many couples the assets are again a pension plan and home equity. The home based equity has often been eroded by borrowing from the asset to pay off borrowing in the intact family.

In many cases only one parent has a full pension plan and the equity in the home may vary widely. Many parents find their long-term financial plans must begin anew. Separations rarely time the market or housing at peak valuation. Women, depending on their circumstances, may find themselves with fewer resources; more specifically some may need to acquire the skill set to manage their own financial affairs. In addition one of the partners may enter a separation unaware of their financial position.

Resources on later in life separations

  1. Rising ‘grey divorce’ rates create financial havoc for seniors. (Globe and Mail)
  2. What to do when a midlife divorce derails retirement planning (Globe and Mail)
  3. From down payments to tuition, later-in-life divorces affecting plans to support adult children (Globe and Mail)
  4. I’ve seen people cleaned out: Divorce later in life (Financial Post)
  5. A divorce behind him and no company pension (National Post)
  6. Downsized: How a late-career job loss can derail retirement plans (Globe and Mail)

The Legal Section provides supportive materials on legal obligations re: child support, spousal support, extraordinary expenses, equalization, etc. The following resources are offered as common issues/questions that may be relevant in many separations at some time. If you can anticipate these ‘common’ happenings then you may be able to work through them in a non-destructive way.

Please do your own research.

Many Family Law lawyers provide a one off-one hour session  to answer/clarify questions that you may have for a fee – without being their client. Cost likely $400-500. They are not acting as your lawyer at this time.

The advice may provide clarity on the type of legal approach you wish to employ.

General separation and finance articles

There is an unending list of financial topics related to family breakdown. Many are specifically laid out in law re: financial responsibilities to children on a day-to-day basis through child support tables and extraordinary expenses. In addition, the law sets out the division of assets, settlement of debts and equalization. For many these require goodwill if the parents are going to navigate years of co-parenting.

Articles are from government and newspaper websites. They may be dated and/or no longer available, but the topics remain relevant in most cases and allows you to do your own searches. They may help you determine the need for employing a lawyer or other support services.

WARNING: The issues raised in the above articles often come from unusual situations specifically and impact the general population of separating families. Arriving at fair settlements should be your goal and not protracted legal settlements.

Final Thoughts

 Economic survivability may be initially manageable but cannot survive the challenge/test of a job loss or unexpected health crisis.

Budgeting for many two income couples has sometimes become a lost skill. It needs to be found-asap. Readings and tips may be found throughout the Resource Hub to help find low cost activities, etc.

  • Many couples need to separate/remove their names from accounts and credit cards ASAP.
  • Wills need to be updated, including possibly, the wills of grandparents!

Money is a not so funny issue once a separation occurs. It can be a source of bitterness that impacts parenting relationships and used by one parent with the children in the blame game.

An Open Letter to Separating Parents re: Child Parenting Arrangements

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

In our You’re Still Dad support group parents often spoke about the issue re: joint custody vs. sole custody. Our experience after almost twenty years working with newly separating parents suggests that the risk to the non-sole custody parent’s relationship with their child is significantly endangered in a sole custody arrangement.

Occasionally sole custody may be the ‘inevitable’ outcome given certain parenting histories; but it should be the exception whenever possible.

There are approaches known as parallel parenting that provide protection for either parent from possible high conflict. These plans attempt to identify parenting situations (hopefully) that could lead to conflict.  (See Resources on Parallel Parenting)

Preventive measures may be necessary until the parents find a calmer place.  In the recommended resource for before and during separation, there is a document detailing situations that may need a focused remedy.

Separated parents often look back after a few years separated and realize that they were driven by anger and revenge, based on their own vulnerability.

Advocates for sole custody desire a parenting plan agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and thus each parent would be held accountable for what they signed i.e. the parenting plan. The parents will not argue because decision-making is in one parent’s hands. A parallel parenting agreement can be similar, except for the decision-making protocol.

The above sounds fine in theory; however, the reality on the ground is often vastly different.

On sole custody

Our experience with sole custody suggests that the parent with sole custody believe that they are the parent in control given their power to make parenting decisions for all matters not set out in the parenting plan. The sole custody parent may find certain parenting obligations to be ‘inconvenient ‘and often desire more flexibility as life transitions in many ways e.g. a new partner.

Sole custody is often viewed as a blank check and the other parent may be left facing a decision of returning to court to enforce an agreement from an already weakened parent/child relationship.

While it is often the father and the father-child relationship that is endangered, it is the core position of the our work that the mother’s relationship is also at risk over time, as noted from a reading of two attached case resources. It is also a core contention that parents want the best for their children over the long term and are more than capable of loving their child more than they are angry with their former, intimate partner.

Joint/Shared custody provides a backstop to erratic, punitive behavior. It makes it more difficult for a parent to break the parenting plan terms with near impunity. Shared custody arrangements that are agreed to set a foundation willingly/voluntarily for the long-term parenting relationship.

 A recommended document, Child Custody, Access, and Parental Responsibility (Executive Summary) summarizes the research on the joint custody vs. sole custody debate and positive outcomes vs. negative outcomes for families.

The author, Edward Kruk U. of B.C. has been an effective advocate for joint custody based on the findings of research that he provides. At the core, his interpretation of the research matches up with any parent’s common sense; namely, that the positive involvement, support and love of each parent and extended family offers every child the best opportunity to navigate life’s challenges following a family breakdown.

The following is a blend of Dr. Kruk’s research compilation, Alberta’s Parenting After Separation and the decade of work by Kids n Dad Shared Support. It is offered as support for separating parents who want the best outcomes for their children.

Highlights

  1. Currently, advocates often frame parenting after a separation as a conflict over mother’s rights vs. father’s rights and the core support for each side are feminists and father’s groups. The rhetoric is often harsh and self-serving and leads us down a path nowhere near meeting the needs of their child (ren). Equally disturbing, this approach can lead professionals working with families down a path about choosing one parent over the other parent.

This is a choice that was never considered when just days before separating the parents were cooperating, parenting partners and each child had two loving parents in their life. The week or even the day before deciding to separate each parent likely had no problem with leaving the child (ren) in the care of the child’s other parent.

  • ‘Research is clear that children fare best in their post separation life when they maintain meaningful, routine parental relationships with both of their parents beyond the constraints of a “visiting” or  “access” relationship…’

The research also finds that such relationships a) protect children from negative parental conflict; b) provide stable financial support;

  • What is shared or joint custody parenting time?

The mere fact that this is a question under debate seems somewhat bizarre. After all the children are the parents’ children, not the Court’s property to pontificate over. The state should have some influence on ensuring the parents take their responsibility in a serious way and understand the implications for their children. The child’s view of the world should be understood and considered. Understanding the child’s concerns/wishes provide a basis for the parents’ decision-making.

The above is stated within the framework that is advocated by others including Dr. Kruk. His research endorses a legal shared responsibility presumption of at least 40% time with each parent. This would only be rebuttable/altered in the case of proven child abuse or domestic violence. Child Abuse and domestic violence would be considered separately.

 It is important to note that 40-45% of first-time abuse occurs after a separation in families with no previous history of such abuse. This suggests that the current path for separating fails separating families. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse in the post –separated family is committed at similar rates by both parents.

               ‘Recent research finds that inter-parental conflict decreases within shared parenting.’

                Each parent has a stake in modelling civilized, cooperative relationship with the other parent.

               The 40% parenting time presumption is a set as a minimum parenting time for each parent.

  • How do children do in joint custody arrangements?” …children in joint custody arrangements fare significantly better on all adjustment measures than children who live in sole custody arrangements.” (Bauserman 2002) Study after study supports this finding and research informs us that a missing or minimal fathering role leads to significantly worse adjustment measures for children from separated families.

N.B. These are findings from research done from substantial populations. There are many children from separated, sole parent families that do journey through childhood/adolescence successfully.

Inter-parental cooperation increases over time in shared parenting arrangements! In our work with over 600 clients the ‘great fear’ is the loss of their involvement as a parent with their child. Every parent, moms, and dads have this same fear. For dads it is often more real, more in their face all the time. If the separated parents manage to navigate their way through the anger and risks that often follow, they often settle into a more comfortable relationship.

The ‘great fear’ is reduced and the partner that we did not trust earlier can be trusted now. Why? Because they want the best for their child. Your parenting goals are now in sync.

The 40% parenting presumption offers parental respect for the other parent and their importance and their extended family’ importance in the child’s live.

 Consider for a moment what message the current process delivers to one parent. Their struggle is to get one more overnight, one more long weekend, a birthday with their child on their actual birthday, a sense that they matter as a respected parent, etc.;

  • Changing workplace participation has resulted in shared parenting roles in the intact family. Most separated parents believe in a form of ‘joint custody’. This demonstrates a general recognition that the parents need each other to effectively parent their children to meet the responsibilities of career and parenthood.

There is unfortunately a caveat to the ‘joint custody’ application to parenting plans. The current reality in Canada is that contested cases predominantly end with a form of sole custody. In addition, ‘joint custody’ on the ground reality is that one parent, usually the mother, often end with that parent becoming a de factor sole custody overtime.

Any combination of factors may contribute to this outcome, but at its core is the fact that the parent with the dominant parenting time  feels entitled to exercise more control and the ‘other parent with less time (3-4 overnights in a 14 day cycle) feels less connected and less important in their child’s life. The ‘other’ parent must often work extremely hard to meet their parenting role as their life moves on to a new family (blended family) or what we call a complicated family. For the ‘other’ parent’ and their child ‘fitting’ into the minority access parent’s home is complex and difficult.

Joint custody as practiced in Canada disappointingly often becomes another form of sole custody over time. The unequal/ reduced parenting time impacts each parent and states to the child and others in the family circle that the ‘other’ parent is somehow lesser and/or at fault for what has happened.  The best option of shared parenting has often been negated with the first stroke of a parenting agreement that sets out a disparity in parenting time.

Therefore, the minimum of 40% parenting time is considered to be the ‘best’ foundation for ensuring two parents and two extended family’s participation in each child’s daily life.

Comments

This web site is designed to promote best practices for separated families by setting out the rights and responsibilities of parents. Our purpose is not to recommend an approach that is likely to fail parents, children and grandchildren.

The presumption of 40% parenting time for each parent with their child and for the child with each parent provides the best framework to achieve effective, shared parenting and meet the needs and desires of most children when their parents have decided to separate.

The parents would negotiate the remaining parenting time based on what makes sense for the changing family. The advantage of the 40% presumption is the ‘trust’ factor that emerges. A parent is more likely to be ‘flexible’ at meeting the child’s and other parent’s ever-changing schedules.

Parenting plans can basically be what the parents decide. Tools in the Resource Hub lay out several considerations. The resources include the research supporting our advocacy for the 40% minimum. Listen to the voices provided by children, parents and grandparents who describe their lifelong loss; their voices capture their gratefulness at their parents’ choice of civility and cooperation.

A dad in describing his journey to a parenting plan that was always less than desired or fair found satisfaction that he and his children had reached a place where they now ‘owned’ their relationship. What he could not understand is why the journey took such a toll to reach that place. Owning the relationship with your children should be a given for each parent and extended family. The role of any support service must be to support families in that doable quest.

An Open Letter to Separated Parents on co-parenting

On By BarryIn Open Letter, Parents

‘Co-parenting depends on setting up new emotional boundaries and allowing your children to have their own emotions, identity, and choices. It requires leaving the past in the past, and focusing on the present and the future. More importantly, it requires never forgetting the vision that you are working together for your children’s greatest benefit’. – Elizabeth Hickey and Elizabeth Dalton, Healing Hearts

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we are committed to co-parenting as a core principle and underpinning for the approach set out in this site. Rarely in my work with 800+ families have I come across parenting situations, where a high level of cooperative parenting was impossible.

The on the ground reality is that effective, co-parenting following a separation is about the parents’ commitment to making it happen. Parenting competency is important, and it is key that each separating parent fills gaps in their parenting resume.

A few lessons I’ve learned in my work:

  •  Effective communication is/may be less timely and competes with the two parents building new lives, separate from each other.
  • Every intact family has defined their parenting roles based on many different factors. The outcome is parenting that works best for their intact family. Each parent brings to their parenting role similar skills and their own unique or complementary parenting strengths.
  • A separation and co-parenting require that each parent becomes competent in the other parent’s areas of parenting strength. This is not to usurp the other parent, but rather to harmonize the consistency in expectations and routines. All round parenting competency in areas of the other parent’s strength can’t be shrugged off entirely to the other parenting partner.
  •  A separation means that they are no longer your every moment parenting partner. This adjustment requires hard work on each parent’s part; but it is necessary and rewarding. The parenting strength that you observed in the other parent such as patience or warmth through hugs and touching can become part of your parenting DNA

When I started our little agency, I expected most separating families would have children from the ages of 8-15ish. It was quickly discovered that many of our clients had children, who were toddlers or barely of school age. Consider for a moment the parenting challenges faced by these parents (many of you) and their families to build inclusive, family homes for their children that will endure for a lifetime. It is clearly a daunting task that commences from the moment parents decide to separate.

Effective parenting in the changed family is about building two homes and creating a ‘new normal’ for your children. It doesn’t have to be identical, nor should it be; but it does need to be two homes where calm reigns over chaos and where children know that their parents are committed to their well-being.

Parenting after a separation has never ending resources and our intention is to set out a selection of resources that support effective co-parenting for different ages and stages of children. Reread the opening passage of our vision of being a parent. The awesome responsibility is understood from the moment your child is placed in your arms; and confirmed daily as they move through infancy to toddler to school age to adolescence to young adulthood. Providing for their needs and creating opportunities is the centrepiece of your transformed life. Take a few moments to reflect on those ‘simpler’ times because that ‘can do’ optimism and commitment is now required more than ever.

We employ the term ‘renewal’ deliberately to capture what the parenting process is all about. We are not marriage counsellors, but the process recommended provides time for sober, second thoughts.  Remember that you are both parents, and your children need you more than ever.

Search out the different essays, research, and articles listed in the parenting section of the Resource Hub. There will be motivated to become better educated and parenting courses for changed parenting. will be many additional resources from professionals for your consideration.

In the recommended resources you will find a selection of professional comments on parenting through a separation.

Parenting for family renewal

Parenting through a separation is more difficult than in an intact family. Parenting is simultaneously difficult and rewarding in the best of circumstances; but in a separating family tension between the parents and the end of intimacy may adversely influence every family relationship.

To have the best opportunity for parenting success, children must know that they are loved and valued in each parent’s home. This requires the endorsement of the ‘other’ parent by the ‘other’ parent. Remembering that you are the ‘other’ parent may help in accomplishing desired goals for your child.

A parent can give out negative vibes in many ways to their children when their child sets off to their other home and return to their other home. Negative vibes = abusive behavior directed not only at the other parent but at your child. Research suggests that children of divorce often feel that they don’t belong in either home over time. Our mission, as parents imposing a changing family structure on our child, must be to build inclusive family relationships.

Inclusiveness does not occur when parents are smothering or needy or negative. Renewal is built from recognizing both parents’ love for their child and the complementary strengths of each parent. Reread the article: After my parents divorced… for more.

Building trust

It is important to build parenting trust. This means trying to maintain schedules and minimizing irritants around clothing and toys left at the other parents’ home.

Keep a visible schedule in both homes of overnights and all other activities. This can be done by computer and a master schedule can minimize too many intrusions into the other parent’s changing life.

A scheduled, bi-weekly conversation during the early months is advisable. This could eventually become monthly. Following a conversation, the parents could decide to seek out their child’s input re: any modifications.

Changes should be only about the calendar, not about changing the basics of parenting time. The latter could seriously breech parenting trust.

Managing common issues

  • There is a risk that normal responsibilities assigned as learning tools for your children in an intact family are abandoned in one or both homes after separating. That is not unusual, but unfortunate. The fear of alienating your child through enforcement of responsibilities is common for many families.
  •  An earlier section identifies the ‘common fear’ of separating parents. Feeling like you are one short step from child rebellion and losing your child to the other parent is a major concern…and leads to ineffective parenting.
  • Parents need to come together through parenting conversations on topics of responsibilities and discipline. A common approach would be supportive of each other ‘in the long run’ and to be honest the long run is what this is all about. That is a difficult approach to accept by both newly and longer term separated families.
  • A problem re: parenting differences may be an extension already apparent in the intact family. In some cases the differences are fundamental gaps in parenting philosophy. To employ an oversimplification, one parent is more permissive, and the other parent is punishment centred. Consider the differences in your parenting style in the intact family and try to anticipate what differences are likely to be tested in the two homes scenario. This could lead to a preventative conversation.
  • As a general rule, the parent with parenting responsibility on specific days determines the rules, etc., within their household. The other parents don’t have the authority/power to change that under normal circumstances. If the child is at risk in the other parent’s home, the parent is obligated to seek out a protective remedy. It is recommended, if there is a growing concern that has been ignored or stonewalled, a professional therapist should be employed. Options should be included in any parenting plan.
  • Parenting differences may occur at any age, but probably feel riskier with tweens to mid adolescence youth. These are children that can change their residence by simply walking to the other home. I have rarely, actually never, met a ‘other parent’ who would not welcome their ‘troubled’ child at least once. It is occasionally done as a joint, parenting decision; often though it may be viewed as an opportunity by a parent with less parenting time. It may occur through the recommendation of a child counsellor. The change of residence almost always creates parenting havoc and requires understanding. For some parents, the unexpected arrival of an older child places strains on second relationships. (see section on blended/complicated families)
  • Parents need to pay attention to routines such as bedtimes, mealtimes and getting ready for school. Two homes often have different schedules for routine day to day ‘stuff’. Getting up in the morning; eating times or sit down together time; activity level; delegating responsibility; hugging and comforting each other; bedtimes and how it happens; staying informed of each other’s whereabouts and availability; a  more than passable acquaintance of the children’s friends and parents; etc.
  •  Harmonizing routines (above areas) are a good thing, but often difficult to accomplish. Children do adjust to changes in school routines all the time. However, you need to be patient and alert to how your child is coping. Remember the ultimate parenting challenge is ensuring that your child feels like they are welcomed and belong in the family home that you are creating.
  •  In the intact family, there has been a history of ‘working out’ schedules for your children- especially young children. Remember the earlier observation re: the number of families separating with pre-toddler and primary age children.
  • A separation creates two homes with each parent needing to work out appropriate schedules that MUST be met. Children departing a school bus must be met; a JK child must be picked up on time afterschool- work schedule blips be dammed. All is doable!
  • One parent may be less competent at managing these kinds of details. Some fathers have defaulted that management task to their parenting partner in the intact family.
  •  A default position doesn’t work for the two-home family, if that parent wants to be the full parenting partner recommended here. Again, this is all doable, but may require an attitude change.
  • One of the most significant changes in parenting from an intact family for some parents is that they must take on the role of a full player in every way.
  • While we insist on full information flow on all matters children, it does not preclude full, on-site participation as a mother or father for the full range of activities and appointments for your child. You are going to be busier than you have ever been!
  • The impact of a separation on our job is very real. The intact family has likely found ongoing supports and a working formula. It may not be ideal and requires constant tweaking or even reconstruction. It is however a joint effort.
  •  As a separating parent with a less than flexible parenting schedule, you face serious obstacles. A simple example for some separated parents revolves around employment at big box stores. In many cases an employee (parent) is required to work 3 weekends per month. Most parenting agreements are based on alternate weekends. Our experience suggests that a separated parent could lose 1/3 of their weekend parenting time. If you are a parent with less than equal time, this is a devastating consequence.
  • Explaining money priorities to your children is a difficult task. This can mean that parents miss extra activities because they ‘choose’ to work (overtime) to help meet financial responsibilities. The same family income prior to separating is inadequate to meet the financial obligations of two homes.
  • Parenting plans need to be precise and realistic about extraordinary expenses. For some parents it is a choice between rebuilding a parenting relationship or becoming a less consequential parent. This has negative consequences for the child.
  • Parents must guard against shifting parenting responsibility for younger children care to an older sibling. While there are growth outcomes, there are also inherent risks. A few of those risks include a) a parent not making the required change in their own life to be an effective parent; b) the child losing out on being a child/teen; c) an older child does not have the life experience to be a parent; d) older child sees the parent as selfish and using them to build a new, social life- free of the marriage.
  • Separated parents must find their own parenting rhythm and create new traditions in their home. I am particularly fond of the parent, who built the tradition of reading books every evening with their child. The story goes that that they went 14 years without missing. They created a special, new tradition and it became part of their relationship forever. Every parent can build their own connection(s) with each of their children.
  • It is important to have/allow pictures that connect the past of the family to the present and future. In our work on parenting plans, many parents, usually dads, unknowingly fail to seek out copies of family pictures upon separating.
  •  Both parents are keepers of the family history, and both homes should have the visual connectedness. Obviously, there must be discretion in the choices made, but this step is important and sends a positive message to your children and is a reminder of better times with your children’s other parent. A child should have their own place to visually keep pictures etc. of their other parent.
  • Children often watch for signs of reconciliation. Guard against giving children false expectation. If one parent constantly gives out such a signal to their child, they are doing a disservice to their child. Often, they may unconsciously be using their child to apply pressure on the other parent.
  • Parenting through a separation can sometimes feel grinding/waring. Try to include in your weekly routine fun activities, as well as completing homework. Try to find creative opportunities. In the attachments are a list of low-cost activities.
  • Try to find opportunities for one to one activities/conversation with each child. This requires an emotionally healthy you. Stability and predictability are cornerstones of the family structure that you are trying to build in the early months and years following a separation.
  • Informing and receiving updates re: your child from key players in your child’s life should become part of your routine. These players would be teachers, coaches and significant others. It is important to attend all parents’ nights, and if possible, supervise school trips. Know your child’s friends and be acquainted with their parents. Sleepovers for youngish children adds a degree of normalcy, fun and flexibility. Don’t outsource supervision.
  • Whenever possible, see your children off with a kiss, hug and optimism; welcome them home with enthusiasm and interest in their day.
  • Start to rebuild your relationship with past friends and make new friends. Your children are (re) assessing who you are in this changed family. A separated parent can become isolated from the wider world. It is important that your child see you in different settings and observe that you are well liked, appreciated and respected by others.
  •  Have difficult conversations with relatives and friends, who have distanced themselves. State your needs as a parent and your expectation/desire that they should continue to be your friend and welcome your children as your children.
  • An important, but not completely understood (at least by me at the time), is that each parent is now tasked with shaping the building of a new home with their children. Your child’s in-house time with you (day-to-day parenting) varies, but it does not mitigate your changed parenting role.
  •  It is a mindset that many parents, but perhaps dads more than mothers, fail to grasp. Life is not just in transition for your children because it seems that way to you!

Search out the appropriate resources

Be proud of yourself for taking this new role seriously. Other sections of our site focus on the changing role of mothers and fathers following a separating. Understanding the challenges of each other helps us to be sensitive to their parenting approach; also, it allows you to anticipate what may be coming at you and your children.

Forgive yourself for being an all too human parent. There is a wonderful quality that captures what you need to be an effective separated parent: RESILIENCY!

Older Children and a Separation- The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children develop to a certain age i.e. late- adolescence or early 20’s- to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and appear remarkably independent.

 I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that this age group/your child will likely have to accept/endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities and for sure they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction i.e. who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance, here.

A family unit that has always remained intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that these children have known. For some parents at this stage, there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage; it is my time to find happiness’. That is not an unreasonable feeling, but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise, your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Personal Note: my son was 19+ when his mother and I separated. It was ‘assumed’ that he would manage (at least I assumed) the family breakdown. His reality of course was something different. As unhappy intimate partners, we failed to anticipate the impact on our 19 year old son.

A parental split rarely/never go as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition, there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become long-lasting.

 Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited opportunities with your child. Different perspectives of older children can cause serious, long-lasting rifts.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended, negative outcomes are more likely to endure, when older children are no longer under the same roof. There is less together time to repair the damage/to work it through. In addition, each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child.

1. Reaction is very individual.

2. Any # of symptoms.

3. Often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.

4. Often blame one parent. See the other parent as being abandoned.

5. They may also decide to live separate lives.

Make your own list for your children and your common and unique parent-child relationship!

Possible steps

  • An adult explanation.
  • No side taking in conversation with your child.
  • Marriage happened- Shared history.
  • Serious thought given to explanation i.e. honest without defamation.
  • Find ways to manage family events and including extended family/grandparents.
  • Issues: Inheritance, Financial; Children’s education.

Thoughts

  • Flexibility re: schedule with children.  Persistent in making getting together happen. Manage with calm and understanding re: difficulty at making arrangements.
  • Transition to a ‘sort of ‘adult relationship. They are still a ‘child’, but like all growing children, the style of the relationship is changing- even more so in these circumstances.
  • Each child’s reaction is unique to them and often based on their recent past relationship with each parent.
  • Flexibility on finances i.e. child support and other expenses. I say this because at this age the children may set their own schedule, based on their whims and the parent in favour.
    • If you can work out a formula to pay additional costs (if needed) to one parent (if they exist), you can reduce the children’s sense of blaming one parent or the other re: financial shortfall or decisions that affect their lives.
    • Finding a process or the will to implement a fair system can lead to less conflict for future family get togethers.
  • New dating relationships often trigger reactions from a former partner and from children. It adds a permanence- a forever changed piece that the intact family is ending and new relationships are beginning.
    • It may not matter to the ‘non-moving on former partner’ that you did it in a tactful, timely and sensitive way. Their reaction often has negative repercussions on the children and their initial reactions. You can only do your best at managing the situation. Your former partner could do dangerous or manipulative actions and you need to be prepared for that possibility, and take appropriate, protective steps. This can be very dangerous stuff!
  • Often one partner is ready to move on, the other isn’t or changes their mind from being ready. Sometimes in doing so, the moving on parent may feel the wrath of family, friends and children in the timing of dating. Older children can be volatile, and their negative judgment can be devastating to a parent, especially when added to that of other significant persons in your life.
  •  One has to be cautious BUT you are the only one who knows the past history of aloneness from a long-term, empty, intimate relationship. Don’t beat yourself up over the reactions of others. Consider the best, next steps.
  •  Often, they are to carry on and time will simply move every one past the current objections. There is no excuse for dangerous behaviors by the other party. In short, simply be the best parent that you can be in these circumstances!

See recommended resources in adolescence and young adulthood!

Open Letter: Personal Recovery

On By BarryIn Fathers, Mothers, Open Letter

Recovery

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental? The questions about personal recovery are never-ending, but important.

A Personal Story

I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and how we would tell our parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

I offer this anecdote because it is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out . . . eventually. Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In this site’s resources there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief—similar to the death of a loved one—may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

Resilience

Your resilience is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resilience will serve you well. Included in the readings are research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Going Forward

Included among our resources are book recommendations and personal stories that our 600+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal. Please take time to consider the resources on mental health and depression, as these things can have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace. Many of the resources available on this site are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting or relationship problems you have never before encountered. Support groups or educational seminars may provide similar understanding and a sense of comradery with fellow travelers on this journey of separation.

Books and resources can provide an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of your family’s life. I considered those books I encountered in my own journey to be lifesaving, for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium. I found comfort in learning that those things that were happening in my life had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

Featured

The Family Conference

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children, Fathers, Mothers

The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.

There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference

  • Remember the no-fault approach
  • Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
  • Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
  • Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
  • The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics

  • If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
  • If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
  • Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
  • Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
  • Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
  • At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
  • The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
  • If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
  • Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
  • Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
  • Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
  • Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.

No-Fault Divorce and Family Renewal

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Fathers, Mothers

Even at the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover calm out of the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent. Renewal is about optimism about what is achievable. Together, these concepts can help you to navigate the challenging conversations ahead—with each other, with the children, with friends and family—by uniting your efforts in a common vision. The alternative is simply to act in survival and to live life in and out of chaos for years or even a lifetime.

The No-Fault Approach

The reason for a separation for most parties is normally irrelevant to the legal process. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the reason for their failed intimate relationship. Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation. This doesn’t mean they were the cause—only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

The legal concept of no-fault divorce is an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. Unfortunately the good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is, however, a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach that has recent favour. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law.

The question for every professional from you:

“Do you (professional) have the tools to help our family make it through the chaos and anger so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families forever?”

Family Renewal

Renewal is possible if each parent truly takes ownership of their most important focus as separating parents—namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm that statement then they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

To separate or not to separate?

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

The initial reason to end an intimate relationship with children is often unclear to one or both parties. It may simply be the accumulation of factors that have resulted in the gradual end of intimacy and supportive caring. 

The consequence is that the actual process of separating may take many different forms. They may range from a single, precipitating event to a drip, drip, drip separating i.e. continued co-habiting without intimacy. Some separating parents have an opportunity for a ‘rebuild’ and others less so.

Second thoughts in a calm environment can lead to finding the right professional services to support this process. Even if the parents decide to separate, a calm approach is more likely to create conditions for a parent and child friendly future.

If one parent is very comfortable that separating is the right decision, then that must be accepted and should not cloud respectful decisions re: parenting the children.

 If getting past the choice to separate by the other parent is too difficult or blocking your way to compromise or personal recovery, then you need to seek professional support. In addition, it is often helpful to find a friend that is able to provide trusted feedback to you re: your state of mind and the choices that you are considering. This has risk for your friendship and needs to be done with agreement on the rules for openness. An honest discussion about what you need could open the conversation. On the other hand, continuing, destructive behaviors may have serious consequences on the friendship and many other relationships. Many family member and close friends can be lost to a chaotic process.

 This is a critical moment for many significant relationships in your life- not just your (former) intimate partner.

Entering the FRRP with an expectation to rebuild an intact relationship potentially is going to have negative outcomes (anger/frustration). Let the relationship play itself out. Rarely can you persuade the other person to make a different choice. The other partner has to come to that choice.

 Time is often required! If both parents go through the FRRP and one person decides that separation is right for them, then finding your path to acceptance and personal recovery is necessary. The final decision by one party to separate can trigger a return to anger, despair and sadness. This is the time when poor choices are often made.

Separating: Is there a better way?

 Remember the obvious- separations rarely occur because the partners are feeling good about the other partner. In fact, many signs have likely been available for some time about one or both party’s unhappiness. Sometimes this lack of togetherness has been masked by busyness at work or through a focus on a child (ren) engaged in activities. One or both parents may have found it convenient to deny the reality of a distancing intimacy.

A few considerations to avoid negative triggers:

  1. Don’t put off a conversation about your intimate relationship. It may feel dangerous; but ignore at your own peril. Many couples have been sleeping alone upstairs/downstairs for months.

This ‘arrangement’ can change in a moment i.e. ‘a dead relationship walking’; so we need to be aware of that possibility and the anger that can accompany such a change. Separating needs to be done by agreement, not following a heated argument that can have lasting, negative outcomes.

  • The matrimonial home: Preferably I don’t believe that either parent should leave the family home unless they have negotiated and signed off on a basic, interim parenting plan. A possible interim parenting plan is offered in the attachments.
  •  This site provides a process for the parents to explain to the children in an age appropriate way what is taking place and to answer any questions. See the sections on talking to the children and stages of development.
  •  There needs to be no rush to finalize anything! An interim parenting plan may provide some breathing room. An interim plan is not a comprehensive, separation agreement and not considered problems may surface. The principles of the agreement and the ultimate goals should govern these concerns. It is important to remember that children need their parents to be a model of civility. The mere fact of your separation triggers uncertainty, doubts and questions often left unasked by you children. They are constantly sensing everything that is going on.
  •  Remember that common parental fear re: losing your child in the separating process. A small success leads to further successes. Can you both attend school or extracurricular activities? Can you communicate about medical issues re: your children? Can you make the occasional parenting switch to deal with life? This immediate transition period is about rebuilding parenting trust at a time when relationship trust has been damaged.

             ‘The act of divorce in itself is not dishonourable; but we are meant to be conscious about the manner in which we conduct ourselves during the process of recanting our vows.’ (Carolyn Myss, Anatomy of the Spirit)

A Personal Story of Separating

It was a sunny March afternoon when I departed the family home. My three children (ages 12, 16, 19) were doing what they do on a Saturday afternoon. My wife and I had deferred the separating or not conversation for some time; but for some reason the conversation had begun anew in the past few days and I for some unknown reason agreed to be the one to leave the home. In some ways, that most important second decision (who would leave) was taken for granted. I insisted that everyone that mattered understood that there was no fault by myself or perhaps more accurately that fault lay in equal portions between us. For some reason it seemed important in the lead up to this day that friends and extended family understood this no-fault/mutual fault thing?

The leaving for many fathers is a default position where we are still in our caretaking role and our belief that we can handle living with less comfort and without children.

I had arranged to stay at a colleague’s in-laws’ home. What I thought was a basement apartment was a small Room with a shared bathroom.  I unpacked my bag of a few items and sat there pondering the future. I had spent no time preparing for this moment!

Leaving the family home without my children was immediately devastating/overwhelming. I was totally unprepared for the impact. Sleep would not be my companion that night as I processed the past decisions. The night before leaving I slept on my 12 year old daughter’s bedroom floor beside her bed. I prayed that she would somehow sense that I loved her forever …through whatever. I feared that she was at the most vulnerable stage.

I decided to return to the family home the next morning to tell my children’s mother my plight. She was insistent that we had made an agreement and that I should honour it. It was an emotional conversation!

 I recall the journey home that morning and my emotional vulnerability after that first night outside of ‘our’ home and my children. The familiar drive took me by a swamp that I barely noted in the past. I had this powerful urge to drive straight into the beckoning darkness and simply end the pain. Most people who know me would suggest that I was normally the rock in the family; yet within twenty-four hours I had entered a dark place, unknown in my pre-separating life.

 One change had taken place following my short return ‘visit’ to my family home. My 16 year old daughter chose to live with me. She packed a few things and returned to the Room. I don’t know if I was supposed to tell her to remain in the family home with all her middle class comfort.  I was probably selfish at that moment. I knew the role of being a parent. I desperately needed to be reminded that I was indeed a parent and that just maybe that would not disappear.

That night as my daughter slept in our 10 by 10 Room, I pondered from my bed on the floor what the next step would be. I remember the mixture of feeling like a failure as a father, an intimate partner and a provider.

My daughter’s choice brought on that second evening thankfulness over despair. I had my swamp moment for the only time in this journey. I recall it still as if yesterday and of course the blessing of my daughter who reminded me that I was still a dad! I have never forgotten that gift.

Lessons

 My personal story is about thinking that you understand what is about to take place. Probably not! a) The swamp moment was not in my plan; b) life without my children-even for a day-was not in my plan; c) life outside the family home was not in my plan; d) my daughter moving out to live with me was not in my plan; e) splitting the children was not in my plan; f) etc.

The decision to separate triggers emotions that can shock and disappoint you about yourself and/or your former intimate partner. At the same time, life continues in ways that you may be ill-prepared.

Judith Wallerstein (What About the Kids) suggests there are three immediate challenges that every separated parent faces simultaneously with the emotional turmoil that may grip you in the first days, weeks, and months.

  1. Getting your life under control. Restoring yourself and rebuilding your supports.
  2. You must prepare the children for the break-up and support them through the crisis.
  3. Create a new relationship between you and you former intimate partner and the other parent in your children’s lives.

Comments

Many (most) parents are dealing with at minimum a low level of depression prior to separating. The actual triggering of the separation often unleashes more emotions and may deepen depression.

As parents, we often at this moment focus on our children (rightly so); but this can add to our own sense of failure. We feel an obligation to take care of everyone else –children and grandparents.

Caring for ourselves must be an ongoing process; it is important to find moments immediately where you build in your day activities that distract you from your current day-to-day crisis.

Make a list of 3-5 such activities that could fit your daily schedule.

Obsessiveness. It is very easy to fall into this trap. You may become very easily a non-stop talker and non-stop thinker about what is taking place in your family life. Your time with the kids is more nervous than ‘normal’- even interrogating children. Your time with friends and colleagues is about bending their ear or hearing them armchair quarterback your situation.

Self-Discipline. Allocate a limited time to focus on the different relationship problems. Obsessiveness leads only to circular thinking and saps your energy. Find time that is free from your normal routine.

In our section on talking to the children, there is an approach that reinforces a no-fault explanation and advocates for a two- parent involvement approach. The more that you own this approach you will be supporting all parties through the crisis.

The children’s health has positive consequences on your mental health.

Accept that parenting is much harder in a separating family on almost every possible front. It is also doable!

Both parents need to make a list of significant others in each child’s life who should be updated on the family situation i.e. teachers, coaches, caregivers, etc. They can be a valuable resource. Again, a no-fault approach should be employed. Do not enlist people in personal day-to-day updates re: perceived failings of the child’s other parent.

Accept that you can’t make everything perfect for your children. You weren’t able to do so in the intact family – don’t add unnecessary emotional baggage. Don’t turn the children into your comfort blanket. It is too easy to do and it is likely to turn them off the other parent OR lead them to escape your smothering.

Your relationship with your children changes in many ways.

List how it has changed already!

 If you try to insist that there is to be no change, it is likely that you are insisting on pushing the other parent away.

The new relationship with the other parent begins with how you separate and the approach on explaining the separation to the children.

Our emotional state can have long-lasting consequences. You must ignore the hurtful, emotional response and remain focused on positive outcomes for the children and thus yourself.