Category: Open Letter

A second open letter to parents beginning a complicated blended family

On By BarryIn After Separation, Open Letter

A great deal is written about blended families. I often employ the adjective ‘complicated’ to understand the creation and early journey of this new family – almost always founded from loss and hope.

Many of you may be wondering why I keep emphasizing ‘complicated’?

Take a moment and consider all the relationships that are likely affected. The decision to marry for the first time was straightforward- a decision almost totally based on the relationship between the intimate partners. Concern about the impact on others is rarely at the forefront.

 Many of us who enter new intimate relationships may have no experience or understanding of this ‘complicated’ family form. The breakdown of our marriage, especially one with children, often scared us initially from ever entering another committed relationship. In addition, the high breakdown rate warns us that there are inherent risks that come with new, complicated families. The phrase ‘eyes wide open’ captures the best counsel that can be given.

The quotations offered by Ms. Coloroso provide an important perspective; namely, that every family form is legitimate and has similar aspirations. Consider her excerpt. A theme of the FRRP is about focusing on today and future days, weeks, months and years.

 Each new day going forward is an opportunity for your children and you.

“I often in my own life was bogged down by the chaos and uncertainty of the separating process and failed to focus on the opportunity and legitimacy of my new family as a single dad and later in a blended family.” – Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad  

An example: My blended family

Below is an outline of my new, complicated family, designed to provide a real-life example of the complicated nature of new families.

  • My family of origin was relatively uncomplicated i.e. parents who remained together and an older brother.
  • The family of origin that was created by my marriage included three children, two who were adopted as infants. The complications began with the breakdown of my intimate relationship with children.
  • My oldest daughter and son in law separated- their only daughter was just starting school. My ex-wife and I had separated 9 years earlier and had since remarried.
  •  There were two stepchildren in my daughters’ mother’s remarriage.
  • Of course, there were numerous other extended family relationships through our remarriages. Two of my adolescent children lived mainly with their mother initially and thus with their stepbrother and stepsister. My oldest daughter lived with me mostly. The separation had split the children’s homes, but her mother’s stepchildren were also my oldest daughter’s stepbrother and sister.
  • My daughter had been adopted at two months of age. She had met her biological mother in early adulthood and established a caring relationship with her and a relationship with her birth mother’s family.
  • My granddaughter now had three sets of grandparents in the area and a grandmother (her mother’s biological mother).
  • My daughter remarried and became an everyday parent to a stepson. The two oldest kids had to figure out the new home, the new parent and new grandparents etc. while trying to understand what was happening again to their lives.
  • My daughter and new son-in-law, in time, had two children.
  • My son in law’s parents had separated when he was at a very young age, and he had been raised with his brother by his mother and his stepdad. Because of his young age at the time of the separation, the stepfather was the day-to-day, other parent. His father lived across the country but remained supportive and connected.
  • The birth father became more connected to his sons following the loss of their mother. He was remarried and had partnered in raising two stepchildren. We now have the entry of the original three sets of grandparents. including two step grandparents; a birth grandmother, a step grandmother and grandfather, a grandfather; my daughter’s stepson also has a birth mother and new family with several children and grandparents- I count 6 sets or solo grandparents in his life.
  • TAKE A MOMENT AND DO YOUR OWN FAMILY FLOW CHART! WHAT ARE THE IMPACTFUL RELATIONSHIPS? Etc.

Observation: In its complicated way, it works like any other family!

 It is worthy of a flow chart; but the danger at printing one is that it would soon be out of date. Obviously, within these relationships some are more intimate/significant than others.

 The intimacy of the relationship may vary with each individual and come from surprising sources.

 A simple point: New ‘second’, ‘subsequent’ ‘blended’ families are very ‘COMPLICATED’ and it is easy enough for a child or parent or stepparent to feel ignored, abandoned, angry, deprived, etc. It is like a work in progress.

Parenting, in these families begins usually with little, joint history, is challenging and our mission to try and ensure our children feel that they belong i.e. feel included in each home and each family demands understanding. Just think for a moment about an 8-year child, who spends 4 nights every 14 days in her dad’s home with his new partner and her three children.

 How does this child feel included and not simply a visitor in their other home?

I recommend that you read a Globe and Mail article: After my parents divorced… and listen to this young woman give voice to her feelings. Our focus must be on creating smooth transition to new families- single or blended/complicated. Our obligation is to create a process and network of support services to successfully accomplish this transition.

Generally, the relationships that are of greatest consequence are between the members of the immediate, blended family and the other immediate family that share some daily, parenting partnership. The parents and stepparents set the tone and determine if their children are going to feel accepted/included in both homes.

Common Issues

Since it is almost impossibleto examineevery complicated relationship without giving both of us a headache, the next section will focus on hopefully the larger issues that help your new intimate relationship build an inclusive family.

“Remarriage is an art. It requires more self-understanding than most relationships, as well as insight into the past that keeps an eye on the future.”

– Benjamin Schlesinger, social work professor

Included in the resources is an essay about my new, complicated family and our journey and the changing face of Christmas.

As a separated dad, I admit being a slow learner for I had not yet read Coloroso’s wise words about the legitimacy of my new family. The more I read on this topic, the wiser I am (hopefully).

The start of my new, complicated family was born ‘from unsettled loss, chaos and hope’. It was not an ideal way to start. I had three children in late teens and early 20’s. My new partner had no children, and this was her first marriage. It was just short of three years after the separation. As blended families go it was relatively ‘simple’.

Unsettled loss and chaos can quickly challenge/test that hope thing!

Every relationship that I had with my children felt as if it was at risk at the time of our actual marriage (my second/her first). My oldest daughter had just re-engaged with us; my youngest daughter was vulnerable; and my son (oldest) was navigating his way through complicated feelings toward each parent – he failed to attend the actual wedding ceremony.

This brings about a major complication i.e. feelings of the stepparent to the other parent’s children. As stated, my new wife had no children; therefore, I had no step parenting adjustment to make. I only had an expectation that my children were now her children as well, and that love for them was the ‘natural outcome’. It was supposed to be like my experience at adopting my infant son and daughter at two months of age i.e. immediate and breathtaking.

My expectations were unrealistic for my new partner and for my children.

Step parenting from the ashes of loss and chaos or through continuing loss and chaos is a long journey and requires more experiences between the new parenting/human relationships. Recognizing this reality can lead to developing strategies/opportunities to take steps toward each other. Failing to do so can lead to difficult relationship problems.

 Remember the earlier article where the young woman never felt at home in either home. She was in limbo- a too common experience for children from a separated family.

The new, intimate relationship may be challenged when the new parent’s relationship with the stepchildren remains at arm’s length. For the new stepparent, the sense of being judged for their honest feelings can be difficult to accept, especially in ‘their own home’. It is a potentially toxic issue.

Fathers are more likely to be living with stepchildren full-time and their ‘biological’ children part-time. This leads to more pressure on the dad and by the dad to make his parenting time successful in every opportunity. It applies pressure on the new intimate partner to make each parenting occasion a success- actually perfect. It is a difficult way to begin or live in a new relationship.

The step parenting role has many voices (besides mine) that assert boldly ‘rules’ that should be followed to be ‘successful’. One rule limits the stepparent’s role in disciplining a stepchild in the new home-even when they may discipline the child in the same way they would discipline their birth child in their home.

Our experience with KND families dealing with counselling or assessments by F&CS or the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) suggest an unrecognized bias that maintains myths about these families that can smother caring parenting within the complicated family. These bodies may be geared to make reports/recommendations that accommodate the prevailing approach of the courts over what is best for the child and family in the longer term i.e. a lifetime.

 New partner families, where a dad has reduced parenting time, face professional obstacles based not on research findings.

A small Australian report found that most judges do not know whether their decisions produced beneficial outcomes for children and families. Instead, we are stuck with the courts and their related advisors doing the same things that most families agree create additional obstacles for blended, complicated families.

There are a lot of different messages/concerns in this common advice. Consider with your new partner on how you would handle this common situation? How would you feel about two sets of parenting strategies? How would each child feel? Can you build an inclusive home with two different set of expectations every 4-5 days out of 14? How serious a problem to your relationship is this situation? Do you feel that your relationship as the biological parent or stepparent is at risk?

These needed conversations can help you find a framework for future parenting and the myriads of situations. My advice is that there may be situations where you may accept (both parties) solutions that may be less than perfect.

A common situation could centre on parents’ night at the stepchild’s school. The stepparent decides not to attend i.e. the child’s other parent will be there-a mom or dad- and the choice made is based on the hassle for everyone. Does this decision make sense? Is the stepparent recognizing a reasonable boundary or ‘voluntarily’ pushing their self off the end of the parenting bench? Should the child’s ‘natural’ parent accept the decision or do everything possible to insist that their partner play a full role in the child’s life i.e. actively demonstrate their full participation in their stepchild’s life?

 How many similar situations face a stepparent e.g. Xmas concerts, children’s activities, medical concerns, etc. What are the consequences of avoiding similar settings?

My wife and I often faced similar decisions in our complicated family with my almost adult children. It was difficult for us to navigate. Eventually, we had to decide to find a balance for what we did, without making it a negative step for ‘building’ relationships between children and their new, ‘other’ family. The outcome (building or not) has consequences for the children’s children as well. It is a critical issue and requires an open conversation between new partners.

I am not a big believer that decisions are either right or wrong. I do know that blended families with unending complicated relationships need to find a process to make comfortable decisions intended to strengthen their belief in each other, as a partner and co-parents.

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

Consider question for for separating parents and now for complicated families – do your choices move you to a more inclusive set of family relationships or creates more obstacles to inclusiveness?

For more on this topic, see the Resource Hub. A few relevant articles:

An Open Letter to Separating Parents re: Child Parenting Arrangements

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

In our You’re Still Dad support group parents often spoke about the issue re: joint custody vs. sole custody. Our experience after almost twenty years working with newly separating parents suggests that the risk to the non-sole custody parent’s relationship with their child is significantly endangered in a sole custody arrangement.

Occasionally sole custody may be the ‘inevitable’ outcome given certain parenting histories; but it should be the exception whenever possible.

There are approaches known as parallel parenting that provide protection for either parent from possible high conflict. These plans attempt to identify parenting situations (hopefully) that could lead to conflict.  (See Resources on Parallel Parenting)

Preventive measures may be necessary until the parents find a calmer place.  In the recommended resource for before and during separation, there is a document detailing situations that may need a focused remedy.

Separated parents often look back after a few years separated and realize that they were driven by anger and revenge, based on their own vulnerability.

Advocates for sole custody desire a parenting plan agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and thus each parent would be held accountable for what they signed i.e. the parenting plan. The parents will not argue because decision-making is in one parent’s hands. A parallel parenting agreement can be similar, except for the decision-making protocol.

The above sounds fine in theory; however, the reality on the ground is often vastly different.

On sole custody

Our experience with sole custody suggests that the parent with sole custody believe that they are the parent in control given their power to make parenting decisions for all matters not set out in the parenting plan. The sole custody parent may find certain parenting obligations to be ‘inconvenient ‘and often desire more flexibility as life transitions in many ways e.g. a new partner.

Sole custody is often viewed as a blank check and the other parent may be left facing a decision of returning to court to enforce an agreement from an already weakened parent/child relationship.

While it is often the father and the father-child relationship that is endangered, it is the core position of the our work that the mother’s relationship is also at risk over time, as noted from a reading of two attached case resources. It is also a core contention that parents want the best for their children over the long term and are more than capable of loving their child more than they are angry with their former, intimate partner.

Joint/Shared custody provides a backstop to erratic, punitive behavior. It makes it more difficult for a parent to break the parenting plan terms with near impunity. Shared custody arrangements that are agreed to set a foundation willingly/voluntarily for the long-term parenting relationship.

 A recommended document, Child Custody, Access, and Parental Responsibility (Executive Summary) summarizes the research on the joint custody vs. sole custody debate and positive outcomes vs. negative outcomes for families.

The author, Edward Kruk U. of B.C. has been an effective advocate for joint custody based on the findings of research that he provides. At the core, his interpretation of the research matches up with any parent’s common sense; namely, that the positive involvement, support and love of each parent and extended family offers every child the best opportunity to navigate life’s challenges following a family breakdown.

The following is a blend of Dr. Kruk’s research compilation, Alberta’s Parenting After Separation and the decade of work by Kids n Dad Shared Support. It is offered as support for separating parents who want the best outcomes for their children.

Highlights

  1. Currently, advocates often frame parenting after a separation as a conflict over mother’s rights vs. father’s rights and the core support for each side are feminists and father’s groups. The rhetoric is often harsh and self-serving and leads us down a path nowhere near meeting the needs of their child (ren). Equally disturbing, this approach can lead professionals working with families down a path about choosing one parent over the other parent.

This is a choice that was never considered when just days before separating the parents were cooperating, parenting partners and each child had two loving parents in their life. The week or even the day before deciding to separate each parent likely had no problem with leaving the child (ren) in the care of the child’s other parent.

  • ‘Research is clear that children fare best in their post separation life when they maintain meaningful, routine parental relationships with both of their parents beyond the constraints of a “visiting” or  “access” relationship…’

The research also finds that such relationships a) protect children from negative parental conflict; b) provide stable financial support;

  • What is shared or joint custody parenting time?

The mere fact that this is a question under debate seems somewhat bizarre. After all the children are the parents’ children, not the Court’s property to pontificate over. The state should have some influence on ensuring the parents take their responsibility in a serious way and understand the implications for their children. The child’s view of the world should be understood and considered. Understanding the child’s concerns/wishes provide a basis for the parents’ decision-making.

The above is stated within the framework that is advocated by others including Dr. Kruk. His research endorses a legal shared responsibility presumption of at least 40% time with each parent. This would only be rebuttable/altered in the case of proven child abuse or domestic violence. Child Abuse and domestic violence would be considered separately.

 It is important to note that 40-45% of first-time abuse occurs after a separation in families with no previous history of such abuse. This suggests that the current path for separating fails separating families. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse in the post –separated family is committed at similar rates by both parents.

               ‘Recent research finds that inter-parental conflict decreases within shared parenting.’

                Each parent has a stake in modelling civilized, cooperative relationship with the other parent.

               The 40% parenting time presumption is a set as a minimum parenting time for each parent.

  • How do children do in joint custody arrangements?” …children in joint custody arrangements fare significantly better on all adjustment measures than children who live in sole custody arrangements.” (Bauserman 2002) Study after study supports this finding and research informs us that a missing or minimal fathering role leads to significantly worse adjustment measures for children from separated families.

N.B. These are findings from research done from substantial populations. There are many children from separated, sole parent families that do journey through childhood/adolescence successfully.

Inter-parental cooperation increases over time in shared parenting arrangements! In our work with over 600 clients the ‘great fear’ is the loss of their involvement as a parent with their child. Every parent, moms, and dads have this same fear. For dads it is often more real, more in their face all the time. If the separated parents manage to navigate their way through the anger and risks that often follow, they often settle into a more comfortable relationship.

The ‘great fear’ is reduced and the partner that we did not trust earlier can be trusted now. Why? Because they want the best for their child. Your parenting goals are now in sync.

The 40% parenting presumption offers parental respect for the other parent and their importance and their extended family’ importance in the child’s live.

 Consider for a moment what message the current process delivers to one parent. Their struggle is to get one more overnight, one more long weekend, a birthday with their child on their actual birthday, a sense that they matter as a respected parent, etc.;

  • Changing workplace participation has resulted in shared parenting roles in the intact family. Most separated parents believe in a form of ‘joint custody’. This demonstrates a general recognition that the parents need each other to effectively parent their children to meet the responsibilities of career and parenthood.

There is unfortunately a caveat to the ‘joint custody’ application to parenting plans. The current reality in Canada is that contested cases predominantly end with a form of sole custody. In addition, ‘joint custody’ on the ground reality is that one parent, usually the mother, often end with that parent becoming a de factor sole custody overtime.

Any combination of factors may contribute to this outcome, but at its core is the fact that the parent with the dominant parenting time  feels entitled to exercise more control and the ‘other parent with less time (3-4 overnights in a 14 day cycle) feels less connected and less important in their child’s life. The ‘other’ parent must often work extremely hard to meet their parenting role as their life moves on to a new family (blended family) or what we call a complicated family. For the ‘other’ parent’ and their child ‘fitting’ into the minority access parent’s home is complex and difficult.

Joint custody as practiced in Canada disappointingly often becomes another form of sole custody over time. The unequal/ reduced parenting time impacts each parent and states to the child and others in the family circle that the ‘other’ parent is somehow lesser and/or at fault for what has happened.  The best option of shared parenting has often been negated with the first stroke of a parenting agreement that sets out a disparity in parenting time.

Therefore, the minimum of 40% parenting time is considered to be the ‘best’ foundation for ensuring two parents and two extended family’s participation in each child’s daily life.

Comments

This web site is designed to promote best practices for separated families by setting out the rights and responsibilities of parents. Our purpose is not to recommend an approach that is likely to fail parents, children and grandchildren.

The presumption of 40% parenting time for each parent with their child and for the child with each parent provides the best framework to achieve effective, shared parenting and meet the needs and desires of most children when their parents have decided to separate.

The parents would negotiate the remaining parenting time based on what makes sense for the changing family. The advantage of the 40% presumption is the ‘trust’ factor that emerges. A parent is more likely to be ‘flexible’ at meeting the child’s and other parent’s ever-changing schedules.

Parenting plans can basically be what the parents decide. Tools in the Resource Hub lay out several considerations. The resources include the research supporting our advocacy for the 40% minimum. Listen to the voices provided by children, parents and grandparents who describe their lifelong loss; their voices capture their gratefulness at their parents’ choice of civility and cooperation.

A dad in describing his journey to a parenting plan that was always less than desired or fair found satisfaction that he and his children had reached a place where they now ‘owned’ their relationship. What he could not understand is why the journey took such a toll to reach that place. Owning the relationship with your children should be a given for each parent and extended family. The role of any support service must be to support families in that doable quest.

An Open Letter to Separated Parents on co-parenting

On By BarryIn Open Letter, Parents

‘Co-parenting depends on setting up new emotional boundaries and allowing your children to have their own emotions, identity, and choices. It requires leaving the past in the past, and focusing on the present and the future. More importantly, it requires never forgetting the vision that you are working together for your children’s greatest benefit’. – Elizabeth Hickey and Elizabeth Dalton, Healing Hearts

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we are committed to co-parenting as a core principle and underpinning for the approach set out in this site. Rarely in my work with 800+ families have I come across parenting situations, where a high level of cooperative parenting was impossible.

The on the ground reality is that effective, co-parenting following a separation is about the parents’ commitment to making it happen. Parenting competency is important, and it is key that each separating parent fills gaps in their parenting resume.

A few lessons I’ve learned in my work:

  •  Effective communication is/may be less timely and competes with the two parents building new lives, separate from each other.
  • Every intact family has defined their parenting roles based on many different factors. The outcome is parenting that works best for their intact family. Each parent brings to their parenting role similar skills and their own unique or complementary parenting strengths.
  • A separation and co-parenting require that each parent becomes competent in the other parent’s areas of parenting strength. This is not to usurp the other parent, but rather to harmonize the consistency in expectations and routines. All round parenting competency in areas of the other parent’s strength can’t be shrugged off entirely to the other parenting partner.
  •  A separation means that they are no longer your every moment parenting partner. This adjustment requires hard work on each parent’s part; but it is necessary and rewarding. The parenting strength that you observed in the other parent such as patience or warmth through hugs and touching can become part of your parenting DNA

When I started our little agency, I expected most separating families would have children from the ages of 8-15ish. It was quickly discovered that many of our clients had children, who were toddlers or barely of school age. Consider for a moment the parenting challenges faced by these parents (many of you) and their families to build inclusive, family homes for their children that will endure for a lifetime. It is clearly a daunting task that commences from the moment parents decide to separate.

Effective parenting in the changed family is about building two homes and creating a ‘new normal’ for your children. It doesn’t have to be identical, nor should it be; but it does need to be two homes where calm reigns over chaos and where children know that their parents are committed to their well-being.

Parenting after a separation has never ending resources and our intention is to set out a selection of resources that support effective co-parenting for different ages and stages of children. Reread the opening passage of our vision of being a parent. The awesome responsibility is understood from the moment your child is placed in your arms; and confirmed daily as they move through infancy to toddler to school age to adolescence to young adulthood. Providing for their needs and creating opportunities is the centrepiece of your transformed life. Take a few moments to reflect on those ‘simpler’ times because that ‘can do’ optimism and commitment is now required more than ever.

We employ the term ‘renewal’ deliberately to capture what the parenting process is all about. We are not marriage counsellors, but the process recommended provides time for sober, second thoughts.  Remember that you are both parents, and your children need you more than ever.

Search out the different essays, research, and articles listed in the parenting section of the Resource Hub. There will be motivated to become better educated and parenting courses for changed parenting. will be many additional resources from professionals for your consideration.

In the recommended resources you will find a selection of professional comments on parenting through a separation.

Parenting for family renewal

Parenting through a separation is more difficult than in an intact family. Parenting is simultaneously difficult and rewarding in the best of circumstances; but in a separating family tension between the parents and the end of intimacy may adversely influence every family relationship.

To have the best opportunity for parenting success, children must know that they are loved and valued in each parent’s home. This requires the endorsement of the ‘other’ parent by the ‘other’ parent. Remembering that you are the ‘other’ parent may help in accomplishing desired goals for your child.

A parent can give out negative vibes in many ways to their children when their child sets off to their other home and return to their other home. Negative vibes = abusive behavior directed not only at the other parent but at your child. Research suggests that children of divorce often feel that they don’t belong in either home over time. Our mission, as parents imposing a changing family structure on our child, must be to build inclusive family relationships.

Inclusiveness does not occur when parents are smothering or needy or negative. Renewal is built from recognizing both parents’ love for their child and the complementary strengths of each parent. Reread the article: After my parents divorced… for more.

Building trust

It is important to build parenting trust. This means trying to maintain schedules and minimizing irritants around clothing and toys left at the other parents’ home.

Keep a visible schedule in both homes of overnights and all other activities. This can be done by computer and a master schedule can minimize too many intrusions into the other parent’s changing life.

A scheduled, bi-weekly conversation during the early months is advisable. This could eventually become monthly. Following a conversation, the parents could decide to seek out their child’s input re: any modifications.

Changes should be only about the calendar, not about changing the basics of parenting time. The latter could seriously breech parenting trust.

Managing common issues

  • There is a risk that normal responsibilities assigned as learning tools for your children in an intact family are abandoned in one or both homes after separating. That is not unusual, but unfortunate. The fear of alienating your child through enforcement of responsibilities is common for many families.
  •  An earlier section identifies the ‘common fear’ of separating parents. Feeling like you are one short step from child rebellion and losing your child to the other parent is a major concern…and leads to ineffective parenting.
  • Parents need to come together through parenting conversations on topics of responsibilities and discipline. A common approach would be supportive of each other ‘in the long run’ and to be honest the long run is what this is all about. That is a difficult approach to accept by both newly and longer term separated families.
  • A problem re: parenting differences may be an extension already apparent in the intact family. In some cases the differences are fundamental gaps in parenting philosophy. To employ an oversimplification, one parent is more permissive, and the other parent is punishment centred. Consider the differences in your parenting style in the intact family and try to anticipate what differences are likely to be tested in the two homes scenario. This could lead to a preventative conversation.
  • As a general rule, the parent with parenting responsibility on specific days determines the rules, etc., within their household. The other parents don’t have the authority/power to change that under normal circumstances. If the child is at risk in the other parent’s home, the parent is obligated to seek out a protective remedy. It is recommended, if there is a growing concern that has been ignored or stonewalled, a professional therapist should be employed. Options should be included in any parenting plan.
  • Parenting differences may occur at any age, but probably feel riskier with tweens to mid adolescence youth. These are children that can change their residence by simply walking to the other home. I have rarely, actually never, met a ‘other parent’ who would not welcome their ‘troubled’ child at least once. It is occasionally done as a joint, parenting decision; often though it may be viewed as an opportunity by a parent with less parenting time. It may occur through the recommendation of a child counsellor. The change of residence almost always creates parenting havoc and requires understanding. For some parents, the unexpected arrival of an older child places strains on second relationships. (see section on blended/complicated families)
  • Parents need to pay attention to routines such as bedtimes, mealtimes and getting ready for school. Two homes often have different schedules for routine day to day ‘stuff’. Getting up in the morning; eating times or sit down together time; activity level; delegating responsibility; hugging and comforting each other; bedtimes and how it happens; staying informed of each other’s whereabouts and availability; a  more than passable acquaintance of the children’s friends and parents; etc.
  •  Harmonizing routines (above areas) are a good thing, but often difficult to accomplish. Children do adjust to changes in school routines all the time. However, you need to be patient and alert to how your child is coping. Remember the ultimate parenting challenge is ensuring that your child feels like they are welcomed and belong in the family home that you are creating.
  •  In the intact family, there has been a history of ‘working out’ schedules for your children- especially young children. Remember the earlier observation re: the number of families separating with pre-toddler and primary age children.
  • A separation creates two homes with each parent needing to work out appropriate schedules that MUST be met. Children departing a school bus must be met; a JK child must be picked up on time afterschool- work schedule blips be dammed. All is doable!
  • One parent may be less competent at managing these kinds of details. Some fathers have defaulted that management task to their parenting partner in the intact family.
  •  A default position doesn’t work for the two-home family, if that parent wants to be the full parenting partner recommended here. Again, this is all doable, but may require an attitude change.
  • One of the most significant changes in parenting from an intact family for some parents is that they must take on the role of a full player in every way.
  • While we insist on full information flow on all matters children, it does not preclude full, on-site participation as a mother or father for the full range of activities and appointments for your child. You are going to be busier than you have ever been!
  • The impact of a separation on our job is very real. The intact family has likely found ongoing supports and a working formula. It may not be ideal and requires constant tweaking or even reconstruction. It is however a joint effort.
  •  As a separating parent with a less than flexible parenting schedule, you face serious obstacles. A simple example for some separated parents revolves around employment at big box stores. In many cases an employee (parent) is required to work 3 weekends per month. Most parenting agreements are based on alternate weekends. Our experience suggests that a separated parent could lose 1/3 of their weekend parenting time. If you are a parent with less than equal time, this is a devastating consequence.
  • Explaining money priorities to your children is a difficult task. This can mean that parents miss extra activities because they ‘choose’ to work (overtime) to help meet financial responsibilities. The same family income prior to separating is inadequate to meet the financial obligations of two homes.
  • Parenting plans need to be precise and realistic about extraordinary expenses. For some parents it is a choice between rebuilding a parenting relationship or becoming a less consequential parent. This has negative consequences for the child.
  • Parents must guard against shifting parenting responsibility for younger children care to an older sibling. While there are growth outcomes, there are also inherent risks. A few of those risks include a) a parent not making the required change in their own life to be an effective parent; b) the child losing out on being a child/teen; c) an older child does not have the life experience to be a parent; d) older child sees the parent as selfish and using them to build a new, social life- free of the marriage.
  • Separated parents must find their own parenting rhythm and create new traditions in their home. I am particularly fond of the parent, who built the tradition of reading books every evening with their child. The story goes that that they went 14 years without missing. They created a special, new tradition and it became part of their relationship forever. Every parent can build their own connection(s) with each of their children.
  • It is important to have/allow pictures that connect the past of the family to the present and future. In our work on parenting plans, many parents, usually dads, unknowingly fail to seek out copies of family pictures upon separating.
  •  Both parents are keepers of the family history, and both homes should have the visual connectedness. Obviously, there must be discretion in the choices made, but this step is important and sends a positive message to your children and is a reminder of better times with your children’s other parent. A child should have their own place to visually keep pictures etc. of their other parent.
  • Children often watch for signs of reconciliation. Guard against giving children false expectation. If one parent constantly gives out such a signal to their child, they are doing a disservice to their child. Often, they may unconsciously be using their child to apply pressure on the other parent.
  • Parenting through a separation can sometimes feel grinding/waring. Try to include in your weekly routine fun activities, as well as completing homework. Try to find creative opportunities. In the attachments are a list of low-cost activities.
  • Try to find opportunities for one to one activities/conversation with each child. This requires an emotionally healthy you. Stability and predictability are cornerstones of the family structure that you are trying to build in the early months and years following a separation.
  • Informing and receiving updates re: your child from key players in your child’s life should become part of your routine. These players would be teachers, coaches and significant others. It is important to attend all parents’ nights, and if possible, supervise school trips. Know your child’s friends and be acquainted with their parents. Sleepovers for youngish children adds a degree of normalcy, fun and flexibility. Don’t outsource supervision.
  • Whenever possible, see your children off with a kiss, hug and optimism; welcome them home with enthusiasm and interest in their day.
  • Start to rebuild your relationship with past friends and make new friends. Your children are (re) assessing who you are in this changed family. A separated parent can become isolated from the wider world. It is important that your child see you in different settings and observe that you are well liked, appreciated and respected by others.
  •  Have difficult conversations with relatives and friends, who have distanced themselves. State your needs as a parent and your expectation/desire that they should continue to be your friend and welcome your children as your children.
  • An important, but not completely understood (at least by me at the time), is that each parent is now tasked with shaping the building of a new home with their children. Your child’s in-house time with you (day-to-day parenting) varies, but it does not mitigate your changed parenting role.
  •  It is a mindset that many parents, but perhaps dads more than mothers, fail to grasp. Life is not just in transition for your children because it seems that way to you!

Search out the appropriate resources

Be proud of yourself for taking this new role seriously. Other sections of our site focus on the changing role of mothers and fathers following a separating. Understanding the challenges of each other helps us to be sensitive to their parenting approach; also, it allows you to anticipate what may be coming at you and your children.

Forgive yourself for being an all too human parent. There is a wonderful quality that captures what you need to be an effective separated parent: RESILIENCY!

An open letter to separated dads

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

“‘I like to see [my son] before the game. It makes me whole. He doesn’t watch the game out there. He watches in the back. For me, I tell him I love him. He tells me good luck. We have a talk. You’ve got a good thing like that going. I give him a kiss. You have that in your life, what have you got to be mad about. You go out and do your job with ease.’ (Kyle Lowry – basketball player, Toronto Sun Dec. 25, 2014

Fathers

Kyle Lowry captures the transformation that becoming a dad brought to his life. It changed and balanced his priorities– it broughttrue meaning to the rest of his life.

Every dad understands his words and relate to the transformation that takes place.

Talking about fathers is a complicated task, for many of us became a dad in many ways and through many diverse relationships. As such, the impact of separating may differ substantially, and the challenges faced to be an effective dad are different.

Our common starting point, however, must be remembered always and the continuation of that father-child relationship is crucial. Our common fear/risk must also be remembered; namely, that a separation from the other parent could lead to losing the relationship with our child.

While what I call the ‘fear’ may find a home in both parents, the on the ground reality for a dad is likely more real and more concerning.

There will be an opportunity to hear the words (voices) of fathers engaged in the everyday struggle to be an effective and loving parent.

Listen to the voices to understand the challenges; listen to be an inspired parent that provides your children with the gifts of character that are the best of you and may become the best in your child; listen to learn the tools necessary to be an effective parent and how you can acquire those needed skills.

Tools for fathering in a single parent household

  • Kids ‘n’ Dad’s approach is that the term single parent is inappropriately employed and may have an unfortunate consequence of becoming a self-fulfilling outcome.
  •  Every intact family creates two single parent homes and how it plays itself out for each family is to be determined. Marginalizing the other parent always works against the best interests of the children.
  • While we strongly endorse the presumption of a minimum of 40% parenting time for each parent, the reality at this point in time is this is not taking place. The imbalance (besides the effects on the child) has significant consequences on fathers in terms of the psychological/emotional impact, financial assets to provide desired opportunities for their child; and a sense of their long-term impact on raising their child.
  • The starting point must be to assess realistically the challenges that you face in your new single, parent household-i.e. the terms/conditions for setting up a home! As an aside, I did a terrible job of building a home for my children in the early weeks, months and even for two+ years. It could have cost me dearly.
  • Many dads, even with a middle-class income, probably are ill-prepared for the financial impact of a separation. Most families with children spend to their limits; any long-term savings coming from an appreciating home and contribution to a defined pension plan. Most families have credit card debt and car loans. I know that you get the picture.
  • Our Resources also aim to provide guidance on the a more cost efficient way to preserve your family assets to build two households.

Navigating the legal system

The legal system is not built around or for the separating dad and ensuring a strong, every day father-child relationship.

  • A working dad with income below $60,000 before taxes is likely to be squeezed and face on-going debt.
  • Do a realistic financial check-up! Assess what you need to build a new household. Make the necessary adjustments to goal setting. Try not to get into financial disputes with your child’s mother. They are likely no longer interested in your woes. They would rather find someone to listen to their woes.
  • Don’t involve the children in your financial disputes. Find alternative activities and opportunities, if necessary. Grandparents may provide opportunities for your children and basics for you. Grandparents can be complicated relationships in a separation.  Check out the Resource Hub Grandparents section for more.
  • This financial warning must be heard and heeded. You must be realistic and in this section there are ways to be an effective parent in cost efficient ways. These are the voices of other dads.
  • Being a dad in an intact home is very different than in a separating family. It is likely that no one was an overseer in the intact home. Your role as a dad had evolved and become a norm in which the parent- child relationship carried on. For most homes there was an agreed to comfort level.
  • Separating changes the agreed to comfort level/norm. Working toward a new normal is what the separating process is all about. Some fathers find their previously accepted parenting style under attack in the separating family.
  • In an earlier section on telling the children about the separation, it was suggested that you need to assess your relationship with each child- strengths, weaknesses, concerns- in order to be an effective dad.
  • Reflect on the months preceding the actual separation and whether the intimate partner separating that began much earlier had consequences on your parenting relationship with each child. That would not be uncommon for a dad.
  • As you work your way through this section make a list of the changes about to occur in your life. What do you need to support you through the next day or week or months to immediately become a supportive parent? Where can I find such support?
  •  Talk to your employer about possible flexibility in work schedule re: meeting children’s schedules, while a more structured plan is put in place. Research suggests that the initial weeks and months are critical for separating fathers and their children.
  • In the old days (me), dads tended to move out of the family home. It is often not thought out and done out of a sense of failure and even caretaking. It is still occurring; but it is not recommended; unless an interim parenting plan is already agreed to by both parents.
  •  Leaving the family home without the children and any firm parenting agreement begins your complicated, new parenting regime. Often our new/temporary place has no room for our children. Grandparents may or may not be an option depending on their age, location and relationship.

My personal experience after close to 25 years of marriage was that I was ill-prepared to live in a single household for the first time in my life. Even when my daughter came to live with me almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home. Everything was second hand i.e. legs falling off furniture, etc. I didn’t want my youngest daughter to stay with me for my place was so inadequate. Take a moment and think about my mistakes (a few listed below).

  1. Self-sacrifice at my personal expense. I thought I deserved to be punished; b) Penalized my youngest daughter and endangered my relationship with her by not doing sleepovers immediately; c) I had not thought out any parenting plan; d) I went into caretaking mode by thinking I could cope with anything. That was not true; e) Fill in any additional observations for me or yourself!

Steps

Rule 1

  • Find yourself a suitable place to be a continuing parent from the very beginning! This is a must. Think through your options. Talk to the children about the choices or proudly show them your new place and their bedroom, etc.
  • Don’t leave the intact home without a recognized parenting plan and a suitable place to go!

Rule 2

  • The suggestions in Rule 1 are intended to reduce the unpredictability, when one becomes a separated dad. Work through the additional parenting disruptions that must be covered off from day one. Your mindset must change!

 The reality is that unpredictability is likely going to be your constant companion for every personal relationship.

  • Consider that parenting routines may be gone immediately. Attending dance classes, hockey or ringette three days after separating is a formidable challenge. Seeing your children go off with the other parent is an emotional challenge.
  • Informing parents, best friends, colleagues and bosses of your separation and new address, contact number may feel intrusive and may result in self-doubt or feelings of anger or betrayal, if their response fails to meet your expectation.

Rule 3

  • Fathers may reflect on their role in the separating family. As stated earlier, in every family the parents have found their own way of shared parenting. Any number of factors including work, ages and needs of children have been a determining factor.
  • The role of being a dad is more essential and difficult in the separating and changed family!
  • Your role as dad was not challenged in the intact family. Your effectiveness maybe, but not who you are to the children! Your effectiveness may now be challenged and your love for the children may not be enough to sustain the relationship that your children and you need.
  • The default position is not a viable option. An intact home where the mother dominated decision-making and everything children is not a positive option going forward. It may have the consequence of children without their father in their life in a meaningful way.
  • If you were the kind of father that accepted taking your cues from the mother in the intact home, you have a lot of parenting preparation work to do. You may also face verbal or even legal assaults that you were not the primary parent; thus, you should now be even less of a parent.
  •  What was a more than acceptable role in the intact family is now working against you.

“Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship that you have with your children during the marriage.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Rule 4

‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ (Dr. Benjamin Spock)

  • Sound advice for both parents is perhaps more important for separating fathers. Normal conflict in an intact family can become escalated conflict in a separated family. The bad old ways that parents dealt with conflict over the years are no longer acceptable.
  • For a separating dad, some of these ways may be abusive or just as important considered abusive. Effective co-parenting does not thrive in an abusive relationship. The fault does not really matter; the consequences do.
  • Building more effective ways to talk to each other on parenting issues is a key tool. In our parenting section, there are some rules re: behavior necessary for effective co-parenting. In addition, there are several resources on co-parenting.
  • Effective co-parenting requires compromise. Fathers, who had lost their voice in the intact family on parenting concerns, may find that their voice is an unwanted intrusion to the mother. This can lead to more open conflict, reduced cooperation or simply fleeing day to day parenting. In all instances the children lose and as such the parents lose if their goal is to love their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
  • Courses and counselling programs are available for parents who find themselves repeatedly at odds.

Rule 5

  • Effective parenting following a separation is a moving target. Every relationship with your child is subject to the different stages of each child. Some we are prepared for, others may present unique challenges.
  • Many parents separate with children of toddler age or younger. A father from these families faced in years past a judicial approach that refused overnight stays for children before the age of four. While this has changed somewhat, it may be a factor found in assessments for the Courts. You also cannot legislate against judicial bias or a mother’s determination that she is the primary care parent.
  • As a separated father, you must prepare to be an effective parent and fill in any gaps in your parenting comfort level, especially, with younger children.
  • Every parent has gaps in their parenting resume. Own it and then do something about making it your strength!
  • Many dads express the importance of their daughters in their lives. They feel very close and protective. Research (often outdated or biased) in this area would suggest that fathers are less effective and needed as their daughters’ transition through the tween, adolescence and young adult stages of development. There is a moving away from healthy closeness. If this is followed then the father-daughter relationship is at risk during a critical moment in their daughter’s life.
  • A dad is more than capable of understanding and learning to become comfortable with their daughter’s transition into womanhood. If your daughter is uncomfortable with certain conversations, then supporting her to have her own family doctor, female school counsellor, etc.
  • My oldest daughter lived with me for the first years of my separation (age 16-18). I messed up on occasion, but she knew that I would always be there for her. That helped us build a relationship for a lifetime, through whatever.

Rule 6

‘Fathers that have their own special needs face obstacles to parenting their children. It is as if the community has decided that they are incapable of loving their children or of being loved by their children.’ – Barry Lillie Kids ‘n’ Dad

  • Many dads who deal with mental health issues, disabilities and extreme poverty are often left out of the parenting loop. In an intact family, a parent’s illness would be an opportunity for caring and understanding for a child.
  • Parenting would not be considered impossible because a parent doesn’t have the resources to have an appropriate residence.
  • Most shelters for men/fathers are unsuitable for children. Protective shelters for kids and dad are virtually non-existent and receive virtually zero funding. Consider the messages delivered to children about their dad through the way our community supports a separated dad, especially one who has pre-existing health issues.
  • There is a wonderful film based on a true story called the Pursuit of Happyness. The father takes his child to a House of Friendship men’s shelter.

Rule 7

For all of the above rules, there is no certainty that the outcomes are going to be what you want for your children in their journey from childhood to adulthood. Of course, they are uncertain in an intact family, but a separated parent may feel more responsibility for less than ideal outcomes.

  • So hanging in is Rule 7. I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this web site. I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren. I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way. There was such a defining crisis. I always thought- hang in. Be ‘relentless’ in a patient way.
  • I apologize for the hanging in counselling. But when you receive advice or feel the need to flee consider a time-out and the steps necessary for your personal recovery.
  • While many of our resources advocate shared parenting (40% minimum), many clients have built wonderful, enduring relationships with their children with considerably less parenting time. My standard for the minimum parenting time is whether you are confident that you are able to build an enduring relationship that will continue into adulthood. I would not accept any parenting agreement that didn’t provide that opportunity.
  • For some dads, the parenting insult is all consuming. Feeling insulted is understandable; but you cannot allow your sense of injustice to interfere with being an effective parent. The risk is that there are common outcomes for most children of a separation (reread After My Parents Divorced) and eventually teens may make decisions re: their access to you or the other parent. It is too easy to become obsessed with the injustice.
  • Some dads surrender in order to survive. Living without their children and a legal fight without end is unbearable. If you are in this situation, you must get help. Survival is primary, then you build a life from that step. Your children will survive and some part of you is always part of them. I know that adult children are often better equipped to understand what happened to their family based on their own life experiences.
  • You are a role model for your children. They do observe and what they observe can be your gift to them on how to handle adversity and treatment of others.
  • I often say that I would never wish what my family went through to happen to anyone. However, in my calmer moments, I believe that I am a better parent and person for having gone through the chaos. The opening quote from Kyle Lowry makes clear what is important in life.
  • Parenting perfection doesn’t exist in the intact or changed family. Learn to forgive yourself and your child’s other parent. There is a big picture, the long game for separating parents. Try to keep it in mind when facing challenges. Don’t get so thrown off that you run away from parenting opportunities.
  • Don’t disappear or even worse become an in and out parent. It is difficult for even the best of ‘other’ parents to encourage parenting relationships in such circumstances.
  • It is easy to give up too soon. Situational depression is real for dads facing reduced parenting, loss of supports and living outside the family home.
  • Some dads are angry with their children in their teens. They expect more from them when they choose not to follow the access schedule. Teens are different. Read the section on teens and on alienation. Don’t give up on them! Everyone is wounded, even in the friendliest of separations with children. Children did not participate in the decision to separate.

Protecting Your Child as a Non-custodial Dad

Finally, many dads may face a high conflict parenting situation over access and care of the children.

What do you do? Authorities may see safety concerns about the mother’s parenting as a ploy re: trying to win custody of the child. F&CS are however obligated to do an assessment. You need to keep a record of concerns and the steps you have taken. You will likely not become aware of F&CS findings.

 In addition, a report may lead to a backlash by the mother and that could lead to a set of not so happy outcomes: a) interrupted access, initiated by the mother, even against the current parenting plan; b) your child’s being caught in the middle- interview by F&CS and targeted by the mother; c) confrontations on any child exchanges- high risk for abusive confrontations that can change parenting arrangements.

In our work and on a personal journey, assessing your child’s risk in the other home is extremely difficult. You can be found by authorities, such as F&CS or therapists, that you are ‘interrogating’ your child and putting words in their mouths. This is a concern.

My advice is that you must do your own evaluation. Remember that your idea of risk is quite possibly not the view of high risk by F&CS.

 I failed my younger daughter because I was unable to find a way to protect her. I was on the outside and the chaos overwhelmed me. It is my personal shame. In the end, a counsellor for my daughter made a change of residence happen at the age of 17. My daughter was then in her mid-adolescence and the chaos for her diminished.

As important, more calm allowed each parent- child relationship to be renewed in the long-term.

If what you see is high risk, then you must do what I failed to do. Seek the resources to intervene. There are lawyers who specialize in F&CS cases; there are child therapists (do your research), who place the child ahead of gender;

Do it with caution and for the best reason. You will have satisfied the most important quality of being a dad; namely, protecting your child!

 I made a commitment on the day my daughter came to live with me that I would never fail her again. It was the same commitment that I made to her when she was placed in my arms in the birthing room. The same commitment made by every dad who has graced my life.

 I have kept that promise.

“The greatest gift that you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”  – Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

I have yet to meet a father, who with the right support, cannot be an amazing dad…for a lifetime!

Please read over the resources for parents and selected voices of dads and others.

Open Letter: Personal Recovery

On By BarryIn Fathers, Mothers, Open Letter

Recovery

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental? The questions about personal recovery are never-ending, but important.

A Personal Story

I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and how we would tell our parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

I offer this anecdote because it is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out . . . eventually. Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In this site’s resources there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief—similar to the death of a loved one—may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

Resilience

Your resilience is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resilience will serve you well. Included in the readings are research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Going Forward

Included among our resources are book recommendations and personal stories that our 600+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal. Please take time to consider the resources on mental health and depression, as these things can have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace. Many of the resources available on this site are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting or relationship problems you have never before encountered. Support groups or educational seminars may provide similar understanding and a sense of comradery with fellow travelers on this journey of separation.

Books and resources can provide an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of your family’s life. I considered those books I encountered in my own journey to be lifesaving, for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium. I found comfort in learning that those things that were happening in my life had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

An Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Before Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.

The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.

How alienation happens

It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.

How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.

The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.

 It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.

Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.

In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling.  The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.

Case study: Penny and her parents

Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court.  As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.

The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!

 Comments on the case

The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.

The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.

It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.

The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.

The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.

Note the following about Penny’s case

  • The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
  • The tragic impact on their daughter;
  • The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
  • The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
  • The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
  • Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
  • The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
  • The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
  • Grandparents’ loss over the years.

There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge.  He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.

What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.

In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.

Alienation or estrangement?

How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.

 If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.

The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.

The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.

The legal system and alienation

False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.

 Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).

A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.

The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.

A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.

Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness

Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.

Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.

While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts   for future parenting.

These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.

An Open Letter to Parents Creating a Blended Family

On By BarryIn After Separation, Open Letter, Parents, Uncategorized

Everything about taking a step toward creating a new blended family is complicated, confusing and even confounding. What seems like a straightforward step to begin exploring the possibility of a new, intimate relationship often brings unexpected and unpredictable strains.

Remember the first rule of a family separation: EVERY FAMILY RELATIONSHIP UNDERGOES DRAMATIC CHANGES AND RISKS! In addition the risks are not limited to immediate family but also to every caring relationship in your family circle.

For many separating parents there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. As such there is often a personal need to find someone to care for and someone who reaffirms our value as a loving person and a caring parent. Our self-portrait often has taken a beating in the months before and after a separation. Putting yourself out in this setting feels risky and to be truthful is risky.

It is good to remember that there are other paths to personal recovery (renewal) before introducing an even more complicated post-separation environment. The message is simply to have your eyes wide open.

For this section I am going to deal with concerns that impact Family Renewal and your possible journey to building a new blended/complicated family.

When do you start dating?

This is a complicated question. Research informs us that in general men/fathers begin dating considerably sooner than women/mothers following a separation. There is a negative explanation around this that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’ at last.

The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. The reasons appear to be that more dads are living outside the matrimonial home without their children most of the time. This same study suggests that the intact family is the main source of support for dads and the separation is a two prong assault on who they are. Dating is an understandable outcome.

 This question would have little importance if each of us was an independent adult- we are separated aren’t we? We are BUT the ending of intimacy often is less defined for each party in a separation.

The beginning of any dating is a statement to your ‘former’ intimate partner and to your children that the return of the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement- intended or otherwise- that you are moving your life forward in this area of life.

This is not about finding fault for ‘moving on’ too soon or for isolating oneself out of fear to take a risk. Whatever the choice one needs to be prepared for very human outcomes.

Children often hold on to the hope that the intact family that they have only known will return/ get back to normal. They may believe that such a reunion would end the grief and sorrow of one or both of their parents. Even a ‘normalcy’ that was by all measures considerably unhappy is something familiar and manageable to them. When you look at the disruption that has entered their life through the parents’ choice this is understandable.

Most people enter into a serious post separation relationship at some time. Many parents may put off a formal separation and the beginning of a new home until their children are of an age that they deem more suitable. But one of the discoveries in our work with 100’s of separating parents is the young (toddler) age of their children for many separating families. Few parents are going to delay serious relationships for 10-20 years. Parenting in a blended/complicated family is a significant challenge for the new partners and every parenting relationship.

If you have child (ren) then a serious dating relationship is complicated. Making ‘mistakes’ is inevitable so you need to be able to forgive yourself, recover and learn along the way. Avoid past mistakes and angry outbursts. Try to understand the basis for these outbursts for they can have serious repercussions on your children and your children’s other parent.

So we are back to the original question – when do you start dating?

When you are ready! I am sure that you are grateful for my answer. You need to sort this out based on your readiness and the impact on those that matter to you. Another relationship concern involves your dating partner. Are your dating goals similar or very different? Are you honest with that person about your relationship intentions? Of course you may not know yourself in the early stages but at some point you will sense your own and your new relationship’s long term goal.

I dated early and we are now in our 24th year of a complicated new family. It was an uneasy (on-going chaos) and interrupted courtship. I began dating without understanding the impact and consequences that it would have on my new partner, children and others that I cared for. On the other hand I have found a wonderful life partner for myself and my children and grandchildren.

Included in the resources are personal essays by myself and others that hopefully will provide some needed insight for you on the topic of new, complicated (blended) families.

Questions

Telling the children:

Honesty is preferable…probably. There is a tendency to be shy/hesitant about revealing that you are dating. Consider that the other side of the coin is to not tell them. What are the possible consequences of remaining silent? They are not particularly praiseworthy. Obviously the age of the children may play a part. Judgment is more likely to come from children who are tween, adolescence or even young adults. Your relationship is also more vulnerable with these age groups. They likely have a working relationship with their other parent. So keeping a secret from your former intimate partner will be short-lived once the children are in the loop. Revealing that you are dating is not the same as initiating a meeting between your children and a dating partner.

So I am in support of a two stage plan re: the children. 1. Discuss age appropriately that you are considering beginning to date. Give some lead time. 2. If you begin dating then keep them in the loop including basic information. Limit the details. The length of the relationship will prompt enough attention to move to the next step of introducing the children. This next step may be timed differently for each child based on their age, readiness and willingness.

Telling your former intimate partner of your children/shared parenting partner:

It is a mouthful, but clearly for a reason. This relationship is clearly complicated and needs to be an on-going parenting success for you and your children. We have decided that keeping a dating relationship secret is difficult at best for any length of time. So I believe that the identical approach as employed with the children should be followed. I would add a pre- step; namely, that both parties should acknowledge the dating possibility for either intimate partner in the future. This conversation may result in an agreed to voluntary ‘grace period’ before any dating occurs to allow for any change in the decision by one or the other former partners.

 The future is uncertain but transparency is surely what we can do for our children.

There are no guaranteed reactions from you child (ren) or the other parent. Sometimes a negative reaction of the child triggers a negative reaction from the other parent even when we have handled the matter with apparent care. Changing the children’s response may require patience and sensitivity. If it is entirely a child’s reaction professional support may be necessary. On the other hand if the negative reaction appears to be parent driven it may become a more serious parenting concern. A child may be caught in the middle and be used as a weapon against the other parent. Anxiety is the characteristic most likely observed by the other parent. The parenting conflict is over the cause of the anxiety- dating or the other parent’s response to dating or the child’s particular make-up or etc.

**A very common cause for interrupted parenting is a child’s anxiety to do sleepovers. The cause for the anxiety is almost always unclear and speculative. It can go on for a long time before normal parenting arrangements are reinstated with a therapist’s blessing.

Your former intimate partner’s reaction to your dating may bring out contradictory behavior. They may be dating but consider your dating to be unacceptable. The difficulty sometimes has consequences on shared parenting/sleepovers. A common reason or ‘excuse’ may be that the child doesn’t want to see you when in fact it is your former partner driving this outcome.

 Dating and serious dating may trigger what I call the ‘great fear’ of every parent; namely, losing our parenting relationship. Warning signs are available often immediately and this may lead to interrupted parenting or even confrontations in front of the child during pick-ups and returns. It can be a high risk time and necessary protective steps (a witness) might be required to ensure safety for all.

Dating is a ‘normal’ next step. One parent’s readiness to engage in such should not be subject to a parenting sanction. Pangs of hurt, jealousy or envy are normal enough but our role as a parent is to place our love for our child ahead of reckless reactions. If this is too difficult then professional support must be found ASAP. Long-term harm and criminal behavior (stalking) are too common behaviors.

The greatest gift that a parent can give their child in their complicated life is your endorsement/blessing to enjoy their time in their other parent’s new home! If you have young children each parent is likely going to have new relationships in their lives. It is emotionally difficult; however it is our parenting role to manage the emotional side of our behavior for our children.

An open letter to separating parents on your parent-child relationship

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

Every child is unique and so are their needs during a family breakup!

Without getting into the more complex part of your child’s make-up, the obvious factors at the time of separation are the child’s age and gender identity.

Other factors may be of more importance:

  1. The existing relationship each parent has with their child.
  2. The degree of turmoil prior to the parents’ separating and the duration of that turmoil.
  3. The trigger for the separation is often a trigger for a pre-teen or adolescent.
  4. Often one parent in an unhappy marriage has separated themselves from their spouse for some time within the intact marriage. The family has had fewer positive times together.
  5. A parent may have lost track of their child (ren) in the lead up to the separation e.g. not attending extra-curricular or school events.
  6. Non- diagnosed or unattended or misunderstood signs of depression may have isolated one or both parents from the children.

The above factors present a problem for each parent.

 A critical factor is that many mothers may see themselves as the primary parent with the temperament, skills and on the job parenting experience. This is especially true for mothers with young children.

Few fathers take paternity leave to the same extent as mothers. Each family sorts out their parenting role within the intact family. Shared, equal parenting is getting closer for the modern family; but in the world of separation the perception is often found through a mother’s eyes.

A mother has a difficult choice depending on her view of the parenting world for her family. Does she believe that her child’s father is an integral part of their child’s healthy development at every stage of childhood, even in a two home, changed family?

 This question needs to be asked of every mother at the time of separation. It is the question that must be on the table prior to or at the time of separation.

Remember that the research suggests strongly that shared parenting that comes close to a minimum 40% parenting time optimizes best outcomes for a child. It is the pillar that builds strong, cooperation between the parents by maintaining supportive, involved parenting by both parents, within a safe and secure family setting.

Many separating fathers face their own dilemma. Some dads have been involved parents, fully sharing in their parenting role. Other dads, because of the nature of their employment, begin their day early in the morning or complete their work day at unpredictable times. Other fathers simply have taken the lead of their partner (mother) in the parenting role that they played in the intact family.

I believe that the role a dad played prior to the separation has limited relevance to the post-separation role of shared parenting. Unless the father has been an absentee parent or has little interest in being a shared parent, he can acquire the parenting skills to be an effective parent.

There are many parenting programs for fathers and mothers to be effective parents in an intact family or in a two home family.

Separated parents must recognize that everything changes i.e. every parenting relationship and to be honest every significant, family relationship. Your parenting life is incredibly complicated and for many dads, it is often even more complicated. There is often doubt in the social service network in your skill set and/or temperament to be a co- parent to your child.

This is especially a factor if your current parenting role is challenged; or if you are creating a changed parenting role given the changed circumstances.

Children are faced with uncertainty once the separation is confirmed to them. Many parents fail to have this conversation with an agreed to, no-fault explanation. I suggest that you compile an anticipated list of questions. These questions are likely different for each child and for each gender. Remember the children’s questions may seem off the wall, selfish and even judgmental. In doing this exercise and engaging in this necessary conversation with the children, problems can be identified that may change the details of your parenting plan, currently a work in progress.

In our section on telling the children, it is possible that the outcome is silence, tears, reflection, anger, etc. Age and gender may play a role in the child’s reaction or non-reaction. Each parent’s emotional state may also influence the reaction. This can be for a child a very isolating and lonely time. A time of embarrassment and failure.

I remember that my feelings were that I was a failure as an intimate partner, as a father and aa a provider. Many children wonder if their last failure to do what they were told or their teen rebellion were responsible for the family breakup.

Included are supplementary readings on children’s developmental stages, etc., to help understand children’s differing reactions.

Mental Health Concerns for Children

Studies indicate that children from separated families experience mental health issues at approximately 3 times the incidence rate within intact families. It is further evidence that parents must recognize the risk to their children of all ages. Separating/separated families have a greater responsibility to make parenting plans that maintain or restore calm and predictability to their children’s lives within a two- parent framework.

One constant in most children’s lives is the school. It may begin at the toddler stage (daycare) or the formal beginning of school. Teachers in your child’s life have more direct contact + observation time with your child than most parents. They can be a significant other, providing a window into your child’s life; i.e. making/losing friends, changes in behavior; isolating, bully or victim, sadness, etc.

Teachers, coaches and other care providers should be informed of the changes taking place in your home. Set up a regular opportunity for information sharing re: your child and confer with other possible sources of support within the school or community.

Privacy or our own embarrassment may paralyze us from doing what is in the best interests of our child. The truth is that taking the recommended steps is in your best interests as a caring parent.

 A separated parent must work even harder than parents in an intact family. Our time with our child is significantly less for any number of reasons i.e. 40-60% parenting time; work longer out of financial need; travel time with children; rebuilding your own life as an individual; etc.

Children need their parents on their schedule, not ours. In an intact family that need is met by mom or dad. In the separated family the available parent is unlikely to encourage the child to phone the missing parent; nor are they likely to tell that parent later that their child reached out to them.

An open letter to mothers – on parenting through challenge

On By BarryIn Mothers, Open Letter, Parents

For all parents, challenges occur before you take your first, full breath after the ‘decision’ to separate. Your whole world is changing and mothers and fathers are ill-prepared in every way possible. This is a shared reality!

Many mothers have considered separating for some time. Research suggests that approximately 70% of woman initiate (not cause) the separation. Many mothers have done some preparation; others have been focused on the decision only; a minority are blindsided by their intimate, partner’s decision.

Three immediate challenges are common; namely, a) personal recovery; b) supporting your children: c) forging a parenting relationship with the children’s father.

Each parent is in their own unique place on meeting these goals as they enter the world of separating. These three challenges can be overwhelming; but personal and family renewal must be your goal. I would suggest that the following prism of family renewal, discussed in the Resource Hub, should be employed in your decision-making tool box.        

Does this action/decision/choice move myself and my family closer or further away from our long-term goal of Family Renewal?

Renewal is a term that has been carefully chosen for this project. It encompasses optimism for what parents can accomplish…. together in the right process.  If your parenting target is less lofty, you most likely will create a parenting plan that is unable to sustain what you desire for your children and yourself.

Concepts to consider when working towards renewal:

  • How the separation occurred influences how prepared you are for the immediate decisions. In addition, even your initial, pre-separation work may not be enough to offset the reality of what is coming at you from children, the other parent, family and friends.
  •  This picture is not intended to keep intimate partners and parents inside an unhappy personal and family environment. It is counsel for seeking out the best information, supports and knowing when getting help is necessary.
  • Your intimate partner may react entirely differently than you expected. He may be shocked and vehemently opposed to separating! He may be angry! He may be focused on practical outcomes, etc. Renewal may therefore be more challenging and take more time. It is important to understand that either party can decide to end the intimate relationship without being penalized as a parent or an economic co-partner. It is called no-fault divorce.
  • Parenting in two homes is different and complicated at best, chaotic, overwhelming and lonely at worst (and to be truthful there is worst). This sounds obvious, but the disruption to day-to-day family life is immediate- even if you (mother) remain in the ‘matrimonial’ home, parenting the children uninterrupted in the main. It is even more disruptive if you leave the home soon after with nothing settled about going forward. Many mothers (dads too) return to their parents’ home with all the emotions and disruption that accompany such a move.
  • The incidence of situational depression for mothers is about 4 times greater than for mothers in an intact family. As such, everything that is going on has this emotional cloud impacting every relationship. By the way, the dads’ incidence of situational depression is 6 times greater than for dads in an intact family. It is estimated that 1/3 of children from separated families will require mental health services.
  • The mental health issue for each parent needs to be understood. In addition, the mental health concern may have been in play for some time in the intact family. For both parents, possible depression needs to be dealt with immediately. If not done, it may be a factor negating the shared parenting goals.
  • Taking care of yourself is often low on your priority list. Finding time for yourself may feel selfish, instead of a necessary mental health step. Caretaking and self-sacrificing are sometimes what a mother has become comfortable at doing in an unhappy home and a lonely intimate relationship. For many, this role may provide temporary respite and even comfort for it is a familiar role. Unfortunately, it can simply delay taking the necessary, next steps for personal recovery and healing family relationships.
  • Find ways that make you feel better- ways that are not self-medicating or harmful. It is very easy to become obsessed 24/7 by the situation and the different issues that are now a major part of your daily life.
  • The risk for any parent is to overreact to minor indiscretions on parenting matters and perceived judgments by others.
  • ANGER! How each parent deals with a) their anger toward the other parent;  b) their anger toward themselves matters.
  • There is often plenty to be angry about, legitimate or simply perceived grievances. But constantly looking back fails our self and our children; looking forward is what the decision to separate requires without delay. Lessons will be derived from the failure of your intimate relationship over time, hopefully as you venture into your renewed life.

                                  “Relationships that do not end peacefully do not end at all.”

                                   (Merit Malloy, the Quotable Quote Book)

Anger, Accountability, and Forgiveness

Over the years I have wrestled with each of these concepts. I believe that every former intimate partner with children is engaged in a similar struggle. In this section on parenting by separated mothers, the issue of anger is likely at the forefront of day to day decision-making. As such the next section considers the impact of anger on a separating family.

Experts cited in the Resource Hub suggest that every separated parent should consider whether decisions are driven by anger from the past or a desire to create a calm future. There are many books, etc. by experts that are betterthan my utterings (probably almost everyone), so I suggest that you seek out such resources and professionals. I do know the close-up destructiveness of anger for separating families- parents, children and grandparents.

Accountability is our need for the other parent to ‘admit’ to their destructive behaviors and accept personal responsibility. I warn you that you may be waiting a long-time, likely forever! Accountability is often a two way street and the real world of your children requires moving on to a better path. The search for accountability is often driven by our search for justice or for justification for our actions.

Justice in the world of separation is complicated at best and often left the courthouse some time ago.

A question that illustrates this point re: the personal search for justice for each parent to consider: ‘Did your children ask their parents to separate? Where’s the justice for them?’

Forgiveness is likely found near the end of the journey, if at all. I have found it to be a place that I have failed to embrace…yet. Forgiveness for this writer takes place after accountability – which often has given way to the more important task of arriving at a pragmatic, business like relationship with the other parent.

In this blog post, I write about a support group experience relevant to forgiveness that touched me to the core. It made me feel inadequate and yet helped me move to a better place.

Forgiveness is less about freeing the other parent from what you perceived they did and more about freeing our self from the restraints that make our lives less joyful, less purposeful and less loving! – Barry Lillie: Kids ‘n’ Dad

Lessons from my own journey

On a personal note, I always believed that I was rarely angry and only then at ‘real’ matters that had consequences for my children. I was always justified…so I thought. Being angry ran against my own view of myself as the ‘reasonable’ person. I denied my anger because I considered ‘being angry’ to be a negative characteristic.

In the first weeks of the separation, my children’s mother did something negative that involved my relationship with my children. I went back into the family home and expressed my anger in no uncertain terms. Afterwards, I was quite down about my behavior. It gained me nothing and it could have cost me a great deal.

That of course is the point! I had forgotten or had yet to learn that the end of intimacy also may mean the end of understanding/collaborating with your former intimate partner, especially in the early stages of separating.  You are working to build a new parenting partnership. As such angry outbursts can lead to further breakdowns in this elusive parenting goal.

Making you feel better ‘for a moment’ can have long-term, negative outcomes. Anger must be channelled in more constructive ways that motivate you to personal recovery and to make the necessary changes to be a better parent. After this early ‘blip’ in my behavior, I forgave myself and made a commitment to make my best effort to avoid a second episode, no matter what I considered provocative. I was imperfect, but I continued to try to be less so.

Some lessons I learned on anger, communication, and separation

  • Anger is the Achilles’ heel for separating families and their effort to find family renewal. There are so many irritants and aggravations that potentially trigger situations that can become significant conflicts.
  •  The loss of the foundation of an intimate relationship- namely, goodwill and forgiveness- has serious consequences for day-to-day parenting.
  • Learning to talk to the father in a constructive way is a prerequisite to effective parenting. Early on you probably know whether this can be some form of face to face conversation. It may be too raw emotionally for one or both of you.
  •  In addition, negative communication may have taken place in the intact family for some time- maybe no conversation at all that involved family decisions, etc. Now it is necessary to talk about unending arrangements re: parenting while simultaneously working out contentious financial arrangements and exchanging legal documents- then smiling as the other parent greets your daughter at the dance studio or on the soccer field.
  •  He is now getting out of work early and making a point of being there. This makes you angry. His stepping up now that you are no longer the traditional ‘team’ is viewed as a negative instead of a ‘good for him’ that helps build integral parenting relationships.
  • Separated life initially is filled with these kind of basic situations. It truly is in the eyes of the beholder- a positive or a negative? Remember the goal of the securing enduring, lifetime relationship for children with each parent and extended family. This sometimes hurts a lot as it plays out in the short and intermediate term. If accomplished in the long-term, your children and grandchildren will reap the rewards for a lifetime.
  • It is important to be comfortable in your own parenting skin. The more you feel threatened the more likely that good decision-making is lost to anger/revenge and insecurity.
  • Intimate partners with children separate because for one or both parents’ life has become unacceptable. The motivation to separate is triggered by a negative; but is intended to create a long-term positive outcome. For parents, a positive always includes beneficial outcomes for our children.
  • Therefore, the many experts offer Renewal as a target- it is about reaching out with optimism – to rebuild a better parenting environment that can handle change and complication inside two homes for your children.
  • ‘Every time we reaffirm our optimism, we give our children a good way to approach their own adversity.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Crisis)
  • ‘Optimism doesn’t deny anger, frustration, sadness or intense sorrow. It is willing to give each one its due, but only its due. We cannot always control what happened to us, but we can control how we respond to it and how we use it.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Grief)
  • Renewal is about two homes with humour, laughter, joy, wellbeing, care, connectedness, intimacy, cooperative parenting, good will and lifelong through whatever love.
  • Connectedness is recognizing that each residence is a ‘legitimate’ welcoming home for your children. Children can feel ‘alone’ in each home, if each parent gives the opposite signal to their child as they leave for their other parent’s home.  (Read: After My Parents Divorced)
  • How to make a child feel that they are an integral member of each home with all its differences is the ultimate parenting challenge. I believe it is especially the ultimate challenge for most mothers, who may feel lost when their child is at dad’s home. It is often aggravated when there is a new partner involved in the father’s and child’s life in the other home. (See blended families resources).
  • While the role of mothers and fathers has changed in the modern era, mothers for all the shared parenting in the intact home often see parenting as falling ultimately in their bailiwick. In addition, even in shared parenting homes decision-making on day-to-day care is often in the hands of the mother or at least under her direction.
  • Adjusting to predictable, interrupted parenting is perhaps the most difficult adjustment for a separated mother. As a father I found it to be incredibly difficult also, so I don’t want to overstate the adjustment required as a one-way street.
  • It is important for each parent to understand the other parent’s core difficulty on this matter.

 “It’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days…! I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” – a separated parent

The above statement is the common realty for every separated parent, even for mothers, who may have a majority of parenting time. Being without your children for a night or two at the grandparents or a neighbor feels entirely different from two nights at dad’s home- at least initially. It is a reminder of loss and even loneliness. It can result in holding your children too close; and/or children can become easily your caretaker, if invited to do so. Think about your child’s reality where they could face two homes where they become the adult in the home.

Guilt

  • A parent in a separating family often deals with feelings of guilt. Some experts suggest that feelings of guilt for mothers may derive from a sense of responsibility for failing to maintain the intact family. These experts would maintain that this ‘family’ focused guilt affects mothers more than dads. I suspect ‘guilt’ finds a place in every parent’s emotional being.
  • A companion to this sense of guilt is the practical parenting that may suffer from parenting alone and the time limitations and emotional feelings that may limit a mother from being the parent she desires to be. Our expectations for ourselves often is a self-inflicted wound that hinders personal recovery.
  • A recovery focused even modestly on personal well-being may feel selfish; expanding your life to include significant others even in a careful way is complicated often by a set of external judgments on timing and appropriateness.
  • It is important to recognize the triggers for parenting in ways that are less than desired. If understood, many mistakes re: impatience with your children can be avoided. Alternative support can be found in Early Years Centres and YMCA programs to name a couple of sources. Search out program availability in these centres.
  • Guilt in small doses for human mistakes is probably good for motivating you to do better; guilt that can lead to compounding questionable behaviors or parenting and personal paralysis subtracts instead of adds to effective post-separation parenting.

Forgive yourself!  You are imperfect and as such human!

Please read the different parenting tips on shared parenting in the Resource Hub.

Decency Should Matter

On By BarryIn Open Letter

Decency is an adjective that I have recently found myself using to capture the essence of several of my dads who are not seeing their children on a regular, predictable schedule.

This is not by choice!

As the founder and executive director of Kids & Dad Shared Support (a non-profit dedicated to ensuring that every child has both of their parents involved in their daily life), I struggle for the words that will move individuals (policy makers) who need to be moved to make a difference for these dads, children, and families.

When I offer up the word decency, I do so because I know that children gain when they are loved, supported, and surrounded by parents and significant others who can be described in such a way. When a child is missing such a parent from their life there is serious failure.

Research tells us that 50% of children from separated families will lose a close relationship with their dad within 2-3 years of the family breakdown. These dads are each unique with attributes often different from each other…. and yet decent men who have their own form of decency to offer as a lifelong gift to their child.

In the past I have often written about my personal story and the good fortune that I had at different times to arrive at a position that sees me with a remarkably close relationship with each of my three children. I would like to think that being a decent man/father made the difference. I could then package all the different ‘decent man’ formulas and provide a road map for every dad and child to arrive at that place together.

Unfortunately, I and every other dad who has somehow stumbled across the abyss to my current place know that this was not the case. They understand that their positive outcome was only a small part about decency; the reality is that other ‘forces’ of support, family circumstances, economics, their own strength or background, luck and most importantly the mom’s commitment to shared parenting were of greater significance.

So, these are the observations from someone who has made it to the other side successfully, luckily. They are also the observations of a son who lost his mom and dad prematurely (grandparents to his three children) to the ravages of the process because no one could get control of what was taking place. Their deaths were part of the continuing invisible (except for their loved ones) carnage of the current system.

By the way, they were decent, loving, and supportive parents and grandparents.

A couple of weeks ago a lawyer lectured ‘kindly’ to one of my dads that not everything in life is always fair. He meant it as sound advice. You know that ‘get on with your life’ philosophy that we gratuitously offer up to others. My friend had asked his aid to help him see his child by intervening with mom on his behalf (he represented mom).

The lawyer’s response failed any test to make a difference for this family.

My friend is a decent man and father who has raised his son alone, without support of any kind. He worked overtime for years to rebuild his financial stability and to meet all his financial obligations. He obeys the rules, he is energetic, hardworking, generous, and upbeat. He is remarkably resilient and steadfast in his efforts to reach out to his daughter.

He is a decent man and father. Any child would be proud to call him dad. He needs no lecture about life being unfair. He lives every day with an emptiness caused by his missing child and yet presses on. ( See Dear God resource)

Another dad is someone who I see less and less now. He has moved a couple of hours away to pursue his chosen profession. I am so proud of his accomplishments. He was a young dad and his relationship did not survive the turmoil of the couple’s youthfulness and their families.

He placed his trust in a legal system that would work for his child to ensure that both parents were involved in the child’s early years. If he made a mistake, it was a straightforward one-namely- he didn’t push hard enough at every stage of the legal process. He had lawyers who were incompetent and faced a mother and family who were intransigent.

This young man is exceptionally smart, talented, serious, thoughtful, generous, and caring. He is a decent son, man and would be as a dad. He has rarely seen his daughter in 5 years. He awaits the next step in the process. His child would be blessed to have dad in their life.

Another of my dads is from a more difficult and yet not unusual situation. He was overwhelmed by a separation that uprooted his life and challenged his values about marriage and family. He met the irresistible force of family law and his belief that fairness would prevail. It was almost too much for him.  He fled to survive, leaving behind his substantial share of the family’s financial resources. He lives constantly with a permanent ache and emptiness for his missing kids and wonders often about what he is working for or going to? These are not unusual questions for middle-aged dads going through separation, often not of their choosing.

He has not seen his kids in 5 years.

This dad is a unique individual, intelligent, well read, quick witted with a wicked sense of humor; he is thoughtful and like many separated dads has become so aware of what is meaningful to him. I am so proud of him for simply finding the will and courage to get up every morning and to survive. The truth is that he was always a decent man; but today he is even more so. His children would have their lives enriched forever by having their dad’s decency in their daily lives.

These are simply three of the many stories of decent dads experiencing the ultimate cost of a failed intimate relationship- a severed relationship with their children.

The strange aspect of all this is that nowhere can we find this to be the desired outcome of Canadian Family Law. To be truthful there is not even a condition that decent parents must raise children. I have set the bar that high just to demonstrate how the system has failed separated families, all members of separated families. If Kids & Dad, a small non-profit in Waterloo Region, has numerous such cases, what does it tell us about the numbers across this province and country (30,000 children every year lose a close relationship with their dad)?

The research is clear and our common sense tells us that the findings are correct. Children are more likely to have positive outcomes and become happy, resilient, and responsible young adults when they are raised with involved, supportive, and loving parents in their daily lives, whatever their family form; children are more likely to struggle when they are missing such a parent and they are left trying to cope with a sense of abandonment, often for a lifetime.

I can’t expect everyone to live with my passion for separated families. My family suffered through it and the consequences will always leave us scarred. I do think though that I should be able to expect that each of us with children should have the imagination to know what pain and loss would be for a parent and their children if they were missing from each other’s life.

 A caring society does not accept a shrug and gratuitous words to ‘move on’ as a response to injustice.

I have been blessed for the past several years to be friends with so many decent parents and grandparents. I offer the following words of a son, father, and a Canadian soldier. He went through a separation a decade ago and he has seen his children only a handful of times. I know him only through his parents and his words to his child on their birthday.

He wrote:

“I remember on this day when you were born. Daddy cried. I was so happy to be given a baby. Put your hand to your chest and you will feel me there. Every beat of your heart is my loving you.”   

 Too many separated dads and their children have been denied the opportunity to share the joys, tears and ecstatic moments of their child mastering their first two-wheeler, scoring a first goal, earning a platinum ribbon at dance, going on a first date, reaching the honour roll, overcoming a disability, or knowing that they are loved forever.

These separated dads understand that many of those magical moments are lost; but what they want and their children need and deserve is the opportunity to create and share the moments still to come, for a lifetime.

Our decency as a community and society is now being tested!