Category: Children

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Telling the Children

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children

Our experience working with over 600 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing so:

  • they hate tough conversations
  • they worry it may lead to tears or fighting
  • they are feeling a sense of failure
  • they wish to avoid open parental conflict
  • they assume the children probably know
  • they feel ill prepared
  • etc., etc.

Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy, and not talking to your child(ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. As parents you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can. To do this, you need to work together to  prepare a plan for how to inform your children while also anticipating their fears and questions.

The joint concepts of a no-fault divorce and family renewal are valuable tools as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation. Together, you can use these concepts to prepare a script to help you navigate the emotional and often unpredictable family conference with a common goal: helping your family to heal and grow through the changes to come.

Common Questions by Children:

  1. Where will we kids live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener some may seem to be simply a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or rip the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term. It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period of time. This is what I call the mutual no-fault explanation or the mutual both parties at fault explanation. Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long-run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach.

This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your now changing family!

Older Children and a Separation- The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children develop to a certain age i.e. late- adolescence or early 20’s- to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and appear remarkably independent.

 I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that this age group/your child will likely have to accept/endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities and for sure they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction i.e. who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance, here.

A family unit that has always remained intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that these children have known. For some parents at this stage, there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage; it is my time to find happiness’. That is not an unreasonable feeling, but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise, your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Personal Note: my son was 19+ when his mother and I separated. It was ‘assumed’ that he would manage (at least I assumed) the family breakdown. His reality of course was something different. As unhappy intimate partners, we failed to anticipate the impact on our 19 year old son.

A parental split rarely/never go as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition, there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become long-lasting.

 Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited opportunities with your child. Different perspectives of older children can cause serious, long-lasting rifts.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended, negative outcomes are more likely to endure, when older children are no longer under the same roof. There is less together time to repair the damage/to work it through. In addition, each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child.

1. Reaction is very individual.

2. Any # of symptoms.

3. Often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.

4. Often blame one parent. See the other parent as being abandoned.

5. They may also decide to live separate lives.

Make your own list for your children and your common and unique parent-child relationship!

Possible steps

  • An adult explanation.
  • No side taking in conversation with your child.
  • Marriage happened- Shared history.
  • Serious thought given to explanation i.e. honest without defamation.
  • Find ways to manage family events and including extended family/grandparents.
  • Issues: Inheritance, Financial; Children’s education.

Thoughts

  • Flexibility re: schedule with children.  Persistent in making getting together happen. Manage with calm and understanding re: difficulty at making arrangements.
  • Transition to a ‘sort of ‘adult relationship. They are still a ‘child’, but like all growing children, the style of the relationship is changing- even more so in these circumstances.
  • Each child’s reaction is unique to them and often based on their recent past relationship with each parent.
  • Flexibility on finances i.e. child support and other expenses. I say this because at this age the children may set their own schedule, based on their whims and the parent in favour.
    • If you can work out a formula to pay additional costs (if needed) to one parent (if they exist), you can reduce the children’s sense of blaming one parent or the other re: financial shortfall or decisions that affect their lives.
    • Finding a process or the will to implement a fair system can lead to less conflict for future family get togethers.
  • New dating relationships often trigger reactions from a former partner and from children. It adds a permanence- a forever changed piece that the intact family is ending and new relationships are beginning.
    • It may not matter to the ‘non-moving on former partner’ that you did it in a tactful, timely and sensitive way. Their reaction often has negative repercussions on the children and their initial reactions. You can only do your best at managing the situation. Your former partner could do dangerous or manipulative actions and you need to be prepared for that possibility, and take appropriate, protective steps. This can be very dangerous stuff!
  • Often one partner is ready to move on, the other isn’t or changes their mind from being ready. Sometimes in doing so, the moving on parent may feel the wrath of family, friends and children in the timing of dating. Older children can be volatile, and their negative judgment can be devastating to a parent, especially when added to that of other significant persons in your life.
  •  One has to be cautious BUT you are the only one who knows the past history of aloneness from a long-term, empty, intimate relationship. Don’t beat yourself up over the reactions of others. Consider the best, next steps.
  •  Often, they are to carry on and time will simply move every one past the current objections. There is no excuse for dangerous behaviors by the other party. In short, simply be the best parent that you can be in these circumstances!

See recommended resources in adolescence and young adulthood!

Featured

The Family Conference

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children, Fathers, Mothers

The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.

There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference

  • Remember the no-fault approach
  • Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
  • Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
  • Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
  • The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics

  • If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
  • If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
  • Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
  • Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
  • Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
  • At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
  • The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
  • If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
  • Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
  • Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
  • Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
  • Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.
adult child and elderly mom on beach

Older Children and Separation

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children
adult child and elderly mom on beach

The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children grow to a certain age (late-adolescence or early 20s) to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and often appear remarkably independent.

I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that your child will likely have to accept or endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities, though they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction , such as who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance here.

A family unit that has only known being intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that the children have known. For some parents at this stage there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage, it is my time to find happiness’ position. That is not an unreasonable feeling but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Anticipating Challenges

A parental split rarely if ever goes as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become too long-lasting. Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited, reduced opportunities with your child. Different perspectives among older children can cause serious rifts that can be long-lasting.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended negative outcomes are more likely to endure when older children are no longer under the same roof because there is less together time to repair the damage and to work it through. In addition each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Planning to Tell the Older Children

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child. Reactions are very individual and may include many mixed reactions:

  • Older children often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.
  • Older children often blame one parent and see the other parent as being abandoned.
  • Older children may also decide to live their life separate from one or both parents.

When discussing the plan to separate with your older children, please consider these points:

  • Offer older children a grown-up, age-appropriate explanation that is honest without defamation.
  • Let your grown children know that they are not expected to take sides in the separation process.
  • Let your children know that the shared history you have built together as a family will not be forgotten or dismissed.
  • Find ways to manage family events and include extended family and grandparents.
  • Plan in advance how matters such as inheritance, education, and financial support will be managed so that any practical questions can be answered.

Supporting adolescents in separating families

On By BarryIn Children, Parents

This resource for for separating and changed families was compiled based on Barry’s research and work with organizations and separating families.

 Adolescence

The majority of children of divorce live through their adolescence in the post-divorce family.

At the time of my family separation the children were 12, 16, and 19. The two oldest children were adopted at birth (two months). I mention this only because it added perhaps an extra layer of failure. In addition at the time of separation I had taught 21 years of secondary school and coached boys’ and girls’ varsity basketball for most of those years. I used to say that no one spent more time with adolescents.

I mention this for it is important to understand your current relationship with each child for it is now potentially at risk. This assessment will provide a roadmap for future building blocks. In the intact family this assessment seems unnecessary except in a crisis. The crisis is now here, even if you believe otherwise.

It is safe to say that adolescence in an intact family is a difficult passage in the best of times. As such it is important to find a place where the focus is not on blaming everything that goes wrong in our teen’s behavior on our separation and the behavior of their other parent.

In the section on parenting there are many tools set out to navigate the early stage on how to separate. The way you separate will influence the challenges that your family may face.

The different forces at work are important in understanding your teen; more importantly it helps you to understand your new, complicated parenting role. It is the now and future that is important.

A separation at a time of adolescent children is a unique and high risk challenge for each parent-child relationship.

I would say that for all my experience with young people I could have lost my relationship with each child along the way. Estrangement was mostly short-term-even though it brought on the ‘great fear’ of every separating parent i.e. losing the relationship with your child on a daily basis.

In an ideal world each child would continue to have a loving and supportive relationship with each parent and their lives would continue to have all the supportive family relationships prior to the breakdown.

The above is the mission of Kids ‘n’ Dad.

The majority of children of divorce enter and live through their adolescence in the post-divorce family. This is a critical fact for every parent.

Children, infant to late adolescence all go through adolescence and the family renewal or failure to do so impacts each child. Chaos at age 7 creates significant likelihood for chaos in adolescence- often a time for teen struggles.

There are some general research findings that suggest some common outcomes. It does not mean all adolescent children go through each outcome:

  • Children of divorce enter adolescence earlier than children of intact families.
  • They persist in adolescent behaviour longer than their peers. Some teenagers go through volatile times with every significant person in their lives.
  • It is a period of moral and intellectual growth.
  • As ‘unpredictable’ a teenager appears, they have a new capacity to think, question, formulate their opinions, care, love and push away.
  • Approach this with a sense that the teenager is full of potential and that they’ll get through it and it’ll be much easier.
  • Even in the best parent-child relationship (open), a parent often finds their adolescent has a different perspective on what has taken place in the family journey.
  • The divorce makes them think about why it happened, who was responsible, other family relationships, etc.
  • They feel the need to think about the right and wrong in human relationships and whether they can avoid taking the turn you did or not.
  • Teenagers’ concerns are more urgent and demanding re: what they want in their futures and what they want to achieve.
  • Teenagers believe they know what happened because they were in the home when the breakdown played out. Even younger children approach adolescence with a learned viewpoint of what took place or possible responsibility or blame for one parent’s unhappiness, etc.
  • Many adolescents have likely witnessed new, intimate relationships in their parents’ lives and thus their own lives. This is occurring at a time of relationship building and experimentation in their own lives.
  • Less structure and discipline at home pull them into adolescence earlier.
  • Children of divorce are less supervised. Teenagers with less supervision take advantage of this fact.
  • Risky behavior for teens is common enough in the intact family; in a separated family where everyone may be trying to build a separate home and to find intimacy, a child’s risky behaviors can be missed, overlooked, or simply ignored.

Tips for supporting your adolescent children

I like to suggest that parents need to reflect on their own adolescence – in an intact or separated family. I think doing adequate soul searching may help you to employ the best tools in your parenting toolbox. It is important to employ tools that are about helping your teen navigate challenges that are going to be in their future again and again.  

  • Be vigilant without being ultra-suspicious.
  • Don’t give your youngest the impression that you anticipate trouble.
  • Stay in touch with teens, express interest in their lives.
  • State values clearly to avoid your teens getting in trouble.
  • Remember that your child’s judgement is seriously flawed by adolescent impulsiveness.
  • Be able to establish between normal behaviour and harmful acting out. You can’t do so unless you’re connected to your children.

The role of a step parent does not have the same responsibilities or authority as the biological parent. You are encouraged to read our section and articles on Blended families. Teens make life very complicated for many blended families. Adolescents soon realize that if they act out and do something wrong, a parent who is fully occupied in a second marriage will come running.

Children changing residence

  • Many ask to change their residency during adolescence. If you follow through, be sure you and your ex plan the move carefully. My two youngest teens each changed residence. Neither was done in the way suggested below:
  • If your child moves in with the father, make plans that include all parties, with certain conditions attached.
  • Don’t carry disappointing news.
  • If your child plays blow-up games, you and your ex must talk frequently, not just when the blow-up happens.
  • Some children feel like unwelcome intruders and will show up on the parent’s doorstep 10 years after the divorce. You and your new partner should be prepared for this possibility.

Establishing rules

Setting news rules re: concerning grades, curfew, etc. is difficult to do. Normal parenting (?), if such exists, often is difficult to implement at the time of transition. It can be complicated if the parent is dating or the arrival of a new teen on a more permanent home is going to create havoc in the new home.- havoc is not the teen’s fault- it just is the situation. Just try your best and stay CALM! Be aware of your new partner’s needs!

  • You have more influence than you realize.
  • What can you do if your child continues to get in trouble?
  • There isn’t a remedy for every adolescent crisis. Sometimes life must take its course.
  • Your child will be secretly impressed by the attention they gather from a family meeting to discuss their behaviour and the crisis.
  • If your child seems irrationally angry at you both, it may stem from earlier on.
  • The sense of childhood abandonment may be difficult to reverse.
  • In the recommended readings there is a wonderful essay (After My Parents Separated) that captures the journey for many children.

Advice from Experts

The following bullets provide some thoughts re: parenting adolescents as appears in Judith Wallerstein’s What about the Kids.

  • The development of a child’s conscience is helped by having a parent who has standards of right and wrong.
  • When they pretend not to hear, they were probably listening.
  • You don’t want your daughter to feel less respect for herself and her body.
  • Explain that sex within a loving, caring relationship is completely different than sex with strangers.
  • All mothers feel guilt when over the divorce or new marriage whenever there is trouble with the child.
  • Hold onto your moral positions, concern for your daughter’s self-respect, and insist she follows your rules. You are the one that goes face to face with your child no matter how many times it takes for them to hear you and really listen.
  • Stay on top of what’s happening in your child’s life.
  • Establish rules of conduct in your household but also provide privileges that your child can earn by showing responsibility and grown-up behaviour.
  • Suggest outings and adventures rather than hanging out or seeing a movie.
  • Powerful voices from the street call to your children from countless sources.
  • Be vigilant about homework, parties, what clothes they wear, etc.
  • Children from divorced families have sometimes never heard of a “curfew”.
  • The stakes for your child are high, so counter the feelings and thoughts with this understanding.
  • Your child is not your sister, brother, or friend. Treat your ex like a comrade in arms.
  • Still hold your own morals.
  • There are always some hair-raising moments you don’t tell your parents about.
  • It’s impossible to prepare for adulthood without adolescence.
  • Some children go through adolescence without taking risks.
  • Keep things in perspective and hold your sense of humour.