Author: Barry

Recovery beyond separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Parents

Where are you on road to recovery? What does the choice to separate feel like? Does it feel like a necessary, but difficult choice? Does it feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders now that your unhappiness is in the open? Are you feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by the decisions that have to be made? Do you feel like a failure as a parent, intimate partner and provider? Are you surprised by your partner’s reaction? How did the children react to the news? Did each child react very differently and as such display different parenting issues? Are your extended family and friends supportive or judgmental?

The questions are never ending.

A personal story: I thought that I was prepared for the separation. My children’s mother and I had a civil conversation about the separating process and telling parents and friends in a no-fault explanation. I had agreed (for no reason other than caretaking) to leave the matrimonial home – for a room in a friend’s parents’ home.

As soon as I started the 30-minute drive to my new place, I became desperate, lonely and overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I would describe myself normally as a rock, but the next day as I drove past a swamp on my left it took everything not to swerve off the road. It was the first time in my life that I had such dark thoughts. That troubled moment has remained in my memory for 30 years.

Separating and separating by leaving your children and family home is an experience that we are ill-prepared for no matter our gender or our position on separating.

 I offer this anecdote because situational depression is a common experience.

It is important that a plan is in place for future, sharing/spending time with your children before leaving the home. DO NOT ASSUME that it will all be worked out…eventually.

Recovery is more difficult for a parent who is not seeing or assured that they will be with their children on a predictable, regular schedule, sooner than later. Consider a mediator or another suitable professional to work out an interim parenting plan prior to anyone leaving the family home, if possible.

In the Resource Hub, there are readings that may meet where you are in the separating process. Dealing with the different stages of grief-similar to the death of a loved one- may be the best starting point. Many authors focus on the journey that most separated parents go through in some way.

Read our post about Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee’s book What about the Kids – a good place to start re: the personal impact of a separation.

Try to find readings that provide spiritual renewal and pragmatic, self-help steps. Moving toward recovery can be slow moving. There are always unexpected, unprepared for triggering events that set us back; recovery is about acquiring the tools that make you more resilient.

Your resiliency is perhaps the most important gift that you can showcase to your children. Resiliency will serve you well.

Included in the Resource Hub is research on the prevalence of depression for fathers and mothers going through a separation. Remember, for many parents the separation often follows many months, even years, of feeling low or worse. Many parents experience what is called situational depression – depression directly triggered by the separation and the many negative outcomes that are directly related.

The most significant of these outcomes are almost always connected to the challenges faced in every important relationship.

Please read the articles related to depression for they have direct consequences upon your children and your workplace.

Many of the readings offered are intended to inspire or to awaken us to the changes taking place in every intimate, family relationship. There is going to be a great deal on your plate for some time, and many will be parenting, or relationship problems never encountered.

I found in 2 or 3 key books an understanding of what was going on in the chaos of my family’s life. I considered those books to be lifesaving for they provided insight that cut through the chaos and restored some form of equilibrium.

I found comfort that what I thought was happening, had happened to many others. It didn’t always solve the specific issues, but it removed doubt about my own sanity and what I was facing going forward. That was very important!

The Resource Hub includes recommended books and personal stories that our 800+ clients found to be supportive in their journey to personal survival and even family renewal.

Featured

Telling the Children

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children

Our experience working with over 600 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing so:

  • they hate tough conversations
  • they worry it may lead to tears or fighting
  • they are feeling a sense of failure
  • they wish to avoid open parental conflict
  • they assume the children probably know
  • they feel ill prepared
  • etc., etc.

Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy, and not talking to your child(ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. As parents you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can. To do this, you need to work together to  prepare a plan for how to inform your children while also anticipating their fears and questions.

The joint concepts of a no-fault divorce and family renewal are valuable tools as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation. Together, you can use these concepts to prepare a script to help you navigate the emotional and often unpredictable family conference with a common goal: helping your family to heal and grow through the changes to come.

Common Questions by Children:

  1. Where will we kids live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener some may seem to be simply a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or rip the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term. It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period of time. This is what I call the mutual no-fault explanation or the mutual both parties at fault explanation. Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long-run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach.

This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your now changing family!

How to get started about talking to your kids about the break-up

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

Talking to your children about separating or breaking up is hard to do!

The end of an intimate relationship is often messy; the end of an intimate relationship with children is messy and complicated at best, gut wrenching and devastating at worst.

The decision to end an intimate relationship with children triggers difficult conversations. Unfortunately, for many intimate relationships difficult conversations have been deferred for months, even years. Anger may have replaced caring and support.

Either or both partners may be damaged, wounded, and vulnerable from the loss of caring and goodwill.

The reason for a separation is generally (except for DV) irrelevant to the legal process. The legal concept of no-fault divorce is/was an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. The good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is however a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law, mainly re: the costs.

In an earlier section, I requested that each parent assess their current emotional well-being as they enter this most important, joint initiative of explaining the separating to the children.

You must be prepared for these critical conversations with your children. The no-fault concept is a valuable tool as you enter the unfamiliar world of separation.   

Telling the Children

Our experience working with over 800 parents finds that telling the children about the breaking up in a meaningful and purposeful way is rarely done. Parents find many excuses for NOT doing; a) hate tough conversations; b) may lead to more tears or fighting; c) sense of failure; d)  a desire to avoid open, parental conflict; e) unnecessary, children probably know; f) ill prepared; g) etc.

Not talking to your child (ren) is a serious misstep in the long term. Stumbling about is not an effective parenting strategy. As parents, you want to mitigate their fears, insecurity and uncertainty as best as you can.

“This is your opportunity to be the parent you wish to be at a time when you may feel like a failure as a parent. It is the first and most important step toward family renewal for your changing family”! (Kids n Dad)

At the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover the ever-elusive calm from the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent.

Renewal is about optimism for what is achievable. The alternative is simply survival and to live life in an out of chaos, often for years or even a lifetime.

Renewal is doable provided each parent truly takes ownership for what I have discovered from our support for separating parents; namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm the above statement, they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

 Your question to every professional:

 ‘Do you (professional) have the tools to support our family through the chaos and anger, so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families… forever?

N.B. Read the essay by an adult child of a family separation. Included are several comments by children and parents from a split family. I found her essay poignant and profoundly sad!

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference.

a) Remember the no-fault approach.

b) Each parent must do their own assessment prior to a family conference re: the challenges facing each child. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc.

 There is an impact on every child in every stage of life- please understand this fact.

See the different parenting sections in the resources!

c) Once the above step has been done, the parents should compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. The previous step help parents begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.

d) Initially consider the broad strokes of an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions must be answered/explained. A parent who suddenly disappear does not support shared parenting.

An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. This is a trial agreement. Our resources offer ideas on a practical parenting plan and a short-term, financial plan for paying the bills. Be flexible, based on the feedback from the children.

e) The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics – Scary and somewhat unpredictable!

  1. If possible, do the conference together (Coloroso)- take as much time as necessary. You have developed a no-fault plan (script) anticipating possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations, where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no fault concept.

b) If possible, do the explanation conference a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.

c) Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.

d) Often, your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison.

Children generally choose an intact family over separation.

e) Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and may enter the family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating may have started months earlier by one parent, and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children.

Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.

f) At the conference, the opportunity exists to remind the children that the family continues in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change, but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.

g) The atmosphere that you create in the meeting allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions. The family meeting provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.

 h)  If the children are quiet (very possible), anticipate questions that are unasked.

 i) Plan a second meeting within a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable. Some of the initial discussion will simply have been a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.

j)   Take a moment to assess your sense of the conference and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.

k)) Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.

 l)  Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see, hear and imagine everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents and isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is more going on inside the child.

Questions to be answered from the practical to questions without an answer.

  1. For some time going forward, every problem with a child may ‘feel’ like it is a consequence of the separation. Remember that intact families have lots of problems. Your changed family life is more complicated for every family relationship; but you are still a parent and have a family.
  2. The way that you tell the children and set in motion the actual on the ground changes provides a building block- a foundation for what comes next and next and next.

Common Questions by Children.

  1. Where will we live?
  2. Where will mom live? Where will dad live?
  3. Who will keep me safe?
  4. Will we go to the same school?
  5. Who gets the dog?
  6. Will we see grandma and grandpa?
  7. Will we be poor?
  8. Who will take care of me when I am sick?
  9. Who will take me to piano lessons?
  10. When will I see mom or dad?
  11. Who will sign my permission slips and my report card?

Older children may be more pointed!

  1. Why?
  2. Why can’t you work it out?
  3. How could you just stop loving her/him?
  4. How am I going to be able to go to university?

b) Explaining the reason for separating is often very difficult.

There are so many possibilities and for the listener may seem to be a lame excuse and for others perfectly acceptable.

 The most difficult explanation could be infidelity. Do you ignore the question or tear into the other parent? The following is offered by Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids.

‘If you have the courage to do so, simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more; and they cannot live together anymore. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.

Finding an acceptable framework for explaining the separating is helpful in the long-term.  It allows you to confine your anger or guilt so that it doesn’t damage your day to day parenting. An explanation that I found helpful is that ‘as intimate partners we stopped taking care of each other over a prolonged period’. 

This is what I call the mutual, no-fault explanation or the mutual, both parties at fault explanation.  Good people, good parents, who tried their best together; and hopefully will do their best as parents going forward. My experience is that my children appreciated my approach in the long run.

Is it Ever Too Late to Tell the Children?

It is never too late to tell the children with the no-fault approach. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the cause of their failed, intimate relationship.

 Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation.

This doesn’t mean they were the cause-only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

 There is a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children.

The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference.

 Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Closing Comments

Barbara Coloroso (Parenting through Crisis) provides a list of what kids (your kids) need to hear. They are offered as a guide at the beginning of your family’s difficult journey to renewal in two homes.

Children need to hear:

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with mom and one with dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them. Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will never be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Every section in this site is intended to support you in your effort to love your children, ahead of your feelings of hurt, anger, loss and despair.

Telling the children launches your family into uncertain territory, where every relationship is under stress and risk. This may not feel like a step forward, but if done together within the no-fault framework, you have taken a step toward family recovery in a two home setting.

What Matters Becomes Clear…Hopefully: Parenting and the pandemic

On By BarryIn Parents

‘…there is no mystery of human behavior that cannot be solved inside your head or your heart.’

Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

A recent article in the Globe and Mail (‘Pandemic complicates parental-access battles’ April 11, 2020) suggest lawyers are busier than ever as separated parents clash over changing custody orders for their children.

The renewed conflict rests on failed logic by mothers and fathers; namely, that dads are incapable of providing a safe environment for their children; and mothers, who work in health care, service industries, etc., are a high risk to their children.

Mothers and fathers place paramount importance on the safety of their children!

Parents seeking to change parenting orders already have existing mom’s home/dad’s home, care arrangements, and safety was a settled matter. The parent seeking a change is ‘using’ the judicial system to deliver a blow to the heart of the child’s other parent.

Parenting trust, that is hard earned and always a work in progress following separation, falls victim, and there is a return to chaos and uncertainty for children, parents and grandparents.

The family disruption from the 2007-08 financial crisis was a forerunner to the COVID-19 crisis for separated families. The loss of employment, and income reduced to E.I. resulted in conflict over child support and extraordinary expenses for a child’s activities.

The out of work parent often attempts to cobble together part-time employment that is temporary with unpredictable hours. Parenting schedules for many families were disrupted, at a time when flexibility and reassurance was necessary more than ever.

For children and parents to remain connected in a crisis, there must be recognition of the challenges that threaten changed families. This is not easy, for many separated parents lost positive communication prior to and since ending their intimate relationship.

However, the parenting agreement provides guardrails through the terms of co-parenting for the unexpected ‘life getting in the way’ crisis.

COVID-19 has been from the outset a financial and care of child(ren) crisis. Most separated families have a parent(s) facing loss of income from a prolonged layoff, business closings, and the lack of alternative employment.

Parents are now available or less available in mom’s house and dad’s house, at a time when everyone feels at risk. Grandparents, who may play a significant role in childcare or simply by being available as needed, are the most at-risk population.

Adversarial legal actions, described by a local lawyer as ‘blood-sport’, consistently fail to build integral parenting relationships. Decision-making now is being forfeited by parents, who have common goals, namely: to love, protect and be an integral, lifelong parent.

The Law Commission of Ontario (2010) study found that users (you and I) of Family Law asserted that too often solvable problems became unsolvable outcomes. In other words, the outcomes were not just benign, but often made matters more difficult, often for a lifetime.

It is difficult to imagine a worst case scenario for disruption and human loss than the COVID-19 crisis. But the cliché about life being too short has never been more appropriate for separated families. 

Solvable or unsolvable outcomes (2020) for separated parents rest in their ‘heads and hearts’, and the commitment made when they became a mom or dad. In truth (consider for a moment here), the same commitment was made by each parent on the day they separated and created two homes.

Going to Court resurrects the common fear in both parents that they are going lose their child to the other parent.

COVID-19 offers parents an opportunity to model the kind of relationship that our children need and deserve.

 Respectful conversations built on flexibility and maximizing parenting opportunities are rewarded with children not being caught in a destructive, tug of war. Goodwill and trust are built, not lost, by expanding the parenting guardrails.

The parenting dialogue is initiated by; a) providing the other parent with each other’s safety plan and ideas to make each parent and child comfortable; b) engaging in give and take exchanges about the structure of the child’s day that begins with school instruction, technology usage and enrichment activities; c) each parent creating or expanding on an activity that is their special ‘thing with their child; d) providing an opportunity for the parent and child to enjoy face-time, check-in every day, when they do not have their child;

Separated families are going to be severely tested over child support, extraordinary expenses, and parenting arrangements.  Finding ways to engage the other parent in child focused ways is an opportunity to be the parents you wish to be and leads to a more peaceful approach to settle issues from the pandemic’s fall-out.

It is a choice!

‘Your relationship is only measured by how much your child feels your love, your commitment, and what you’re able to bring to that relationship.’ (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Please provide FEEDBACK re: ideas, activities, activities, problems, frustrations, good news stories, etc., that we could share more broadly to support other families in a Mom’s Home, Dad’s Home.

Our Kids Matter

On By BarryIn After Separation, legal

Article by Barry Lillie, published in The Record, April 2014 as Insight Essay.  (References to further articles removed)

Twenty three years ago this month, I embarked on the most unpredictable and life-changing journey of my life – a separation with children after nearly 25 years of marriage. 

I had every expectation that the separation would be cooperative.  My first day absent from the children and the family home soon found me in a desperate state.  My thoughts were dark.  The next day my oldest daughter (I have 3 children) chose to live with me outside of the family home.

Her choice was perhaps a lifesaving decision. 

Eventually it was time to take the “normal” next step and hire a lawyer to formalize what appeared to be taking place on the ground and so my long, close-up education re. the legal system formally commenced. 

In the past I had only hired a lawyer for two real estate transaction and a will.  In these instances, the lawyers were professional and competent.  I had every expectation (blind trust) that this would continue. 

Four family law lawyers and three years later I had a less favourable set of experiences. 

Lawyer #1 (an acquaintance – good guy) was disbarred for unrelated matters (to my case).  One day he was working; the next day he became a non-person and invisible. 

My file was turned over to lawyer #2 who seemed OK.  Our family situation had become more difficult and dangerous now and the need for competency was important.  Unfortunately this lawyer soon became my “hit and miss” lawyer – one that promises to do things but consistently fails to execute on their commitment.  Lawyer #2 (personal problems) also soon became a non-person and invisible. 

Lawyer #3 was discovered through a blind search of the Yellow Pages.  The lawyer in this case is what I would describe as the “killer” lawyer.  He played hardball and given my earlier experiences he made me fell good and poor all at once.  Of course, the difficulty with killer lawyers is that they bring out the killer lawyer opposite.  They can create more differences, more litigation and more fees and then you run out of money.  Soon the path to any conclusion seemed even mor tenuous and remote. 

I can remember that when I decided to terminate our “relationship” that lawyer #3 slammed my files onto the desk in anger; the action confirmed my decision. 

Lawyer #4 was essentially selected in a similar fashion to #3.  He turned out to be competent, honest and go figure (?) too busy.  Eventually he was persuaded to arrange a sit down with the side opposite and in one three-hour session with proper support in the room and agreement was made.  Relief, emptiness and hope were my companions as I left that room.  A legal process that had begun with sadness (sense of loss and failure) and naivete (expectation) had ended 3 years later with the unintended outcome of damaged family relationships everywhere I looked.  The question remained – was the damage reversible? 

Eventually I filed a complaint (after “calm” was restored) to the Law Society of Upper Canada re: lawyer #2 specifically and my experience with their profession in general.  I was going to “educate” them about their failings.  After some months I was given an audience before their review committee and even more months later I received a letter denying any wrongdoing – apparently my experience was in the dull to normal range. 

In my work with over 500 clients through Kids ‘n’ Dad I observe and hear stories re the work of the legal profession.   I am asked for recommendations.  I have had many positive experiences with Family Law lawyers and often make referrals based on positive experiences of clients.   

Competency guarantees very little in the current legal model that claims to be all about the “best interest of the child”; incompetency adds so many layers of damage that a return to any degree of family normalcy almost surely required divine intervention. 

As an aside, the best interests of my children were neve mentioned, let alone advocated by lawayers 1 – 4.  My family was invisible!

Why it matters?

Twenty-three years later most of my week days begin by taking my three and four year year old grandchildren (the boys) to homecare and JK.  I then often journey to my other daughters’ home for joyful moments with my 21-month old granddaughter.  On a really good day I drive my almost 16 year old granddaughter to dance.  As she leaves and says, “thank you Grandpa”, my eyes always mist over. 

Every parent and grandparent who had come close to losing all of these beautiful outcomes understands my reaction.  We know too well that a broken Family Law process can destroy family relationships forever. 

My journey is of course my journey.  But after seeing and working with several hundred families, I know that there is a common thread that connects separating/separated families.  They are in desperate need for timely support to renew their families, if necessary, in a changed form.

I am the lucky dad and grandparent.  By chance (I purposely employ that word) I made it twenty-three years later to a good place even though every significant relationship was wounded.  My parents, my children’s grandparents, were victims of the chaos and never had the opportunity (time) to make it through to our family’s renewal.  They suffered life-ending strokes that prematurely robbed my children of loving, caring and supportive grandparents. 

I feel guilty at describing myself to as being lucky.  When I went to Lawyer #1, little did I know that every relationship that mattered would be at risk – children, extended family, close friends, etc.

Remember these are simply my insights as I travelled from a world (married with children) that I understood only to enter a legal world where is seems that more energy is put into limiting/eliminating parenting and grand parenting than ensuring these important human assets to children. 

We have too many compassionate talented professionals to continue to tolerate the outcomes that face separating families. 

Article by Barry Lillie, published in The Record, April 2014 as Insight Essay.  (References to further articles removed)

An open letter to separating parents on preserving all the essential relationships that help children thrive

On By BarryIn Grandparent, Holidays

There is something ultimate in a father’s love, something that cannot fail, something to be beloved against the whole world.

– Frederick Faber, priest

Lost in the hype of Father’s Day is the continuous, diminishing of the importance of a dad, unless it is within the intact family. The post, intact family role for a dad becomes essentially conditional to the mother’s commitment to shared parenting. A mother’s opposition leads to others becoming arbiters to whether a dad is parent-worthy to their OWN children and to what extent.

 It is an insidious system and even mediation and collaborative processes suggest outside decision-makers make judgments, usually about a dad’s parenting value. There is no guiding principle that states that both parents and grandparents shall share parenting in the post-separation family.

This Father’s Day, I decided to write about my journey as a separated dad and the cost to my parents-grandparents to five.

The face of our web site portrays my then 3- year old granddaughter and I on the Gulf of Mexico, sharing with several hundred other families from every family form an awe inspiring moment. I know that my father and gramps were holding hands with Mollie and I; and that getting this separating process right is a MUST for the Mollies and Timothies everywhere- for they become parents and grandparents too.

A second, attached resource has some overlap with the original essay; it is my personal journey with my parents, grandparents to five, from the moment of my separation.

My hope is that there are experiences and lessons that helps your family in some way. You are not alone in your journey.

Grandparents: The Forgotten Story of Family Separation and Divorce

I’ve come to realize, though, that it’s best for kids to spend plenty of time with both mom and dad. It’s best if both parents are very involved in day-to-day parenting, and its best to put the needs of kids ahead of the parents needs or desires…”

– Jennifer L.W. Fink, Wisconsin from Building Boys

 Ms. Fink, mother of two boys once rejected any notion of shared parenting following her separation.  Five years later following the Court imposition (‘plenty of time’) of Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting legislation, she is grateful not just for her children, but also for having dad as a parenting partner.

 She succinctly captures her personal transformation: “My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.”

Stella Kavoukian, a mediator-therapist outlined a path for separating parents: “Kids do as well as their parents do. We are their role models. The better that parents are able to communicate and resolve issues, the better the kids will be able to manage their own relations throughout life.”

An essential test of a good parenting plan following a separation is how the agreement preserves all the essential relationships that help children thrive through the years and become happy and resilient young adults, fully capable of entering loving relationships.

Namely: Do you send your child to the other parent and their extended family with your blessing and encouragement to have a joyful time?

 “Giving your permission to your child to love and be loved by the other parent and grandparents is a lifelong gift that is far greater than the ‘things’ we purchase!”

I have reached the age of my father, when my family separation took place. I can remember as if yesterday the chaos and piercing grief that became part of my parents’ daily life. Their relationship with my three children became intermittent at best and special, ‘happy occasions’ were almost always filled with loss and sadness. They were caring parents and grandparents (good people, not perfect) who created special, lifelong memories for their grandchildren. A separation process without end left them wounded for the remainder of their lives.

Humanizing the separating process became my life mission.

Recently, my youngest daughter commented on a grandfather that she knows who is not seeing his grandchild.  She wondered aloud that she couldn’t imagine how I would have survived if I had faced the same outcome. I don’t know the answer to be truthful.

 Barbara Coloroso calls the struggle the piercing grief of loss. Fortunately for this writer, estrangement over the years was only temporary and intermittent; but the fear of loss and the fragility of relationships have remained a lifelong companion. I don’t believe that it ever completely disappears from our being, once experienced.

I witness today the exclusion of grandparents (most often paternal) from grandchildren in often the most egregious ways. The word ‘indifferent’ inadequately describes the time given by legal and social service professionals to grandparents and their significance to children and grandchildren of all ages. I often view parenting agreements from clients and rarely, if ever, have I read a parenting document outlining, let alone insisting on ‘the good intention’ to include the grandparents from both extended families.

The Ontario legislature passed a Bill that gave grandparents the opportunity to seek a legal remedy, when they are blocked from their grandchildren. This option may be a possibility for grandparents, when the dad has faded away or simply surrendered to the grief and loss of a failing process. We shall see how this works out.

However, the most productive way of preventing the loss of grandparenting is to ensure that the ‘best interests of the child’ include all the essential loving, committed relationships in each child’s life.

An after the fact legal remedy by a grandparent is doubtful at best, for most grandparents have experienced the devastating and costly consequences of the legal system through their child’s separation. They too have become worn out by their child’s experience within the system, and the thought of repeating this same nightmarish journey emotionally and financially with no certainty, is simply too great a risk.

As one of our grandparents so clearly stated some years ago: ‘the family justice system has lost the right to use the word ‘justice’.

Paternal grandparents disproportionally suffer from the aftershock of their son’s family separation. Fathers are more likely to face reduced parenting time with their children and the challenges that such parenting arrangements present for strengthening and sustaining, enduring father-child bonds. Grandparent-grandchild bonds must be sustained often through the parenting opportunities of their child.

Paternal grandparents are often caught in what I have identified as the quadruple whammy, namely:

 a) Losing often a special relationship with their daughter-in-law (in long-term marriages they have become a ‘daughter’);

b) Remaining a loyal support to their son and caught in his despair and loss of parenting time;

 c) Grandparents may also be divided on what needs to be done- loyalty to their son or going around their son to retain a relationship with their grandchildren;

d) In many instances, the paternal grandparents may have been the key support to the parents and children in the intact family.

Our failure to demand inclusive outcomes for families, leaves children often on the outside of one side of their family, for no reason. In allowing this to occur, children lose what Ms. Fink described as ‘integral’ relationships- necessary to the completing of the whole of each child- the role of each parent and grandparent.

Grandparents contribute to integral relationships by providing:

1) The continuity of the family- for a child to understand their roots.

2) Modelling the personality/values/character of their families and as a consequence the child’s own identity.

 3) Children knowing they are loved, unconditionally.

 4) Provide a place of calm that is less involved in the day to day upbringing and more focused on just being there.

5)   Real poverty is unlikely and a source for enhanced opportunities are a trademark of grandparents.  

6)  Their involvement provide parenting experience and advice for parents.

7) By being a source of emotional support for parents and grandchildren in troubled times.

Father’s Day, for this writer, is a reminder of the lifelong gift of knowing that I was loved forever, through whatever by my father and grandfather. That ultimate gift is what I ‘hope’ I have offered to my children and grandchildren in my imperfect way. It is what every healthy parent in an intact family or a family born out of loss and new beginnings desires/hopes to give to their children.

I have lived through my own family miracle as a separated dad. That miracle/good fortune has allowed me to be a day- to- day grandfather. Most days I take my two grand boys to school and after the farewell hug, smile and wave, my eyes often go misty. I think my reaction is ridiculous after so many years; yet, it serves as a daily reminder of the uncertain gift of being a dad and grandfather.

“We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body.” (Poet: Ralph Waldo Emerson)

This past week, I reconnected with four childhood chums from grade one through high school some 65 years ago. Stories were told that were embellished to the point of being unrecognizable. Good times from 60 years ago were joyfully recalled as yesterday. But what I took away in the end was our common commitment, love and support as a dad and grandparent.

As Kyle Lowry simply stated in the Toronto Sun: “But…fatherhood. that changed everything.”

 When I attend Christmas concerts or JK graduations, I am always touched by the love and joy of parents and grandparents from every background, connected as one, by our common mission of completing in the best way possible the whole of our child and grandchild. (See School Essays)

Events such as these constantly reaffirm my faith that parent and grandparent love has the capacity to overcome temporary anger between separating, intimate partners, when the right, supportive resources are in place.

A second open letter to parents beginning a complicated blended family

On By BarryIn After Separation, Open Letter

A great deal is written about blended families. I often employ the adjective ‘complicated’ to understand the creation and early journey of this new family – almost always founded from loss and hope.

Many of you may be wondering why I keep emphasizing ‘complicated’?

Take a moment and consider all the relationships that are likely affected. The decision to marry for the first time was straightforward- a decision almost totally based on the relationship between the intimate partners. Concern about the impact on others is rarely at the forefront.

 Many of us who enter new intimate relationships may have no experience or understanding of this ‘complicated’ family form. The breakdown of our marriage, especially one with children, often scared us initially from ever entering another committed relationship. In addition, the high breakdown rate warns us that there are inherent risks that come with new, complicated families. The phrase ‘eyes wide open’ captures the best counsel that can be given.

The quotations offered by Ms. Coloroso provide an important perspective; namely, that every family form is legitimate and has similar aspirations. Consider her excerpt. A theme of the FRRP is about focusing on today and future days, weeks, months and years.

 Each new day going forward is an opportunity for your children and you.

“I often in my own life was bogged down by the chaos and uncertainty of the separating process and failed to focus on the opportunity and legitimacy of my new family as a single dad and later in a blended family.” – Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad  

An example: My blended family

Below is an outline of my new, complicated family, designed to provide a real-life example of the complicated nature of new families.

  • My family of origin was relatively uncomplicated i.e. parents who remained together and an older brother.
  • The family of origin that was created by my marriage included three children, two who were adopted as infants. The complications began with the breakdown of my intimate relationship with children.
  • My oldest daughter and son in law separated- their only daughter was just starting school. My ex-wife and I had separated 9 years earlier and had since remarried.
  •  There were two stepchildren in my daughters’ mother’s remarriage.
  • Of course, there were numerous other extended family relationships through our remarriages. Two of my adolescent children lived mainly with their mother initially and thus with their stepbrother and stepsister. My oldest daughter lived with me mostly. The separation had split the children’s homes, but her mother’s stepchildren were also my oldest daughter’s stepbrother and sister.
  • My daughter had been adopted at two months of age. She had met her biological mother in early adulthood and established a caring relationship with her and a relationship with her birth mother’s family.
  • My granddaughter now had three sets of grandparents in the area and a grandmother (her mother’s biological mother).
  • My daughter remarried and became an everyday parent to a stepson. The two oldest kids had to figure out the new home, the new parent and new grandparents etc. while trying to understand what was happening again to their lives.
  • My daughter and new son-in-law, in time, had two children.
  • My son in law’s parents had separated when he was at a very young age, and he had been raised with his brother by his mother and his stepdad. Because of his young age at the time of the separation, the stepfather was the day-to-day, other parent. His father lived across the country but remained supportive and connected.
  • The birth father became more connected to his sons following the loss of their mother. He was remarried and had partnered in raising two stepchildren. We now have the entry of the original three sets of grandparents. including two step grandparents; a birth grandmother, a step grandmother and grandfather, a grandfather; my daughter’s stepson also has a birth mother and new family with several children and grandparents- I count 6 sets or solo grandparents in his life.
  • TAKE A MOMENT AND DO YOUR OWN FAMILY FLOW CHART! WHAT ARE THE IMPACTFUL RELATIONSHIPS? Etc.

Observation: In its complicated way, it works like any other family!

 It is worthy of a flow chart; but the danger at printing one is that it would soon be out of date. Obviously, within these relationships some are more intimate/significant than others.

 The intimacy of the relationship may vary with each individual and come from surprising sources.

 A simple point: New ‘second’, ‘subsequent’ ‘blended’ families are very ‘COMPLICATED’ and it is easy enough for a child or parent or stepparent to feel ignored, abandoned, angry, deprived, etc. It is like a work in progress.

Parenting, in these families begins usually with little, joint history, is challenging and our mission to try and ensure our children feel that they belong i.e. feel included in each home and each family demands understanding. Just think for a moment about an 8-year child, who spends 4 nights every 14 days in her dad’s home with his new partner and her three children.

 How does this child feel included and not simply a visitor in their other home?

I recommend that you read a Globe and Mail article: After my parents divorced… and listen to this young woman give voice to her feelings. Our focus must be on creating smooth transition to new families- single or blended/complicated. Our obligation is to create a process and network of support services to successfully accomplish this transition.

Generally, the relationships that are of greatest consequence are between the members of the immediate, blended family and the other immediate family that share some daily, parenting partnership. The parents and stepparents set the tone and determine if their children are going to feel accepted/included in both homes.

Common Issues

Since it is almost impossibleto examineevery complicated relationship without giving both of us a headache, the next section will focus on hopefully the larger issues that help your new intimate relationship build an inclusive family.

“Remarriage is an art. It requires more self-understanding than most relationships, as well as insight into the past that keeps an eye on the future.”

– Benjamin Schlesinger, social work professor

Included in the resources is an essay about my new, complicated family and our journey and the changing face of Christmas.

As a separated dad, I admit being a slow learner for I had not yet read Coloroso’s wise words about the legitimacy of my new family. The more I read on this topic, the wiser I am (hopefully).

The start of my new, complicated family was born ‘from unsettled loss, chaos and hope’. It was not an ideal way to start. I had three children in late teens and early 20’s. My new partner had no children, and this was her first marriage. It was just short of three years after the separation. As blended families go it was relatively ‘simple’.

Unsettled loss and chaos can quickly challenge/test that hope thing!

Every relationship that I had with my children felt as if it was at risk at the time of our actual marriage (my second/her first). My oldest daughter had just re-engaged with us; my youngest daughter was vulnerable; and my son (oldest) was navigating his way through complicated feelings toward each parent – he failed to attend the actual wedding ceremony.

This brings about a major complication i.e. feelings of the stepparent to the other parent’s children. As stated, my new wife had no children; therefore, I had no step parenting adjustment to make. I only had an expectation that my children were now her children as well, and that love for them was the ‘natural outcome’. It was supposed to be like my experience at adopting my infant son and daughter at two months of age i.e. immediate and breathtaking.

My expectations were unrealistic for my new partner and for my children.

Step parenting from the ashes of loss and chaos or through continuing loss and chaos is a long journey and requires more experiences between the new parenting/human relationships. Recognizing this reality can lead to developing strategies/opportunities to take steps toward each other. Failing to do so can lead to difficult relationship problems.

 Remember the earlier article where the young woman never felt at home in either home. She was in limbo- a too common experience for children from a separated family.

The new, intimate relationship may be challenged when the new parent’s relationship with the stepchildren remains at arm’s length. For the new stepparent, the sense of being judged for their honest feelings can be difficult to accept, especially in ‘their own home’. It is a potentially toxic issue.

Fathers are more likely to be living with stepchildren full-time and their ‘biological’ children part-time. This leads to more pressure on the dad and by the dad to make his parenting time successful in every opportunity. It applies pressure on the new intimate partner to make each parenting occasion a success- actually perfect. It is a difficult way to begin or live in a new relationship.

The step parenting role has many voices (besides mine) that assert boldly ‘rules’ that should be followed to be ‘successful’. One rule limits the stepparent’s role in disciplining a stepchild in the new home-even when they may discipline the child in the same way they would discipline their birth child in their home.

Our experience with KND families dealing with counselling or assessments by F&CS or the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) suggest an unrecognized bias that maintains myths about these families that can smother caring parenting within the complicated family. These bodies may be geared to make reports/recommendations that accommodate the prevailing approach of the courts over what is best for the child and family in the longer term i.e. a lifetime.

 New partner families, where a dad has reduced parenting time, face professional obstacles based not on research findings.

A small Australian report found that most judges do not know whether their decisions produced beneficial outcomes for children and families. Instead, we are stuck with the courts and their related advisors doing the same things that most families agree create additional obstacles for blended, complicated families.

There are a lot of different messages/concerns in this common advice. Consider with your new partner on how you would handle this common situation? How would you feel about two sets of parenting strategies? How would each child feel? Can you build an inclusive home with two different set of expectations every 4-5 days out of 14? How serious a problem to your relationship is this situation? Do you feel that your relationship as the biological parent or stepparent is at risk?

These needed conversations can help you find a framework for future parenting and the myriads of situations. My advice is that there may be situations where you may accept (both parties) solutions that may be less than perfect.

A common situation could centre on parents’ night at the stepchild’s school. The stepparent decides not to attend i.e. the child’s other parent will be there-a mom or dad- and the choice made is based on the hassle for everyone. Does this decision make sense? Is the stepparent recognizing a reasonable boundary or ‘voluntarily’ pushing their self off the end of the parenting bench? Should the child’s ‘natural’ parent accept the decision or do everything possible to insist that their partner play a full role in the child’s life i.e. actively demonstrate their full participation in their stepchild’s life?

 How many similar situations face a stepparent e.g. Xmas concerts, children’s activities, medical concerns, etc. What are the consequences of avoiding similar settings?

My wife and I often faced similar decisions in our complicated family with my almost adult children. It was difficult for us to navigate. Eventually, we had to decide to find a balance for what we did, without making it a negative step for ‘building’ relationships between children and their new, ‘other’ family. The outcome (building or not) has consequences for the children’s children as well. It is a critical issue and requires an open conversation between new partners.

I am not a big believer that decisions are either right or wrong. I do know that blended families with unending complicated relationships need to find a process to make comfortable decisions intended to strengthen their belief in each other, as a partner and co-parents.

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

Consider question for for separating parents and now for complicated families – do your choices move you to a more inclusive set of family relationships or creates more obstacles to inclusiveness?

For more on this topic, see the Resource Hub. A few relevant articles:

Money matters and separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal

Note: The following was written a few years ago and as such resources may be difficult to find; however, the subject matter/issues remain. Use the different sections to find more recent articles. The legal section also include information re: financial obligations.

Reality Check!

Two homes cost more than one home! Family income is unlikely to change in the short or medium future. The initial weeks and months are likely even more expensive and may lead to rising debt levels for most separating families. A lack of civil discourse or cooperation may delay the urgent need to change financial habits.

Another common characteristic for many couple breakdowns is overspending in the months leading up to the actual separation. Money issues in the intact family are a leading cause for a relationship to end.

Listed below are a number of topics and resources intended to spotlight the different financial concerns  confronting almost every parent and their family.

Financial woes often contribute to marriage breakdown. Statistics suggest many couples begin family life in debt. Life with children is expensive and debt and managing debt is often an ongoing concern and a cause for conflict. It is unsurprising that in separating, conflict over money is a continuing saga.

Before separation points to consider

Separation with children and two homes triggers for many separated couples a journey  from manageable debt to ever-increasing and often unmanageable day to day debt. Most middle and upper, middle class, intact families spend to the limit of their joint income. Most during their child rearing years were content with savings only in some form of pension and hopefully an increasing asset in their home.

These main assets are often tied up or unavailable for some time during the separating, legal process. Reading and understanding the legal impact on the financial side of separating is important for both parties.

Some articles to consider before and during separation

  1. Top 6 marriage-killing Money Issues (Investopedia)
  2. 5 Ways Your Partner Can Ruin Your Credit (Forbes)
  3. Getting divorced? Five steps to get your finances back on track. (Globe and Mail)
  4. What financial experts wish you knew about divorce (Globe and Mail)

Late in life separations

Late in life separations are more common today. A well-planned for retirement can be turned upside down when one or both parties choose to end the marriage. Often children are no longer at home; but may or may not be launched into work life. Adult children may turn for financial support at a time when parents feel guilty about their late in life separation.

Many 50+ age separating parents still have children in expensive post-secondary education and graduate programs. In the middle of a previously, certain trajectory of financial support an unexpected wrench is thrown into the mix. For many couples the assets are again a pension plan and home equity. The home based equity has often been eroded by borrowing from the asset to pay off borrowing in the intact family.

In many cases only one parent has a full pension plan and the equity in the home may vary widely. Many parents find their long-term financial plans must begin anew. Separations rarely time the market or housing at peak valuation. Women, depending on their circumstances, may find themselves with fewer resources; more specifically some may need to acquire the skill set to manage their own financial affairs. In addition one of the partners may enter a separation unaware of their financial position.

Resources on later in life separations

  1. Rising ‘grey divorce’ rates create financial havoc for seniors. (Globe and Mail)
  2. What to do when a midlife divorce derails retirement planning (Globe and Mail)
  3. From down payments to tuition, later-in-life divorces affecting plans to support adult children (Globe and Mail)
  4. I’ve seen people cleaned out: Divorce later in life (Financial Post)
  5. A divorce behind him and no company pension (National Post)
  6. Downsized: How a late-career job loss can derail retirement plans (Globe and Mail)

The Legal Section provides supportive materials on legal obligations re: child support, spousal support, extraordinary expenses, equalization, etc. The following resources are offered as common issues/questions that may be relevant in many separations at some time. If you can anticipate these ‘common’ happenings then you may be able to work through them in a non-destructive way.

Please do your own research.

Many Family Law lawyers provide a one off-one hour session  to answer/clarify questions that you may have for a fee – without being their client. Cost likely $400-500. They are not acting as your lawyer at this time.

The advice may provide clarity on the type of legal approach you wish to employ.

General separation and finance articles

There is an unending list of financial topics related to family breakdown. Many are specifically laid out in law re: financial responsibilities to children on a day-to-day basis through child support tables and extraordinary expenses. In addition, the law sets out the division of assets, settlement of debts and equalization. For many these require goodwill if the parents are going to navigate years of co-parenting.

Articles are from government and newspaper websites. They may be dated and/or no longer available, but the topics remain relevant in most cases and allows you to do your own searches. They may help you determine the need for employing a lawyer or other support services.

WARNING: The issues raised in the above articles often come from unusual situations specifically and impact the general population of separating families. Arriving at fair settlements should be your goal and not protracted legal settlements.

Final Thoughts

 Economic survivability may be initially manageable but cannot survive the challenge/test of a job loss or unexpected health crisis.

Budgeting for many two income couples has sometimes become a lost skill. It needs to be found-asap. Readings and tips may be found throughout the Resource Hub to help find low cost activities, etc.

  • Many couples need to separate/remove their names from accounts and credit cards ASAP.
  • Wills need to be updated, including possibly, the wills of grandparents!

Money is a not so funny issue once a separation occurs. It can be a source of bitterness that impacts parenting relationships and used by one parent with the children in the blame game.

An Open Letter to Separating Parents re: Child Parenting Arrangements

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

In our You’re Still Dad support group parents often spoke about the issue re: joint custody vs. sole custody. Our experience after almost twenty years working with newly separating parents suggests that the risk to the non-sole custody parent’s relationship with their child is significantly endangered in a sole custody arrangement.

Occasionally sole custody may be the ‘inevitable’ outcome given certain parenting histories; but it should be the exception whenever possible.

There are approaches known as parallel parenting that provide protection for either parent from possible high conflict. These plans attempt to identify parenting situations (hopefully) that could lead to conflict.  (See Resources on Parallel Parenting)

Preventive measures may be necessary until the parents find a calmer place.  In the recommended resource for before and during separation, there is a document detailing situations that may need a focused remedy.

Separated parents often look back after a few years separated and realize that they were driven by anger and revenge, based on their own vulnerability.

Advocates for sole custody desire a parenting plan agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and thus each parent would be held accountable for what they signed i.e. the parenting plan. The parents will not argue because decision-making is in one parent’s hands. A parallel parenting agreement can be similar, except for the decision-making protocol.

The above sounds fine in theory; however, the reality on the ground is often vastly different.

On sole custody

Our experience with sole custody suggests that the parent with sole custody believe that they are the parent in control given their power to make parenting decisions for all matters not set out in the parenting plan. The sole custody parent may find certain parenting obligations to be ‘inconvenient ‘and often desire more flexibility as life transitions in many ways e.g. a new partner.

Sole custody is often viewed as a blank check and the other parent may be left facing a decision of returning to court to enforce an agreement from an already weakened parent/child relationship.

While it is often the father and the father-child relationship that is endangered, it is the core position of the our work that the mother’s relationship is also at risk over time, as noted from a reading of two attached case resources. It is also a core contention that parents want the best for their children over the long term and are more than capable of loving their child more than they are angry with their former, intimate partner.

Joint/Shared custody provides a backstop to erratic, punitive behavior. It makes it more difficult for a parent to break the parenting plan terms with near impunity. Shared custody arrangements that are agreed to set a foundation willingly/voluntarily for the long-term parenting relationship.

 A recommended document, Child Custody, Access, and Parental Responsibility (Executive Summary) summarizes the research on the joint custody vs. sole custody debate and positive outcomes vs. negative outcomes for families.

The author, Edward Kruk U. of B.C. has been an effective advocate for joint custody based on the findings of research that he provides. At the core, his interpretation of the research matches up with any parent’s common sense; namely, that the positive involvement, support and love of each parent and extended family offers every child the best opportunity to navigate life’s challenges following a family breakdown.

The following is a blend of Dr. Kruk’s research compilation, Alberta’s Parenting After Separation and the decade of work by Kids n Dad Shared Support. It is offered as support for separating parents who want the best outcomes for their children.

Highlights

  1. Currently, advocates often frame parenting after a separation as a conflict over mother’s rights vs. father’s rights and the core support for each side are feminists and father’s groups. The rhetoric is often harsh and self-serving and leads us down a path nowhere near meeting the needs of their child (ren). Equally disturbing, this approach can lead professionals working with families down a path about choosing one parent over the other parent.

This is a choice that was never considered when just days before separating the parents were cooperating, parenting partners and each child had two loving parents in their life. The week or even the day before deciding to separate each parent likely had no problem with leaving the child (ren) in the care of the child’s other parent.

  • ‘Research is clear that children fare best in their post separation life when they maintain meaningful, routine parental relationships with both of their parents beyond the constraints of a “visiting” or  “access” relationship…’

The research also finds that such relationships a) protect children from negative parental conflict; b) provide stable financial support;

  • What is shared or joint custody parenting time?

The mere fact that this is a question under debate seems somewhat bizarre. After all the children are the parents’ children, not the Court’s property to pontificate over. The state should have some influence on ensuring the parents take their responsibility in a serious way and understand the implications for their children. The child’s view of the world should be understood and considered. Understanding the child’s concerns/wishes provide a basis for the parents’ decision-making.

The above is stated within the framework that is advocated by others including Dr. Kruk. His research endorses a legal shared responsibility presumption of at least 40% time with each parent. This would only be rebuttable/altered in the case of proven child abuse or domestic violence. Child Abuse and domestic violence would be considered separately.

 It is important to note that 40-45% of first-time abuse occurs after a separation in families with no previous history of such abuse. This suggests that the current path for separating fails separating families. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse in the post –separated family is committed at similar rates by both parents.

               ‘Recent research finds that inter-parental conflict decreases within shared parenting.’

                Each parent has a stake in modelling civilized, cooperative relationship with the other parent.

               The 40% parenting time presumption is a set as a minimum parenting time for each parent.

  • How do children do in joint custody arrangements?” …children in joint custody arrangements fare significantly better on all adjustment measures than children who live in sole custody arrangements.” (Bauserman 2002) Study after study supports this finding and research informs us that a missing or minimal fathering role leads to significantly worse adjustment measures for children from separated families.

N.B. These are findings from research done from substantial populations. There are many children from separated, sole parent families that do journey through childhood/adolescence successfully.

Inter-parental cooperation increases over time in shared parenting arrangements! In our work with over 600 clients the ‘great fear’ is the loss of their involvement as a parent with their child. Every parent, moms, and dads have this same fear. For dads it is often more real, more in their face all the time. If the separated parents manage to navigate their way through the anger and risks that often follow, they often settle into a more comfortable relationship.

The ‘great fear’ is reduced and the partner that we did not trust earlier can be trusted now. Why? Because they want the best for their child. Your parenting goals are now in sync.

The 40% parenting presumption offers parental respect for the other parent and their importance and their extended family’ importance in the child’s live.

 Consider for a moment what message the current process delivers to one parent. Their struggle is to get one more overnight, one more long weekend, a birthday with their child on their actual birthday, a sense that they matter as a respected parent, etc.;

  • Changing workplace participation has resulted in shared parenting roles in the intact family. Most separated parents believe in a form of ‘joint custody’. This demonstrates a general recognition that the parents need each other to effectively parent their children to meet the responsibilities of career and parenthood.

There is unfortunately a caveat to the ‘joint custody’ application to parenting plans. The current reality in Canada is that contested cases predominantly end with a form of sole custody. In addition, ‘joint custody’ on the ground reality is that one parent, usually the mother, often end with that parent becoming a de factor sole custody overtime.

Any combination of factors may contribute to this outcome, but at its core is the fact that the parent with the dominant parenting time  feels entitled to exercise more control and the ‘other parent with less time (3-4 overnights in a 14 day cycle) feels less connected and less important in their child’s life. The ‘other’ parent must often work extremely hard to meet their parenting role as their life moves on to a new family (blended family) or what we call a complicated family. For the ‘other’ parent’ and their child ‘fitting’ into the minority access parent’s home is complex and difficult.

Joint custody as practiced in Canada disappointingly often becomes another form of sole custody over time. The unequal/ reduced parenting time impacts each parent and states to the child and others in the family circle that the ‘other’ parent is somehow lesser and/or at fault for what has happened.  The best option of shared parenting has often been negated with the first stroke of a parenting agreement that sets out a disparity in parenting time.

Therefore, the minimum of 40% parenting time is considered to be the ‘best’ foundation for ensuring two parents and two extended family’s participation in each child’s daily life.

Comments

This web site is designed to promote best practices for separated families by setting out the rights and responsibilities of parents. Our purpose is not to recommend an approach that is likely to fail parents, children and grandchildren.

The presumption of 40% parenting time for each parent with their child and for the child with each parent provides the best framework to achieve effective, shared parenting and meet the needs and desires of most children when their parents have decided to separate.

The parents would negotiate the remaining parenting time based on what makes sense for the changing family. The advantage of the 40% presumption is the ‘trust’ factor that emerges. A parent is more likely to be ‘flexible’ at meeting the child’s and other parent’s ever-changing schedules.

Parenting plans can basically be what the parents decide. Tools in the Resource Hub lay out several considerations. The resources include the research supporting our advocacy for the 40% minimum. Listen to the voices provided by children, parents and grandparents who describe their lifelong loss; their voices capture their gratefulness at their parents’ choice of civility and cooperation.

A dad in describing his journey to a parenting plan that was always less than desired or fair found satisfaction that he and his children had reached a place where they now ‘owned’ their relationship. What he could not understand is why the journey took such a toll to reach that place. Owning the relationship with your children should be a given for each parent and extended family. The role of any support service must be to support families in that doable quest.

Every dad wants the best for his children

On By BarryIn After Separation, Grandparent, Holidays

This article by Barry first appeared as a columnist submission in the Waterloo Region Record on July 15, 2019.

My 47th Father’s Day intersects with the recent passage of my 75th birthday, a milestone that started me on a journey of remembrance from childhood to adolescence, to parenting and grandparenting.

There are those who suggest that today’s 75 is really 60. My response is that the advocates of that position don’t have a rapidly declining golf game, nor four grandchildren between the ages of two and nine.

Twenty-eight years ago, I became a separated dad. It was a profound experience and continues to be almost three decades later.

On my office desk are pictures of my six grandchildren and they are a daily reminder of my family’s journey to this time and place.

Clip of Record article Every dad wants the best for his children.

A picture taken by my son-in-law captured my three-year-old granddaughter and I, hand in hand, quietly watching the magical sunset on the Gulf of Mexico. My eyes misted over for I knew that my father and gramps were on that beach, hand in hand with us through their gifts of love forever, through whatever.

Once the worst of the chaos and a semblance of normalcy and calm were restored following the separation, I committed to supporting families one by one, and ensuring that every child has both parents and extended families in their daily lives.

The mission of our little agency is based on a basic belief that separating parents can love their children more than they are angry with the other parent, provided the right supports are available.

Barack Obama articulated the transformation and aspirational mission of every dad when he penned the following in an open letter to his two daughters in 2009, prior to his inauguration. “But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn’t seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn’t count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfilment in yours.”

My transformational experience to fatherhood began almost 48 years ago through the adoption process. My son was placed in my arms by a Children’s Aid worker. She left the two-month-old infant with us for 10 minutes and returned to ask: Do you want to take him home? She didn’t seem to understand – that infant became my son forever, the moment he was placed in my arms. I still recall feeding him his first bottle and the radio appropriately playing the “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “Brahms Lullaby.” Tears of joy were my companion that day.

One child, in time, became three and 25 years later a new, joyful role began – I became a grandpa; now I have six grandchildren.

There is a wonderful description that captures the role of parents and grandparents: Necessary to the completeness of the whole.

Supporting integral parenting relationships through a family separation should be the mission of family law and social services. Unfortunately, it is unclear that ensuring integral, parenting relationships for separated dads is in any way a priority.

In a report in 2010, the Law Commission of Ontario offered a frightening conclusion from the users of the family law legal system. It suggested that too often solvable problems turn into unsolvable outcomes. The devastating consequences are unnecessary conflict and chaos that too often leads to interrupted parenting or worse – almost always for dads and paternal grandparents.

There is a basic question that divorce lawyers, Family and Children’s Services, counsellors, assessors etc. need to answer. Are the dad and the paternal grandparents a necessary, integral partner in the completeness of their child’s and grandchild’s life? I wonder who celebrates and advocates for separated single dads, whatever their parenting time, within these bodies. I fear the response is too often a shrug, or it’s time to move on. The message given to children is that the dad is not essential to their lives.

My father was an imperfect, flawed, loving, supportive and integral parent and an almost perfect grandpa to five. He suffered a massive stroke 12 hours after visiting this still wounded and vulnerable son, two months before my remarriage.

The chaos over three years claimed him as yet another victim. His last conscious act was to be my dad at the age of 76; to continue to be the integral parent and grandparent. He is my model and symbolizes the desire of every dad and grandfather that has graced my life.