Category: During Separation

Domestic Violence, Intimate Partner Abuse/Violence

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Note: This paper was composed years ago to understand the complexity and broad range of issues within this topic. It is a resource list – some may be dated, however most are educational and comprehensive.

Do your own research. Find support services to help in your recovery if a victim or a perpetrator.

There are many difficult issues connected to any discussion of this topic, and it is specifically so in a family setting. Once violence or other forms of abuse become public the intimate relationship is likely to end and the intact family is likely going to come to an abrupt end.

** There are programs available from counselling, the John Howard Society and Family and Children Services to name a few that may calm the family situation.

I am writing this as someone who has two adult daughters and one adult son, and several granddaughters and grandsons. My wish is that they live in an environment free from being victimized by abusive behaviors or from being an individual who commits abusive acts.

In the recommended resources, there are several articles on signs a) of abusive behaviors; b) of being a victim; c) of gender abuse against women and/or men; d) of support services designed to protect victims, etc.

In our work at Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support and through this website our mission is to find approaches that prevent such behaviors and ensures children remain connected to each parent and extended family.

Please read carefully the materials provided below. An intimate relationship breakdown, even in relationships with no history of abusive behavior, can precipitate high risk/volatile situations once the separation is initiated and during the difficult, early weeks and months.

Finding supports for these initial discussions re: separating may be necessary and appropriate for families who have experienced volatility during their relationship. The worst potential outcomes for children, parents and extended families may occur in the way you end the intimate relationship.

Below are resources over a comprehensive range of topics on Domestic Violence. They were done a few years ago but set out potential direction for matching your situation.

What is relationship conflict or abusive behavior?

Below are recommended resources to understand these issues.

Possible Actions/Supports

Self-representation: what to consider

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, legal

Throughout our resources are warnings that are worrisome for any separating parent about the legal system and Family Law.

The FRRP is about minimizing the role of the legal system by educating parents so that they are in charge of their family’s future/destiny through knowledgeable decisions, with or without a lawyer.  The FRRP goal and hopefully your goal is to work toward a shared parenting agreement that respects and includes the other parent and extended family in the lives of your children.

If Family Law and the employment of lawyers had a respected record of success re: maintaining the involvement of both families, then the employment of family law lawyers would be a no-brainer. But research informs us otherwise. Recently a local family law lawyer described the adversarial system/approach as ‘blood sport’. A Must Read!

In the readings are several case examples that are evidence of a failed system. Consider the option of an adversarial system at a time when emotions often override judgment and decisions are made out of self-interest and not family interests, all done with significant financial cost.

Generally, self-representation is chosen because of financial strains. Debts are greater than assets as few people are prepared financially for a separation with children. Two homes cost more than one home. Legal aid is not provided to the working poor. The default position for some is self-representation or significantly more debt and/or borrowing from family.

If self-representation leads to better outcomes for children and parents in the long run, it will seem to be the approach to take. The evidence is unclear.

What are the outcomes for myself and my children by self-representing?

There is some evidence that self-representation can be self-defeating in terms of outcomes. There is however scarce research on this topic and often the evidence is anecdotal based on a patchwork of stories. Evidence is so individualized that it may fail a more general statement about effectiveness- positive or negative.

Our own analysis has found that the legal profession and family law judges repeatedly complain about the trend to self-representation and as such they rarely are friendly to self-representation. The lack of knowledge of procedures, etc., for wannabe lawyers slows the judicial process. In other words, the system and the professionals within the system are trained to meet the requirements of Family Law-you aren’t!

I have had limited experience in self-representation. As a 30- year classroom teacher, (in front of people)reasonably educated, and a suitable temperament (?), my limited experiences produced mixed results helping clients in Court. In my last experience I lasted maybe 15 seconds and was told to go to the back, sit down and be quiet. No explanation!

I had noted just prior to the above, a conversation between the other lawyer and the judge (colleagues). I decided then to no longer represent anyone in court for I feared my presence was self-defeating for my client. My advice would be provided outside the court room.

I was ill-prepared mentally for the smack down that resulted in a $1500 fine for court costs to my friend/client- wasting the Court’s time. Even worse, was watching my client/friend caught like a deer in the headlights by a judge who displayed zero empathy for this good dad.

In our resources re: Bill C-78 (amendments to the Divorce Act-2018), a local Family Law lawyer mentioned earlier described the system as a ‘blood sport’. This same lawyer is devoting her Family Law work to Collaborative Law. Unfortunately, the cost of Collaborative Law (lawyers) is too expensive for many of you; however, if it leads to a just settlement outside of Court, it may be worthwhile. A drawback is that if Collaborative Law breaks down the clients must obtain alternative, legal counsel.

In this section on self-representation, there is obviously considerable information on Family Law- i.e. a crash course on becoming a lawyer. Even if you eventually turn to a lawyer or even have a lawyer currently, this helps you to be more knowledgeable about the process, your lawyer’s directions, and may save time that saves you money.

Self-representation is more doable when the parents have agreed to try a family friendly approach, and high conflict is unlikely. 

 You need to be built for self-representing or acquire the skills for such. It will require a commitment at a time when your life is emotionally and parenting wise overly complicated. See essay: My Family Matters Too!

I did not intend to be as negative as I may sound. There are statistics that in some jurisdictions 55-80 % of parents are self-representing. Perhaps by being foot soldiers, the acceptability of this approach by parents may change the system. The emphasis may become focused on alternative approaches (Bill C-78) that pre-empt the traditional legal journey described as a ‘blood sport’.

Go beyond what is provided here. This is only a start.

See the Safety and Legal page for more on those topics.

Everything that you probably didn’t want to know on legal issues and separation

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal

Note on legal pages: The recommended resources, articles, etc. are offered in part to make you aware of the different situations that may be part of your on-going journey. The law does change through legislation and case precedent. Some recent articles talk about different case law and legislation that may be updated again and again. You must do your own update or engage a legal professional or access legal services at the Family Law Information Centre (FLIC) at the Court House. WE ARE NOT LAWYERS!

If it were my choice, the legal profession would be left out of the separating process until the final dotting of the agreement.

Parents would determine the parenting agreement with the support of any professionals required to ensure that each parent and extended family would remain an integral, parenting force in the child’s life.

Until our community adopts a process that is intended to maximize each parent’s role, most parents will require the use of family law lawyers at different junctures to settle disputes.

Unless low conflict approaches are employed from the beginning to arrive at a parenting plan, the separation years may seem to be never-ending.

The Resource Hub is focused throughout on two goals: a) a cooperative, shared parenting plan and b) a fair, equitable division of assets.

Accomplishing the above requires jumping through many hurdles at a time when anger, despair, and depression may be your companion many days. To make it through the shades of darkness requires a minimum, working knowledge of family law and the legal process.

Every section of the Resource Hub is designed to provide basic education on the different issues that must be resolved to effectively accomplish the goals set out in the Hub.

The separating process begins formally with the decision and an actual step to separate by one or both parties. Usually, there is an agreed to date of separation. This date may have significance in the division of assets and credit card debt, etc. You are now getting in to the nitty, gritty of detaching from the other parent.

Some former partners remain in the family home for economic/parenting reasons. However, the agreed to date of separation applies. Be aware that it could be challenged, if the parties engage in on-going intimate relations and /or cohabit in a way that creates some doubt over reconciliation.

Preparation before separating

Often, one or both parents/intimate partners have done homework on the separating process. In other words, one party gave the decision some thought, consulted a lawyer or discussed it with friends, who had personal experience.

 In cases of abusive behaviors within the relationship, many women specifically have reached out to professional support, who often recommend a series of pre-steps prior to leaving the family home, often without a conversation with their intimate partner.

This kind of situation is less likely able to avoid the use of the legal system.

If possible (in most cases this is likely), the difficult conversations need to be held prior to separating. It is possible that one or both intimate partners may need  support resources to set out the steps to a) actually initiate the separation in a ‘non-destructive’ manner; b) plan a family conversation to tell the children in a no-fault conversation (see section on Telling the children).

In the section on Domestic Violence, there are comments on the recommended steps found in many advice assessments to mothers. It is our position that there are better ways to ensure safety and create a calmer, separating environment.

The above steps are actually exceedingly difficult emotionally, and incredibly complex. At the very beginning, the Resource Hub is attempting to provide a GPS system to navigate unknown paths to a future that has two home parenting schedules.

If it is done thoughtfully and adheres to your parenting goals for your children and yourselves, you are off to a start to be proud of, even at a time, when the sense of failure may be overwhelming.

An informal parenting plan (initialed, if possible) can continue for some time, while everyone finds their equilibrium.

The focus must be on making the new routines manageable for shared parenting in the early days, weeks even months.

Sooner or later

The time does/will come, when one or both parents decide that the next step to a formal, parenting plan and financial division of assets makes sense. HOW THIS IS DONE IS OF CRITICAL IMPORTANCE!

Going from interim to permanent may make ‘sense’ to one party, but a giant leap for the other party. It sends a clear signal to everyone, who may have held hopes for a different outcome (other spouse, children and extended family or friends).

Now is the time HOPEFULLY for a conversation about how to accomplish the next step of a permanent, separation agreement. If the interim agreement has generally worked re: parenting, the pathway is clear with a few adjustments. In the resources, there are model, parenting plans.

Information and experts cited in the Resource Hub recommend that parents research the different, low conflict legal options; a) mediation and mediators; b) collaborative law and collaborative law lawyers; c) explore family lawyers with a reputation for an informal (collaborative-lite) approach; self-representation (see our intro post on this topic).

Seek out recommendations and do interviews together re: some possible candidates. A warning: once one party has formally engaged a lawyer in the traditional sense, it is likely that this is the direction going forward. As such, the approach on how to settle needs to be on the table before or ASAP following the formal separating.

Sometimes the next step is initiated because of a new relationship and one party desires to hasten or slow down the moving on. Whatever the trigger, one needs to recognize that the status quo of an interim agreement often has a limited shelf life.

 Conversations need to be held regularly re: where each person is on the choices/options to avoid a costly approach.

You are served

You can be served anytime, but it is almost always a shock even when you have been warned that it is coming.

The initial legal document often triggers resentment from the receiving party and often sounds as if it had been written by an angry, aggressive, former intimate partner. But broken down, it has generally just two goals: a) a parenting plan; b) division and equalization of assets.

The legal language and the argument/justification for the parenting and equalization often pushes the outer limit and sometimes well beyond that limit. There is often accusatory language -accurate or not or incomplete or simply false.

Read/reread all documents carefully for what they request! The language can often lead you to take your eye off the ball. You are human after all.

The financial demands may be outrageous or seem so; but remember financials are often governed by rules set out by Family Law.

THERE IS ALMOST ALWAYS A REQUIREMENT TO RESPOND BY A TIMELY DATE. DON’T MISS THE DATE AND THIS MAY REQUIRE A TRUE PLAN OF ACTION!

 Depression that leads to a failure to respond is potentially costly

As an example of being thrown off by such a document, I am reminded that I received an initial court document that stated that my children ‘feared’ me. This was a new, untrue accusation.

It knocked the heck out of me. Such statements, for most intimate partners, triggers a sense of betrayal and confirms the no going back. However, it is important that it doesn’t lead to erratic action through angry communication, public confrontations and interrogating the children.

YOUR NEXT DECISION IS NOW HERE! a) Find a lawyer to be your voice; or b) start learning everything legal in order to self- represent in writing your response; or c) prepare for a case conference.

There is a debate in some circles re: Is it an advantage to be the applicant or respondent? In theory probably no but …? The applicant sets the tone of the debate initially. The respondent must file a reply and may find it difficult to not only respond to the claims set out, but also to the ‘tone’ that attempts to support the claims.

There is some debate as to whether a respondent should refute directly and/or make counterclaims; or simply reply with a simple rejection i.e.” untrue”.

The tone within the document often provides insight into the reasonableness of the other parent and their lawyer.

Discipline, education, organization and taking care of self

Overload is often a major problem for a separating parent at this juncture.

 Consider the different life changing forces in your life:

  • being a parent, negotiating with your children’s other parent…constantly (nothing is normal);
  • convinced that you are failing your children;
  • performance at work;
  • shortage of money;
  • building a mom’s house or a dad’s house;
  • rebuilding your own life; etc. 
  • Oh yes, learning to be a lawyer to save on what you pay, or self-representing;
  •  keeping all the documents straight and on time with different orders.
  •  It goes on and on, with documents that are dissing you and everything good that you believed about your parenting, intimate relationship and family.

The good news is that most of us survive the chaos!

Legal representation

What are the major areas to understand, whether self- representing or with a lawyer? The following is a broad attempt to identify issues faced by separating parents with children. Further research is your responsibility.  A range of websites and resources will be set out.

  1. The Legal process is outlined in a chart in the resource section. The case conference and settlement conference paperwork are prepared by you (if you are self-representing) or your lawyer, working with you. The goal in Ontario and new Federal legislation Bill C-78 is that the parties will arrive at a signed settlement following mediation or the Case Conference or the Settlement Conference. Few cases go to trial, thank goodness. Unfortunately, there is often considerable pain that is expensive in reaching a settlement. The reality is that even today it is a rare case that goes to trial.
  2.  It is also true (to this writer) that fewer trials do not necessarily lead to equitable/fair, co-parenting plans. It can be about exhaustion and financial resources.
  3. Financials: You are encouraged to do your homework on everything financial. These would include maintaining/obtaining past financial records, tax returns, matrimonial home paperwork, defined pension plans valuation, RRSP’s, possible spousal support, child support, other property, possessions, all types of debts, etc.

The more of this prep work that you do on your own the less time (fees) charged by your lawyer.

  • Spousal support is unlike child support. Child support has binding guidelines, that are applied when parenting time for the paying parent is less than 40%. Spousal support has always been uneven or even one might say all over the map.  Spousal support guidelines are now generally applied by a judge, with some discretion, case law and a range of options based on their own judgment.

The duration of spousal support payments is based upon the length of marriage, etc. Many settlements provide a range of payments, often with an uncertain duration for longer term relationships.

 If spousal support is a possibility, each person should read over the guidelines and prepare a case for what is reasonable/fair.

  • Read up on self-representation. Consider whether you fit the suitability/ temperament to do this work. Included are resources and sites for your consideration.
  • If parenting arrangements are a major source of conflict, consider alternative professional resources. They include the OCL (Office of the Children’s Lawyer); private assessors (do your homework on their belief structure); parenting co-ordinators (homework required also); special masters; FRO (Family Responsibility Office).
  • Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a tragic parenting situation faced by too many parents (usually faced by a dad and their child). See the resources for high-conflict-hostile aggressive parenting and PAS.
  • Specialists for children from high conflict family separations are often required. Again, one needs to do your homework on their credentials and their belief structure.
  • Mediator/Arbitration may be required to settle financial disputes.
  • High conflict cases often have a Domestic Violence allegation or child abuse claim. For a dad, this is often a difficult allegation to fully overcome. As such, it must be part of the legal equation in terms of creating a parenting plan. Locally the John Howard Society offers what is called PAR and the Caring Dads’ program, generally for men.

Many fathers are directed to the program by the court, and it may be a quicker route to being reconnected to their children – even if the claims are false. F&CS is almost always involved in such cases, based upon protocol, notification requirements. (see notes on F&CS)

The principal reason for F&CS is to protect children. Therefore, all allegations of any abuse impacting a child requires a safety assessment. Often a lawyer, who specializes in working cases with the F&CS should be hired.

Parallel Parenting Plans are an option in high conflict cases. The recommended resources include such plans.

  1. Abductions. Hague Convention. The possibility of such situations must be considered; especially at a time when diversity in intimate relationships is part of our social landscape. Fathers and mothers often have strong family roots in different countries. (See Resource Hub)

For each of the above situations, recommended resources are included, and they may point you to additional resources that fit your family situation.

Points to consider

Other factors to reduce costs and communicate effectively with your lawyer – a few thoughts:

  1. Read up on the lawyer’s responsibility to client. Read over individuals’ experiences in he resources.
  2. A common complaint: “I can never get a hold of my lawyer. On occasion, his legal secretary returns my call.” Ask about the lawyer’s availability and how the two of you are going to effectively communicate.
  3. How does the lawyer prepare for your Court date? Some lawyers simply meet you at the Court House. How do you provide him/her with your input? What should your expectation be when you go for a hearing?
  4. Is your lawyer competent? Is he good in court? Are you certain of his/her integrity? Are they prepared? Don’t readily accept his fairy tale that you can’t lose. The lawyer is your expert, but they represent you and need to provide you with input, so that you can assess the next legal steps. You ask them the questions about alternatives i.e. the value of a sit down with the other party to resolve certain issues.
  5. Don’t pester your attorney (on the clock) with questions suitable for a counsellor.
  6. KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN FOCUS. In my work with 4 lawyers, not one really talked about the impact on my children. The lawyers were into the’ blood sport-normal adversarial’ process. See resources-essays.
  7. Be honest about situations that show up in court documents. A lawyer can only assess what they know.
  8. Be organized with your information for your lawyer to save time (money) and to ensure he understands the information provided.
  9. Expect professional work and be respectful.
  10. Clarify the lawyer’s charges (retainer) for everything they do for you- down to the phone calls talking to the legal assistant.

Begin to separate your day to day financials IMMEDIATELY upon separating. Remember that separation date!

  1. End joint credit cards, without cutting off key household services. Do it in a timely way.
  2. Start up your own bank account. If possible, remove 50% of any savings. Tell your partner what you have done or are doing.
  3. Protect certain assets from disappearing. Sometimes these assets simply disappear, especially in families that are drowning in debt.
  4. Get all your financial records together. e.g. tax records; mortgages, how the down payment was made; car loans; define pension fund valuations; credit cards at separation date;
  5. Change all relevant passwords, pin numbers, account numbers, etc.
  6. Figure out a financial plan immediately. It may be depressing, but it is necessary. Because some assets are unavailable initially, short term planning may be an absolute necessity.
  7. Grandarents may be an option. Many parents/grandparents do get stuck in the quagmire, so they need to understand the legal status and costs. It can be an added burden to you to have such debts to aging parents.
  8. Many separating families have borrowed money from parents or grandparents for down payments, home renovations, etc. This may have been done on a formal or informal basis. This needs to be part of the equalization process;
  9. Changing/updating your will may be required at some time in the process, including beneficiaries. This would also be a time for parents to review their wills,

Further Comments

Our legal comments are based on the experiences of hundreds of clients navigating the separating process. They are offered to make you aware of the legal issues that are a continuing part of the separating process.

 It is important to do your own homework on the relevant issues that are never-ending, when you have children who have yet to complete post-secondary education (a degree or diploma).

Summary of the Kids ‘n’ Dad Approach:

  • Try to make choices that are intended to be positive for your changed family.
  •  Do not be frustrated by the different parenting and financial conflicts. Forgive yourself for any flaws in your decision-making.
  • Remember the different resources – human or internet- to educate yourself.
  • The problem-solving model employed by the parents I.e. a peaceful and respectful approach to each other acts as a model to your children and a way forward over the long-term.
  • Do not sign anything legal that leaves vagueness and an opening for legal mischief.
  • Verbal agreements are not binding. Weigh the pros and cons on these kinds of agreement.
  • Leaving the matrimonial home as a way of taking care of the children in the short term may be damaging to the children. There are choices such as sharing/splitting the matrimonial home time with the children. The one risk is whether this presents the risk of a confrontation.
  • If some action feels risky- it probably is!
  • Do not buy into your lawyer’s argument that you have a winning position-clear cut. The truth is that he/she could represent the other spouse with probably the same words being employed.
  • Use our resources and others to determine the +’s and – ‘s of self-representation.
  • Each parent needs to start building a home for their children during their parenting time.  A common error is to leave the children in the matrimonial home-absent on parent- for some time. They need EACH parent in their daily life.
  • The initial weeks and months of the separation for many families is often a time that runs up debts, on top of previous debts. Two homes are more expensive than one home. Depression is common and thus job loss, absenteeism, sprees for the children to ‘buy’ happiness or affection are common concerns.

Be sure to look at the different sections that are connected to the legal journey.

Common misunderstandings that can frustrate separating parents

  1. The perception that child support is going to simply enhance your former partner’s lifestyle, not the children. Child support is a court order and is for the other partner to use as they deem proper.
  2. You cannot change a Court order unilaterally because you have unusual debts in a month. On occasion, a former partner may (if payments made directly to them) voluntarily consent to a change.
  3. Child Support is not tax deductible.
  4. Child support does not end automatically at the end of secondary school. Steps must be taken.
  5. Persistent arrears can lead to loss of license and even being jailed. Visit the Attorney-General’s Web Site re: Good Parents Pay.
  6. Some paying parents threaten to quit their job or reduce hours. This is a dangerous strategy.
  7. A new family with children does not reduce the obligation to your children from a previous marriage.
  8. Consumer proposals do not free/reduce child support, arrears or obligations. Occasionally arrears may be made more manageable through a repayment plan negotiated with FRO often in a Court setting.
  9. Arriving at a settlement for arrears or other matters is expensive, even in situations such as the end of a child’s schooling. You may need a lawyer, who specializes in FRO matters.

In the resources are Family Law articles. They cover some nuanced cases, that are on issues mentioned in this section. Unfortunately, Family Law is often made/created from unusual cases, that have extraordinarily, little relevance or reality to families at the lower end of the financial setting

For more voices on the impact of the legal system in separation, see Our Kids Matter and My New Family Matters…Too!

From Day Care to JK to Secondary School Graduation to Victory Lap to Post Secondary Programs

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Parents

“The school years for children and their separated parents are often a reflection of the manner in which the parents invite or disinvite the other parent to be a parenting partner in the children’s lives.”

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

I recollect receiving a call from a support group father that his JK daughter was about to participate in her first Christmas school concert-renditions of Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman were to be the evening fare. He asked if he should go. He worried that everyone in their small community would know that he and the mother were now separated, for they would be visibly sitting apart.

I, not so politely, told him to get his ‘derriere’ to his child’s concert. The day after the concert he called with joy in his heart. It was as If, at least for the moment, he became a parent reborn.

I often remind parents in our annual Christmas newsletter that they should not forfeit the joy of being with their child and all the other parents and grandparents in this school gathering. It can be sometimes difficult and even painful. Parents facing a form of estrangement may find it too overwhelming; but forfeiting your role as a parent in the school setting sends an early, wrong message to your child and the other parent.

Professionals suggest that many fathers surrender too easily when faced with the indignity of being on the outside of these common school events.

For the dad in the above situation, with a child at the beginning of their school life, it was vital that he begins the journey in step with his child.

Why the school is a significant other in your parenting life?

  • Teachers are sources of insight re: you child at every age.
  • Teachers spend more time with your child than many parents do, even in an intact family for some age groups.
  • For separating families, behavioral issues may be spotted by the schoolteacher and coaches. In secondary school, issues such as truancy, lates, etc. may suddenly appear on a report card. Often a parent with less parenting time may not see the report card to become aware of these concerns.
  • Secondary schools are not always the best at ensuring that both parents see their child’s report card- even the majority parenting time parent may not receive the final report card.
  • As a former secondary teacher, I am somewhat ashamed at my/our indifference to do an effective job in supporting children and both separated parents in their difficult journey.
  • In the resources, there are some suggestions re: father involvement and better outcomes for children. In most separated families, fathers have reduced parenting time and less opportunity to influence outcomes.
  •  The school staff is even more important as a source of insight for a parent with less parenting time.
  • Schools, in general, have no policy or programs to include fathers in their students’ lives. Schools get used to mothers, often as the voice for the child, through their regular participation within the intact family. Mothers may be reluctant to communicate ‘problems’ to the other parent in fear of it reflecting back on them or a fear of causing a parenting conflict.
  • School trip supervision provide an opportunity for the ‘other’ reduced time parent to be a full participant in their child’s school day. This will allow them to 1) build a relationship with the teacher(s) in their child’s school life; b) to meet their child’s school friends; c) to be proudly displayed by their child, and for the child to see their parent in a different setting; d) etc. It is a significant parenting opportunity.
  • These opportunities should be shared by joint and shared care parents. Even in ‘sole’ custody arrangements, this should be included in the parenting agreement.
  • Updates on activities, notices and class work, where possible, should be provided to both parents. This may require what I call ‘polite relentlessness’. Teachers are busy and this adds another small step to their life. It also means that you think it is important. It is too easy to let it slide and could result in loss of parenting credibility.
  • In the intact family, you often shared school responsibilities together. You worked as a team. Now you are no longer the same team and the other parent, at best, doesn’t necessarily see it as there parenting role to keep you on top of everything school.
  • The bottom line is that even 50% parenting time (shared) requires a commitment to certain school activities as if you are a single-family parent.
  • By the way that is the mentality that you need. Leaving it to the other parent doesn’t cut it.

Other School Issues

  1. Decision-making re: school. There are decisions required over a range of different topics, concerns. They vary depending on the age of the child; e.g. program selection i.e. French immersion, school activities, counselling needs, etc. Separated parents with joint custody parenting agreements need an agreed to process for working these issues out together. They should be set out in the separation agreement/parenting plan.
  2. Parenting plans should have an annual review in August or earlier to look at the upcoming school year. Try to anticipate extraordinary expenses and consider any changes to the parenting plan that allow it to work better for everyone e.g. changes in work schedule, before or after school needs, rearranging parenting days, etc.
  3. New complicated (blended) families. The role of the stepparent evolves depending on the relationship with the other family and the stepparent’s relationship with stepchildren. The issues can be about the stepparent picking up the stepchildren at school or attending parents’ night. The comfort level of everyone can be involved in the stepparent’s decision. It can be a decision that causes difficulties for the stepparent. Children can also feel caught in the middle. It is also important that the role of the stepparent as a parent of record for pick up on certain days is known by the school for younger children.
  4. There needs to be clear understanding by the school of the priority for calls re: a child’s illness during the school day.
  5. Extraordinary expenses appear in different sections. Again, the Aug. review is the appropriate place for determining shared expenses, not included in the child support. They are not clear, and the Child Tax Benefit may also be considered depending on the parenting plan. Extraordinary expenses for most families (limited means) are a difficult test for parents. Other factors that impact parenting in the long haul are loss of a job, shutdowns and layoffs. It is important to include in the separation agreement a process that humanly approaches these kinds of common situations.
  6. The end of secondary school has a few more wrinkles for separating parents. Child support ends at the end of secondary school- usually in the child’s 18th year. There are many children who require another year for completion and/or choose to upgrade or part-time school to play a fall or winter sport. The latter is sometimes called a victory lap. It can be a difficult parenting decision, even for intact families i.e. a collective decision by parents and child.
  7. In a separated family, where child support is paid by a parent, there is an added implication of another year of payments to the recipient parent for the child if the above occurs. It may become debateable re: the worthiness of this decision for the child.
  8. A child after the completion of secondary school should be taking care of their own expenses by working if they are not doing a post-secondary educational program. Common-sense needs to be employed; but many children have drifted away from the paying parent and may feel estranged or distant from that parent. Navigating the ‘end of school’ should begin early. Read up on the legal responsibility in more detail, so that you are prepared for this possibility. The separation agreement should anticipate this common situation and put in place a process to resolve differences.

 Drifting in hope that it goes away can be an expensive choice

  • Post-Secondary programs: In general, the parenting responsibility for a paying parent is an obligation to the completion of the first degree or diploma. If the child continues school immediately after secondary school, payments continue. The additional costs each year is a bit messy.
  •  Some justices have employed a 1/3 responsibility for each parent and the child. This is somewhat of a negotiation. In addition, there is considerable financial support in Ontario for students in general and students with less means. Parents should be in contact with the child’s school, preferably two years ahead, to ensure a full understanding of all financial possibilities. Many parents, with limited means, should have their child consider post-secondary schooling within the Region.
  • The conversation needs to be had with the child early on, in order to make them aware of the financial reality. Early on allows for all parties to work toward the needed support for the child.
  • Many separating families have toddler age children. Beginning an RESP should be explored as early as possible. It obviously can be a very difficult time financially; however this may also be at time to include grandparents or other significant supports. RESP’s present a rare opportunity to receive ‘free’ money from the government toward your child’s education.
  • Ending child support is another messy situation. As stated earlier, it can end at 18 upon the child completing secondary school. Some children take a year off and plan to return to school with some savings (?) from a year of work.
  •  In our view, the payer should no longer make payments during this work year. We do not know if the child does return to school until they do. I would suggest that the payer parent set aside some/all of the child support payment previously paid in anticipation that the child does what was intended. This will allow for some financial flexibility.
  • Unfortunately, the possibilities at this age and stage of late adolescence are unlimited. Parents and child would be better off if they agreed to a common approach based on everyone’s financial position. Payments of child support to a parent would be completed. The parents and child work out a plan of support that includes the child’s financial contribution through work or student loans. Bursaries, scholarships and grants would be considered assessing the yearly financial costs. It is our contention that everyone is better off if they are full participants in the discussion and outcome. Each parent has an on-going interest in their child’s success. While this approach may not be in strict adherence of Family law, our collective experience suggests it is a more fruitful approach for most families in the long-term.
  • End of Child Support: If the parents agree to the idea in #9 or #13, then child support should be terminated. If it is done through FRO, the recipient parent provides their consent by signing off with FRO. The parents will implement their new post-secondary plan.
  • The recipient parent should consent to terminate child support payments following the completion of 1st degree or diploma or similar accepted program. Failure to do so is fraudulent behavior.

Comment: There is a place for common-sense in the financials connected to schooling. A good working relationship with the other parent works for the child and parents. There is almost always limited financial means.

 Selfishness rarely works in the long run.

At this stage- the launch into independence-initiates the time for the young, adult child to have a more responsible relationship with each parent.

Looking for more resources on education? Check out the Development and School sections under the General Parenting Resources on the Audience page.

Parenting Plans: An Introduction

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Our position is all about maintaining/rebuilding enduring, integral parenting relationships through the disruption and chaos that often accompanies a family breakdown.

There are many relationships that contribute to a child’s positive development over the years, and into adulthood.

Parenting Plans (PP) may create a pathway that sustains the different relationships over time and build strong bonds that can withstand the stresses and strains that life inevitably throws at every separated family as they transition into two homes.

Our resources support creating parenting arrangements that accomplish the above mission.

Each family has their unique history and as such require their own common and unique pathway to achieving their parenting mission.

Kids ‘n’ Dad’s believes that for every family there is a pathway to creating a parenting plan where each child and each parent can maintain/build  parenting relationships that they own.

Every PP should be created where each parent feels confident in building an enduring, thriving relationship with each child. While they must accept that it will be different in two homes, it can be successful.

No parent should accept a plan that is likely to be in the long-term unsuccessful at what should be every parent’s mission.

A parenting plan provides an opportunity for parents to place their forever love for their child ahead of anger or disappointment at the failure of their intimate relationship.

For parents with the parenting will and commitment, there are NO external forces to prevent their success, provided they keep their eyes on the purpose; namely, integral parenting relationships for each parent-child-extended family.

Templates and Resources

Parenting Plan Options – Broad Choices (two week-14 day cycle)

  1. 50/50 Parenting Time- requires high level of cooperation; flexibility that deals with occasional changes; full-participation by both parents, grandparents and stepparents in everything child. Access/care time may be unique to the parents and works for the child i.e. week on/week off; 2/5 and 5/2 2-week schedule, or your unique schedule.
  2. 40/40 Shared Parenting Presumption: The remaining time is negotiated between the parents;  it is viewed as fully shared parenting, including decision-making re: the children.
  3.  Joint Custody: Usually a 9/5-day parenting schedule or 10/4. Shared holiday schedule; full participation in everything child- more or less. This is less than the many of our resources recommend.
  4. Joint Custody- more bare bones. 10/4 or less.  parenting schedule. Holidays week-ends may not be fully shared.
  5. Sole Custody: Decision-making re: the child rests with one parent on major issues. The parenting access may be similar to #2 or #3. Updates re: major decisions should be written into the agreement re: school, medical, etc.
  6. Parallel Parenting: detailed on virtually every aspect of parenting. This is for high conflict parents but allows for shared or joint access. The parenting rules are set out in detail. Decision-making (issues not thought of) probably requires an accepted process of outside professionals.
  7. Generous access parenting: PP that provides the home, based parent control over defining ‘generous’. May work for workaholic parent; allows for flexible work schedule.

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

       

An open letter to separating parents on your parent-child relationship

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

Every child is unique and so are their needs during a family breakup!

Without getting into the more complex part of your child’s make-up, the obvious factors at the time of separation are the child’s age and gender identity.

Other factors may be of more importance:

  1. The existing relationship each parent has with their child.
  2. The degree of turmoil prior to the parents’ separating and the duration of that turmoil.
  3. The trigger for the separation is often a trigger for a pre-teen or adolescent.
  4. Often one parent in an unhappy marriage has separated themselves from their spouse for some time within the intact marriage. The family has had fewer positive times together.
  5. A parent may have lost track of their child (ren) in the lead up to the separation e.g. not attending extra-curricular or school events.
  6. Non- diagnosed or unattended or misunderstood signs of depression may have isolated one or both parents from the children.

The above factors present a problem for each parent.

 A critical factor is that many mothers may see themselves as the primary parent with the temperament, skills and on the job parenting experience. This is especially true for mothers with young children.

Few fathers take paternity leave to the same extent as mothers. Each family sorts out their parenting role within the intact family. Shared, equal parenting is getting closer for the modern family; but in the world of separation the perception is often found through a mother’s eyes.

A mother has a difficult choice depending on her view of the parenting world for her family. Does she believe that her child’s father is an integral part of their child’s healthy development at every stage of childhood, even in a two home, changed family?

This question needs to be asked of every mother at the time of separation. It is the question that must be on the table prior to or at the time of separation.

Remember that the research suggests strongly that shared parenting that comes close to a minimum 40% parenting time optimizes best outcomes for a child. It is the pillar that builds strong, cooperation between the parents by maintaining supportive, involved parenting by both parents, within a safe and secure family setting.

Many separating fathers face their own dilemma. Some dads have been involved parents, fully sharing in their parenting role. Other dads, because of the nature of their employment, begin their day early in the morning or complete their work day at unpredictable times. Other fathers simply have taken the lead of their partner (mother) in the parenting role that they played in the intact family.

I believe that the role a dad played prior to the separation has limited relevance to the post-separation role of shared parenting. Unless the father has been an absentee parent or has little interest in being a shared parent, he can acquire the parenting skills to be an effective parent.

There are many parenting programs for fathers and mothers to be effective parents in an intact family or in a two home family.

Separated parents must recognize that everything changes i.e. every parenting relationship and to be honest every significant, family relationship. Your parenting life is incredibly complicated and for many dads, it is often even more complicated. There is often doubt in the social service network in your skill set and/or temperament to be a co- parent to your child.

This is especially a factor if your current parenting role is challenged; or if you are creating a changed parenting role given the changed circumstances.

Children are faced with uncertainty once the separation is confirmed to them. Many parents fail to have this conversation with an agreed to, no-fault explanation. I suggest that you compile an anticipated list of questions. These questions are likely different for each child and for each gender. Remember the children’s questions may seem off the wall, selfish and even judgmental. In doing this exercise and engaging in this necessary conversation with the children, problems can be identified that may change the details of your parenting plan, currently a work in progress.

In our section on telling the children, it is possible that the outcome is silence, tears, reflection, anger, etc. Age and gender may play a role in the child’s reaction or non-reaction. Each parent’s emotional state may also influence the reaction. This can be for a child a very isolating and lonely time. A time of embarrassment and failure.

I remember that my feelings were that I was a failure as an intimate partner, as a father and aa a provider. Many children wonder if their last failure to do what they were told or their teen rebellion were responsible for the family breakup.

Included are supplementary readings on children’s developmental stages, etc., to help understand children’s differing reactions.

Mental Health Concerns for Children

Studies indicate that children from separated families experience mental health issues at approximately 3 times the incidence rate within intact families. It is further evidence that parents must recognize the risk to their children of all ages. Separating/separated families have a greater responsibility to make parenting plans that maintain or restore calm and predictability to their children’s lives within a two- parent framework.

One constant in most children’s lives is the school. It may begin at the toddler stage (daycare) or the formal beginning of school. Teachers in your child’s life have more direct contact + observation time with your child than most parents. They can be a significant other, providing a window into your child’s life; i.e. making/losing friends, changes in behavior; isolating, bully or victim, sadness, etc.

Teachers, coaches and other care providers should be informed of the changes taking place in your home. Set up a regular opportunity for information sharing re: your child and confer with other possible sources of support within the school or community.

Privacy or our own embarrassment may paralyze us from doing what is in the best interests of our child. The truth is that taking the recommended steps is in your best interests as a caring parent.

 A separated parent must work even harder than parents in an intact family. Our time with our child is significantly less for any number of reasons i.e. 40-60% parenting time; work longer out of financial need; travel time with children; rebuilding your own life as an individual; etc.

Children need their parents on their schedule, not ours. In an intact family that need is met by mom or dad. In the separated family the available parent is unlikely to encourage the child to phone the missing parent; nor are they likely to tell that parent later that their child reached out to them.

For more Parenting Plan posts, see the Parenting Plan tag. 

My Family Matters… Too!

On By BarryIn During Separation, Guest Post, Mothers

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother. Names of those involved have been changed.

I am the silent unseen voice.  I sit quietly in the shadows watching, listening and learning with each unfair decision made in and out of the courtroom.  I have emotional and financial responsibilities placed on me because of those decisions yet I am given no consideration.  No one listens to my concerns and worries.  I am the “new” wife that stands behind my husband who has battled through a court system for 7 years just to have access to and the right to be a father to his daughter.  I have witnessed each unfair decision made against my husband and I play them back in my head like a horror movie.  I look back and wonder how we have made it this far without giving up but no one cares how I feel.  I’m just the “new wife”; I apparently do not matter.   

How wrong they are! I have lived every day, involved in my husband’s 7-year battle to be dad.

We are not rich, we do not live lavishly or spend money frivolously.  It would appear on the outside that we live the “Canadian Dream”.  How mistaken are those ignorant enough to be fooled because we look like an average couple.  Behind closed doors no one sees the tears, frustration and emotional stress that have been placed on my son and us.  No one recognizes that I have had to learn Family Law and teach myself how to navigate through a court system.  No one sees me working until midnight preparing motions and affidavits and making sure that I have all my T’s crossed and I’s dotted.  I have a full time job, I am not a lawyer but I’ve had to learn to be one.

I’ve helped my husband pack up his house when he lost it due to astronomical lawyer’s fees.  I’ve picked my husband up off the floor when he had no will to carry on, reminding him that there is a little girl who is counting on him to pull through. 

No one understands that I’ve had to put my desire to have more children away or that we rent because of the debt owed to lawyers.  No one cares that I am stuck paying the entire household bills because Alex’s paychecks are used solely to pay child support and lawyers.  No one cares that when he is laid off due to the nature (seasonal/recession) of his work, I pay the child support.  Alex and I want to get formally married but we aren’t able to because his ex refuses to sign divorce papers out of spite.  I have actually been written into the final order to mediate or speak with his ex in person or on the phone when they can’t get along to make a decision.

 If I have no involvement then what the hell have I been doing for the past seven years? 

I have a son from a previous marriage.  Alex has known Ben since the age of 3, he’s 10 now.  My ex and my husband get along, they sit and chat, and we welcome Tom (my ex) into our home just as he welcomes us into his.  I am doing what I am supposed to do as a mother to make my son feel at ease with the separation of his parents.  Ben loves his step-dad, they have a bond together much like father and son.

I have yet to hear one judge inquire about Ben’s feelings although he’s talked about often in proceedings. 

Ben has witnessed endless arguments between Alex and me because we just didn’t know what else to do in the aftermath of another day in court that proved to be disheartening.  Ben has missed birthday parties simply because we could not afford the gift.  For the past four years Ben has had to sit in 3hr car rides twice a weekend because it was ordered that we do all the driving when the ‘ex’ decided to move over an hour away.  Ben despises the car rides, but he is too young to remain home alone and I have no choice but to be there for access exchanges to serve as a witness for Alex if his ex initiates arguments.  My son is hurt when Alex’s daughter decides she doesn’t want to come mainly because of her mother’s influence.  He is confused by the situation and feels like maybe she just doesn’t like playing with him.  I try to protect my son from the drama but sometimes it just can’t be avoided.  I sit back and listen to judges and lawyers preach to both Alex and his ex about the “best interests of the child”. 

What about my child? Does he not deserve ‘best interests’ too?

We cannot afford vacations and we currently have no home phone or cable.  It’s very upsetting to hear that the other side is purchasing big screen TVs, new bedroom furniture, re-doing there home and it’s tough for all of us to listen to Alex’s daughter’s recollections of Disney and family vacations.  If I sound jealous I am.  Alex and I work hard to pay for his ex’s vacations yet we get no downtime to recover from the beatings we get from the court system.  We have been forced to sacrifice just to try and make ends meet.  Alex’s daughter is only 10 and we have at least 8 more years of this. Please understand that my words don’t even scratch the surface of our experience. 

Our judicial system assumes that fathers of divorce remain single; that they do not re-marry or have obligations to a new family.  Courts demand divorced fathers to make it there sole purpose in life to meet the monetary expectations set out by judges who do not fully understand or care what the emotional and financial impact of “their court orders”, not only to the father but to the family standing behind that man.

 I have experienced first hand the biased views placed upon my husband because he is a man and the non-caring attitude of judges who do not listen to his legitimate concerns.  I laugh when groups such as Kids n Dads are accused of defending those men who are affected and are said to have a one sided opinion.  I can assure you that these individuals have never set foot in a courtroom to experience the biased attitudes of judges and legal counsel against them. 

I have often wondered about the actual statistics of men labeled as “dead beat fathers” and are these truly non caring individuals or are these men simply giving up because they don’t have the financial means or emotional stability to fight a losing battle?  Then you look at Alex and I who have given all that we have financially, emotionally and more to ensure that his daughter grows up knowing her dad.  We have had to fight for every little success and there aren’t many.

 I often wonder what the suicide rates are for those men who just can’t handle the abuse that is placed upon them because they are a man fighting in a sexist court system with no protection.  Alex and I know of two men who have taken their life because they could not handle the pressures and accusations of being a “divorced father”.  I have done everything humanly possible to prevent Alex from becoming one of these statistics.  These are the stories you don’t hear about.

We are the ones that have fallen through the cracks and there is no real support within the system for us.  Some days we simply agree that this is just how it has to be and other days we have some fight left.  We are being worn down. 

For me, as the woman and “new wife” behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to help fight this battle. I love my husband and Ben loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay, but I’m very tired… almost all the time.

This feature was contributed by to Kids ‘n’ Dad by a Subsequent Partner and Mother. Looking for more stories from separated families? Check out the Fathers and Mothers sections of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.

                

Mediation: An Introduction

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation

Relationships that do not end peacefully, do not end at all. 

– Merrit Malloy, The Quotable Quote Book

Our work at Kids ‘n’ Dad is about supporting families to navigate through the grief and loss that is part of every family breakdown. There are many possible triggers in the traditional legal journey, that has recently been described by a brave, community lawyer as blood-sport. She is now a strong advocate for Collaborative Family Law.

Since 2008, Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support has advocated for an approach that placed a collaborative approach at the forefront of strategies to arrive at a two parent and two extended families shared, custody settlement for matters pertaining to a family breakup.

There are different forms of mediation, each with different wrinkles in how it is practiced. You need to be thorough in your interview of any practitioners of this form of support. Do your homework.

 There are resources identifying community supports.

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we clearly have a ‘bias/perspective’ in what we advocate as the most desirable set of outcomes. Many mediators or parenting co-ordinators have their own set of bias/perspectives on best outcomes. Again, each parent, together if possible, should seek out human resources that are supportive of their parenting goals.

It is important to do your homework prior to going to mediation in order to be prepared for the emotionally draining task to reach a family centred settlement.

While we at Kids ‘n’ Dad strongly support shared parenting (40/40 default minimum), it is possible that this is not going to happen. This does not mean that mediation is a failure. The process of negotiation and seeking fair compromises is worthwhile for parents and children.

We have a caveat to our shared 40/40 parenting. Out of mediation, each parent should have a level of certainty that they have the access time, parenting tools, flexibility and support of the other parent to own (thrive) their relationship with each of their children.

Please review the Resource Hub. Read the other sections to support your efforts to build inclusive family relationships.

Parenting: Holidays, special occasions, etc. and Parenting Plans

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Holidays

Barry’s general reflections on holidays and parenting plans

  • ‘Special days’ are often a source of sorrow, loss and grief for one or both parents, children and extended families following a family separation.
  • Special days make clear that the family is now separated, and things are no longer the same, even in separations that are relatively friendly.
  • These days may be in stark contrast to being family friendly to days that are tense even dreaded.
  • Consider ‘special days’ for parents: birthdays, anniversaries, school graduations, commencements and weddings, religious ceremonies, other life events.
  • Children may live in fear of something or someone triggering an emotional event.
  • Consider all the statutory holidays that are associated with family gatherings and celebrations.
  • Family vacations, Christmas holidays, March break, and summer school holidays for children.
  • The Resource Hub incudes PA days for our children for they often create the opportunity for parenting long weekends.
  • Resource Hub also includes school trips where parents may accompany and supervise their own child and other students.
  • Consider the never-ending opportunity/demand on children now with 2 families and re: new stepparents and families (see blended family section).
  • An effective Parenting Plan (PP) must accommodate all of these ‘happenings’ and dole out fairness and opportunities in an equitable way… or NOT.
  • The NOT outcome often leads to conflict, hurt feeling, anger, sadness and sense of abandonment. Even with an objective fairness standard in place, the above set of emotional outcomes may still occur and to be truthful are likely to occur.
  • Children often feel that their life is meeting the adult requirements of access. Again, read or reread the resource ‘After my parents divorced…,’

Solutions/Ideas or help!

  • Returning to a ‘normal’ family life without constant chaos must be our sooner than later goal. So mixed in with parenting equity, extended family opportunities and children’s needs is the goal of calm over chaos.
  • Any joint PP requires a fair, consistent formula to be included in the eventual PP to settle on-going disputes. Change is inevitable and in a two-family home it almost always has more complications.
  • Separating parents and a support professional can work out a schedule- the schedule can be your family’s version of fairness and what works for you on celebrating a child’s birthday, or a parent’s birthday or a nanna’s birthday or a poppa’s birthday.
  • Schedules can be explicit in order to accommodate almost everything or be simple and just go by the calendar dates and hope that equals fairness… most/some of the time (luck of the draw).
  • Parents often go by even/odd years for varying important holidays such as Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
  • Some families are big on Christmas Eve and less so on Christmas dinner. Birthdays on the actual day may have importance or not be as important.
  • Battling over something that is less important for you is a dangerous strategy. It occurs when one parent feels they are not being met half-way by the other parent. Flexibility and compromise to find win-win outcomes is a better approach. It is not easy, but the more often done the easier it becomes. Remember the move from chaos to calm goal.
  • In all of this it is important that these special occasions are about building inclusive family relationships in a dad’s home and a mom’s home. This is not easy; but these special occasions offer the opportunity for special times provided a child is not caught in a battle between parents and extended families.
  • How this works out- calm or chaos-depends on the commitment of the parents and their belief that their child needs and deserves every opportunity to have a flourishing relationship with all the essential, supportive family relationships?
  • See the Parenting Plans in different sections designed for accomplishing a Mom’s Home and a Dad’s Home.

Blended families

  • Families have traditions, so where possible, one should try to accommodate these family traditions.  
  • Christmas was a tradition in my family life- opening of gifts, grandparents, brother’s family, dinner, type of tree, etc. These were a few ‘demands’ that I made of my new partner on our first family Christmas with my children. It worked out, sort of; but my wife was pressured to accommodate to my previous life traditions i.e. not her traditions.
  • The kind of Xmas tree was very important, I thought. I insisted and my wife reluctantly agreed on my children’s family of origin Xmas tree.
  • When my children had families and their own Christmas tree ‘tradition to begin’- not one of the three chose the so called ‘traditional, family Christmas tree.
  •  I learned over time, that new traditions are more than OK. What seems incredibly important are often not nearly as important in the long run.
  • Blended families at Christmas and birthdays, etc., may suffer from children doing a comparison of gifts. Children from blended families are often in a measuring faze of costs.
  • For blended families, this can be a constant source of conflict in many areas of life.
  •  In blended families, where a step-child is in the home less than other children, their sense of belonging is often affected by their perceived sense of being lesser than; or other children in the home full-time may believe the parents are buying the other child off. To the children it can be viewed as who is loved the most.
  • It is important to find ways to communicate your love and their gift of being with you as a blessing in your life. For all the difficulties that life throws at you and your child, they must know that you value, care and love them… through whatever.
  • There is a wonderful little film called Eighth Grade (2018). It is an understated film about a dad and his about to graduate 8th grade daughter. There is a moving scene near the end of the film that captures the daughter’s perception of her life and how she believes dad feels about her. He then explains to her his realty. It is a magical moment where a parent pushes away life getting in the way and focuses on what really matters.
  •  It is more than worth seeing/ hearing again and again. It was magic to this separated parent.

A separated parent rarely seeing their child or severely interrupted parenting

These situations unfortunately occur too often – especially between a dad and child. We recommend maintaining contact for birthdays and other special occasions. This may require emotional strength, so I understand this may not be possible for everyone. I would include in a card an enquiry about what they are doing and an update on your life. If you feel like you wish to continue to give them a gift I would do so. The tragedy for the child is the damage caused by feeling abandoned. Remember their sense of what resulted in the separateness may not be reality.

You can’t be obsessive, but you can consistently deliver the only message perhaps available- that they are always a part of your thoughts and life.

Recommended readings:

  1. After my parents divorced….  (Globe & Mail) Listen to her voice and what she is describing that took her down the path to this essay. Read the comments by the readers.
  2. How divorced parents can have a happy Thanksgiving (and existence). (Globe & Mail, Oct. 6, 2011)
  3. Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support Christmas Essay: My Complicated Family Turns 20  (Kids n Dad Essay)

High Conflict Divorce: Mediating Parenting Plans

On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

Please note – This article does not refer to women who may be experiencing verbal, sexual or physical abuse by their male partners.

Meeting with couples engaged in high conflict divorces, you are immediately thrust into an eye-for-an-eye battle. Such couples communicate with scripted monologues that presuppose both the opening statements and replies of the other. They each seek to redress the perceived imbalance of past wrongs and with each strike they heap more injustice on each other to add to their mutual discontent. They have secret code words and looks that are incendiary, causing the other to ignite without our perceiving the trigger.

The divorce process to these couples has less to do with negotiating financial and parenting plans and all the more to do with getting even. They each have an imagined value for the pain and suffering experienced in the marriage and look to the divorce to settle the score. They have lost sight of the best interests of the children even while using this catch phrase to couch their positions.

While some couples enter mediation in good faith, many high conflict couples enter mediation simply to avoid the high cost of the contested battle and in other cases to prove the inability of the other to negotiate. Mediation can be just another ploy in the battle to prove who is worse.

Put these couples in the same room for facilitative or communicative style mediation and watch them run roughshod over the mediator, particularly the uninitiated. The immediate response is a series of caucuses as the mediator recognizes their inability to control the individuals in the same room.

But what of the children in high conflict divorce situations whose parents are duking it out over child custody and access issues? The mediator cannot remain neutral with regard to the best interest of the children. High conflict divorce mediation requires the mediator to make clear this position – to inform the parents that they will advocate on behalf of the children such that their needs can best be met. The mediator should be commenting on parental behaviour and it’s impact on the wellbeing of children.

An objective with regard to developing a parenting plan is to inform, if not educate the parents on their destructive behaviour to the social-emotional development of their children while respecting the right for both parents to have meaningful relationships with their children. Their role is not therapeutic per se with regard to the marriage. The mediator cannot hold any rescue fantasies and must fully accept that the marriage is over. The mediator must therefore accept the foibles of the parents and as such only seek to instil compensatory strategies, teaching or structuring ways to mitigate anger and the exchange of parental information when necessary. The process also cannot avoid issues raised by the parties, particularly when issues of drugs, alcohol, abuse or inappropriate discipline or care are disclosed. Rather, the mediator must bring these issues to the foreground to be addressed as part of the plan. While each complains of the parenting of the other, it may be that both should attend selective parenting courses and that this be written into the parenting plan agreement.

Therefore, to stand a chance of a mediated parenting plan, the mediator must: be able to enter a high conflict situation; keep the focus on the children; accept that the parents won’t likely change with regard to each other; provide strategies to keep both parents meaningfully involved with the children; and address harmful issues. It’s a tall order.

The process requires an active and seasoned mediator with knowledge and training on child development and this is definitely not for the faint-of-heart. A defining variable in choosing a mediator is finding one who is able to handle the intensity of high conflict couples and offers a structured approach to the mediation process itself. The actual structure may differ between mediators, but each mediator should none-the-less be able to articulate their process.

The goal? A parenting plan both parents can agree to that meets the children’s needs and maintains relationships.  

See the Safety and Legal page for more on these topics.