A great deal is written about blended families. I often employ the adjective ‘complicated’ to understand the creation and early journey of this new family – almost always founded from loss and hope.
Many of you may be wondering why I keep emphasizing ‘complicated’?
Take a moment and consider all the relationships that are likely affected. The decision to marry for the first time was straightforward- a decision almost totally based on the relationship between the intimate partners. Concern about the impact on others is rarely at the forefront.
Many of us who enter new intimate relationships may have no experience or understanding of this ‘complicated’ family form. The breakdown of our marriage, especially one with children, often scared us initially from ever entering another committed relationship. In addition, the high breakdown rate warns us that there are inherent risks that come with new, complicated families. The phrase ‘eyes wide open’ captures the best counsel that can be given.
The quotations offered by Ms. Coloroso provide an important perspective; namely, that every family form is legitimate and has similar aspirations. Consider her excerpt. A theme of the FRRP is about focusing on today and future days, weeks, months and years.
Each new day going forward is an opportunity for your children and you.
“I often in my own life was bogged down by the chaos and uncertainty of the separating process and failed to focus on the opportunity and legitimacy of my new family as a single dad and later in a blended family.” – Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad
An example: My blended family
Below is an outline of my new, complicated family, designed to provide a real-life example of the complicated nature of new families.
- My family of origin was relatively uncomplicated i.e. parents who remained together and an older brother.
- The family of origin that was created by my marriage included three children, two who were adopted as infants. The complications began with the breakdown of my intimate relationship with children.
- My oldest daughter and son in law separated- their only daughter was just starting school. My ex-wife and I had separated 9 years earlier and had since remarried.
- There were two stepchildren in my daughters’ mother’s remarriage.
- Of course, there were numerous other extended family relationships through our remarriages. Two of my adolescent children lived mainly with their mother initially and thus with their stepbrother and stepsister. My oldest daughter lived with me mostly. The separation had split the children’s homes, but her mother’s stepchildren were also my oldest daughter’s stepbrother and sister.
- My daughter had been adopted at two months of age. She had met her biological mother in early adulthood and established a caring relationship with her and a relationship with her birth mother’s family.
- My granddaughter now had three sets of grandparents in the area and a grandmother (her mother’s biological mother).
- My daughter remarried and became an everyday parent to a stepson. The two oldest kids had to figure out the new home, the new parent and new grandparents etc. while trying to understand what was happening again to their lives.
- My daughter and new son-in-law, in time, had two children.
- My son in law’s parents had separated when he was at a very young age, and he had been raised with his brother by his mother and his stepdad. Because of his young age at the time of the separation, the stepfather was the day-to-day, other parent. His father lived across the country but remained supportive and connected.
- The birth father became more connected to his sons following the loss of their mother. He was remarried and had partnered in raising two stepchildren. We now have the entry of the original three sets of grandparents. including two step grandparents; a birth grandmother, a step grandmother and grandfather, a grandfather; my daughter’s stepson also has a birth mother and new family with several children and grandparents- I count 6 sets or solo grandparents in his life.
- TAKE A MOMENT AND DO YOUR OWN FAMILY FLOW CHART! WHAT ARE THE IMPACTFUL RELATIONSHIPS? Etc.
Observation: In its complicated way, it works like any other family!
It is worthy of a flow chart; but the danger at printing one is that it would soon be out of date. Obviously, within these relationships some are more intimate/significant than others.
The intimacy of the relationship may vary with each individual and come from surprising sources.
A simple point: New ‘second’, ‘subsequent’ ‘blended’ families are very ‘COMPLICATED’ and it is easy enough for a child or parent or stepparent to feel ignored, abandoned, angry, deprived, etc. It is like a work in progress.
Parenting, in these families begins usually with little, joint history, is challenging and our mission to try and ensure our children feel that they belong i.e. feel included in each home and each family demands understanding. Just think for a moment about an 8-year child, who spends 4 nights every 14 days in her dad’s home with his new partner and her three children.
How does this child feel included and not simply a visitor in their other home?
I recommend that you read a Globe and Mail article: After my parents divorced… and listen to this young woman give voice to her feelings. Our focus must be on creating smooth transition to new families- single or blended/complicated. Our obligation is to create a process and network of support services to successfully accomplish this transition.
Generally, the relationships that are of greatest consequence are between the members of the immediate, blended family and the other immediate family that share some daily, parenting partnership. The parents and stepparents set the tone and determine if their children are going to feel accepted/included in both homes.
Common Issues
Since it is almost impossibleto examineevery complicated relationship without giving both of us a headache, the next section will focus on hopefully the larger issues that help your new intimate relationship build an inclusive family.
“Remarriage is an art. It requires more self-understanding than most relationships, as well as insight into the past that keeps an eye on the future.”
– Benjamin Schlesinger, social work professor
Included in the resources is an essay about my new, complicated family and our journey and the changing face of Christmas.
As a separated dad, I admit being a slow learner for I had not yet read Coloroso’s wise words about the legitimacy of my new family. The more I read on this topic, the wiser I am (hopefully).
The start of my new, complicated family was born ‘from unsettled loss, chaos and hope’. It was not an ideal way to start. I had three children in late teens and early 20’s. My new partner had no children, and this was her first marriage. It was just short of three years after the separation. As blended families go it was relatively ‘simple’.
Unsettled loss and chaos can quickly challenge/test that hope thing!
Every relationship that I had with my children felt as if it was at risk at the time of our actual marriage (my second/her first). My oldest daughter had just re-engaged with us; my youngest daughter was vulnerable; and my son (oldest) was navigating his way through complicated feelings toward each parent – he failed to attend the actual wedding ceremony.
This brings about a major complication i.e. feelings of the stepparent to the other parent’s children. As stated, my new wife had no children; therefore, I had no step parenting adjustment to make. I only had an expectation that my children were now her children as well, and that love for them was the ‘natural outcome’. It was supposed to be like my experience at adopting my infant son and daughter at two months of age i.e. immediate and breathtaking.
My expectations were unrealistic for my new partner and for my children.
Step parenting from the ashes of loss and chaos or through continuing loss and chaos is a long journey and requires more experiences between the new parenting/human relationships. Recognizing this reality can lead to developing strategies/opportunities to take steps toward each other. Failing to do so can lead to difficult relationship problems.
Remember the earlier article where the young woman never felt at home in either home. She was in limbo- a too common experience for children from a separated family.
The new, intimate relationship may be challenged when the new parent’s relationship with the stepchildren remains at arm’s length. For the new stepparent, the sense of being judged for their honest feelings can be difficult to accept, especially in ‘their own home’. It is a potentially toxic issue.
Fathers are more likely to be living with stepchildren full-time and their ‘biological’ children part-time. This leads to more pressure on the dad and by the dad to make his parenting time successful in every opportunity. It applies pressure on the new intimate partner to make each parenting occasion a success- actually perfect. It is a difficult way to begin or live in a new relationship.
The step parenting role has many voices (besides mine) that assert boldly ‘rules’ that should be followed to be ‘successful’. One rule limits the stepparent’s role in disciplining a stepchild in the new home-even when they may discipline the child in the same way they would discipline their birth child in their home.
Our experience with KND families dealing with counselling or assessments by F&CS or the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) suggest an unrecognized bias that maintains myths about these families that can smother caring parenting within the complicated family. These bodies may be geared to make reports/recommendations that accommodate the prevailing approach of the courts over what is best for the child and family in the longer term i.e. a lifetime.
New partner families, where a dad has reduced parenting time, face professional obstacles based not on research findings.
A small Australian report found that most judges do not know whether their decisions produced beneficial outcomes for children and families. Instead, we are stuck with the courts and their related advisors doing the same things that most families agree create additional obstacles for blended, complicated families.
There are a lot of different messages/concerns in this common advice. Consider with your new partner on how you would handle this common situation? How would you feel about two sets of parenting strategies? How would each child feel? Can you build an inclusive home with two different set of expectations every 4-5 days out of 14? How serious a problem to your relationship is this situation? Do you feel that your relationship as the biological parent or stepparent is at risk?
These needed conversations can help you find a framework for future parenting and the myriads of situations. My advice is that there may be situations where you may accept (both parties) solutions that may be less than perfect.
A common situation could centre on parents’ night at the stepchild’s school. The stepparent decides not to attend i.e. the child’s other parent will be there-a mom or dad- and the choice made is based on the hassle for everyone. Does this decision make sense? Is the stepparent recognizing a reasonable boundary or ‘voluntarily’ pushing their self off the end of the parenting bench? Should the child’s ‘natural’ parent accept the decision or do everything possible to insist that their partner play a full role in the child’s life i.e. actively demonstrate their full participation in their stepchild’s life?
How many similar situations face a stepparent e.g. Xmas concerts, children’s activities, medical concerns, etc. What are the consequences of avoiding similar settings?
My wife and I often faced similar decisions in our complicated family with my almost adult children. It was difficult for us to navigate. Eventually, we had to decide to find a balance for what we did, without making it a negative step for ‘building’ relationships between children and their new, ‘other’ family. The outcome (building or not) has consequences for the children’s children as well. It is a critical issue and requires an open conversation between new partners.
I am not a big believer that decisions are either right or wrong. I do know that blended families with unending complicated relationships need to find a process to make comfortable decisions intended to strengthen their belief in each other, as a partner and co-parents.
– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad
Consider question for for separating parents and now for complicated families – do your choices move you to a more inclusive set of family relationships or creates more obstacles to inclusiveness?
For more on this topic, see the Resource Hub. A few relevant articles:
Kids 'n' Dad 