Author: Barry

Featured

The Family Conference

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children, Fathers, Mothers

The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.

There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.

Preparing a script for navigating the family conference

  • Remember the no-fault approach
  • Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
  • Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
  • Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
  • The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.

The Family Conference Dynamics

  • If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
  • If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
  • Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
  • Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
  • Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
  • At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
  • The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
  • If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
  • Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
  • Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
  • Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
  • Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.

A father’s love is forever, through whatever

On By BarryIn Alienation, Fathers

This article originally appeared in The Waterloo Region Record on July 2, 2015.

The Record’s Father’s Day weekend edition — specifically the June 20 story “More men go for parenting advice” — was disappointing and troubling for the implications about the importance of the role of fathers in the life of their family.

Taking a parenting course is admirable and enriching, but dads everywhere — even those who don’t take such a course — are doing the parenting role every day in different ways.

Sometimes it is done by driving a truck five days a week, beginning at 6 a.m., to provide for the family; it is done by coaching every sport imaginable; it is done by reading to or with their children after a long work day; it is done by warm hugs and encouraging words, and it is done through love and support in countless ways.

The Record’s almost non-existent approach to Father’s Day reminds me of Amos’ lament and resignation in the song “Mister Cellophane,” from the musical “Chicago”: “Cause you can look right through me. Walk right by me, and never know I was there.”

The research on the importance of fathers is vital for the doubters about a father’s role in positive outcomes for children. The doubters are not, however, dads. We knew our importance from the moment our child was placed in our arms: namely, to love our daughters and sons forever, through whatever.

There are no conditions on that love and support, and no course required.

The same research cited in the Record article reveals what every father knows: Becoming a father, being a dad, was and is the transformational event in their lives

In an interview with the Toronto Sun this past winter, Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry captured eloquently this common truth about fatherhood:

” ‘But … fatherhood, that changed everything. He’s (his three-year-old son Carter) done more for me than I’ve done for him. He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball …’ “

The headline on The Record’s article on parenting advice gives the sense that being a dad is provisional, something that can be minimized by whether one stepped up and took a course. Fathering is under attack in subtle, and not so subtle ways.

I am reminded of a 2012 Record story about a Kitchener father who was arrested at his child’s elementary school, moved to a holding cell and strip-searched. His children and wife were separately interrogated by Family and Children’s Services.

The reason for all this? His four-year-old daughter drew a picture in class of her father and her shooting imaginary dragons with a toy gun.

Every professional involved preferred (or chose) the negative image of Sansone. No apology was forthcoming because all the protocols were followed. Sansone, in an interview later, posed an interesting question that professionals were unable or unwilling to answer: “How do you tell a criminal from a father?”

At 71, I know I am an imperfect father and grandfather. I also understand the most significant and enduring gift that I received from my father, and he from his father, was at the end of the day a simple one, namely that a father’s love is forever, through whatever.

It is worth celebrating. It is worth strengthening. The magic is that it endures forever — from child to dad to grandpa.

As Kyle Lowry said, “But … fatherhood, that changed everything.”

Fortunately, families everywhere celebrate that reality one family at a time.

Richard Warshak Book Covers Collage

Resource Recap: Information from Richard Warshak

On By BarryIn Alienation, Parents, Resource Recap

Notes from the publications of author and psychologist Richard Warhshak. See his website for more resources.

  • Children’s attitudes during the breakup may be temporary. They may be reacting to an isolated event, such as a fight between parents or the discovery of an affair, rather than the full history of their relationship with each parent.

  • They may complain about a parenting plan because of minor frustrations and not really consider the drawbacks of alternative plans.

  • Children may tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear at the time.

  • May reflect trivial reasons or immature thinking.

  • Examples: A five year old girl wants to live with her daddy because he lets her eat as much candy as she wants. A ten year old boy wants to live with his mom because she lets him stay up as late as he wants. A fifteen year old girl wants to live with her father and stepmother because they impose no curfew, allow her to drink alcohol, commiserate with her about the uselessness of education, and promise her a luxury car if she moves in with them.

  • Preference to live with a parent may be unhealthy. For instance, a boy may have a close identification with a father who treats the mother with violence and disrespect. The boy’s closer tie to his father may be long-standing and may lead the boy to express a preference for a parenting plan that maximizes time with his dad while minimizing time with his mom. Such a plan, though, is likely to further entrench the boy’s unhealthy identification. Another example: a boy may be too closely tied to his mom and afraid of leaving her side, so he says he doesn’t want to spend the night at his dad’s house.

  • Children may say they want to live with a parent because they think they need to take care of that parent.

  • Children may show loyalty to one parent because they are afraid of him and don’t want him to be angry with them.

  • The biggest problem with giving children a say in custody decisions is that it puts them in the middle of their parents’ disputes. If the kid’s attitude is going to influence the court, then there is a greater risk that one or both parents will put pressure on the child to takes sides with one parent against the other. So when a child expresses an opinion about custody, it may be the child’s voice dubbed with the words of whichever parent has the most influence over the child at that moment in time.

A Father’s Day Essay: On Being a Dad and Grandpa

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent

“My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.”

Jennifer Fink: A Wisconsin mother of two boys

Becoming a dad is transformational. It changes everything. It gives a purpose, a new priority to life that had been previously absent.  Fathers recall the moment when they became dad and the love and commitment made at that time to their child. Becoming a ‘separating’ dad also seemed to change everything in unexpected ways and threatened and risked every parenting relationship.

Recently a distraught father spoke to me about the emotional birth of his child. His eyes misted over as he talked about the infant’s serious health concerns and the oath/promise he made that first night to be at the child’s side, forever. He has kept his promise! He fears that like many separating dads he will be unable to navigate through the marital breakdown and keep his solemn commitment.  He doesn’t understand a process that seems determined to reduce his parental role and tear away at the best of who he is.

A father from our community wrote the following words that capture what many separating dads “grudgingly accept” in order to restore calm to their children’s lives.

His words: “…it’s the days you wake up with the kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with dad. I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” (a separated dad)

I became a father in my own unique way through the courageous decision of a young woman to place her child up for adoption. I vividly recall the social worker placing him in my arms. Ten minutes later, she returned to ask if my wife and I wanted to keep him. I still laugh at the question—she didn’t seem to understand that he became my son, through whatever, the moment she placed him in my arms.

I remember that the adoption process was a time of anxiety, scrutiny and fear. Would we make the list of approved parents? Power rested in the perspective of the social worker and her mandate to ensure the best interests of that child. It was a difficult process, but one that you necessarily endured. Pushing back against the intrusiveness and judgment was not a viable option. My son and later my daughter had not yet been placed in my arms.

Curiously, the birth of my youngest daughter had no such intrusiveness or scrutiny as she was placed in my arms by a caring nurse in the birthing room.

The next years, no one questioned whether I was a full parenting partner or quite frankly whether I was the best of parents or the worst of parents or somewhere in between. I was dad!

The common bond of separated fathers commences the moment that the intimate relationship breaks down. It brings with it in some ways the scrutiny of the social worker EXCEPT that the children are your children NOT the children of social workers or lawyers, judges or the Canadian Bar Association. A separation with lawyers too often is a process built for finding differences, not for ensuring that children have both parents and grandparents in their daily lives. A separation with children is a long crooked path that requires ongoing support to meet the challenges of change. An initial, adversarial process is the wrong path to long-term cooperation.

“My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.” (Jennifer Fink, a Wisconsin mother from Building Boys)

This insight comes from a Wisconsin mother who originally fought a determined battle in Court in an attempt to minimize any participation by the dad in her boys’ lives. The Wisconsin family court justice ‘insisted’ that Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting applied. The boys would have their father as an ‘integral’ part of their lives forever.

 Think about Ms. Fink’s wonderful adjective ‘integral’ to describe the parenting relationship for each parent now. A definition for ‘integral’: necessary to the completeness of the whole. Imagine a community where ‘the completeness of the whole’ (our child) is the foundation for supporting separating/separated families in our community.

 Canada’s Parliament rejected (2015) the Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting strategy intended to accomplish the ‘completeness of the whole’.

Shortly before starting our little agency (2005) I met a teenage boy age 14. His parents had separated several years earlier. The son had written a note to his parents for Mother’s Day/Father’s Day acknowledging and thanking them for ensuring that he had both of them in his life and as such an ‘almost normal upbringing’. In doing so he realized that through their cooperation he was able to learn who he was- an impossibility if either parent had faded away or vanished from his life. He recognized the gifts of character that were part of him-his mother’s sense of humour and joyfulness, his father’s gentleness and generosity.

These parents remembered the oath they made together to their son some 14 years earlier. They knew that both of them and their extended families were necessary to the completeness of their son. It remains an ongoing journey …for a lifetime.

Acknowledging and supporting each parent’s contribution to the child’s ‘completeness’ provides the opportunity for a family to build ‘integral’ parenting relationships that endure forever. It is my belief that our community has an obligation to develop strategies that best ensure the completeness of the whole. I have yet to hear any leader-legal, counselling, social worker or funder in our community give a public voice to such a mission. Silence is a strategy that effectively maintains a broken and destructive system.

A year ago at sunset I was on beach on the Gulf of Mexico with my 3 year old granddaughter. We were accompanied by probably 300 mothers, fathers and grandparents all quietly standing in awe of this shared, family experience. As the sun set everyone broke into applause as one. My father and gramps were with me in spirit, hand in hand, with the little one. They were an integral part of the completeness of my whole and thus of my children and grandchildren.

 It was a spiritual connection of three generations at that moment and a connection that must be cherished and nurtured by all.

My heart goes out to those of you facing the pain of interrupted parenting or worse. I faced such with each of my children at different times in the early years of the separation. That I am an integral part of each of their lives (and now six grandchildren) was more than uncertain at one time. You must find the supports to survive the despair and to find your way to a calmer place. I always believed (hoped) that the relationship that I had with each child during the intact years would sustain our relationship through the dark times…and in the end it did.

A child changes each man’s identity forever. In the past decade I have been so fortunate to have met so many courageous, creative, unique, gentle, compassionate, caring, generous, resilient and involved fathers, mothers, stepmothers and grandparents. I am a better person for knowing you. More importantly your gifts of character to your children – already given-are part of your child’s growth on their journey to ‘completeness of the whole’-with more still to come. Each of us must be prepared for new opportunities. They can occur at the most unpredictable of times.

Kyle Lowry perhaps captured best the gift of fatherhood in a Tor Sun interview. ‘But …fatherhood that changed everything. He’s done more for me than I’ve done for him… He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball…’

Please take care.

My Complicated Family Turns 20: December 2013           

On By BarryIn After Separation

            

‘For me, as the woman and new wife behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to fight this battle. I love my husband and my son loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay; but I’m very tired…almost all the time.’

– Excerpt from My Family Matters…Too! written by a subsequent partner, mother and stepmother

Twenty years ago (Dec. 4, 1993) I took the marital plunge for the second time. It was the first marriage for my wife. 

About a month ago I turned to my wife as we were appropriately watching an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ and blurted out: “You realize this anniversary is a small miracle”.

She was silent for a moment and replied: “ A small miracle?” 

She was correct. I used to cry a lot. I could often be found rocking in my only real piece of furniture (no legs missing), facing inward toward the wall. I was a mess, a poor risk.

This past year I met many new couples struggling to build an enduring relationship following a dad’s separation.

The underlying fear (may last forever) for a separated dad is that their relationship with their children is at risk. The fear only recedes during their weekend or midweek parenting. The children’s return to mom’s house brings an eerie silence to his place. Silence has become his enemy!

It is the difficult task of a non-custodial parent to reconcile and accept the parenting inequity. They have to learn to deal with the pain…for their child’s sake… for their own sake …and for the sake of any new relationship. 

The challenge to a serious, intimate relationship is managing these intertwined relationships: namely, to maintain/rebuild the dad-child relationship and to build a loving, enduring, new partnership through the chaos and unpredictability. 

 The shame is that many loving relationships are unable to navigate safe passage. 

Many dads almost immediately stumble into being a non-custodial (part-time) parent. A legal system that takes pride in so called ‘no fault’ divorce makes judgments and choices about parenting. A father intent on securing calm for his children is often left on the outside, his face pressed against the window to his children’s lives.

In the non-custodial parent’s life, holidays and birthdays with children are rarely celebrated on the actual date. Information (school, medical) on his children often is delivered second hand, weeks late or not at all.  A non-custodial parent may feel like an intruder in their children’s school, even in their lives. 

New partners face the same challenging complications of unpredictability only with an additional layer of angst- their views on parenting and what they need as a couple are often treated as less important, less relevant by a dad dealing with the heightened risk of parenting loss. 

‘You are important, you are a parent, you still have a family.’    

– Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House

         

The Christmas season was/is a reflection of our family’s 22+-year journey through the chaos and madness to our family’s version of calm. I offer this as a tribute to my wife and the other new life partners who have helped dads find love, companionship and calm through the madness.

During my first Christmas outside the matrimonial home I agreed to return for gift opening and Christmas dinner (including my extended family). A reasonable thing to do? The reality was that it was about pretending that nothing had changed when everything had changed. It had costs for everyone.

The second Christmas was to be about a lesson learned. I would only open gifts with the children in the matrimonial home. No Christmas dinner. That meant my first Christmas dinner since forever without my children. My parents added another complication with their arrival for gifts and dinner. By that evening my thoughts kept repeating: ‘my children, my matrimonial home, my parents, and where am I again?’ Feelings of loneliness, despair and betrayal overcame me. The rocking chair became my home!

In some ways Christmas also mirrored life during our courtship. There were occasions when dating paused with no guarantees of a restart. I thought that my responsibility was to fix (end) everyone’s pain. My wife laughs now at my use of the term courtship and asks, “Did I miss it? When was it?”

My wife’s gifts during the ‘courtship’ stage were life changing! 

Her faith and constant reassurance that I was a caring man and a loving father came at a time when I questioned everything about myself. She was my partner to recovery.

By Christmas #3 we were married (just three weeks earlier). What should have been a joyful moving-on Christmas was flat and empty. My father had a stroke two months earlier and he never recovered. The chaos of the post-separation had left our family wounded and now claimed my father as a victim. 

Christmas #4 and #5 were to be our coming out party. We would have a family brunch – a Lillie tradition. We fretted that no one would show up. I insisted that everything should be the way (actually identical) the children were used to. We couldn’t risk doing something different. I can only wonder now why my wife didn’t sit me on my rocking chair with the following order: “Don’t move until you see the error of your ways.”

Recognizing my error was incredibly important. New traditions enrich your children’s lives. It was also about my acknowledging my wife’s grace, style, humour, intelligence, wisdom, etc. to my children. Just as she displayed her faith in the wounded me, it was my time to demonstrate my faith in her.

Over the years there have been even more difficult occasions when she called me out for my failure to find the balance between a dad’s ‘original fear’ (the one that never leaves) and making our relationship all it should be. Each occasion was a reminder that the journey is now our shared journey and the risks are now our shared risks.

As I look back, I realize that my children came to respect her for what she gave to me and her unique, valued contribution to their lives. They understand now as adults the difficulty of her journey and the sacrifices she made along the way. Their acknowledgment of such was an important step for her and me,

Our family will now gather for our umpteenth Xmas brunch in our no-longer-large-enough condo (with all the children and grandchildren) and all the trappings and beauty brought to our home by my wife. I will likely cry – a tradition. They will be tears of joy for our family’s miracle; and tears shed for those of you still on the uncertain path to your own complicated family.

The family home that I was at a loss to build during the early separation became dad’s house 20 years ago on December 4th, 1993.  I soon realized that ‘we might have something pretty good here’ when my children referred to our place as ‘dad and Elaine’s home’.   

A miracle?

A few weeks ago, as we left the theatre on a cold, dreary evening. My arm dropped by my side and her hand instinctively found mine. My thought was that the ‘miracle or not’ was revealed in that act – that we were able to find each other’s hand in the best of times, but even more importantly during the inevitable chaos and adversity.

My Christmas and New Year’s hope is that everyone who is part of the Kids ‘n’ Dad extended family may find their way to build a dad’s home and even more. 

No-Fault Divorce and Family Renewal

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Fathers, Mothers

Even at the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover calm out of the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent. Renewal is about optimism about what is achievable. Together, these concepts can help you to navigate the challenging conversations ahead—with each other, with the children, with friends and family—by uniting your efforts in a common vision. The alternative is simply to act in survival and to live life in and out of chaos for years or even a lifetime.

The No-Fault Approach

The reason for a separation for most parties is normally irrelevant to the legal process. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the reason for their failed intimate relationship. Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation. This doesn’t mean they were the cause—only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

The legal concept of no-fault divorce is an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. Unfortunately the good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is, however, a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach that has recent favour. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law.

The question for every professional from you:

“Do you (professional) have the tools to help our family make it through the chaos and anger so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families forever?”

Family Renewal

Renewal is possible if each parent truly takes ownership of their most important focus as separating parents—namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm that statement then they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

To separate or not to separate?

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

The initial reason to end an intimate relationship with children is often unclear to one or both parties. It may simply be the accumulation of factors that have resulted in the gradual end of intimacy and supportive caring. 

The consequence is that the actual process of separating may take many different forms. They may range from a single, precipitating event to a drip, drip, drip separating i.e. continued co-habiting without intimacy. Some separating parents have an opportunity for a ‘rebuild’ and others less so.

Second thoughts in a calm environment can lead to finding the right professional services to support this process. Even if the parents decide to separate, a calm approach is more likely to create conditions for a parent and child friendly future.

If one parent is very comfortable that separating is the right decision, then that must be accepted and should not cloud respectful decisions re: parenting the children.

 If getting past the choice to separate by the other parent is too difficult or blocking your way to compromise or personal recovery, then you need to seek professional support. In addition, it is often helpful to find a friend that is able to provide trusted feedback to you re: your state of mind and the choices that you are considering. This has risk for your friendship and needs to be done with agreement on the rules for openness. An honest discussion about what you need could open the conversation. On the other hand, continuing, destructive behaviors may have serious consequences on the friendship and many other relationships. Many family member and close friends can be lost to a chaotic process.

 This is a critical moment for many significant relationships in your life- not just your (former) intimate partner.

Entering the FRRP with an expectation to rebuild an intact relationship potentially is going to have negative outcomes (anger/frustration). Let the relationship play itself out. Rarely can you persuade the other person to make a different choice. The other partner has to come to that choice.

 Time is often required! If both parents go through the FRRP and one person decides that separation is right for them, then finding your path to acceptance and personal recovery is necessary. The final decision by one party to separate can trigger a return to anger, despair and sadness. This is the time when poor choices are often made.

Separating: Is there a better way?

 Remember the obvious- separations rarely occur because the partners are feeling good about the other partner. In fact, many signs have likely been available for some time about one or both party’s unhappiness. Sometimes this lack of togetherness has been masked by busyness at work or through a focus on a child (ren) engaged in activities. One or both parents may have found it convenient to deny the reality of a distancing intimacy.

A few considerations to avoid negative triggers:

  1. Don’t put off a conversation about your intimate relationship. It may feel dangerous; but ignore at your own peril. Many couples have been sleeping alone upstairs/downstairs for months.

This ‘arrangement’ can change in a moment i.e. ‘a dead relationship walking’; so we need to be aware of that possibility and the anger that can accompany such a change. Separating needs to be done by agreement, not following a heated argument that can have lasting, negative outcomes.

  • The matrimonial home: Preferably I don’t believe that either parent should leave the family home unless they have negotiated and signed off on a basic, interim parenting plan. A possible interim parenting plan is offered in the attachments.
  •  This site provides a process for the parents to explain to the children in an age appropriate way what is taking place and to answer any questions. See the sections on talking to the children and stages of development.
  •  There needs to be no rush to finalize anything! An interim parenting plan may provide some breathing room. An interim plan is not a comprehensive, separation agreement and not considered problems may surface. The principles of the agreement and the ultimate goals should govern these concerns. It is important to remember that children need their parents to be a model of civility. The mere fact of your separation triggers uncertainty, doubts and questions often left unasked by you children. They are constantly sensing everything that is going on.
  •  Remember that common parental fear re: losing your child in the separating process. A small success leads to further successes. Can you both attend school or extracurricular activities? Can you communicate about medical issues re: your children? Can you make the occasional parenting switch to deal with life? This immediate transition period is about rebuilding parenting trust at a time when relationship trust has been damaged.

             ‘The act of divorce in itself is not dishonourable; but we are meant to be conscious about the manner in which we conduct ourselves during the process of recanting our vows.’ (Carolyn Myss, Anatomy of the Spirit)

A Personal Story of Separating

It was a sunny March afternoon when I departed the family home. My three children (ages 12, 16, 19) were doing what they do on a Saturday afternoon. My wife and I had deferred the separating or not conversation for some time; but for some reason the conversation had begun anew in the past few days and I for some unknown reason agreed to be the one to leave the home. In some ways, that most important second decision (who would leave) was taken for granted. I insisted that everyone that mattered understood that there was no fault by myself or perhaps more accurately that fault lay in equal portions between us. For some reason it seemed important in the lead up to this day that friends and extended family understood this no-fault/mutual fault thing?

The leaving for many fathers is a default position where we are still in our caretaking role and our belief that we can handle living with less comfort and without children.

I had arranged to stay at a colleague’s in-laws’ home. What I thought was a basement apartment was a small Room with a shared bathroom.  I unpacked my bag of a few items and sat there pondering the future. I had spent no time preparing for this moment!

Leaving the family home without my children was immediately devastating/overwhelming. I was totally unprepared for the impact. Sleep would not be my companion that night as I processed the past decisions. The night before leaving I slept on my 12 year old daughter’s bedroom floor beside her bed. I prayed that she would somehow sense that I loved her forever …through whatever. I feared that she was at the most vulnerable stage.

I decided to return to the family home the next morning to tell my children’s mother my plight. She was insistent that we had made an agreement and that I should honour it. It was an emotional conversation!

 I recall the journey home that morning and my emotional vulnerability after that first night outside of ‘our’ home and my children. The familiar drive took me by a swamp that I barely noted in the past. I had this powerful urge to drive straight into the beckoning darkness and simply end the pain. Most people who know me would suggest that I was normally the rock in the family; yet within twenty-four hours I had entered a dark place, unknown in my pre-separating life.

 One change had taken place following my short return ‘visit’ to my family home. My 16 year old daughter chose to live with me. She packed a few things and returned to the Room. I don’t know if I was supposed to tell her to remain in the family home with all her middle class comfort.  I was probably selfish at that moment. I knew the role of being a parent. I desperately needed to be reminded that I was indeed a parent and that just maybe that would not disappear.

That night as my daughter slept in our 10 by 10 Room, I pondered from my bed on the floor what the next step would be. I remember the mixture of feeling like a failure as a father, an intimate partner and a provider.

My daughter’s choice brought on that second evening thankfulness over despair. I had my swamp moment for the only time in this journey. I recall it still as if yesterday and of course the blessing of my daughter who reminded me that I was still a dad! I have never forgotten that gift.

Lessons

 My personal story is about thinking that you understand what is about to take place. Probably not! a) The swamp moment was not in my plan; b) life without my children-even for a day-was not in my plan; c) life outside the family home was not in my plan; d) my daughter moving out to live with me was not in my plan; e) splitting the children was not in my plan; f) etc.

The decision to separate triggers emotions that can shock and disappoint you about yourself and/or your former intimate partner. At the same time, life continues in ways that you may be ill-prepared.

Judith Wallerstein (What About the Kids) suggests there are three immediate challenges that every separated parent faces simultaneously with the emotional turmoil that may grip you in the first days, weeks, and months.

  1. Getting your life under control. Restoring yourself and rebuilding your supports.
  2. You must prepare the children for the break-up and support them through the crisis.
  3. Create a new relationship between you and you former intimate partner and the other parent in your children’s lives.

Comments

Many (most) parents are dealing with at minimum a low level of depression prior to separating. The actual triggering of the separation often unleashes more emotions and may deepen depression.

As parents, we often at this moment focus on our children (rightly so); but this can add to our own sense of failure. We feel an obligation to take care of everyone else –children and grandparents.

Caring for ourselves must be an ongoing process; it is important to find moments immediately where you build in your day activities that distract you from your current day-to-day crisis.

Make a list of 3-5 such activities that could fit your daily schedule.

Obsessiveness. It is very easy to fall into this trap. You may become very easily a non-stop talker and non-stop thinker about what is taking place in your family life. Your time with the kids is more nervous than ‘normal’- even interrogating children. Your time with friends and colleagues is about bending their ear or hearing them armchair quarterback your situation.

Self-Discipline. Allocate a limited time to focus on the different relationship problems. Obsessiveness leads only to circular thinking and saps your energy. Find time that is free from your normal routine.

In our section on talking to the children, there is an approach that reinforces a no-fault explanation and advocates for a two- parent involvement approach. The more that you own this approach you will be supporting all parties through the crisis.

The children’s health has positive consequences on your mental health.

Accept that parenting is much harder in a separating family on almost every possible front. It is also doable!

Both parents need to make a list of significant others in each child’s life who should be updated on the family situation i.e. teachers, coaches, caregivers, etc. They can be a valuable resource. Again, a no-fault approach should be employed. Do not enlist people in personal day-to-day updates re: perceived failings of the child’s other parent.

Accept that you can’t make everything perfect for your children. You weren’t able to do so in the intact family – don’t add unnecessary emotional baggage. Don’t turn the children into your comfort blanket. It is too easy to do and it is likely to turn them off the other parent OR lead them to escape your smothering.

Your relationship with your children changes in many ways.

List how it has changed already!

 If you try to insist that there is to be no change, it is likely that you are insisting on pushing the other parent away.

The new relationship with the other parent begins with how you separate and the approach on explaining the separation to the children.

Our emotional state can have long-lasting consequences. You must ignore the hurtful, emotional response and remain focused on positive outcomes for the children and thus yourself.

My Family Matters… Too!

On By BarryIn During Separation, Mothers

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids ‘and ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother

I am the silent unseen voice.  I sit quietly in the shadows watching, listening and learning with each unfair decision made in and out of the courtroom.  I have emotional and financial responsibilities placed on me because of those decisions yet I am given no consideration.  No one listens to my concerns and worries.  I am the “new” wife that stands behind my husband who has battled through a court system for 7 years just to have access to and the right to be a father to his daughter.  I have witnessed each unfair decision made against my husband and I play them back in my head like a horror movie.  I look back and wonder how we have made it this far without giving up but no one cares how I feel.  I’m just the “new wife”; I apparently do not matter.   

How wrong they are! I have lived every day, involved in my husband’s 7-year battle to be dad.

We are not rich, we do not live lavishly or spend money frivolously.  It would appear on the outside that we live the “Canadian Dream”.  How mistaken are those ignorant enough to be fooled because we look like an average couple.  Behind closed doors no one sees the tears, frustration and emotional stress that have been placed on my son and us.  No one recognizes that I have had to learn Family Law and teach myself how to navigate through a court system.  No one sees me working until midnight preparing motions and affidavits and making sure that I have all my T’s crossed and I’s dotted.  I have a full time job, I am not a lawyer but I’ve had to learn to be one.

I’ve helped my husband pack up his house when he lost it due to astronomical lawyer’s fees.  I’ve picked my husband up off the floor when he had no will to carry on, reminding him that there is a little girl who is counting on him to pull through. 

No one understands that I’ve had to put my desire to have more children away or that we rent because of the debt owed to lawyers.  No one cares that I am stuck paying the entire household bills because Alex’s paychecks are used solely to pay child support and lawyers.  No one cares that when he is laid off due to the nature (seasonal/recession) of his work, I pay the child support.  Alex and I want to get formally married but we aren’t able to because his ex refuses to sign divorce papers out of spite.  I have actually been written into the final order to mediate or speak with his ex in person or on the phone when they can’t get along to make a decision.

 If I have no involvement then what the hell have I been doing for the past seven years? 

I have a son from a previous marriage.  Alex has known Ben since the age of 3, he’s 10 now.  My ex and my husband get along, they sit and chat, and we welcome Tom (my ex) into our home just as he welcomes us into his.  I am doing what I am supposed to do as a mother to make my son feel at ease with the separation of his parents.  Ben loves his step-dad, they have a bond together much like father and son.

I have yet to hear one judge inquire about Ben’s feelings although he’s talked about often in proceedings. 

Ben has witnessed endless arguments between Alex and me because we just didn’t know what else to do in the aftermath of another day in court that proved to be disheartening.  Ben has missed birthday parties simply because we could not afford the gift.  For the past four years Ben has had to sit in 3hr car rides twice a weekend because it was ordered that we do all the driving when the ‘ex’ decided to move over an hour away.  Ben despises the car rides, but he is too young to remain home alone and I have no choice but to be there for access exchanges to serve as a witness for Alex if his ex initiates arguments.  My son is hurt when Alex’s daughter decides she doesn’t want to come mainly because of her mother’s influence.  He is confused by the situation and feels like maybe she just doesn’t like playing with him.  I try to protect my son from the drama but sometimes it just can’t be avoided.  I sit back and listen to judges and lawyers preach to both Alex and his ex about the “best interests of the child”. 

What about my child? Does he not deserve ‘best interests’ too?

We cannot afford vacations and we currently have no home phone or cable.  It’s very upsetting to hear that the other side is purchasing big screen TVs, new bedroom furniture, re-doing there home and it’s tough for all of us to listen to Alex’s daughter’s recollections of Disney and family vacations.  If I sound jealous I am.  Alex and I work hard to pay for his ex’s vacations yet we get no downtime to recover from the beatings we get from the court system.  We have been forced to sacrifice just to try and make ends meet.  Alex’s daughter is only 10 and we have at least 8 more years of this. Please understand that my words don’t even scratch the surface of our experience. 

Our judicial system assumes that fathers of divorce remain single; that they do not re-marry or have obligations to a new family.  Courts demand divorced fathers to make it there sole purpose in life to meet the monetary expectations set out by judges who do not fully understand or care what the emotional and financial impact of “their court orders”, not only to the father but to the family standing behind that man.

 I have experienced first hand the biased views placed upon my husband because he is a man and the non-caring attitude of judges who do not listen to his legitimate concerns.  I laugh when groups such as Kids n Dads are accused of defending those men who are affected and are said to have a one sided opinion.  I can assure you that these individuals have never set foot in a courtroom to experience the biased attitudes of judges and legal counsel against them. 

I have often wondered about the actual statistics of men labeled as “dead beat fathers” and are these truly non caring individuals or are these men simply giving up because they don’t have the financial means or emotional stability to fight a losing battle?  Then you look at Alex and I who have given all that we have financially, emotionally and more to ensure that his daughter grows up knowing her dad.  We have had to fight for every little success and there aren’t many.

 I often wonder what the suicide rates are for those men who just can’t handle the abuse that is placed upon them because they are a man fighting in a sexist court system with no protection.  Alex and I know of two men who have taken their life because they could not handle the pressures and accusations of being a “divorced father”.  I have done everything humanly possible to prevent Alex from becoming one of these statistics.  These are the stories you don’t hear about.

We are the ones that have fallen through the cracks and there is no real support within the system for us.  Some days we simply agree that this is just how it has to be and other days we have some fight left.  We are being worn down. 

For me, as the woman and “new wife” behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to help fight this battle. I love my husband and Ben loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay, but I’m very tired… almost all the time.

This feature was contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother

                

adult child and elderly mom on beach

Older Children and Separation

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Children
adult child and elderly mom on beach

The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children grow to a certain age (late-adolescence or early 20s) to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and often appear remarkably independent.

I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that your child will likely have to accept or endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities, though they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction , such as who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance here.

A family unit that has only known being intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that the children have known. For some parents at this stage there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage, it is my time to find happiness’ position. That is not an unreasonable feeling but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Anticipating Challenges

A parental split rarely if ever goes as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become too long-lasting. Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited, reduced opportunities with your child. Different perspectives among older children can cause serious rifts that can be long-lasting.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended negative outcomes are more likely to endure when older children are no longer under the same roof because there is less together time to repair the damage and to work it through. In addition each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Planning to Tell the Older Children

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child. Reactions are very individual and may include many mixed reactions:

  • Older children often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.
  • Older children often blame one parent and see the other parent as being abandoned.
  • Older children may also decide to live their life separate from one or both parents.

When discussing the plan to separate with your older children, please consider these points:

  • Offer older children a grown-up, age-appropriate explanation that is honest without defamation.
  • Let your grown children know that they are not expected to take sides in the separation process.
  • Let your children know that the shared history you have built together as a family will not be forgotten or dismissed.
  • Find ways to manage family events and include extended family and grandparents.
  • Plan in advance how matters such as inheritance, education, and financial support will be managed so that any practical questions can be answered.

Decency Should Matter

On By BarryIn Open Letter

Decency is an adjective that I have recently found myself using to capture the essence of several of my dads who are not seeing their children on a regular, predictable schedule.

This is not by choice!

As the founder and executive director of Kids & Dad Shared Support (a non-profit dedicated to ensuring that every child has both of their parents involved in their daily life), I struggle for the words that will move individuals (policy makers) who need to be moved to make a difference for these dads, children, and families.

When I offer up the word decency, I do so because I know that children gain when they are loved, supported, and surrounded by parents and significant others who can be described in such a way. When a child is missing such a parent from their life there is serious failure.

Research tells us that 50% of children from separated families will lose a close relationship with their dad within 2-3 years of the family breakdown. These dads are each unique with attributes often different from each other…. and yet decent men who have their own form of decency to offer as a lifelong gift to their child.

In the past I have often written about my personal story and the good fortune that I had at different times to arrive at a position that sees me with a remarkably close relationship with each of my three children. I would like to think that being a decent man/father made the difference. I could then package all the different ‘decent man’ formulas and provide a road map for every dad and child to arrive at that place together.

Unfortunately, I and every other dad who has somehow stumbled across the abyss to my current place know that this was not the case. They understand that their positive outcome was only a small part about decency; the reality is that other ‘forces’ of support, family circumstances, economics, their own strength or background, luck and most importantly the mom’s commitment to shared parenting were of greater significance.

So, these are the observations from someone who has made it to the other side successfully, luckily. They are also the observations of a son who lost his mom and dad prematurely (grandparents to his three children) to the ravages of the process because no one could get control of what was taking place. Their deaths were part of the continuing invisible (except for their loved ones) carnage of the current system.

By the way, they were decent, loving, and supportive parents and grandparents.

A couple of weeks ago a lawyer lectured ‘kindly’ to one of my dads that not everything in life is always fair. He meant it as sound advice. You know that ‘get on with your life’ philosophy that we gratuitously offer up to others. My friend had asked his aid to help him see his child by intervening with mom on his behalf (he represented mom).

The lawyer’s response failed any test to make a difference for this family.

My friend is a decent man and father who has raised his son alone, without support of any kind. He worked overtime for years to rebuild his financial stability and to meet all his financial obligations. He obeys the rules, he is energetic, hardworking, generous, and upbeat. He is remarkably resilient and steadfast in his efforts to reach out to his daughter.

He is a decent man and father. Any child would be proud to call him dad. He needs no lecture about life being unfair. He lives every day with an emptiness caused by his missing child and yet presses on. ( See Dear God resource)

Another dad is someone who I see less and less now. He has moved a couple of hours away to pursue his chosen profession. I am so proud of his accomplishments. He was a young dad and his relationship did not survive the turmoil of the couple’s youthfulness and their families.

He placed his trust in a legal system that would work for his child to ensure that both parents were involved in the child’s early years. If he made a mistake, it was a straightforward one-namely- he didn’t push hard enough at every stage of the legal process. He had lawyers who were incompetent and faced a mother and family who were intransigent.

This young man is exceptionally smart, talented, serious, thoughtful, generous, and caring. He is a decent son, man and would be as a dad. He has rarely seen his daughter in 5 years. He awaits the next step in the process. His child would be blessed to have dad in their life.

Another of my dads is from a more difficult and yet not unusual situation. He was overwhelmed by a separation that uprooted his life and challenged his values about marriage and family. He met the irresistible force of family law and his belief that fairness would prevail. It was almost too much for him.  He fled to survive, leaving behind his substantial share of the family’s financial resources. He lives constantly with a permanent ache and emptiness for his missing kids and wonders often about what he is working for or going to? These are not unusual questions for middle-aged dads going through separation, often not of their choosing.

He has not seen his kids in 5 years.

This dad is a unique individual, intelligent, well read, quick witted with a wicked sense of humor; he is thoughtful and like many separated dads has become so aware of what is meaningful to him. I am so proud of him for simply finding the will and courage to get up every morning and to survive. The truth is that he was always a decent man; but today he is even more so. His children would have their lives enriched forever by having their dad’s decency in their daily lives.

These are simply three of the many stories of decent dads experiencing the ultimate cost of a failed intimate relationship- a severed relationship with their children.

The strange aspect of all this is that nowhere can we find this to be the desired outcome of Canadian Family Law. To be truthful there is not even a condition that decent parents must raise children. I have set the bar that high just to demonstrate how the system has failed separated families, all members of separated families. If Kids & Dad, a small non-profit in Waterloo Region, has numerous such cases, what does it tell us about the numbers across this province and country (30,000 children every year lose a close relationship with their dad)?

The research is clear and our common sense tells us that the findings are correct. Children are more likely to have positive outcomes and become happy, resilient, and responsible young adults when they are raised with involved, supportive, and loving parents in their daily lives, whatever their family form; children are more likely to struggle when they are missing such a parent and they are left trying to cope with a sense of abandonment, often for a lifetime.

I can’t expect everyone to live with my passion for separated families. My family suffered through it and the consequences will always leave us scarred. I do think though that I should be able to expect that each of us with children should have the imagination to know what pain and loss would be for a parent and their children if they were missing from each other’s life.

 A caring society does not accept a shrug and gratuitous words to ‘move on’ as a response to injustice.

I have been blessed for the past several years to be friends with so many decent parents and grandparents. I offer the following words of a son, father, and a Canadian soldier. He went through a separation a decade ago and he has seen his children only a handful of times. I know him only through his parents and his words to his child on their birthday.

He wrote:

“I remember on this day when you were born. Daddy cried. I was so happy to be given a baby. Put your hand to your chest and you will feel me there. Every beat of your heart is my loving you.”   

 Too many separated dads and their children have been denied the opportunity to share the joys, tears and ecstatic moments of their child mastering their first two-wheeler, scoring a first goal, earning a platinum ribbon at dance, going on a first date, reaching the honour roll, overcoming a disability, or knowing that they are loved forever.

These separated dads understand that many of those magical moments are lost; but what they want and their children need and deserve is the opportunity to create and share the moments still to come, for a lifetime.

Our decency as a community and society is now being tested!