After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine. It belonged to them

On By BarryIn Children, During Separation

This post includes many quotations from an article that originally appeared June 5, 2013 in the Globe and Mail. See the Globe website for the full article.

Children of divorced families often find themselves in a middle ground, managing expectations from family on all sides. In a daily personal essay submitted to the Globe and Mail, Leigh Ann Smith (a pseudonym) of Vancouver eloquently gives voice to the challenges of this situation for children. She writes:

I often had more than one birthday party as a kid. This sounds cool, but it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I am a child of divorce. My childhood wasn’t mine. It belonged to my parents.

I lost myself in every effort to appease each side of my family. Shuffling alone between two separate lives meant that I was on the fringe of each family, never an insider. The people I loved most were never in the same room together, and many of them barely even knew each other existed. I missed out on events and celebrations because I would have to spend time with my other family.

A rock and a hard place

Leigh-Ann, like other Voices of Children featured in our General Resources for Parents, was stretched thin managing many social connections. This brought her to a decision:

Children of divorce learn to cope with these inconsistencies and instability, but by the age of 10, I no longer wanted to deal with it. I didn’t want to live in two different homes with two different bedrooms, different clothes, different toys, different friends and different rules. I was a 10-year-old caught between a rock and a hard place.

So one day I told my dad that I didn’t want to visit any more. It was a courageous and ignorant act of defiance. We will never know if it was the right decision or not, but at that time neither one of my parents possessed the objectivity or emotional stability it would have taken to unearth a more positive solution. And so that was the way things went.

Inescapable consequence

It is common to feel a sense of responsibility for the discord between parents. If you’re a child of divorce reading this, see our section on Children for more support. Leigh-Ann describes this poignantly:

The power struggle that had lain dormant between my parents erupted again, and this time it was directed at me. This time, I was responsible for the discord. In one house, I was blamed; in the other, I was a victim.

Choice is met with consequences, and as time went on, I fell out of touch with my dad’s family. It’s hard to stay in touch with people connected to someone we have pushed away… Was that because it’s best to keep severed ties cut? Or was it my punishment for being a horrible child? All I knew was silence and loss.

Holidays for children of divorce

Leigh-Ann experienced periods of stability – her mom remarried, new cousins, stable traditions – and heard from her dad once or twice a year, but disruptions arose too.  Holidays in particular remained challenging.

I tried to keep in touch with family members every time I went home for the holidays. Again, I tried to please everyone while anxiety flooded my thoughts. Whom should I spend Christmas Eve with? Should I visit with this family or that one? Will they be offended if I don’t make time to see them?

…Two years ago, I moved back home and now I live less than a day’s drive away from all four of my families, their new spouses and young kids. We are all connected on Facebook, but my mom is still the only person who ever calls or visits….

Although they were my family, I was never theirs…Sometimes, divorce spreads us too thin to make any real, lasting family connections.

Divorce often isolates children, and Leigh-Ann took lessons from her experience. When she married into a Maritime family, she went in planning to build a future of joy, welcome, and hospitality with her new family.

For more voices of children of divorce or further reading on navigating holidays and isolation, see these posts: