Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental? The questions about personal recovery are never-ending, but important.
A Personal Story
I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and how we would tell our parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.
As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.
I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.
Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.
I offer this anecdote because it is a common experience.
It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out . . . eventually. Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.
In this site’s resources there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief—similar to the death of a loved one—may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.
Resilience
Your resilience is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resilience will serve you well. Included in the readings are research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.
The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.
Going Forward
Included among our resources are book recommendations and personal stories that our 600+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal. Please take time to consider the resources on mental health and depression, as these things can have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace. Many of the resources available on this site are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting or relationship problems you have never before encountered. Support groups or educational seminars may provide similar understanding and a sense of comradery with fellow travelers on this journey of separation.
Books and resources can provide an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of your family’s life. I considered those books I encountered in my own journey to be lifesaving, for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium. I found comfort in learning that those things that were happening in my life had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!
The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.
There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.
Preparing a script for navigating the family conference
Remember the no-fault approach
Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.
The Family Conference Dynamics
If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.
Even at the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover calm out of the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent. Renewal is about optimism about what is achievable. Together, these concepts can help you to navigate the challenging conversations ahead—with each other, with the children, with friends and family—by uniting your efforts in a common vision. The alternative is simply to act in survival and to live life in and out of chaos for years or even a lifetime.
The No-Fault Approach
The reason for a separation for most parties is normally irrelevant to the legal process. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the reason for their failed intimate relationship. Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation. This doesn’t mean they were the cause—only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.
The legal concept of no-fault divorce is an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. Unfortunately the good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is, however, a worthy concept.
Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach that has recent favour. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law.
The question for every professional from you:
“Do you (professional) have the tools to help our family make it through the chaos and anger so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families forever?”
Family Renewal
Renewal is possible if each parent truly takes ownership of their most important focus as separating parents—namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
If either parent is unable to affirm that statement then they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.
At some point in time during the separation years, I felt estranged from each of my three children. It was unbearable.
It is not necessarily a forever outcome!
Our experience is that almost every separated parent suffering through an estranged parenting relationship will have an opportunity to ‘repair’ that relationship. It is our task as a parent to be prepared to seize that opportunity.
Parenting a young or not so young adult child offers wonderful, even ecstatic times, in part because of the difficulty of the journey.
Below are some general conversations of possible parenting opportunities that could help enrich the lives of your adult children and their immediate families. The picture on the face of the FRRP web site pointedly captures what is at stake.
Families do come in all shapes, in every form, and are sustained and strengthened by the enduring love of each parent to their child and their child’s child.
– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad
Situations
Talking about the cause of your separation to your adolescent or adult child is for many of us an unwanted conversation.
Based on the early months, even years of separation, the conversation may seem frankly too dangerous. Silence or the status quo may seem ‘kind of comfortable’. The question that remains for every parent of a separated family is whether they must abandon being a parent and just become an adult friend.
My experience suggests that parenting to your adult child is very different and requires a complimentary set of communication skills and self-awareness. But I would assert that it is part of what you committed to when you became mom or dad. I would also suggest that you have a continuing debt to your child for what happened in your intimate relationship with their other parent.
Your view of the cause(s) of your separation likely have modified from the explanation initially provided to your children, at the time of separating.
The original explanation likely lacked ‘texture’ that would help your children in their future relationships and life. You may see this need in your children at different times in their life, and through their more probing questions about mom and/or dad.
“So why did you and your ‘life partner’ with children separate?” For most of us we move from a blame game-my fault or my partner’s fault- to a more in-depth dissection of what went wrong, and importantly what was good and why did the good somehow get lost along the way?
Most of us as adults/parents in an intimate, committed relationship know that our childhood experiences had profound consequences on our lives; the same is true for our children. This site has enumerated many consequences for children. The question is why we would not think that our children deserve the best advice/lessons that we can provide based on a more complete understanding of our life changing, family crisis.
It would be safe to say that my son and I were at our worst in his teen years and in the early years of separation. As we moved into a calmer period in his twenties, I suggested that we go away on a 5-day golf excursion to North Carolina. To my surprise and pleasure he agreed.
It could have gone either way re: the getting along part. On our way home, travelling the inter-state, we looked at each other travelling at 120km and gave each other a bear hug. It was as if the difficulties of earlier times were set aside and were now only background to our future relationship.
It would no longer cause us to flee to the safety of silence. This moment was as magical as the moment the F&CS worker placed him in my arms at two months and he became my son.
Finding the opportunity to (re) connect with your child provides a path to life conversations that are about integral, parenting relationships i.e. the lifelong task of completing the whole of your child.
Accomplishing the above allows/invites you into the lives of future grandchildren.
An explanation given to a child of seven is unlikely to meet the needed explanation for a young adult in a committed relationship. This is a time when most parents can hopefully provide an understanding that is more complete and less burdened by the immediacy, overwhelming emotion and even depression.
Many of us can see in our adult children behaviors that indicate their doubts about commitment or their search for caring relationships or…?
The separation process, unfortunately, has a consequence of painting a dark picture of their parents’ intimate and parenting relationship. For most parents- including separated parents- there were many wonderful family times that lasted for years. It is important to convey that to your children.
Many adult children have lost those memories to the chaos of disruption and two, separate homes. Quite frankly, too many parents have also lost the good times to that same chaos.
Question: Is our legacy to our adult children to be chaos and division or a narrative/understanding that reflects a mixture of family success and lessons from intimacy breakdown?
‘Children of divorce miss their original family when the breakup occurs and when they get older and rework the experience.’
Photo Albums and what they mean for a separated family
If you are a parent that agreed to leave the matrimonial home, then you likely left with an uneven distribution of family ‘things’; often this may include family photos that illustrate the family history;
The visuals in my day were photo albums, that provide a journey through the parenting years together as an intact family unit. They are a shared record of fond memories.
We believe strongly in shared parenting (min. 40/40 parenting time for each parenting time with each child); however, whatever the parenting time, each parent has the responsibility to their child to provide a continuing bond to the other parent and their previous life in an intact family.
Interestingly, family pictures (I took none with me at the time) are a history of your family. My failure to understand that reality effectively left the children’s mother to be the guardian of the family journey.
In a beautiful, loving way my daughter knew that pictures of the children and past family events touched my soul and she went through the family photos at different times and helped to convey our shared family life by providing copies of our journey as an intact family. This may seem a small thing, but it is not!
You are conveying an important message/model. Most importantly, that you are a family and that you are not afraid of the past or abandoning the past. You are stating that your journey with your children is continuous and to be cherished.
Children become adults and pictures are reminders of fun and silly times together with more to come in the changed family. Pictures connect the family history through the generations- child to parent to grandparent.
There are many ways to build on the changed, but continuous family theme.
In the section on parenting, it is important to allow your child to see that through all the current tension- that you are able to talk about good times that were part of the family’s daily life. Remember for most of us the ‘worst’ of times took place in the closing months of the intimate relationship. Even if it was over a longer time, we managed to protect our children and manage day to day living.
I would also suggest that you are not afraid to connect past residences with times in the child’s life.
The one red flag (it is important) is that when in a ‘new family’ you need to consider any new partner’s sensitivities.
I became a parent through the adoption process for my first two children. Many times, during the early years of separation (high conflict), I felt an extraordinary level of guilt. I suspect that it goes with the territory; but I always felt a moral obligation to be this ‘perfect parent’ because another parent(s) and F&CS entrusted me with two children. I had not finished my responsibility. Of course, I had that same obligation to my youngest child who was born the old fashion way.
This sense of guilt is our partner, often for some time. Guilt can paralyze or motivate us to learn ways to not repeat errors or to allow past mistakes to control our life. It can feel very difficult to assert our standards to our children. It is easier to shy away from talking about our failings, even in the face of knowing our children require guidance in their on-going lives.
Moral failings are part of most of our lives. Having an affair after feeling alone for some time in a now, loveless relationship is the wrong order of doing things. Often, our older children see the events in their family through the perspective of the ‘wronged’ parent. This perspective may derive from an actual failing or may in fact be completely false. Two narratives may still be operational for years.
An earlier section talked about ‘no-fault divorce’ and your joint responsibility to explain the separation to your children. It is important, as your children grow older, that you are up to refining your explanation to meet their ‘refined’ questions as they embark on serious, intimate relationships. As an aside, my youngest daughter just asked me how/when I met her stepmother. Something triggered a question that she needed resolved.
Children need parents, stepparents and grandparents, who have the capacity to frame the past in ways that lead our children and ourselves to a brighter future. I would suggest that you focus on the issue of forgiveness for yourself and your children’s other parent. At some point, one needs to create at worst a business-like relationship with your former intimate partner and be able to engage in needed conversations with your children.
Serious conversations with your older children require perspective, calm, thoughtfulness, reflection, listening skills, making it not about you, while talking about your inner journey.
Communication skills that are conciliatory, invitational and to the point are an important tool for successful co-parenting. Even with the above steps, it can feel like a steep climb because your child may not be ready to hear a modified narrative and is ‘stuck’ still in anger or detachment. The ‘other’ parent may still be in their own state and hindering or even sabotaging progress.
In the end, the rule is that we can only be in control of our reactions and our actions. Be proud of your positive changes and the preparation/hard work that you have done to support your children.
Topics that are a part of each parent-child relationship from a separated family
I married just shy of 22. I have no recollection of any discussion of intimacy, marriage, etc. with my parents or anyone else. I learned, whatever I did learn, through what I observed through my parents and grandparents. In both cases, they remained together (intact) through thick and thin. I suspect that their marriage would not have survived the changing perspective on separating today.
My marital breakdown was a first for my family and as such it had overtones of failure from every corner.
My mother at some point suggested…strongly that I had been spoilt. For years, I have tried to understand her criticism/observation. She and I never made it together to a place where calm had replaced chaos. She and my father died prematurely, in part, from the prolonged chaos of the separation. (See grandparents’ section)
One of the significant losses from a ‘bad’ separation is that wounded, caring family relationships may never have time to recover i.e. it can feel like everything good from before has been discredited.
I go back to this theme because unless these conversations take place between parent and child, the unanswered questions remain open wounds with lifelong, negative consequences.
How do you answer the question about a missing dad or mom? How do you answer questions about why there are no paternal grandparents in a grandchild’s life? The questions are more than just a question; they require an answer/explanation that provide an adult understanding, that supports our children and our children’s children to navigate life.
For all parents, challenges occur before you take your first, full breath after the ‘decision’ to separate. Your whole world is changing and mothers and fathers are ill-prepared in every way possible. This is a shared reality!
Many mothers have considered separating for some time. Research suggests that approximately 70% of woman initiate (not cause) the separation. Many mothers have done some preparation; others have been focused on the decision only; a minority are blindsided by their intimate, partner’s decision.
Three immediate challenges are common; namely, a) personal recovery; b) supporting your children: c) forging a parenting relationship with the children’s father.
Each parent is in their own unique place on meeting these goals as they enter the world of separating. These three challenges can be overwhelming; but personal and family renewal must be your goal. I would suggest that the following prism of family renewal, discussed in the Resource Hub, should be employed in your decision-making tool box.
Does this action/decision/choice move myself and my family closer or further away from our long-term goal of Family Renewal?
Renewal is a term that has been carefully chosen for this project. It encompasses optimism for what parents can accomplish…. together in the right process. If your parenting target is less lofty, you most likely will create a parenting plan that is unable to sustain what you desire for your children and yourself.
Concepts to consider when working towards renewal:
How the separation occurred influences how prepared you are for the immediate decisions. In addition, even your initial, pre-separation work may not be enough to offset the reality of what is coming at you from children, the other parent, family and friends.
This picture is not intended to keep intimate partners and parents inside an unhappy personal and family environment. It is counsel for seeking out the best information, supports and knowing when getting help is necessary.
Your intimate partner may react entirely differently than you expected. He may be shocked and vehemently opposed to separating! He may be angry! He may be focused on practical outcomes, etc. Renewal may therefore be more challenging and take more time. It is important to understand that either party can decide to end the intimate relationship without being penalized as a parent or an economic co-partner. It is called no-fault divorce.
Parenting in two homes is different and complicated at best, chaotic, overwhelming and lonely at worst (and to be truthful there is worst). This sounds obvious, but the disruption to day-to-day family life is immediate- even if you (mother) remain in the ‘matrimonial’ home, parenting the children uninterrupted in the main. It is even more disruptive if you leave the home soon after with nothing settled about going forward. Many mothers (dads too) return to their parents’ home with all the emotions and disruption that accompany such a move.
The incidence of situational depression for mothers is about 4 times greater than for mothers in an intact family. As such, everything that is going on has this emotional cloud impacting every relationship. By the way, the dads’ incidence of situational depression is 6 times greater than for dads in an intact family. It is estimated that 1/3 of children from separated families will require mental health services.
The mental health issue for each parent needs to be understood. In addition, the mental health concern may have been in play for some time in the intact family. For both parents, possible depression needs to be dealt with immediately. If not done, it may be a factor negating the shared parenting goals.
Taking care of yourself is often low on your priority list. Finding time for yourself may feel selfish, instead of a necessary mental health step. Caretaking and self-sacrificing are sometimes what a mother has become comfortable at doing in an unhappy home and a lonely intimate relationship. For many, this role may provide temporary respite and even comfort for it is a familiar role. Unfortunately, it can simply delay taking the necessary, next steps for personal recovery and healing family relationships.
Find ways that make you feel better- ways that are not self-medicating or harmful. It is very easy to become obsessed 24/7 by the situation and the different issues that are now a major part of your daily life.
The risk for any parent is to overreact to minor indiscretions on parenting matters and perceived judgments by others.
ANGER! How each parent deals with a) their anger toward the other parent; b) their anger toward themselves matters.
There is often plenty to be angry about, legitimate or simply perceived grievances. But constantly looking back fails our self and our children; looking forward is what the decision to separate requires without delay. Lessons will be derived from the failure of your intimate relationship over time, hopefully as you venture into your renewed life.
“Relationships that do not end peacefully do not end at all.”
(Merit Malloy, the Quotable Quote Book)
Anger, Accountability, and Forgiveness
Over the years I have wrestled with each of these concepts. I believe that every former intimate partner with children is engaged in a similar struggle. In this section on parenting by separated mothers, the issue of anger is likely at the forefront of day to day decision-making. As such the next section considers the impact of anger on a separating family.
Experts cited in the Resource Hub suggest that every separated parent should consider whether decisions are driven by anger from the past or a desire to create a calm future. There are many books, etc. by experts that are betterthan my utterings (probably almost everyone), so I suggest that you seek out such resources and professionals. I do know the close-up destructiveness of anger for separating families- parents, children and grandparents.
Accountability is our need for the other parent to ‘admit’ to their destructive behaviors and accept personal responsibility. I warn you that you may be waiting a long-time, likely forever! Accountability is often a two way street and the real world of your children requires moving on to a better path. The search for accountability is often driven by our search for justice or for justification for our actions.
Justice in the world of separation is complicated at best and often left the courthouse some time ago.
A question that illustrates this point re: the personal search for justice for each parent to consider: ‘Did your children ask their parents to separate? Where’s the justice for them?’
Forgiveness is likely found near the end of the journey, if at all. I have found it to be a place that I have failed to embrace…yet. Forgiveness for this writer takes place after accountability – which often has given way to the more important task of arriving at a pragmatic, business like relationship with the other parent.
In this blog post, I write about a support group experience relevant to forgiveness that touched me to the core. It made me feel inadequate and yet helped me move to a better place.
Forgiveness is less about freeing the other parent from what you perceived they did and more about freeing our self from the restraints that make our lives less joyful, less purposeful and less loving! – Barry Lillie: Kids ‘n’ Dad
Lessons from my own journey
On a personal note, I always believed that I was rarely angry and only then at ‘real’ matters that had consequences for my children. I was always justified…so I thought. Being angry ran against my own view of myself as the ‘reasonable’ person. I denied my anger because I considered ‘being angry’ to be a negative characteristic.
In the first weeks of the separation, my children’s mother did something negative that involved my relationship with my children. I went back into the family home and expressed my anger in no uncertain terms. Afterwards, I was quite down about my behavior. It gained me nothing and it could have cost me a great deal.
That of course is the point! I had forgotten or had yet to learn that the end of intimacy also may mean the end of understanding/collaborating with your former intimate partner, especially in the early stages of separating. You are working to build a new parenting partnership. As such angry outbursts can lead to further breakdowns in this elusive parenting goal.
Making you feel better ‘for a moment’ can have long-term, negative outcomes. Anger must be channelled in more constructive ways that motivate you to personal recovery and to make the necessary changes to be a better parent. After this early ‘blip’ in my behavior, I forgave myself and made a commitment to make my best effort to avoid a second episode, no matter what I considered provocative. I was imperfect, but I continued to try to be less so.
Some lessons I learned on anger, communication, and separation
Anger is the Achilles’ heel for separating families and their effort to find family renewal. There are so many irritants and aggravations that potentially trigger situations that can become significant conflicts.
The loss of the foundation of an intimate relationship- namely, goodwill and forgiveness- has serious consequences for day-to-day parenting.
Learning to talk to the father in a constructive way is a prerequisite to effective parenting. Early on you probably know whether this can be some form of face to face conversation. It may be too raw emotionally for one or both of you.
In addition, negative communication may have taken place in the intact family for some time- maybe no conversation at all that involved family decisions, etc. Now it is necessary to talk about unending arrangements re: parenting while simultaneously working out contentious financial arrangements and exchanging legal documents- then smiling as the other parent greets your daughter at the dance studio or on the soccer field.
He is now getting out of work early and making a point of being there. This makes you angry. His stepping up now that you are no longer the traditional ‘team’ is viewed as a negative instead of a ‘good for him’ that helps build integral parenting relationships.
Separated life initially is filled with these kind of basic situations. It truly is in the eyes of the beholder- a positive or a negative? Remember the goal of the securing enduring, lifetime relationship for children with each parent and extended family. This sometimes hurts a lot as it plays out in the short and intermediate term. If accomplished in the long-term, your children and grandchildren will reap the rewards for a lifetime.
It is important to be comfortable in your own parenting skin. The more you feel threatened the more likely that good decision-making is lost to anger/revenge and insecurity.
Intimate partners with children separate because for one or both parents’ life has become unacceptable. The motivation to separate is triggered by a negative; but is intended to create a long-term positive outcome. For parents, a positive always includes beneficial outcomes for our children.
Therefore, the many experts offer Renewal as a target- it is about reaching out with optimism – to rebuild a better parenting environment that can handle change and complication inside two homes for your children.
‘Every time we reaffirm our optimism, we give our children a good way to approach their own adversity.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Crisis)
‘Optimism doesn’t deny anger, frustration, sadness or intense sorrow. It is willing to give each one its due, but only its due. We cannot always control what happened to us, but we can control how we respond to it and how we use it.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Grief)
Renewal is about two homes with humour, laughter, joy, wellbeing, care, connectedness, intimacy, cooperative parenting, good will and lifelong through whatever love.
Connectedness is recognizing that each residence is a ‘legitimate’ welcoming home for your children. Children can feel ‘alone’ in each home, if each parent gives the opposite signal to their child as they leave for their other parent’s home. (Read: After My Parents Divorced)
How to make a child feel that they are an integral member of each home with all its differences is the ultimate parenting challenge. I believe it is especially the ultimate challenge for most mothers, who may feel lost when their child is at dad’s home. It is often aggravated when there is a new partner involved in the father’s and child’s life in the other home. (See blended families resources).
While the role of mothers and fathers has changed in the modern era, mothers for all the shared parenting in the intact home often see parenting as falling ultimately in their bailiwick. In addition, even in shared parenting homes decision-making on day-to-day care is often in the hands of the mother or at least under her direction.
Adjusting to predictable, interrupted parenting is perhaps the most difficult adjustment for a separated mother. As a father I found it to be incredibly difficult also, so I don’t want to overstate the adjustment required as a one-way street.
It is important for each parent to understand the other parent’s core difficulty on this matter.
“It’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days…! I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” – a separated parent
The above statement is the common realty for every separated parent, even for mothers, who may have a majority of parenting time. Being without your children for a night or two at the grandparents or a neighbor feels entirely different from two nights at dad’s home- at least initially. It is a reminder of loss and even loneliness. It can result in holding your children too close; and/or children can become easily your caretaker, if invited to do so. Think about your child’s reality where they could face two homes where they become the adult in the home.
Guilt
A parent in a separating family often deals with feelings of guilt. Some experts suggest that feelings of guilt for mothers may derive from a sense of responsibility for failing to maintain the intact family. These experts would maintain that this ‘family’ focused guilt affects mothers more than dads. I suspect ‘guilt’ finds a place in every parent’s emotional being.
A companion to this sense of guilt is the practical parenting that may suffer from parenting alone and the time limitations and emotional feelings that may limit a mother from being the parent she desires to be. Our expectations for ourselves often is a self-inflicted wound that hinders personal recovery.
A recovery focused even modestly on personal well-being may feel selfish; expanding your life to include significant others even in a careful way is complicated often by a set of external judgments on timing and appropriateness.
It is important to recognize the triggers for parenting in ways that are less than desired. If understood, many mistakes re: impatience with your children can be avoided. Alternative support can be found in Early Years Centres and YMCA programs to name a couple of sources. Search out program availability in these centres.
Guilt in small doses for human mistakes is probably good for motivating you to do better; guilt that can lead to compounding questionable behaviors or parenting and personal paralysis subtracts instead of adds to effective post-separation parenting.
Forgive yourself! You are imperfect and as such human!
Please read the different parenting tips on shared parenting in the Resource Hub.
The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother
I am the silent unseen voice. I sit quietly in the shadows watching, listening and learning with each unfair decision made in and out of the courtroom. I have emotional and financial responsibilities placed on me because of those decisions yet I am given no consideration. No one listens to my concerns and worries. I am the “new” wife that stands behind my husband who has battled through a court system for 7 years just to have access to and the right to be a father to his daughter. I have witnessed each unfair decision made against my husband and I play them back in my head like a horror movie. I look back and wonder how we have made it this far without giving up but no one cares how I feel. I’m just the “new wife”; I apparently do not matter.
How wrong they are! I have lived every day, involved in my husband’s 7-year battle to be dad.
We are not rich, we do not live lavishly or spend money frivolously. It would appear on the outside that we live the “Canadian Dream”. How mistaken are those ignorant enough to be fooled because we look like an average couple. Behind closed doors no one sees the tears, frustration and emotional stress that have been placed on my son and us. No one recognizes that I have had to learn Family Law and teach myself how to navigate through a court system. No one sees me working until midnight preparing motions and affidavits and making sure that I have all my T’s crossed and I’s dotted. I have a full time job, I am not a lawyer but I’ve had to learn to be one.
I’ve helped my husband pack up his house when he lost it due to astronomical lawyer’s fees. I’ve picked my husband up off the floor when he had no will to carry on, reminding him that there is a little girl who is counting on him to pull through.
No one understands that I’ve had to put my desire to have more children away or that we rent because of the debt owed to lawyers. No one cares that I am stuck paying the entire household bills because Alex’s paychecks are used solely to pay child support and lawyers. No one cares that when he is laid off due to the nature (seasonal/recession) of his work, I pay the child support. Alex and I want to get formally married but we aren’t able to because his ex refuses to sign divorce papers out of spite. I have actually been written into the final order to mediate or speak with his ex in person or on the phone when they can’t get along to make a decision.
If I have no involvement then what the hell have I been doing for the past seven years?
I have a son from a previous marriage. Alex has known Ben since the age of 3, he’s 10 now. My ex and my husband get along, they sit and chat, and we welcome Tom (my ex) into our home just as he welcomes us into his. I am doing what I am supposed to do as a mother to make my son feel at ease with the separation of his parents. Ben loves his step-dad, they have a bond together much like father and son.
I have yet to hear one judge inquire about Ben’s feelings although he’s talked about often in proceedings.
Ben has witnessed endless arguments between Alex and me because we just didn’t know what else to do in the aftermath of another day in court that proved to be disheartening. Ben has missed birthday parties simply because we could not afford the gift. For the past four years Ben has had to sit in 3hr car rides twice a weekend because it was ordered that we do all the driving when the ‘ex’ decided to move over an hour away. Ben despises the car rides, but he is too young to remain home alone and I have no choice but to be there for access exchanges to serve as a witness for Alex if his ex initiates arguments. My son is hurt when Alex’s daughter decides she doesn’t want to come mainly because of her mother’s influence. He is confused by the situation and feels like maybe she just doesn’t like playing with him. I try to protect my son from the drama but sometimes it just can’t be avoided. I sit back and listen to judges and lawyers preach to both Alex and his ex about the “best interests of the child”.
What about my child? Does he not deserve ‘best interests’ too?
We cannot afford vacations and we currently have no home phone or cable. It’s very upsetting to hear that the other side is purchasing big screen TVs, new bedroom furniture, re-doing there home and it’s tough for all of us to listen to Alex’s daughter’s recollections of Disney and family vacations. If I sound jealous I am. Alex and I work hard to pay for his ex’s vacations yet we get no downtime to recover from the beatings we get from the court system. We have been forced to sacrifice just to try and make ends meet. Alex’s daughter is only 10 and we have at least 8 more years of this. Please understand that my words don’t even scratch the surface of our experience.
Our judicial system assumes that fathers of divorce remain single; that they do not re-marry or have obligations to a new family. Courts demand divorced fathers to make it there sole purpose in life to meet the monetary expectations set out by judges who do not fully understand or care what the emotional and financial impact of “their court orders”, not only to the father but to the family standing behind that man.
I have experienced first hand the biased views placed upon my husband because he is a man and the non-caring attitude of judges who do not listen to his legitimate concerns. I laugh when groups such as Kids n Dads are accused of defending those men who are affected and are said to have a one sided opinion. I can assure you that these individuals have never set foot in a courtroom to experience the biased attitudes of judges and legal counsel against them.
I have often wondered about the actual statistics of men labeled as “dead beat fathers” and are these truly non caring individuals or are these men simply giving up because they don’t have the financial means or emotional stability to fight a losing battle? Then you look at Alex and I who have given all that we have financially, emotionally and more to ensure that his daughter grows up knowing her dad. We have had to fight for every little success and there aren’t many.
I often wonder what the suicide rates are for those men who just can’t handle the abuse that is placed upon them because they are a man fighting in a sexist court system with no protection. Alex and I know of two men who have taken their life because they could not handle the pressures and accusations of being a “divorced father”. I have done everything humanly possible to prevent Alex from becoming one of these statistics. These are the stories you don’t hear about.
We are the ones that have fallen through the cracks and there is no real support within the system for us. Some days we simply agree that this is just how it has to be and other days we have some fight left. We are being worn down.
For me, as the woman and “new wife” behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to help fight this battle. I love my husband and Ben loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay, but I’m very tired… almost all the time.
This feature was contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother
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