Author: Barry

Every dad wants the best for his children

On By BarryIn After Separation, Grandparent, Holidays

This article by Barry first appeared as a columnist submission in the Waterloo Region Record on July 15, 2019.

My 47th Father’s Day intersects with the recent passage of my 75th birthday, a milestone that started me on a journey of remembrance from childhood to adolescence, to parenting and grandparenting.

There are those who suggest that today’s 75 is really 60. My response is that the advocates of that position don’t have a rapidly declining golf game, nor four grandchildren between the ages of two and nine.

Twenty-eight years ago, I became a separated dad. It was a profound experience and continues to be almost three decades later.

On my office desk are pictures of my six grandchildren and they are a daily reminder of my family’s journey to this time and place.

Clip of Record article Every dad wants the best for his children.

This picture captured my three-year-old granddaughter and I, hand in hand, quietly watching the magical sunset on the Gulf of Mexico. My eyes misted over for I knew that my father and gramps were on that beach, hand in hand with us through their gifts of love forever, through whatever.

Once the worst of the chaos and a semblance of normalcy and calm were restored following the separation, I committed to supporting families one by one, and ensuring that every child has both parents and extended families in their daily lives.

The mission of our little agency is based on a basic belief that separating parents can love their children more than they are angry with the other parent, provided the right supports are available.

Barack Obama articulated the transformation and aspirational mission of every dad when he penned the following in an open letter to his two daughters in 2009, prior to his inauguration. “But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn’t seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn’t count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfilment in yours.”

My transformational experience to fatherhood began almost 48 years ago through the adoption process. My son was placed in my arms by a Children’s Aid worker. She left the two-month-old infant with us for 10 minutes and returned to ask: Do you want to take him home? She didn’t seem to understand – that infant became my son forever, the moment he was placed in my arms. I still recall feeding him his first bottle and the radio appropriately playing the “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “Brahms Lullaby.” Tears of joy were my companion that day.

One child, in time, became three and 25 years later a new, joyful role began – I became a grandpa; now I have six grandchildren.

There is a wonderful description that captures the role of parents and grandparents: Necessary to the completeness of the whole.

Supporting integral parenting relationships through a family separation should be the mission of family law and social services. Unfortunately, it is unclear that ensuring integral, parenting relationships for separated dads is in any way a priority.

In a report in 2010, the Law Commission of Ontario offered a frightening conclusion from the users of the family law legal system. It suggested that too often solvable problems turn into unsolvable outcomes. The devastating consequences are unnecessary conflict and chaos that too often leads to interrupted parenting or worse – almost always for dads and paternal grandparents.

There is a basic question that divorce lawyers, Family and Children’s Services, counsellors, assessors etc. need to answer. Are the dad and the paternal grandparents a necessary, integral partner in the completeness of their child’s and grandchild’s life? I wonder who celebrates and advocates for separated single dads, whatever their parenting time, within these bodies. I fear the response is too often a shrug, or it’s time to move on. The message given to children is that the dad is not essential to their lives.

My father was an imperfect, flawed, loving, supportive and integral parent and an almost perfect grandpa to five. He suffered a massive stroke 12 hours after visiting this still wounded and vulnerable son, two months before my remarriage.

The chaos over three years claimed him as yet another victim. His last conscious act was to be my dad at the age of 76; to continue to be the integral parent and grandparent. He is my model and symbolizes the desire of every dad and grandfather that has graced my life.

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section.

To my daughter on Mother’s Day

On By BarryIn Holidays, Mothers

This article by Barry originally appeared in the Globe and Mail.

Barry, Elaine, Karen, and Kayla at the theatre to catch a production of Mama Mia.

A look at the unique feelings of fathers for their daughters who are now mothers.

It was an amazing experience the other day when Kayla (my 30-month-old granddaughter) crawled into my arms, tucked her head on my chest and arms, and snuggled down for the next hour. No other happening could provide a grandparent with such contentment and calm.

I recalled that less than three years ago you hesitatingly informed me over dinner that you were expecting. I knew then that you required my unquestioning support for the challenge.

I suspect, though, that my internal reaction was similar to most fathers: Are you ready for this? (As though we were.) Have you done all the other things you wanted to do? (As though we had.) And of course: Are you feeling alright? (Fathers, who have not personally experienced the mysteries of pregnancy, tend to focus initially on their daughter’s welfare.)

Most fathers don’t dream or have visions about their daughters being pregnant; indeed most of our energy was focused on making sure that didn’t happen. Our efforts were directed at giving you the possibility of being whatever you wanted to be: a professional dancer, an Olympic swimmer, a teacher or someone who would challenge the glass ceiling on gender equality.

As I held Kayla in my arms, I remembered those rare moments when you slowed down enough to fall asleep in a similar way. Or when you decided to skip the crawling stage and go straight for walking — running, even — or to doing cartwheels up and down the stairs. Or those incredible years of activities: soccer, T-ball, ringette, track, dance and swim. I recall how you acquired new “best friends” at each of these and how they remained part of your life. Most of all, I remember your remarkable energy and joy for living even in your earliest years.

There were, of course, other moments less precious and more worrisome, but they came with the territory of parenting. And as the years have gone by, they have blurred and faded away, lost in the pride for a daughter who has become a special young woman — and a mother.

I remember receiving the call from your hubby that Kayla had just arrived and that both of you were doing well. Although he had phoned within minutes, I remember I thought this goofy father-thought: Something was wrong here. If you were in the hospital for a procedure, I should have been there with you.

For fathers, there are certain benchmarks when the recognition of your life’s journey becomes more apparent. An undeniable crunch occurs when you become a grandparent for the first time. What happened to those past 50-plus years? (Then, of course, you remember and realize it was quite a lot of work and you become somewhat more comfortable with this new reality.)

I remember looking at Kayla that day, lying quietly in my arms and realizing how proud I was of your approach to this change in your life. From the moment you knew of your pregnancy you set out to ensure that you did everything within your control to give Kayla a healthy start to life.

I recalled how, on the day after Kayla’s birth, I returned to the hospital with your stepmom and you did something that was so typically you. You placed one-day-old Kayla into your stepmom’s arms and turned her into a belonging grandmother. The result was a bonding that was instant and strong.

For the rest of us, a new role was assigned that becomes as important as any other when we’re transformed into grandpa and grandma, nanna and pappa, oma and opa, aunt and uncle, and so many more relationship permutations.

For any parent, it is always rewarding to observe your child in a new shining light and this was true as I watched your every effort with Kayla. Again you set out to educate yourself about the different stages of Kayla’s development and her changing needs as she moved through her early days, weeks and months. I observed you battle fatigue with uncommon grace as you ensured your child’s needs were met with certainty and nurturing love.

I watched as you wrestled with the complex balancing act of new mother, wife and self, but always determined that Kayla was your priority.

I noticed how you played with her, receiving warm smiles for your funny faces and introduced her to music and dance, knowing that it will bring joy to her life. You understood through education and instinct that so much was going on within Kayla during these months as you combined the role of protector/nurturer/teacher.

You read to her, knowing that appearances were deceiving and that her mastery of language would be enhanced by these early efforts. One remarkable day after another is now occurring in her communication and understanding of language. What a joy it is to see her run toward you with her smiling face and sparkling eyes.

What strikes me are your gifts to Kayla that are already visible as larger outcomes. She has learned to trust her world and is comfortable with the multitude of adults in her life. She has been allowed to express herself creatively because you encourage her to exercise more control over her play (under your watchful eye). You have provided her with enrichment in so many diverse areas while providing a backstop of protective discipline to her life.

Most of all, I am so impressed with the early gift to Kayla of energy and joy for life that has always been you. These gifts are apparent every day in the gentleness and radiating love of your interactions with her. They are observed in Kayla as I watch her enjoy the animals at the zoo and her ease with new “buddies” at the park.

I remember how you returned home that day with Kayla asleep in my arms and laughed because I had remained motionless for close to an hour. As you took Kayla gently from me, it was a passage in time: it was a realization that my daughter was now a remarkable mother. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I know that it has been a delightful journey, and will continue to be so.

Thank you for being who you are, my daughter and the mother of Kayla. Happy Mother’s Day from Dad/Grandpa, with love.

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

An Open Letter to Separated Parents on co-parenting

On By BarryIn Open Letter, Parents

‘Co-parenting depends on setting up new emotional boundaries and allowing your children to have their own emotions, identity, and choices. It requires leaving the past in the past, and focusing on the present and the future. More importantly, it requires never forgetting the vision that you are working together for your children’s greatest benefit’. – Elizabeth Hickey and Elizabeth Dalton, Healing Hearts

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we are committed to co-parenting as a core principle and underpinning for the approach set out in this site. Rarely in my work with 800+ families have I come across parenting situations, where a high level of cooperative parenting was impossible.

The on the ground reality is that effective, co-parenting following a separation is about the parents’ commitment to making it happen. Parenting competency is important, and it is key that each separating parent fills gaps in their parenting resume.

A few lessons I’ve learned in my work:

  •  Effective communication is/may be less timely and competes with the two parents building new lives, separate from each other.
  • Every intact family has defined their parenting roles based on many different factors. The outcome is parenting that works best for their intact family. Each parent brings to their parenting role similar skills and their own unique or complementary parenting strengths.
  • A separation and co-parenting require that each parent becomes competent in the other parent’s areas of parenting strength. This is not to usurp the other parent, but rather to harmonize the consistency in expectations and routines. All round parenting competency in areas of the other parent’s strength can’t be shrugged off entirely to the other parenting partner.
  •  A separation means that they are no longer your every moment parenting partner. This adjustment requires hard work on each parent’s part; but it is necessary and rewarding. The parenting strength that you observed in the other parent such as patience or warmth through hugs and touching can become part of your parenting DNA

When I started our little agency, I expected most separating families would have children from the ages of 8-15ish. It was quickly discovered that many of our clients had children, who were toddlers or barely of school age. Consider for a moment the parenting challenges faced by these parents (many of you) and their families to build inclusive, family homes for their children that will endure for a lifetime. It is clearly a daunting task that commences from the moment parents decide to separate.

Effective parenting in the changed family is about building two homes and creating a ‘new normal’ for your children. It doesn’t have to be identical, nor should it be; but it does need to be two homes where calm reigns over chaos and where children know that their parents are committed to their well-being.

Parenting after a separation has never ending resources and our intention is to set out a selection of resources that support effective co-parenting for different ages and stages of children. Reread the opening passage of our vision of being a parent. The awesome responsibility is understood from the moment your child is placed in your arms; and confirmed daily as they move through infancy to toddler to school age to adolescence to young adulthood. Providing for their needs and creating opportunities is the centrepiece of your transformed life. Take a few moments to reflect on those ‘simpler’ times because that ‘can do’ optimism and commitment is now required more than ever.

We employ the term ‘renewal’ deliberately to capture what the parenting process is all about. We are not marriage counsellors, but the process recommended provides time for sober, second thoughts.  Remember that you are both parents, and your children need you more than ever.

Search out the different essays, research, and articles listed in the general parenting resources section of the Resource Hub. There will be motivated to become better educated and parenting courses for changed parenting. will be many additional resources from professionals for your consideration.

In the recommended resources you will find a selection of professional comments on parenting through a separation.

Parenting for family renewal

Parenting through a separation is more difficult than in an intact family. Parenting is simultaneously difficult and rewarding in the best of circumstances; but in a separating family tension between the parents and the end of intimacy may adversely influence every family relationship.

To have the best opportunity for parenting success, children must know that they are loved and valued in each parent’s home. This requires the endorsement of the ‘other’ parent by the ‘other’ parent. Remembering that you are the ‘other’ parent may help in accomplishing desired goals for your child.

A parent can give out negative vibes in many ways to their children when their child sets off to their other home and return to their other home. Negative vibes = abusive behavior directed not only at the other parent but at your child. Research suggests that children of divorce often feel that they don’t belong in either home over time. Our mission, as parents imposing a changing family structure on our child, must be to build inclusive family relationships.

Inclusiveness does not occur when parents are smothering or needy or negative. Renewal is built from recognizing both parents’ love for their child and the complementary strengths of each parent. Reread the article: After my parents divorced… for more.

Building trust

It is important to build parenting trust. This means trying to maintain schedules and minimizing irritants around clothing and toys left at the other parents’ home.

Keep a visible schedule in both homes of overnights and all other activities. This can be done by computer and a master schedule can minimize too many intrusions into the other parent’s changing life.

A scheduled, bi-weekly conversation during the early months is advisable. This could eventually become monthly. Following a conversation, the parents could decide to seek out their child’s input re: any modifications.

Changes should be only about the calendar, not about changing the basics of parenting time. The latter could seriously breech parenting trust.

Managing common issues

  • There is a risk that normal responsibilities assigned as learning tools for your children in an intact family are abandoned in one or both homes after separating. That is not unusual, but unfortunate. The fear of alienating your child through enforcement of responsibilities is common for many families.
  •  An earlier section identifies the ‘common fear’ of separating parents. Feeling like you are one short step from child rebellion and losing your child to the other parent is a major concern…and leads to ineffective parenting.
  • Parents need to come together through parenting conversations on topics of responsibilities and discipline. A common approach would be supportive of each other ‘in the long run’ and to be honest the long run is what this is all about. That is a difficult approach to accept by both newly and longer term separated families.
  • A problem re: parenting differences may be an extension already apparent in the intact family. In some cases the differences are fundamental gaps in parenting philosophy. To employ an oversimplification, one parent is more permissive, and the other parent is punishment centred. Consider the differences in your parenting style in the intact family and try to anticipate what differences are likely to be tested in the two homes scenario. This could lead to a preventative conversation.
  • As a general rule, the parent with parenting responsibility on specific days determines the rules, etc., within their household. The other parents don’t have the authority/power to change that under normal circumstances. If the child is at risk in the other parent’s home, the parent is obligated to seek out a protective remedy. It is recommended, if there is a growing concern that has been ignored or stonewalled, a professional therapist should be employed. Options should be included in any parenting plan.
  • Parenting differences may occur at any age, but probably feel riskier with tweens to mid adolescence youth. These are children that can change their residence by simply walking to the other home. I have rarely, actually never, met a ‘other parent’ who would not welcome their ‘troubled’ child at least once. It is occasionally done as a joint, parenting decision; often though it may be viewed as an opportunity by a parent with less parenting time. It may occur through the recommendation of a child counsellor. The change of residence almost always creates parenting havoc and requires understanding. For some parents, the unexpected arrival of an older child places strains on second relationships. (see section on blended/complicated families)
  • Parents need to pay attention to routines such as bedtimes, mealtimes and getting ready for school. Two homes often have different schedules for routine day to day ‘stuff’. Getting up in the morning; eating times or sit down together time; activity level; delegating responsibility; hugging and comforting each other; bedtimes and how it happens; staying informed of each other’s whereabouts and availability; a  more than passable acquaintance of the children’s friends and parents; etc.
  •  Harmonizing routines (above areas) are a good thing, but often difficult to accomplish. Children do adjust to changes in school routines all the time. However, you need to be patient and alert to how your child is coping. Remember the ultimate parenting challenge is ensuring that your child feels like they are welcomed and belong in the family home that you are creating.
  •  In the intact family, there has been a history of ‘working out’ schedules for your children- especially young children. Remember the earlier observation re: the number of families separating with pre-toddler and primary age children.
  • A separation creates two homes with each parent needing to work out appropriate schedules that MUST be met. Children departing a school bus must be met; a JK child must be picked up on time afterschool- work schedule blips be dammed. All is doable!
  • One parent may be less competent at managing these kinds of details. Some fathers have defaulted that management task to their parenting partner in the intact family.
  •  A default position doesn’t work for the two-home family, if that parent wants to be the full parenting partner recommended here. Again, this is all doable, but may require an attitude change.
  • One of the most significant changes in parenting from an intact family for some parents is that they must take on the role of a full player in every way.
  • While we insist on full information flow on all matters children, it does not preclude full, on-site participation as a mother or father for the full range of activities and appointments for your child. You are going to be busier than you have ever been!
  • The impact of a separation on our job is very real. The intact family has likely found ongoing supports and a working formula. It may not be ideal and requires constant tweaking or even reconstruction. It is however a joint effort.
  •  As a separating parent with a less than flexible parenting schedule, you face serious obstacles. A simple example for some separated parents revolves around employment at big box stores. In many cases an employee (parent) is required to work 3 weekends per month. Most parenting agreements are based on alternate weekends. Our experience suggests that a separated parent could lose 1/3 of their weekend parenting time. If you are a parent with less than equal time, this is a devastating consequence.
  • Explaining money priorities to your children is a difficult task. This can mean that parents miss extra activities because they ‘choose’ to work (overtime) to help meet financial responsibilities. The same family income prior to separating is inadequate to meet the financial obligations of two homes.
  • Parenting plans need to be precise and realistic about extraordinary expenses. For some parents it is a choice between rebuilding a parenting relationship or becoming a less consequential parent. This has negative consequences for the child.
  • Parents must guard against shifting parenting responsibility for younger children care to an older sibling. While there are growth outcomes, there are also inherent risks. A few of those risks include a) a parent not making the required change in their own life to be an effective parent; b) the child losing out on being a child/teen; c) an older child does not have the life experience to be a parent; d) older child sees the parent as selfish and using them to build a new, social life- free of the marriage.
  • Separated parents must find their own parenting rhythm and create new traditions in their home. I am particularly fond of the parent, who built the tradition of reading books every evening with their child. The story goes that that they went 14 years without missing. They created a special, new tradition and it became part of their relationship forever. Every parent can build their own connection(s) with each of their children.
  • It is important to have/allow pictures that connect the past of the family to the present and future. In our work on parenting plans, many parents, usually dads, unknowingly fail to seek out copies of family pictures upon separating.
  •  Both parents are keepers of the family history, and both homes should have the visual connectedness. Obviously, there must be discretion in the choices made, but this step is important and sends a positive message to your children and is a reminder of better times with your children’s other parent. A child should have their own place to visually keep pictures etc. of their other parent.
  • Children often watch for signs of reconciliation. Guard against giving children false expectation. If one parent constantly gives out such a signal to their child, they are doing a disservice to their child. Often, they may unconsciously be using their child to apply pressure on the other parent.
  • Parenting through a separation can sometimes feel grinding/waring. Try to include in your weekly routine fun activities, as well as completing homework. Try to find creative opportunities. In the attachments are a list of low-cost activities.
  • Try to find opportunities for one to one activities/conversation with each child. This requires an emotionally healthy you. Stability and predictability are cornerstones of the family structure that you are trying to build in the early months and years following a separation.
  • Informing and receiving updates re: your child from key players in your child’s life should become part of your routine. These players would be teachers, coaches and significant others. It is important to attend all parents’ nights, and if possible, supervise school trips. Know your child’s friends and be acquainted with their parents. Sleepovers for youngish children adds a degree of normalcy, fun and flexibility. Don’t outsource supervision.
  • Whenever possible, see your children off with a kiss, hug and optimism; welcome them home with enthusiasm and interest in their day.
  • Start to rebuild your relationship with past friends and make new friends. Your children are (re) assessing who you are in this changed family. A separated parent can become isolated from the wider world. It is important that your child see you in different settings and observe that you are well liked, appreciated and respected by others.
  •  Have difficult conversations with relatives and friends, who have distanced themselves. State your needs as a parent and your expectation/desire that they should continue to be your friend and welcome your children as your children.
  • An important, but not completely understood (at least by me at the time), is that each parent is now tasked with shaping the building of a new home with their children. Your child’s in-house time with you (day-to-day parenting) varies, but it does not mitigate your changed parenting role.
  •  It is a mindset that many parents, but perhaps dads more than mothers, fail to grasp. Life is not just in transition for your children because it seems that way to you!

Search out the appropriate resources

Be proud of yourself for taking this new role seriously. Other sections of our site focus on the changing role of mothers and fathers following a separating. Understanding the challenges of each other helps us to be sensitive to their parenting approach; also, it allows you to anticipate what may be coming at you and your children.

Forgive yourself for being an all too human parent. There is a wonderful quality that captures what you need to be an effective separated parent: RESILIENCY!

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

My New Complicated Family Turns 25: December 2018

On By BarryIn After Separation, Holidays
Barry and his grandkids at at Kitchener Rangers game
Barry and grandchildren at a local hockey game

Almost 28 years ago on my last night in the family home, I chose to fall asleep on the floor beside my youngest daughter’s (just turned 12) bed, hoping that somehow, she would know that I loved her forever. I feared that her age placed her at the most vulnerable age.

The next morning would be my last in the intact, family home. There was no single, triggering event, simply two people who had grown apart and failed to take care of each other over the latter years.

It was all done in a ‘civilized’ manner. Neither parent understood really what their reaction would be; nor the devastating way in which every family relationship would be at risk.

 Immediately on leaving the matrimonial home, I was overwhelmed by the possibility of the loss of my children (19, 16, and 12). The first night absent from my home brought dark thoughts. I returned to ‘my’ home the next morning to explain my unrest; the conversation was difficult and unsuccessful.

My 16-year-old daughter chose to join me and returned to the one bedroom, where I had arranged to live in the short term. Now, my new status included my oldest daughter. It is probably an overstatement that it was lifesaving, but at the time, her choice reaffirmed that I was still dad.

 Thankfully, the darkest of thoughts never returned.

When you enter the separating environment, the only certainty is the lack of certainty. Every family relationship and every other, significant relationship feels as if it is under scrutiny and judgment. An intimate relationship with children that was happy has now been exposed as a ‘failure’ with all the questions that come with the territory.

Each parent needs a supporting thought to hold on to during the initial days, weeks and months.

I would suggest the following as a guiding principle.

Remember. You are still a parent. You still have a family! (Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House).

The bedroom that my daughter and I shared for that first week didn’t feel like a new single parent home; it felt like and looked like failure! After that first week, I found a basement apartment, maybe fit for a poor student. The only real room had a divider for privacy and a shower in the hallway. For a middle-class teacher and daughter, it too felt and looked like failure! This was followed by a more traditional apartment furnished in Spartan style.

 I lived in that ‘style’ for close to 3 years.

As you can tell, I had not read or implemented Ricci’s counsel that I was a new family. It contributed to my sense of failure as father, provider and intimate partner.

Barbara Coloroso describes single parent and blended families as ‘families born of loss and hope’. For many separating parents and children, the journey going forward is a tug of war between loss and hope. For many dads, a separation is initially dominated by loss of children and the family home. So, the initial experience of being pulled toward the darkness is common. When the separating process becomes chaotic through parenting loss, hope is difficult to imagine.

  ‘Stepfamilies, foster families are all as real as the traditional family.’

– Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis

The concept of being a ‘legitimate family’ in a separation is almost always with the parent with majority parenting time (usually mothers). There are so many forces – legal system, family law, social service bias and even family and couple friends- who see you living without the children most of the time. The family as they knew it resides elsewhere. It feels like failure, too.

To be heard by the different bodies above requires patience, civility, relentlessness, resiliency and commitment to be a parent… through whatever.

In My New, Complicated Family Turns 20, many of you in blended, second, reconstituted, subsequent, etc. families found something to take away for your own journey together. I have also included an amazing essay by one of our stepmothers about their incomprehensible, but too common journey. Please read: My New Family Matters Too!

Another 5 years has passed and our 25th anniversary is a milestone to be celebrated. Elaine and I have reflected on the early chaos and the naiveté that love and caring for each other won the day. While they are essential ingredients, they did not provide the certainty of an enduring intimate relationship or the successful creation of a complicated, new family with children.

‘But in the remarried family, the stepparent-child relationship begins much later. It’s rooted not in the child’s birth but in the early days of the second marriage, which means it begins differently and runs a separate course… It’s a relationship that starts midstream, it’s more challenging for both of you. And it’s a triumph for everyone in the family when you, the stepparent, become a really important person in your stepchild’s inner world.’

– Judith Wallerstein: What About The Kids

The ‘triumph’ never seems to be complete; but that I believe is the consequence of the obstacles that were so formidable during the early weeks, months and even years. One is often reminded of those early days at special occasions for children/stepchildren as they pass through different stages of their lives. There will be hurtful moments, hopefully unintentional, in each relationship as they build toward understanding, respect and trust.

New, complicated families are about acknowledging everyone’s past; but not being stuck’ by the past. Every new couple must take control of their own destiny and their future.

To that end I did a miserable job …for some time. I have lapses even decades later. Elaine made sacrifices and choices, waiting for me to recognize my errors. There are times, when a separated dad with children, has little room except for the fear that they are losing their child… perhaps forever. That continuing fear is perhaps the greatest threat to new relationships with children.

Our 25th anniversary is about honouring Elaine for sacrifices too often undervalued or even loss to the chaos that destroys so many loving, new families. It is for being a partner in building and rebuilding relationships with each of my children. It is for becoming a co-grandparent to now 6 grandchildren who fill our lives with love, joy and good chaos. It is for honouring me with her love and support as a person as well as a life partner. It is for pulling back when I was blinded by the past.

Thank you for finding my hand through it all; and allowing me to find your hand… always.

25 years ago, the children barely knew you. They were wounded by the chaos and struggles of life at that time. You built a loving and caring relationship with each, day by day, so that they care and respect you for what you have brought to their lives. Most of all, they recognize your gifts of love and support to their wounded dad.

 Hope began 25 years ago and is found in every family relationship that now includes 6 grandchildren.

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

brown envelop on table

A Letter To All Separated Parents From Their Child….For What It’s Worth

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, Holidays

This guest post was provided by a family member who worked with Kids ‘n’ Dad. Names have been changed.

Hello my name is William.

I am almost sixteen, and I am in grade ten.  Although sixteen is still young, it is an age when I am thinking about many relationships in my life. My thoughts recently have turned to growing up with a mom and dad who live in different homes. I have so many friends and class mates who have a parent or even a set of grandparents missing from their life. I feel sad for them. 

My parents started our two home thing when I was almost seven. In some ways I can barely remember us all living together. I do remember them arguing a lot; but to be truthful they were my mom and my dad. That was the way it was. 

When they decided to live apart I remember that they took me aside to tell me and then asked me where I would want to live? My response was I think pretty normal?  “I want to live with both of you!”

I still recall that it seemed like a dumb question. Almost nine years later I still think it was a dumb question. But I now realize that it is the most important question.

I recently sent my parents a short note as a joint Mother’s Day/Father’s Day card:

Dear Mom and Dad. I am starting a new tradition… not to save money but as my way to thank you for the way you chose to share being my mom and dad many years ago. I realize it was complicated for you as well as me. It still is. But it is our complication and I want you to know that it was worthwhile. Complication together is good!

 I love you both! By sharing my life I know that I am loved through all my messes and poor choices. Your life advice (almost) always amazes me. 

As I thought about my friends and classmates who have lost a parent or grandparents because of a family breakup, I realize now at sixteen that the additional gift that you provide every day is an understanding of who I am.

Mom, I like to believe that I I have your sense of humour and pure joyfulness for living life to its fullest. And dad, my hope is that in some small way I have some of your gentleness and generosity of spirit.

 I couldn’t imagine being who I am without both of you sharing my life!

Love William

—

Note: William’s family made it together to a better place than many separating families.

Looking for more stories from separated families? Check out the Fathers and Mothers section of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.

Reflections on Remembrance Day, 2019

On By BarryIn Grandparent, Holidays

Thank you to the children and teachers of Smithson Junior Public School for a Remembrance Day to cherish.

Don Cherry’s ‘you people’ rant on Hockey Night in Canada unfortunately diverted attention from the growing support for our military, past and present.

I was a fortunate child and grandchild, for my gramps and dad survived war zone service in WW1 and World War11, respectively, and as such were integral to who I am today. Remembrance Day, for this writer, is always a melancholy journey, a mixture of gratefulness, pride and family renewal to be the best of them, in my own imperfect way.   

They rarely recounted stories of their military service and the horrors of Gallipoli or the fears and uncertainty from the almost daily, nighttime bombings of Great Britain. Upon their return, they took up day to day living, often in occupations that were taken out of necessity, in order to provide opportunity for their families.

Peace fought for and won with great cost would hopefully quiet their troubled memories of loss and personal trauma.

It was with these thoughts and seventy-five years of life behind me (thanks to my father’s survival) that I entered Smithson School at 10:15 on November 11th to be in the company of my seven year old granddaughter, Mollie. She was unaware that I was coming and as she looked about she spotted this grandpa and her face lit up with a smile almost too big for her face. I was reminded of my good fortune, luck, and fate to be in this place, at this time.

 I remembered my veteran dad and grandfather; and all the veterans who suffered losses for their family and unknown families from faraway places.

As the young children entered the assembly, parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren found each other in a similar fashion to Mollie. Some parents jumped to their feet and waved until I feared they would injure themselves. Almost in every case the children were more reserved because the Smithson teachers had prepared them for the solemnness of the ceremony.

I took in the scene-never completely turning my eyes from my granddaughter, in case she flashed her now toothless smile that melts my heart. I was again aware of the diversity, in every possible way, of the Smithson School community, and the blessing for parents and grandparents to have our children being raised in an environment of acceptance, tolerance, generosity and caring.

There were no ‘you people’ in this gathering!

 The formal program recognized and honoured loss, lessons were provided, and a hopeful, future path was offered to our children, grandchildren and the audience through readings, poems, songs and a children’s story. All done in a respectful, thoughtful and age appropriate way.

The Last Post was powerfully done by a Smithson teacher. Our children then exited calmly and quietly. Parents and grandparents behaved appropriately (not a certainty) following the Last Post and avoided the not so subtle ‘look’ or raising of a hand (quiet …please) by a Smithson teacher.

As I reflected on the occasion, I believe that I had witnessed in this small, urban school the best of the Canadian ideal. The Canadian experience has been and perhaps always be an imperfect journey; but these 45 minutes left me more hopeful for the future than when I entered.

I could hear my grandpa and dad by my side saying thank you Smithson community:  ‘YOU DID YOURSELVES PROUD! ‘

For more on remembrance and navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

An open letter to separated dads

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

“‘I like to see [my son] before the game. It makes me whole. He doesn’t watch the game out there. He watches in the back. For me, I tell him I love him. He tells me good luck. We have a talk. You’ve got a good thing like that going. I give him a kiss. You have that in your life, what have you got to be mad about. You go out and do your job with ease.’ (Kyle Lowry – basketball player, Toronto Sun Dec. 25, 2014

Fathers

Kyle Lowry captures the transformation that becoming a dad brought to his life. It changed and balanced his priorities– it broughttrue meaning to the rest of his life.

Every dad understands his words and relate to the transformation that takes place.

Talking about fathers is a complicated task, for many of us became a dad in many ways and through many diverse relationships. As such, the impact of separating may differ substantially, and the challenges faced to be an effective dad are different.

Our common starting point, however, must be remembered always and the continuation of that father-child relationship is crucial. Our common fear/risk must also be remembered; namely, that a separation from the other parent could lead to losing the relationship with our child.

While what I call the ‘fear’ may find a home in both parents, the on the ground reality for a dad is likely more real and more concerning.

There will be an opportunity to hear the words (voices) of fathers engaged in the everyday struggle to be an effective and loving parent.

Listen to the voices to understand the challenges; listen to be an inspired parent that provides your children with the gifts of character that are the best of you and may become the best in your child; listen to learn the tools necessary to be an effective parent and how you can acquire those needed skills.

Tools for fathering in a single parent household

  • Kids ‘n’ Dad’s approach is that the term single parent is inappropriately employed and may have an unfortunate consequence of becoming a self-fulfilling outcome.
  •  Every intact family creates two single parent homes and how it plays itself out for each family is to be determined. Marginalizing the other parent always works against the best interests of the children.
  • While we strongly endorse the presumption of a minimum of 40% parenting time for each parent, the reality at this point in time is this is not taking place. The imbalance (besides the effects on the child) has significant consequences on fathers in terms of the psychological/emotional impact, financial assets to provide desired opportunities for their child; and a sense of their long-term impact on raising their child.
  • The starting point must be to assess realistically the challenges that you face in your new single, parent household-i.e. the terms/conditions for setting up a home! As an aside, I did a terrible job of building a home for my children in the early weeks, months and even for two+ years. It could have cost me dearly.
  • Many dads, even with a middle-class income, probably are ill-prepared for the financial impact of a separation. Most families with children spend to their limits; any long-term savings coming from an appreciating home and contribution to a defined pension plan. Most families have credit card debt and car loans. I know that you get the picture.
  • Our Resources also aim to provide guidance on the a more cost efficient way to preserve your family assets to build two households.

Navigating the legal system

The legal system is not built around or for the separating dad and ensuring a strong, every day father-child relationship.

  • A working dad with income below $60,000 before taxes is likely to be squeezed and face on-going debt.
  • Do a realistic financial check-up! Assess what you need to build a new household. Make the necessary adjustments to goal setting. Try not to get into financial disputes with your child’s mother. They are likely no longer interested in your woes. They would rather find someone to listen to their woes.
  • Don’t involve the children in your financial disputes. Find alternative activities and opportunities, if necessary. Grandparents may provide opportunities for your children and basics for you. Grandparents can be complicated relationships in a separation.  Check out the Resource Hub Grandparents section for more.
  • This financial warning must be heard and heeded. You must be realistic and in this section there are ways to be an effective parent in cost efficient ways. These are the voices of other dads.
  • Being a dad in an intact home is very different than in a separating family. It is likely that no one was an overseer in the intact home. Your role as a dad had evolved and become a norm in which the parent- child relationship carried on. For most homes there was an agreed to comfort level.
  • Separating changes the agreed to comfort level/norm. Working toward a new normal is what the separating process is all about. Some fathers find their previously accepted parenting style under attack in the separating family.
  • In an earlier section on telling the children about the separation, it was suggested that you need to assess your relationship with each child- strengths, weaknesses, concerns- in order to be an effective dad.
  • Reflect on the months preceding the actual separation and whether the intimate partner separating that began much earlier had consequences on your parenting relationship with each child. That would not be uncommon for a dad.
  • As you work your way through this section make a list of the changes about to occur in your life. What do you need to support you through the next day or week or months to immediately become a supportive parent? Where can I find such support?
  • Talk to your employer about possible flexibility in work schedule re: meeting children’s schedules, while a more structured plan is put in place. Research suggests that the initial weeks and months are critical for separating fathers and their children.
  • In the old days (me), dads tended to move out of the family home. It is often not thought out and done out of a sense of failure and even caretaking. It is still occurring; but it is not recommended; unless an interim parenting plan is already agreed to by both parents.
  • Leaving the family home without the children and any firm parenting agreement begins your complicated, new parenting regime. Often our new/temporary place has no room for our children. Grandparents may or may not be an option depending on their age, location and relationship.

My personal experience after close to 25 years of marriage was that I was ill-prepared to live in a single household for the first time in my life. Even when my daughter came to live with me almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home. Everything was second hand i.e. legs falling off furniture, etc. I didn’t want my youngest daughter to stay with me for my place was so inadequate. Take a moment and think about my mistakes (a few listed below).

  1. Self-sacrifice at my personal expense. I thought I deserved to be punished; b) Penalized my youngest daughter and endangered my relationship with her by not doing sleepovers immediately; c) I had not thought out any parenting plan; d) I went into caretaking mode by thinking I could cope with anything. That was not true; e) Fill in any additional observations for me or yourself!

Steps

Rule 1

  • Find yourself a suitable place to be a continuing parent from the very beginning! This is a must. Think through your options. Talk to the children about the choices or proudly show them your new place and their bedroom, etc.
  • Don’t leave the intact home without a recognized parenting plan and a suitable place to go!

Rule 2

  • The suggestions in Rule 1 are intended to reduce the unpredictability, when one becomes a separated dad. Work through the additional parenting disruptions that must be covered off from day one. Your mindset must change!

 The reality is that unpredictability is likely going to be your constant companion for every personal relationship.

  • Consider that parenting routines may be gone immediately. Attending dance classes, hockey or ringette three days after separating is a formidable challenge. Seeing your children go off with the other parent is an emotional challenge.
  • Informing parents, best friends, colleagues and bosses of your separation and new address, contact number may feel intrusive and may result in self-doubt or feelings of anger or betrayal, if their response fails to meet your expectation.

Rule 3

  • Fathers may reflect on their role in the separating family. As stated earlier, in every family the parents have found their own way of shared parenting. Any number of factors including work, ages and needs of children have been a determining factor.
  • The role of being a dad is more essential and difficult in the separating and changed family!
  • Your role as dad was not challenged in the intact family. Your effectiveness maybe, but not who you are to the children! Your effectiveness may now be challenged and your love for the children may not be enough to sustain the relationship that your children and you need.
  • The default position is not a viable option. An intact home where the mother dominated decision-making and everything children is not a positive option going forward. It may have the consequence of children without their father in their life in a meaningful way.
  • If you were the kind of father that accepted taking your cues from the mother in the intact home, you have a lot of parenting preparation work to do. You may also face verbal or even legal assaults that you were not the primary parent; thus, you should now be even less of a parent.
  •  What was a more than acceptable role in the intact family is now working against you.

“Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship that you have with your children during the marriage.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Rule 4

‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ (Dr. Benjamin Spock)

  • Sound advice for both parents is perhaps more important for separating fathers. Normal conflict in an intact family can become escalated conflict in a separated family. The bad old ways that parents dealt with conflict over the years are no longer acceptable.
  • For a separating dad, some of these ways may be abusive or just as important considered abusive. Effective co-parenting does not thrive in an abusive relationship. The fault does not really matter; the consequences do.
  • Building more effective ways to talk to each other on parenting issues is a key tool. In our parenting section, there are some rules re: behavior necessary for effective co-parenting. In addition, there are several resources on co-parenting.
  • Effective co-parenting requires compromise. Fathers, who had lost their voice in the intact family on parenting concerns, may find that their voice is an unwanted intrusion to the mother. This can lead to more open conflict, reduced cooperation or simply fleeing day to day parenting. In all instances the children lose and as such the parents lose if their goal is to love their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
  • Courses and counselling programs are available for parents who find themselves repeatedly at odds.

Rule 5

  • Effective parenting following a separation is a moving target. Every relationship with your child is subject to the different stages of each child. Some we are prepared for, others may present unique challenges.
  • Many parents separate with children of toddler age or younger. A father from these families faced in years past a judicial approach that refused overnight stays for children before the age of four. While this has changed somewhat, it may be a factor found in assessments for the Courts. You also cannot legislate against judicial bias or a mother’s determination that she is the primary care parent.
  • As a separated father, you must prepare to be an effective parent and fill in any gaps in your parenting comfort level, especially, with younger children.
  • Every parent has gaps in their parenting resume. Own it and then do something about making it your strength!
  • Many dads express the importance of their daughters in their lives. They feel very close and protective. Research (often outdated or biased) in this area would suggest that fathers are less effective and needed as their daughters’ transition through the tween, adolescence and young adult stages of development. There is a moving away from healthy closeness. If this is followed then the father-daughter relationship is at risk during a critical moment in their daughter’s life.
  • A dad is more than capable of understanding and learning to become comfortable with their daughter’s transition into womanhood. If your daughter is uncomfortable with certain conversations, then supporting her to have her own family doctor, female school counsellor, etc.
  • My oldest daughter lived with me for the first years of my separation (age 14-18). I messed up on occasion, but she knew that I would always be there for her. That helped us build a relationship for a lifetime, through whatever.

Rule 6

‘Fathers that have their own special needs face obstacles to parenting their children. It is as if the community has decided that they are incapable of loving their children or of being loved by their children.’ – Barry Lillie, founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

  • Many dads who deal with mental health issues, disabilities and extreme poverty are often left out of the parenting loop. In an intact family, a parent’s illness would be an opportunity for caring and understanding for a child.
  • Parenting would not be considered impossible because a parent doesn’t have the resources to have an appropriate residence.
  • Most shelters for men/fathers are unsuitable for children. Protective shelters for kids and dad are virtually non-existent and receive virtually zero funding. Consider the messages delivered to children about their dad through the way our community supports a separated dad, especially one who has pre-existing health issues.
  • There is a wonderful film based on a true story called the Pursuit of Happyness. The father takes his child to a House of Friendship men’s shelter.

Rule 7

For all of the above rules, there is no certainty that the outcomes are going to be what you want for your children in their journey from childhood to adulthood. Of course, they are uncertain in an intact family, but a separated parent may feel more responsibility for less than ideal outcomes.

  • So hanging in is Rule 7. I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this web site. I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren. I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way. There was such a defining crisis. I always thought- hang in. Be ‘relentless’ in a patient way.
  • I apologize for the hanging in counselling. But when you receive advice or feel the need to flee consider a time-out and the steps necessary for your personal recovery.
  • While many of our resources advocate shared parenting (40% minimum), many clients have built wonderful, enduring relationships with their children with considerably less parenting time. My standard for the minimum parenting time is whether you are confident that you are able to build an enduring relationship that will continue into adulthood. I would not accept any parenting agreement that didn’t provide that opportunity.
  • For some dads, the parenting insult is all consuming. Feeling insulted is understandable; but you cannot allow your sense of injustice to interfere with being an effective parent. The risk is that there are common outcomes for most children of a separation (reread After My Parents Divorced) and eventually teens may make decisions re: their access to you or the other parent. It is too easy to become obsessed with the injustice.
  • Some dads surrender in order to survive. Living without their children and a legal fight without end is unbearable. If you are in this situation, you must get help. Survival is primary, then you build a life from that step. Your children will survive and some part of you is always part of them. I know that adult children are often better equipped to understand what happened to their family based on their own life experiences.
  • You are a role model for your children. They do observe and what they observe can be your gift to them on how to handle adversity and treatment of others.
  • I often say that I would never wish what my family went through to happen to anyone. However, in my calmer moments, I believe that I am a better parent and person for having gone through the chaos. The opening quote from Kyle Lowry makes clear what is important in life.
  • Parenting perfection doesn’t exist in the intact or changed family. Learn to forgive yourself and your child’s other parent. There is a big picture, the long game for separating parents. Try to keep it in mind when facing challenges. Don’t get so thrown off that you run away from parenting opportunities.
  • Don’t disappear or even worse become an in and out parent. It is difficult for even the best of ‘other’ parents to encourage parenting relationships in such circumstances.
  • It is easy to give up too soon. Situational depression is real for dads facing reduced parenting, loss of supports and living outside the family home.
  • Some dads are angry with their children in their teens. They expect more from them when they choose not to follow the access schedule. Teens are different. Read the section on teens and on alienation. Don’t give up on them! Everyone is wounded, even in the friendliest of separations with children. Children did not participate in the decision to separate.

Protecting Your Child as a Non-custodial Dad

Finally, many dads may face a high conflict parenting situation over access and care of the children.

What do you do? Authorities may see safety concerns about the mother’s parenting as a ploy re: trying to win custody of the child. F&CS are however obligated to do an assessment. You need to keep a record of concerns and the steps you have taken. You will likely not become aware of F&CS findings.

 In addition, a report may lead to a backlash by the mother and that could lead to a set of not so happy outcomes: a) interrupted access, initiated by the mother, even against the current parenting plan; b) your child’s being caught in the middle- interview by F&CS and targeted by the mother; c) confrontations on any child exchanges- high risk for abusive confrontations that can change parenting arrangements.

In our work and on a personal journey, assessing your child’s risk in the other home is extremely difficult. You can be found by authorities, such as F&CS or therapists, that you are ‘interrogating’ your child and putting words in their mouths. This is a concern.

My advice is that you must do your own evaluation. Remember that your idea of risk is quite possibly not the view of high risk by F&CS.

 I failed my younger daughter because I was unable to find a way to protect her. I was on the outside and the chaos overwhelmed me. It is my personal shame. In the end, a counsellor for my daughter made a change of residence happen at the age of 17. My daughter was then in her mid-adolescence and the chaos for her diminished.

As important, more calm allowed each parent- child relationship to be renewed in the long-term.

If what you see is high risk, then you must do what I failed to do. Seek the resources to intervene. There are lawyers who specialize in F&CS cases; there are child therapists (do your research), who place the child ahead of gender;

Do it with caution and for the best reason. You will have satisfied the most important quality of being a dad; namely, protecting your child!

 I made a commitment on the day my daughter came to live with me that I would never fail her again. It was the same commitment that I made to her when she was placed in my arms in the birthing room. The same commitment made by every dad who has graced my life.

 I have kept that promise.

“The greatest gift that you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”  – Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

I have yet to meet a father, who with the right support, cannot be an amazing dad…for a lifetime!

Please read over the resources for parents and selected voices of dads and others.

Looking for more resources specific to separated dads? Check out the Fathers section of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.

School Days Can Be About Opportunity

On By BarryIn After Separation, Parents

As a former teacher (it seems so long ago), I still see the approach of Labour Day through the perspective of gearing up for ‘life’s about to change’. As a parent and grandparent, the return to predictability and certainty offers a promise of order to day-to day life.

For newly separating and separated families the struggles can be difficult as new parenting patterns may not yet be established. Some parents and grandparents may suddenly face loss in their day-to-day, relationship with their child and grandchild.

The return to school should be viewed as an opportunity to build enduring, supportive relationships for parents and grandparents.

PA Days and school day trips provide additional opportunities for a parent or grandparent to have ‘special time’ with their child or grandchild. For a parent (often a dad), the opportunity for a child to see their father in a different setting is rewarding and builds ‘integral’ relationships between parent and child.

Recently I went to see a film called 8th Grade. It was about a young girl in her last week before graduating to high school i.e. a transition to an entirely different space. She is being raised by her dad- and we observe, through the dad’s painful efforts, that they are unable to talk about anything meaningful.

 The film has an understated father-daughter theme. But in truth it is a universal, parent-daughter or parent-son theme.

 Near the film’s end is a conversation between daughter (in crisis) and her dad that is a ‘must be viewed and heard’ as they struggle to make each other understand how they feel about each other.

It is words and/or deeds that build enduring relationships, that too often go missing because of the way families separate. Kids n Dad suggests that parents and grandparents plan to take advantage of the opportunities offered by the new school year to build a more enduring, supportive relationship.

 I guarantee that during the school year you will have the opportunity to be the parent that you wish to be- just like the dad in 8th Grade.

School Days Are (Soon) Here Again                                

Summer is still with us and I am trying to focus your attention on the upcoming school year. A new school year often presents change upon change for newly separating and separated families. What was once viewed as joyful changes in an intact family are now challenges that make parenting more complicated e.g. a family moves to a new home in a new school district? For our children of every age change has serious implications- making new friends/losing old friends; etc.

Kids ‘n’ Dad tries to focus separated parents on the new school year. We believe in limiting surprises in the school year that may lead to unwanted parenting conflict that impacts your children. The school year is an opportunity for separating parents to restore some order/predictability and calm to their children’s lives and to their own lives.

The new school year may be especially difficult emotionally for newly separating families. It can be like the first Christmas with its emotional connections, good memories and now the loneliness of being a parent absent from the excitement of the actual event. It is a clarifying moment for everyone that family life has changed…forever. 

It is also an expensive time with new activities beginning and schools often asking for additional fees for this or that. Many of our parents continue to face economic difficulties that are part of the current economic environment. Separated families rarely have enough income to support a dad’s home and a mom’s home and it often comes down to hard choices about your children’s activities in the upcoming year.

The Globe and Mail published an essay (After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine. It belonged to them. -June 5 2013) by a young woman who wrote about the aloneness of being a child of divorce.

She grew up feeling like an outsider in her parents’ homes and later in their subsequent families. Her letter stopped me in my tracks. I thought about my own children and the children of our clients, who are struggling with that same loneliness and lack of belonging. My point is that doing this school thing right is part of overcoming what happened to this young woman as she grew up.

 ‘As parents we have a responsibility to ensure that our children feel included in each home and that each home is participating in their daily life. School is an integral part of that life.’  (KND)

Ideas to consider for the upcoming school year

Compile a personal list for your family. Each family has their own unique set of challenges, but a common set of desired outcomes!

  • Both parents must, together or independently, establish a relationship with their child’s teachers and school. If the separation is new, then a school visit is an imperative. The school is going to be a main source of information re: your child’s transition from an intact family.
  • Plan to attend school activities. Co-operate to ensure that one or both of you are available for every activity. Include supervising on a school trip as a volunteer. Establish a schedule to share your children’s activities. If the ‘together’ thing is too difficult then work out parallel arrangement that works.
  • MEET THE TEACHER NIGHT IS COMING UP! Ensure that you attend the ‘meet the teacher’ and all other parents’ nights, especially report card meetings. Do not count on the other parent to be the conveyor of information. If need be give the school postage prepaid envelopes with your mailing address for your child’s Report Card, newsletters, etc. Schools are RARELY proactive in ensuring that BOTH PARENTS receive all info. I know many separated parents who have never seen their child’s report card with all the valuable info on their child.
  • If your child’s teacher is hesitant to provide duplicate material, be courteous but also insistent and follow through. Each parent needs to be in a position to help their child with their homework, etc. Many fathers who often have less than 40% parenting time may prefer only to do ‘fun’ activities. You can do both; you should do both.
  • Make sure that you are up-to-date on your child’s school friends. If your child (ren) are of an age suitable to have a friend sleep over then these school friends form a likely pool of candidates. Your involvement in your child’s school activities allows you to meet other parents and create a comfort level for them and the children.
  • Attend extracurricular activities that are outside the school- e.g. dance, hockey, and ringette. RESPECT the other parent on those nights that are their access nights. Do not make participation by both parents a problem. Set a good example for your children.
  • Plan out a co-operative parenting schedule. Respect it! Abide by it! The schedule is the LAW UNLESS BOTH PARENTS AGREE TO A CHANGE! YOU CANNOT SIMPLY DEMAND A CHANGE!
  • If changes need to be made then consider a process to make that happen. It could be done through a mediator if you are unable to make it happen cooperatively.
  • Expenses need to be talked through and not simply a bill handed over with a demand. Dads in many cases need to know that school aged children cost money and that these expenses may be separate from the question of access and child support payments. Primary care parents need to know that denying access damages your children and is against the law.
  • I mentioned last year my concern re: the use of Facebook, Twitter, etc. to take verbal shots at a former partner. These concerns remain an alarming and disturbing development. These verbal potshots are in reality not only an attack on your child’s other parent but also upon your child. They are simply unproductive for everyone. This is absolutely unacceptable! It is embarrassing/hurtful to your child and is making public what is essentially a private family matter.  Another aspect of the use of the social media is the potential misuse and risk to our children. If we as the parents are hooked on Facebook and messaging, why wouldn’t we expect our children to model themselves in the same way? The problem is that most children are without the life experiences that we bring to social networking. This is particularly a problem for children in the tween age bracket. In separate families children of this age may rely on these friends even more and also have more time alone, etc. As such the good aspect of a child cell phone (safety, ready availability) may become lost to the negative side (vulnerability and obsession). Go on line, educate yourself on the risks to your adolescent and develop a strategy that works for your family.
  • If you are newly separated don’t be afraid to initiate a meeting(s) as necessary with a key teacher/mentor/coach to your child. They can watch over your child and encourage participation and friendships.
  • Finally, if you have a new partner during the school year, take it slow and easy. Understand possible reactions of your child; deal with your former partner in a mature, honest and sensitive manner. Read up on possible reactions. Ask your new partner to be patient as you try to work out the new family dynamics.
  • PA Days offer an opportunity for additional parenting time for some parents and could be included in Parenting Plans. Cooperating parents can reduce before and/or after school costs by sharing in providing care to their child. In addition grandparents – especially paternal grandparents who may now have reduced time with grandchildren-can also be included in school year planning. They provide a sense of belonging to grandchildren.
  • FINALLY acknowledge the other parent’s flexibility. Acknowledge each other’s flexibility. Your children will notice.

I used to say that parenting through a separation is a marathon, not a sprint. I have adapted my thinking- separation is a series of sprints that hopefully add up to the completion of the marathon. Just when you think there is a comfortable pattern, life gets in the way. Life in the way can be a remarriage or a move or a job loss/ financial crisis or a child in crisis or…. Every separated family in every school year is likely going to face a difficult change(s) that may trigger a crisis. The challenge is to figure out a process to accommodate the crisis.

As separated parents we have an obligation to find solutions to those ‘life gets in the way’ happenings. The school year is an opportunity for parents to model for their child a cooperative relationship that demonstrates the parents’ love for their child- a love that survives all challenges on life’s journey.

Looking for more resources on education? Check out the Development and School sections under the General Parenting Resources on the Audience page.

Commentary: After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine – Part 2

On By BarryIn Uncategorized

This post comments on an article that originally appeared June 5, 2013 in the Globe and Mail. See the Globe website for the full article. This post part 2 of a 2 post series inspired by the article. Part 1 summarizes the Globe article and comments on key themes. Part 2 includes Barry’s more detailed commentary.

The essay triggered remarkable commentary from separated parents and their now adult children.

The most difficult parenting situations following a family separation often occur over the issue of children living in two homes through their early childhood and adolescence. This common place situation for children from a family breakdown raise any number of issues once they put up their hand and say no more to anyone who will listen. The existing agreement constructed by exhausted parents at significant financial cost is no longer acceptable from the child’s perspective.

Is a ten year old child permitted to challenge their parenting arrangements? In this case there does not appear to be any rationale except that she disliked the impact on her life from going back and forth between residences.

 Is this a trivial grievance or fundamental to the child’s daily life i.e. 365 days a year.

Now what?

The dad in this case was unprepared for his daughter’s declaration at age 10 and was left to determine whether to accept somewhat quietly or to explore other possibilities to enforce the existing parenting plan.

Most parents have signed a parenting plan and have an obligation to enforce the agreement.  In this case the daughter told her dad that she no longer wished to continue on this current schedule. Her mother must have accepted, perhaps reluctantly, this significant change. The adult writer in looking back recognized now the long term impact as she ‘fell out of touch with my dad’s family’.

What should the mother do? What should the father do? What are the consequences for this two home family? What are the risks? Etc., Etc.

Possible Pathways

  1. Both parents take the daughter aside and tell her that her request is not acceptable and not going to be acted upon. They would however consider ways to make both homes more child friendly.
  2. The mother engages her daughter and supports the request and informs the father. She attempts to get the father to understand the negative impact of their separation and two residences is having on their daughter.
  3. The father rejects their arguments and insists their parenting arrangements are binding. He recognizes the need to be more flexible on occasion to accommodate their daughter.

 The daughter’s parenting time with her dad is interrupted, then discontinued despite his objections. The current parenting agreement is breached. Their Parenting Plan, common to most agreements, had a dispute mechanism process (3rd party professional ) that either party could trigger with appropriate notification. The mother decided to ignore the dispute clause, recognizing her daughter’s strong feelings and mental health concerns.

This outcome is more common when the child switches to live with the mother. It is important however to note that the switch from Mom’s House to Dad’s House full time occurs frequently once the child enters mid-adolescence.

 Available Support Services

If your family is in a similar version as the family above, then you must do your own research. Re-living the legal/social work environments can be overwhelming in every way for everyone. Oh, and then there is the financial cost.

  1. Starting Point: Communication and involvement in the child’s daily life by both parents with regular, frank conversations between the parents and key players in the child’s life. The goal is to recognize early on-going stresses in their child life.
  • Dispute mechanism in most parenting plans. Starting point intended to resolve concerns that are inevitable in any parenting plan as life evolves for each parent and child.
  • Professional Services outside of the Legal System: These types of services may be found from many sources. I recommend you to the web site by Peaceful Waters and their Child Centred Divorce Services Team. They provide a full roster of services. Review their site if only to identify programs you could seek out.
  • Voice of the Child: a relatively recent step to ascertain the child’s perspective/voice. It is done by a trained social worker who specializes in this child focused work – Google will help you identify professionals who offer this service. It is a less intense process and run for the child only. It may provide more clarity to parents on next steps.
  • Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL): A more comprehensive approach ordered by the Court to help determine the next steps for high conflict families over custody issues. It can be time consuming and intense for each parent and child. Decision-making effectively has been transferred to the judgement of others/not the parent. Parents are encouraged to Google information on assessments

Additional Services involved in risk assessment for a child

  • Family and Children’s Services: Protecting a child from risk is essentially their reason for existing. Throughout our web site there are many cases where I was disappointed by their actions or non-actions. The F&CS mandate meant that they were not in the business of re-uniting a dad with his child i.e. recognizing the father/child relationship as a primary ‘best interest’.

F&CS does provide supervised access for a  parent and child in order to mend a damaged relationship and determine safety risks. My earliest experience with F&CS was remarkably positive with one of our support group fathers. It is less so now but they are part of the process and must be navigated as necessary. Being combative is unacceptable; being purposeful is necessary. Bias is a concern. See the Jesse Sansone Case. Lawyers who have a record of dealing with F&CS regularly is considered to be a positive step.

  • Child and Parent Place: This is court ordered supervised access. I was a member of the Oversight Board for 2 years. My initial expectations were quite negative. However I came away impressed by the staff and their determination to make each parent-child visit successful. My criticism in the end was the lack of funding to provide more parenting opportunities, especially during difficult times of the year.

Common trusted friends and relatives may provide oversight for visitations and ensuring safe parent-child exchanges.

Final Comments

Our 10 year old child (writer) became an adult and is still processing the childhood choices that shaped her journey to adulthood and her thoughts on beginning her new family.

‘Children get bone tired of a quarrel that has no end. Parents who continue to be angry are a source of amazement and shame to their children, who keep wanting to say, “Get Over it.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine – Part 1

On By BarryIn Children, During Separation

This post includes many quotations from an article that originally appeared June 5, 2013 in the Globe and Mail. See the Globe website for the full article. This is part 1 of a 2 post series inspired by the Globe and Mail article. Part 1 summarizes the Globe article and comments on key themes. Part 2 includes Barry’s more detailed commentary.

Children of divorced families often find themselves in a middle ground, managing expectations from family on all sides. In a daily personal essay submitted to the Globe and Mail, Leigh Ann Smith (a pseudonym) of Vancouver eloquently gives voice to the challenges of this situation for children. She writes:

I often had more than one birthday party as a kid. This sounds cool, but it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I am a child of divorce. My childhood wasn’t mine. It belonged to my parents.

I lost myself in every effort to appease each side of my family. Shuffling alone between two separate lives meant that I was on the fringe of each family, never an insider. The people I loved most were never in the same room together, and many of them barely even knew each other existed. I missed out on events and celebrations because I would have to spend time with my other family.

A rock and a hard place

Leigh-Ann, like other Voices of Children featured in our General Resources for Parents, was stretched thin managing many social connections. This brought her to a decision:

Children of divorce learn to cope with these inconsistencies and instability, but by the age of 10, I no longer wanted to deal with it. I didn’t want to live in two different homes with two different bedrooms, different clothes, different toys, different friends and different rules. I was a 10-year-old caught between a rock and a hard place.

So one day I told my dad that I didn’t want to visit any more. It was a courageous and ignorant act of defiance. We will never know if it was the right decision or not, but at that time neither one of my parents possessed the objectivity or emotional stability it would have taken to unearth a more positive solution. And so that was the way things went.

Inescapable consequence

It is common to feel a sense of responsibility for the discord between parents. If you’re a child of divorce reading this, see our section on Children for more support. Leigh-Ann describes this poignantly:

The power struggle that had lain dormant between my parents erupted again, and this time it was directed at me. This time, I was responsible for the discord. In one house, I was blamed; in the other, I was a victim.

Choice is met with consequences, and as time went on, I fell out of touch with my dad’s family. It’s hard to stay in touch with people connected to someone we have pushed away… Was that because it’s best to keep severed ties cut? Or was it my punishment for being a horrible child? All I knew was silence and loss.

Holidays for children of divorce

Leigh-Ann experienced periods of stability – her mom remarried, new cousins, stable traditions – and heard from her dad once or twice a year, but disruptions arose too.  Holidays in particular remained challenging.

I tried to keep in touch with family members every time I went home for the holidays. Again, I tried to please everyone while anxiety flooded my thoughts. Whom should I spend Christmas Eve with? Should I visit with this family or that one? Will they be offended if I don’t make time to see them?

…Two years ago, I moved back home and now I live less than a day’s drive away from all four of my families, their new spouses and young kids. We are all connected on Facebook, but my mom is still the only person who ever calls or visits….

Although they were my family, I was never theirs…Sometimes, divorce spreads us too thin to make any real, lasting family connections.

Divorce often isolates children, and Leigh-Ann took lessons from her experience. When she married into a Maritime family, she went in planning to build a future of joy, welcome, and hospitality with her new family.

For more voices of children of divorce or further reading on navigating holidays and isolation, see these posts:

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.