Category: During Separation

Money matters and separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal

Note: The following was written a few years ago and as such resources may be difficult to find; however, the subject matter/issues remain. Use the different sections to find more recent articles. The legal section also include information re: financial obligations.

Reality Check!

Two homes cost more than one home! Family income is unlikely to change in the short or medium future. The initial weeks and months are likely even more expensive and may lead to rising debt levels for most separating families. A lack of civil discourse or cooperation may delay the urgent need to change financial habits.

Another common characteristic for many couple breakdowns is overspending in the months leading up to the actual separation. Money issues in the intact family are a leading cause for a relationship to end.

Listed below are a number of topics and resources intended to spotlight the different financial concerns  confronting almost every parent and their family.

Financial woes often contribute to marriage breakdown. Statistics suggest many couples begin family life in debt. Life with children is expensive and debt and managing debt is often an ongoing concern and a cause for conflict. It is unsurprising that in separating, conflict over money is a continuing saga.

Before separation points to consider

Separation with children and two homes triggers for many separated couples a journey  from manageable debt to ever-increasing and often unmanageable day to day debt. Most middle and upper, middle class, intact families spend to the limit of their joint income. Most during their child rearing years were content with savings only in some form of pension and hopefully an increasing asset in their home.

These main assets are often tied up or unavailable for some time during the separating, legal process. Reading and understanding the legal impact on the financial side of separating is important for both parties.

Some articles to consider before and during separation

  1. Top 6 marriage-killing Money Issues (Investopedia)
  2. 5 Ways Your Partner Can Ruin Your Credit (Forbes)
  3. Getting divorced? Five steps to get your finances back on track. (Globe and Mail)
  4. What financial experts wish you knew about divorce (Globe and Mail)

Late in life separations

Late in life separations are more common today. A well-planned for retirement can be turned upside down when one or both parties choose to end the marriage. Often children are no longer at home; but may or may not be launched into work life. Adult children may turn for financial support at a time when parents feel guilty about their late in life separation.

Many 50+ age separating parents still have children in expensive post-secondary education and graduate programs. In the middle of a previously, certain trajectory of financial support an unexpected wrench is thrown into the mix. For many couples the assets are again a pension plan and home equity. The home based equity has often been eroded by borrowing from the asset to pay off borrowing in the intact family.

In many cases only one parent has a full pension plan and the equity in the home may vary widely. Many parents find their long-term financial plans must begin anew. Separations rarely time the market or housing at peak valuation. Women, depending on their circumstances, may find themselves with fewer resources; more specifically some may need to acquire the skill set to manage their own financial affairs. In addition one of the partners may enter a separation unaware of their financial position.

Resources on later in life separations

  1. Rising ‘grey divorce’ rates create financial havoc for seniors. (Globe and Mail)
  2. What to do when a midlife divorce derails retirement planning (Globe and Mail)
  3. From down payments to tuition, later-in-life divorces affecting plans to support adult children (Globe and Mail)
  4. I’ve seen people cleaned out: Divorce later in life (Financial Post)
  5. A divorce behind him and no company pension (National Post)
  6. Downsized: How a late-career job loss can derail retirement plans (Globe and Mail)

The Legal Section provides supportive materials on legal obligations re: child support, spousal support, extraordinary expenses, equalization, etc. The following resources are offered as common issues/questions that may be relevant in many separations at some time. If you can anticipate these ‘common’ happenings then you may be able to work through them in a non-destructive way.

Please do your own research.

Many Family Law lawyers provide a one off-one hour session  to answer/clarify questions that you may have for a fee – without being their client. Cost likely $400-500. They are not acting as your lawyer at this time.

The advice may provide clarity on the type of legal approach you wish to employ.

General separation and finance articles

There is an unending list of financial topics related to family breakdown. Many are specifically laid out in law re: financial responsibilities to children on a day-to-day basis through child support tables and extraordinary expenses. In addition, the law sets out the division of assets, settlement of debts and equalization. For many these require goodwill if the parents are going to navigate years of co-parenting.

Articles are from government and newspaper websites. They may be dated and/or no longer available, but the topics remain relevant in most cases and allows you to do your own searches. They may help you determine the need for employing a lawyer or other support services.

WARNING: The issues raised in the above articles often come from unusual situations specifically and impact the general population of separating families. Arriving at fair settlements should be your goal and not protracted legal settlements.

Final Thoughts

 Economic survivability may be initially manageable but cannot survive the challenge/test of a job loss or unexpected health crisis.

Budgeting for many two income couples has sometimes become a lost skill. It needs to be found-asap. Readings and tips may be found throughout the Resource Hub to help find low cost activities, etc.

  • Many couples need to separate/remove their names from accounts and credit cards ASAP.
  • Wills need to be updated, including possibly, the wills of grandparents!

Money is a not so funny issue once a separation occurs. It can be a source of bitterness that impacts parenting relationships and used by one parent with the children in the blame game.

An Open Letter to Separating Parents re: Child Parenting Arrangements

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

In our You’re Still Dad support group parents often spoke about the issue re: joint custody vs. sole custody. Our experience after almost twenty years working with newly separating parents suggests that the risk to the non-sole custody parent’s relationship with their child is significantly endangered in a sole custody arrangement.

Occasionally sole custody may be the ‘inevitable’ outcome given certain parenting histories; but it should be the exception whenever possible.

There are approaches known as parallel parenting that provide protection for either parent from possible high conflict. These plans attempt to identify parenting situations (hopefully) that could lead to conflict.  (See Resources on Parallel Parenting)

Preventive measures may be necessary until the parents find a calmer place.  In the recommended resource for before and during separation, there is a document detailing situations that may need a focused remedy.

Separated parents often look back after a few years separated and realize that they were driven by anger and revenge, based on their own vulnerability.

Advocates for sole custody desire a parenting plan agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and thus each parent would be held accountable for what they signed i.e. the parenting plan. The parents will not argue because decision-making is in one parent’s hands. A parallel parenting agreement can be similar, except for the decision-making protocol.

The above sounds fine in theory; however, the reality on the ground is often vastly different.

On sole custody

Our experience with sole custody suggests that the parent with sole custody believe that they are the parent in control given their power to make parenting decisions for all matters not set out in the parenting plan. The sole custody parent may find certain parenting obligations to be ‘inconvenient ‘and often desire more flexibility as life transitions in many ways e.g. a new partner.

Sole custody is often viewed as a blank check and the other parent may be left facing a decision of returning to court to enforce an agreement from an already weakened parent/child relationship.

While it is often the father and the father-child relationship that is endangered, it is the core position of the our work that the mother’s relationship is also at risk over time, as noted from a reading of two attached case resources. It is also a core contention that parents want the best for their children over the long term and are more than capable of loving their child more than they are angry with their former, intimate partner.

Joint/Shared custody provides a backstop to erratic, punitive behavior. It makes it more difficult for a parent to break the parenting plan terms with near impunity. Shared custody arrangements that are agreed to set a foundation willingly/voluntarily for the long-term parenting relationship.

 A recommended document, Child Custody, Access, and Parental Responsibility (Executive Summary) summarizes the research on the joint custody vs. sole custody debate and positive outcomes vs. negative outcomes for families.

The author, Edward Kruk U. of B.C. has been an effective advocate for joint custody based on the findings of research that he provides. At the core, his interpretation of the research matches up with any parent’s common sense; namely, that the positive involvement, support and love of each parent and extended family offers every child the best opportunity to navigate life’s challenges following a family breakdown.

The following is a blend of Dr. Kruk’s research compilation, Alberta’s Parenting After Separation and the decade of work by Kids n Dad Shared Support. It is offered as support for separating parents who want the best outcomes for their children.

Highlights

  1. Currently, advocates often frame parenting after a separation as a conflict over mother’s rights vs. father’s rights and the core support for each side are feminists and father’s groups. The rhetoric is often harsh and self-serving and leads us down a path nowhere near meeting the needs of their child (ren). Equally disturbing, this approach can lead professionals working with families down a path about choosing one parent over the other parent.

This is a choice that was never considered when just days before separating the parents were cooperating, parenting partners and each child had two loving parents in their life. The week or even the day before deciding to separate each parent likely had no problem with leaving the child (ren) in the care of the child’s other parent.

  • ‘Research is clear that children fare best in their post separation life when they maintain meaningful, routine parental relationships with both of their parents beyond the constraints of a “visiting” or  “access” relationship…’

The research also finds that such relationships a) protect children from negative parental conflict; b) provide stable financial support;

  • What is shared or joint custody parenting time?

The mere fact that this is a question under debate seems somewhat bizarre. After all the children are the parents’ children, not the Court’s property to pontificate over. The state should have some influence on ensuring the parents take their responsibility in a serious way and understand the implications for their children. The child’s view of the world should be understood and considered. Understanding the child’s concerns/wishes provide a basis for the parents’ decision-making.

The above is stated within the framework that is advocated by others including Dr. Kruk. His research endorses a legal shared responsibility presumption of at least 40% time with each parent. This would only be rebuttable/altered in the case of proven child abuse or domestic violence. Child Abuse and domestic violence would be considered separately.

 It is important to note that 40-45% of first-time abuse occurs after a separation in families with no previous history of such abuse. This suggests that the current path for separating fails separating families. Intimate partner abuse and child abuse in the post –separated family is committed at similar rates by both parents.

               ‘Recent research finds that inter-parental conflict decreases within shared parenting.’

                Each parent has a stake in modelling civilized, cooperative relationship with the other parent.

               The 40% parenting time presumption is a set as a minimum parenting time for each parent.

  • How do children do in joint custody arrangements?” …children in joint custody arrangements fare significantly better on all adjustment measures than children who live in sole custody arrangements.” (Bauserman 2002) Study after study supports this finding and research informs us that a missing or minimal fathering role leads to significantly worse adjustment measures for children from separated families.

N.B. These are findings from research done from substantial populations. There are many children from separated, sole parent families that do journey through childhood/adolescence successfully.

Inter-parental cooperation increases over time in shared parenting arrangements! In our work with over 600 clients the ‘great fear’ is the loss of their involvement as a parent with their child. Every parent, moms, and dads have this same fear. For dads it is often more real, more in their face all the time. If the separated parents manage to navigate their way through the anger and risks that often follow, they often settle into a more comfortable relationship.

The ‘great fear’ is reduced and the partner that we did not trust earlier can be trusted now. Why? Because they want the best for their child. Your parenting goals are now in sync.

The 40% parenting presumption offers parental respect for the other parent and their importance and their extended family’ importance in the child’s live.

 Consider for a moment what message the current process delivers to one parent. Their struggle is to get one more overnight, one more long weekend, a birthday with their child on their actual birthday, a sense that they matter as a respected parent, etc.;

  • Changing workplace participation has resulted in shared parenting roles in the intact family. Most separated parents believe in a form of ‘joint custody’. This demonstrates a general recognition that the parents need each other to effectively parent their children to meet the responsibilities of career and parenthood.

There is unfortunately a caveat to the ‘joint custody’ application to parenting plans. The current reality in Canada is that contested cases predominantly end with a form of sole custody. In addition, ‘joint custody’ on the ground reality is that one parent, usually the mother, often end with that parent becoming a de factor sole custody overtime.

Any combination of factors may contribute to this outcome, but at its core is the fact that the parent with the dominant parenting time  feels entitled to exercise more control and the ‘other parent with less time (3-4 overnights in a 14 day cycle) feels less connected and less important in their child’s life. The ‘other’ parent must often work extremely hard to meet their parenting role as their life moves on to a new family (blended family) or what we call a complicated family. For the ‘other’ parent’ and their child ‘fitting’ into the minority access parent’s home is complex and difficult.

Joint custody as practiced in Canada disappointingly often becomes another form of sole custody over time. The unequal/ reduced parenting time impacts each parent and states to the child and others in the family circle that the ‘other’ parent is somehow lesser and/or at fault for what has happened.  The best option of shared parenting has often been negated with the first stroke of a parenting agreement that sets out a disparity in parenting time.

Therefore, the minimum of 40% parenting time is considered to be the ‘best’ foundation for ensuring two parents and two extended family’s participation in each child’s daily life.

Comments

This web site is designed to promote best practices for separated families by setting out the rights and responsibilities of parents. Our purpose is not to recommend an approach that is likely to fail parents, children and grandchildren.

The presumption of 40% parenting time for each parent with their child and for the child with each parent provides the best framework to achieve effective, shared parenting and meet the needs and desires of most children when their parents have decided to separate.

The parents would negotiate the remaining parenting time based on what makes sense for the changing family. The advantage of the 40% presumption is the ‘trust’ factor that emerges. A parent is more likely to be ‘flexible’ at meeting the child’s and other parent’s ever-changing schedules.

Parenting plans can basically be what the parents decide. Tools in the Resource Hub lay out several considerations. The resources include the research supporting our advocacy for the 40% minimum. Listen to the voices provided by children, parents and grandparents who describe their lifelong loss; their voices capture their gratefulness at their parents’ choice of civility and cooperation.

A dad in describing his journey to a parenting plan that was always less than desired or fair found satisfaction that he and his children had reached a place where they now ‘owned’ their relationship. What he could not understand is why the journey took such a toll to reach that place. Owning the relationship with your children should be a given for each parent and extended family. The role of any support service must be to support families in that doable quest.

An open letter to separated dads

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

“‘I like to see [my son] before the game. It makes me whole. He doesn’t watch the game out there. He watches in the back. For me, I tell him I love him. He tells me good luck. We have a talk. You’ve got a good thing like that going. I give him a kiss. You have that in your life, what have you got to be mad about. You go out and do your job with ease.’ (Kyle Lowry – basketball player, Toronto Sun Dec. 25, 2014

Fathers

Kyle Lowry captures the transformation that becoming a dad brought to his life. It changed and balanced his priorities– it broughttrue meaning to the rest of his life.

Every dad understands his words and relate to the transformation that takes place.

Talking about fathers is a complicated task, for many of us became a dad in many ways and through many diverse relationships. As such, the impact of separating may differ substantially, and the challenges faced to be an effective dad are different.

Our common starting point, however, must be remembered always and the continuation of that father-child relationship is crucial. Our common fear/risk must also be remembered; namely, that a separation from the other parent could lead to losing the relationship with our child.

While what I call the ‘fear’ may find a home in both parents, the on the ground reality for a dad is likely more real and more concerning.

There will be an opportunity to hear the words (voices) of fathers engaged in the everyday struggle to be an effective and loving parent.

Listen to the voices to understand the challenges; listen to be an inspired parent that provides your children with the gifts of character that are the best of you and may become the best in your child; listen to learn the tools necessary to be an effective parent and how you can acquire those needed skills.

Tools for fathering in a single parent household

  • Kids ‘n’ Dad’s approach is that the term single parent is inappropriately employed and may have an unfortunate consequence of becoming a self-fulfilling outcome.
  •  Every intact family creates two single parent homes and how it plays itself out for each family is to be determined. Marginalizing the other parent always works against the best interests of the children.
  • While we strongly endorse the presumption of a minimum of 40% parenting time for each parent, the reality at this point in time is this is not taking place. The imbalance (besides the effects on the child) has significant consequences on fathers in terms of the psychological/emotional impact, financial assets to provide desired opportunities for their child; and a sense of their long-term impact on raising their child.
  • The starting point must be to assess realistically the challenges that you face in your new single, parent household-i.e. the terms/conditions for setting up a home! As an aside, I did a terrible job of building a home for my children in the early weeks, months and even for two+ years. It could have cost me dearly.
  • Many dads, even with a middle-class income, probably are ill-prepared for the financial impact of a separation. Most families with children spend to their limits; any long-term savings coming from an appreciating home and contribution to a defined pension plan. Most families have credit card debt and car loans. I know that you get the picture.
  • Our Resources also aim to provide guidance on the a more cost efficient way to preserve your family assets to build two households.

Navigating the legal system

The legal system is not built around or for the separating dad and ensuring a strong, every day father-child relationship.

  • A working dad with income below $60,000 before taxes is likely to be squeezed and face on-going debt.
  • Do a realistic financial check-up! Assess what you need to build a new household. Make the necessary adjustments to goal setting. Try not to get into financial disputes with your child’s mother. They are likely no longer interested in your woes. They would rather find someone to listen to their woes.
  • Don’t involve the children in your financial disputes. Find alternative activities and opportunities, if necessary. Grandparents may provide opportunities for your children and basics for you. Grandparents can be complicated relationships in a separation.  Check out the Resource Hub Grandparents section for more.
  • This financial warning must be heard and heeded. You must be realistic and in this section there are ways to be an effective parent in cost efficient ways. These are the voices of other dads.
  • Being a dad in an intact home is very different than in a separating family. It is likely that no one was an overseer in the intact home. Your role as a dad had evolved and become a norm in which the parent- child relationship carried on. For most homes there was an agreed to comfort level.
  • Separating changes the agreed to comfort level/norm. Working toward a new normal is what the separating process is all about. Some fathers find their previously accepted parenting style under attack in the separating family.
  • In an earlier section on telling the children about the separation, it was suggested that you need to assess your relationship with each child- strengths, weaknesses, concerns- in order to be an effective dad.
  • Reflect on the months preceding the actual separation and whether the intimate partner separating that began much earlier had consequences on your parenting relationship with each child. That would not be uncommon for a dad.
  • As you work your way through this section make a list of the changes about to occur in your life. What do you need to support you through the next day or week or months to immediately become a supportive parent? Where can I find such support?
  •  Talk to your employer about possible flexibility in work schedule re: meeting children’s schedules, while a more structured plan is put in place. Research suggests that the initial weeks and months are critical for separating fathers and their children.
  • In the old days (me), dads tended to move out of the family home. It is often not thought out and done out of a sense of failure and even caretaking. It is still occurring; but it is not recommended; unless an interim parenting plan is already agreed to by both parents.
  •  Leaving the family home without the children and any firm parenting agreement begins your complicated, new parenting regime. Often our new/temporary place has no room for our children. Grandparents may or may not be an option depending on their age, location and relationship.

My personal experience after close to 25 years of marriage was that I was ill-prepared to live in a single household for the first time in my life. Even when my daughter came to live with me almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home. Everything was second hand i.e. legs falling off furniture, etc. I didn’t want my youngest daughter to stay with me for my place was so inadequate. Take a moment and think about my mistakes (a few listed below).

  1. Self-sacrifice at my personal expense. I thought I deserved to be punished; b) Penalized my youngest daughter and endangered my relationship with her by not doing sleepovers immediately; c) I had not thought out any parenting plan; d) I went into caretaking mode by thinking I could cope with anything. That was not true; e) Fill in any additional observations for me or yourself!

Steps

Rule 1

  • Find yourself a suitable place to be a continuing parent from the very beginning! This is a must. Think through your options. Talk to the children about the choices or proudly show them your new place and their bedroom, etc.
  • Don’t leave the intact home without a recognized parenting plan and a suitable place to go!

Rule 2

  • The suggestions in Rule 1 are intended to reduce the unpredictability, when one becomes a separated dad. Work through the additional parenting disruptions that must be covered off from day one. Your mindset must change!

 The reality is that unpredictability is likely going to be your constant companion for every personal relationship.

  • Consider that parenting routines may be gone immediately. Attending dance classes, hockey or ringette three days after separating is a formidable challenge. Seeing your children go off with the other parent is an emotional challenge.
  • Informing parents, best friends, colleagues and bosses of your separation and new address, contact number may feel intrusive and may result in self-doubt or feelings of anger or betrayal, if their response fails to meet your expectation.

Rule 3

  • Fathers may reflect on their role in the separating family. As stated earlier, in every family the parents have found their own way of shared parenting. Any number of factors including work, ages and needs of children have been a determining factor.
  • The role of being a dad is more essential and difficult in the separating and changed family!
  • Your role as dad was not challenged in the intact family. Your effectiveness maybe, but not who you are to the children! Your effectiveness may now be challenged and your love for the children may not be enough to sustain the relationship that your children and you need.
  • The default position is not a viable option. An intact home where the mother dominated decision-making and everything children is not a positive option going forward. It may have the consequence of children without their father in their life in a meaningful way.
  • If you were the kind of father that accepted taking your cues from the mother in the intact home, you have a lot of parenting preparation work to do. You may also face verbal or even legal assaults that you were not the primary parent; thus, you should now be even less of a parent.
  •  What was a more than acceptable role in the intact family is now working against you.

“Divorce calls for a total redefinition of who you are as a father and challenges you to come up with a plan for how to maintain or surpass the relationship that you have with your children during the marriage.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)

Rule 4

‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’ (Dr. Benjamin Spock)

  • Sound advice for both parents is perhaps more important for separating fathers. Normal conflict in an intact family can become escalated conflict in a separated family. The bad old ways that parents dealt with conflict over the years are no longer acceptable.
  • For a separating dad, some of these ways may be abusive or just as important considered abusive. Effective co-parenting does not thrive in an abusive relationship. The fault does not really matter; the consequences do.
  • Building more effective ways to talk to each other on parenting issues is a key tool. In our parenting section, there are some rules re: behavior necessary for effective co-parenting. In addition, there are several resources on co-parenting.
  • Effective co-parenting requires compromise. Fathers, who had lost their voice in the intact family on parenting concerns, may find that their voice is an unwanted intrusion to the mother. This can lead to more open conflict, reduced cooperation or simply fleeing day to day parenting. In all instances the children lose and as such the parents lose if their goal is to love their children more than they are angry with the other parent.
  • Courses and counselling programs are available for parents who find themselves repeatedly at odds.

Rule 5

  • Effective parenting following a separation is a moving target. Every relationship with your child is subject to the different stages of each child. Some we are prepared for, others may present unique challenges.
  • Many parents separate with children of toddler age or younger. A father from these families faced in years past a judicial approach that refused overnight stays for children before the age of four. While this has changed somewhat, it may be a factor found in assessments for the Courts. You also cannot legislate against judicial bias or a mother’s determination that she is the primary care parent.
  • As a separated father, you must prepare to be an effective parent and fill in any gaps in your parenting comfort level, especially, with younger children.
  • Every parent has gaps in their parenting resume. Own it and then do something about making it your strength!
  • Many dads express the importance of their daughters in their lives. They feel very close and protective. Research (often outdated or biased) in this area would suggest that fathers are less effective and needed as their daughters’ transition through the tween, adolescence and young adult stages of development. There is a moving away from healthy closeness. If this is followed then the father-daughter relationship is at risk during a critical moment in their daughter’s life.
  • A dad is more than capable of understanding and learning to become comfortable with their daughter’s transition into womanhood. If your daughter is uncomfortable with certain conversations, then supporting her to have her own family doctor, female school counsellor, etc.
  • My oldest daughter lived with me for the first years of my separation (age 16-18). I messed up on occasion, but she knew that I would always be there for her. That helped us build a relationship for a lifetime, through whatever.

Rule 6

‘Fathers that have their own special needs face obstacles to parenting their children. It is as if the community has decided that they are incapable of loving their children or of being loved by their children.’ – Barry Lillie Kids ‘n’ Dad

  • Many dads who deal with mental health issues, disabilities and extreme poverty are often left out of the parenting loop. In an intact family, a parent’s illness would be an opportunity for caring and understanding for a child.
  • Parenting would not be considered impossible because a parent doesn’t have the resources to have an appropriate residence.
  • Most shelters for men/fathers are unsuitable for children. Protective shelters for kids and dad are virtually non-existent and receive virtually zero funding. Consider the messages delivered to children about their dad through the way our community supports a separated dad, especially one who has pre-existing health issues.
  • There is a wonderful film based on a true story called the Pursuit of Happyness. The father takes his child to a House of Friendship men’s shelter.

Rule 7

For all of the above rules, there is no certainty that the outcomes are going to be what you want for your children in their journey from childhood to adulthood. Of course, they are uncertain in an intact family, but a separated parent may feel more responsibility for less than ideal outcomes.

  • So hanging in is Rule 7. I made enough parenting mistakes to fill this web site. I often think it was just by chance that I have the relationship that I have with my children and grandchildren. I know that I could have lost that relationship with each child along the way. There was such a defining crisis. I always thought- hang in. Be ‘relentless’ in a patient way.
  • I apologize for the hanging in counselling. But when you receive advice or feel the need to flee consider a time-out and the steps necessary for your personal recovery.
  • While many of our resources advocate shared parenting (40% minimum), many clients have built wonderful, enduring relationships with their children with considerably less parenting time. My standard for the minimum parenting time is whether you are confident that you are able to build an enduring relationship that will continue into adulthood. I would not accept any parenting agreement that didn’t provide that opportunity.
  • For some dads, the parenting insult is all consuming. Feeling insulted is understandable; but you cannot allow your sense of injustice to interfere with being an effective parent. The risk is that there are common outcomes for most children of a separation (reread After My Parents Divorced) and eventually teens may make decisions re: their access to you or the other parent. It is too easy to become obsessed with the injustice.
  • Some dads surrender in order to survive. Living without their children and a legal fight without end is unbearable. If you are in this situation, you must get help. Survival is primary, then you build a life from that step. Your children will survive and some part of you is always part of them. I know that adult children are often better equipped to understand what happened to their family based on their own life experiences.
  • You are a role model for your children. They do observe and what they observe can be your gift to them on how to handle adversity and treatment of others.
  • I often say that I would never wish what my family went through to happen to anyone. However, in my calmer moments, I believe that I am a better parent and person for having gone through the chaos. The opening quote from Kyle Lowry makes clear what is important in life.
  • Parenting perfection doesn’t exist in the intact or changed family. Learn to forgive yourself and your child’s other parent. There is a big picture, the long game for separating parents. Try to keep it in mind when facing challenges. Don’t get so thrown off that you run away from parenting opportunities.
  • Don’t disappear or even worse become an in and out parent. It is difficult for even the best of ‘other’ parents to encourage parenting relationships in such circumstances.
  • It is easy to give up too soon. Situational depression is real for dads facing reduced parenting, loss of supports and living outside the family home.
  • Some dads are angry with their children in their teens. They expect more from them when they choose not to follow the access schedule. Teens are different. Read the section on teens and on alienation. Don’t give up on them! Everyone is wounded, even in the friendliest of separations with children. Children did not participate in the decision to separate.

Protecting Your Child as a Non-custodial Dad

Finally, many dads may face a high conflict parenting situation over access and care of the children.

What do you do? Authorities may see safety concerns about the mother’s parenting as a ploy re: trying to win custody of the child. F&CS are however obligated to do an assessment. You need to keep a record of concerns and the steps you have taken. You will likely not become aware of F&CS findings.

 In addition, a report may lead to a backlash by the mother and that could lead to a set of not so happy outcomes: a) interrupted access, initiated by the mother, even against the current parenting plan; b) your child’s being caught in the middle- interview by F&CS and targeted by the mother; c) confrontations on any child exchanges- high risk for abusive confrontations that can change parenting arrangements.

In our work and on a personal journey, assessing your child’s risk in the other home is extremely difficult. You can be found by authorities, such as F&CS or therapists, that you are ‘interrogating’ your child and putting words in their mouths. This is a concern.

My advice is that you must do your own evaluation. Remember that your idea of risk is quite possibly not the view of high risk by F&CS.

 I failed my younger daughter because I was unable to find a way to protect her. I was on the outside and the chaos overwhelmed me. It is my personal shame. In the end, a counsellor for my daughter made a change of residence happen at the age of 17. My daughter was then in her mid-adolescence and the chaos for her diminished.

As important, more calm allowed each parent- child relationship to be renewed in the long-term.

If what you see is high risk, then you must do what I failed to do. Seek the resources to intervene. There are lawyers who specialize in F&CS cases; there are child therapists (do your research), who place the child ahead of gender;

Do it with caution and for the best reason. You will have satisfied the most important quality of being a dad; namely, protecting your child!

 I made a commitment on the day my daughter came to live with me that I would never fail her again. It was the same commitment that I made to her when she was placed in my arms in the birthing room. The same commitment made by every dad who has graced my life.

 I have kept that promise.

“The greatest gift that you can give your child is a sense that you’re a “forever father” who’s deeply committed to parenting.”  – Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

I have yet to meet a father, who with the right support, cannot be an amazing dad…for a lifetime!

Please read over the resources for parents and selected voices of dads and others.

Older Children and a Separation- The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children develop to a certain age i.e. late- adolescence or early 20’s- to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and appear remarkably independent.

 I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that this age group/your child will likely have to accept/endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities and for sure they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction i.e. who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance, here.

A family unit that has always remained intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that these children have known. For some parents at this stage, there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage; it is my time to find happiness’. That is not an unreasonable feeling, but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise, your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Personal Note: my son was 19+ when his mother and I separated. It was ‘assumed’ that he would manage (at least I assumed) the family breakdown. His reality of course was something different. As unhappy intimate partners, we failed to anticipate the impact on our 19 year old son.

A parental split rarely/never go as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition, there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become long-lasting.

 Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited opportunities with your child. Different perspectives of older children can cause serious, long-lasting rifts.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended, negative outcomes are more likely to endure, when older children are no longer under the same roof. There is less together time to repair the damage/to work it through. In addition, each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child.

1. Reaction is very individual.

2. Any # of symptoms.

3. Often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.

4. Often blame one parent. See the other parent as being abandoned.

5. They may also decide to live separate lives.

Make your own list for your children and your common and unique parent-child relationship!

Possible steps

  • An adult explanation.
  • No side taking in conversation with your child.
  • Marriage happened- Shared history.
  • Serious thought given to explanation i.e. honest without defamation.
  • Find ways to manage family events and including extended family/grandparents.
  • Issues: Inheritance, Financial; Children’s education.

Thoughts

  • Flexibility re: schedule with children.  Persistent in making getting together happen. Manage with calm and understanding re: difficulty at making arrangements.
  • Transition to a ‘sort of ‘adult relationship. They are still a ‘child’, but like all growing children, the style of the relationship is changing- even more so in these circumstances.
  • Each child’s reaction is unique to them and often based on their recent past relationship with each parent.
  • Flexibility on finances i.e. child support and other expenses. I say this because at this age the children may set their own schedule, based on their whims and the parent in favour.
    • If you can work out a formula to pay additional costs (if needed) to one parent (if they exist), you can reduce the children’s sense of blaming one parent or the other re: financial shortfall or decisions that affect their lives.
    • Finding a process or the will to implement a fair system can lead to less conflict for future family get togethers.
  • New dating relationships often trigger reactions from a former partner and from children. It adds a permanence- a forever changed piece that the intact family is ending and new relationships are beginning.
    • It may not matter to the ‘non-moving on former partner’ that you did it in a tactful, timely and sensitive way. Their reaction often has negative repercussions on the children and their initial reactions. You can only do your best at managing the situation. Your former partner could do dangerous or manipulative actions and you need to be prepared for that possibility, and take appropriate, protective steps. This can be very dangerous stuff!
  • Often one partner is ready to move on, the other isn’t or changes their mind from being ready. Sometimes in doing so, the moving on parent may feel the wrath of family, friends and children in the timing of dating. Older children can be volatile, and their negative judgment can be devastating to a parent, especially when added to that of other significant persons in your life.
  •  One has to be cautious BUT you are the only one who knows the past history of aloneness from a long-term, empty, intimate relationship. Don’t beat yourself up over the reactions of others. Consider the best, next steps.
  •  Often, they are to carry on and time will simply move every one past the current objections. There is no excuse for dangerous behaviors by the other party. In short, simply be the best parent that you can be in these circumstances!

See recommended resources in adolescence and young adulthood!

Parenting Responsibilities: A Code of Conduct Template

On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

The following is a sample template for a Code of Conduct for use in co-parenting:

The parents agree to the best of their ability to follow the code of conduct set out below in order to ensure that ____________ and   ____________  have the best opportunity to grow into happy, resilient and responsible young adults.

A New Family Bill of Rights (from Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House)

  • Each child has the right to have two homes where she is cherished and given the opportunity to develop normally.
  • Each child has the right to a meaningful, nurturing relationship with each parent.
  • Each parent and child has the right to call themselves a family regardless of how the parent’s time is divided.
  • Each parent has the responsibility and right to contribute to the raising of his or her child.
  • Each child has the right to competent parents and to be free from hearing, observing, or being part of their parents’ arguments or problems with one another.
  • Each parent has the right to his or her own private life and territory and to raise the children without unreasonable interference from the other parent.

What Kids Need To Hear (from Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis)

  • They still have a family.
  • They will have two homes, one with Mom and one with Dad.
  • Both parents will always love them and take care of them.
  • The kids did not cause the divorce. This is an adult problem.
  • They will not be left in the dark about any decision that will affect them.
  • Their feelings will be acknowledged and considered. However, the adults will make the decisions, based on the children’s best interests.
  • They will not be asked to choose one parent over the other, to act as a messenger or as a spy.
  • They will not be treated as another piece of property to be fought for, bargained over, or seized.
  • They will have the financial support of both parents.

Parent 1:                                                                          Parent 2:

.

Resource recap: Alienation readings

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, During Separation

For more on alienation see the Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation.

Please find below just about everything that you never wanted to know, but need to know, about alienation and estrangement. The readings are in different sections, but are obviously intimately connected.

These cases have been the most troubling in my 20+ years working with alienated/estranged parents. The impact is heartbreaking for the parent and grandparents of the impacted child(ren). Many stepfamilies are unable to survive the stress.

It is common (understandable) to become obsessed in this kind of situation and be focused on what is happening and not on how to mitigate the impact through positive steps. Remaining healthy through the chaos of alienation is perhaps the most important survival tool for a parent.

The following are possible resources that may help you under stand what is taking place in your life. Understanding is a first step because friends may simply think it is just you being angry – ‘you have lost it!’ One link below includes a survey to help you determine what you are facing and therefore set out an approach to limit the impact.

External resources and tools

The following tools were created by organizations or professionals that support separated/separating families.

  1. Explaining Alienation (PAS), Estrangement, Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP)
  2. Parental Alienation Syndrome – a questionnaire for self assessment
  3. Hostile Aggressive Parenting – a questionnaire for self assessment
  4. Parental Alienation- Information Page for the Alienated Parent (Gene C. Colman); Mr. Colman is a noted lawyer and advocate/researcher on this topic.
  5. Parental Alienation Cases: Will the courts switch custody? (Gene c. Colman); Look up other research done by Mr. Colman for more on this topic
  6. Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It (J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh – experts in this area).
  7. Parenting After Separation Participant’s Manual – Section C – The Alienated Child Family Law in Alberta
  8. Campaign: Ask DSM to Include Parental Alienation in Upcoming Edition (Fathers and Families)
  9. Parenting Plan for High Conflict Families (Parenting After Separation Alberta). A resource to prevent escalation of conflict.
  10. That toxic tug of war (Globe & Mail, April 24, 2009 by Justice Harvey Brownstone). This Justice speaks out on what he sees in his court and his solution for changing outcomes.
  11. Hague convention (Government of Canada). This is the ‘world court’ that governs international child abduction.
  12. Parental Alienation – Keeping Families Connected; A resource to identify, battle and recover from the devastating effects of PA and PAS.

Case studies

Actual situations that capture the tragic impact of different forms of alienation.

Kids ‘n’ Dad posts on alienation

The following essays submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dads from our clients reflect the many impacts of alienation on all family members.

Readers may also find Barry’s Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent useful as a tool to help reconnect an adult child and parent.

Final comments on alienation

Depression, individual and extended family, is very common for families in high conflict cases. The recommended resources provide an incomplete range of outcomes. Remember the tragic outcomes can often be for a lifetime. Seek out professional support for your family early on (warning signs noted), make sure that the support has a two parent strategy in place and what that looks like.

Families are profoundly harmed in these situations. Don’t get caught up in PAS debate. It is the behaviors that impact children and alienated family members. Review the resources in Section 1 and check off actual observed behaviors. This will help you understand your situation and to identify what next steps need to be taken.

Please look over the entire site for different topics that may help you understand what is taking place. Sometimes we jump too quickly to a PAS diagnosis when some steps by the other parent fall into dull to normal actions by a separating parent trying to put in place two home boundaries e.g. changing the locks on the matrimonial home.

An Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Before Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.

The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.

How alienation happens

It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.

How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.

The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.

 It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.

Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.

In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling.  The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.

Case study: Penny and her parents

Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court.  As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.

The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!

 Comments on the case

The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.

The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.

It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.

The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.

The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.

Note the following about Penny’s case

  • The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
  • The tragic impact on their daughter;
  • The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
  • The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
  • The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
  • Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
  • The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
  • The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
  • Grandparents’ loss over the years.

There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge.  He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.

What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.

In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.

Alienation or estrangement?

How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.

 If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.

The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.

The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.

The legal system and alienation

False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.

 Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).

A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.

The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.

A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.

Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness

Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.

Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.

While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts   for future parenting.

These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.

Domestic Violence, Intimate Partner Abuse/Violence

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Note: This paper was composed years ago to understand the complexity and broad range of issues within this topic. It is a resource list – some may be dated, however most are educational and comprehensive.

Do your own research. Find support services to help in your recovery if a victim or a perpetrator.

There are many difficult issues connected to any discussion of this topic, and it is specifically so in a family setting. Once violence or other forms of abuse become public the intimate relationship is likely to end and the intact family is likely going to come to an abrupt end.

** There are programs available from counselling, the John Howard Society and Family and Children Services to name a few that may calm the family situation.

I am writing this as someone who has two adult daughters and one adult son, and several granddaughters and grandsons. My wish is that they live in an environment free from being victimized by abusive behaviors or from being an individual who commits abusive acts.

In the recommended resources, there are several articles on signs a) of abusive behaviors; b) of being a victim; c) of gender abuse against women and/or men; d) of support services designed to protect victims, etc.

In our work at Kids n Dad Shared Support and through this website our mission is to find approaches that prevent such behaviors and ensures children remain connected to each parent and extended family.

Please read carefully the materials provided below. An intimate relationship breakdown, even in relationships with no history of abusive behavior, can precipitate high risk/volatile situations once the separation is initiated and during the difficult, early weeks and months.

Finding supports for these initial discussions re: separating may be necessary and appropriate for families who have experienced volatility during their relationship. The worst potential outcomes for children, parents and extended families may occur in the way you end the intimate relationship.

Below are resources over a comprehensive range of topics on Domestic Violence. They were done a few years ago but set out potential direction for matching your situation.

What is relationship conflict or abusive behavior?

Below are recommended resources to understand these issues.

Possible Actions/Supports

Everything that you probably didn’t want to know on legal issues and separation

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal

Note on legal pages: The recommended resources, articles, etc. are offered in part to make you aware of the different situations that may be part of your on-going journey. The law does change through legislation and case precedent. Some recent articles talk about different case law and legislation that may be updated again and again. You must do your own update or engage a legal professional or access legal services at the Family Law Information Centre (FLIC) at the Court House. WE ARE NOT LAWYERS!

If it were my choice, the legal profession would be left out of the separating process until the final dotting of the agreement.

Parents would determine the parenting agreement with the support of any professionals required to ensure that each parent and extended family would remain an integral, parenting force in the child’s life.

Until our community adopts a process that is intended to maximize each parent’s role, most parents will require the use of family law lawyers at different junctures to settle disputes.

Unless low conflict approaches are employed from the beginning to arrive at a parenting plan, the separation years may seem to be never-ending.

The Resource Hub is focused throughout on two goals: a) a cooperative, shared parenting plan and b) a fair, equitable division of assets.

Accomplishing the above requires jumping through many hurdles at a time when anger, despair, and depression may be your companion many days. To make it through the shades of darkness requires a minimum, working knowledge of family law and the legal process.

Every section of the Resource Hub is designed to provide basic education on the different issues that must be resolved to effectively accomplish the goals set out in the Hub.

The separating process begins formally with the decision and an actual step to separate by one or both parties. Usually, there is an agreed to date of separation. This date may have significance in the division of assets and credit card debt, etc. You are now getting in to the nitty, gritty of detaching from the other parent.

Some former partners remain in the family home for economic/parenting reasons. However, the agreed to date of separation applies. Be aware that it could be challenged, if the parties engage in on-going intimate relations and /or cohabit in a way that creates some doubt over reconciliation.

Preparation before separating

Often, one or both parents/intimate partners have done homework on the separating process. In other words, one party gave the decision some thought, consulted a lawyer or discussed it with friends, who had personal experience.

 In cases of abusive behaviors within the relationship, many women specifically have reached out to professional support, who often recommend a series of pre-steps prior to leaving the family home, often without a conversation with their intimate partner.

This kind of situation is less likely able to avoid the use of the legal system.

If possible (in most cases this is likely), the difficult conversations need to be held prior to separating. It is possible that one or both intimate partners may need  support resources to set out the steps to a) actually initiate the separation in a ‘non-destructive’ manner; b) plan a family conversation to tell the children in a no-fault conversation (see section on Telling the children).

In the section on Domestic Violence, there are comments on the recommended steps found in many advice assessments to mothers. It is our position that there are better ways to ensure safety and create a calmer, separating environment.

The above steps are actually exceedingly difficult emotionally, and incredibly complex. At the very beginning, the Resource Hub is attempting to provide a GPS system to navigate unknown paths to a future that has two home parenting schedules.

If it is done thoughtfully and adheres to your parenting goals for your children and yourselves, you are off to a start to be proud of, even at a time, when the sense of failure may be overwhelming.

An informal parenting plan (initialed, if possible) can continue for some time, while everyone finds their equilibrium.

The focus must be on making the new routines manageable for shared parenting in the early days, weeks even months.

Sooner or later

The time does/will come, when one or both parents decide that the next step to a formal, parenting plan and financial division of assets makes sense. HOW THIS IS DONE IS OF CRITICAL IMPORTANCE!

Going from interim to permanent may make ‘sense’ to one party, but a giant leap for the other party. It sends a clear signal to everyone, who may have held hopes for a different outcome (other spouse, children and extended family or friends).

Now is the time HOPEFULLY for a conversation about how to accomplish the next step of a permanent, separation agreement. If the interim agreement has generally worked re: parenting, the pathway is clear with a few adjustments. In the resources, there are model, parenting plans.

Information and experts cited in the Resource Hub recommend that parents research the different, low conflict legal options; a) mediation and mediators; b) collaborative law and collaborative law lawyers; c) explore family lawyers with a reputation for an informal (collaborative-lite) approach; self-representation. (see resources for these options)

Seek out recommendations and do interviews together re: some possible candidates. A warning: once one party has formally engaged a lawyer in the traditional sense, it is likely that this is the direction going forward. As such, the approach on how to settle needs to be on the table before or ASAP following the formal separating.

Sometimes the next step is initiated because of a new relationship and one party desires to hasten or slow down the moving on. Whatever the trigger, one needs to recognize that the status quo of an interim agreement often has a limited shelf life.

 Conversations need to be held regularly re: where each person is on the choices/options to avoid a costly approach.

You are served

You can be served anytime, but it is almost always a shock even when you have been warned that it is coming.

The initial legal document often triggers resentment from the receiving party and often sounds as if it had been written by an angry, aggressive, former intimate partner. But broken down, it has generally just two goals: a) a parenting plan; b) division and equalization of assets.

The legal language and the argument/justification for the parenting and equalization often pushes the outer limit and sometimes well beyond that limit. There is often accusatory language -accurate or not or incomplete or simply false.

Read/reread all documents carefully for what they request! The language can often lead you to take your eye off the ball. You are human after all.

The financial demands may be outrageous or seem so; but remember financials are often governed by rules set out by Family Law.

THERE IS ALMOST ALWAYS A REQUIREMENT TO RESPOND BY A TIMELY DATE. DON’T MISS THE DATE AND THIS MAY REQUIRE A TRUE PLAN OF ACTION!

 Depression that leads to a failure to respond is potentially costly

As an example of being thrown off by such a document, I am reminded that I received an initial court document that stated that my children ‘feared’ me. This was a new, untrue accusation.

It knocked the heck out of me. Such statements, for most intimate partners, triggers a sense of betrayal and confirms the no going back. However, it is important that it doesn’t lead to erratic action through angry communication, public confrontations and interrogating the children.

YOUR NEXT DECISION IS NOW HERE! a) Find a lawyer to be your voice; or b) start learning everything legal in order to self- represent in writing your response; or c) prepare for a case conference.

There is a debate in some circles re: Is it an advantage to be the applicant or respondent? In theory probably no but …? The applicant sets the tone of the debate initially. The respondent must file a reply and may find it difficult to not only respond to the claims set out, but also to the ‘tone’ that attempts to support the claims.

There is some debate as to whether a respondent should refute directly and/or make counterclaims; or simply reply with a simple rejection i.e.” untrue”.

The tone within the document often provides insight into the reasonableness of the other parent and their lawyer.

Discipline, education, organization and taking care of self

Overload is often a major problem for a separating parent at this juncture.

 Consider the different life changing forces in your life:

  • being a parent, negotiating with your children’s other parent…constantly (nothing is normal);
  • convinced that you are failing your children;
  • performance at work;
  • shortage of money;
  • building a mom’s house or a dad’s house;
  • rebuilding your own life; etc. 
  • Oh yes, learning to be a lawyer to save on what you pay, or self-representing;
  •  keeping all the documents straight and on time with different orders.
  •  It goes on and on, with documents that are dissing you and everything good that you believed about your parenting, intimate relationship and family.

The good news is that most of us survive the chaos!

Legal representation

What are the major areas to understand, whether self- representing or with a lawyer? The following is a broad attempt to identify issues faced by separating parents with children. Further research is your responsibility.  A range of websites and resources will be set out.

  1. The Legal process is outlined in a chart in the resource section. The case conference and settlement conference paperwork are prepared by you (if you are self-representing) or your lawyer, working with you. The goal in Ontario and new Federal legislation Bill C-78 is that the parties will arrive at a signed settlement following mediation or the Case Conference or the Settlement Conference. Few cases go to trial, thank goodness. Unfortunately, there is often considerable pain that is expensive in reaching a settlement. The reality is that even today it is a rare case that goes to trial.
  2.  It is also true (to this writer) that fewer trials do not necessarily lead to equitable/fair, co-parenting plans. It can be about exhaustion and financial resources.
  3. Financials: You are encouraged to do your homework on everything financial. These would include maintaining/obtaining past financial records, tax returns, matrimonial home paperwork, defined pension plans valuation, RRSP’s, possible spousal support, child support, other property, possessions, all types of debts, etc.

The more of this prep work that you do on your own the less time (fees) charged by your lawyer.

  • Spousal support is unlike child support. Child support has binding guidelines, that are applied when parenting time for the paying parent is less than 40%. Spousal support has always been uneven or even one might say all over the map.  Spousal support guidelines are now generally applied by a judge, with some discretion, case law and a range of options based on their own judgment.

The duration of spousal support payments is based upon the length of marriage, etc. Many settlements provide a range of payments, often with an uncertain duration for longer term relationships.

 If spousal support is a possibility, each person should read over the guidelines and prepare a case for what is reasonable/fair.

  • Read up on self-representation. Consider whether you fit the suitability/ temperament to do this work. Included are resources and sites for your consideration.
  • If parenting arrangements are a major source of conflict, consider alternative professional resources. They include the OCL (Office of the Children’s Lawyer); private assessors (do your homework on their belief structure); parenting co-ordinators (homework required also); special masters; FRO (Family Responsibility Office).
  • Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a tragic parenting situation faced by too many parents (usually faced by a dad and their child). See the resources for high-conflict-hostile aggressive parenting and PAS.
  • Specialists for children from high conflict family separations are often required. Again, one needs to do your homework on their credentials and their belief structure.
  • Mediator/Arbitration may be required to settle financial disputes.
  • High conflict cases often have a Domestic Violence allegation or child abuse claim. For a dad, this is often a difficult allegation to fully overcome. As such, it must be part of the legal equation in terms of creating a parenting plan. Locally the John Howard Society offers what is called PAR and the Caring Dads’ program, generally for men.

Many fathers are directed to the program by the court, and it may be a quicker route to being reconnected to their children – even if the claims are false. F&CS is almost always involved in such cases, based upon protocol, notification requirements. (see notes on F&CS)

The principal reason for F&CS is to protect children. Therefore, all allegations of any abuse impacting a child requires a safety assessment. Often a lawyer, who specializes in working cases with the F&CS should be hired.

Parallel Parenting Plans are an option in high conflict cases. The recommended resources include such plans.

  1. Abductions. Hague Convention. The possibility of such situations must be considered; especially at a time when diversity in intimate relationships is part of our social landscape. Fathers and mothers often have strong family roots in different countries. (See Resource Hub)

For each of the above situations, recommended resources are included, and they may point you to additional resources that fit your family situation.

Points to consider

Other factors to reduce costs and communicate effectively with your lawyer – a few thoughts:

  1. Read up on the lawyer’s responsibility to client. Read over individuals’ experiences in he resources.
  2. A common complaint: “I can never get a hold of my lawyer. On occasion, his legal secretary returns my call.” Ask about the lawyer’s availability and how the two of you are going to effectively communicate.
  3. How does the lawyer prepare for your Court date? Some lawyers simply meet you at the Court House. How do you provide him/her with your input? What should your expectation be when you go for a hearing?
  4. Is your lawyer competent? Is he good in court? Are you certain of his/her integrity? Are they prepared? Don’t readily accept his fairy tale that you can’t lose. The lawyer is your expert, but they represent you and need to provide you with input, so that you can assess the next legal steps. You ask them the questions about alternatives i.e. the value of a sit down with the other party to resolve certain issues.
  5. Don’t pester your attorney (on the clock) with questions suitable for a counsellor.
  6. KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN FOCUS. In my work with 4 lawyers, not one really talked about the impact on my children. The lawyers were into the’ blood sport-normal adversarial’ process. See resources-essays.
  7. Be honest about situations that show up in court documents. A lawyer can only assess what they know.
  8. Be organized with your information for your lawyer to save time (money) and to ensure he understands the information provided.
  9. Expect professional work and be respectful.
  10. Clarify the lawyer’s charges (retainer) for everything they do for you- down to the phone calls talking to the legal assistant.

Begin to separate your day to day financials IMMEDIATELY upon separating. Remember that separation date!

  1. End joint credit cards, without cutting off key household services. Do it in a timely way.
  2. Start up your own bank account. If possible, remove 50% of any savings. Tell your partner what you have done or are doing.
  3. Protect certain assets from disappearing. Sometimes these assets simply disappear, especially in families that are drowning in debt.
  4. Get all your financial records together. e.g. tax records; mortgages, how the down payment was made; car loans; define pension fund valuations; credit cards at separation date;
  5. Change all relevant passwords, pin numbers, account numbers, etc.
  6. Figure out a financial plan immediately. It may be depressing, but it is necessary. Because some assets are unavailable initially, short term planning may be an absolute necessity.
  7. Grandarents may be an option. Many parents/grandparents do get stuck in the quagmire, so they need to understand the legal status and costs. It can be an added burden to you to have such debts to aging parents.
  8. Many separating families have borrowed money from parents or grandparents for down payments, home renovations, etc. This may have been done on a formal or informal basis. This needs to be part of the equalization process;
  9. Changing/updating your will may be required at some time in the process, including beneficiaries. This would also be a time for parents to review their wills,

Further Comments

Our legal comments are based on the experiences of hundreds of clients navigating the separating process. They are offered to make you aware of the legal issues that are a continuing part of the separating process.

 It is important to do your own homework on the relevant issues that are never-ending, when you have children who have yet to complete post-secondary education (a degree or diploma).

Summary of the Kids ‘n’ Dad Approach:

  • Try to make choices that are intended to be positive for your changed family.
  •  Do not be frustrated by the different parenting and financial conflicts. Forgive yourself for any flaws in your decision-making.
  • Remember the different resources – human or internet- to educate yourself.
  • The problem-solving model employed by the parents I.e. a peaceful and respectful approach to each other acts as a model to your children and a way forward over the long-term.
  • Do not sign anything legal that leaves vagueness and an opening for legal mischief.
  • Verbal agreements are not binding. Weigh the pros and cons on these kinds of agreement.
  • Leaving the matrimonial home as a way of taking care of the children in the short term may be damaging to the children. There are choices such as sharing/splitting the matrimonial home time with the children. The one risk is whether this presents the risk of a confrontation.
  • If some action feels risky- it probably is!
  • Do not buy into your lawyer’s argument that you have a winning position-clear cut. The truth is that he/she could represent the other spouse with probably the same words being employed.
  • Use our resources and others to determine the +’s and – ‘s of self-representation.
  • Each parent needs to start building a home for their children during their parenting time.  A common error is to leave the children in the matrimonial home-absent on parent- for some time. They need EACH parent in their daily life.
  • The initial weeks and months of the separation for many families is often a time that runs up debts, on top of previous debts. Two homes are more expensive than one home. Depression is common and thus job loss, absenteeism, sprees for the children to ‘buy’ happiness or affection are common concerns.

Be sure to look at the different sections that are connected to the legal journey.

Common misunderstandings that can frustrate separating parents

  1. The perception that child support is going to simply enhance your former partner’s lifestyle, not the children. Child support is a court order and is for the other partner to use as they deem proper.
  2. You cannot change a Court order unilaterally because you have unusual debts in a month. On occasion, a former partner may (if payments made directly to them) voluntarily consent to a change.
  3. Child Support is not tax deductible.
  4. Child support does not end automatically at the end of secondary school. Steps must be taken.
  5. Persistent arrears can lead to loss of license and even being jailed. Visit the Attorney-General’s Web Site re: Good Parents Pay.
  6. Some paying parents threaten to quit their job or reduce hours. This is a dangerous strategy.
  7. A new family with children does not reduce the obligation to your children from a previous marriage.
  8. Consumer proposals do not free/reduce child support, arrears or obligations. Occasionally arrears may be made more manageable through a repayment plan negotiated with FRO often in a Court setting.
  9. Arriving at a settlement for arrears or other matters is expensive, even in situations such as the end of a child’s schooling. You may need a lawyer, who specializes in FRO matters.

In the resources are Family Law articles. They cover some nuanced cases, that are on issues mentioned in this section. Unfortunately, Family Law is often made/created from unusual cases, that have extraordinarily, little relevance or reality to families at the lower end of the financial setting

For more voices on the impact of the legal system in separation, see Our Kids Matter and My New Family Matters…Too!

From Day Care to JK to Secondary School Graduation to Victory Lap to Post Secondary Programs

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Parents

“The school years for children and their separated parents are often a reflection of the manner in which the parents invite or disinvite the other parent to be a parenting partner in the children’s lives.”

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

I recollect receiving a call from a support group father that his JK daughter was about to participate in her first Christmas school concert-renditions of Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman were to be the evening fare. He asked if he should go. He worried that everyone in their small community would know that he and the mother were now separated, for they would be visibly sitting apart.

I, not so politely, told him to get his ‘derriere’ to his child’s concert. The day after the concert he called with joy in his heart. It was as If, at least for the moment, he became a parent reborn.

I often remind parents in our annual Christmas newsletter (example in resources) that they should not forfeit the joy of being with their child and all the other parents and grandparents in this school gathering. It can be sometimes difficult and even painful. Parents facing a form of estrangement may find it too overwhelming; but forfeiting your role as a parent in the school setting sends an early, wrong message to your child and the other parent.

Professionals suggest that many fathers surrender too easily when faced with the indignity of being on the outside of these common school events.

For the dad in the above situation, with a child at the beginning of their school life, it was vital that he begins the journey in step with his child.

Why the school is a significant other in your parenting life?

  • Teachers are sources of insight re: you child at every age.
  • Teachers spend more time with your child than many parents do, even in an intact family for some age groups.
  • For separating families, behavioral issues may be spotted by the schoolteacher and coaches. In secondary school, issues such as truancy, lates, etc. may suddenly appear on a report card. Often a parent with less parenting time may not see the report card to become aware of these concerns.
  • Secondary schools are not always the best at ensuring that both parents see their child’s report card- even the majority parenting time parent may not receive the final report card.
  • As a former secondary teacher, I am somewhat ashamed at my/our indifference to do an effective job in supporting children and both separated parents in their difficult journey.
  • In the resources, there are some suggestions re: father involvement and better outcomes for children. In most separated families, fathers have reduced parenting time and less opportunity to influence outcomes.
  •  The school staff is even more important as a source of insight for a parent with less parenting time.
  • Schools, in general, have no policy or programs to include fathers in their students’ lives. Schools get used to mothers, often as the voice for the child, through their regular participation within the intact family. Mothers may be reluctant to communicate ‘problems’ to the other parent in fear of it reflecting back on them or a fear of causing a parenting conflict.
  • School trip supervision provide an opportunity for the ‘other’ reduced time parent to be a full participant in their child’s school day. This will allow them to 1) build a relationship with the teacher(s) in their child’s school life; b) to meet their child’s school friends; c) to be proudly displayed by their child, and for the child to see their parent in a different setting; d) etc. It is a significant parenting opportunity.
  • These opportunities should be shared by joint and shared care parents. Even in ‘sole’ custody arrangements, this should be included in the parenting agreement.
  • Updates on activities, notices and class work, where possible, should be provided to both parents. This may require what I call ‘polite relentlessness’. Teachers are busy and this adds another small step to their life. It also means that you think it is important. It is too easy to let it slide and could result in loss of parenting credibility.
  • In the intact family, you often shared school responsibilities together. You worked as a team. Now you are no longer the same team and the other parent, at best, doesn’t necessarily see it as there parenting role to keep you on top of everything school.
  • The bottom line is that even 50% parenting time (shared) requires a commitment to certain school activities as if you are a single-family parent.
  • By the way that is the mentality that you need. Leaving it to the other parent doesn’t cut it.

Other School Issues

  1. Decision-making re: school. There are decisions required over a range of different topics, concerns. They vary depending on the age of the child; e.g. program selection i.e. French immersion, school activities, counselling needs, etc. Separated parents with joint custody parenting agreements need an agreed to process for working these issues out together. They should be set out in the separation agreement/parenting plan.
  2. Parenting plans should have an annual review in August or earlier to look at the upcoming school year. Try to anticipate extraordinary expenses and consider any changes to the parenting plan that allow it to work better for everyone e.g. changes in work schedule, before or after school needs, rearranging parenting days, etc.
  3. New complicated (blended) families. The role of the stepparent evolves depending on the relationship with the other family and the stepparent’s relationship with stepchildren. The issues can be about the stepparent picking up the stepchildren at school or attending parents’ night. The comfort level of everyone can be involved in the stepparent’s decision. It can be a decision that causes difficulties for the stepparent. Children can also feel caught in the middle. It is also important that the role of the stepparent as a parent of record for pick up on certain days is known by the school for younger children.
  4. There needs to be clear understanding by the school of the priority for calls re: a child’s illness during the school day.
  5. Extraordinary expenses appear in different sections. Again, the Aug. review is the appropriate place for determining shared expenses, not included in the child support. They are not clear, and the Child Tax Benefit may also be considered depending on the parenting plan. Extraordinary expenses for most families (limited means) are a difficult test for parents. Other factors that impact parenting in the long haul are loss of a job, shutdowns and layoffs. It is important to include in the separation agreement a process that humanly approaches these kinds of common situations.
  6. The end of secondary school has a few more wrinkles for separating parents. Child support ends at the end of secondary school- usually in the child’s 18th year. There are many children who require another year for completion and/or choose to upgrade or part-time school to play a fall or winter sport. The latter is sometimes called a victory lap. It can be a difficult parenting decision, even for intact families i.e. a collective decision by parents and child.
  7. In a separated family, where child support is paid by a parent, there is an added implication of another year of payments to the recipient parent for the child if the above occurs. It may become debateable re: the worthiness of this decision for the child.
  8. A child after the completion of secondary school should be taking care of their own expenses by working if they are not doing a post-secondary educational program. Common-sense needs to be employed; but many children have drifted away from the paying parent and may feel estranged or distant from that parent. Navigating the ‘end of school’ should begin early. Read up on the legal responsibility in more detail, so that you are prepared for this possibility. The separation agreement should anticipate this common situation and put in place a process to resolve differences.

 Drifting in hope that it goes away can be an expensive choice

  • Post-Secondary programs: In general, the parenting responsibility for a paying parent is an obligation to the completion of the first degree or diploma. If the child continues school immediately after secondary school, payments continue. The additional costs each year is a bit messy.
  •  Some justices have employed a 1/3 responsibility for each parent and the child. This is somewhat of a negotiation. In addition, there is considerable financial support in Ontario for students in general and students with less means. Parents should be in contact with the child’s school, preferably two years ahead, to ensure a full understanding of all financial possibilities. Many parents, with limited means, should have their child consider post-secondary schooling within the Region.
  • The conversation needs to be had with the child early on, in order to make them aware of the financial reality. Early on allows for all parties to work toward the needed support for the child.
  • Many separating families have toddler age children. Beginning an RESP should be explored as early as possible. It obviously can be a very difficult time financially; however this may also be at time to include grandparents or other significant supports. RESP’s present a rare opportunity to receive ‘free’ money from the government toward your child’s education.
  • Ending child support is another messy situation. As stated earlier, it can end at 18 upon the child completing secondary school. Some children take a year off and plan to return to school with some savings (?) from a year of work.
  •  In our view, the payer should no longer make payments during this work year. We do not know if the child does return to school until they do. I would suggest that the payer parent set aside some/all of the child support payment previously paid in anticipation that the child does what was intended. This will allow for some financial flexibility.
  • Unfortunately, the possibilities at this age and stage of late adolescence are unlimited. Parents and child would be better off if they agreed to a common approach based on everyone’s financial position. Payments of child support to a parent would be completed. The parents and child work out a plan of support that includes the child’s financial contribution through work or student loans. Bursaries, scholarships and grants would be considered assessing the yearly financial costs. It is our contention that everyone is better off if they are full participants in the discussion and outcome. Each parent has an on-going interest in their child’s success. While this approach may not be in strict adherence of Family law, our collective experience suggests it is a more fruitful approach for most families in the long-term.
  • End of Child Support: If the parents agree to the idea in #9 or #13, then child support should be terminated. If it is done through FRO, the recipient parent provides their consent by signing off with FRO. The parents will implement their new post-secondary plan.
  • The recipient parent should consent to terminate child support payments following the completion of 1st degree or diploma or similar accepted program. Failure to do so is fraudulent behavior.

Comment: There is a place for common-sense in the financials connected to schooling. A good working relationship with the other parent works for the child and parents. There is almost always limited financial means.

 Selfishness rarely works in the long run.

At this stage- the launch into independence-initiates the time for the young, adult child to have a more responsible relationship with each parent.