Everything about taking a step toward creating a new blended family is complicated, confusing and even confounding. What seems like a straightforward step to begin exploring the possibility of a new, intimate relationship often brings unexpected and unpredictable strains.

Remember the first rule of a family separation: EVERY FAMILY RELATIONSHIP UNDERGOES DRAMATIC CHANGES AND RISKS! In addition the risks are not limited to immediate family but also to every caring relationship in your family circle.

For many separating parents there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. As such there is often a personal need to find someone to care for and someone who reaffirms our value as a loving person and a caring parent. Our self-portrait often has taken a beating in the months before and after a separation. Putting yourself out in this setting feels risky and to be truthful is risky.

It is good to remember that there are other paths to personal recovery (renewal) before introducing an even more complicated post-separation environment. The message is simply to have your eyes wide open.

For this section I am going to deal with concerns that impact Family Renewal and your possible journey to building a new blended/complicated family.

When do you start dating?

This is a complicated question. Research informs us that in general men/fathers begin dating considerably sooner than women/mothers following a separation. There is a negative explanation around this that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’ at last.

The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. The reasons appear to be that more dads are living outside the matrimonial home without their children most of the time. This same study suggests that the intact family is the main source of support for dads and the separation is a two prong assault on who they are. Dating is an understandable outcome.

 This question would have little importance if each of us was an independent adult- we are separated aren’t we? We are BUT the ending of intimacy often is less defined for each party in a separation.

The beginning of any dating is a statement to your ‘former’ intimate partner and to your children that the return of the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement- intended or otherwise- that you are moving your life forward in this area of life.

This is not about finding fault for ‘moving on’ too soon or for isolating oneself out of fear to take a risk. Whatever the choice one needs to be prepared for very human outcomes.

Children often hold on to the hope that the intact family that they have only known will return/ get back to normal. They may believe that such a reunion would end the grief and sorrow of one or both of their parents. Even a ‘normalcy’ that was by all measures considerably unhappy is something familiar and manageable to them. When you look at the disruption that has entered their life through the parents’ choice this is understandable.

Most people enter into a serious post separation relationship at some time. Many parents may put off a formal separation and the beginning of a new home until their children are of an age that they deem more suitable. But one of the discoveries in our work with 100’s of separating parents is the young (toddler) age of their children for many separating families. Few parents are going to delay serious relationships for 10-20 years. Parenting in a blended/complicated family is a significant challenge for the new partners and every parenting relationship.

If you have child (ren) then a serious dating relationship is complicated. Making ‘mistakes’ is inevitable so you need to be able to forgive yourself, recover and learn along the way. Avoid past mistakes and angry outbursts. Try to understand the basis for these outbursts for they can have serious repercussions on your children and your children’s other parent.

So we are back to the original question – when do you start dating?

When you are ready! I am sure that you are grateful for my answer. You need to sort this out based on your readiness and the impact on those that matter to you. Another relationship concern involves your dating partner. Are your dating goals similar or very different? Are you honest with that person about your relationship intentions? Of course you may not know yourself in the early stages but at some point you will sense your own and your new relationship’s long term goal.

I dated early and we are now in our 24^th year of a complicated new family. It was an uneasy (on-going chaos) and interrupted courtship. I began dating without understanding the impact and consequences that it would have on my new partner, children and others that I cared for. On the other hand I have found a wonderful life partner for myself and my children and grandchildren.

Included in the resources are personal essays by myself and others that hopefully will provide some needed insight for you on the topic of new, complicated (blended) families.

Questions

Telling the children:

Honesty is preferable…probably. There is a tendency to be shy/hesitant about revealing that you are dating. Consider that the other side of the coin is to not tell them. What are the possible consequences of remaining silent? They are not particularly praiseworthy. Obviously the age of the children may play a part. Judgment is more likely to come from children who are tween, adolescence or even young adults. Your relationship is also more vulnerable with these age groups. They likely have a working relationship with their other parent. So keeping a secret from your former intimate partner will be short-lived once the children are in the loop. Revealing that you are dating is not the same as initiating a meeting between your children and a dating partner.

So I am in support of a two stage plan re: the children. 1. Discuss age appropriately that you are considering beginning to date. Give some lead time. 2. If you begin dating then keep them in the loop including basic information. Limit the details. The length of the relationship will prompt enough attention to move to the next step of introducing the children. This next step may be timed differently for each child based on their age, readiness and willingness.

Telling your former intimate partner of your children/shared parenting partner:

It is a mouthful, but clearly for a reason. This relationship is clearly complicated and needs to be an on-going parenting success for you and your children. We have decided that keeping a dating relationship secret is difficult at best for any length of time. So I believe that the identical approach as employed with the children should be followed. I would add a pre- step; namely, that both parties should acknowledge the dating possibility for either intimate partner in the future. This conversation may result in an agreed to voluntary ‘grace period’ before any dating occurs to allow for any change in the decision by one or the other former partners.

 The future is uncertain but transparency is surely what we can do for our children.

There are no guaranteed reactions from you child (ren) or the other parent. Sometimes a negative reaction of the child triggers a negative reaction from the other parent even when we have handled the matter with apparent care. Changing the children’s response may require patience and sensitivity. If it is entirely a child’s reaction professional support may be necessary. On the other hand if the negative reaction appears to be parent driven it may become a more serious parenting concern. A child may be caught in the middle and be used as a weapon against the other parent. Anxiety is the characteristic most likely observed by the other parent. The parenting conflict is over the cause of the anxiety- dating or the other parent’s response to dating or the child’s particular make-up or etc.

**A very common cause for interrupted parenting is a child’s anxiety to do sleepovers. The cause for the anxiety is almost always unclear and speculative. It can go on for a long time before normal parenting arrangements are reinstated with a therapist’s blessing.

Your former intimate partner’s reaction to your dating may bring out contradictory behavior. They may be dating but consider your dating to be unacceptable. The difficulty sometimes has consequences on shared parenting/sleepovers. A common reason or ‘excuse’ may be that the child doesn’t want to see you when in fact it is your former partner driving this outcome.

 Dating and serious dating may trigger what I call the ‘great fear’ of every parent; namely, losing our parenting relationship. Warning signs are available often immediately and this may lead to interrupted parenting or even confrontations in front of the child during pick-ups and returns. It can be a high risk time and necessary protective steps (a witness) might be required to ensure safety for all.

Dating is a ‘normal’ next step. One parent’s readiness to engage in such should not be subject to a parenting sanction. Pangs of hurt, jealousy or envy are normal enough but our role as a parent is to place our love for our child ahead of reckless reactions. If this is too difficult then professional support must be found ASAP. Long-term harm and criminal behavior (stalking) are too common behaviors.

The greatest gift that a parent can give their child in their complicated life is your endorsement/blessing to enjoy their time in their other parent’s new home! If you have young children each parent is likely going to have new relationships in their lives. It is emotionally difficult; however it is our parenting role to manage the emotional side of our behavior for our children.