Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental?
The questions are never ending.
A personal story: I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and telling parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home – for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.
As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.
I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.
Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill-prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.
I offer this anecdote because situational depression is a common experience.
It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out…eventually.
Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.
In the Resource Hub, there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief-similar to the death of a loved one- may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.
Read our post about Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee’s book What about the Kids – a good place to start re: the personal impact of a separation.
Try to find readings that provide spiritual renewal and pragmatic, self-help steps. Moving toward recovery can be slow moving. There are always unexpected, unprepared for triggering events that set us back; recovery is about acquiring the tools that make you more resilient.
Your resiliencyis perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resiliency will serve you well.
Included in the Resource Hub is research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression – depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.
The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.
Please read the articles related to depression for they have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace.
Many of the readings offered are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting, or relationship problems never encountered.
I found in 2 or 3 key books an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of my family’s life. I considered those books to be lifesaving for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium.
I found comfort that what I thought was happening, had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!
The Resource Hub includes recommended books and personal stories that our 800+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal.
Article by Barry Lillie, published in The Record, April 2014 as Insight Essay. (References to further articles removed)
Twenty three years ago this month, I embarked on the most unpredictable and life-changing journey of my life – a separation with children after nearly 25 years of marriage.
I had every expectation that the separation would be cooperative. My first day absent from the children and the family home soon found me in a desperate state. My thoughts were dark. The next day my oldest daughter (I have 3 children) chose to live with me outside of the family home.
Her choice was perhaps a lifesaving decision.
Eventually it was time to take the “normal” next step and hire a lawyer to formalize what appeared to be taking place on the ground and so my long, close-up education re. the legal system formally commenced.
In the past I had only hired a lawyer for two real estate transaction and a will. In these instances, the lawyers were professional and competent. I had every expectation (blind trust) that this would continue.
Four family law lawyers and three years later I had a less favourable set of experiences.
Lawyer #1 (an acquaintance – good guy) was disbarred for unrelated matters (to my case). One day he was working; the next day he became a non-person and invisible.
My file was turned over to lawyer #2 who seemed OK. Our family situation had become more difficult and dangerous now and the need for competency was important. Unfortunately this lawyer soon became my “hit and miss” lawyer – one that promises to do things but consistently fails to execute on their commitment. Lawyer #2 (personal problems) also soon became a non-person and invisible.
Lawyer #3 was discovered through a blind search of the Yellow Pages. The lawyer in this case is what I would describe as the “killer” lawyer. He played hardball and given my earlier experiences he made me fell good and poor all at once. Of course, the difficulty with killer lawyers is that they bring out the killer lawyer opposite. They can create more differences, more litigation and more fees and then you run out of money. Soon the path to any conclusion seemed even mor tenuous and remote.
I can remember that when I decided to terminate our “relationship” that lawyer #3 slammed my files onto the desk in anger; the action confirmed my decision.
Lawyer #4 was essentially selected in a similar fashion to #3. He turned out to be competent, honest and go figure (?) too busy. Eventually he was persuaded to arrange a sit down with the side opposite and in one three-hour session with proper support in the room and agreement was made. Relief, emptiness and hope were my companions as I left that room. A legal process that had begun with sadness (sense of loss and failure) and naivete (expectation) had ended 3 years later with the unintended outcome of damaged family relationships everywhere I looked. The question remained – was the damage reversible?
Eventually I filed a complaint (after “calm” was restored) to the Law Society of Upper Canada re: lawyer #2 specifically and my experience with their profession in general. I was going to “educate” them about their failings. After some months I was given an audience before their review committee and even more months later I received a letter denying any wrongdoing – apparently my experience was in the dull to normal range.
In my work with over 500 clients through Kids ‘n’ Dad I observe and hear stories re the work of the legal profession. I am asked for recommendations. I have had many positive experiences with Family Law lawyers and often make referrals based on positive experiences of clients.
Competency guarantees very little in the current legal model that claims to be all about the “best interest of the child”; incompetency adds so many layers of damage that a return to any degree of family normalcy almost surely required divine intervention.
As an aside, the best interests of my children were neve mentioned, let alone advocated by lawayers 1 – 4. My family was invisible!
Why it matters?
Twenty-three years later most of my week days begin by taking my three and four year year old grandchildren (the boys) to homecare and JK. I then often journey to my other daughters’ home for joyful moments with my 21-month old granddaughter. On a really good day I drive my almost 16 year old granddaughter to dance. As she leaves and says, “thank you Grandpa”, my eyes always mist over.
Every parent and grandparent who had come close to losing all of these beautiful outcomes understands my reaction. We know too well that a broken Family Law process can destroy family relationships forever.
My journey is of course my journey. But after seeing and working with several hundred families, I know that there is a common thread that connects separating/separated families. They are in desperate need for timely support to renew their families, if necessary, in a changed form.
I am the lucky dad and grandparent. By chance (I purposely employ that word) I made it twenty-three years later to a good place even though every significant relationship was wounded. My parents, my children’s grandparents, were victims of the chaos and never had the opportunity (time) to make it through to our family’s renewal. They suffered life-ending strokes that prematurely robbed my children of loving, caring and supportive grandparents.
I feel guilty at describing myself to as being lucky. When I went to Lawyer #1, little did I know that every relationship that mattered would be at risk – children, extended family, close friends, etc.
Remember these are simply my insights as I travelled from a world (married with children) that I understood only to enter a legal world where is seems that more energy is put into limiting/eliminating parenting and grand parenting than ensuring these important human assets to children.
We have too many compassionate talented professionals to continue to tolerate the outcomes that face separating families.
Article by Barry Lillie, published in The Record, April 2014 as Insight Essay. (References to further articles removed)
A great deal is written about blended families. I often employ the adjective ‘complicated’ to understand the creation and early journey of this new family – almost always founded from loss and hope.
Many of you may be wondering why I keep emphasizing ‘complicated’?
Take a moment and consider all the relationships that are likely affected. The decision to marry for the first time was straightforward- a decision almost totally based on the relationship between the intimate partners. Concern about the impact on others is rarely at the forefront.
Many of us who enter new intimate relationships may have no experience or understanding of this ‘complicated’ family form. The breakdown of our marriage, especially one with children, often scared us initially from ever entering another committed relationship. In addition, the high breakdown rate warns us that there are inherent risks that come with new, complicated families. The phrase ‘eyes wide open’ captures the best counsel that can be given.
The quotations offered by Ms. Coloroso provide an important perspective; namely, that every family form is legitimate and has similar aspirations. Consider her excerpt. A theme of the FRRP is about focusing on today and future days, weeks, months and years.
Each new day going forward is an opportunity for your children and you.
“I often in my own life was bogged down by the chaos and uncertainty of the separating process and failed to focus on the opportunity and legitimacy of my new family as a single dad and later in a blended family.” – Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad
An example: My blended family
Below is an outline of my new, complicated family, designed to provide a real-life example of the complicated nature of new families.
My family of origin was relatively uncomplicated i.e. parents who remained together and an older brother.
The family of origin that was created by my marriage included three children, two who were adopted as infants. The complications began with the breakdown of my intimate relationship with children.
My oldest daughter and son in law separated- their only daughter was just starting school. My ex-wife and I had separated 9 years earlier and had since remarried.
There were two stepchildren in my daughters’ mother’s remarriage.
Of course, there were numerous other extended family relationships through our remarriages. Two of my adolescent children lived mainly with their mother initially and thus with their stepbrother and stepsister. My oldest daughter lived with me mostly. The separation had split the children’s homes, but her mother’s stepchildren were also my oldest daughter’s stepbrother and sister.
My daughter had been adopted at two months of age. She had met her biological mother in early adulthood and established a caring relationship with her and a relationship with her birth mother’s family.
My granddaughter now had three sets of grandparents in the area and a grandmother (her mother’s biological mother).
My daughter remarried and became an everyday parent to a stepson. The two oldest kids had to figure out the new home, the new parent and new grandparents etc. while trying to understand what was happening again to their lives.
My daughter and new son-in-law, in time, had two children.
My son in law’s parents had separated when he was at a very young age, and he had been raised with his brother by his mother and his stepdad. Because of his young age at the time of the separation, the stepfather was the day-to-day, other parent. His father lived across the country but remained supportive and connected.
The birth father became more connected to his sons following the loss of their mother. He was remarried and had partnered in raising two stepchildren. We now have the entry of the original three sets of grandparents. including two step grandparents; a birth grandmother, a step grandmother and grandfather, a grandfather; my daughter’s stepson also has a birth mother and new family with several children and grandparents- I count 6 sets or solo grandparents in his life.
TAKE A MOMENT AND DO YOUR OWN FAMILY FLOW CHART! WHAT ARE THE IMPACTFUL RELATIONSHIPS? Etc.
Observation: In its complicated way, it works like any other family!
It is worthy of a flow chart; but the danger at printing one is that it would soon be out of date. Obviously, within these relationships some are more intimate/significant than others.
The intimacy of the relationship may vary with each individual and come from surprising sources.
A simple point: New ‘second’, ‘subsequent’ ‘blended’ families are very ‘COMPLICATED’ and it is easy enough for a child or parent or stepparent to feel ignored, abandoned, angry, deprived, etc. It is like a work in progress.
Parenting, in these families begins usually with little, joint history, is challenging and our mission to try and ensure our children feel that they belong i.e. feel included in each home and each family demands understanding. Just think for a moment about an 8-year child, who spends 4 nights every 14 days in her dad’s home with his new partner and her three children.
How does this child feel included and not simply a visitor in their other home?
I recommend that you read a Globe and Mail article: After my parents divorced… and listen to this young woman give voice to her feelings. Our focus must be on creating smooth transition to new families- single or blended/complicated. Our obligation is to create a process and network of support services to successfully accomplish this transition.
Generally, the relationships that are of greatest consequence are between the members of the immediate, blended family and the other immediate family that share some daily, parenting partnership. The parents and stepparents set the tone and determine if their children are going to feel accepted/included in both homes.
Common Issues
Since it is almost impossibleto examineevery complicated relationship without giving both of us a headache, the next section will focus on hopefully the larger issues that help your new intimate relationship build an inclusive family.
“Remarriage is an art. It requires more self-understanding than most relationships, as well as insight into the past that keeps an eye on the future.”
Included in the resources is an essay about my new, complicated family and our journey and the changing face of Christmas.
As a separated dad, I admit being a slow learner for I had not yet read Coloroso’s wise words about the legitimacy of my new family. The more I read on this topic, the wiser I am (hopefully).
The start of my new, complicated family was born ‘from unsettled loss, chaos and hope’. It was not an ideal way to start. I had three children in late teens and early 20’s. My new partner had no children, and this was her first marriage. It was just short of three years after the separation. As blended families go it was relatively ‘simple’.
Unsettled loss and chaos can quickly challenge/test that hope thing!
Every relationship that I had with my children felt as if it was at risk at the time of our actual marriage (my second/her first). My oldest daughter had just re-engaged with us; my youngest daughter was vulnerable; and my son (oldest) was navigating his way through complicated feelings toward each parent – he failed to attend the actual wedding ceremony.
This brings about a major complication i.e. feelings of the stepparent to the other parent’s children. As stated, my new wife had no children; therefore, I had no step parenting adjustment to make. I only had an expectation that my children were now her children as well, and that love for them was the ‘natural outcome’. It was supposed to be like my experience at adopting my infant son and daughter at two months of age i.e. immediate and breathtaking.
My expectations were unrealistic for my new partner and for my children.
Step parenting from the ashes of loss and chaos or through continuing loss and chaos is a long journey and requires more experiences between the new parenting/human relationships. Recognizing this reality can lead to developing strategies/opportunities to take steps toward each other. Failing to do so can lead to difficult relationship problems.
Remember the earlier article where the young woman never felt at home in either home. She was in limbo- a too common experience for children from a separated family.
The new, intimate relationship may be challenged when the new parent’s relationship with the stepchildren remains at arm’s length. For the new stepparent, the sense of being judged for their honest feelings can be difficult to accept, especially in ‘their own home’. It is a potentially toxic issue.
Fathers are more likely to be living with stepchildren full-time and their ‘biological’ children part-time. This leads to more pressure on the dad and by the dad to make his parenting time successful in every opportunity. It applies pressure on the new intimate partner to make each parenting occasion a success- actually perfect. It is a difficult way to begin or live in a new relationship.
The step parenting role has many voices (besides mine) that assert boldly ‘rules’ that should be followed to be ‘successful’. One rule limits the stepparent’s role in disciplining a stepchild in the new home-even when they may discipline the child in the same way they would discipline their birth child in their home.
Our experience with KND families dealing with counselling or assessments by F&CS or the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) suggest an unrecognized bias that maintains myths about these families that can smother caring parenting within the complicated family. These bodies may be geared to make reports/recommendations that accommodate the prevailing approach of the courts over what is best for the child and family in the longer term i.e. a lifetime.
New partner families, where a dad has reduced parenting time, face professional obstacles based not on research findings.
A small Australian report found that most judges do not know whether their decisions produced beneficial outcomes for children and families. Instead, we are stuck with the courts and their related advisors doing the same things that most families agree create additional obstacles for blended, complicated families.
There are a lot of different messages/concerns in this common advice. Consider with your new partner on how you would handle this common situation? How would you feel about two sets of parenting strategies? How would each child feel? Can you build an inclusive home with two different set of expectations every 4-5 days out of 14? How serious a problem to your relationship is this situation? Do you feel that your relationship as the biological parent or stepparent is at risk?
These needed conversations can help you find a framework for future parenting and the myriads of situations. My advice is that there may be situations where you may accept (both parties) solutions that may be less than perfect.
A common situation could centre on parents’ night at the stepchild’s school. The stepparent decides not to attend i.e. the child’s other parent will be there-a mom or dad- and the choice made is based on the hassle for everyone. Does this decision make sense? Is the stepparent recognizing a reasonable boundary or ‘voluntarily’ pushing their self off the end of the parenting bench? Should the child’s ‘natural’ parent accept the decision or do everything possible to insist that their partner play a full role in the child’s life i.e. actively demonstrate their full participation in their stepchild’s life?
How many similar situations face a stepparent e.g. Xmas concerts, children’s activities, medical concerns, etc. What are the consequences of avoiding similar settings?
My wife and I often faced similar decisions in our complicated family with my almost adult children. It was difficult for us to navigate. Eventually, we had to decide to find a balance for what we did, without making it a negative step for ‘building’ relationships between children and their new, ‘other’ family. The outcome (building or not) has consequences for the children’s children as well. It is a critical issue and requires an open conversation between new partners.
I am not a big believer that decisions are either right or wrong. I do know that blended families with unending complicated relationships need to find a process to make comfortable decisions intended to strengthen their belief in each other, as a partner and co-parents.
– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad
Consider question for for separating parents and now for complicated families – do your choices move you to a more inclusive set of family relationships or creates more obstacles to inclusiveness?
For more on this topic, see the Resource Hub. A few relevant articles:
Note: The following was written a few years ago and as such resources may be difficult to find; however, the subject matter/issues remain. Use the different sections to find more recent articles. The legal section also include information re: financial obligations.
Reality Check!
Two homes cost more than one home! Family income is unlikely to change in the short or medium future. The initial weeks and months are likely even more expensive and may lead to rising debt levels for most separating families. A lack of civil discourse or cooperation may delay the urgent need to change financial habits.
Another common characteristic for many couple breakdowns is overspending in the months leading up to the actual separation. Money issues in the intact family are a leading cause for a relationship to end.
Listed below are a number of topics and resources intended to spotlight the different financial concerns confronting almost every parent and their family.
Financial woes often contribute to marriage breakdown. Statistics suggest many couples begin family life in debt. Life with children is expensive and debt and managing debt is often an ongoing concern and a cause for conflict. It is unsurprising that in separating, conflict over money is a continuing saga.
Before separation points to consider
Separation with children and two homes triggers for many separated couples a journey from manageable debt to ever-increasing and often unmanageable day to day debt. Most middle and upper, middle class, intact families spend to the limit of their joint income. Most during their child rearing years were content with savings only in some form of pension and hopefully an increasing asset in their home.
These main assets are often tied up or unavailable for some time during the separating, legal process. Reading and understanding the legal impact on the financial side of separating is important for both parties.
Some articles to consider before and during separation
Late in life separations are more common today. A well-planned for retirement can be turned upside down when one or both parties choose to end the marriage. Often children are no longer at home; but may or may not be launched into work life. Adult children may turn for financial support at a time when parents feel guilty about their late in life separation.
Many 50+ age separating parents still have children in expensive post-secondary education and graduate programs. In the middle of a previously, certain trajectory of financial support an unexpected wrench is thrown into the mix. For many couples the assets are again a pension plan and home equity. The home based equity has often been eroded by borrowing from the asset to pay off borrowing in the intact family.
In many cases only one parent has a full pension plan and the equity in the home may vary widely. Many parents find their long-term financial plans must begin anew. Separations rarely time the market or housing at peak valuation. Women, depending on their circumstances, may find themselves with fewer resources; more specifically some may need to acquire the skill set to manage their own financial affairs. In addition one of the partners may enter a separation unaware of their financial position.
The Legal Section provides supportive materials on legal obligations re: child support, spousal support, extraordinary expenses, equalization, etc. The following resources are offered as common issues/questions that may be relevant in many separations at some time. If you can anticipate these ‘common’ happenings then you may be able to work through them in a non-destructive way.
Please do your own research.
Many Family Law lawyers provide a one off-one hour session to answer/clarify questions that you may have for a fee – without being their client. Cost likely $400-500. They are not acting as your lawyer at this time.
The advice may provide clarity on the type of legal approach you wish to employ.
General separation and finance articles
There is an unending list of financial topics related to family breakdown. Many are specifically laid out in law re: financial responsibilities to children on a day-to-day basis through child support tables and extraordinary expenses. In addition, the law sets out the division of assets, settlement of debts and equalization. For many these require goodwill if the parents are going to navigate years of co-parenting.
Articles are from government and newspaper websites. They may be dated and/or no longer available, but the topics remain relevant in most cases and allows you to do your own searches. They may help you determine the need for employing a lawyer or other support services.
WARNING: The issues raised in the above articles often come from unusual situations specifically and impact the general population of separating families. Arriving at fair settlements should be your goal and not protracted legal settlements.
Final Thoughts
Economic survivability may be initially manageable but cannot survive the challenge/test of a job loss or unexpected health crisis.
Budgeting for many two income couples has sometimes become a lost skill. It needs to be found-asap. Readings and tips may be found throughout the Resource Hub to help find low cost activities, etc.
Many couples need to separate/remove their names from accounts and credit cards ASAP.
Wills need to be updated, including possibly, the wills of grandparents!
Money is a not so funny issue once a separation occurs. It can be a source of bitterness that impacts parenting relationships and used by one parent with the children in the blame game.
In our You’re Still Dad support group parents often spoke about the issue re: joint custody vs. sole custody. Our experience after almost twenty years working with newly separating parents suggests that the risk to the non-sole custody parent’s relationship with their child is significantly endangered in a sole custody arrangement.
Occasionally sole custody may be the ‘inevitable’ outcome given certain parenting histories; but it should be the exception whenever possible.
There are approaches known as parallel parenting that provide protection for either parent from possible high conflict. These plans attempt to identify parenting situations (hopefully) that could lead to conflict. (See Resources on Parallel Parenting)
Preventive measures may be necessary until the parents find a calmer place. In the recommended resource for before and during separation, there is a document detailing situations that may need a focused remedy.
Separated parents often look back after a few years separated and realize that they were driven by anger and revenge, based on their own vulnerability.
Advocates for sole custody desire a parenting plan agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and thus each parent would be held accountable for what they signed i.e. the parenting plan. The parents will not argue because decision-making is in one parent’s hands. A parallel parenting agreement can be similar, except for the decision-making protocol.
The above sounds fine in theory; however, the reality on the ground is often vastly different.
On sole custody
Our experience with sole custody suggests that the parent with sole custody believe that they are the parent in control given their power to make parenting decisions for all matters not set out in the parenting plan. The sole custody parent may find certain parenting obligations to be ‘inconvenient ‘and often desire more flexibility as life transitions in many ways e.g. a new partner.
Sole custody is often viewed as a blank check and the other parent may be left facing a decision of returning to court to enforce an agreement from an already weakened parent/child relationship.
While it is often the father and the father-child relationship that is endangered, it is the core position of the our work that the mother’s relationship is also at risk over time, as noted from a reading of two attached case resources. It is also a core contention that parents want the best for their children over the long term and are more than capable of loving their child more than they are angry with their former, intimate partner.
Joint/Shared custody provides a backstop to erratic, punitive behavior. It makes it more difficult for a parent to break the parenting plan terms with near impunity. Shared custody arrangements that are agreed to set a foundation willingly/voluntarily for the long-term parenting relationship.
A recommended document, Child Custody, Access, and Parental Responsibility (Executive Summary) summarizes the research on the joint custody vs. sole custody debate and positive outcomes vs. negative outcomes for families.
The author, Edward Kruk U. of B.C. has been an effective advocate for joint custody based on the findings of research that he provides. At the core, his interpretation of the research matches up with any parent’s common sense; namely, that the positive involvement, support and love of each parent and extended family offers every child the best opportunity to navigate life’s challenges following a family breakdown.
The following is a blend of Dr. Kruk’s research compilation, Alberta’s Parenting After Separation and the decade of work by Kids n Dad Shared Support. It is offered as support for separating parents who want the best outcomes for their children.
Highlights
Currently, advocates often frame parenting after a separation as a conflict over mother’s rights vs. father’s rights and the core support for each side are feminists and father’s groups. The rhetoric is often harsh and self-serving and leads us down a path nowhere near meeting the needs of their child (ren). Equally disturbing, this approach can lead professionals working with families down a path about choosing one parent over the other parent.
This is a choice that was never considered when just days before separating the parents were cooperating, parenting partners and each child had two loving parents in their life. The week or even the day before deciding to separate each parent likely had no problem with leaving the child (ren) in the care of the child’s other parent.
‘Research is clear that children fare best in their post separation life when they maintain meaningful, routine parental relationships with both of their parents beyond the constraints of a “visiting” or “access” relationship…’
The research also finds that such relationships a) protect children from negative parental conflict; b) provide stable financial support;
What is shared or joint custody parenting time?
The mere fact that this is a question under debate seems somewhat bizarre. After all the children are the parents’ children, not the Court’s property to pontificate over. The state should have some influence on ensuring the parents take their responsibility in a serious way and understand the implications for their children. The child’s view of the world should be understood and considered. Understanding the child’s concerns/wishes provide a basis for the parents’ decision-making.
The above is stated within the framework that is advocated by others including Dr. Kruk. His research endorses a legal shared responsibility presumption of at least 40% time with each parent. This would only be rebuttable/altered in the case of proven child abuse or domestic violence. Child Abuse and domestic violence would be considered separately.
It is important to note that 40-45% of first-time abuse occurs after a separation in families with no previous history of such abuse. This suggests that the current path for separating fails separating families. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse in the post –separated family is committed at similar rates by both parents.
‘Recent research finds that inter-parental conflict decreases within shared parenting.’
Each parent has a stake in modelling civilized, cooperative relationship with the other parent.
The 40% parenting time presumption is a set as a minimum parenting time for each parent.
How do children do in joint custody arrangements?” …children in joint custody arrangements fare significantly better on all adjustment measures than children who live in sole custody arrangements.” (Bauserman 2002) Study after study supports this finding and research informs us that a missing or minimal fathering role leads to significantly worse adjustment measures for children from separated families.
N.B. These are findings from research done from substantial populations. There are many children from separated, sole parent families that do journey through childhood/adolescence successfully.
Inter-parental cooperation increases over time in shared parenting arrangements! In our work with over 600 clients the ‘great fear’ is the loss of their involvement as a parent with their child. Every parent, moms, and dads have this same fear. For dads it is often more real, more in their face all the time. If the separated parents manage to navigate their way through the anger and risks that often follow, they often settle into a more comfortable relationship.
The ‘great fear’ is reduced and the partner that we did not trust earlier can be trusted now. Why? Because they want the best for their child. Your parenting goals are now in sync.
The 40% parenting presumption offers parental respect for the other parent and their importance and their extended family’ importance in the child’s live.
Consider for a moment what message the current process delivers to one parent. Their struggle is to get one more overnight, one more long weekend, a birthday with their child on their actual birthday, a sense that they matter as a respected parent, etc.;
Changing workplace participation has resulted in shared parenting roles in the intact family. Most separated parents believe in a form of ‘joint custody’. This demonstrates a general recognition that the parents need each other to effectively parent their children to meet the responsibilities of career and parenthood.
There is unfortunately a caveat to the ‘joint custody’ application to parenting plans. The current reality in Canada is that contested cases predominantly end with a form of sole custody. In addition, ‘joint custody’ on the ground reality is that one parent, usually the mother, often end with that parent becoming a de factor sole custody overtime.
Any combination of factors may contribute to this outcome, but at its core is the fact that the parent with the dominant parenting time feels entitled to exercise more control and the ‘other parent with less time (3-4 overnights in a 14 day cycle) feels less connected and less important in their child’s life. The ‘other’ parent must often work extremely hard to meet their parenting role as their life moves on to a new family (blended family) or what we call a complicated family. For the ‘other’ parent’ and their child ‘fitting’ into the minority access parent’s home is complex and difficult.
Joint custody as practiced in Canada disappointingly often becomes another form of sole custody over time. The unequal/ reduced parenting time impacts each parent and states to the child and others in the family circle that the ‘other’ parent is somehow lesser and/or at fault for what has happened. The best option of shared parenting has often been negated with the first stroke of a parenting agreement that sets out a disparity in parenting time.
Therefore, the minimum of 40% parenting time is considered to be the ‘best’ foundation for ensuring two parents and two extended family’s participation in each child’s daily life.
Comments
This web site is designed to promote best practices for separated families by setting out the rights and responsibilities of parents. Our purpose is not to recommend an approach that is likely to fail parents, children and grandchildren.
The presumption of 40% parenting time for each parent with their child and for the child with each parent provides the best framework to achieve effective, shared parenting and meet the needs and desires of most children when their parents have decided to separate.
The parents would negotiate the remaining parenting time based on what makes sense for the changing family. The advantage of the 40% presumption is the ‘trust’ factor that emerges. A parent is more likely to be ‘flexible’ at meeting the child’s and other parent’s ever-changing schedules.
Parenting plans can basically be what the parents decide. Tools in the Resource Hub lay out several considerations. The resources include the research supporting our advocacy for the 40% minimum. Listen to the voices provided by children, parents and grandparents who describe their lifelong loss; their voices capture their gratefulness at their parents’ choice of civility and cooperation.
A dad in describing his journey to a parenting plan that was always less than desired or fair found satisfaction that he and his children had reached a place where they now ‘owned’ their relationship. What he could not understand is why the journey took such a toll to reach that place. Owning the relationship with your children should be a given for each parent and extended family. The role of any support service must be to support families in that doable quest.
This article by Barry first appeared as a columnist submission in the Waterloo Region Recordon July 15, 2019.
My 47th Father’s Day intersects with the recent passage of my 75th birthday, a milestone that started me on a journey of remembrance from childhood to adolescence, to parenting and grandparenting.
There are those who suggest that today’s 75 is really 60. My response is that the advocates of that position don’t have a rapidly declining golf game, nor four grandchildren between the ages of two and nine.
Twenty-eight years ago, I became a separated dad. It was a profound experience and continues to be almost three decades later.
On my office desk are pictures of my six grandchildren and they are a daily reminder of my family’s journey to this time and place.
A picture taken by my son-in-law captured my three-year-old granddaughter and I, hand in hand, quietly watching the magical sunset on the Gulf of Mexico. My eyes misted over for I knew that my father and gramps were on that beach, hand in hand with us through their gifts of love forever, through whatever.
Once the worst of the chaos and a semblance of normalcy and calm were restored following the separation, I committed to supporting families one by one, and ensuring that every child has both parents and extended families in their daily lives.
The mission of our little agency is based on a basic belief that separating parents can love their children more than they are angry with the other parent, provided the right supports are available.
Barack Obama articulated the transformation and aspirational mission of every dad when he penned the following in an open letter to his two daughters in 2009, prior to his inauguration. “But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn’t seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn’t count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfilment in yours.”
My transformational experience to fatherhood began almost 48 years ago through the adoption process. My son was placed in my arms by a Children’s Aid worker. She left the two-month-old infant with us for 10 minutes and returned to ask: Do you want to take him home? She didn’t seem to understand – that infant became my son forever, the moment he was placed in my arms. I still recall feeding him his first bottle and the radio appropriately playing the “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “Brahms Lullaby.” Tears of joy were my companion that day.
One child, in time, became three and 25 years later a new, joyful role began – I became a grandpa; now I have six grandchildren.
There is a wonderful description that captures the role of parents and grandparents: Necessary to the completeness of the whole.
Supporting integral parenting relationships through a family separation should be the mission of family law and social services. Unfortunately, it is unclear that ensuring integral, parenting relationships for separated dads is in any way a priority.
In a report in 2010, the Law Commission of Ontario offered a frightening conclusion from the users of the family law legal system. It suggested that too often solvable problems turn into unsolvable outcomes. The devastating consequences are unnecessary conflict and chaos that too often leads to interrupted parenting or worse – almost always for dads and paternal grandparents.
There is a basic question that divorce lawyers, Family and Children’s Services, counsellors, assessors etc. need to answer. Are the dad and the paternal grandparents a necessary, integral partner in the completeness of their child’s and grandchild’s life? I wonder who celebrates and advocates for separated single dads, whatever their parenting time, within these bodies. I fear the response is too often a shrug, or it’s time to move on. The message given to children is that the dad is not essential to their lives.
My father was an imperfect, flawed, loving, supportive and integral parent and an almost perfect grandpa to five. He suffered a massive stroke 12 hours after visiting this still wounded and vulnerable son, two months before my remarriage.
The chaos over three years claimed him as yet another victim. His last conscious act was to be my dad at the age of 76; to continue to be the integral parent and grandparent. He is my model and symbolizes the desire of every dad and grandfather that has graced my life.
Almost 28 years ago on my last night in the family home, I chose to fall asleep on the floor beside my youngest daughter’s (just turned 12) bed, hoping that somehow, she would know that I loved her forever. I feared that her age placed her at the most vulnerable age.
The next morning would be my last in the intact, family home. There was no single, triggering event, simply two people who had grown apart and failed to take care of each other over the latter years.
It was all done in a ‘civilized’ manner. Neither parent understood really what their reaction would be; nor the devastating way in which every family relationship would be at risk.
Immediately on leaving the matrimonial home, I was overwhelmed by the possibility of the loss of my children (19, 16, and 12). The first night absent from my home brought dark thoughts. I returned to ‘my’ home the next morning to explain my unrest; the conversation was difficult and unsuccessful.
My 16-year-old daughter chose to join me and returned to the one bedroom, where I had arranged to live in the short term. Now, my new status included my oldest daughter. It is probably an overstatement that it was lifesaving, but at the time, her choice reaffirmed that I was still dad.
Thankfully, the darkest of thoughts never returned.
When you enter the separating environment, the only certainty is the lack of certainty. Every family relationship and every other, significant relationship feels as if it is under scrutiny and judgment. An intimate relationship with children that was happy has now been exposed as a ‘failure’ with all the questions that come with the territory.
Each parent needs a supporting thought to hold on to during the initial days, weeks and months.
I would suggest the following as a guiding principle.
The bedroom that my daughter and I shared for that first week didn’t feel like a new single parent home; it felt like and looked like failure! After that first week, I found a basement apartment, maybe fit for a poor student. The only real room had a divider for privacy and a shower in the hallway. For a middle-class teacher and daughter, it too felt and looked like failure! This was followed by a more traditional apartment furnished in Spartan style.
I lived in that ‘style’ for close to 3 years.
As you can tell, I had not read or implemented Ricci’s counsel that I was a new family. It contributed to my sense of failure as father, provider and intimate partner.
Barbara Coloroso describes single parent and blended families as ‘families born of loss and hope’. For many separating parents and children, the journey going forward is a tug of war between loss and hope. For many dads, a separation is initially dominated by loss of children and the family home. So, the initial experience of being pulled toward the darkness is common. When the separating process becomes chaotic through parenting loss, hope is difficult to imagine.
‘Stepfamilies, foster families are all as real as the traditional family.’
The concept of being a ‘legitimate family’ in a separation is almost always with the parent with majority parenting time (usually mothers). There are so many forces – legal system, family law, social service bias and even family and couple friends- who see you living without the children most of the time. The family as they knew it resides elsewhere. It feels like failure, too.
To be heard by the different bodies above requires patience, civility, relentlessness, resiliency and commitment to be a parent… through whatever.
In My New, Complicated Family Turns 20, many of you in blended, second, reconstituted, subsequent, etc. families found something to take away for your own journey together. I have also included an amazing essay by one of our stepmothers about their incomprehensible, but too common journey. Please read: My New Family Matters Too!
Another 5 years has passed and our 25th anniversary is a milestone to be celebrated. Elaine and I have reflected on the early chaos and the naiveté that love and caring for each other won the day. While they are essential ingredients, they did not provide the certainty of an enduring intimate relationship or the successful creation of a complicated, new family with children.
‘But in the remarried family, the stepparent-child relationship begins much later. It’s rooted not in the child’s birth but in the early days of the second marriage, which means it begins differently and runs a separate course… It’s a relationship that starts midstream, it’s more challenging for both of you. And it’s a triumph for everyone in the family when you, the stepparent, become a really important person in your stepchild’s inner world.’
The ‘triumph’ never seems to be complete; but that I believe is the consequence of the obstacles that were so formidable during the early weeks, months and even years. One is often reminded of those early days at special occasions for children/stepchildren as they pass through different stages of their lives. There will be hurtful moments, hopefully unintentional, in each relationship as they build toward understanding, respect and trust.
New, complicated families are about acknowledging everyone’s past; but not being stuck’ by the past. Every new couple must take control of their own destiny and their future.
To that end I did a miserable job …for some time. I have lapses even decades later. Elaine made sacrifices and choices, waiting for me to recognize my errors. There are times, when a separated dad with children, has little room except for the fear that they are losing their child… perhaps forever. That continuing fear is perhaps the greatest threat to new relationships with children.
Our 25th anniversary is about honouring Elaine for sacrifices too often undervalued or even loss to the chaos that destroys so many loving, new families. It is for being a partner in building and rebuilding relationships with each of my children. It is for becoming a co-grandparent to now 6 grandchildren who fill our lives with love, joy and good chaos. It is for honouring me with her love and support as a person as well as a life partner. It is for pulling back when I was blinded by the past.
Thank you for finding my hand through it all; and allowing me to find your hand… always.
25 years ago, the children barely knew you. They were wounded by the chaos and struggles of life at that time. You built a loving and caring relationship with each, day by day, so that they care and respect you for what you have brought to their lives. Most of all, they recognize your gifts of love and support to their wounded dad.
Hope began 25 years ago and is found in every family relationship that now includes 6 grandchildren.
“‘I like to see [my son] before the game. It makes me whole. He doesn’t watch the game out there. He watches in the back. For me, I tell him I love him. He tells me good luck. We have a talk. You’ve got a good thing like that going. I give him a kiss. You have that in your life, what have you got to be mad about. You go out and do your job with ease.’ (Kyle Lowry – basketball player, Toronto Sun Dec. 25, 2014
Fathers
Kyle Lowry captures the transformation that becoming a dad brought to his life. It changed and balanced his priorities– it broughttrue meaning to the rest of his life.
Every dad understands his words and relate to the transformation that takes place.
Talking about fathers is a complicated task, for many of us became a dad in many ways and through many diverse relationships. As such, the impact of separating may differ substantially, and the challenges faced to be an effective dad are different.
Our common starting point, however, must be remembered always and the continuation of that father-child relationship is crucial. Our common fear/risk must also be remembered; namely, that a separation from the other parent could lead to losing the relationship with our child.
While what I call the ‘fear’ may find a home in both parents, the on the ground reality for a dad is likely more real and more concerning.
There will be an opportunity to hear the words (voices) of fathers engaged in the everyday struggle to be an effective and loving parent.
Listen to the voices to understand the challenges; listen to be an inspired parent that provides your children with the gifts of character that are the best of you and may become the best in your child; listen to learn the tools necessary to be an effective parent and how you can acquire those needed skills.
Tools for fathering in a single parent household
Kids ‘n’ Dad’s approach is that the term single parent is inappropriately employed and may have an unfortunate consequence of becoming a self-fulfilling outcome.
Every intact family creates two single parent homes and how it plays itself out for each family is to be determined. Marginalizing the other parent always works against the best interests of the children.
While we strongly endorse the presumption of a minimum of 40% parenting time for each parent, the reality at this point in time is this is not taking place. The imbalance (besides the effects on the child) has significant consequences on fathers in terms of the psychological/emotional impact, financial assets to provide desired opportunities for their child; and a sense of their long-term impact on raising their child.
The starting point must be to assess realistically the challenges that you face in your new single, parent household-i.e. the terms/conditions for setting up a home! As an aside, I did a terrible job of building a home for my children in the early weeks, months and even for two+ years. It could have cost me dearly.
Many dads, even with a middle-class income, probably are ill-prepared for the financial impact of a separation. Most families with children spend to their limits; any long-term savings coming from an appreciating home and contribution to a defined pension plan. Most families have credit card debt and car loans. I know that you get the picture.
Our Resources also aim to provide guidance on the a more cost efficient way to preserve your family assets to build two households.
Navigating the legal system
The legal system is not built around or for the separating dad and ensuring a strong, every day father-child relationship.
A working dad with income below $60,000 before taxes is likely to be squeezed and face on-going debt.
Do a realistic financial check-up! Assess what you need to build a new household. Make the necessary adjustments to goal setting. Try not to get into financial disputes with your child’s mother. They are likely no longer interested in your woes. They would rather find someone to listen to their woes.
Don’t involve the children in your financial disputes. Find alternative activities and opportunities, if necessary. Grandparents may provide opportunities for your children and basics for you. Grandparents can be complicated relationships in a separation. Check out the Resource Hub Grandparents section for more.
This financial warning must be heard and heeded. You must be realistic and in this section there are ways to be an effective parent in cost efficient ways. These are the voices of other dads.
Being a dad in an intact home is very different than in a separating family. It is likely that no one was an overseer in the intact home. Your role as a dad had evolved and become a norm in which the parent- child relationship carried on. For most homes there was an agreed to comfort level.
Separating changes the agreed to comfort level/norm. Working toward a new normal is what the separating process is all about. Some fathers find their previously accepted parenting style under attack in the separating family.
In an earlier section on telling the children about the separation, it was suggested that you need to assess your relationship with each child- strengths, weaknesses, concerns- in order to be an effective dad.
Reflect on the months preceding the actual separation and whether the intimate partner separating that began much earlier had consequences on your parenting relationship with each child. That would not be uncommon for a dad.
As you work your way through this section make a list of the changes about to occur in your life. What do you need to support you through the next day or week or months to immediately become a supportive parent? Where can I find such support?
Talk to your employer about possible flexibility in work schedule re: meeting children’s schedules, while a more structured plan is put in place. Research suggests that the initial weeks and months are critical for separating fathers and their children.
In the old days (me), dads tended to move out of the family home. It is often not thought out and done out of a sense of failure and even caretaking. It is still occurring; but it is not recommended; unless an interim parenting plan is already agreed to by both parents.
Leaving the family home without the children and any firm parenting agreement begins your complicated, new parenting regime. Often our new/temporary place has no room for our children. Grandparents may or may not be an option depending on their age, location and relationship.
My personal experience after close to 25 years of marriage was that I was ill-prepared to live in a single household for the first time in my life. Even when my daughter came to live with me almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home. Everything was second hand i.e. legs falling off furniture, etc. I didn’t want my youngest daughter to stay with me for my place was so inadequate. Take a moment and think about my mistakes (a few listed below).
Self-sacrifice at my personal expense. I thought I deserved to be punished; b) Penalized my youngest daughter and endangered my relationship with her by not doing sleepovers immediately; c) I had not thought out any parenting plan; d) I went into caretaking mode by thinking I could cope with anything. That was not true; e) Fill in any additional observations for me or yourself!
Steps
Rule 1
Find yourself a suitable place to be a continuing parent from the very beginning! This is a must. Think through your options. Talk to the children about the choices or proudly show them your new place and their bedroom, etc.
Don’t leave the intact home without a recognized parenting plan and a suitable place to go!
Rule 2
The suggestions in Rule 1 are intended to reduce the unpredictability, when one becomes a separated dad. Work through the additional parenting disruptions that must be covered off from day one. Your mindset must change!
The reality is that unpredictability is likely going to be your constant companion for every personal relationship.
Consider that parenting routines may be gone immediately. Attending dance classes, hockey or ringette three days after separating is a formidable challenge. Seeing your children go off with the other parent is an emotional challenge.
Informing parents, best friends, colleagues and bosses of your separation and new address, contact number may feel intrusive and may result in self-doubt or feelings of anger or betrayal, if their response fails to meet your expectation.
Rule 3
Fathers may reflect on their role in the separating family. As stated earlier, in every family the parents have found their own way of shared parenting. Any number of factors including work, ages and needs of children have been a determining factor.
The role of being a dad is more essential and difficult in the separating and changed family!
Your role as dad was not challenged in the intact family. Your effectiveness maybe, but not who you are to the children! Your effectiveness may now be challenged and your love for the children may not be enough to sustain the relationship that your children and you need.
The default position is not a viable option. An intact home where the mother dominated decision-making and everything children is not a positive option going forward. It may have the consequence of children without their father in their life in a meaningful way.
If you were the kind of father that accepted taking your cues from the mother in the intact home, you have a lot of parenting preparation work to do. You may also face verbal or even legal assaults that you were not the primary parent; thus, you should now be even less of a parent.
What was a more than acceptable role in the intact family is now working against you.
“Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship that you have with your children during the marriage.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)
Rule 4
‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ (Dr. Benjamin Spock)
Sound advice for both parents is perhaps more important for separating fathers. Normal conflict in an intact family can become escalated conflict in a separated family. The bad old ways that parents dealt with conflict over the years are no longer acceptable.
For a separating dad, some of these ways may be abusive or just as important considered abusive. Effective co-parenting does not thrive in an abusive relationship. The fault does not really matter; the consequences do.
Building more effective ways to talk to each other on parenting issues is a key tool. In our parenting section, there are some rules re: behavior necessary for effective co-parenting. In addition, there are several resources on co-parenting.
Effective co-parenting requires compromise. Fathers, who had lost their voice in the intact family on parenting concerns, may find that their voice is an unwanted intrusion to the mother. This can lead to more open conflict, reduced cooperation or simply fleeing day to day parenting. In all instances the children lose and as such the parents lose if their goal is to love their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
Courses and counselling programs are available for parents who find themselves repeatedly at odds.
Rule 5
Effective parenting following a separation is a moving target. Every relationship with your child is subject to the different stages of each child. Some we are prepared for, others may present unique challenges.
Many parents separate with children of toddler age or younger. A father from these families faced in years past a judicial approach that refused overnight stays for children before the age of four. While this has changed somewhat, it may be a factor found in assessments for the Courts. You also cannot legislate against judicial bias or a mother’s determination that she is the primary care parent.
As a separated father, you must prepare to be an effective parent and fill in any gaps in your parenting comfort level, especially, with younger children.
Every parent has gaps in their parenting resume. Own it and then do something about making it your strength!
Many dads express the importance of their daughters in their lives. They feel very close and protective. Research (often outdated or biased) in this area would suggest that fathers are less effective and needed as their daughters’ transition through the tween, adolescence and young adult stages of development. There is a moving away from healthy closeness. If this is followed then the father-daughter relationship is at risk during a critical moment in their daughter’s life.
A dad is more than capable of understanding and learning to become comfortable with their daughter’s transition into womanhood. If your daughter is uncomfortable with certain conversations, then supporting her to have her own family doctor, female school counsellor, etc.
My oldest daughter lived with me for the first years of my separation (age 16-18). I messed up on occasion, but she knew that I would always be there for her. That helped us build a relationship for a lifetime, through whatever.
Rule 6
‘Fathers that have their own special needs face obstacles to parenting their children. It is as if the community has decided that they are incapable of loving their children or of being loved by their children.’ – Barry Lillie Kids ‘n’ Dad
Many dads who deal with mental health issues, disabilities and extreme poverty are often left out of the parenting loop. In an intact family, a parent’s illness would be an opportunity for caring and understanding for a child.
Parenting would not be considered impossible because a parent doesn’t have the resources to have an appropriate residence.
Most shelters for men/fathers are unsuitable for children. Protective shelters for kids and dad are virtually non-existent and receive virtually zero funding. Consider the messages delivered to children about their dad through the way our community supports a separated dad, especially one who has pre-existing health issues.
There is a wonderful film based on a true story called the Pursuit of Happyness. The father takes his child to a House of Friendship men’s shelter.
Rule 7
For all of the above rules, there is no certainty that the outcomes are going to be what you want for your children in their journey from childhood to adulthood. Of course, they are uncertain in an intact family, but a separated parent may feel more responsibility for less than ideal outcomes.
So hanging in is Rule 7. I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this web site. I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren. I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way. There was such a defining crisis. I always thought- hang in. Be ‘relentless’ in a patient way.
I apologize for the hanging in counselling. But when you receive advice or feel the need to flee consider a time-out and the steps necessary for your personal recovery.
While many of our resources advocate shared parenting (40% minimum), many clients have built wonderful, enduring relationships with their children with considerably less parenting time. My standard for the minimum parenting time is whether you are confident that you are able to build an enduring relationship that will continue into adulthood. I would not accept any parenting agreement that didn’t provide that opportunity.
For some dads, the parenting insult is all consuming. Feeling insulted is understandable; but you cannot allow your sense of injustice to interfere with being an effective parent. The risk is that there are common outcomes for most children of a separation (reread After My Parents Divorced) and eventually teens may make decisions re: their access to you or the other parent. It is too easy to become obsessed with the injustice.
Some dads surrender in order to survive. Living without their children and a legal fight without end is unbearable. If you are in this situation, you must get help. Survival is primary, then you build a life from that step. Your children will survive and some part of you is always part of them. I know that adult children are often better equipped to understand what happened to their family based on their own life experiences.
You are a role model for your children. They do observe and what they observe can be your gift to them on how to handle adversity and treatment of others.
I often say that I would never wish what my family went through to happen to anyone. However, in my calmer moments, I believe that I am a better parent and person for having gone through the chaos. The opening quote from Kyle Lowry makes clear what is important in life.
Parenting perfection doesn’t exist in the intact or changed family. Learn to forgive yourself and your child’s other parent. There is a big picture, the long game for separating parents. Try to keep it in mind when facing challenges. Don’t get so thrown off that you run away from parenting opportunities.
Don’t disappear or even worse become an in and out parent. It is difficult for even the best of ‘other’ parents to encourage parenting relationships in such circumstances.
It is easy to give up too soon. Situational depression is real for dads facing reduced parenting, loss of supports and living outside the family home.
Some dads are angry with their children in their teens. They expect more from them when they choose not to follow the access schedule. Teens are different. Read the section on teens and on alienation. Don’t give up on them! Everyone is wounded, even in the friendliest of separations with children. Children did not participate in the decision to separate.
Protecting Your Child as a Non-custodial Dad
Finally, many dads may face a high conflict parenting situation over access and care of the children.
What do you do? Authorities may see safety concerns about the mother’s parenting as a ploy re: trying to win custody of the child. F&CS are however obligated to do an assessment. You need to keep a record of concerns and the steps you have taken. You will likely not become aware of F&CS findings.
In addition, a report may lead to a backlash by the mother and that could lead to a set of not so happy outcomes: a) interrupted access, initiated by the mother, even against the current parenting plan; b) your child’s being caught in the middle- interview by F&CS and targeted by the mother; c) confrontations on any child exchanges- high risk for abusive confrontations that can change parenting arrangements.
In our work and on a personal journey, assessing your child’s risk in the other home is extremely difficult. You can be found by authorities, such as F&CS or therapists, that you are ‘interrogating’ your child and putting words in their mouths. This is a concern.
My advice is that you must do your own evaluation. Remember that your idea of risk is quite possibly not the view of high risk by F&CS.
I failed my younger daughter because I was unable to find a way to protect her. I was on the outside and the chaos overwhelmed me. It is my personal shame. In the end, a counsellor for my daughter made a change of residence happen at the age of 17. My daughter was then in her mid-adolescence and the chaos for her diminished.
As important, more calm allowed each parent- child relationship to be renewed in the long-term.
If what you see is high risk, then you must do what I failed to do. Seek the resources to intervene. There are lawyers who specialize in F&CS cases; there are child therapists (do your research), who place the child ahead of gender;
Do it with caution and for the best reason. You will have satisfied the most important quality of being a dad; namely, protecting your child!
I made a commitment on the day my daughter came to live with me that I would never fail her again. It was the same commitment that I made to her when she was placed in my arms in the birthing room. The same commitment made by every dad who has graced my life.
I have kept that promise.
“The greatest gift that you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.” – Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids
I have yet to meet a father, who with the right support, cannot be an amazing dad…for a lifetime!
As a former teacher (it seems so long ago), I still see the approach of Labour Day through the perspective of gearing up for ‘life’s about to change’. As a parent and grandparent, the return to predictability and certainty offers a promise of order to day-to day life.
For newly separating and separated families the struggles can be difficult as new parenting patterns may not yet be established. Some parents and grandparents may suddenly face loss in their day-to-day, relationship with their child and grandchild.
The return to school should be viewed as an opportunity to build enduring, supportive relationships for parents and grandparents.
PA Days and school day trips provide additional opportunities for a parent or grandparent to have ‘special time’ with their child or grandchild. For a parent (often a dad), the opportunity for a child to see their father in a different setting is rewarding and builds ‘integral’ relationships between parent and child.
Recently I went to see a film called 8th Grade. It was about a young girl in her last week before graduating to high school i.e. a transition to an entirely different space. She is being raised by her dad- and we observe, through the dad’s painful efforts, that they are unable to talk about anything meaningful.
The film has an understated father-daughter theme. But in truth it is a universal, parent-daughter or parent-son theme.
Near the film’s end is a conversation between daughter (in crisis) and her dad that is a ‘must be viewed and heard’ as they struggle to make each other understand how they feel about each other.
It is words and/or deeds that build enduring relationships, that too often go missing because of the way families separate. Kids n Dad suggests that parents and grandparents plan to take advantage of the opportunities offered by the new school year to build a more enduring, supportive relationship.
I guarantee that during the school year you will have the opportunity to be the parent that you wish to be- just like the dad in 8th Grade.
School Days Are (Soon) Here Again
Summer is still with us and I am trying to focus your attention on the upcoming school year. A new school year often presents change upon change for newly separating and separated families. What was once viewed as joyful changes in an intact family are now challenges that make parenting more complicated e.g. a family moves to a new home in a new school district? For our children of every age change has serious implications- making new friends/losing old friends; etc.
Kids ‘n’ Dad tries to focus separated parents on the new school year. We believe in limiting surprises in the school year that may lead to unwanted parenting conflict that impacts your children. The school year is an opportunity for separating parents to restore some order/predictability and calm to their children’s lives and to their own lives.
The new school year may be especially difficult emotionally for newly separating families. It can be like the first Christmas with its emotional connections, good memories and now the loneliness of being a parent absent from the excitement of the actual event. It is a clarifying moment for everyone that family life has changed…forever.
It is also an expensive time with new activities beginning and schools often asking for additional fees for this or that. Many of our parents continue to face economic difficulties that are part of the current economic environment. Separated families rarely have enough income to support a dad’s home and a mom’s home and it often comes down to hard choices about your children’s activities in the upcoming year.
She grew up feeling like an outsider in her parents’ homes and later in their subsequent families. Her letter stopped me in my tracks. I thought about my own children and the children of our clients, who are struggling with that same loneliness and lack of belonging. My point is that doing this school thing right is part of overcoming what happened to this young woman as she grew up.
‘As parents we have a responsibility to ensure that our children feel included in each home and that each home is participating in their daily life. School is an integral part of that life.’ (KND)
Ideas to consider for the upcoming school year
Compile a personal list for your family. Each family has their own unique set of challenges, but a common set of desired outcomes!
Both parents must, together or independently, establish a relationship with their child’s teachers and school. If the separation is new, then a school visit is an imperative. The school is going to be a main source of information re: your child’s transition from an intact family.
Plan to attend school activities. Co-operate to ensure that one or both of you are available for every activity. Include supervising on a school trip as a volunteer. Establish a schedule to share your children’s activities. If the ‘together’ thing is too difficult then work out parallel arrangement that works.
MEET THE TEACHER NIGHT IS COMING UP! Ensure that you attend the ‘meet the teacher’ and all other parents’ nights, especially report card meetings. Do not count on the other parent to be the conveyor of information. If need be give the school postage prepaid envelopes with your mailing address for your child’s Report Card, newsletters, etc. Schools are RARELY proactive in ensuring that BOTH PARENTS receive all info. I know many separated parents who have never seen their child’s report card with all the valuable info on their child.
If your child’s teacher is hesitant to provide duplicate material, be courteous but also insistent and follow through. Each parent needs to be in a position to help their child with their homework, etc. Many fathers who often have less than 40% parenting time may prefer only to do ‘fun’ activities. You can do both; you should do both.
Make sure that you are up-to-date on your child’s school friends. If your child (ren) are of an age suitable to have a friend sleep over then these school friends form a likely pool of candidates. Your involvement in your child’s school activities allows you to meet other parents and create a comfort level for them and the children.
Attend extracurricular activities that are outside the school- e.g. dance, hockey, and ringette. RESPECT the other parent on those nights that are their access nights. Do not make participation by both parents a problem. Set a good example for your children.
Plan out a co-operative parenting schedule. Respect it! Abide by it! The schedule is the LAW UNLESS BOTH PARENTSAGREE TO A CHANGE! YOU CANNOT SIMPLY DEMAND A CHANGE!
If changes need to be made then consider a process to make that happen. It could be done through a mediator if you are unable to make it happen cooperatively.
Expenses need to be talked through and not simply a bill handed over with a demand. Dads in many cases need to know that school aged children cost money and that these expenses may be separate from the question of access and child support payments. Primary care parents need to know that denying access damages your children and is against the law.
I mentioned last year my concern re: the use of Facebook, Twitter, etc. to take verbal shots at a former partner. These concerns remain an alarming and disturbing development. These verbal potshots are in reality not only an attack on your child’s other parent but also upon your child. They are simply unproductive for everyone. This is absolutely unacceptable! It is embarrassing/hurtful to your child and is making public what is essentially a private family matter. Another aspect of the use of the social media is the potential misuse and risk to our children. If we as the parents are hooked on Facebook and messaging, why wouldn’t we expect our children to model themselves in the same way? The problem is that most children are without the life experiences that we bring to social networking. This is particularly a problem for children in the tween age bracket. In separate families children of this age may rely on these friends even more and also have more time alone, etc. As such the good aspect of a child cell phone (safety, ready availability) may become lost to the negative side (vulnerability and obsession). Go on line, educate yourself on the risks to your adolescent and develop a strategy that works for your family.
If you are newly separated don’t be afraid to initiate a meeting(s) as necessary with a key teacher/mentor/coach to your child. They can watch over your child and encourage participation and friendships.
Finally, if you have a new partner during the school year, take it slow and easy. Understand possible reactions of your child; deal with your former partner in a mature, honest and sensitive manner. Read up on possible reactions. Ask your new partner to be patient as you try to work out the new family dynamics.
PA Days offer an opportunity for additional parenting time for some parents and could be included in Parenting Plans. Cooperating parents can reduce before and/or after school costs by sharing in providing care to their child. In addition grandparents – especially paternal grandparents who may now have reduced time with grandchildren-can also be included in school year planning. They provide a sense of belonging to grandchildren.
FINALLY acknowledge the other parent’s flexibility. Acknowledge each other’s flexibility. Your children will notice.
I used to say that parenting through a separation is a marathon, not a sprint. I have adapted my thinking- separation is a series of sprints that hopefully add up to the completion of the marathon. Just when you think there is a comfortable pattern, life gets in the way. Life in the way can be a remarriage or a move or a job loss/ financial crisis or a child in crisis or…. Every separated family in every school year is likely going to face a difficult change(s) that may trigger a crisis. The challenge is to figure out a process to accommodate the crisis.
As separated parents we have an obligation to find solutions to those ‘life gets in the way’ happenings. The school year is an opportunity for parents to model for their child a cooperative relationship that demonstrates the parents’ love for their child- a love that survives all challenges on life’s journey.
Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children develop to a certain age i.e. late- adolescence or early 20’s- to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and appear remarkably independent.
I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that this age group/your child will likely have to accept/endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities and for sure they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction i.e. who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance, here.
A family unit that has always remained intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that these children have known. For some parents at this stage, there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage; it is my time to find happiness’. That is not an unreasonable feeling, but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise, your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.
Personal Note: my son was 19+ when his mother and I separated. It was ‘assumed’ that he would manage (at least I assumed) the family breakdown. His reality of course was something different. As unhappy intimate partners, we failed to anticipate the impact on our 19 year old son.
A parental split rarely/never go as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition, there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become long-lasting.
Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited opportunities with your child. Different perspectives of older children can cause serious, long-lasting rifts.
This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended, negative outcomes are more likely to endure, when older children are no longer under the same roof. There is less together time to repair the damage/to work it through. In addition, each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.
Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child.
1. Reaction is very individual.
2. Any # of symptoms.
3. Often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.
4. Often blame one parent. See the other parent as being abandoned.
5. They may also decide to live separate lives.
Make your own list for your children and your common and unique parent-child relationship!
Possible steps
An adult explanation.
No side taking in conversation with your child.
Marriage happened- Shared history.
Serious thought given to explanation i.e. honest without defamation.
Find ways to manage family events and including extended family/grandparents.
Flexibility re: schedule with children. Persistent in making getting together happen. Manage with calm and understanding re: difficulty at making arrangements.
Transition to a ‘sort of ‘adult relationship. They are still a ‘child’, but like all growing children, the style of the relationship is changing- even more so in these circumstances.
Each child’s reaction is unique to them and often based on their recent past relationship with each parent.
Flexibility on finances i.e. child support and other expenses. I say this because at this age the children may set their own schedule, based on their whims and the parent in favour.
If you can work out a formula to pay additional costs (if needed) to one parent (if they exist), you can reduce the children’s sense of blaming one parent or the other re: financial shortfall or decisions that affect their lives.
Finding a process or the will to implement a fair system can lead to less conflict for future family get togethers.
New dating relationships often trigger reactions from a former partner and from children. It adds a permanence- a forever changed piece that the intact family is ending and new relationships are beginning.
It may not matter to the ‘non-moving on former partner’ that you did it in a tactful, timely and sensitive way. Their reaction often has negative repercussions on the children and their initial reactions. You can only do your best at managing the situation. Your former partner could do dangerous or manipulative actions and you need to be prepared for that possibility, and take appropriate, protective steps. This can be very dangerous stuff!
Often one partner is ready to move on, the other isn’t or changes their mind from being ready. Sometimes in doing so, the moving on parent may feel the wrath of family, friends and children in the timing of dating. Older children can be volatile, and their negative judgment can be devastating to a parent, especially when added to that of other significant persons in your life.
One has to be cautious BUT you are the only one who knows the past history of aloneness from a long-term, empty, intimate relationship. Don’t beat yourself up over the reactions of others. Consider the best, next steps.
Often, they are to carry on and time will simply move every one past the current objections. There is no excuse for dangerous behaviors by the other party. In short, simply be the best parent that you can be in these circumstances!
See recommended resources in adolescence and young adulthood!
Kids 'n' Dad 