Category: During Separation

Money matters and separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal

Note: The following was written a few years ago and as such resources may be difficult to find; however, the subject matter/issues remain. Use the different sections to find more recent articles. The legal section also include information re: financial obligations.

Reality Check!

Two homes cost more than one home! Family income is unlikely to change in the short or medium future. The initial weeks and months are likely even more expensive and may lead to rising debt levels for most separating families. A lack of civil discourse or cooperation may delay the urgent need to change financial habits.

Another common characteristic for many couple breakdowns is overspending in the months leading up to the actual separation. Money issues in the intact family are a leading cause for a relationship to end.

Listed below are a number of topics and resources intended to spotlight the different financial concerns  confronting almost every parent and their family.

Financial woes often contribute to marriage breakdown. Statistics suggest many couples begin family life in debt. Life with children is expensive and debt and managing debt is often an ongoing concern and a cause for conflict. It is unsurprising that in separating, conflict over money is a continuing saga.

Before separation points to consider

Separation with children and two homes triggers for many separated couples a journey  from manageable debt to ever-increasing and often unmanageable day to day debt. Most middle and upper, middle class, intact families spend to the limit of their joint income. Most during their child rearing years were content with savings only in some form of pension and hopefully an increasing asset in their home.

These main assets are often tied up or unavailable for some time during the separating, legal process. Reading and understanding the legal impact on the financial side of separating is important for both parties.

Some articles to consider before and during separation

  1. Top 6 marriage-killing Money Issues (Investopedia)
  2. 5 Ways Your Partner Can Ruin Your Credit (Forbes)
  3. Getting divorced? Five steps to get your finances back on track. (Globe and Mail)
  4. What financial experts wish you knew about divorce (Globe and Mail)

Late in life separations

Late in life separations are more common today. A well-planned for retirement can be turned upside down when one or both parties choose to end the marriage. Often children are no longer at home; but may or may not be launched into work life. Adult children may turn for financial support at a time when parents feel guilty about their late in life separation.

Many 50+ age separating parents still have children in expensive post-secondary education and graduate programs. In the middle of a previously, certain trajectory of financial support an unexpected wrench is thrown into the mix. For many couples the assets are again a pension plan and home equity. The home based equity has often been eroded by borrowing from the asset to pay off borrowing in the intact family.

In many cases only one parent has a full pension plan and the equity in the home may vary widely. Many parents find their long-term financial plans must begin anew. Separations rarely time the market or housing at peak valuation. Women, depending on their circumstances, may find themselves with fewer resources; more specifically some may need to acquire the skill set to manage their own financial affairs. In addition one of the partners may enter a separation unaware of their financial position.

Resources on later in life separations

  1. Rising ‘grey divorce’ rates create financial havoc for seniors. (Globe and Mail)
  2. What to do when a midlife divorce derails retirement planning (Globe and Mail)
  3. From down payments to tuition, later-in-life divorces affecting plans to support adult children (Globe and Mail)
  4. I’ve seen people cleaned out: Divorce later in life (Financial Post)
  5. A divorce behind him and no company pension (National Post)
  6. Downsized: How a late-career job loss can derail retirement plans (Globe and Mail)

The Legal Section provides supportive materials on legal obligations re: child support, spousal support, extraordinary expenses, equalization, etc. The following resources are offered as common issues/questions that may be relevant in many separations at some time. If you can anticipate these ‘common’ happenings then you may be able to work through them in a non-destructive way.

Please do your own research.

Many Family Law lawyers provide a one off-one hour session  to answer/clarify questions that you may have for a fee – without being their client. Cost likely $400-500. They are not acting as your lawyer at this time.

The advice may provide clarity on the type of legal approach you wish to employ.

General separation and finance articles

There is an unending list of financial topics related to family breakdown. Many are specifically laid out in law re: financial responsibilities to children on a day-to-day basis through child support tables and extraordinary expenses. In addition, the law sets out the division of assets, settlement of debts and equalization. For many these require goodwill if the parents are going to navigate years of co-parenting.

Articles are from government and newspaper websites. They may be dated and/or no longer available, but the topics remain relevant in most cases and allows you to do your own searches. They may help you determine the need for employing a lawyer or other support services.

WARNING: The issues raised in the above articles often come from unusual situations specifically and impact the general population of separating families. Arriving at fair settlements should be your goal and not protracted legal settlements.

Final Thoughts

 Economic survivability may be initially manageable but cannot survive the challenge/test of a job loss or unexpected health crisis.

Budgeting for many two income couples has sometimes become a lost skill. It needs to be found-asap. Readings and tips may be found throughout the Resource Hub to help find low cost activities, etc.

  • Many couples need to separate/remove their names from accounts and credit cards ASAP.
  • Wills need to be updated, including possibly, the wills of grandparents!

Money is a not so funny issue once a separation occurs. It can be a source of bitterness that impacts parenting relationships and used by one parent with the children in the blame game.

An Open Letter to Separating Parents re: Child Parenting Arrangements

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

In our You’re Still Dad support group parents often spoke about the issue re: joint custody vs. sole custody. Our experience after almost twenty years working with newly separating parents suggests that the risk to the non-sole custody parent’s relationship with their child is significantly endangered in a sole custody arrangement.

Occasionally sole custody may be the ‘inevitable’ outcome given certain parenting histories; but it should be the exception whenever possible.

There are approaches known as parallel parenting that provide protection for either parent from possible high conflict. These plans attempt to identify parenting situations (hopefully) that could lead to conflict.  (See Resources on Parallel Parenting)

Preventive measures may be necessary until the parents find a calmer place.  In the recommended resource for before and during separation, there is a document detailing situations that may need a focused remedy.

Separated parents often look back after a few years separated and realize that they were driven by anger and revenge, based on their own vulnerability.

Advocates for sole custody desire a parenting plan agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and thus each parent would be held accountable for what they signed i.e. the parenting plan. The parents will not argue because decision-making is in one parent’s hands. A parallel parenting agreement can be similar, except for the decision-making protocol.

The above sounds fine in theory; however, the reality on the ground is often vastly different.

On sole custody

Our experience with sole custody suggests that the parent with sole custody believe that they are the parent in control given their power to make parenting decisions for all matters not set out in the parenting plan. The sole custody parent may find certain parenting obligations to be ‘inconvenient ‘and often desire more flexibility as life transitions in many ways e.g. a new partner.

Sole custody is often viewed as a blank check and the other parent may be left facing a decision of returning to court to enforce an agreement from an already weakened parent/child relationship.

While it is often the father and the father-child relationship that is endangered, it is the core position of the our work that the mother’s relationship is also at risk over time, as noted from a reading of two attached case resources. It is also a core contention that parents want the best for their children over the long term and are more than capable of loving their child more than they are angry with their former, intimate partner.

Joint/Shared custody provides a backstop to erratic, punitive behavior. It makes it more difficult for a parent to break the parenting plan terms with near impunity. Shared custody arrangements that are agreed to set a foundation willingly/voluntarily for the long-term parenting relationship.

 A recommended document, Child Custody, Access, and Parental Responsibility (Executive Summary) summarizes the research on the joint custody vs. sole custody debate and positive outcomes vs. negative outcomes for families.

The author, Edward Kruk U. of B.C. has been an effective advocate for joint custody based on the findings of research that he provides. At the core, his interpretation of the research matches up with any parent’s common sense; namely, that the positive involvement, support and love of each parent and extended family offers every child the best opportunity to navigate life’s challenges following a family breakdown.

The following is a blend of Dr. Kruk’s research compilation, Alberta’s Parenting After Separation and the decade of work by Kids n Dad Shared Support. It is offered as support for separating parents who want the best outcomes for their children.

Highlights

  1. Currently, advocates often frame parenting after a separation as a conflict over mother’s rights vs. father’s rights and the core support for each side are feminists and father’s groups. The rhetoric is often harsh and self-serving and leads us down a path nowhere near meeting the needs of their child (ren). Equally disturbing, this approach can lead professionals working with families down a path about choosing one parent over the other parent.

This is a choice that was never considered when just days before separating the parents were cooperating, parenting partners and each child had two loving parents in their life. The week or even the day before deciding to separate each parent likely had no problem with leaving the child (ren) in the care of the child’s other parent.

  • ‘Research is clear that children fare best in their post separation life when they maintain meaningful, routine parental relationships with both of their parents beyond the constraints of a “visiting” or  “access” relationship…’

The research also finds that such relationships a) protect children from negative parental conflict; b) provide stable financial support;

  • What is shared or joint custody parenting time?

The mere fact that this is a question under debate seems somewhat bizarre. After all the children are the parents’ children, not the Court’s property to pontificate over. The state should have some influence on ensuring the parents take their responsibility in a serious way and understand the implications for their children. The child’s view of the world should be understood and considered. Understanding the child’s concerns/wishes provide a basis for the parents’ decision-making.

The above is stated within the framework that is advocated by others including Dr. Kruk. His research endorses a legal shared responsibility presumption of at least 40% time with each parent. This would only be rebuttable/altered in the case of proven child abuse or domestic violence. Child Abuse and domestic violence would be considered separately.

 It is important to note that 40-45% of first-time abuse occurs after a separation in families with no previous history of such abuse. This suggests that the current path for separating fails separating families. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse in the post –separated family is committed at similar rates by both parents.

               ‘Recent research finds that inter-parental conflict decreases within shared parenting.’

                Each parent has a stake in modelling civilized, cooperative relationship with the other parent.

               The 40% parenting time presumption is a set as a minimum parenting time for each parent.

  • How do children do in joint custody arrangements?” …children in joint custody arrangements fare significantly better on all adjustment measures than children who live in sole custody arrangements.” (Bauserman 2002) Study after study supports this finding and research informs us that a missing or minimal fathering role leads to significantly worse adjustment measures for children from separated families.

N.B. These are findings from research done from substantial populations. There are many children from separated, sole parent families that do journey through childhood/adolescence successfully.

Inter-parental cooperation increases over time in shared parenting arrangements! In our work with over 600 clients the ‘great fear’ is the loss of their involvement as a parent with their child. Every parent, moms, and dads have this same fear. For dads it is often more real, more in their face all the time. If the separated parents manage to navigate their way through the anger and risks that often follow, they often settle into a more comfortable relationship.

The ‘great fear’ is reduced and the partner that we did not trust earlier can be trusted now. Why? Because they want the best for their child. Your parenting goals are now in sync.

The 40% parenting presumption offers parental respect for the other parent and their importance and their extended family’ importance in the child’s live.

 Consider for a moment what message the current process delivers to one parent. Their struggle is to get one more overnight, one more long weekend, a birthday with their child on their actual birthday, a sense that they matter as a respected parent, etc.;

  • Changing workplace participation has resulted in shared parenting roles in the intact family. Most separated parents believe in a form of ‘joint custody’. This demonstrates a general recognition that the parents need each other to effectively parent their children to meet the responsibilities of career and parenthood.

There is unfortunately a caveat to the ‘joint custody’ application to parenting plans. The current reality in Canada is that contested cases predominantly end with a form of sole custody. In addition, ‘joint custody’ on the ground reality is that one parent, usually the mother, often end with that parent becoming a de factor sole custody overtime.

Any combination of factors may contribute to this outcome, but at its core is the fact that the parent with the dominant parenting time  feels entitled to exercise more control and the ‘other parent with less time (3-4 overnights in a 14 day cycle) feels less connected and less important in their child’s life. The ‘other’ parent must often work extremely hard to meet their parenting role as their life moves on to a new family (blended family) or what we call a complicated family. For the ‘other’ parent’ and their child ‘fitting’ into the minority access parent’s home is complex and difficult.

Joint custody as practiced in Canada disappointingly often becomes another form of sole custody over time. The unequal/ reduced parenting time impacts each parent and states to the child and others in the family circle that the ‘other’ parent is somehow lesser and/or at fault for what has happened.  The best option of shared parenting has often been negated with the first stroke of a parenting agreement that sets out a disparity in parenting time.

Therefore, the minimum of 40% parenting time is considered to be the ‘best’ foundation for ensuring two parents and two extended family’s participation in each child’s daily life.

Comments

This web site is designed to promote best practices for separated families by setting out the rights and responsibilities of parents. Our purpose is not to recommend an approach that is likely to fail parents, children and grandchildren.

The presumption of 40% parenting time for each parent with their child and for the child with each parent provides the best framework to achieve effective, shared parenting and meet the needs and desires of most children when their parents have decided to separate.

The parents would negotiate the remaining parenting time based on what makes sense for the changing family. The advantage of the 40% presumption is the ‘trust’ factor that emerges. A parent is more likely to be ‘flexible’ at meeting the child’s and other parent’s ever-changing schedules.

Parenting plans can basically be what the parents decide. Tools in the Resource Hub lay out several considerations. The resources include the research supporting our advocacy for the 40% minimum. Listen to the voices provided by children, parents and grandparents who describe their lifelong loss; their voices capture their gratefulness at their parents’ choice of civility and cooperation.

A dad in describing his journey to a parenting plan that was always less than desired or fair found satisfaction that he and his children had reached a place where they now ‘owned’ their relationship. What he could not understand is why the journey took such a toll to reach that place. Owning the relationship with your children should be a given for each parent and extended family. The role of any support service must be to support families in that doable quest.

An open letter to separated dads

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

“‘I like to see [my son] before the game. It makes me whole. He doesn’t watch the game out there. He watches in the back. For me, I tell him I love him. He tells me good luck. We have a talk. You’ve got a good thing like that going. I give him a kiss. You have that in your life, what have you got to be mad about. You go out and do your job with ease.’ (Kyle Lowry – basketball player, Toronto Sun Dec. 25, 2014

Fathers

Kyle Lowry captures the transformation that becoming a dad brought to his life. It changed and balanced his priorities– it broughttrue meaning to the rest of his life.

Every dad understands his words and relate to the transformation that takes place.

Talking about fathers is a complicated task, for many of us became a dad in many ways and through many diverse relationships. As such, the impact of separating may differ substantially, and the challenges faced to be an effective dad are different.

Our common starting point, however, must be remembered always and the continuation of that father-child relationship is crucial. Our common fear/risk must also be remembered; namely, that a separation from the other parent could lead to losing the relationship with our child.

While what I call the ‘fear’ may find a home in both parents, the on the ground reality for a dad is likely more real and more concerning.

There will be an opportunity to hear the words (voices) of fathers engaged in the everyday struggle to be an effective and loving parent.

Listen to the voices to understand the challenges; listen to be an inspired parent that provides your children with the gifts of character that are the best of you and may become the best in your child; listen to learn the tools necessary to be an effective parent and how you can acquire those needed skills.

Tools for fathering in a single parent household

  • Kids ‘n’ Dad’s approach is that the term single parent is inappropriately employed and may have an unfortunate consequence of becoming a self-fulfilling outcome.
  •  Every intact family creates two single parent homes and how it plays itself out for each family is to be determined. Marginalizing the other parent always works against the best interests of the children.
  • While we strongly endorse the presumption of a minimum of 40% parenting time for each parent, the reality at this point in time is this is not taking place. The imbalance (besides the effects on the child) has significant consequences on fathers in terms of the psychological/emotional impact, financial assets to provide desired opportunities for their child; and a sense of their long-term impact on raising their child.
  • The starting point must be to assess realistically the challenges that you face in your new single, parent household-i.e. the terms/conditions for setting up a home! As an aside, I did a terrible job of building a home for my children in the early weeks, months and even for two+ years. It could have cost me dearly.
  • Many dads, even with a middle-class income, probably are ill-prepared for the financial impact of a separation. Most families with children spend to their limits; any long-term savings coming from an appreciating home and contribution to a defined pension plan. Most families have credit card debt and car loans. I know that you get the picture.
  • Our Resources also aim to provide guidance on the a more cost efficient way to preserve your family assets to build two households.

Navigating the legal system

The legal system is not built around or for the separating dad and ensuring a strong, every day father-child relationship.

  • A working dad with income below $60,000 before taxes is likely to be squeezed and face on-going debt.
  • Do a realistic financial check-up! Assess what you need to build a new household. Make the necessary adjustments to goal setting. Try not to get into financial disputes with your child’s mother. They are likely no longer interested in your woes. They would rather find someone to listen to their woes.
  • Don’t involve the children in your financial disputes. Find alternative activities and opportunities, if necessary. Grandparents may provide opportunities for your children and basics for you. Grandparents can be complicated relationships in a separation.  Check out the Resource Hub Grandparents section for more.
  • This financial warning must be heard and heeded. You must be realistic and in this section there are ways to be an effective parent in cost efficient ways. These are the voices of other dads.
  • Being a dad in an intact home is very different than in a separating family. It is likely that no one was an overseer in the intact home. Your role as a dad had evolved and become a norm in which the parent- child relationship carried on. For most homes there was an agreed to comfort level.
  • Separating changes the agreed to comfort level/norm. Working toward a new normal is what the separating process is all about. Some fathers find their previously accepted parenting style under attack in the separating family.
  • In an earlier section on telling the children about the separation, it was suggested that you need to assess your relationship with each child- strengths, weaknesses, concerns- in order to be an effective dad.
  • Reflect on the months preceding the actual separation and whether the intimate partner separating that began much earlier had consequences on your parenting relationship with each child. That would not be uncommon for a dad.
  • As you work your way through this section make a list of the changes about to occur in your life. What do you need to support you through the next day or week or months to immediately become a supportive parent? Where can I find such support?
  • Talk to your employer about possible flexibility in work schedule re: meeting children’s schedules, while a more structured plan is put in place. Research suggests that the initial weeks and months are critical for separating fathers and their children.
  • In the old days (me), dads tended to move out of the family home. It is often not thought out and done out of a sense of failure and even caretaking. It is still occurring; but it is not recommended; unless an interim parenting plan is already agreed to by both parents.
  • Leaving the family home without the children and any firm parenting agreement begins your complicated, new parenting regime. Often our new/temporary place has no room for our children. Grandparents may or may not be an option depending on their age, location and relationship.

My personal experience after close to 25 years of marriage was that I was ill-prepared to live in a single household for the first time in my life. Even when my daughter came to live with me almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home. Everything was second hand i.e. legs falling off furniture, etc. I didn’t want my youngest daughter to stay with me for my place was so inadequate. Take a moment and think about my mistakes (a few listed below).

  1. Self-sacrifice at my personal expense. I thought I deserved to be punished; b) Penalized my youngest daughter and endangered my relationship with her by not doing sleepovers immediately; c) I had not thought out any parenting plan; d) I went into caretaking mode by thinking I could cope with anything. That was not true; e) Fill in any additional observations for me or yourself!

Steps

Rule 1

  • Find yourself a suitable place to be a continuing parent from the very beginning! This is a must. Think through your options. Talk to the children about the choices or proudly show them your new place and their bedroom, etc.
  • Don’t leave the intact home without a recognized parenting plan and a suitable place to go!

Rule 2

  • The suggestions in Rule 1 are intended to reduce the unpredictability, when one becomes a separated dad. Work through the additional parenting disruptions that must be covered off from day one. Your mindset must change!

 The reality is that unpredictability is likely going to be your constant companion for every personal relationship.

  • Consider that parenting routines may be gone immediately. Attending dance classes, hockey or ringette three days after separating is a formidable challenge. Seeing your children go off with the other parent is an emotional challenge.
  • Informing parents, best friends, colleagues and bosses of your separation and new address, contact number may feel intrusive and may result in self-doubt or feelings of anger or betrayal, if their response fails to meet your expectation.

Rule 3

  • Fathers may reflect on their role in the separating family. As stated earlier, in every family the parents have found their own way of shared parenting. Any number of factors including work, ages and needs of children have been a determining factor.
  • The role of being a dad is more essential and difficult in the separating and changed family!
  • Your role as dad was not challenged in the intact family. Your effectiveness maybe, but not who you are to the children! Your effectiveness may now be challenged and your love for the children may not be enough to sustain the relationship that your children and you need.
  • The default position is not a viable option. An intact home where the mother dominated decision-making and everything children is not a positive option going forward. It may have the consequence of children without their father in their life in a meaningful way.
  • If you were the kind of father that accepted taking your cues from the mother in the intact home, you have a lot of parenting preparation work to do. You may also face verbal or even legal assaults that you were not the primary parent; thus, you should now be even less of a parent.
  •  What was a more than acceptable role in the intact family is now working against you.

“Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship that you have with your children during the marriage.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Rule 4

‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ (Dr. Benjamin Spock)

  • Sound advice for both parents is perhaps more important for separating fathers. Normal conflict in an intact family can become escalated conflict in a separated family. The bad old ways that parents dealt with conflict over the years are no longer acceptable.
  • For a separating dad, some of these ways may be abusive or just as important considered abusive. Effective co-parenting does not thrive in an abusive relationship. The fault does not really matter; the consequences do.
  • Building more effective ways to talk to each other on parenting issues is a key tool. In our parenting section, there are some rules re: behavior necessary for effective co-parenting. In addition, there are several resources on co-parenting.
  • Effective co-parenting requires compromise. Fathers, who had lost their voice in the intact family on parenting concerns, may find that their voice is an unwanted intrusion to the mother. This can lead to more open conflict, reduced cooperation or simply fleeing day to day parenting. In all instances the children lose and as such the parents lose if their goal is to love their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
  • Courses and counselling programs are available for parents who find themselves repeatedly at odds.

Rule 5

  • Effective parenting following a separation is a moving target. Every relationship with your child is subject to the different stages of each child. Some we are prepared for, others may present unique challenges.
  • Many parents separate with children of toddler age or younger. A father from these families faced in years past a judicial approach that refused overnight stays for children before the age of four. While this has changed somewhat, it may be a factor found in assessments for the Courts. You also cannot legislate against judicial bias or a mother’s determination that she is the primary care parent.
  • As a separated father, you must prepare to be an effective parent and fill in any gaps in your parenting comfort level, especially, with younger children.
  • Every parent has gaps in their parenting resume. Own it and then do something about making it your strength!
  • Many dads express the importance of their daughters in their lives. They feel very close and protective. Research (often outdated or biased) in this area would suggest that fathers are less effective and needed as their daughters’ transition through the tween, adolescence and young adult stages of development. There is a moving away from healthy closeness. If this is followed then the father-daughter relationship is at risk during a critical moment in their daughter’s life.
  • A dad is more than capable of understanding and learning to become comfortable with their daughter’s transition into womanhood. If your daughter is uncomfortable with certain conversations, then supporting her to have her own family doctor, female school counsellor, etc.
  • My oldest daughter lived with me for the first years of my separation (age 16-18). I messed up on occasion, but she knew that I would always be there for her. That helped us build a relationship for a lifetime, through whatever.

Rule 6

‘Fathers that have their own special needs face obstacles to parenting their children. It is as if the community has decided that they are incapable of loving their children or of being loved by their children.’ – Barry Lillie, founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

  • Many dads who deal with mental health issues, disabilities and extreme poverty are often left out of the parenting loop. In an intact family, a parent’s illness would be an opportunity for caring and understanding for a child.
  • Parenting would not be considered impossible because a parent doesn’t have the resources to have an appropriate residence.
  • Most shelters for men/fathers are unsuitable for children. Protective shelters for kids and dad are virtually non-existent and receive virtually zero funding. Consider the messages delivered to children about their dad through the way our community supports a separated dad, especially one who has pre-existing health issues.
  • There is a wonderful film based on a true story called the Pursuit of Happyness. The father takes his child to a House of Friendship men’s shelter.

Rule 7

For all of the above rules, there is no certainty that the outcomes are going to be what you want for your children in their journey from childhood to adulthood. Of course, they are uncertain in an intact family, but a separated parent may feel more responsibility for less than ideal outcomes.

  • So hanging in is Rule 7. I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this web site. I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren. I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way. There was such a defining crisis. I always thought- hang in. Be ‘relentless’ in a patient way.
  • I apologize for the hanging in counselling. But when you receive advice or feel the need to flee consider a time-out and the steps necessary for your personal recovery.
  • While many of our resources advocate shared parenting (40% minimum), many clients have built wonderful, enduring relationships with their children with considerably less parenting time. My standard for the minimum parenting time is whether you are confident that you are able to build an enduring relationship that will continue into adulthood. I would not accept any parenting agreement that didn’t provide that opportunity.
  • For some dads, the parenting insult is all consuming. Feeling insulted is understandable; but you cannot allow your sense of injustice to interfere with being an effective parent. The risk is that there are common outcomes for most children of a separation (reread After My Parents Divorced) and eventually teens may make decisions re: their access to you or the other parent. It is too easy to become obsessed with the injustice.
  • Some dads surrender in order to survive. Living without their children and a legal fight without end is unbearable. If you are in this situation, you must get help. Survival is primary, then you build a life from that step. Your children will survive and some part of you is always part of them. I know that adult children are often better equipped to understand what happened to their family based on their own life experiences.
  • You are a role model for your children. They do observe and what they observe can be your gift to them on how to handle adversity and treatment of others.
  • I often say that I would never wish what my family went through to happen to anyone. However, in my calmer moments, I believe that I am a better parent and person for having gone through the chaos. The opening quote from Kyle Lowry makes clear what is important in life.
  • Parenting perfection doesn’t exist in the intact or changed family. Learn to forgive yourself and your child’s other parent. There is a big picture, the long game for separating parents. Try to keep it in mind when facing challenges. Don’t get so thrown off that you run away from parenting opportunities.
  • Don’t disappear or even worse become an in and out parent. It is difficult for even the best of ‘other’ parents to encourage parenting relationships in such circumstances.
  • It is easy to give up too soon. Situational depression is real for dads facing reduced parenting, loss of supports and living outside the family home.
  • Some dads are angry with their children in their teens. They expect more from them when they choose not to follow the access schedule. Teens are different. Read the section on teens and on alienation. Don’t give up on them! Everyone is wounded, even in the friendliest of separations with children. Children did not participate in the decision to separate.

Protecting Your Child as a Non-custodial Dad

Finally, many dads may face a high conflict parenting situation over access and care of the children.

What do you do? Authorities may see safety concerns about the mother’s parenting as a ploy re: trying to win custody of the child. F&CS are however obligated to do an assessment. You need to keep a record of concerns and the steps you have taken. You will likely not become aware of F&CS findings.

 In addition, a report may lead to a backlash by the mother and that could lead to a set of not so happy outcomes: a) interrupted access, initiated by the mother, even against the current parenting plan; b) your child’s being caught in the middle- interview by F&CS and targeted by the mother; c) confrontations on any child exchanges- high risk for abusive confrontations that can change parenting arrangements.

In our work and on a personal journey, assessing your child’s risk in the other home is extremely difficult. You can be found by authorities, such as F&CS or therapists, that you are ‘interrogating’ your child and putting words in their mouths. This is a concern.

My advice is that you must do your own evaluation. Remember that your idea of risk is quite possibly not the view of high risk by F&CS.

 I failed my younger daughter because I was unable to find a way to protect her. I was on the outside and the chaos overwhelmed me. It is my personal shame. In the end, a counsellor for my daughter made a change of residence happen at the age of 17. My daughter was then in her mid-adolescence and the chaos for her diminished.

As important, more calm allowed each parent- child relationship to be renewed in the long-term.

If what you see is high risk, then you must do what I failed to do. Seek the resources to intervene. There are lawyers who specialize in F&CS cases; there are child therapists (do your research), who place the child ahead of gender;

Do it with caution and for the best reason. You will have satisfied the most important quality of being a dad; namely, protecting your child!

 I made a commitment on the day my daughter came to live with me that I would never fail her again. It was the same commitment that I made to her when she was placed in my arms in the birthing room. The same commitment made by every dad who has graced my life.

 I have kept that promise.

“The greatest gift that you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”  – Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

I have yet to meet a father, who with the right support, cannot be an amazing dad…for a lifetime!

Please read over the resources for parents and selected voices of dads and others.

After my parents divorced, my childhood was no longer mine. It belonged to them

On By BarryIn Children, During Separation

This post includes many quotations from an article that originally appeared June 5, 2013 in the Globe and Mail. See the Globe website for the full article.

Children of divorced families often find themselves in a middle ground, managing expectations from family on all sides. In a daily personal essay submitted to the Globe and Mail, Leigh Ann Smith (a pseudonym) of Vancouver eloquently gives voice to the challenges of this situation for children. She writes:

I often had more than one birthday party as a kid. This sounds cool, but it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I am a child of divorce. My childhood wasn’t mine. It belonged to my parents.

I lost myself in every effort to appease each side of my family. Shuffling alone between two separate lives meant that I was on the fringe of each family, never an insider. The people I loved most were never in the same room together, and many of them barely even knew each other existed. I missed out on events and celebrations because I would have to spend time with my other family.

A rock and a hard place

Leigh-Ann, like other Voices of Children featured in our General Resources for Parents, was stretched thin managing many social connections. This brought her to a decision:

Children of divorce learn to cope with these inconsistencies and instability, but by the age of 10, I no longer wanted to deal with it. I didn’t want to live in two different homes with two different bedrooms, different clothes, different toys, different friends and different rules. I was a 10-year-old caught between a rock and a hard place.

So one day I told my dad that I didn’t want to visit any more. It was a courageous and ignorant act of defiance. We will never know if it was the right decision or not, but at that time neither one of my parents possessed the objectivity or emotional stability it would have taken to unearth a more positive solution. And so that was the way things went.

Inescapable consequence

It is common to feel a sense of responsibility for the discord between parents. If you’re a child of divorce reading this, see our section on Children for more support. Leigh-Ann describes this poignantly:

The power struggle that had lain dormant between my parents erupted again, and this time it was directed at me. This time, I was responsible for the discord. In one house, I was blamed; in the other, I was a victim.

Choice is met with consequences, and as time went on, I fell out of touch with my dad’s family. It’s hard to stay in touch with people connected to someone we have pushed away… Was that because it’s best to keep severed ties cut? Or was it my punishment for being a horrible child? All I knew was silence and loss.

Holidays for children of divorce

Leigh-Ann experienced periods of stability – her mom remarried, new cousins, stable traditions – and heard from her dad once or twice a year, but disruptions arose too.  Holidays in particular remained challenging.

I tried to keep in touch with family members every time I went home for the holidays. Again, I tried to please everyone while anxiety flooded my thoughts. Whom should I spend Christmas Eve with? Should I visit with this family or that one? Will they be offended if I don’t make time to see them?

…Two years ago, I moved back home and now I live less than a day’s drive away from all four of my families, their new spouses and young kids. We are all connected on Facebook, but my mom is still the only person who ever calls or visits….

Although they were my family, I was never theirs…Sometimes, divorce spreads us too thin to make any real, lasting family connections.

Divorce often isolates children, and Leigh-Ann took lessons from her experience. When she married into a Maritime family, she went in planning to build a future of joy, welcome, and hospitality with her new family.

For more voices of children of divorce or further reading on navigating holidays and isolation, see these posts:

Older Children and a Separation- The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children develop to a certain age i.e. late- adolescence or early 20’s- to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and appear remarkably independent.

 I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that this age group/your child will likely have to accept/endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities and for sure they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction i.e. who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance, here.

A family unit that has always remained intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that these children have known. For some parents at this stage, there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage; it is my time to find happiness’. That is not an unreasonable feeling, but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise, your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Personal Note: my son was 19+ when his mother and I separated. It was ‘assumed’ that he would manage (at least I assumed) the family breakdown. His reality of course was something different. As unhappy intimate partners, we failed to anticipate the impact on our 19 year old son.

A parental split rarely/never go as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition, there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become long-lasting.

 Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited opportunities with your child. Different perspectives of older children can cause serious, long-lasting rifts.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended, negative outcomes are more likely to endure, when older children are no longer under the same roof. There is less together time to repair the damage/to work it through. In addition, each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child.

1. Reaction is very individual.

2. Any # of symptoms.

3. Often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.

4. Often blame one parent. See the other parent as being abandoned.

5. They may also decide to live separate lives.

Make your own list for your children and your common and unique parent-child relationship!

Possible steps

  • An adult explanation.
  • No side taking in conversation with your child.
  • Marriage happened- Shared history.
  • Serious thought given to explanation i.e. honest without defamation.
  • Find ways to manage family events and including extended family/grandparents.
  • Issues: Inheritance, Financial; Children’s education.

Thoughts

  • Flexibility re: schedule with children.  Persistent in making getting together happen. Manage with calm and understanding re: difficulty at making arrangements.
  • Transition to a ‘sort of ‘adult relationship. They are still a ‘child’, but like all growing children, the style of the relationship is changing- even more so in these circumstances.
  • Each child’s reaction is unique to them and often based on their recent past relationship with each parent.
  • Flexibility on finances i.e. child support and other expenses. I say this because at this age the children may set their own schedule, based on their whims and the parent in favour.
    • If you can work out a formula to pay additional costs (if needed) to one parent (if they exist), you can reduce the children’s sense of blaming one parent or the other re: financial shortfall or decisions that affect their lives.
    • Finding a process or the will to implement a fair system can lead to less conflict for future family get togethers.
  • New dating relationships often trigger reactions from a former partner and from children. It adds a permanence- a forever changed piece that the intact family is ending and new relationships are beginning.
    • It may not matter to the ‘non-moving on former partner’ that you did it in a tactful, timely and sensitive way. Their reaction often has negative repercussions on the children and their initial reactions. You can only do your best at managing the situation. Your former partner could do dangerous or manipulative actions and you need to be prepared for that possibility, and take appropriate, protective steps. This can be very dangerous stuff!
  • Often one partner is ready to move on, the other isn’t or changes their mind from being ready. Sometimes in doing so, the moving on parent may feel the wrath of family, friends and children in the timing of dating. Older children can be volatile, and their negative judgment can be devastating to a parent, especially when added to that of other significant persons in your life.
  •  One has to be cautious BUT you are the only one who knows the past history of aloneness from a long-term, empty, intimate relationship. Don’t beat yourself up over the reactions of others. Consider the best, next steps.
  •  Often, they are to carry on and time will simply move every one past the current objections. There is no excuse for dangerous behaviors by the other party. In short, simply be the best parent that you can be in these circumstances!

See recommended resources in adolescence and young adulthood!

Parenting Responsibilities: A Code of Conduct Template

On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

The following is a sample template for a Code of Conduct for use in co-parenting:

The parents agree to the best of their ability to follow the code of conduct set out below in order to ensure that ____________ and   ____________  have the best opportunity to grow into happy, resilient and responsible young adults.

A New Family Bill of Rights (from Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House)

  • Each child has the right to have two homes where she is cherished and given the opportunity to develop normally.
  • Each child has the right to a meaningful, nurturing relationship with each parent.
  • Each parent and child has the right to call themselves a family regardless of how the parent’s time is divided.
  • Each parent has the responsibility and right to contribute to the raising of his or her child.
  • Each child has the right to competent parents and to be free from hearing, observing, or being part of their parents’ arguments or problems with one another.
  • Each parent has the right to his or her own private life and territory and to raise the children without unreasonable interference from the other parent.

What Kids Need To Hear (from Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis)

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with Mom and one with Dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them.
  • Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will not be asked to choose one parent over the other, to act as a messenger or as a spy.
  • They will not be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Parent 1:                                                                          Parent 2:

.

Resource Recap: Judith Wallerstein on child development

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation, Parents

This post is part two of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts: book overview and Telling the Children for more.

The book by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

This summary article focuses in particular on divorce and child development from infancy to young adulthood.

Zero to Three

  • Most couples report that pregnancy is some of the happiest times of the marriage.
  • The arrival of the baby can act as a rival that can threaten the marriage.
  • The husband can feel hurt and angry if the wife spends more time and energy on the baby and ignores the husband.
  • The baby needs to establish confidence in the world around them and feel safe and secure.
  • Babies are sensitive to conflicts and tensions around them.
  • If a baby witness anger they will cry and shows signs of distress.
  • They may reject being fed or refuse going to sleep.
  • Postpartum depression is also a serious concern for the parents and they should seek professional advice if it occurs.
  • If the baby is restless, colicky or does not respond well to be comforted then the impacts of the divorce/troubled marriage are more severe.
  • There can be delays in the baby’s development.
  • The atmosphere that the parents creates for the child is important. Safety and trust are key or otherwise the child may feel unsafe, unprotected or helpless.
  • For the first few months it is important to be calm with yourself and around the baby.
  • For the early months you should get to know and love your child. The child needs to know they can absolutely count on you.
  • The parent- child bond needs time to grow
  • The mother’s ability to provide a supply of milk to the baby also depends on her being relaxed.
  • The father child relationship also needs support from the mother in the early months and years.
  • If one parent moves out the primary carve-giver should explain to the child that they will be back soon.
  • Babies are aware when a person they are used to seeing is gone.
  • Play with the father is important- young children look forward to this playful roughhousing.
  • Despite any difficulties between the parents they should both look to play an active role in the baby’s life.
  • Sometimes it might be needed to get help from another relative such as your mother or an in-law.
  • New caregivers should be eased in gradually into the child’s life.
  • They should be familiar with your baby and the routine that is in place.
  • A baby or toddler should not be put into daycare until at least a few months after the breakup. The child will need time to get used to the new setting.
  • Pay close attention to the child’s temperament for changes indicate the struggle that they may be dealing with.
  • Sometimes other obligations may need to be put on hold.
  • The parents should do their best to support each other despite their differences.
  • You should be loving and kind to your self. Remember and do those activities that provided relief for you in past stressful occasions. It is not a selfish step.

Three-, Four-, and Five-Year-Olds

  • Children at this age tend to think the adults in their life are in control of everything.
  • A divorce can disturb the child’s sense of a secure world where all their needs are met.
  • They may wonder what will happen to them, who will feed them and who will take care of them.
  • Children at this age don’t comprehend how long a day or week is. When they don’t see someone for a week they think that person is gone for good.
  • They also don’t understand the sudden moodiness or irritability in parents or why they are no longer available for the activities the child used to enjoy such as being tucked in at night.
  • A child at this age wouldn’t understand that some disruptions in their routine may only be temporary.
  • They may wonder if one parent can leave the other, can both parents leave me? This is one of their main worries at this time.
  • The child can one day wake and suddenly one of the parents is gone. The child rarely knows about the divorce ahead of time. This is not uncommon especially if there is a triggering event. This can sometimes lead to long-term estrangement and alienation between a parent and child, especially if the child is 10+.
  • It is important to reassure the child that both parents are still there for them.
  • Younger children have few ways to comfort themselves and so they suffer more than older children.
  • The child can cling to the primary caregiver and refuse to stay in the daycare.
  • Their life at this time is high in anxiety.
  • Young children can be likely to believe that they are the cause of the divorce.
  • Children are not yet able to comprehend that two people can have differing opinions and personal differences.

Active Parenting Steps for this age group

  • Children at this age are very responsive to comforting. Soothing words and hugs are helpful but not always enough.
  • Children need more of their parent’s time because they are afraid they will be abandoned like the parents abandoned each other.
  • One of the best things to do for the child is to keep all the same routines going from before the divorce.
  • If the child is in day care, it might be helpful to spend a little more time with them at the beginning of the day before leaving from work.
  • It is also important to be on time when picking them up.
  • The parent should make an effort to stay at home most weeknights and spend time with the child.
  • The child should be encouraged to play with you and other children.
  • When you tuck in the child assure them you’ll be there in the morning to greet them.
  • If the child is fretful or asks for you to spend more time with them, you should do it.
  • Children like a routine and predictability. Let them know about something they can look forward to in the coming days.
  • A child needs a parent who can relax their fears about being abandoned.
  • It is okay to sleep with a child who is afraid of being alone or request it; but it should not be a regular routine. An important part of growing up is also learning independence and to separate from the parents at night.  If this continues for a prolonged period it will be very difficult for the child to fall asleep alone.
  • Younger children do better if any changes are introduced slowly.
  • Children who are resilient can handle multiple changes more easily- not many adults are resilient enough, nor are children at this age.
  • If you cannot take time off work or reduce your working hours it is important to find someone else who can provide affectionate care such as an in- law or your parents. The person left in charge should share your same values about how to care for the child. Difficult separations unfortunately often add one set of grandparents to the loss of essential relationships to children.
  • Sometimes older children may take on additional responsibilities.
  • Sometimes you can come home once in a while unannounced to check in.

Parenting Plans

Their parenting style needs to be more hands on and active in this age range.

  • The parents when creating an interim parenting plan and eventually a permanent plan need to consider carefully the child’schanging needs.
  • For a separated dad this may require changes in their time commitment to their child at a time when finances may be an issue. In some ways there is a dilemma for fathers who are paying substantial child support and what is suggested that they should do as a parent.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • It is a good idea to tell the child ahead of time about the separation.
  • “We both love you and will continue taking care of you” is a reassuring phrase for the child to hear.
  • Remember that abandonment is one of their main fears.
  • When you put the child to bed at night remind them you are close by, such as in the other room.
  • After you drop them off at daycare remind them you (or someone else) will be there to pick them up.
  • The child may also need to be reassured that both parents are well taken care of too. If dad is not there anymore the child may wonder if he is okay.
  • When travelling between the two homes treat the child with great tenderness and sensitivity.
  • What is just a short trip for the parent may be very frightening journey for the child.
  • It might be helpful to treat the transitions to the new home like the first day of school. Maybe point out the new landmarks on the way, like a church or store. This can make the journey less frightening.
  • If they enjoy this activity you can teach them to count things along the way like houses, blocks or mail boxes. A counting game can build confidence and take their mind off their worries.
  • Children are not just worried about leaving home but also returning.
  • Reassure the child you will be there when they get back. A phrase like “have a wonderful time” can be helpful.
  • It is good if the child knows what they will be doing with the other parent ahead of time.
  • Marking days on a calendar so they know where they will be spending which day is helpful. At five years old number skills and a grasp of time are better developed.
  • It is important to always repeat that you are there for the child and not going anywhere.

See our other resources on telling the children.

Six-, Seven-, And Eight-Year-Olds

  • Children at this time are living in two worlds. One is at home with you and the other is at school with his friends.
  • Now they begin to learn that games have rules and they can’t be changed.
  • They are having their first encounter with the discipline of the classroom and demands of learning.
  • They begin to understand more that mom and dad don’t control the world.
  • They are now capable of amusing themselves and feeding themselves if the parent puts out the food.  They can also go to sleep on their own.
  • If the divorce occurs at this time one of the biggest fears of the child is that his recent social advances may fail. Bedwetting and thumb sucking can reappear.  Regressing suddenly in many previously acquires skills/stages are not uncommon. Hopefully they will be short-lived through parental care over anger and criticisn by either or both parents.
  • In order for their development to continue they need to feel secure and that they have a family they can count in.
  • They may feel angry and cranky and have difficulty focusing on school work.  It may also lead to violent behaviour and isolate them from other children at school.
  • They may worry that when they arrive at home you won’t be there.
  • If the dad is late to pick them up at an agreed time then they may think he will never arrive.
  • If mom is late coming home then they may think that mom has disappeared.
  • Whereas the fear in younger children might be “who will feed me” the fear now might be “where are my parents”.
  • The main reactions to divorce at this age tend to show up in the classroom or playground.
  • Their grades in school can suffer after a divorce and some children can lose up to a year.
  • At this age reading is the primary task that children learn, and it is made more difficult.
  • They may be afraid of one parent finding another family and that they will be replaced.
  • At this age children will still blame themselves for the divorce.
  • Children won’t make a connection between conflict and divorce.
  • Most parents will assume that a child at seven years old will recognize that arguments mean there is trouble in the marriage, but this is not the case.
  • The interim parenting plan almost always has one parent leaving the matrimonial home, even if the residence (home) is eventually sold. Most often it is the father unless the mother has left and taken the children to her parents’ home or to a temporary shelter.
  • Contact with the dad should quickly be arranged to reassure them that dad has not left for another family.
  • The father should set up a home where the child can visit and reside for parts of the week.
  • The visit to the new home should occur within a week or so of the breakup.
  • The child should be told as soon as possible about any new schedules of visitation.
  • If problem behaviours occur at school, it is important to sit down with the teacher and tell them about the divorce. The parent and the teacher need to work out a plan together for the child.
  • It is important to remember that the child is hurting and needs support. Patience and understanding are needed.
  • When the child’s behaviour improves you should reward them and give hem praise.
  • The child needs to get back to their regular activities.
  • Continuing their work in the classroom and making friends is important in their development.
  • Sleepovers, birthday parties and other events with friends are important.
  • Extracurricular activities are important to maintain as well.
  • The child should know the phone number of both parents and how to each them. The school should also know which parent to call in case of an accident or disruption in school.
  • Children at this age still need a lot of care. The regular schedule should continue to be maintained and reassurance should continue to be given.
  • Almost all the activities mentioned above are interrupted for the child in the early weeks and months as they attempt to sort out even the basics of separated life with children.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • Children still need to hear all the same things as younger children: the divorce is not their fault and both parents still love and care for them.
  • They should also be encouraged with their school work and given help when needed.
  • Children may also need advice about handling problems they may have with friends or at school.
  • If the child is disruptive at school, they should be told that the behavior can’t be tolerated. Don’t let the child boss you around.
  • Boys may become disruptive at home or acting like their father. If they begin to yell then they should firmly be told to stop.
  • Children at this time have high anxiety so routines or appointments should not be changed abruptly.
  • Supporting the child’s extracurricular activities and friendships should be a priority. For example, paying for lessons or buying sports equipment.
  • Transportation is important for the events as well. If neither parent can drive them then perhaps ask another relative. If it is ultimately impossible then explain to the child how sorry you are and when things settle down you will try to make sure someone is available.
  • Children at this age may feel like they can’t have any friends over because there are no adults in the house after school. It is important to find someone who can be there at leas once a week to greet and supervise the child and their friends.
  • The child needs encouragement from both parents to continue learning and enjoying new activities.
  • Parents can understand a child’s reasonable reaction by thinking about their reaction to not having an in-house parenting partner and a life that in the early stages is so busy and complicated.

Nine-and Ten-Year-Olds

  • Children at this age are in a new development stage. They are being drawn out further away from home and more into the world of their peers.
  • They can think for themselves and keep it separate from what others believe. They have more independence and responsibility.
  • They have also reached a skeptical stage where they may be critical of teachers and other adults. They expect adults to earn their respect.
  • Children at this age can think better about the future and moral issues.
  • They might get bored with the company of their parents and prefer to spend time with peers or other adults with specialized skills such as a coach.
  • They can read other people’s mood more accurately.
  • They begin to understand abstract concepts more and can understand their own behaviour and that of others.
  • With a divorce they will be upset with the disruptions in their home life.
  • They aren’t as concerned about who will take care of their physical needs as younger children.
  • The child expects the parents to provide the foundation for their life. To help support them but more “behind the scenes”. The child likes to take the center stage.
  • The divorce takes the attention away from the child.
  • Children at this age are more competent and can sense that adolescence is coming up soon.
  • While children may appeal cool on the surface about the divorce, the anxiety levels are likely quite high.

Anger

As you read this section, be aware that you are entering the most ‘dangerous’ stage for parent-child estrangement or alienation. It is important to read the section on Alienation/Estrangement on parental behaviors that contribute to these tragic outcomes. Children are most vulnerable to a parent’s failings as they enter this and later stages.

  • The child believes they are the center of the family.
  • A key reaction to the divorce is anger.
  • The anger can be directed to one parent or both. They are upset they are not the center of attention anymore.
  • The child is afraid of losing the parents and the support they provide for the child’s development and growth.
  • The child may enlist younger siblings and begin to criticize the parents more.
  • They may begin to act more like the boss of the house.
  • The anger can become a problem at school and result in behaviours such as truancy, petty theft, or siding with one parent over the other.
  • The real goal is to force the parents to reverse the divorce.
  • The anger is usually directed to whichever parent the child feels is most responsible for the divorce.
  • The parent who gets attacked may not even be responsible for the divorce.
  • A life time of loving care can change overnight from the child’s anger.
  • They don’t understand the feeling and reasons that have led to the divorce.
  • The child at this age can be good at playing one parent against the other in order to get what they want. This works even better when the parents are divorced since there is less contact between the parents.
  • Each parent should make the rules in their own household.
  • If the stories the child says about one parent are ignored they will often stop.
  • The parents should not be drawn into the good guy, bad guy games the child might want to play.
  • It can be hard to see the anger from your child and being told that you are selfish.

Compassion

  • Even with the anger children at this age are worried about their parents.
  • They are learning to read body language and can be fairly accurate.
  • They may be eager to comfort you, hug you or sit beside you when you look like you are down.
  • Morality is important at this age and children care about what is right and wrong.
  • A growing child wants to respect his parents and see them as virtuous. When they see a parent doing something ‘wrong” it can cause them a great deal of suffering.
  • If the parent is involved in infidelity for example the child will confront them on it.
  • There is often considerable moral ambiguity for a child as well as parents who often send mixed and complicated messages i.e. I still love your mother (dad), but we can’t live together any longer.
  • While the child is a part of an ongoing family they feel safe and comfortable. This is threatened by the divorce.

Possible Steps

  • Clear rules against rude language, hitting and yelling should be insisted upon for both at school and at home.
  • It is important for the child to feel that the parent is in control.
  • Don’t become defensive and get caught in accusations.
  • Children at this age can form their own thoughts. Saying something against you doesn’t mean they were coached by the other parent (ex).
  • It is important to explain to the child that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. During the accusations it is possible you might lose your temper and yell at the child. That is okay but you should apologize afterwards and explain why it upset you.
  • Try not to feel guilty as a result of the accusations.
  • Time outs can sometimes help to deal with aggressive children.
  • Other children can get more withdrawn instead. They may prefer to just watch TV alone.
  • Some children may take a step back in development and they need serious attention if this happens. Professional help may sometimes be needed.
  • If the child is withdrawn, ask if they are sad or worried and why. Get more details from them. Maybe somebody at school is the cause.  See if there is anyway that you can help.
  • Contacting the teacher to see how they are at school can be helpful.
  • The school can have a list of experts who work with children or the pediatrician can be helpful as well.
  • If you consider taking your child to someone, look at their training and experience first. See if you can arrange to talk with the person first and then decide if they a re a good fit.
  • Help should be sought out prior to the onset of adolescence if it is needed.
  • Parents who continue to fight or talk negatively about the other parent can be subject to a child’s rejection. The chances are that the negative words don’t match up with the child’s reality. It takes constant verbal abuse (alienation) to emotionally reject their other parent.
  • Parents need to treat each other with civility.
  • You want the child to grow up and be moral and considerate in their relationships.
  • Some parents forget the importance of being a role model after divorce.
  • It is an important time to behave morally and sensibly.
  • Moral authority is needed to help guide the child into adolescence.
  • New love affairs are better kept discreet for the time being. Children at this age won’t have the frame of reference to understand or sympathize with you. In our section on ‘Blended families’ there is a discussion about dating and telling the children and the children’s other parent.
  • If the ex has left and made no attempts to contact the children, it is important to comfort them and be honest with them.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Talk with your child about current and future plans that might include their friends or make plans with other families to go out and have fun.
  • If the child engages in theft, take them back to the store right away to return the items.
  • If the child is truant at school, make sure they know attending school is a non-negotiable expectation.
  • Be clear and direct about what is expected in terms of behaviour.
  • If the child is blaming one of the parents for the divorce, don’t try to explain how they are wrong or try to offer more details about the breakup. Sit the child down and tell them when things settle down you can explain more.
  • Acknowledge any concern from your child or efforts to help. “It means a lot to me that you are concerned. You are a wonderful son/daughter and I love you”.
  • Keep an eye on the child’s schedule and make sure they have enough time for play and friends.
  • Cultivate a sense of ongoing family as soon as possible. The purpose of the FRRP.
  • Set up recreational activities you can do together such as: camping, dining, bowling.
  • Include your child’s friends when possible.
  • The parents can each help the child on homework and assignments. The task can be divided up based on each parent’s strength.
  • Set an example of courage, honesty and respect for your child. At this age they can keep you on your toes in being strong and maintain high ethical standards.
  • Children at this age can tolerate being away from you for a day or two. After the first year it is okay to give yourself the occasional weekend off to relax and recharge.
  • Don’t overreact to a child’s anger.
  • Your job is to protect the child and keep them on course to adolescence.
  • They need structure, kindness and rules. They need to understand the post divorce family is still strong and stable.

Eleven-, Twelve-, and Thirteen-Year-Olds

  • The reaction to divorce at this age can be anything and varied. The adolescent might be in full blown panic or show indifference. Either way they are likely to be surprised or taken aback by the news.
  • They are capable of shielding their feelings from you and themselves.
  • After twelve to twenty hours the initial panic tends to subside.
  • Some children may have the impulse to run away.
  • There is a lack of age-related symptoms in this group. The behaviours shown by children of this age can be more difficult to manage.
  • Next to early childhood this is maybe the most hazardous time for a child to experience divorce.
  • The most common reaction can be a rush into risky teenage behaviour.
  • They may believe the divorce has lessened the rules and lifted constraints, so they may get involved in more risky behavior. This includes unprotected sex and drug use.
  • There can also be a denial that there is any effect on them from the divorce. It is more common in children who do well in school where they get a lot of recognition.
  • Some children indeed do seem unaffected and continue to move forward as usual. At a later time they may be willing to talk about it.
  • If the child is doing well in school and does appear to be unaffected there is no need to force a conversation. Instead wait for them to come to you.
  • If you can recapture your old feeling during adolescence you will have a better idea of what the child is feeling.
  • There are differences in development between the genders. In general, both will experience hormonal changes, rising sexual urges and a need for more independence and separation.
  • Risks seem to excite them, and their judgment is poor.
  • Children need a strong stable family and good parenting.
  • No matter how you announce it, divorce weakens the family.
  • Two parents living separately is not a secure family.
  • The parents might be focusing more on themselves and the divorce and less on the child. The child can feel alone and unprotected.
  • Without the active guidance and strict limits from adults’ adolescents can be more tempted into trouble behaviour by peers.
  • There are all kinds of groups and cliques in the late grades and high school and the child will be tempted to join one of them.
  • The child will find it difficult to talk to the parents about their anxiety since the parents are also dealing with their own issues.
  • If the child feels like the world is collapsing they are more likely to be drawn into trouble behaviour.
  • Children from divorced families are more easily influenced than those from intact families.
  • Girls in particular can have more, mood fluctuations. Support from the parents is important and they need to hear what growing up is like, and the importance of self esteem. They need boundaries that will keep them safe.
  • They need to hear from their father about what growing up was like and that there is more to becoming a man than just getting muscles.
  • Again while these are standard observations for adolescents in an intact family as well, the evidence suggests that the risks are heightened for separating families. It also can lead to a parental blame game. In addition children in these early adolescent stages can become receptive to choosing the ‘other’ parent. There is an alternative out there for many.

Possible Steps

  • Try to keep the home as safe as possible and keep routines as consistent as you can.
  • Enforce the rules and teach them to look and listen instead of making quick judgments and acting on impulse.
  • A general expectation should apply; namely, that the care parent specifically, and the other parent hopefully will know where the child is. But the same expectation is true for the adolescent child- they too know where their parents are and have access to reaching them. I believed strongly in that expectation in my intact family, in my co-parenting family and in my reconstituted family. Adolescents often need you and rarely are those times predictable or on your schedule. It is called choosing to be a parent.
  • Coming home nightly to an empty house can terrify them.
  • Without home supervision they can get into risky behaviours.
  • Try to provide some structure at home.
  • Too much freedom is not helpful to the child at this time.
  • It might be possible to provide some kind of job for them such as babysitting.
  • If the child works for you, you should pay a standard rate.
  • Volunteer work in the community can also be helpful. It can help to build a sense of responsibility and compassion.
  • Kids at this age can learn to do simple cooking, gardening and cleaning.
  • A cell phone can be a good tool for children who don’t come straight home from school. It is important to know where the children are but not to ask too many details as they may feel you don’t trust them. When they check in thank them and let them know you appreciate it.
  • If you are held up somewhere and will be late you should also let the child know. Extend the same courtesy you would expect from them and lead by example.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Although the child may pretend that they understand certain adult issues, at this time it is likely beyond their comprehension.
  • If the child asks you about any new partners or affairs you shouldn’t lie to the child, but keep details to a minimum.
  • It is important to have conversations with your child. Even if it feels they are not listening they can hear your message. You are showing that you do have interest in them.
  • There are rules and you expect the child to follow the standard of behaviour you have layed out. It is easier to talk with your child if you have a closer relationship. Use humour if you can.
  • Don’t withdraw even if they appear not to listen.
  • It’s important to talk about moral issues but also be honest with your mistakes if they point them out.
  • Moms can help daughters by being a loving sympathetic parent, not a buddy. Listen patiently as they tell you about any problems they may have.
  • Dads can also have a close relationship with their sons. A boy at this age needs a parent to respect, not a pal.
  • Both genders need parents who are not afraid to talk about moral values, love, friendships and loyalty,
  • If the child finds out about an affair you had before the divorce they may confront you on it. It’s important to be honest about it.
  • Your goal is that your child feels comfortable in asking questions and getting straight answers.
  •  Both parents should discuss birth control and safe sex.
  • Children need actual information on these issues and not just prohibitions from their parents.
  • Children also need to be taught about drugs, smoking and alcohol.
  • It is important to keep the children on track and make sure they grow up into moral and loving adults.
  • Adolescence can be a perilous time for every child and even more so when the family is weakened by divorce.
  • Keep communication open with your child. They should know you are ready to talk and listen if they have any problems.

See our post on separation and older children for more on development stages.

Resource recap: Alienation readings

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, During Separation

For more on alienation see the Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation.

Please find below just about everything that you never wanted to know, but need to know, about alienation and estrangement. The readings are in different sections, but are obviously intimately connected.

These cases have been the most troubling in my 20+ years working with alienated/estranged parents. The impact is heartbreaking for the parent and grandparents of the impacted child(ren). Many stepfamilies are unable to survive the stress.

It is common (understandable) to become obsessed in this kind of situation and be focused on what is happening and not on how to mitigate the impact through positive steps. Remaining healthy through the chaos of alienation is perhaps the most important survival tool for a parent.

The following are possible resources that may help you under stand what is taking place in your life. Understanding is a first step because friends may simply think it is just you being angry – ‘you have lost it!’ One link below includes a survey to help you determine what you are facing and therefore set out an approach to limit the impact.

External resources and tools

The following tools were created by organizations or professionals that support separated/separating families.

  1. Explaining Alienation (PAS), Estrangement, Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP)
  2. Parental Alienation Syndrome – a questionnaire for self assessment
  3. Hostile Aggressive Parenting – a questionnaire for self assessment
  4. Parental Alienation- Information Page for the Alienated Parent (Gene C. Colman); Mr. Colman is a noted lawyer and advocate/researcher on this topic.
  5. Parental Alienation Cases: Will the courts switch custody? (Gene c. Colman); Look up other research done by Mr. Colman for more on this topic
  6. Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It (J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh – experts in this area).
  7. Parenting After Separation Participant’s Manual – Section C – The Alienated Child Family Law in Alberta
  8. Campaign: Ask DSM to Include Parental Alienation in Upcoming Edition (Fathers and Families)
  9. Parenting Plan for High Conflict Families (Parenting After Separation Alberta). A resource to prevent escalation of conflict.
  10. That toxic tug of war (Globe & Mail, April 24, 2009 by Justice Harvey Brownstone). This Justice speaks out on what he sees in his court and his solution for changing outcomes.
  11. Hague convention (Government of Canada). This is the ‘world court’ that governs international child abduction.
  12. Parental Alienation – Keeping Families Connected; A resource to identify, battle and recover from the devastating effects of PA and PAS.

Case studies

Actual situations that capture the tragic impact of different forms of alienation.

Kids ‘n’ Dad posts on alienation

The following essays submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dads from our clients reflect the many impacts of alienation on all family members.

Readers may also find Barry’s Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent useful as a tool to help reconnect an adult child and parent.

Final comments on alienation

Depression, individual and extended family, is very common for families in high conflict cases. The recommended resources provide an incomplete range of outcomes. Remember the tragic outcomes can often be for a lifetime. Seek out professional support for your family early on (warning signs noted), make sure that the support has a two parent strategy in place and what that looks like.

Families are profoundly harmed in these situations. Don’t get caught up in PAS debate. It is the behaviors that impact children and alienated family members. Review the resources in Section 1 and check off actual observed behaviors. This will help you understand your situation and to identify what next steps need to be taken.

Please look over the entire site for different topics that may help you understand what is taking place. Sometimes we jump too quickly to a PAS diagnosis when some steps by the other parent fall into dull to normal actions by a separating parent trying to put in place two home boundaries e.g. changing the locks on the matrimonial home.

An Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Before Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.

The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.

How alienation happens

It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.

How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.

The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.

 It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.

Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.

In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling.  The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.

Case study: Penny and her parents

Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court.  As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.

The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!

 Comments on the case

The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.

The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.

It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.

The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.

The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.

Note the following about Penny’s case

  • The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
  • The tragic impact on their daughter;
  • The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
  • The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
  • The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
  • Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
  • The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
  • The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
  • Grandparents’ loss over the years.

There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge.  He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.

What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.

In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.

Alienation or estrangement?

How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.

 If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.

The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.

The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.

The legal system and alienation

False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.

 Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).

A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.

The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.

A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.

Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness

Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.

Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.

While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts   for future parenting.

These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.

Domestic Violence, Intimate Partner Abuse/Violence

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Note: This paper was composed years ago to understand the complexity and broad range of issues within this topic. It is a resource list – some may be dated, however most are educational and comprehensive.

Do your own research. Find support services to help in your recovery if a victim or a perpetrator.

There are many difficult issues connected to any discussion of this topic, and it is specifically so in a family setting. Once violence or other forms of abuse become public the intimate relationship is likely to end and the intact family is likely going to come to an abrupt end.

** There are programs available from counselling, the John Howard Society and Family and Children Services to name a few that may calm the family situation.

I am writing this as someone who has two adult daughters and one adult son, and several granddaughters and grandsons. My wish is that they live in an environment free from being victimized by abusive behaviors or from being an individual who commits abusive acts.

In the recommended resources, there are several articles on signs a) of abusive behaviors; b) of being a victim; c) of gender abuse against women and/or men; d) of support services designed to protect victims, etc.

In our work at Kids n Dad Shared Support and through this website our mission is to find approaches that prevent such behaviors and ensures children remain connected to each parent and extended family.

Please read carefully the materials provided below. An intimate relationship breakdown, even in relationships with no history of abusive behavior, can precipitate high risk/volatile situations once the separation is initiated and during the difficult, early weeks and months.

Finding supports for these initial discussions re: separating may be necessary and appropriate for families who have experienced volatility during their relationship. The worst potential outcomes for children, parents and extended families may occur in the way you end the intimate relationship.

Below are resources over a comprehensive range of topics on Domestic Violence. They were done a few years ago but set out potential direction for matching your situation.

What is relationship conflict or abusive behavior?

Below are recommended resources to understand these issues.

Possible Actions/Supports