Every child is unique and so are their needs during a family breakup!

Without getting into the more complex part of your child’s make-up, the obvious factors at the time of separation are the child’s age and gender identity.

Other factors may be of more importance:

1. The existing relationship each parent has with their child.
2. The degree of turmoil prior to the parents’ separating and the duration of that turmoil.
3. The trigger for the separation is often a trigger for a pre-teen or adolescent.
4. Often one parent in an unhappy marriage has separated themselves from their spouse for some time within the intact marriage. The family has had fewer positive times together.
5. A parent may have lost track of their child (ren) in the lead up to the separation e.g. not attending extra-curricular or school events.
6. Non- diagnosed or unattended or misunderstood signs of depression may have isolated one or both parents from the children.

The above factors present a problem for each parent.

 A critical factor is that many mothers may see themselves as the primary parent with the temperament, skills and on the job parenting experience. This is especially true for mothers with young children.

Few fathers take paternity leave to the same extent as mothers. Each family sorts out their parenting role within the intact family. Shared, equal parenting is getting closer for the modern family; but in the world of separation the perception is often found through a mother’s eyes.

A mother has a difficult choice depending on her view of the parenting world for her family. Does she believe that her child’s father is an integral part of their child’s healthy development at every stage of childhood, even in a two home, changed family?

 This question needs to be asked of every mother at the time of separation. It is the question that must be on the table prior to or at the time of separation.

Remember that the research suggests strongly that shared parenting that comes close to a minimum 40% parenting time optimizes best outcomes for a child. It is the pillar that builds strong, cooperation between the parents by maintaining supportive, involved parenting by both parents, within a safe and secure family setting.

Many separating fathers face their own dilemma. Some dads have been involved parents, fully sharing in their parenting role. Other dads, because of the nature of their employment, begin their day early in the morning or complete their work day at unpredictable times. Other fathers simply have taken the lead of their partner (mother) in the parenting role that they played in the intact family.

I believe that the role a dad played prior to the separation has limited relevance to the post-separation role of shared parenting. Unless the father has been an absentee parent or has little interest in being a shared parent, he can acquire the parenting skills to be an effective parent.

There are many parenting programs for fathers and mothers to be effective parents in an intact family or in a two home family.

Separated parents must recognize that everything changes i.e. every parenting relationship and to be honest every significant, family relationship. Your parenting life is incredibly complicated and for many dads, it is often even more complicated. There is often doubt in the social service network in your skill set and/or temperament to be a co- parent to your child.

This is especially a factor if your current parenting role is challenged; or if you are creating a changed parenting role given the changed circumstances.

Children are faced with uncertainty once the separation is confirmed to them. Many parents fail to have this conversation with an agreed to, no-fault explanation. I suggest that you compile an anticipated list of questions. These questions are likely different for each child and for each gender. Remember the children’s questions may seem off the wall, selfish and even judgmental. In doing this exercise and engaging in this necessary conversation with the children, problems can be identified that may change the details of your parenting plan, currently a work in progress.

In our section on telling the children, it is possible that the outcome is silence, tears, reflection, anger, etc. Age and gender may play a role in the child’s reaction or non-reaction. Each parent’s emotional state may also influence the reaction. This can be for a child a very isolating and lonely time. A time of embarrassment and failure.

I remember that my feelings were that I was a failure as an intimate partner, as a father and aa a provider. Many children wonder if their last failure to do what they were told or their teen rebellion were responsible for the family breakup.

Included are supplementary readings on children’s developmental stages, etc., to help understand children’s differing reactions.

Mental Health Concerns for Children

Studies indicate that children from separated families experience mental health issues at approximately 3 times the incidence rate within intact families. It is further evidence that parents must recognize the risk to their children of all ages. Separating/separated families have a greater responsibility to make parenting plans that maintain or restore calm and predictability to their children’s lives within a two- parent framework.

One constant in most children’s lives is the school. It may begin at the toddler stage (daycare) or the formal beginning of school. Teachers in your child’s life have more direct contact + observation time with your child than most parents. They can be a significant other, providing a window into your child’s life; i.e. making/losing friends, changes in behavior; isolating, bully or victim, sadness, etc.

Teachers, coaches and other care providers should be informed of the changes taking place in your home. Set up a regular opportunity for information sharing re: your child and confer with other possible sources of support within the school or community.

Privacy or our own embarrassment may paralyze us from doing what is in the best interests of our child. The truth is that taking the recommended steps is in your best interests as a caring parent.

 A separated parent must work even harder than parents in an intact family. Our time with our child is significantly less for any number of reasons i.e. 40-60% parenting time; work longer out of financial need; travel time with children; rebuilding your own life as an individual; etc.

Children need their parents on their schedule, not ours. In an intact family that need is met by mom or dad. In the separated family the available parent is unlikely to encourage the child to phone the missing parent; nor are they likely to tell that parent later that their child reached out to them.