Category: During Separation

Parenting Plans: An Introduction

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Our position is all about maintaining/rebuilding enduring, integral parenting relationships through the disruption and chaos that often accompanies a family breakdown.

There are many relationships that contribute to a child’s positive development over the years, and into adulthood.

Parenting Plans (PP) may create a pathway that sustains the different relationships over time and build strong bonds that can withstand the stresses and strains that life inevitably throws at every separated family as they transition into two homes.

Our resources support creating parenting arrangements that accomplish the above mission.

Each family has their unique history and as such require their own common and unique pathway to achieving their parenting mission.

Kids ‘n’ Dad’s believes that for every family there is a pathway to creating a parenting plan where each child and each parent can maintain/build  parenting relationships that they own.

Every PP should be created where each parent feels confident in building an enduring, thriving relationship with each child. While they must accept that it will be different in two homes, it can be successful.

No parent should accept a plan that is likely to be in the long-term unsuccessful at what should be every parent’s mission.

A parenting plan provides an opportunity for parents to place their forever love for their child ahead of anger or disappointment at the failure of their intimate relationship.

For parents with the parenting will and commitment, there are NO external forces to prevent their success, provided they keep their eyes on the purpose; namely, integral parenting relationships for each parent-child-extended family.

Templates and Resources

Parenting Plan Options – Broad Choices (two week-14 day cycle)

  1. 50/50 Parenting Time- requires high level of cooperation; flexibility that deals with occasional changes; full-participation by both parents, grandparents and stepparents in everything child. Access/care time may be unique to the parents and works for the child i.e. week on/week off; 2/5 and 5/2 2-week schedule, or your unique schedule.
  2. 40/40 Shared Parenting Presumption: The remaining time is negotiated between the parents;  it is viewed as fully shared parenting, including decision-making re: the children.
  3.  Joint Custody: Usually a 9/5-day parenting schedule or 10/4. Shared holiday schedule; full participation in everything child- more or less. This is less than the many of our resources recommend.
  4. Joint Custody- more bare bones. 10/4 or less.  parenting schedule. Holidays week-ends may not be fully shared.
  5. Sole Custody: Decision-making re: the child rests with one parent on major issues. The parenting access may be similar to #2 or #3. Updates re: major decisions should be written into the agreement re: school, medical, etc.
  6. Parallel Parenting: detailed on virtually every aspect of parenting. This is for high conflict parents but allows for shared or joint access. The parenting rules are set out in detail. Decision-making (issues not thought of) probably requires an accepted process of outside professionals.
  7. Generous access parenting: PP that provides the home, based parent control over defining ‘generous’ (usually a mother). May work forworkaholic parent; allows for flexible work schedule.

       

An open letter to separating parents on your parent-child relationship

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

Every child is unique and so are their needs during a family breakup!

Without getting into the more complex part of your child’s make-up, the obvious factors at the time of separation are the child’s age and gender identity.

Other factors may be of more importance:

  1. The existing relationship each parent has with their child.
  2. The degree of turmoil prior to the parents’ separating and the duration of that turmoil.
  3. The trigger for the separation is often a trigger for a pre-teen or adolescent.
  4. Often one parent in an unhappy marriage has separated themselves from their spouse for some time within the intact marriage. The family has had fewer positive times together.
  5. A parent may have lost track of their child (ren) in the lead up to the separation e.g. not attending extra-curricular or school events.
  6. Non- diagnosed or unattended or misunderstood signs of depression may have isolated one or both parents from the children.

The above factors present a problem for each parent.

 A critical factor is that many mothers may see themselves as the primary parent with the temperament, skills and on the job parenting experience. This is especially true for mothers with young children.

Few fathers take paternity leave to the same extent as mothers. Each family sorts out their parenting role within the intact family. Shared, equal parenting is getting closer for the modern family; but in the world of separation the perception is often found through a mother’s eyes.

A mother has a difficult choice depending on her view of the parenting world for her family. Does she believe that her child’s father is an integral part of their child’s healthy development at every stage of childhood, even in a two home, changed family?

 This question needs to be asked of every mother at the time of separation. It is the question that must be on the table prior to or at the time of separation.

Remember that the research suggests strongly that shared parenting that comes close to a minimum 40% parenting time optimizes best outcomes for a child. It is the pillar that builds strong, cooperation between the parents by maintaining supportive, involved parenting by both parents, within a safe and secure family setting.

Many separating fathers face their own dilemma. Some dads have been involved parents, fully sharing in their parenting role. Other dads, because of the nature of their employment, begin their day early in the morning or complete their work day at unpredictable times. Other fathers simply have taken the lead of their partner (mother) in the parenting role that they played in the intact family.

I believe that the role a dad played prior to the separation has limited relevance to the post-separation role of shared parenting. Unless the father has been an absentee parent or has little interest in being a shared parent, he can acquire the parenting skills to be an effective parent.

There are many parenting programs for fathers and mothers to be effective parents in an intact family or in a two home family.

Separated parents must recognize that everything changes i.e. every parenting relationship and to be honest every significant, family relationship. Your parenting life is incredibly complicated and for many dads, it is often even more complicated. There is often doubt in the social service network in your skill set and/or temperament to be a co- parent to your child.

This is especially a factor if your current parenting role is challenged; or if you are creating a changed parenting role given the changed circumstances.

Children are faced with uncertainty once the separation is confirmed to them. Many parents fail to have this conversation with an agreed to, no-fault explanation. I suggest that you compile an anticipated list of questions. These questions are likely different for each child and for each gender. Remember the children’s questions may seem off the wall, selfish and even judgmental. In doing this exercise and engaging in this necessary conversation with the children, problems can be identified that may change the details of your parenting plan, currently a work in progress.

In our section on telling the children, it is possible that the outcome is silence, tears, reflection, anger, etc. Age and gender may play a role in the child’s reaction or non-reaction. Each parent’s emotional state may also influence the reaction. This can be for a child a very isolating and lonely time. A time of embarrassment and failure.

I remember that my feelings were that I was a failure as an intimate partner, as a father and aa a provider. Many children wonder if their last failure to do what they were told or their teen rebellion were responsible for the family breakup.

Included are supplementary readings on children’s developmental stages, etc., to help understand children’s differing reactions.

Mental Health Concerns for Children

Studies indicate that children from separated families experience mental health issues at approximately 3 times the incidence rate within intact families. It is further evidence that parents must recognize the risk to their children of all ages. Separating/separated families have a greater responsibility to make parenting plans that maintain or restore calm and predictability to their children’s lives within a two- parent framework.

One constant in most children’s lives is the school. It may begin at the toddler stage (daycare) or the formal beginning of school. Teachers in your child’s life have more direct contact + observation time with your child than most parents. They can be a significant other, providing a window into your child’s life; i.e. making/losing friends, changes in behavior; isolating, bully or victim, sadness, etc.

Teachers, coaches and other care providers should be informed of the changes taking place in your home. Set up a regular opportunity for information sharing re: your child and confer with other possible sources of support within the school or community.

Privacy or our own embarrassment may paralyze us from doing what is in the best interests of our child. The truth is that taking the recommended steps is in your best interests as a caring parent.

 A separated parent must work even harder than parents in an intact family. Our time with our child is significantly less for any number of reasons i.e. 40-60% parenting time; work longer out of financial need; travel time with children; rebuilding your own life as an individual; etc.

Children need their parents on their schedule, not ours. In an intact family that need is met by mom or dad. In the separated family the available parent is unlikely to encourage the child to phone the missing parent; nor are they likely to tell that parent later that their child reached out to them.

My Family Matters… Too!

On By BarryIn During Separation, Guest Post, Mothers

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother

I am the silent unseen voice.  I sit quietly in the shadows watching, listening and learning with each unfair decision made in and out of the courtroom.  I have emotional and financial responsibilities placed on me because of those decisions yet I am given no consideration.  No one listens to my concerns and worries.  I am the “new” wife that stands behind my husband who has battled through a court system for 7 years just to have access to and the right to be a father to his daughter.  I have witnessed each unfair decision made against my husband and I play them back in my head like a horror movie.  I look back and wonder how we have made it this far without giving up but no one cares how I feel.  I’m just the “new wife”; I apparently do not matter.   

How wrong they are! I have lived every day, involved in my husband’s 7-year battle to be dad.

We are not rich, we do not live lavishly or spend money frivolously.  It would appear on the outside that we live the “Canadian Dream”.  How mistaken are those ignorant enough to be fooled because we look like an average couple.  Behind closed doors no one sees the tears, frustration and emotional stress that have been placed on my son and us.  No one recognizes that I have had to learn Family Law and teach myself how to navigate through a court system.  No one sees me working until midnight preparing motions and affidavits and making sure that I have all my T’s crossed and I’s dotted.  I have a full time job, I am not a lawyer but I’ve had to learn to be one.

I’ve helped my husband pack up his house when he lost it due to astronomical lawyer’s fees.  I’ve picked my husband up off the floor when he had no will to carry on, reminding him that there is a little girl who is counting on him to pull through. 

No one understands that I’ve had to put my desire to have more children away or that we rent because of the debt owed to lawyers.  No one cares that I am stuck paying the entire household bills because Alex’s paychecks are used solely to pay child support and lawyers.  No one cares that when he is laid off due to the nature (seasonal/recession) of his work, I pay the child support.  Alex and I want to get formally married but we aren’t able to because his ex refuses to sign divorce papers out of spite.  I have actually been written into the final order to mediate or speak with his ex in person or on the phone when they can’t get along to make a decision.

 If I have no involvement then what the hell have I been doing for the past seven years? 

I have a son from a previous marriage.  Alex has known Ben since the age of 3, he’s 10 now.  My ex and my husband get along, they sit and chat, and we welcome Tom (my ex) into our home just as he welcomes us into his.  I am doing what I am supposed to do as a mother to make my son feel at ease with the separation of his parents.  Ben loves his step-dad, they have a bond together much like father and son.

I have yet to hear one judge inquire about Ben’s feelings although he’s talked about often in proceedings. 

Ben has witnessed endless arguments between Alex and me because we just didn’t know what else to do in the aftermath of another day in court that proved to be disheartening.  Ben has missed birthday parties simply because we could not afford the gift.  For the past four years Ben has had to sit in 3hr car rides twice a weekend because it was ordered that we do all the driving when the ‘ex’ decided to move over an hour away.  Ben despises the car rides, but he is too young to remain home alone and I have no choice but to be there for access exchanges to serve as a witness for Alex if his ex initiates arguments.  My son is hurt when Alex’s daughter decides she doesn’t want to come mainly because of her mother’s influence.  He is confused by the situation and feels like maybe she just doesn’t like playing with him.  I try to protect my son from the drama but sometimes it just can’t be avoided.  I sit back and listen to judges and lawyers preach to both Alex and his ex about the “best interests of the child”. 

What about my child? Does he not deserve ‘best interests’ too?

We cannot afford vacations and we currently have no home phone or cable.  It’s very upsetting to hear that the other side is purchasing big screen TVs, new bedroom furniture, re-doing there home and it’s tough for all of us to listen to Alex’s daughter’s recollections of Disney and family vacations.  If I sound jealous I am.  Alex and I work hard to pay for his ex’s vacations yet we get no downtime to recover from the beatings we get from the court system.  We have been forced to sacrifice just to try and make ends meet.  Alex’s daughter is only 10 and we have at least 8 more years of this. Please understand that my words don’t even scratch the surface of our experience. 

Our judicial system assumes that fathers of divorce remain single; that they do not re-marry or have obligations to a new family.  Courts demand divorced fathers to make it there sole purpose in life to meet the monetary expectations set out by judges who do not fully understand or care what the emotional and financial impact of “their court orders”, not only to the father but to the family standing behind that man.

 I have experienced first hand the biased views placed upon my husband because he is a man and the non-caring attitude of judges who do not listen to his legitimate concerns.  I laugh when groups such as Kids n Dads are accused of defending those men who are affected and are said to have a one sided opinion.  I can assure you that these individuals have never set foot in a courtroom to experience the biased attitudes of judges and legal counsel against them. 

I have often wondered about the actual statistics of men labeled as “dead beat fathers” and are these truly non caring individuals or are these men simply giving up because they don’t have the financial means or emotional stability to fight a losing battle?  Then you look at Alex and I who have given all that we have financially, emotionally and more to ensure that his daughter grows up knowing her dad.  We have had to fight for every little success and there aren’t many.

 I often wonder what the suicide rates are for those men who just can’t handle the abuse that is placed upon them because they are a man fighting in a sexist court system with no protection.  Alex and I know of two men who have taken their life because they could not handle the pressures and accusations of being a “divorced father”.  I have done everything humanly possible to prevent Alex from becoming one of these statistics.  These are the stories you don’t hear about.

We are the ones that have fallen through the cracks and there is no real support within the system for us.  Some days we simply agree that this is just how it has to be and other days we have some fight left.  We are being worn down. 

For me, as the woman and “new wife” behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to help fight this battle. I love my husband and Ben loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay, but I’m very tired… almost all the time.

This feature was contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother

                

Mediation: An Introduction

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation

Relationships that do not end peacefully, do not end at all. 

– Merrit Malloy, The Quotable Quote Book

Our work at Kids ‘n’ Dad is about supporting families to navigate through the grief and loss that is part of every family breakdown. There are many possible triggers in the traditional legal journey, that has recently been described by a brave, community lawyer as blood-sport. She is now a strong advocate for Collaborative Family Law.

Since 2008, Kids n Dad Shared Support has advocated for an approach that placed a collaborative approach at the forefront of strategies to arrive at a two parent and two extended families shared, custody settlement for matters pertaining to a family breakup.

There are different forms of mediation, each with different wrinkles in how it is practiced. You need to be thorough in your interview of any practitioners of this form of support. Do your homework.

 There are resources identifying community supports.

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we clearly have a ‘bias/perspective’ in what we advocate as the most desirable set of outcomes. Many mediators or parenting co-ordinators have their own set of bias/perspectives on best outcomes. Again, each parent, together if possible, should seek out human resources that are supportive of their parenting goals.

It is important to do your homework prior to going to mediation in order to be prepared for the emotionally draining task to reach a family centred settlement.

While we at Kids ‘n’ Dad strongly support shared parenting (40/40default minimum), it is possible that this is not going to happen. This does not mean that mediation is a failure. The process of negotiation and seeking fair compromises is worthwhile for parents and children.

We have a caveat to our shared 40/40 parenting. Out of mediation, each parent should have a level of certainty that they have the access time, parenting tools, flexibility and support of the other parent to own (thrive) their relationship with each of their children.

Please review the Resource Hub . Read the other sections to support your efforts to build inclusive family relationships.

Parenting: Holidays, special occasions, etc. and Parenting Plans

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Holidays

Barry’s general reflections on holidays and parenting plans

  • ‘Special days’ are often a source of sorrow, loss and grief for one or both parents, children and extended families following a family separation.
  • Special days make clear that the family is now separated, and things are no longer the same, even in separations that are relatively friendly.
  • These days may be in stark contrast to being family friendly to days that are tense even dreaded.
  • Consider ‘special days’ for parents: birthdays, anniversaries, school graduations, commencements and weddings, religious ceremonies, other life events.
  • Children may live in fear of something or someone triggering an emotional event.
  • Consider all the statutory holidays that are associated with family gatherings and celebrations.
  • Family vacations, Christmas holidays, March break, and summer school holidays for children.
  • The Resource Hub incudes PA days for our children for they often create the opportunity for parenting long weekends.
  • Resource Hub also includes school trips where parents may accompany and supervise their own child and other students.
  • Consider the never-ending opportunity/demand on children now with 2 families and re: new stepparents and families (see blended family section).
  • An effective Parenting Plan (PP) must accommodate all of these ‘happenings’ and dole out fairness and opportunities in an equitable way… or NOT.
  • The NOT outcome often leads to conflict, hurt feeling, anger, sadness and sense of abandonment. Even with an objective fairness standard in place, the above set of emotional outcomes may still occur and to be truthful are likely to occur.
  • Children often feel that their life is meeting the adult requirements of access. Again, read or reread the resource ‘After my parents divorced…,’

Solutions/Ideas or help!

  • Returning to a ‘normal’ family life without constant chaos must be our sooner than later goal. So mixed in with parenting equity, extended family opportunities and children’s needs is the goal of calm over chaos.
  • Any joint PP requires a fair, consistent formula to be included in the eventual PP to settle on-going disputes. Change is inevitable and in a two-family home it almost always has more complications.
  • Separating parents and a support professional can work out a schedule- the schedule can be your family’s version of fairness and what works for you on celebrating a child’s birthday, or a parent’s birthday or a nanna’s birthday or a poppa’s birthday.
  • Schedules can be explicit in order to accommodate almost everything or be simple and just go by the calendar dates and hope that equals fairness… most/some of the time (luck of the draw).
  • Parents often go by even/odd years for varying important holidays such as Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
  • Some families are big on Christmas Eve and less so on Christmas dinner. Birthdays on the actual day may have importance or not be as important.
  • Battling over something that is less important for you is a dangerous strategy. It occurs when one parent feels they are not being met half-way by the other parent. Flexibility and compromise to find win-win outcomes is a better approach. It is not easy, but the more often done the easier it becomes. Remember the move from chaos to calm goal.
  • In all of this it is important that these special occasions are about building inclusive family relationships in a dad’s home and a mom’s home. This is not easy; but these special occasions offer the opportunity for special times provided a child is not caught in a battle between parents and extended families.
  • How this works out- calm or chaos-depends on the commitment of the parents and their belief that their child needs and deserves every opportunity to have a flourishing relationship with all the essential, supportive family relationships?
  • See the Parenting Plans in different sections designed for accomplishing a Mom’s Home and a Dad’s Home.

Blended families

  • Families have traditions, so where possible, one should try to accommodate these family traditions.  
  • Christmas was a tradition in my family life- opening of gifts, grandparents, brother’s family, dinner, type of tree, etc. These were a few ‘demands’ that I made of my new partner on our first family Christmas with my children. It worked out, sort of; but my wife was pressured to accommodate to my previous life traditions i.e. not her traditions.
  • The kind of Xmas tree was very important, I thought. I insisted and my wife reluctantly agreed on my children’s family of origin Xmas tree.
  • When my children had families and their own Christmas tree ‘tradition to begin’- not one of the three chose the so called ‘traditional, family Christmas tree.
  •  I learned over time, that new traditions are more than OK. What seems incredibly important are often not nearly as important in the long run.
  • Blended families at Christmas and birthdays, etc., may suffer from children doing a comparison of gifts. Children from blended families are often in a measuring faze of costs.
  • For blended families, this can be a constant source of conflict in many areas of life.
  •  In blended families, where a step-child is in the home less than other children, their sense of belonging is often affected by their perceived sense of being lesser than; or other children in the home full-time may believe the parents are buying the other child off. To the children it can be viewed as who is loved the most.
  • It is important to find ways to communicate your love and their gift of being with you as a blessing in your life. For all the difficulties that life throws at you and your child, they must know that you value, care and love them… through whatever.
  • There is a wonderful little film called Eighth Grade (2018). It is an understated film about a dad and his about to graduate 8th grade daughter. There is a moving scene near the end of the film that captures the daughter’s perception of her life and how she believes dad feels about her. He then explains to her his realty. It is a magical moment where a parent pushes away life getting in the way and focuses on what really matters.
  •  It is more than worth seeing/ hearing again and again. It was magic to this separated parent.

A separated parent rarely seeing their child or severely interrupted parenting

These situations unfortunately occur too often – especially between a dad and child. We recommend maintaining contact for birthdays and other special occasions. This may require emotional strength, so I understand this may not be possible for everyone. I would include in a card an enquiry about what they are doing and an update on your life. If you feel like you wish to continue to give them a gift I would do so. The tragedy for the child is the damage caused by feeling abandoned. Remember their sense of what resulted in the separateness may not be reality.

You can’t be obsessive, but you can consistently deliver the only message perhaps available- that they are always a part of your thoughts and life.

Recommended readings:

  1. After my parents divorced….  (Globe & Mail) Listen to her voice and what she is describing that took her down the path to this essay. Read the comments by the readers.
  2. How divorced parents can have a happy Thanksgiving (and existence). (Globe & Mail, Oct. 6, 2011)
  3. Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support Christmas Essay: My Complicated Family Turns 20  (Kids n Dad Essay)

High Conflict Divorce: Mediating Parenting Plans

On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

Please note – This article does not refer to women who may be experiencing verbal, sexual or physical abuse by their male partners.

Meeting with couples engaged in high conflict divorces, you are immediately thrust into an eye-for-an-eye battle. Such couples communicate with scripted monologues that presuppose both the opening statements and replies of the other. They each seek to redress the perceived imbalance of past wrongs and with each strike they heap more injustice on each other to add to their mutual discontent. They have secret code words and looks that are incendiary, causing the other to ignite without our perceiving the trigger.

The divorce process to these couples has less to do with negotiating financial and parenting plans and all the more to do with getting even. They each have an imagined value for the pain and suffering experienced in the marriage and look to the divorce to settle the score. They have lost sight of the best interests of the children even while using this catch phrase to couch their positions.

While some couples enter mediation in good faith, many high conflict couples enter mediation simply to avoid the high cost of the contested battle and in other cases to prove the inability of the other to negotiate. Mediation can be just another ploy in the battle to prove who is worse.

Put these couples in the same room for facilitative or communicative style mediation and watch them run roughshod over the mediator, particularly the uninitiated. The immediate response is a series of caucuses as the mediator recognizes their inability to control the individuals in the same room.

But what of the children in high conflict divorce situations whose parents are duking it out over child custody and access issues? The mediator cannot remain neutral with regard to the best interest of the children. High conflict divorce mediation requires the mediator to make clear this position – to inform the parents that they will advocate on behalf of the children such that their needs can best be met. The mediator should be commenting on parental behaviour and it’s impact on the wellbeing of children.

An objective with regard to developing a parenting plan is to inform, if not educate the parents on their destructive behaviour to the social-emotional development of their children while respecting the right for both parents to have meaningful relationships with their children. Their role is not therapeutic per se with regard to the marriage. The mediator cannot hold any rescue fantasies and must fully accept that the marriage is over. The mediator must therefore accept the foibles of the parents and as such only seek to instil compensatory strategies, teaching or structuring ways to mitigate anger and the exchange of parental information when necessary. The process also cannot avoid issues raised by the parties, particularly when issues of drugs, alcohol, abuse or inappropriate discipline or care are disclosed. Rather, the mediator must bring these issues to the foreground to be addressed as part of the plan. While each complains of the parenting of the other, it may be that both should attend selective parenting courses and that this be written into the parenting plan agreement.

Therefore, to stand a chance of a mediated parenting plan, the mediator must: be able to enter a high conflict situation; keep the focus on the children; accept that the parents won’t likely change with regard to each other; provide strategies to keep both parents meaningfully involved with the children; and address harmful issues. It’s a tall order.

The process requires an active and seasoned mediator with knowledge and training on child development and this is definitely not for the faint-of-heart. A defining variable in choosing a mediator is finding one who is able to handle the intensity of high conflict couples and offers a structured approach to the mediation process itself. The actual structure may differ between mediators, but each mediator should none-the-less be able to articulate their process.

The goal? A parenting plan both parents can agree to that meets the children’s needs and maintains relationships.  

Lessons from A Separated Dad’s Journey to Create A Dad’s Home

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following guest post was originated through conversations between Barry and a dad who at time of separation had two young children and shared parenting. The dad established a blended family. Below is a summary of the dad’s thoughts, concerns, and lessons from his journey.

Thoughts on finances, nutrition and health

Finances: consider initial issues – budgeting, paying bills, paying mortgage/rent, child support/spousal support, transportation; financial issues lead to mental health issues and relationship issues;

Try to avoid eviction which could result in interrupted parenting; credit rating issues, visa debts, etc.

Changing residences is common for a dad – difficult to parent in these circumstances; think residence through; what makes sense for you and your children; what can work? You want to establish a ‘stable environment’ if possible.

Can you afford a RESP if you have a young child?

Dietary: cooking skills- balanced meals, making interesting/healthy, school lunches; do your different children have special dietary needs? Part-time access dads too often eat out. You must learn to shop effectively, within a tight budget probably.

Home Health Care: What do you need in your new home with the children for everyday care. Think it through and if necessary, ask friends if this is not an area of strength. What are basic first aid needs for your children? Sore throats; insect bites, pink eye; bad falls; taking the child’s temperature and knowing what is alarming or a dull to normal range- or what steps to take to bring the child’s temperature down- when to go to emergency; etc.

Does your medical cabinet have all the necessary supplies to manage the day-to-day crisis? Are you competent?

Attend medical appointments; communicate info to the mother; make sure she knows that you want reciprocal information flow. Take a first aid course. Introduce yourself to your pharmacist. Read their brochures! Read labels on use of meds – children’s Advil, polysporin, band aids of every size, on and on it goes. Get advice from different sources.

Many separated dads now have infants and toddler age children. Many may have played a full role, others may have a limited role in the intact family based on any number of reasons; you must gain a comfort and competence level for the sake of your child and the parenting challenges you may face, going forward.

Don’t be hesitant to ask for help from any number of people with experience over many parenting years. There may be a fear within you about displaying a lack of knowledge; HOWEVER, you need this to be the long-term parent in your child’s life. Find trusted people in your life; work at filling in gaps in your parenting resume; be proud of yourself.

Early Stages (Hopefully) Mental Health

Do not be afraid to ask a trusted friend for their observations on your behavior. What do they see in you? You want them to be honest; you should not be hostile; process the feedback.

Most of us can handle the days and nights when we have our children. We feel like dad again! Unfortunately, when your parenting goes badly (not perfect as we envisioned), there may be several days each week without the children- the not-so-good experience can linger.

The possibility of an additional problem may depend on how you manage the days without the children. Behaviors can be harmful to you in the short and long run. Today the internet provides alternatives from on-line dating to gaming to…? The only pattern to life is the days with children, and days without the children often outnumber the first option.

Reckless behavior can be costly and lead to unpredictable parenting and a difficult parenting relationship with the mother.

GETTING IT TOGETHER IS A DIFFICULT BUT NECESSARY TASK IN THE EARLY MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS.

Your parenting life is not on pause and recognizing such as early as possible starts you down a path on building positive steps into your life.

  • 0-5: Practical steps: Doctor’s appointments; before school and after school appointments; early   years centres; YMCA; Community centres, play groups -inexpensive programs; parent-child swim; etc.
  • 5-12:
    • Find opportunities to be involved in your child’s extracurricular life through coaching, volunteering, school trips, etc.
    • Attend all teacher open house activities; Report cards and interviews; read daily planners for all the days; access school web site; stay on top of educational issues; be aware of any learning difficulties as your child progresses; find a pattern of fun and skills activities that you and your children will own for a lifetime.
    • Do the best job possible at maintaining or rebuilding a co-operative flow of communication with the child’s mother. There is a lot going on in two households for your children; if you can harmonize certain routines, life can become more predictable for everyone;
    • Each parent is different and may have very different parenting styles. You both likely know those difference from your time together. It is possible to employ that awareness into managing your parenting. e.g. use of video games, appropriate films, etc.
  • 12-18:  THE FUN/INTERESTING (???) TEEN YEARS:
    • The issues change during the pre-teen and adolescence years. Our own teen years sometimes influence how we handle discipline over the common challenges of these years: drugs, tobacco, alcohol, dating, motivation at school.
    • Peer relationships take precedent over family relationships. It is the natural order BUT for a separated dad who may have less parenting time to begin, it can feel like a loss of influence and oversight.
    • Adolescents in a two-home parenting scenario may go back and forth- not on the parenting schedule but on the kids’ schedule. It takes effective coparenting to stay in control of parenting decisions. It takes a different kind of parenting- keeping communication lines open- knowing their friends-recognizing troubles or mental health issues-preparing them for the next stage of post- adolescence life.
    • Remember the teen years in an intact family are also the ‘fun years’; so, don’t blame yourself or the other parent or the separation for every bump in the road.

Just do your best. Do what you need to do to be the parent you desire to be!

See the Resource Hub for more support.

Legal and financial considerations in separation

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal, Parents

Note on legal pages: The recommended resources, articles, etc. are offered in part to make you aware of the different situations that may be part of your on-going journey. The law does change through legislation and case precedent. Some recent articles talk about different case law and legislation that may be updated again and again. You must do your own update or engage a legal professional or access legal services at the Family Law Information Centre (FLIC) at the Court House. WE ARE NOT LAWYERS!

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we limit any specific comments on legal matters. Our legal observations are about the process and our personal experience and those of our clients.

  • We recommend the use of lawyers, where doing so makes sense. Lawyers in the community have helped us understand certain ‘unusual’ issues in law, in order to give direction to our clients.
  • It is important for every client going through the separating process to do their own homework on what makes sense for them and their family. Choices must be made at different junctures that are difficult. Some may work out as hoped, others less so.
  • It is important not to beat yourself up for choices made that go south; but try to learn lessons from those experiences. Do not react with behaviors that only aggravate an already difficult journey.

Remember our rule: Choices made should be intended to bring your family closer together, even if it is in a changed family form.

In the personal essay, Our Kids Matter, I discuss my journey some 25 years ago through the legal jungle that contributed to the premature loss of my children’s grandparents and damage to every important family relationship.

A non-adversarial approach in our view has the best opportunity to set in place a more peaceful process that respects each other as effective, integral parenting partners. You are establishing a problem-solving strategy for the inevitable differences. It will help ensure that your children know that their parents are working together.

If you read Why It Matters, you know that I made any number of critical errors i.e. a) no attempt at alternative, non-adversarial support; b) failing to find appropriate legal support; c) allowing others to take charge of outcomes; d) failed to take charge of my own destiny; e) assumed legal competency or emotional stability in the professionals- even when the signs were available that something was amiss.

Things to do differently

  • Don’t leave the matrimonial home! The caveat to this is that volatility/conflict could lead to police and/or F&CS involvement and alter this good advice. If that is a concern, attempt to sign an interim agreement (signed) re: the parenting care time/involvement for the children prior to either parent leaving. Some parents, in order to be least disruptive to the children, alternate being in the matrimonial home, if they have nearby family or friend to stay with part-time.
  • Don’t sign anything, especially if it seems to leave a legal opening for mischief. In other words don’t assume that goodwill prevails beyond the moment. The line that came back to haunt me- that won’t happen- it almost always did happen, unfortunately.
  • Verbal promises are not binding agreements/commitments. Sometimes. if implemented on an interim basis, they may show intent and buy you a history that may work for you or against you i.e. parenting arrangements in the early post-separation weeks and even months are very important.
  • Take responsibility for the direction of your legal strategy- or even the direction or approach of your negotiations. Know the different resources available to support your family in navigating the way to a parenting agreement and division of assets.

Rule re: your lawyer: Remember, when your lawyer is so empathetic and certain about the strength of your case, if the lawyer had been approached by the ‘other side’ first they would probably have been espousing similar words to their client. It is the nature of the adversarial approach. (See resources)

If it feels risky-it probably is.

Work at understanding the legal process. Many people are now self-representing. In fact, in many jurisdictions the figure ranges from 60-85%. Again, Family Law Information Centres (FLIC) are located in the courthouse to provide free counsel (30 minutes) to help facilitate document preparation or to answer specific questions. There is also some support at hearings through Duty counsel.

Research the drawbacks on self-representation. I admire those who do so; but the legal process can be complicated, and non-professionals don’t normally understand the different legal tools. There is some research that suggest self-representation leads to negative outcomes. The Law Commission is trying to reduce self-representation. Justices are generally less patient with wannabee lawyers, who are less efficient and stumble their way through the process.

You are at the mercy of the judge’s willingness to tolerate your inexperience. 

Common financial areas of conflict between separating/separated parents

Child support is laid out in guidelines and tables. Once a parenting agreement is signed the child support arrangement commences. It would seem to be straight forward…right?

There is rarely enough money to pay for a mom’s house and a dad’s house. Almost all separating partners are ‘funny’ about money.

Where/when does this show up? The initial period of separating is a complicated period re: child support. It is our suggestion that if a parent has the children less than 40% of overnights or there is a significant disparity in income, the parent who is the likely payer should pay the guideline child support prior to an agreement or set the amount in an account for possible future payments. Your ‘good intention’ is of some possible value in countering allegations that you are avoiding supporting your children.

Some payers (usually dads) balk at having wages garnished; however, this is the decision of the recipient. The Family Responsibility Office (FRO) eliminates flexibility, but does reduce potential, monthly conflict.

a) Extraordinary expenses for children e.g. grade 8 end of year school trips; daycare; braces; high level (?) activities; everything else that fall into a grey area- outside (?) of ‘normal’ care expenses. There is often a need to clarify what is an extraordinary expense. It is often a subject of a Court claim. Everything possible should be done to clarify such expenses from normal child support expenses.  I suggest that cooperating parents use common sense to determine the sharing of these expenses, usually done on a proportion to income basis.

b) Layoffs or loss of job has consequences for meeting child support and extraordinary expenses i.e. income may drop to E.I. income. Parenting plans should lay out a process that recognizes change of income in a timely way. The Covid virus created a ‘mess’ because of reduced income, reduced hours or loss of employment by payers.

C) Spousal support is determined through non-binding case law. Again, spousal support often has no apparent end date- to be determined. Very few requirements re: the receiving parent to move into the workplace or to actively (re)train. There are guidelines that are non-binding but are being generally employed by the court.

  • Ending child support for a child, who has graduated from secondary school,  but is unsure about going to post-education. This area is generally a mess, for often the paying parent has a less intimate relationship with the child. The recipient parent has a continuing need and has been used to receiving this payment and wants the payment to continue.
  • Many young graduates (age 17-18) now return for part-time (grow up) semester or two. Even if they don’t, the parent receiving payments has them often underfoot for some time. The receiving parent is balking/reluctant at voluntarily acknowledging the child’s completion of school and transition to independent living and responsibility for their own expenses. Cutting off payments immediately may have negative outcomes in your relationship with your child.
  • Remember that the definition of post-secondary education is very expansive and for many children flows straight out of secondary school graduation.
  • The paying parent and the recipient parent need to communicate early on a plan dealing with post-secondary education. This should be set out in the original separation agreement, if possible; but for certain, requires a conversation and resolution as the child enters their final year of high school.
  • The reality is that separated parents have more obligations than intact family parents to decide the level of support. In addition, the issue of continuing child support for a child away from their primary home is often a conflict i.e. 8 months at school/ 4 months at home. In some case precedents re: our clients, judges have applied a 1/3 responsibility for the overall cost to the child and to each parent.
  • Emotional Component: Making payments for child support with no certainty that the payment is going to provide for your child. Anger may show up when the ‘other’ parent informs you that you owe additional funds for unexpected child care expenses, etc… Disputes occur often over what is already included in normal child support vs. over and above costs.
  • If you are in a second relationship, every additional dollar paid out (especially in limited access situations) may be seen as a burden re: providing for your new family. In addition, the payments made to your child’s other home is not based on their family income/need. See attached article: My New Family Matters…Too!

While in general a new spouse’s’ income is not included in any child support calculation, the reality is that the new home (partner) pays toward child expenses from their family income. Children from a new, subsequent family are treated as second class to a parent’s first family (children) in Family Law’s pecking order. 

Further Comments

  • It is a rare separating family that has enough assets and yearly income to deal with the costs from a separation with children.
  • Accept that your lifestyle is going to take a significant dip. Children can’t be shielded from that reality; however, they can be shielded from any blame game targeting their other parent for the change in financial circumstances.
  • Spousal + child support + extraordinary expenses can add up to 50% or more of take home pay. In addition, there is a need to find a suitable place for the children, when they are residing with you on overnight stays. If a boy/girl that may mean an extra bedroom or a child sleeping in your room. It isn’t that this isn’t doable; however, there is a psychological aspect to a situation, when they are with you ‘feels’ inadequate or less than what they are used to or have in their other home.
  • Unfortunately, it may be a good ‘defensive’ step to ensure that the sleeping arrangements are ‘suitable’ by approaching a child specialist or even F&CS.
  • I made the mistake of discouraging sleepovers for my 12-year-old daughter at my ‘new place’ for the reasons given.  In addition, when my oldest daughter (age 16) moved to my residence (?) almost immediately, I failed to build a dad’s home in any meaningful way. Life seemed to be always in transition.
  • “I failed to understand that I was now a single parent, building a single parent home, just as my children’s other parent was doing.’
  • Consumer proposals are common enough for separating families with relatively low family incomes. Child support and any arrears are not reduced in a consumer proposal. These obligations are a priority that must be paid. Arrears may be subject to a court ordered repayment plan that is more ‘manageable’. Only a successful argument re: undue hardship may provide relief on Court ordered family support payments. Undue hardship is a difficult test and we suggest that you read more on that topic.
  • Allowing arrears to build up is a deadly outcome. Arrears cannot be willed away. They simply build and grow. You must take ‘timely’ steps to stop the bleeding in order to get a reduction in support payments for loss of job, layoff or pay reductions (reduced hours, etc.). Some of these relief actions may occur when tax returns (line 150) are disclosed in order to adjust the next year’s payment. However, there are life events where seeking immediate relief is required or arrears will begin to add up.
  • Unfortunately, there is no facilitator for negotiating a new agreement for legitimate change in financial circumstances. Because these payments are set out as Court orders, the court must agree to alter the financial agreement. One way to accomplish the change is for the recipient to agree to the changes on a voluntary/consent basis. The form is available on-line through the Attorney-General of Ontario web site. It is worth reviewing!
  • Mediation may be part of the agreed to process by the parties for settlement, if the parties are unable to reach an agreement.
  • Every separation agreement SHOULD have an accepted process to deal with finding solutions to the inevitable, life changes that are outside of going to court. It must be a process built expecting success not failure. It is my belief it should be mandatory.
  • Overwhelming weekly deficit and debts can lead to interrupted parenting and as such, even workplace problems from absence owing to depression. On too many occasions, I have had clients enter our office and when they leave, I know with high certainty that they are going to be overwhelmed financially and are ill-prepared for the financial challenge.
  • Updating your FRO payments because of conflict or substantial change through the Court with a lawyer may cost $3000 or more. It is a wicked system. The current system leads to serious, negative outcomes, because we can’t provide a process and solutions that are based on common sense. A concern is that law is built too often on unusual cases and these cases are not applicable for most disputes, where there is simply not enough money. (See resources – articles)
  • The use of the words voluntary, consensual, mediation and collaborative suggest that I am living in my own ‘dream’ world – agreements are often created from anger and discord. However, it is necessary to create a different, everyday environment for your children and yourself; or at least one of benign indifference!
  • The suggestions above are in everyone’s long term interest, including children, extended family, new partners, etc. Including the intention to follow a process set out in the original separation agreement is a head start to find non-conflict solutions.

‘Focus on fairness, respond with calm, never respond with anger!’ – A separated dad

To that wise advice, forgive yourself for a lapse…and then rededicate yourself to the above goal.

Do your homework on fairness! Don’t expect the law/guidelines to be thrown out because you have your unique, family history from yesteryear. What matters is finding a reasonable solution for where your family is now.

A Final Personal note:

Many years ago, half way through a 3 year journey to arrive at a final separation agreement, I said ‘enough is enough’. I was tired of being run over, so I decided to go to Small Claims Court over a couple of financial matters. I had hesitated for many months over taking such an action. I barely knew the process, except, that I was right about my cause and my expectation for success.

The details really don’t matter. What did matter was how I felt going through a process with my children’s mother, my son and my new partner in the court. Here were two former intimate partners, middle-aged parents, fighting over money OR to be truthful driven by everything that had happened over the last few years. I felt pathetic!

My ‘enough is enough’ cry would not be satisfied by a court victory or a court loss.

I was simply left with sadness and embarrassment at my decision to proceed. A lesson that I have never forgotten! I forgave myself in time; I learned a forever lesson! Does it move us to a calmer place or a more chaotic place? Each parent has to make their own assessment.

As stated earlier, cases are often based on unusual circumstances. As such, I still hold a belief that former, intimate partners and still parenting partners are better off working out common-sense solutions and compromises within the boundaries of family law.

It is unclear that the logic of the outcomes in the cases below had long-term benefits for the children, parents and grandparents. The judicial path places control in the hands of a justice and case law and perhaps whoever has the best lawyer.

I know that I would prefer to trust loving parents if at all possible!

               Remember the two resources that are great introductions to this topic:

              1) Our Kids Matter,    2.) My Family Matters…Too!