This post comments on an article that originally appeared June 5, 2013 in the Globe and Mail. See the Globe website for the full article. This post part 2 of a 2post series inspired by the article. Part 1 summarizes the Globe article and comments on key themes. Part 2 includes Barry’s more detailed commentary.
The essay triggered remarkable commentary from separated parents and their now adult children.
The most difficult parenting situations following a family separation often occur over the issue of children living in two homes through their early childhood and adolescence. This common place situation for children from a family breakdown raise any number of issues once they put up their hand and say no more to anyone who will listen. The existing agreement constructed by exhausted parents at significant financial cost is no longer acceptable from the child’s perspective.
Is a ten year old child permitted to challenge their parenting arrangements? In this case there does not appear to be any rationale except that she disliked the impact on her life from going back and forth between residences.
Is this a trivial grievance or fundamental to the child’s daily life i.e. 365 days a year.
Now what?
The dad in this case was unprepared for his daughter’s declaration at age 10 and was left to determine whether to accept somewhat quietly or to explore other possibilities to enforce the existing parenting plan.
Most parents have signed a parenting plan and have an obligation to enforce the agreement. In this case the daughter told her dad that she no longer wished to continue on this current schedule. Her mother must have accepted, perhaps reluctantly, this significant change. The adult writer in looking back recognized now the long term impact as she ‘fell out of touch with my dad’s family’.
What should the mother do? What should the father do? What are the consequences for this two home family? What are the risks? Etc., Etc.
Possible Pathways
Both parents take the daughter aside and tell her that her request is not acceptable and not going to be acted upon. They would however consider ways to make both homes more child friendly.
The mother engages her daughter and supports the request and informs the father. She attempts to get the father to understand the negative impact of their separation and two residences is having on their daughter.
The father rejects their arguments and insists their parenting arrangements are binding. He recognizes the need to be more flexible on occasion to accommodate their daughter.
The daughter’s parenting time with her dad is interrupted, then discontinued despite his objections. The current parenting agreement is breached. Their Parenting Plan, common to most agreements, had a dispute mechanism process (3rd party professional ) that either party could trigger with appropriate notification. The mother decided to ignore the dispute clause, recognizing her daughter’s strong feelings and mental health concerns.
This outcome is more common when the child switches to live with the mother. It is important however to note that the switch from Mom’s House to Dad’s House full time occurs frequently once the child enters mid-adolescence.
Available Support Services
If your family is in a similar version as the family above, then you must do your own research. Re-living the legal/social work environments can be overwhelming in every way for everyone. Oh, and then there is the financial cost.
Starting Point: Communication and involvement in the child’s daily life by both parents with regular, frank conversations between the parents and key players in the child’s life. The goal is to recognize early on-going stresses in their child life.
Dispute mechanism in most parenting plans. Starting point intended to resolve concerns that are inevitable in any parenting plan as life evolves for each parent and child.
Professional Services outside of the Legal System: These types of services may be found from many sources. I recommend you to the web site by Peaceful Waters and their Child Centred Divorce Services Team. They provide a full roster of services. Review their site if only to identify programs you could seek out.
Voice of the Child: a relatively recent step to ascertain the child’s perspective/voice. It is done by a trained social worker who specializes in this child focused work – Google will help you identify professionals who offer this service. It is a less intense process and run for the child only. It may provide more clarity to parents on next steps.
Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL): A more comprehensive approach ordered by the Court to help determine the next steps for high conflict families over custody issues. It can be time consuming and intense for each parent and child. Decision-making effectively has been transferred to the judgement of others/not the parent. Parents are encouraged to Google information on assessments
Additional Services involved in risk assessment for a child
Family and Children’s Services: Protecting a child from risk is essentially their reason for existing. Throughout our web site there are many cases where I was disappointed by their actions or non-actions. The F&CS mandate meant that they were not in the business of re-uniting a dad with his child i.e. recognizing the father/child relationship as a primary ‘best interest’.
F&CS does provide supervised access for a parent and child in order to mend a damaged relationship and determine safety risks. My earliest experience with F&CS was remarkably positive with one of our support group fathers. It is less so now but they are part of the process and must be navigated as necessary. Being combative is unacceptable; being purposeful is necessary. Bias is a concern. See the Jesse Sansone Case. Lawyers who have a record of dealing with F&CS regularly is considered to be a positive step.
Child and Parent Place: This is court ordered supervised access. I was a member of the Oversight Board for 2 years. My initial expectations were quite negative. However I came away impressed by the staff and their determination to make each parent-child visit successful. My criticism in the end was the lack of funding to provide more parenting opportunities, especially during difficult times of the year.
Common trusted friends and relatives may provide oversight for visitations and ensuring safe parent-child exchanges.
Final Comments
Our 10 year old child (writer) became an adult and is still processing the childhood choices that shaped her journey to adulthood and her thoughts on beginning her new family.
‘Children get bone tired of a quarrel that has no end. Parents who continue to be angry are a source of amazement and shame to their children, who keep wanting to say, “Get Over it.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)
The above headline appeared on Feb. 8, 2022 in the Waterloo Region Record. The article described a dangerous pattern of behavior by a former intimate partner. It portrayed day-to-day terrorism for the woman who endured a life never knowing when these twisted acts would strike and envelop other caring persons in a relentless campaign of manipulation and lies.
The woman ( target/victim) struggled to understand what was taking place -would it be short-lived; would it be manageable or escalate; were there steps that she could take; was she somehow at fault; what was her level of risk; etc. The questions were unending- the answers uncertain. Occasional periods of calm provided hope that would soon be dashed. The temporary quiet became part of the reign of terror.
Many people who have suffered a home invasion describe the long term consequences on their daily life-their home becomes part of the trauma that they carry within them.
The perpetrator in the Record case was sentenced to 6 mos. in jail and mandatory counselling for two years of terrorism that left the victim traumatized for a lifetime and as such in fear of future intimate relationships.
The conclusion of the article quotes the pursuer: “ I’m a nice, normal, good person. You people don’t know me. I just made a mistake”. The perpetrator’s closing comment is worrisome and frightening. His behaviors are not excusable or in the dull to normal range in a non-mutual breakup.
In the above case, the dating relationship was one year and there were no children that necessitated separated parents to have on-going communication or personal contact. The prison sentence of 6 months, less time served, is an inadequate deterrent, clinging to the hope of success through future therapy with a client that doesn’t recognize their blame.
This case reinforces the belief/myth that males are the only offenders. This is a dangerous for the behaviors are found in intimate partners from both sexes.
Key lessons on obsessive love
I recommend a book by author Susan Forward called Obsessive Love. Three important observations are made by Ms. Forward.
Obsessive love knows no gender.
Obsessive love has little to do with love at all-it has to do with longing.
Obsessive ‘lovers’ are controlled by their own needs and desires, at the expense of the needs and desires of their targets.
The behaviors triggered are intimate partner violence (IPV) and often place children in the middle and is emotional abuse by alienating children against their other parent. It can turn the judicial process into a never ending battleground (blood sport) that leads to mental health concerns for the victim (other parent), children and extended family
In her book, Ms. Forward charts out a) behaviors common to obsessive lover; b) actions that require caring behaviors toward the obsessive person ; e.g. a potent behavior is the threat of suicide that is then leveraged to turn the targeted individual into the person who is responsible (rescuer) for the obsessive ‘lover’ continuing to live. In a separation with children, it is particularly effective and insidious and plays on employing the children and extended family in the obsession. It entails the victim of obsessive love to be the rescuer and protector of the children from the loss from a parent’s suicide death.
Another aspect of obsessive love is that it often relies on manipulation of connected friends and relatives by the obsessive ex-partner. In a separation, it effectively clouds the picture – separations are complicated and raise issues about parenting and family assets. It can be confusing at best. However in Ms. Forwards book she identifies behaviors that most victims can recognize. These behaviors are dangerous and cross the line. Unfortunately, these behaviors may be recognized for what they are only by the targeted individual – not those outside that circle.
Getting support as the targeted victim may be difficult with friends or family. They don’t want to get involved and unknowingly may also be targets of manipulation by the obsessive individual. The friends by buying into a false narrative by their silence has the consequence of driving the victim/target away from their children. In the Record case, the harassment stalking continued for close to two years. Think about the target and the long-term outcomes. In a setting with children, consider all the different scenarios that could play out.
An insidious outcome is that the recommended steps by a therapist to a target/victim is essentially to be cold and indifferent to the obsessive ex- partner- to be what you are not. This is intended to lower the risk (distance) and protect your children, extended family and friends. A second option is simply to flee- to move and leave your life with your children. It is a heavy burden. Neither strategy has much to recommend itself.
For a dad stalking is recognized as domestic abuse. Driving by the family home to see your children at play is going to prompt a phone call to police and a protective or no contact order. It just cannot be done! If you are a dad and behave as an obsessive lover, you are likely looking at reduced or loss of parenting time with your children and mandated enrolment in a Program. You just cannot risk such an outcome.
Find a trusted friend to support and protect you from your self. Consider professional support.
Our mission as separating parents must be to create the conditions that allow each parent to create a caring and loving home for their children. The risks factors must be recognized, understood, and steps taken. A parent should document exchanges of children that are high risk, volatile phone calls, emails that are threatening, efforts to involve you in the obsessive ex-partners life beyond the children i.e. their best friend.
Harassment and stalking are possible when the obsessive parent has a window into the other parent’s life (new partner) through interrogation of children following care parenting with their other parent. A new relationship may trigger stalking and harassment behaviors. New partners may trigger an ex- partner who is having difficulty in separating or moving on with their life.
It can be a dangerous time for everyone in their circle and safety must be a high priority.
This post is intended to educate parents about ‘common’ and ‘unique’ struggles faced by children as their family (parents) enter the early and not so early stages of separation. For more specific support from a divorce scholar, see our post summarizing Judith Wallerstein’s child development section from What about the Kids.
While Kids ‘n’ Dads is focused on these essential family relationships, it is necessary to understand the different impact, possible outcomes, and strategies for parents to meet the challenges.
Parents may have children at different developmental stages, and our desire is to motivate you as a parent or grandparent to search out further understanding through additional resources, including if necessary, professional support.
Each of your children is unique by gender, age, personality and upbringing. Each child has their own ‘unique and similar’ relationship with each parent and caregiver.
Different needs throughout development
Judith Wallerstein’s comments help us understand what to expect from each age range.
Children from infancy through to 7-8 years of age are less likely to make a judgment about who caused the disruption and chaos in their lives. For the most part, children in these early stages react to the consequences; namely, emotional volatility of parents, chaos and disruption to daily schedule, etc.
The impact upon these children is straight forward. Kids ‘n’ Dad resources would suggest that the parents are more in control of limiting the impact and disruption in their child’s life’, especially if they have the right support.
The separating process appears through a flawed process to almost encourage parents to engage in conflict, not over ending their intimate relationship, but over who is the most significant parent. An issue that likely was not a concern in the intact family prior to separating; nor needs to be a concern in the changing family.
Support services, legal and social, must focus on ensuring that children have both parents and extended families in their early, life stages. Support must be about continuing/ building/rebuilding essential relationships. If services are not dedicated to that purpose, they are failing children and our community.
Adolescence and the evolving views of children
The developmental stages of early to late adolescence are noteworthy for the challenges it presents to separating parents and social supports. Children in these stages make judgments about right and wrong and as such of their parents and who is responsible for the separation.
My life experience is specifically with these developmental stages. At the time of our family separation, my children’s ages ranged from 12+ to 16+ and 19+. Each child reacted differently based on different factors.
Each child measured ‘fault’ through their own lens, based on the disruption, chaos, impact upon them. Each parent wanted to support them, but the early chaos barely allowed us to place one foot ahead of the other, let alone support our children in any rational way. Adolescents make judgments; sometimes wisely, often however, their judgments may lead to behaviors with significant risk.
As a secondary school teacher and girls and boy’s basketball coach for thirty years, I spent considerable time with this age group. In addition, my two oldest children were adopted at birth. So a family breakdown at the time of adolescence (remember that judgment thing) added another layer of failure to my view of personal responsibility for my children’s pain.
Would this add to their possible sense of abandonment, already part of their life journey?
Our observation is that the legal system has surrendered to having any significant influence on keeping or building two parent and two-family relationships. The age where children have significant influence on who they live with has dramatically shifted downward from 16 to 12 years of age to …?
The abdication of principled support demands that parents must recognize that long-term, positive outcomes for their children rests with both parents committed to endorsing the ‘other parent and family’ in their child’s life.
Organizations such as F&CS have an important, but narrow definition of their mission- safety of the child. Eliminating a parent or extended family from a child is too often a way out of working with both parents and children.
Limited research provides evidence that about 1/3 of separated mothers don’t believe that fathers should continue to play any part in the child’s life. In addition, research suggests that F&CS and Family Court judges receive little or no feedback on whether the decisions they presided over had the desired outcome or whether it turned ‘solvable problems into unsolvable outcomes’ (2010 Law Commission of Ontario Report).
Parents are facing a support system often choosing one parent over another parent at a specific moment in time. By falling into this trap, support professionals are admitting that they have no underlying belief in their own skills; nor any core foundation for what children need in the short and long-term, at every developmental stage, as their family enters the ‘crises of their family’s life.
Divorce and the developing child
Parents must remember that the long-term health of their children should not be sacrificed to the breakdown of their intimate relationship.
The following quote from What About the Kids reinforces the importance of understanding the stages of development and allowing us to support our children.
“And here is the problem in a nutshell. Your divorce may interrupt your child’s developmental progress. Many children get stuck temporarily at the time of the breakup because they’re exhausted by what’s happening at home.”
Of course, there are many warning signs and as parents in an intact family we are aware of the impact of the volatility between parents. Children are having temper tantrums, breaking rules, fighting with other children, lethargic, etc.
The question becomes whether the changes are temporary or prolonged? Are they observed by other care providers?’ If these changes continue for ‘too long’, it is important to begin an assessment. What are the chaos factors that can be changed? Sometimes the changes in your child can be about a child being too responsible, too adult.
Lessons from your own journey
Parents have a read on their children. Each child is usually very different from each other. After the separation we are looking for changes. Changes can be a temperament that becomes exaggerated or more extreme i.e. a sensitive child can barely function now at school; a child who is fun loving and friendly become sullen and withdrawn. These ‘clues’ should be a part of an on-going conversation between parents before talking to the children about the separation and as they observe and care for their children in two homes.
Separating parents fear just about everything; control often seems to rest with your former intimate partner or ‘the system’ or quite frankly there is no control, only chaos. Yet, parents are the adults! A reality is also that we need to be careful that we don’t jump the gun and project our adult perception to be the child’s reality.
In today’s community, children often have schoolmates or friends that come from separated families. Our expectation is that adolescent+ children should not be shocked by such an event. We may believe they saw it coming. Consider that most separating parents (you) have any number of colleagues, friends and siblings, who have separated. Yet studies would suggest that such an experience rarely prevent a separation from becoming the crisis of a family’s life.
Parents must remain vigilant and look for clues by observing your child’s behavior; in addition, be sure to include significant others in your child’s life e.g. grandparents, day-care workers, teachers, coaches, close friends who spent/spend time with your child, and professionals.
The best conversation would be with the other parent, who knows your child best and is planning to be forever in their child’s life.
Earlier, the fact that family separation is more common today was considered. A new wrinkle is that many parents today may have come from a home where a separation occurred during their childhood. In some ways, the break-up of your intimate relationship with children has an added layer of guilt. Most of us were determined that would never happen to us; thus it would never ‘touch’ our children as it ‘touched’ us.
It may be a time that causes more reflection about the impact on your childhood and adulthood.
Looking for more resources on education? Check out the Development and School sections under the General Parenting Resources on the Audience page.
My name is Barry Lillie and in 2005 I started a non-profit called Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support (KND) The mission of KND is to ensure that every child following a family breakdown has the daily love and support of both parents and extended families … for a lifetime.
I had three children, ages 12 (G), 16 (G), and 19 (B) at the time of our separation. Each parent-child relationship was different in the intact family and as such each relationship was different in unpredictable ways in the post-separation family. From the outset of our separation, I lived with the fear that I could lose my relationship with each of my children at some time following the separation. Each of your parents likely had that common fear and this may have contributed to your ‘separateness’ from one of your parents and their extended family.
This ‘open letter’ is my attempt to provide an understanding of what occurs in virtually every separating family. Support services are often adversarial instead of healing i.e. intervention (after damage done) delivery of support over timely, preventive delivery of support.
My experience suggests that there is rarely effective support provided to the whole family. Recently a veteran lawyer in our community referred to traditional/common family law as a ‘blood sport’
Calm in the chaos
I began Kids n Dad Shared Support after most of the ‘bad stuff’ in my family’s separation was over and there were signs of calm replacing chaos, resiliency overcoming despair and love/care replacing anger. For many of you who are still separated from a parent, I can only hope that you have moved to a less troubled place in your life. Growing into adulthood is in part about gaining perspective on your journey in order to become a more thoughtful and generous individual, intimate partner and parent.
Since I am talking to those of you who are likely in late adolescence, young adulthood or later, you have likely experienced a failed dating relationship on a personal level or through observing such with close friends. Hopefully, through those shared experience of pain and heartache you have gained perspective that intimate relationships are often bumpy at best and volatile at worst.
If you are reading this message, then you are likely currently viewed by someone who believes that you have been seriously hurt/damaged by your family separation. You may be in the early stages of ‘distancing’ from one parent and one extended family. You may also be in a full-blown estrangement that has been going on for several years.
Some of you may now be ‘somewhat comfortable’ with your anger at that ‘other’ parent; you have ‘moved on’ and try to ignore the questions or thoughts about your other parent by employing the best ‘survival’ techniques in your tool box.
Many of you may be holding on to family histories that lack texture and were written in the heat of an intimate relationship breakdown that hurt you and everyone around you.
Estrangement – a common story
This article from the Globe and Mail was written by a young woman, a child of a separation. Many of you in the long-term estrangement group can probably relate to her blunt assessment of the separation’s personal impact and her attempt to reconcile her feelings about her parents, etc. Her words resonate with most separated children and their elusive search to understand what took place in their life and family’s journey.
I found her personal story incredibly sad because she seemed so detached from both sides of her family, including even her primary, day to day parent-her mother. She was wounded and I would suggest she remains wounded in ways that may jeopardize her hopes and expectations going forward. Again, through her essay we understand the importance of getting the changed, parental relationshipunder control by finding the best resources to ensure the best opportunity for building enduring, inclusive relationships.
Meanwhile, this National Post article outlines a lengthy custody battle for a little girl. In some ways it may be viewed as a worst case scenario. The reality is that this case begins with that common parental fear of losing their little girl. The ‘fear’ is common in almost every separation with children. This case is not an outlier, except in the costs and length of the trial. Many of you were children who suffered through similar, unending parental conflict; many of you are still suffering from that conflict on special occasions, etc.
Your parents were unable to establish calm from the chaos. Often many unpleasant, negative outcomes derive for all parties from the inability to find their way through the chaos. There are many reasons for the failure; but for those of you estranged for many years the reason hardly matters any more. In many ways it simply remains as your explanation for being ‘stuck’ or for preferring a sort of comfortable place (risk freer).
Stuck and/or comfortable as descriptors are not meant to be criticisms. They simply describe where you may be…at this time. The ‘at this time’ is intended to make you think about what is under your control, your determination.
Not too long ago a client (dad) was in court re: a financial matter for post-secondary education and the judge asked his daughter (age 19) why she was not seeing her dad. It had been over 10 years. She referred to an event over a decade old that was considered by F&CS as minor. The father in the intervening decade had no direct contact with her while still meeting his obligations in every way including birthdays and other special events and holidays. In addition he raised his daughter’s brother on his own. He always hoped that brother and sister would eventually find each other. This has not happened!
She is stuck and no one around her including the judge suggested that reconnecting with her dad was ok. They did worse than remain indifferent – they in effect, through silence, endorsed it. This young woman was stuck in someone else’s narrative from yesteryear. She is likely to remain living a life absent of important, love sustaining relationships (father, brother, extended family) based on this faulty, incomplete narrative. The risk, whatever the perception, seems too great I suppose.
Write your own narrative
This open letter is intended to motivate parents and children to write their own life narrative, for better or worse.
The Courts and F&CS too often have abandoned their responsibility re: what separated families need. These bodies are stuck in a time warp and a narrow mandate of child protection. In the Toronto Court Case, it is clear that these organizations failed this young girl, the father, mother and extended families by not intervening and supporting the families in a timely and effective way.
I recently met a woman in her mid-thirties who had not talked to her dad for 25-30 years. The father had intermittently provided financial support and Christmas and birthday gifts. She was asking me the question about reaching out. The father had indicated through letters over the years and recently of his desire to find a way to get together. She was curious and interested; however, another sibling expressed no interest and even anger at such a step.
She was ‘stuck’ still, but not so comfortable. In her mid-thirties her life and relationships were in part still coloured by her parents’ separation and the narrative that she accepted as a child. Her life experiences had taught her that the accepted childhood narrative was likely incomplete and flawed.
Her dilemma is common for many now adult children of a separation. Her dilemma is common to many of you. She has coped ‘well enough’ and is uncertain that a rewriting of her family’s narrative, for better or worse, after so many years’ is worth the risk. Each child has to weigh that question for themselves.
As an aside, I have observed close-up my daughter (adopted at two months of age) go through the adoption registry and re-engage with her birth mother some twenty years later. There were no guarantees for either party that it would be successful or fulfilling; but, for each of them there was a deep need to do what I call the journey to the ‘completing of the whole of the child’. I have come to a place as a consequence of my daughter’s journey where I believe a registry type process should be available through social services that enable estranged children and parents to voluntarily engage in a process for reconnecting.
A few observations about separations
If you have not seen your other parent for months and even years consider whether you are stuck with a narrative that may lack texture. Early separation narrative is rarely written with any degree of perspective.
We live in a society that believes in no-fault divorce. For the intimate partners, no fault may be irrelevant as they are stuck by anger, revenge, depression and perhaps the need to simply run away. What is important here is whether you believe that relationships do end sometimes awkwardly or worse.
Every research project tells us that children are more likely to thrive following a breakdown when both parents and extended family are part of the child’s ongoing life. If that is not your outcome then there is a substantial level of failure by many parties.
Read about what happens in too many families and the failing legal process. Rates of situational depression are 4-6 times higher for separated mothers and fathers compared to intact families. Many of you are not seeing your parent or extended family because of parental depression at the time of separating and going forward.
You probably have learned by this time in your life that perfection has eluded you as well as your other parent. You just try your best; but consider whether it would be a shame to miss out on the love and support of your other parent because you were afraid to take a brave step and assess that relationship as an adult.
Adult parent-child relationships are quite unique, supportive and loving. I have come to believe that they are equally important to the developmental years. The ‘lost’ parent of childhood can be the amazing support in adulthood and to the next generation
Reflections on my journey
My first two children were adopted at 2 months of age. As stated earlier my daughter was 12 when she expressed this ‘need’ to find her birth mother. This was impossible at that time for the process was that you signed an adoption registry at 18 and if both child and birth parent had registered there would be a process to make a coming together happen. At 19 my daughter registered!
As an adoptive parent, I initially found the process hurtful-the rules were changed (sealed information) from when we adopted. However, in time I realized that this was about my daughter and her need to understand, in part, the question of who she is. My love for our daughter didn’t change because of her desire to answer that question. I lived with that fear that I spoke about earlier. But that is my fear.
My daughter had the courage to follow through while still loving us as her mother and father. She and her birth mother took a risk and in doing so added a loving relationship to their day to day lives. It was a risk for both as expectations and reality now intersected. There was no certainty in her situation, nor in your situation. But is continuing based on a flawed narrative really preferable?
My daughter remained my daughter and her need taught me that children, all children have the right to have that question answered about who they are – the completing of the whole child.
I also concluded that no child could have too many persons in their life that love and care for them at any stage of life. I also believe that as an adult I want the opportunity to be loved and to love as many significant persons as possible in my life and to control my own adult narrative.
Christmas is a time when I often reflect on my personal narrative. My daughter who had lived with me for 2 years following the separation had left to return to her mother’s home. I was distraught. After many months of little or no contact a knock on my door occurred near midnight on Christmas Eve. It was my daughter with her boyfriend. With tears in my eyes I welcomed her. For the next 3 hours we talked and talked about her life. What or why the separateness happened did not matter. Her courage and motivation by her boyfriend’s mother (external support) changed our lives forever.
She was the courageous one and I was prepared for such a hopeful happening. When we say that we can’t do this or that, it is rarely accurate. We may not be ready at that moment; but as adults, in the end, we are usually in control of what we choose to do or choose not to do.
There are professionals, friends, etc., who are able to provide additional support to make reconnecting a step by step process or a giant leap of faith or something in between.
In our work with clients and in my personal journey I have concluded that estranged/alienated parents and children live in fear of taking the next step.
There are no guarantees that what you want the other parent to be is what you will find. The best advice for taking a first step (the version of the adoption registry) is that you prepare yourself for whatever happens; but go into it cautiously optimistic. Find a support to make the get together less stressful. Consider employing a professional to moderate the initial meeting. I would focus on the here and now; ask questions about the past only if absolutely necessary in the early stages. Save them for future conversations, if possible. Rebuild on a step by step process.
‘A reconnection for an estranged child is often a time of uncertainty, confusion and even defiance; but usually motivated by a desire to fill a hole in their heart and life, forever. A reconnection for an estranged parent is scary. Most are afraid to reach out; but pray for that moment every day.
– Barry Lillie, founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad
For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section.
Everything about taking a step toward creating a new blended family is complicated, confusing and even confounding. What seems like a straightforward step to begin exploring the possibility of a new, intimate relationship often brings unexpected and unpredictable strains.
Remember the first rule of a family separation: EVERY FAMILY RELATIONSHIP UNDERGOES DRAMATIC CHANGES AND RISKS! In addition the risks are not limited to immediate family but also to every caring relationship in your family circle.
For many separating parents there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. As such there is often a personal need to find someone to care for and someone who reaffirms our value as a loving person and a caring parent. Our self-portrait often has taken a beating in the months before and after a separation. Putting yourself out in this setting feels risky and to be truthful is risky.
It is good to remember that there are other paths to personal recovery (renewal) before introducing an even more complicated post-separation environment. The message is simply to have your eyes wide open.
For this section I am going to deal with concerns that impact Family Renewal and your possible journey to building a new blended/complicated family.
When do you start dating?
This is a complicated question. Research informs us that in general men/fathers begin dating considerably sooner than women/mothers following a separation. There is a negative explanation around this that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’ at last.
The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. The reasons appear to be that more dads are living outside the matrimonial home without their children most of the time. This same study suggests that the intact family is the main source of support for dads and the separation is a two prong assault on who they are. Dating is an understandable outcome.
This question would have little importance if each of us was an independent adult- we are separated aren’t we? We are BUT the ending of intimacy often is less defined for each party in a separation.
The beginning of any dating is a statement to your ‘former’ intimate partner and to your children that the return of the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement- intended or otherwise- that you are moving your life forward in this area of life.
This is not about finding fault for ‘moving on’ too soon or for isolating oneself out of fear to take a risk. Whatever the choice one needs to be prepared for very human outcomes.
Children often hold on to the hope that the intact family that they have only known will return/ get back to normal. They may believe that such a reunion would end the grief and sorrow of one or both of their parents. Even a ‘normalcy’ that was by all measures considerably unhappy is something familiar and manageable to them. When you look at the disruption that has entered their life through the parents’ choice this is understandable.
Most people enter into a serious post separation relationship at some time. Many parents may put off a formal separation and the beginning of a new home until their children are of an age that they deem more suitable. But one of the discoveries in our work with 100’s of separating parents is the young (toddler) age of their children for many separating families. Few parents are going to delay serious relationships for 10-20 years. Parenting in a blended/complicated family is a significant challenge for the new partners and every parenting relationship.
If you have child (ren) then a serious dating relationship is complicated. Making ‘mistakes’ is inevitable so you need to be able to forgive yourself, recover and learn along the way. Avoid past mistakes and angry outbursts. Try to understand the basis for these outbursts for they can have serious repercussions on your children and your children’s other parent.
So we are back to the original question – when do you start dating?
When you are ready! I am sure that you are grateful for my answer. You need to sort this out based on your readiness and the impact on those that matter to you. Another relationship concern involves your dating partner. Are your dating goals similar or very different? Are you honest with that person about your relationship intentions? Of course you may not know yourself in the early stages but at some point you will sense your own and your new relationship’s long term goal.
I dated early and we are now in our 24th year of a complicated new family. It was an uneasy (on-going chaos) and interrupted courtship. I began dating without understanding the impact and consequences that it would have on my new partner, children and others that I cared for. On the other hand I have found a wonderful life partner for myself and my children and grandchildren.
Included in the resources are personal essays by myself and others that hopefully will provide some needed insight for you on the topic of new, complicated (blended) families.
Questions
Telling the children:
Honesty is preferable…probably. There is a tendency to be shy/hesitant about revealing that you are dating. Consider that the other side of the coin is to not tell them. What are the possible consequences of remaining silent? They are not particularly praiseworthy. Obviously the age of the children may play a part. Judgment is more likely to come from children who are tween, adolescence or even young adults. Your relationship is also more vulnerable with these age groups. They likely have a working relationship with their other parent. So keeping a secret from your former intimate partner will be short-lived once the children are in the loop. Revealing that you are dating is not the same as initiating a meeting between your children and a dating partner.
So I am in support of a two stage plan re: the children. 1. Discuss age appropriately that you are considering beginning to date. Give some lead time. 2. If you begin dating then keep them in the loop including basic information. Limit the details. The length of the relationship will prompt enough attention to move to the next step of introducing the children. This next step may be timed differently for each child based on their age, readiness and willingness.
Telling your former intimate partner of your children/shared parenting partner:
It is a mouthful, but clearly for a reason. This relationship is clearly complicated and needs to be an on-going parenting success for you and your children. We have decided that keeping a dating relationship secret is difficult at best for any length of time. So I believe that the identical approach as employed with the children should be followed. I would add a pre- step; namely, that both parties should acknowledge the dating possibility for either intimate partner in the future. This conversation may result in an agreed to voluntary ‘grace period’ before any dating occurs to allow for any change in the decision by one or the other former partners.
The future is uncertain but transparency is surely what we can do for our children.
There are no guaranteed reactions from you child (ren) or the other parent. Sometimes a negative reaction of the child triggers a negative reaction from the other parent even when we have handled the matter with apparent care. Changing the children’s response may require patience and sensitivity. If it is entirely a child’s reaction professional support may be necessary. On the other hand if the negative reaction appears to be parent driven it may become a more serious parenting concern. A child may be caught in the middle and be used as a weapon against the other parent. Anxiety is the characteristic most likely observed by the other parent. The parenting conflict is over the cause of the anxiety- dating or the other parent’s response to dating or the child’s particular make-up or etc.
**A very common cause for interrupted parenting is a child’s anxiety to do sleepovers. The cause for the anxiety is almost always unclear and speculative. It can go on for a long time before normal parenting arrangements are reinstated with a therapist’s blessing.
Your former intimate partner’s reaction to your dating may bring out contradictory behavior. They may be dating but consider your dating to be unacceptable. The difficulty sometimes has consequences on shared parenting/sleepovers. A common reason or ‘excuse’ may be that the child doesn’t want to see you when in fact it is your former partner driving this outcome.
Dating and serious dating may trigger what I call the ‘great fear’ of every parent; namely, losing our parenting relationship. Warning signs are available often immediately and this may lead to interrupted parenting or even confrontations in front of the child during pick-ups and returns. It can be a high risk time and necessary protective steps (a witness) might be required to ensure safety for all.
Dating is a ‘normal’ next step. One parent’s readiness to engage in such should not be subject to a parenting sanction. Pangs of hurt, jealousy or envy are normal enough but our role as a parent is to place our love for our child ahead of reckless reactions. If this is too difficult then professional support must be found ASAP. Long-term harm and criminal behavior (stalking) are too common behaviors.
The greatest gift that a parent can give their child in their complicated life is your endorsement/blessing to enjoy their time in their other parent’s new home! If you have young children each parent is likely going to have new relationships in their lives. It is emotionally difficult; however it is our parenting role to manage the emotional side of our behavior for our children.
Most of us are able to relate to the parenting task that Jesse Sansone was happily fulfilling as he went to the family’s neighborhood school to pick up his young children. He was unaware on that afternoon that he was entering the twilight zone; a place where the best of who he is (a dad) would be demeaned and marginalized.
This unwanted attention for Mr. Sansone and his family was prompted by a classroom drawing by his 4-year-old daughter of her dad (in her own words) ‘shooting bad guys and dragons’ with a (toy) pistol. Dad would not be returning home at the normal time with his daughter’s hand gently but securely tucked in his.
The involved authorities state unequivocally that they acted properly. The Record newspaper published a letter by the local Executive Director of Family and Children’s Services detailing their mandate and thus their justified intervention. The other participants, school officials and enforcement, offered explanations that employed a remarkably common language about their ‘obligation’ to follow the protocol and procedures such a perceived threat.
In their rush to deniability these public bodies have conveniently blanked out the consequences for a bewildered father and family for the innocent drawing of a dad and child at play. These same authorities seem puzzled by the outrage. They somehow expected to be granted a pass because of the ‘greater good’ that they represent.
But to accept their rationale would be to accept that it is impossible to 1) protect our children and 2) protect the rights of innocent parents at the same time. Those two goals are not incompatible and indeed should be the gold standard for this significant collaborative. Trust must be earned and never demanded or taken as a given.
I was tempted after reading about the initial trigger event to call in the superhero dads of my parenting days; namely the intrepid Detective Donald (Duck) and the ever-earnest Papa Berenstain (Bear) for help. Unfortunately, I fear today that Pape Berenstain would likely find himself at the end of a reckless endangerment allegation for his misadventures with his ‘little ones’ in search of the elusive honey pot.
According to several news reports the dad, Jesse Sansone, was unceremoniously taken into custody as he entered the school – part of his normal routine. Once in custody at the police station, Mr. Sansone was required to remove his clothes for a full strip search and given a blanket to keep him warm overnight in his cell, prior to an arraignment the next morning.
Mr. Sansone’s alleged crime – possession of an illegal firearm. The reality was very different. As stated earlier, his daughter had simply described to the teacher in her own words that her dad was shooting ‘bad guys and dragons’ with a (toy )gun. The teacher informed their principal who was ‘obligated’ to involve the police and Family and Children’s Services. The governing protocols and procedures were now in full play. Thank goodness her drawing did not include her father attired in a ‘hoodie’.
At almost the same time, the police and Family and Children’s Service (F&CS) workers arrived at the family home to ‘voluntarily’ take Mr. Sansone’s wife and children to the office of F&CS and to execute a warrant granting police the right to search the Sansone home.
The mother was now likely separated from the questioning/interview of her frightened children by closed doors; the father was now separated from his frightened and bewildered family by a locked cell.
The father was processed by protocols employed by police similar to those involved in a domestic call. There is virtually no room for the police to use discretion based on their interviews – an officer is taking dad into custody. If Mr. Sansone had be incarcerated on a Friday afternoon, he would likely have found himself at Maplehurst Correction Facility in Milton, in general population until his return for a Monday morning arraignment.
The Executive Director of F&CS defends her staff for adhering to the protocols that govern these matters and by their important mandate ‘to investigate allegations or signs that a child under the age of 16 may be of risk of harm.’ The Director is rightly concerned that the reaction to this case could lead to outcomes where the public and teachers turn a blind eye to suspicious behaviors. That would be a shame!
I would suggest to these authorities though that the children were put at risk once the existing, flawed protocol was applied. Could any of these authorities be certain that their actions would not trigger serious, unintended consequeences.
In an interview following his unconditional release, Mr. Sansone almost by accident asked a critical question: “how do you recognize a criminal from a father?” Would this incident have been a non-starter if the drawing had been of a mom playing shooting dragons and bad guys with her daughter?
What does it tell us when every trained professional at every stage made the choice of a criminal over a father at play? Has our community reached a place where the agengies entrusted to partner with parents to safeguard our children’s welfare so readily accept and hold such a negative image of fathers?
Did any teacher express doubts at the family’s school? Why was a reasonable explanation not initially considered likely, or Mr. Sansone’s explanation immediately explored? Is the process so intimidating that it creates self-fulfilling outcomes for everyone involved?
Why did the police not do a complete investigation at the school? Did he police have a social worker available at the school to interview the child immediately before the dad was taken away? Are there not additional steps in the protocol prior to the strip search, blanket, and cell?
Why were the mother and children taken to F&CS? Why did they not do the interview in the parents’ home? Was the mother automatically interviewed as a victim of domestic violence? Did the mother have legal representation? Did the questioning attempt lead the mother to say bad things about her husband? How were the mother and family protected from any potential, overzealous tactics – remember that self-fulling thing? Is access to these interviews and notes readily available to families to ensure transparency?
A frightened thought to consider – where Mr. Sansone would be today if the police search failed to discover the actual toy pistol drawn by his daughter?
“All parents have the right to be treated fairly and respectfully, without exception’ – Alison Scott, Executive Director, Family and Children’s Services, in the Waterloo Region Record Mar 3, 2012
Since schools enforcement, and F&CS work together on these protocols, they must share responsibility for an approach that failed to meet the standard set by Ms. Scott in her passionate defense of her agency’s work.
Take a moment and consider that what happened to Jesse Sansone and family was by design. It is a set of procedures that has been followed repeatedly. Police Chief Torigian in the Record (June 15, 2012) has apologized for conducting a strip search (called a thorough search) as opposed to a less intrusive frisk search.
Reading between the lines – it is still unclear what is the strip search policy and the Record ‘kind of asks but chooses to leave alone’ whether the current procedures by Waterloo Regional Police adhere ot the ruling of the Supreme Court of Canada that requires reasonable and probably grounds.
Fathers are not a throwaway/disposable part of an intact or separated family. They are a key part of the parenting partnership that creates the best environment for their children and thus our community’s children to become resilient and productive young adults who know they are loved for a lifetime.
Mr. Sansone’s question has not yet been answered by these agencies. How do you recognize a criminal from a father? Unfortunately, it appears that this question has little interest for those involved. That is perhaps the most worrisome episode of this debacle.
Fathers are not the enemy; kids and dads go hand in hand!
Until that is professionally acknowledged in words and on-the-ground protocols, I would suggest that every parent hide those crayons away and pray that your family is spared the travesty that struck the Sansone family.
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