Category: Holidays

stone monument with words outdoors

On Becoming a Dad, Grandpa and Great Grandpa

On By BarryIn Fathers, Holidays

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

My beginning as I remember

On January 29th, 1915, a bank clerk aged 23 from St. John’s Newfoundland volunteered to join the newly created Royal Newfoundland Regiment following the British Empire declaration of war- the ‘Great War’ had commenced. This regiment of young men were under British command and within a few months were given a boisterous farewell by their proud family and friends as they were transported 5000 miles away to Gallipoli – the Dardanelles campaign- an unheard of destination for all. 

These young Newfoundlanders volunteered for King, country and adventure. The war was expected to be short- over within a year; instead these young men soon endured  trench warfare, daily bombardment, disease, harsh weather conditions and the never ending, haunting and foreboding cries of  dying and wounded comrades and enemy combatants.

Our young bank clerk within months at Gallipoli was struck by a piece of shrapnel in the chest pocket of his tunic. He should have died;  by chance, fate or divine intervention a coin, pen and notepad in his tunic pocket blunted the impact. He would survive to fight another day.

A few blood- stained months later the ill-conceived Gallipoli campaign was abandoned by the British command, and the young men of the Newfoundland Regiment would be transferred to the Western front and an even more brutish and deadly campaign at Baumont-hamel in France. Losses for this regiment surpassed over 50% in deaths and wounded.

Our young bank clerk, who had earlier escaped ‘certain death,’ had been promoted to Lance Corporal but in the ensuing months suffered a  lifelong disability. His participation in the ‘Great War’ had concluded. He would be sent home on a hospital ship; unlike most of his mates he would survive the carnage of  Gallipoli and Baumont -hamel. He would be reminded every day by his lifelong physical disability and the emotional trauma of trench warfare.

 In time, he returned to his previous employment as a bank clerk in New Liskeard in Northern Ontario and soon met and married a young woman, a pioneering female teacher. He soon was transferred to Toronto, and they would have their only child, a son who would be named after his father and grandfather- Ronald Mc Donald Lillie.

Within 10 years (1920s) his young wife suffered a progressive, mental health breakdown (likely schizophrenia) and would live the remainder of her life (over 50 years) locked in her own reality. As her illness deepened,  she drew a commitment from her husband, our young bank clerk, that he would not institutionalize her, a common consequence in that day. He kept his word, ever hopeful for a glimmer of positive change that never came.

In her realty, her son remained forever a 10 year old boy. Over time  family members who entered her life were given names from somewhere in her past – it was simply accepted as the way it was by all the family members. She called me Baby Edgar, and the son remained always her ‘million dollar baby’.

Their son surely struggled all his life to make sense of his childhood and by the age of 20 was married. They had a child in 1938 and within 2 years, like his father before him,  he volunteered for the Canadian armed forces shortly after the start of WW2 in 1939. His send off was quite different from that of his dad some 25 years earlier. The war was going badly, and the future would likely be even worse. He said his goodbyes to his wife, 2 year old son and dad. Would they ever see each other again was a relevant question? 

Both wars placed their lives in the hands of others, fate and chance.

He would serve in Britain for over 3 years  during the Battle of Britain, preparing for an expected German invasion. He returned to Canada in 1943 to train soldiers at Camp Borden- many who eventually served and lost their lives in the Canadian tragedy at Dieppe and later in the heroic invasion of Normandy in June 1944.

Upon his return to Canada the son of our Newfoundland bank clerk would have his second son, born in May 1944. I was that child! I like to believe that my very conservative dad went AWOL to conceive his second son.

By chance, fate or divine intervention of a coin, pen and notebook in a tunic pocket. 

 As a child aged seven I was shown reluctantly by my gramps those ‘survival trophies’ from WWI but once. They simply were and co-existed with unasked and thus unanswered questions about my grandmother’s mental illness; my gramp’s disability; the impact of my father’s absence upon my older brother’s first  5 years of life and upon his young wife, my mother.

From this Remembrance Day my gramps and dad would be an integral part of my childhood, adolescence and adulthood until their passing. They shaped the completing of my whole- who I am for better or worse as a parent and grandparent. Their gifts were their faith in me- even when I was less deserving; just knowing they were there for me from sitting beside my bed in childhood, to a place of quiet retreat in adolescence, to being near in the crisis of my adulthood. 

It has now been 110 years (1915) since our young 23 year old bank clerk volunteered; his son was even younger with an infant child when he volunteered in 1939.  Doing their best for their children and grandchildren, at times imperfectly and very human, was shaped by those years of never knowing if there would be a notebook, pen and coin in a tunic pocket.

 ‘A parent’s love is forever…through whatever!’ That was their gift to their sons and through them to their grandchildren and successive generations. 

 “We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body”. (poet/Essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson)

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section.

An open letter to separating parents on preserving all the essential relationships that help children thrive

On By BarryIn Grandparent, Holidays

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

There is something ultimate in a father’s love, something that cannot fail, something to be beloved against the whole world.

– Frederick Faber, priest

Lost in the hype of Father’s Day is the continuous, diminishing of the importance of a dad, unless it is within the intact family. The post, intact family role for a dad becomes essentially conditional to the mother’s commitment to shared parenting. A mother’s opposition leads to others becoming arbiters to whether a dad is parent-worthy to their OWN children and to what extent.

 It is an insidious system and even mediation and collaborative processes suggest outside decision-makers make judgments, usually about a dad’s parenting value. There is no guiding principle that states that both parents and grandparents shall share parenting in the post-separation family.

This Father’s Day, I decided to write about my journey as a separated dad and the cost to my parents-grandparents to five.

The face of our web site portrays my then 3- year old granddaughter and I on the Gulf of Mexico, sharing with several hundred other families from every family form an awe inspiring moment. I know that my father and gramps were holding hands with Mollie and I; and that getting this separating process right is a MUST for the Mollies and Timothies everywhere- for they become parents and grandparents too.

A second, attached resource has some overlap with the original essay; it is my personal journey with my parents, grandparents to five, from the moment of my separation.

My hope is that there are experiences and lessons that helps your family in some way. You are not alone in your journey.

Grandparents: The Forgotten Story of Family Separation and Divorce

I’ve come to realize, though, that it’s best for kids to spend plenty of time with both mom and dad. It’s best if both parents are very involved in day-to-day parenting, and its best to put the needs of kids ahead of the parents needs or desires…”

– Jennifer L.W. Fink, Wisconsin from Building Boys

Ms. Fink, mother of two boys once rejected any notion of shared parenting following her separation.  Five years later following the Court imposition (‘plenty of time’) of Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting legislation, she is grateful not just for her children, but also for having dad as a parenting partner.

She succinctly captures her personal transformation: “My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.”

Stella Kavoukian, a mediator-therapist outlined a path for separating parents: “Kids do as well as their parents do. We are their role models. The better that parents are able to communicate and resolve issues, the better the kids will be able to manage their own relations throughout life.”

An essential test of a good parenting plan following a separation is how the agreement preserves all the essential relationships that help children thrive through the years and become happy and resilient young adults, fully capable of entering loving relationships.

Namely: Do you send your child to the other parent and their extended family with your blessing and encouragement to have a joyful time?

 “Giving your permission to your child to love and be loved by the other parent and grandparents is a lifelong gift that is far greater than the ‘things’ we purchase!”

I have reached the age of my father, when my family separation took place. I can remember as if yesterday the chaos and piercing grief that became part of my parents’ daily life. Their relationship with my three children became intermittent at best and special, ‘happy occasions’ were almost always filled with loss and sadness. They were caring parents and grandparents (good people, not perfect) who created special, lifelong memories for their grandchildren. A separation process without end left them wounded for the remainder of their lives.

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

Humanizing the separating process became my life mission.

Recently, my youngest daughter commented on a grandfather that she knows who is not seeing his grandchild.  She wondered aloud that she couldn’t imagine how I would have survived if I had faced the same outcome. I don’t know the answer to be truthful.

 Barbara Coloroso calls the struggle the piercing grief of loss. Fortunately for this writer, estrangement over the years was only temporary and intermittent; but the fear of loss and the fragility of relationships have remained a lifelong companion. I don’t believe that it ever completely disappears from our being, once experienced.

I witness today the exclusion of grandparents (most often paternal) from grandchildren in often the most egregious ways. The word ‘indifferent’ inadequately describes the time given by legal and social service professionals to grandparents and their significance to children and grandchildren of all ages. I often view parenting agreements from clients and rarely, if ever, have I read a parenting document outlining, let alone insisting on ‘the good intention’ to include the grandparents from both extended families.

The Ontario legislature passed a Bill that gave grandparents the opportunity to seek a legal remedy, when they are blocked from their grandchildren. This option may be a possibility for grandparents, when the dad has faded away or simply surrendered to the grief and loss of a failing process. We shall see how this works out.

However, the most productive way of preventing the loss of grandparenting is to ensure that the ‘best interests of the child’ include all the essential loving, committed relationships in each child’s life.

An after the fact legal remedy by a grandparent is doubtful at best, for most grandparents have experienced the devastating and costly consequences of the legal system through their child’s separation. They too have become worn out by their child’s experience within the system, and the thought of repeating this same nightmarish journey emotionally and financially with no certainty, is simply too great a risk.

As one of our grandparents so clearly stated some years ago: ‘the family justice system has lost the right to use the word ‘justice’.

Paternal grandparents disproportionally suffer from the aftershock of their son’s family separation. Fathers are more likely to face reduced parenting time with their children and the challenges that such parenting arrangements present for strengthening and sustaining, enduring father-child bonds. Grandparent-grandchild bonds must be sustained often through the parenting opportunities of their child.

Paternal grandparents are often caught in what I have identified as the quadruple whammy, namely:

 a) Losing often a special relationship with their daughter-in-law (in long-term marriages they have become a ‘daughter’);

b) Remaining a loyal support to their son and caught in his despair and loss of parenting time;

 c) Grandparents may also be divided on what needs to be done- loyalty to their son or going around their son to retain a relationship with their grandchildren;

d) In many instances, the paternal grandparents may have been the key support to the parents and children in the intact family.

Our failure to demand inclusive outcomes for families, leaves children often on the outside of one side of their family, for no reason. In allowing this to occur, children lose what Ms. Fink described as ‘integral’ relationships- necessary to the completing of the whole of each child- the role of each parent and grandparent.

Grandparents contribute to integral relationships by providing:

1) The continuity of the family- for a child to understand their roots.

2) Modelling the personality/values/character of their families and as a consequence the child’s own identity.

 3) Children knowing they are loved, unconditionally.

 4) Provide a place of calm that is less involved in the day to day upbringing and more focused on just being there.

5)   Real poverty is unlikely and a source for enhanced opportunities are a trademark of grandparents.  

6)  Their involvement provide parenting experience and advice for parents.

7) By being a source of emotional support for parents and grandchildren in troubled times.

Father’s Day, for this writer, is a reminder of the lifelong gift of knowing that I was loved forever, through whatever by my father and grandfather. That ultimate gift is what I ‘hope’ I have offered to my children and grandchildren in my imperfect way. It is what every healthy parent in an intact family or a family born out of loss and new beginnings desires/hopes to give to their children.

I have lived through my own family miracle as a separated dad. That miracle/good fortune has allowed me to be a day- to- day grandfather. Most days I take my two grand boys to school and after the farewell hug, smile and wave, my eyes often go misty. I think my reaction is ridiculous after so many years; yet, it serves as a daily reminder of the uncertain gift of being a dad and grandfather.

“We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body.” (Poet: Ralph Waldo Emerson)

This past week, I reconnected with four childhood chums from grade one through high school some 65 years ago. Stories were told that were embellished to the point of being unrecognizable. Good times from 60 years ago were joyfully recalled as yesterday. But what I took away in the end was our common commitment, love and support as a dad and grandparent.

As Kyle Lowry simply stated in the Toronto Sun: “But…fatherhood. that changed everything.”

 When I attend Christmas concerts or JK graduations, I am always touched by the love and joy of parents and grandparents from every background, connected as one, by our common mission of completing in the best way possible the whole of our child and grandchild. (See School Essays)

Events such as these constantly reaffirm my faith that parent and grandparent love has the capacity to overcome temporary anger between separating, intimate partners, when the right, supportive resources are in place.

Every dad wants the best for his children

On By BarryIn After Separation, Grandparent, Holidays

This article by Barry first appeared as a columnist submission in the Waterloo Region Record on July 15, 2019.

My 47th Father’s Day intersects with the recent passage of my 75th birthday, a milestone that started me on a journey of remembrance from childhood to adolescence, to parenting and grandparenting.

There are those who suggest that today’s 75 is really 60. My response is that the advocates of that position don’t have a rapidly declining golf game, nor four grandchildren between the ages of two and nine.

Twenty-eight years ago, I became a separated dad. It was a profound experience and continues to be almost three decades later.

On my office desk are pictures of my six grandchildren and they are a daily reminder of my family’s journey to this time and place.

Clip of Record article Every dad wants the best for his children.

This picture captured my three-year-old granddaughter and I, hand in hand, quietly watching the magical sunset on the Gulf of Mexico. My eyes misted over for I knew that my father and gramps were on that beach, hand in hand with us through their gifts of love forever, through whatever.

Once the worst of the chaos and a semblance of normalcy and calm were restored following the separation, I committed to supporting families one by one, and ensuring that every child has both parents and extended families in their daily lives.

The mission of our little agency is based on a basic belief that separating parents can love their children more than they are angry with the other parent, provided the right supports are available.

Barack Obama articulated the transformation and aspirational mission of every dad when he penned the following in an open letter to his two daughters in 2009, prior to his inauguration. “But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn’t seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn’t count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfilment in yours.”

My transformational experience to fatherhood began almost 48 years ago through the adoption process. My son was placed in my arms by a Children’s Aid worker. She left the two-month-old infant with us for 10 minutes and returned to ask: Do you want to take him home? She didn’t seem to understand – that infant became my son forever, the moment he was placed in my arms. I still recall feeding him his first bottle and the radio appropriately playing the “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “Brahms Lullaby.” Tears of joy were my companion that day.

One child, in time, became three and 25 years later a new, joyful role began – I became a grandpa; now I have six grandchildren.

There is a wonderful description that captures the role of parents and grandparents: Necessary to the completeness of the whole.

Supporting integral parenting relationships through a family separation should be the mission of family law and social services. Unfortunately, it is unclear that ensuring integral, parenting relationships for separated dads is in any way a priority.

In a report in 2010, the Law Commission of Ontario offered a frightening conclusion from the users of the family law legal system. It suggested that too often solvable problems turn into unsolvable outcomes. The devastating consequences are unnecessary conflict and chaos that too often leads to interrupted parenting or worse – almost always for dads and paternal grandparents.

There is a basic question that divorce lawyers, Family and Children’s Services, counsellors, assessors etc. need to answer. Are the dad and the paternal grandparents a necessary, integral partner in the completeness of their child’s and grandchild’s life? I wonder who celebrates and advocates for separated single dads, whatever their parenting time, within these bodies. I fear the response is too often a shrug, or it’s time to move on. The message given to children is that the dad is not essential to their lives.

My father was an imperfect, flawed, loving, supportive and integral parent and an almost perfect grandpa to five. He suffered a massive stroke 12 hours after visiting this still wounded and vulnerable son, two months before my remarriage.

The chaos over three years claimed him as yet another victim. His last conscious act was to be my dad at the age of 76; to continue to be the integral parent and grandparent. He is my model and symbolizes the desire of every dad and grandfather that has graced my life.

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section.

To my daughter on Mother’s Day

On By BarryIn Holidays, Mothers

This article by Barry originally appeared in the Globe and Mail.

Barry, Elaine, Karen, and Kayla at the theatre to catch a production of Mama Mia.

A look at the unique feelings of fathers for their daughters who are now mothers.

It was an amazing experience the other day when Kayla (my 30-month-old granddaughter) crawled into my arms, tucked her head on my chest and arms, and snuggled down for the next hour. No other happening could provide a grandparent with such contentment and calm.

I recalled that less than three years ago you hesitatingly informed me over dinner that you were expecting. I knew then that you required my unquestioning support for the challenge.

I suspect, though, that my internal reaction was similar to most fathers: Are you ready for this? (As though we were.) Have you done all the other things you wanted to do? (As though we had.) And of course: Are you feeling alright? (Fathers, who have not personally experienced the mysteries of pregnancy, tend to focus initially on their daughter’s welfare.)

Most fathers don’t dream or have visions about their daughters being pregnant; indeed most of our energy was focused on making sure that didn’t happen. Our efforts were directed at giving you the possibility of being whatever you wanted to be: a professional dancer, an Olympic swimmer, a teacher or someone who would challenge the glass ceiling on gender equality.

As I held Kayla in my arms, I remembered those rare moments when you slowed down enough to fall asleep in a similar way. Or when you decided to skip the crawling stage and go straight for walking — running, even — or to doing cartwheels up and down the stairs. Or those incredible years of activities: soccer, T-ball, ringette, track, dance and swim. I recall how you acquired new “best friends” at each of these and how they remained part of your life. Most of all, I remember your remarkable energy and joy for living even in your earliest years.

There were, of course, other moments less precious and more worrisome, but they came with the territory of parenting. And as the years have gone by, they have blurred and faded away, lost in the pride for a daughter who has become a special young woman — and a mother.

I remember receiving the call from your hubby that Kayla had just arrived and that both of you were doing well. Although he had phoned within minutes, I remember I thought this goofy father-thought: Something was wrong here. If you were in the hospital for a procedure, I should have been there with you.

For fathers, there are certain benchmarks when the recognition of your life’s journey becomes more apparent. An undeniable crunch occurs when you become a grandparent for the first time. What happened to those past 50-plus years? (Then, of course, you remember and realize it was quite a lot of work and you become somewhat more comfortable with this new reality.)

I remember looking at Kayla that day, lying quietly in my arms and realizing how proud I was of your approach to this change in your life. From the moment you knew of your pregnancy you set out to ensure that you did everything within your control to give Kayla a healthy start to life.

I recalled how, on the day after Kayla’s birth, I returned to the hospital with your stepmom and you did something that was so typically you. You placed one-day-old Kayla into your stepmom’s arms and turned her into a belonging grandmother. The result was a bonding that was instant and strong.

For the rest of us, a new role was assigned that becomes as important as any other when we’re transformed into grandpa and grandma, nanna and pappa, oma and opa, aunt and uncle, and so many more relationship permutations.

For any parent, it is always rewarding to observe your child in a new shining light and this was true as I watched your every effort with Kayla. Again you set out to educate yourself about the different stages of Kayla’s development and her changing needs as she moved through her early days, weeks and months. I observed you battle fatigue with uncommon grace as you ensured your child’s needs were met with certainty and nurturing love.

I watched as you wrestled with the complex balancing act of new mother, wife and self, but always determined that Kayla was your priority.

I noticed how you played with her, receiving warm smiles for your funny faces and introduced her to music and dance, knowing that it will bring joy to her life. You understood through education and instinct that so much was going on within Kayla during these months as you combined the role of protector/nurturer/teacher.

You read to her, knowing that appearances were deceiving and that her mastery of language would be enhanced by these early efforts. One remarkable day after another is now occurring in her communication and understanding of language. What a joy it is to see her run toward you with her smiling face and sparkling eyes.

What strikes me are your gifts to Kayla that are already visible as larger outcomes. She has learned to trust her world and is comfortable with the multitude of adults in her life. She has been allowed to express herself creatively because you encourage her to exercise more control over her play (under your watchful eye). You have provided her with enrichment in so many diverse areas while providing a backstop of protective discipline to her life.

Most of all, I am so impressed with the early gift to Kayla of energy and joy for life that has always been you. These gifts are apparent every day in the gentleness and radiating love of your interactions with her. They are observed in Kayla as I watch her enjoy the animals at the zoo and her ease with new “buddies” at the park.

I remember how you returned home that day with Kayla asleep in my arms and laughed because I had remained motionless for close to an hour. As you took Kayla gently from me, it was a passage in time: it was a realization that my daughter was now a remarkable mother. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I know that it has been a delightful journey, and will continue to be so.

Thank you for being who you are, my daughter and the mother of Kayla. Happy Mother’s Day from Dad/Grandpa, with love.

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

My New Complicated Family Turns 25: December 2018

On By BarryIn After Separation, Holidays
Barry and his grandkids at at Kitchener Rangers game
Barry and grandchildren at a local hockey game

Almost 28 years ago on my last night in the family home, I chose to fall asleep on the floor beside my youngest daughter’s (just turned 12) bed, hoping that somehow, she would know that I loved her forever. I feared that her age placed her at the most vulnerable age.

The next morning would be my last in the intact, family home. There was no single, triggering event, simply two people who had grown apart and failed to take care of each other over the latter years.

It was all done in a ‘civilized’ manner. Neither parent understood really what their reaction would be; nor the devastating way in which every family relationship would be at risk.

 Immediately on leaving the matrimonial home, I was overwhelmed by the possibility of the loss of my children (19, 16, and 12). The first night absent from my home brought dark thoughts. I returned to ‘my’ home the next morning to explain my unrest; the conversation was difficult and unsuccessful.

My 16-year-old daughter chose to join me and returned to the one bedroom, where I had arranged to live in the short term. Now, my new status included my oldest daughter. It is probably an overstatement that it was lifesaving, but at the time, her choice reaffirmed that I was still dad.

 Thankfully, the darkest of thoughts never returned.

When you enter the separating environment, the only certainty is the lack of certainty. Every family relationship and every other, significant relationship feels as if it is under scrutiny and judgment. An intimate relationship with children that was happy has now been exposed as a ‘failure’ with all the questions that come with the territory.

Each parent needs a supporting thought to hold on to during the initial days, weeks and months.

I would suggest the following as a guiding principle.

Remember. You are still a parent. You still have a family! (Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House).

The bedroom that my daughter and I shared for that first week didn’t feel like a new single parent home; it felt like and looked like failure! After that first week, I found a basement apartment, maybe fit for a poor student. The only real room had a divider for privacy and a shower in the hallway. For a middle-class teacher and daughter, it too felt and looked like failure! This was followed by a more traditional apartment furnished in Spartan style.

 I lived in that ‘style’ for close to 3 years.

As you can tell, I had not read or implemented Ricci’s counsel that I was a new family. It contributed to my sense of failure as father, provider and intimate partner.

Barbara Coloroso describes single parent and blended families as ‘families born of loss and hope’. For many separating parents and children, the journey going forward is a tug of war between loss and hope. For many dads, a separation is initially dominated by loss of children and the family home. So, the initial experience of being pulled toward the darkness is common. When the separating process becomes chaotic through parenting loss, hope is difficult to imagine.

  ‘Stepfamilies, foster families are all as real as the traditional family.’

– Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis

The concept of being a ‘legitimate family’ in a separation is almost always with the parent with majority parenting time (usually mothers). There are so many forces – legal system, family law, social service bias and even family and couple friends- who see you living without the children most of the time. The family as they knew it resides elsewhere. It feels like failure, too.

To be heard by the different bodies above requires patience, civility, relentlessness, resiliency and commitment to be a parent… through whatever.

In My New, Complicated Family Turns 20, many of you in blended, second, reconstituted, subsequent, etc. families found something to take away for your own journey together. I have also included an amazing essay by one of our stepmothers about their incomprehensible, but too common journey. Please read: My New Family Matters Too!

Another 5 years has passed and our 25th anniversary is a milestone to be celebrated. Elaine and I have reflected on the early chaos and the naiveté that love and caring for each other won the day. While they are essential ingredients, they did not provide the certainty of an enduring intimate relationship or the successful creation of a complicated, new family with children.

‘But in the remarried family, the stepparent-child relationship begins much later. It’s rooted not in the child’s birth but in the early days of the second marriage, which means it begins differently and runs a separate course… It’s a relationship that starts midstream, it’s more challenging for both of you. And it’s a triumph for everyone in the family when you, the stepparent, become a really important person in your stepchild’s inner world.’

– Judith Wallerstein: What About The Kids

The ‘triumph’ never seems to be complete; but that I believe is the consequence of the obstacles that were so formidable during the early weeks, months and even years. One is often reminded of those early days at special occasions for children/stepchildren as they pass through different stages of their lives. There will be hurtful moments, hopefully unintentional, in each relationship as they build toward understanding, respect and trust.

New, complicated families are about acknowledging everyone’s past; but not being stuck’ by the past. Every new couple must take control of their own destiny and their future.

To that end I did a miserable job …for some time. I have lapses even decades later. Elaine made sacrifices and choices, waiting for me to recognize my errors. There are times, when a separated dad with children, has little room except for the fear that they are losing their child… perhaps forever. That continuing fear is perhaps the greatest threat to new relationships with children.

Our 25th anniversary is about honouring Elaine for sacrifices too often undervalued or even loss to the chaos that destroys so many loving, new families. It is for being a partner in building and rebuilding relationships with each of my children. It is for becoming a co-grandparent to now 6 grandchildren who fill our lives with love, joy and good chaos. It is for honouring me with her love and support as a person as well as a life partner. It is for pulling back when I was blinded by the past.

Thank you for finding my hand through it all; and allowing me to find your hand… always.

25 years ago, the children barely knew you. They were wounded by the chaos and struggles of life at that time. You built a loving and caring relationship with each, day by day, so that they care and respect you for what you have brought to their lives. Most of all, they recognize your gifts of love and support to their wounded dad.

 Hope began 25 years ago and is found in every family relationship that now includes 6 grandchildren.

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

brown envelop on table

A Letter To All Separated Parents From Their Child….For What It’s Worth

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, Holidays

This guest post was provided by a family member who worked with Kids ‘n’ Dad. Names have been changed.

Hello my name is William.

I am almost sixteen, and I am in grade ten.  Although sixteen is still young, it is an age when I am thinking about many relationships in my life. My thoughts recently have turned to growing up with a mom and dad who live in different homes. I have so many friends and class mates who have a parent or even a set of grandparents missing from their life. I feel sad for them. 

My parents started our two home thing when I was almost seven. In some ways I can barely remember us all living together. I do remember them arguing a lot; but to be truthful they were my mom and my dad. That was the way it was. 

When they decided to live apart I remember that they took me aside to tell me and then asked me where I would want to live? My response was I think pretty normal?  “I want to live with both of you!”

I still recall that it seemed like a dumb question. Almost nine years later I still think it was a dumb question. But I now realize that it is the most important question.

I recently sent my parents a short note as a joint Mother’s Day/Father’s Day card:

Dear Mom and Dad. I am starting a new tradition… not to save money but as my way to thank you for the way you chose to share being my mom and dad many years ago. I realize it was complicated for you as well as me. It still is. But it is our complication and I want you to know that it was worthwhile. Complication together is good!

 I love you both! By sharing my life I know that I am loved through all my messes and poor choices. Your life advice (almost) always amazes me. 

As I thought about my friends and classmates who have lost a parent or grandparents because of a family breakup, I realize now at sixteen that the additional gift that you provide every day is an understanding of who I am.

Mom, I like to believe that I I have your sense of humour and pure joyfulness for living life to its fullest. And dad, my hope is that in some small way I have some of your gentleness and generosity of spirit.

 I couldn’t imagine being who I am without both of you sharing my life!

Love William

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Note: William’s family made it together to a better place than many separating families.

Looking for more stories from separated families? Check out the Fathers and Mothers section of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.

Reflections on Remembrance Day, 2019

On By BarryIn Grandparent, Holidays

Thank you to the children and teachers of Smithson Junior Public School for a Remembrance Day to cherish.

Don Cherry’s ‘you people’ rant on Hockey Night in Canada unfortunately diverted attention from the growing support for our military, past and present.

I was a fortunate child and grandchild, for my gramps and dad survived war zone service in WW1 and World War11, respectively, and as such were integral to who I am today. Remembrance Day, for this writer, is always a melancholy journey, a mixture of gratefulness, pride and family renewal to be the best of them, in my own imperfect way.   

They rarely recounted stories of their military service and the horrors of Gallipoli or the fears and uncertainty from the almost daily, nighttime bombings of Great Britain. Upon their return, they took up day to day living, often in occupations that were taken out of necessity, in order to provide opportunity for their families.

Peace fought for and won with great cost would hopefully quiet their troubled memories of loss and personal trauma.

It was with these thoughts and seventy-five years of life behind me (thanks to my father’s survival) that I entered Smithson School at 10:15 on November 11th to be in the company of my seven year old granddaughter, Mollie. She was unaware that I was coming and as she looked about she spotted this grandpa and her face lit up with a smile almost too big for her face. I was reminded of my good fortune, luck, and fate to be in this place, at this time.

 I remembered my veteran dad and grandfather; and all the veterans who suffered losses for their family and unknown families from faraway places.

As the young children entered the assembly, parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren found each other in a similar fashion to Mollie. Some parents jumped to their feet and waved until I feared they would injure themselves. Almost in every case the children were more reserved because the Smithson teachers had prepared them for the solemnness of the ceremony.

I took in the scene-never completely turning my eyes from my granddaughter, in case she flashed her now toothless smile that melts my heart. I was again aware of the diversity, in every possible way, of the Smithson School community, and the blessing for parents and grandparents to have our children being raised in an environment of acceptance, tolerance, generosity and caring.

There were no ‘you people’ in this gathering!

 The formal program recognized and honoured loss, lessons were provided, and a hopeful, future path was offered to our children, grandchildren and the audience through readings, poems, songs and a children’s story. All done in a respectful, thoughtful and age appropriate way.

The Last Post was powerfully done by a Smithson teacher. Our children then exited calmly and quietly. Parents and grandparents behaved appropriately (not a certainty) following the Last Post and avoided the not so subtle ‘look’ or raising of a hand (quiet …please) by a Smithson teacher.

As I reflected on the occasion, I believe that I had witnessed in this small, urban school the best of the Canadian ideal. The Canadian experience has been and perhaps always be an imperfect journey; but these 45 minutes left me more hopeful for the future than when I entered.

I could hear my grandpa and dad by my side saying thank you Smithson community:  ‘YOU DID YOURSELVES PROUD! ‘

For more on remembrance and navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

Kids n Dad Shared Support has made it through our 12th year

On By BarryIn Holidays

A holiday message from December 2017

The move to our new location brought about significant downsizing and in doing so a 12-year journey down memory lane. Time and energy are no longer on my side, but I continue to have the passion to help children, parents and grandparents. I am now taking it year by year in the way that I try to bring about change to a system that lacks imagination in the way it supports separating families.

In the past year a local Family Court Justice described the social service system as broken. He could have included the judicial system as well. The ‘strange’ aspect of this headline in the Record was that no letter from the social services rebuked   his stark description and his comments were left standing. We are left with two options- agreement with his perspective or indifference from the silence of the social service and legal communities. The Justice went even further to suggest that the system is only going to get worse.  

I offer these two stories from our community to set up an essay written in October by one of our dads. Please take the time to read it through to the end and think about the consequences of a failing judicial and social service system as described by a local justice that drew zero public rebuke.

This essay was written by a dad who has been part of the Kids n Dad Shared Support family for almost 10 years: Letter to God from a proud father

A Personal Story:

In early October Elaine and I went to Banff for a conference that she was attending. Like my nostalgic journey from the Kids ‘n’ Dads move, the lead up to and the actual trip to Banff had a similar outcome. I was eleven years of age when I was last in Banff. The trip was the third successive, mega family holiday that my parents took us on before building a cottage on crown land. The first was to the Maritimes, the second to California and the third to western Canada. Limited vacation time demanded a driving schedule of 500 miles per day (no kms in those days) on indifferent two-lane highways. Washroom breaks only could be countenanced when the car required such.

My grandfather joined us on these family journeys and on the last trip to Western Canada my severely, mentally ill grandmother accompanied us. The hope being that a trip that saw us visit long, lost siblings would bring her some happiness and improvement. We were a 1950’s version of the first Grunewald’s summer vacation.

My father/ grandfather purchased a new, two tone Oldsmobile for the trip- every car was downhill for my dad after that. He died in the mid 1990’s driving a Kcar with only an AM radio.

My father purchased the newest movie camera to document our journey in 3-minute reels. The last minute was usually of his eyes as he fumbled his way to change the film. It became his trademark. He gave me his mechanical gift of ‘fumbling’.

The trip jarred me into remembering all the gifts of my parents that I underappreciated and undervalued forever (until now); yet in significant and small ways they became part of my parenting DNA. We teach our children even when we are just living life. We teach them even more in the way we handle life’s inevitable struggles. Occasionally our efforts are recognized, but more often they just become part of the journey- without an asterisk.

My childhood trips and the magnificence of my parents’ efforts to provide enrichment and imagination to their two sons’ lives became part of my return trip to Banff almost 60+ years later. On this trip I spent several hours by the Banff Springs Golf Club watching the extraordinary elk on the beautiful fairways with the magnificent mountains in the background. Time stood still as I journeyed my way through childhood to adulthood to parenthood to grandparenthood, with each stage of life connected by bonds of love and caring that give life purpose and meaning.

Below are parenting tips offered as ways to make it through the season.    

Holiday parenting tips

The following are guidelines for newly separating or changed families during this joyous but often difficult season.

  • Guard against any erratic behavior by yourself or your former partner. Your children need to be children- not spectators or referees.
  • Make sure that a parenting plan for the holidays is understood and followed. Few separated parents can negotiate on the fly. Given the preceding, try to be flexible at a time when spontaneity and children go together.
  • Reach out to friends or relatives and ask for their support. Many of us find ‘reaching out’ to be difficult. Be honest about what you need from your family and friends and don’t be afraid to ask for their support.
  • Focus on making your time with your children the best possible. Depending on the time and place of your family in the separation process, many children of all ages (toddlers to adults) are going to be struggling with two Christmas homes, divided families and loyalty tug-of- wars. It is a time to build a new normalcy and calm for everyone.
  • Don’t spend more than you can afford. Older children know your reality- younger children enjoy simpler things. Partner up with other family members for larger purchases.
  • Children from blended families notice disparity in gifts. Try to balance whenever possible.
  • Blended families may have to deal with disparity because the other parent has different means available to them i.e. no other children to buy for. While this is just life and difficult to control, parents need to be sensitive to the problem and try to work it through with the child if necessary.
  • Children are not the sole possessions of one parent or one side of the child’s extended family. A parent can be the best parenting model through their generosity of spirit.
  • If you have a new partner and family, enjoy and appreciate their gifts of love, support and family. Blend old and new Christmas traditions.

              Send your children to the other parent’s Christmas celebration with your love!

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

father lifts baby outdoors under blue sky

Father’s day 2017: “I can’t beat it!”

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Fathers, Holidays

Overcoming a tragedy of overwhelming loss is the theme of the 2016 Academy award nominated film Manchester by the Sea. It is a compelling story of a father and husband who lost everything a few years earlier and is paralyzed by grief that has become his unwanted companion every step of his daily life. The untimely death of his older brother provides an unexpected opportunity to move beyond his sorrow and find purpose in life again.

The film starkly reminds us that there are tragedies that are so overwhelming that recovery is forever elusive and life remains at best a dark shade of gray.

The father in a few simple words recognizes his now lost opportunity when he quietly states. “I can’t beat it.”

In the book 12 Years A Slave by Solomon Northrup published in 1853 the author touches the heart of every parent with his description of slavery’s hideous impact in the following excerpt:

 “Grief had gnawed remorselessly at her heart (mother-Liza), until her strength was gone; and for that, her last master (slave owner), it is said, lashed and abused her most unmercifully. But he could not whip back the departed vigor of her youth, nor straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when her children were around her, and the light of freedom was shining on her path.”

 Liza’s children were torn from her arms and sold separately to other slave owners. Liza understood the words ‘I can’t beat it!’

The film is a stark reminder of the loss experienced by too many separated fathers who must deal with such a parenting risk as Liza. It is now 20 years since the Parliament of Canada had the opportunity to establish a core principle in law that a mother and father are co-parenting partners; that maternal and paternal grandparents are equal partners in the lives of their grandchildren. 

Slavery is one of the most disturbing evils of humankind. Its cruelty and disregard for family is played out even in the ‘civilized’ process known as Family Court …every day with seeming impunity.

A Wisconsin separated mother who fought against her state’s presumption of shared parenting now admits her folly. “My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.” 

Integral – the completion of the whole – is the gift of the presumption of shared parenting.

An article in the Record this past year by Gordan Paul,  describes the 5 year, systemic journey of parents with the Family and Children’s Services. While the story lacks the family history, it outlines that the loss of their child appears to be based on an acknowledged erroneous drug test that triggered F&CS apprehension of their child. This family had now become unintended/intended (?) casualties of a failing system. 

 Justice Grant Campbell describes his findings in blunt terms to the parents of this 5 year old case: ‘‘although it will offer you little comfort, I apologize to you for the manner in which you have been treated, ignored, demeaned and disbelieved’.

 Justice Campbell is to be thanked for shining the light on this case, but where were the judges 5 years ago, 4 years ago, 3 years ago, etc.? It was in those years that the parents were ‘whipped unmercifully ’and robbed of their ‘departed vigor’.

 An interview of an Australian Family Law justice identifies an important failing in the Family Justice System and Child Welfare System.  Judges and child welfare don’t appear to be interested in knowing whether their intended outcome for cases before them turned out well or otherwise. They simply continue to believe what they believe. A case is closed and the intended outcome may or may not be achieved.

 Justice Campbell states explicitly that the patchwork child welfare system is ‘broken’. He also states that the future is only going to get worse in Waterloo Region and across the province. These are his observations, not this ‘biased’ observer.

Many separated parents/grandparents remember those weeks, months, and years where they were unable to ‘straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when the children were around them’. Fond memories provide only momentary relief as they soon turn to tears of loss- wonderful moments can become the enemy.

Justice Campbell has provided an opportunity for those in Child Welfare and the Family Justice System to change a process that he and others have described as ‘unworkable ‘and ‘abusive’. The shame is that there has been no professional, public response to this case.

The following is a second excerpt from Twelve Years a Slave. 

 “The influence of the iniquitous system necessarily fosters an uncaring and unfeeling spirit, even in the bosoms of those who, among their equals, are regarded as humane and generous.”

“I can’t beat it!” – These are the words of parents worn out by a system that runs the clock until exhaustion and survival is all that is left.

 Providing support too late in the separating  process for vulnerable and wounded children, mothers, fathers and grandparents leaves too many ‘Lizas’ broken for the remainder of their life journey.

Silence sustains and protects the ‘system’. Defensiveness and denial maintain the unacceptable status quo. Transparency could provide sunlight and thus the opportunity to find creative solutions!

Father’s Day provides a timely excuse to examine whether fathers and paternal grandparents are recognized as an integral part of their child’s life, every day contributing to the completing of the whole child.

If the iniquitous system continues then the hand in hand connection of child to father to grandfather may be broken forever. I am reminded every day of that possibility when I am with my grandchildren. I understand Liza’s agony and the words, ‘I can’t beat it!’

Father’s Day is also grandfather’s day and a celebration of love forever, through whatever.

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

This is my son’s first Father’s Day and my first as a grandfather to Timothy. It is a fulfilling experience to see my son’s life filled with the love, joy, meaning and even trepidation on becoming dad. Welcome to our world son…forever!

Oh, For the Gift Again of a Little Summer Adventure on Father’s/Grandfather’s Day!

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

It was Monday morning and I had decided to go to our office early. At mid-morning I spoke by phone to my daughter who informed me that she was going to take her youngest children to her mother’s cottage. She wondered if I wanted to see the two boys, then 18 months and nearly three, before they departed.

The oldest child upon my arrival moved quickly to get his sandals in anticipation of an adventure. The youngest was quietly observing his brother; soon his tears demanded that he be included in the outing. He did not need to worry!

Our little adventure was to return to what I have designated as our Park; a place for this writer of so many fond memories as a father and grandfather. Today my adult kids are more likely to fire off a gentle, verbal dig by reminding their dad of their childhood pleas: “We are too old for the swings and those animals have had better days”.

 The words ‘better days’ hurt the most as I reflected that like the park’s black bear of olden days, I too have seen better days.

As I set out, I realized that I am a fortunate grandpa to have a new, eager, ‘more grateful generation’ of children to mould to the joys of our family Park. So off we went with the oldest grandson identifying every farm and construction vehicle ever built by John Deere and Caterpillar. His little brother squealed and hummed to a selection of Itsy, Bitsy Spider.

We soon arrived at our destination and the ducks surrounded our car, impatiently awaiting grandpa’s liberation of their young friends from the shackles of car seats.

It was a beautiful morning, perfect temperature, and our Park was alive, as a gentle breeze spread the joyful and boisterous sounds of children, parents and grandparents creating new memories.

My oldest grandchild scurried down the winding path toward the peacocks and their rooster friends. He found them sunning themselves and preparing to entertain their little admirers. But for us this is a momentary stop along the way to our primary target, feeding the deer and the llama. What the heck is the plural for llama anyway? My oldest grandson knew the routine well. He tore at the longer strands of grass and carefully positioned each so the llama (?) that he calls camels would be satisfied.

The feeding exercise is always a little unnerving, even for an experienced grandpa. My daughter- for an unintended outcome- could revoke my day pass with the little ones i.e., animal teeth marks on my grandson’s feeding hand would likely lead to a cancellation of future outings.

 Mothers can be terribly protective!

These outings have a certain rhythm. Our yellow brick path always includes visiting our different friends- the miniature horses, goats and of course the fishpond. The return of the piglets this day provided an additional, scented delight as our path soon turned in front of the well-stocked, mini pond and waterfall.

Soon it was time to retrace our steps with warm farewells to each of our animal friends. I was in particularly good spirits because we had escaped a reprimand from the young park staff for feeding the llama/camels. In the past if the staff catches us, I always point at my young companion with the grass/feed in his hand as the culprit. They are rarely persuaded though and are intent on holding the gray-haired kid responsible. I suspect they figured out that I am the only kid old enough to read the posted signs.

                              DON’T FEED THE LLAMA

                           sometimes known as CAMELS.

To celebrate a joyful outing, I decided that ice cream was a necessary reward. We soon became three spoons competing selfishly for more than our share of a giant mound of vanilla ice cream. Finding the target for each spoonful seemed less important to the combatants than securing the biggest payload. Soon the giant mound was reduced to a few melted drops to be licked from the container. I leave the rest to your imagination.

It was time for the short trip home. As I secured the little ones into their seats, I remembered being so grateful for such a joyful experience, a gift that was not a certainty in our family’s life.

I was reminded of that truth as I initiated our departure toward our Park’s ring road. Passing in front of me were two, old friends. They are wonderful and loving parents and grandparents; yet they were pushed aside- made invisible grandparents by the family, separating process in this country.

The riches of my day embarrassed me at that moment.

As we approached the children’s home, I remembered wavering on whether to reveal that illegal, pre-lunch, celebratory ice cream thing to my daughter.  I realized that secrecy was unavailable when I spotted grandpa’s post ice cream cleanup had failed miserably.

The children ran to their mom’s open arms with wide smiles and evidence on their jerseys of their outing with grandpa. I knew from my daughter’s half smile that she was recalling her childhood outings many years earlier to our same family Park …and that vanilla ice cream was occasionally… well o.k. always dad’s way to conclude a wonderful adventure.

Father’s Day is about celebrating a dad’s love for their child and their child’s child which endures forever in every family form. That love should be cherished and valued every day. That is the only gift desired by the dads who have been inspirational in my life.

Have a joyful Father’s Day!

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays. For grandparent specific resources, see all blog posts with the grandparents tag.