Author: Barry

Recovery beyond separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Parents

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental?

The questions are never ending.

A personal story: I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and telling parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home- for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill-prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

 I offer this anecdote because situational depression is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out…eventually.

Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In the Resource Hub, there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief-similar to the death of a loved one- may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

Read our post about Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee’s book What about the Kids – a good place to start re: the personal impact of a separation.

Try to find readings that provide spiritual renewal and pragmatic, self-help steps. Moving toward recovery can be slow moving. There are always unexpected, unprepared for triggering events that set us back; recovery is about acquiring the tools that make you more resilient.

Your resiliency is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resiliency will serve you well.

Included in the Resource Hub is research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression– depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Please read the articles related to depression for they have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace.

Many of the readings offered are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting, or relationship problems never encountered.

I found in 2 or 3 key books an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of my family’s life. I considered those books to be lifesaving for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium.

I found comfort that what I thought was happening, had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

The Resource Hub includes recommended books and personal stories that our 800+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal.

Featured

Telling the Children

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children

Our experience working with over 600 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing so:

  • they hate tough conversations
  • they worry it may lead to tears or fighting
  • they are feeling a sense of failure
  • they wish to avoid open parental conflict
  • they assume the children probably know
  • they feel ill prepared
  • etc., etc.

Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy, and not talking to your child(ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. As parents you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can. To do this, you need to work together to  prepare a plan for how to inform your children while also anticipating their fears and questions.

The joint concepts of a no-fault divorce and family renewal are valuable tools as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation. Together, you can use these concepts to prepare a script to help you navigate the emotional and often unpredictable family conference with a common goal: helping your family to heal and grow through the changes to come.

Common Questions by Children:

  1. Where will we kids live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener some may seem to be simply a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or rip the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term. It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period of time. This is what I call the mutual no-fault explanation or the mutual both parties at fault explanation. Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long-run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach.

This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your now changing family!

How to get started about talking to your kids about the break-up

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

Talking to your children about separating or breaking up is hard to do!

The end of an intimate relationship is often messy; the end of an intimate relationship with children is messy and complicated at best, gut wrenching and devastating at worst.

The decision to end an intimate relationship with children triggers difficult conversations. Unfortunately, for many intimate relationships difficult conversations have been deferred for months, even years. Anger may have replaced caring and support.

Either or both partners may be damaged, wounded, and vulnerable from the loss of caring and goodwill.

The reason for a separation is generally (except for DV) irrelevant to the legal process. The legal concept of no-fault divorce is/was an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. The good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is however a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law, mainly re: the costs.

In an earlier section, I requested that each parent assess their current emotional well-being as they enter this most important, joint initiative of explaining the separating to the children.

You must be prepared for these critical conversations with your children. The no-fault concept is a valuable tool as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation.   

Telling the Children

Our experience working with over 800 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing; a) hate tough conversations; b) may lead to more tears or fighting; c) sense of failure; d)  a desire to avoid open, parental conflict; e) unnecessary, children probably know; f) ill prepared; g) etc.

Not talking to your child (ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy. As parents, you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can.

“This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your changing family”! (Kids n Dad)

At the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover the ever-elusive calm from the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent.

Renewal is about optimism for what is achievable. The alternative is simply survival and to live life in an out of chaos, often for years or even a lifetime.

Renewal is doable provided each parent truly takes ownership for what I have discovered from our support for separating parents; namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm the above statement, they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

 Your question to every professional:

 ‘Do you (professional) have the tools to support our family through the chaos and anger, so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families… forever?

N.B. Read the essay by an adult child of a family separation. Included are several comments by children and parents from a split family. I found her essay poignant and profoundly sad!

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference.

a) Remember the no-fault approach.

b) Each parent must do their own assessment prior to a family conference re: the challenges facing each child. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc.

 There is an impact on every child in every stage of life- please understand this fact.

See the different parenting sections in the resources!

c) Once the above step has been done, the parents should compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. The previous step help parents begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.

d) Initially consider the broad strokes of an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions must be answered/explained. A parent who suddenly disappear does not support shared parenting.

An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. This is a trial agreement. Our resources offer ideas on a practical parenting plan and a short-term, financial plan for paying the bills. Be flexible, based on the feedback from the children.

e) The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics – Scary and somewhat unpredictable!

  1. If possible, do the conference together (Coloroso)- take as much time as necessary. You have developed a no-fault plan (script) anticipating possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations, where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no fault concept.

b) If possible, do the explanation conference a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.

c) Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.

d) Often, your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison.

Children generally choose an intact family over separation.

e) Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and may enter the family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating may have started months earlier by one parent, and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children.

Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.

f) At the conference, the opportunity exists to remind the children that the family continues in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change, but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.

g) The atmosphere that you create in the meeting allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions. The family meeting provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.

 h)  If the children are quiet (very possible), anticipate questions that are unasked.

 i) Plan a second meeting within a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable. Some of the initial discussion will simply have been a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.

j)   Take a moment to assess your sense of the conference and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.

k)) Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.

 l)  Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see, hear and imagine everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents and isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is more going on inside the child.

Questions to be answered from the practical to questions without an answer.

  1. For some time going forward, every problem with a child may ‘feel’ like it is a consequence of the separation. Remember that intact families have lots of problems. Your changed family life is more complicated for every family relationship; but you are still a parent and have a family.
  2. The way that you tell the children and set in motion the actual on the ground changes provides a building block- a foundation for what comes next and next and next.

Common Questions by Children.

  1. Where will we live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

b) Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener may seem to be a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable.

 The most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or tear into the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so, simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more; and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term.  It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that ‘as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period’. 

This is what I call the mutual, no-fault explanation or the mutual, both parties at fault explanation.  Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the cause of their failed, intimate relationship.

 Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation.

This doesn’t mean they were the cause-only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

 There is a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children.

The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference.

 Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Closing Comments

Barbara Coloroso (Parenting through Crisis) provides a list of what kids (your kids) need to hear. They are offered as a guide at the beginning of your family’s difficult journey to renewal in two homes.

Children need to hear:

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with mom and one with dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them. Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will never be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Every section in this site is intended to support you in your effort to love your children, ahead of your feelings of hurt, anger, loss and despair.

Telling the children launches your family into uncertain territory, where every relationship is under stress and risk. This may not feel like a step forward, but if done together within the no-fault framework, you have taken a step toward family recovery in a two home setting.

What Matters Becomes Clear…Hopefully: Parenting andthe pandemic

On By BarryIn Parents

‘…there is no mystery of human behavior that cannot be solved inside your head or your heart.’

Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

A recent article in the Globe and Mail (‘Pandemic complicates parental-access battles’ April 11, 2020) suggest lawyers are busier than ever as separated parents clash over changing custody orders for their children.

The renewed conflict rests on failed logic by mothers and fathers; namely, that dads are incapable of providing a safe environment for their children; and mothers, who work in health care, service industries, etc., are a high risk to their children.

Mothers and fathers place paramount importance on the safety of their children!

Parents seeking to change parenting orders already have existing mom’s home/dad’s home, care arrangements, and safety was a settled matter. The parent seeking a change is ‘using’ the judicial system to deliver a blow to the heart of the child’s other parent.

Parenting trust, that is hard earned and always a work in progress following separation, falls victim, and there is a return to chaos and uncertainty for children, parents and grandparents.

The family disruption from the 2007-08 financial crisis was a forerunner to the COVID-19 crisis for separated families. The loss of employment, and income reduced to E.I. resulted in conflict over child support and extraordinary expenses for a child’s activities.

The out of work parent often attempts to cobble together part-time employment that is temporary with unpredictable hours. Parenting schedules for many families were disrupted, at a time when flexibility and reassurance was necessary more than ever.

For children and parents to remain connected in a crisis, there must be recognition of the challenges that threaten changed families. This is not easy, for many separated parents lost positive communication prior to and since ending their intimate relationship.

However, the parenting agreement provides guardrails through the terms of co-parenting for the unexpected ‘life getting in the way’ crisis.

COVID-19 has been from the outset a financial and care of child(ren) crisis. Most separated families have a parent(s) facing loss of income from a prolonged layoff, business closings, and the lack of alternative employment.

Parents are now available or less available in mom’s house and dad’s house, at a time when everyone feels at risk. Grandparents, who may play a significant role in childcare or simply by being available as needed, are the most at-risk population.

Adversarial legal actions, described by a local lawyer as ‘blood-sport’, consistently fail to build integral parenting relationships. Decision-making now is being forfeited by parents, who have common goals, namely: to love, protect and be an integral, lifelong parent.

The Law Commission of Ontario (2010) study found that users (you and I) of Family Law asserted that too often solvable problems became unsolvable outcomes. In other words, the outcomes were not just benign, but often made matters more difficult, often for a lifetime.

It is difficult to imagine a worst case scenario for disruption and human loss than the COVID-19 crisis. But the cliché about life being too short has never been more appropriate for separated families. 

Solvable or unsolvable outcomes (2020) for separated parents rest in their ‘heads and hearts’, and the commitment made when they became a mom or dad. In truth (consider for a moment here), the same commitment was made by each parent on the day they separated and created two homes.

Going to Court resurrects the common fear in both parents that they are going lose their child to the other parent.

COVID-19 offers parents an opportunity to model the kind of relationship that our children need and deserve.

 Respectful conversations built on flexibility and maximizing parenting opportunities are rewarded with children not being caught in a destructive, tug of war. Goodwill and trust are built, not lost, by expanding the parenting guardrails.

The parenting dialogue is initiated by; a) providing the other parent with each other’s safety plan and ideas to make each parent and child comfortable; b) engaging in give and take exchanges about the structure of the child’s day that begins with school instruction, technology usage and enrichment activities; c) each parent creating or expanding on an activity that is their special ‘thing with their child; d) providing an opportunity for the parent and child to enjoy face-time, check-in every day, when they do not have their child;

Separated families are going to be severely tested over child support, extraordinary expenses, and parenting arrangements.  Finding ways to engage the other parent in child focused ways is an opportunity to be the parents you wish to be and leads to a more peaceful approach to settle issues from the pandemic’s fall-out.

It is a choice!

‘Your relationship is only measured by how much your child feels your love, your commitment, and what you’re able to bring to that relationship.’ (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Please provide FEEDBACK re: ideas, activities, activities, problems, frustrations, good news stories, etc., that we could share more broadly to support other families in a Mom’s Home, Dad’s Home.

My New Complicated Family Turns 25: December 2018

On By BarryIn After Separation

Almost 28 years ago on my last night in the family home, I chose to fall asleep on the floor beside my youngest daughter’s (just turned 12) bed, hoping that somehow, she would know that I loved her forever. I feared that her age placed her at the most vulnerable age.

The next morning would be my last in the intact, family home. There was no single, triggering event, simply two people who had grown apart and failed to take care of each other over the latter years.

It was all done in a ‘civilized’ manner. Neither parent understood really what their reaction would be; nor the devastating way in which every family relationship would be at risk.

 Immediately on leaving the matrimonial home, I was overwhelmed by the possibility of the loss of my children (19, 16, and 12). The first night absent from my home brought dark thoughts. I returned to ‘my’ home the next morning to explain my unrest; the conversation was difficult and unsuccessful.

My 16-year-old daughter chose to join me and returned to the one bedroom, where I had arranged to live in the short term. Now, my new status included my oldest daughter. It is probably an overstatement that it was lifesaving, but at the time, her choice reaffirmed that I was still dad.

 Thankfully, the darkest of thoughts never returned.

When you enter the separating environment, the only certainty is the lack of certainty. Every family relationship and every other, significant relationship feels as if it is under scrutiny and judgment. An intimate relationship with children that was happy has now been exposed as a ‘failure’ with all the questions that come with the territory.

Each parent needs a supporting thought to hold on to during the initial days, weeks and months.

I would suggest the following as a guiding principle.

Remember. You are still a parent. You still have a family! (Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House).

The bedroom that my daughter and I shared for that first week didn’t feel like a new single parent home; it felt like and looked like failure! After that first week, I found a basement apartment, maybe fit for a poor student. The only real room had a divider for privacy and a shower in the hallway. For a middle-class teacher and daughter, it too felt and looked like failure! This was followed by a more traditional apartment furnished in Spartan style.

 I lived in that ‘style’ for close to 3 years.

As you can tell, I had not read or implemented Ricci’s counsel that I was a new family. It contributed to my sense of failure as father, provider and intimate partner.

Barbara Coloroso describes single parent and blended families as ‘families born of loss and hope’. For many separating parents and children, the journey going forward is a tug of war between loss and hope. For many dads, a separation is initially dominated by loss of children and the family home. So, the initial experience of being pulled toward the darkness is common. When the separating process becomes chaotic through parenting loss, hope is difficult to imagine.

  ‘Stepfamilies, foster families are all as real as the traditional family.’

– Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis

The concept of being a ‘legitimate family’ in a separation is almost always with the parent with majority parenting time (usually mothers). There are so many forces – legal system, family law, social service bias and even family and couple friends- who see you living without the children most of the time. The family as they knew it resides elsewhere. It feels like failure, too.

To be heard by the different bodies above requires patience, civility, relentlessness, resiliency and commitment to be a parent… through whatever.

In My New, Complicated Family Turns 20, many of you in blended, second, reconstituted, subsequent, etc. families found something to take away for your own journey together. I have also included an amazing essay by one of our stepmothers about their incomprehensible, but too common journey. Please read: My New Family Matters Too!

Another 5 years has passed and our 25th anniversary is a milestone to be celebrated. Elaine and I have reflected on the early chaos and the naiveté that love and caring for each other won the day. While they are essential ingredients, they did not provide the certainty of an enduring intimate relationship or the successful creation of a complicated, new family with children.

‘But in the remarried family, the stepparent-child relationship begins much later. It’s rooted not in the child’s birth but in the early days of the second marriage, which means it begins differently and runs a separate course… It’s a relationship that starts midstream, it’s more challenging for both of you. And it’s a triumph for everyone in the family when you, the stepparent, become a really important person in your stepchild’s inner world.’

– Judith Wallerstein: What About The Kids

The ‘triumph’ never seems to be complete; but that I believe is the consequence of the obstacles that were so formidable during the early weeks, months and even years. One is often reminded of those early days at special occasions for children/stepchildren as they pass through different stages of their lives. There will be hurtful moments, hopefully unintentional, in each relationship as they build toward understanding, respect and trust.

New, complicated families are about acknowledging everyone’s past; but not being stuck’ by the past. Every new couple must take control of their own destiny and their future.

To that end I did a miserable job …for some time. I have lapses even decades later. Elaine made sacrifices and choices, waiting for me to recognize my errors. There are times, when a separated dad with children, has little room except for the fear that they are losing their child… perhaps forever. That continuing fear is perhaps the greatest threat to new relationships with children.

Our 25th anniversary is about honouring Elaine for sacrifices too often undervalued or even loss to the chaos that destroys so many loving, new families. It is for being a partner in building and rebuilding relationships with each of my children. It is for becoming a co-grandparent to now 6 grandchildren who fill our lives with love, joy and good chaos. It is for honouring me with her love and support as a person as well as a life partner. It is for pulling back when I was blinded by the past.

Thank you for finding my hand through it all; and allowing me to find your hand… always.

25 years ago, the children barely knew you. They were wounded by the chaos and struggles of life at that time. You built a loving and caring relationship with each, day by day, so that they care and respect you for what you have brought to their lives. Most of all, they recognize your gifts of love and support to their wounded dad.

 Hope began 25 years ago and is found in every family relationship that now includes 6 grandchildren.

Reflections on Remembrance Day, 2019

On By BarryIn Grandparent

Thank you to the children and teachers of Smithson Junior Public School for a Remembrance Day to cherish.

Don Cherry’s ‘you people’ rant on Hockey Night in Canada unfortunately diverted attention from the growing support for our military, past and present.

I was a fortunate child and grandchild, for my gramps and dad survived war zone service in WW1 and World War11, respectively, and as such were integral to who I am today. Remembrance Day, for this writer, is always a melancholy journey, a mixture of gratefulness, pride and family renewal to be the best of them, in my own imperfect way.   

They rarely recounted stories of their military service and the horrors of Gallipoli or the fears and uncertainty from the almost daily, nighttime bombings of Great Britain. Upon their return, they took up day to day living, often in occupations that were taken out of necessity, in order to provide opportunity for their families.

Peace fought for and won with great cost would hopefully quiet their troubled memories of loss and personal trauma.

It was with these thoughts and seventy-five years of life behind me (thanks to my father’s survival) that I entered Smithson School at 10:15 on November 11th to be in the company of my seven year old granddaughter, Mollie. She was unaware that I was coming and as she looked about she spotted this grandpa and her face lit up with a smile almost too big for her face. I was reminded of my good fortune, luck, and fate to be in this place, at this time.

 I remembered my veteran dad and grandfather; and all the veterans who suffered losses for their family and unknown families from faraway places.

As the young children entered the assembly, parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren found each other in a similar fashion to Mollie. Some parents jumped to their feet and waved until I feared they would injure themselves. Almost in every case the children were more reserved because the Smithson teachers had prepared them for the solemnness of the ceremony.

I took in the scene-never completely turning my eyes from my granddaughter, in case she flashed her now toothless smile that melts my heart. I was again aware of the diversity, in every possible way, of the Smithson School community, and the blessing for parents and grandparents to have our children being raised in an environment of acceptance, tolerance, generosity and caring.

There were no ‘you people’ in this gathering!

 The formal program recognized and honoured loss, lessons were provided, and a hopeful, future path was offered to our children, grandchildren and the audience through readings, poems, songs and a children’s story. All done in a respectful, thoughtful and age appropriate way.

The Last Post was powerfully done by a Smithson teacher. Our children then exited calmly and quietly. Parents and grandparents behaved appropriately (not a certainty) following the Last Post and avoided the not so subtle ‘look’ or raising of a hand (quiet …please) by a Smithson teacher.

As I reflected on the occasion, I believe that I had witnessed in this small, urban school the best of the Canadian ideal. The Canadian experience has been and perhaps always be an imperfect journey; but these 45 minutes left me more hopeful for the future than when I entered.

I could hear my grandpa and dad by my side saying thank you Smithson community:  ‘YOU DID YOURSELVES PROUD! ‘

School Days Can Be About Opportunity

On By BarryIn After Separation, Parents

As a former teacher (it seems so long ago), I still see the approach of Labour Day through the perspective of gearing up for ‘life’s about to change’. As a parent and grandparent, the return to predictability and certainty offers a promise of order to day-to day life.

For newly separating and separated families the struggles can be difficult as new parenting patterns may not yet be established. Some parents and grandparents may suddenly face loss in their day-to-day, relationship with their child and grandchild.

The return to school should be viewed as an opportunity to build enduring, supportive relationships for parents and grandparents.

PA Days and school day trips provide additional opportunities for a parent or grandparent to have ‘special time’ with their child or grandchild. For a parent (often a dad), the opportunity for a child to see their father in a different setting is rewarding and builds ‘integral’ relationships between parent and child.

Recently I went to see a film called 8th Grade. It was about a young girl in her last week before graduating to high school i.e. a transition to an entirely different space. She is being raised by her dad- and we observe, through the dad’s painful efforts, that they are unable to talk about anything meaningful.

 The film has an understated father-daughter theme. But in truth it is a universal, parent-daughter or parent-son theme.

 Near the film’s end is a conversation between daughter (in crisis) and her dad that is a ‘must be viewed and heard’ as they struggle to make each other understand how they feel about each other.

It is words and/or deeds that build enduring relationships, that too often go missing because of the way families separate. Kids n Dad suggests that parents and grandparents plan to take advantage of the opportunities offered by the new school year to build a more enduring, supportive relationship.

 I guarantee that during the school year you will have the opportunity to be the parent that you wish to be- just like the dad in 8th Grade.

School Days Are (Soon) Here Again                                

Summer is still with us and I am trying to focus your attention on the upcoming school year. A new school year often presents change upon change for newly separating and separated families. What was once viewed as joyful changes in an intact family are now challenges that make parenting more complicated e.g. a family moves to a new home in a new school district? For our children of every age change has serious implications- making new friends/losing old friends; etc.

Kids ‘n’ Dad tries to focus separated parents on the new school year. We believe in limiting surprises in the school year that may lead to unwanted parenting conflict that impacts your children. The school year is an opportunity for separating parents to restore some order/predictability and calm to their children’s lives and to their own lives.

The new school year may be especially difficult emotionally for newly separating families. It can be like the first Christmas with its emotional connections, good memories and now the loneliness of being a parent absent from the excitement of the actual event. It is a clarifying moment for everyone that family life has changed…forever. 

It is also an expensive time with new activities beginning and schools often asking for additional fees for this or that. Many of our parents continue to face economic difficulties that are part of the current economic environment. Separated families rarely have enough income to support a dad’s home and a mom’s home and it often comes down to hard choices about your children’s activities in the upcoming year.

The Globe and Mail published an essay (After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine. It belonged to them. -June 5 2013) by a young woman who wrote about the aloneness of being a child of divorce.

She grew up feeling like an outsider in her parents’ homes and later in their subsequent families. Her letter stopped me in my tracks. I thought about my own children and the children of our clients, who are struggling with that same loneliness and lack of belonging. My point is that doing this school thing right is part of overcoming what happened to this young woman as she grew up.

 ‘As parents we have a responsibility to ensure that our children feel included in each home and that each home is participating in their daily life. School is an integral part of that life.’  (KND)

Ideas to consider for the upcoming school year

Compile a personal list for your family. Each family has their own unique set of challenges, but a common set of desired outcomes!

  • Both parents must, together or independently, establish a relationship with their child’s teachers and school. If the separation is new, then a school visit is an imperative. The school is going to be a main source of information re: your child’s transition from an intact family.
  • Plan to attend school activities. Co-operate to ensure that one or both of you are available for every activity. Include supervising on a school trip as a volunteer. Establish a schedule to share your children’s activities. If the ‘together’ thing is too difficult then work out parallel arrangement that works.
  • MEET THE TEACHER NIGHT IS COMING UP! Ensure that you attend the ‘meet the teacher’ and all other parents’ nights, especially report card meetings. Do not count on the other parent to be the conveyor of information. If need be give the school postage prepaid envelopes with your mailing address for your child’s Report Card, newsletters, etc. Schools are RARELY proactive in ensuring that BOTH PARENTS receive all info. I know many separated parents who have never seen their child’s report card with all the valuable info on their child.
  • If your child’s teacher is hesitant to provide duplicate material, be courteous but also insistent and follow through. Each parent needs to be in a position to help their child with their homework, etc. Many fathers who often have less than 40% parenting time may prefer only to do ‘fun’ activities. You can do both; you should do both.
  • Make sure that you are up-to-date on your child’s school friends. If your child (ren) are of an age suitable to have a friend sleep over then these school friends form a likely pool of candidates. Your involvement in your child’s school activities allows you to meet other parents and create a comfort level for them and the children.
  • Attend extracurricular activities that are outside the school- e.g. dance, hockey, and ringette. RESPECT the other parent on those nights that are their access nights. Do not make participation by both parents a problem. Set a good example for your children.
  • Plan out a co-operative parenting schedule. Respect it! Abide by it! The schedule is the LAW UNLESS BOTH PARENTS AGREE TO A CHANGE! YOU CANNOT SIMPLY DEMAND A CHANGE!
  • If changes need to be made then consider a process to make that happen. It could be done through a mediator if you are unable to make it happen cooperatively.
  • Expenses need to be talked through and not simply a bill handed over with a demand. Dads in many cases need to know that school aged children cost money and that these expenses may be separate from the question of access and child support payments. Primary care parents need to know that denying access damages your children and is against the law.
  • I mentioned last year my concern re: the use of Facebook, Twitter, etc. to take verbal shots at a former partner. These concerns remain an alarming and disturbing development. These verbal potshots are in reality not only an attack on your child’s other parent but also upon your child. They are simply unproductive for everyone. This is absolutely unacceptable! It is embarrassing/hurtful to your child and is making public what is essentially a private family matter.  Another aspect of the use of the social media is the potential misuse and risk to our children. If we as the parents are hooked on Facebook and messaging, why wouldn’t we expect our children to model themselves in the same way? The problem is that most children are without the life experiences that we bring to social networking. This is particularly a problem for children in the tween age bracket. In separate families children of this age may rely on these friends even more and also have more time alone, etc. As such the good aspect of a child cell phone (safety, ready availability) may become lost to the negative side (vulnerability and obsession). Go on line, educate yourself on the risks to your adolescent and develop a strategy that works for your family.
  • If you are newly separated don’t be afraid to initiate a meeting(s) as necessary with a key teacher/mentor/coach to your child. They can watch over your child and encourage participation and friendships.
  • Finally, if you have a new partner during the school year, take it slow and easy. Understand possible reactions of your child; deal with your former partner in a mature, honest and sensitive manner. Read up on possible reactions. Ask your new partner to be patient as you try to work out the new family dynamics.
  • PA Days offer an opportunity for additional parenting time for some parents and could be included in Parenting Plans. Cooperating parents can reduce before and/or after school costs by sharing in providing care to their child. In addition grandparents – especially paternal grandparents who may now have reduced time with grandchildren-can also be included in school year planning. They provide a sense of belonging to grandchildren.
  • FINALLY acknowledge the other parent’s flexibility. Acknowledge each other’s flexibility. Your children will notice.

 I used to say that parenting through a separation is a marathon, not a sprint. I have adapted my thinking- separation is a series of sprints that hopefully add up to the completion of the marathon. Just when you think there is a comfortable pattern, life gets in the way. Life in the way can be a remarriage or a move or a job loss/ financial crisis or a child in crisis or…. Every separated family in every school year is likely going to face a difficult change(s) that may trigger a crisis. The challenge is to figure out a process to accommodate the crisis.

As separated parents we have an obligation to find solutions to those ‘life gets in the way’ happenings. The school year is an opportunity for parents to model for their child a cooperative relationship that demonstrates the parents’ love for their child- a love that survives all challenges on life’s journey.

Oh, For the Gift Again of a Little Summer Adventure on Father’s/Grandfather’s Day!

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent

It was Monday morning and I had decided to go to our office early. At mid-morning I spoke by phone to my daughter who informed me that she was going to take her youngest children to her mother’s cottage. She wondered if I wanted to see the two boys, then 18 months and nearly three, before they departed.

The oldest child upon my arrival moved quickly to get his sandals in anticipation of an adventure. The youngest was quietly observing his brother; soon his tears demanded that he be included in the outing. He did not need to worry!

Our little adventure was to return to what I have designated as our Park; a place for this writer of so many fond memories as a father and grandfather. Today my adult kids are more likely to fire off a gentle, verbal dig by reminding their dad of their childhood pleas: “We are too old for the swings and those animals have had better days”.

 The words ‘better days’ hurt the most as I reflected that like the park’s black bear of olden days, I too have seen better days.

As I set out, I realized that I am a fortunate grandpa to have a new, eager, ‘more grateful generation’ of children to mould to the joys of our family Park. So off we went with the oldest grandson identifying every farm and construction vehicle ever built by John Deere and Caterpillar. His little brother squealed and hummed to a selection of Itsy, Bitsy Spider.

We soon arrived at our destination and the ducks surrounded our car, impatiently awaiting grandpa’s liberation of their young friends from the shackles of car seats.

It was a beautiful morning, perfect temperature, and our Park was alive, as a gentle breeze spread the joyful and boisterous sounds of children, parents and grandparents creating new memories.

My oldest grandchild scurried down the winding path toward the peacocks and their rooster friends. He found them sunning themselves and preparing to entertain their little admirers. But for us this is a momentary stop along the way to our primary target, feeding the deer and the llama. What the heck is the plural for llama anyway? My oldest grandson knew the routine well. He tore at the longer strands of grass and carefully positioned each so the llama (?) that he calls camels would be satisfied.

The feeding exercise is always a little unnerving, even for an experienced grandpa. My daughter- for an unintended outcome- could revoke my day pass with the little ones i.e., animal teeth marks on my grandson’s feeding hand would likely lead to a cancellation of future outings.

 Mothers can be terribly protective!

These outings have a certain rhythm. Our yellow brick path always includes visiting our different friends- the miniature horses, goats and of course the fishpond. The return of the piglets this day provided an additional, scented delight as our path soon turned in front of the well-stocked, mini pond and waterfall.

Soon it was time to retrace our steps with warm farewells to each of our animal friends. I was in particularly good spirits because we had escaped a reprimand from the young park staff for feeding the llama/camels. In the past if the staff catches us, I always point at my young companion with the grass/feed in his hand as the culprit. They are rarely persuaded though and are intent on holding the gray-haired kid responsible. I suspect they figured out that I am the only kid old enough to read the posted signs.

                              DON’T FEED THE LLAMA

                           sometimes known as CAMELS.

To celebrate a joyful outing, I decided that ice cream was a necessary reward. We soon became three spoons competing selfishly for more than our share of a giant mound of vanilla ice cream. Finding the target for each spoonful seemed less important to the combatants than securing the biggest payload. Soon the giant mound was reduced to a few melted drops to be licked from the container. I leave the rest to your imagination.

It was time for the short trip home. As I secured the little ones into their seats, I remembered being so grateful for such a joyful experience, a gift that was not a certainty in our family’s life.

I was reminded of that truth as I initiated our departure toward our Park’s ring road. Passing in front of me were two, old friends. They are wonderful and loving parents and grandparents; yet they were pushed aside- made invisible grandparents by the family, separating process in this country.

The riches of my day embarrassed me at that moment.

As we approached the children’s home, I remembered wavering on whether to reveal that illegal, pre-lunch, celebratory ice cream thing to my daughter.  I realized that secrecy was unavailable when I spotted grandpa’s post ice cream cleanup had failed miserably.

The children ran to their mom’s open arms with wide smiles and evidence on their jerseys of their outing with grandpa. I knew from my daughter’s half smile that she was recalling her childhood outings many years earlier to our same family Park …and that vanilla ice cream was occasionally… well o.k. always dad’s way to conclude a wonderful adventure.

Father’s Day is about celebrating a dad’s love for their child and their child’s child which endures forever in every family form. That love should be cherished and valued every day. That is the only gift desired by the dads who have been inspirational in my life.

Have a joyful Father’s Day!

Open Letter: Personal Recovery

On By BarryIn Fathers, Mothers, Open Letter

Recovery

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental? The questions about personal recovery are never-ending, but important.

A Personal Story

I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and how we would tell our parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

I offer this anecdote because it is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out . . . eventually. Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In this site’s resources there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief—similar to the death of a loved one—may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

Resilience

Your resilience is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resilience will serve you well. Included in the readings are research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Going Forward

Included among our resources are book recommendations and personal stories that our 600+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal. Please take time to consider the resources on mental health and depression, as these things can have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace. Many of the resources available on this site are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting or relationship problems you have never before encountered. Support groups or educational seminars may provide similar understanding and a sense of comradery with fellow travelers on this journey of separation.

Books and resources can provide an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of your family’s life. I considered those books I encountered in my own journey to be lifesaving, for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium. I found comfort in learning that those things that were happening in my life had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

Parenting Responsibilities: A Code of Conduct Template

On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

The following is a sample template for a Code of Conduct for use in co-parenting:

The parents agree to the best of their ability to follow the code of conduct set out below in order to ensure that ____________ and   ____________  have the best opportunity to grow into happy, resilient and responsible young adults.

A New Family Bill of Rights (from Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House)

  • Each child has the right to have two homes where she is cherished and given the opportunity to develop normally.
  • Each child has the right to a meaningful, nurturing relationship with each parent.
  • Each parent and child has the right to call themselves a family regardless of how the parent’s time is divided.
  • Each parent has the responsibility and right to contribute to the raising of his or her child.
  • Each child has the right to competent parents and to be free from hearing, observing, or being part of their parents’ arguments or problems with one another.
  • Each parent has the right to his or her own private life and territory and to raise the children without unreasonable interference from the other parent.

What Kids Need To Hear (from Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis)

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with Mom and one with Dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them.
  • Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will not be asked to choose one parent over the other, to act as a messenger or as a spy.
  • They will not be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Parent 1:                                                                          Parent 2:

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