Resources for Every Separation Stage

We recognize that individuals and families will come to this site at different stages of the family separation and renewal journey. Each stage has its own challenges to navigate, and we hope that the resources that follow will support you and your family in your journey towards healing and renewal.

I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this website.  I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren.  I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way.  There was such a defining crisis.  I always thought – hang in.  Be “relentless” in a patient way. 

– Barry Lillie, Kids ‘n’ Dad founder

Where are you in the separation process?

Woman in White Dress Shirt and Black Skirt Sitting on Gray Couch

The Messy Emotions of Separation

The end of an intimate relationship is often messy. The end of an intimate relationship with children is messy and complicated at best, gut wrenching and destructive at worst.

Separation may happen for any number of reasons. It may be triggered by a single, precipitating event or follow a longer period of co-habiting without intimacy. Most often, signs have likely been available for some time about one or both party’s unhappiness. Sometimes, this lack of togetherness has been masked by busyness at work or through a focus on the children’s activities. One or both parents may have found it convenient to deny the reality of their distancing intimacy. Resentments and distrust may have clouded communication. Emotions may be running high.

For these reasons, partners may not agree that separation is needed. If both partners are uncertain about separation, it may be possible to strengthen the relationship with the help of professional services. However, if one partner is very comfortable that separating is the right decision, that must be accepted. If getting past the choice to separate by the other parent is too difficult or blocking your way to compromise or personal recovery, you need to seek professional support. Accepting the need for separation is essential in order to begin planning for how your family can plan together for a future apart.

Upset black couple sitting apart at home

Planning Together

This is a time of facing a number of difficult conversations—with each other, with the children, and with friends and family. While these are challenging times, you can still help yourself and your family through them by preparing when possible for the changes ahead. We at Kids ‘n’ Dad believe that family renewal is possible following separation. Beginning separation with these tools in mind can help your family through present obstacles into a more sustainable future.

Points to Consider

  1. Don’t put off a conversation about your intimate relationship. Many couples have been sleeping alone upstairs/downstairs for months. This arrangement can bring changes over time, and it is important to acknowledge the difficult emotions that may accompany such a change.
  2. Make time to have difficult conversations when emotions are not already elevated. Separating needs to be done by agreement, not following a heated argument that can have lasting, negative outcomes.
  3. Preferably, neither parent should leave the family home without having first negotiated and signed off on a basic, interim parenting plan.
  4. It is important for parents to explain the separation to the children in an age appropriate way in order to let them know what is taking place and to answer their questions. Planning is required for these conversations, and we encourage parents to use the resources provided on this site to prepare for a family meeting.
  5. There needs to be no rush to finalize anything! An interim parenting plan may provide some breathing room. An interim parenting plan is not a comprehensive separation agreement, and it can help to identify any problems that may surface that have not yet been considered. The principles of the agreement and the ultimate goals should govern these concerns.
  6. It is important to remember that children need their parents to be a model of civility. Separation triggers uncertainty, doubts, and questions in children and parents alike. Know that your children are sensitive your emotional state, and let them know that they are welcome to bring their emotions and concerns to you in a safe space.
  7. Remember the common parental fear of losing your child in the separating process. A small success leads to further successes. Can you both attend school or extracurricular activities? Can you communicate about your children’s medical needs? Can you make the occasional parenting switch to deal with life? This immediate transition period is about rebuilding parenting trust at a time when relationship trust has been damaged.

Photo Of Man Carrying Baby

Co-Parenting Skills

Separation and co-parenting requires each parent to expand their existing parenting skill set. Prior to separation, parents have the option of deferring to each other’s skills and strengths. However, separation requires that each parent be comfortable managing all tasks of day-to-day parenting.

Each parent must consider which tasks their partner oversaw prior to separation and take time to develop those skills themselves. This is not to usurp the other parent, but to ensure that each parent feels confident and competent in their separated, co-parenting roles. This process may require hard work on each parent’s part, but it is necessary and rewarding. Those parenting strengths that you observed in the other parent—whether it be meal preparation, patience, or physical affection—can become part of your parenting DNA.

Person Holding Hands

Building Co-Parenting Trust

Separation is emotionally charged, and more often than not, co-parenting during separation triggers difficult emotions for both parents. Parents may feel defensive or suspicious of each other as a result of past and current tensions. Parents may also be fearful of losing their relationship with their children and feel a sense of jealousy or competition about their child’s relationship with the other parent.

Being aware of your emotional state is important for effective co-parenting and building trust with the other parent. If negative emotions are left unchecked, they will be unconsciously communicated to the children as negative messages about the other parent. These negative messages can be damaging to the parent-child relationship by souring transitions from one home to another. Research suggests that children of divorce often feel that they don’t belong in either home over time. Because of the damaged caused, it is important to recognize these negative messages as abusive behavior directed at both the other parent and the children.

To have the best opportunity for parenting success, children must know that they are wanted in each parent’s home. This requires the endorsement of each parent by the other parent. To avoid having children feel they are out of place in either home, co-parents must strive to build inclusive family relationships. Inclusiveness required balanced, trusting parent-child relationships, free from smothering or needy or negative demands from either parent. Renewal is built from recognizing both parents’ love for their child and the complementary strengths of each parent.

Iphone on Notebook

I often in my own life was bogged down by the chaos and uncertainty of the separating process and failed to focus on the opportunity and legitimacy of my new family as a single dad and later in a blended family.

– Barry Lillie, Kids ‘n’ Dad founder

Creating Stability

Building trust and stability in the co-parenting arrangement can be made easier by maintaining schedules and minimizing potential irritants when children are transitioning from one home to another. This may include arranging shared electronic calendars of the children’s events and establishing strategies to avoid concerns about clothing and toys left at the other parents’ home. Parents should arrange for any difficult communications to occur separately from the pick-up/drop-off routines to avoid having those communications interfere with meaningful parent-child reconnection.

Regular, clear communication and planning is also important for creating long-term stability for your children during the separation process. A scheduled bi-weekly conversation during the early months is advisable, though it may eventually become a monthly routine. Following a parental conversation, the parents could decide to seek out their child’s input about any modifications to plans and routines. Changes should be only about scheduling needs, not about changing the balance of time the child has with each parent. The latter could seriously breech parenting trust.

It is important to also maintain stability in the children’s responsibilities and expectations. There is a risk that the responsibilities assigned pre-separation are abandoned in one or both homes during separation. That is not unusual, but unfortunate. The fear of alienating your child through enforcement of such things as chores is common for many families. While it is common to feel like you are in competition with the other parent and in jeopardy of losing your relationship to your child, acting on these fears leads to ineffective parenting. Parents need recognize these fears within themselves and set them aside in order to come together through co-parenting conversations about responsibilities and discipline.

Related Posts:

Further Resources:

Photography of Girl Riding Bike Beside Man

Separate Lives, Shared Goals

Co-parenting after separation means that both parents will find themselves moving forward with separate lives, yet also connected by the responsibilities and rewards of  co-parenting. Though your roles as intimate partners has ended, parenting is forever. You will both continue to share goals for your children’s growth and development.

It is important to remember that you will both continue to have significant roles even as your children grow into adulthood. As you continue to provide support as a parents and grandparents, keep in mind that adult children of separation still need the benefit of your experience and judgment, still need questions to be answered, still need unconditional love and support. These needs must be considered as you navigate your way into a future of shared goals across separate lives.

What happens to your children in the long run is not governed by events at the break up but by what occurs through time in the post divorce and remarried family. 

Judith Wallenstein, divorce scholar
Photography of Couple Holding Hands

Starting New Relationships

After separation, one or both parents might find themselves wondering about when and how to explore new romantic relationships. For many separating parents, there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. Our self-image may have also taken a beating during the separation process. As such, there is often a personal need to find someone to care for who reaffirms our value as a loving person.

Research informs us that in general men begin dating sooner than women following a separation. There is a negative explanation asserted that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’. The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. One reason appears to be that fathers more often live outside the matrimonial home without their children. This same study also suggests that the intact family has been the main source of support for fathers and separation presents them with a double loss. For these reasons, the appeal of dating is understandable.

However, dating while co-parenting after separation is not without its challenges. It is important to recognize that the beginning of dating is a statement to your children and former partner that a return to the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement, intended or otherwise, that you are moving forward in this area of life.

Family Of Four Walking At The Street

Blended Families

Dating also brings with it the possibility of building a blended family. Many of us who enter new intimate relationships may have no experience or understanding of this ‘complicated’ family form. Bringing two families together involves recognizing and respecting the individual histories, traditions, and connections of each family while also committing to working towards a shared future. Parents and children alike come into the blended family with their own hopes, concerns, and biases, and it is important to recognize and respect these individual circumstances from the beginning.

On this website, you will find more information about long-term co-parenting, new intimate relationships, and blended families. We hope that our experiences and insights will help you and your separated family as you move forward—separate, but connected.

Related Posts:

Further Resources: