Every dad wants the best for his children

On September 2, 2019May 2, 2026 By BarryIn After Separation, Grandparent, Holidays

This article by Barry first appeared as a columnist submission in the Waterloo Region Record on July 15, 2019.

My 47th Father’s Day intersects with the recent passage of my 75th birthday, a milestone that started me on a journey of remembrance from childhood to adolescence, to parenting and grandparenting.

There are those who suggest that today’s 75 is really 60. My response is that the advocates of that position don’t have a rapidly declining golf game, nor four grandchildren between the ages of two and nine.

Twenty-eight years ago, I became a separated dad. It was a profound experience and continues to be almost three decades later.

On my office desk are pictures of my six grandchildren and they are a daily reminder of my family’s journey to this time and place.

Clip of Record article Every dad wants the best for his children.

A picture taken by my son-in-law captured my three-year-old granddaughter and I, hand in hand, quietly watching the magical sunset on the Gulf of Mexico. My eyes misted over for I knew that my father and gramps were on that beach, hand in hand with us through their gifts of love forever, through whatever.

Once the worst of the chaos and a semblance of normalcy and calm were restored following the separation, I committed to supporting families one by one, and ensuring that every child has both parents and extended families in their daily lives.

The mission of our little agency is based on a basic belief that separating parents can love their children more than they are angry with the other parent, provided the right supports are available.

Barack Obama articulated the transformation and aspirational mission of every dad when he penned the following in an open letter to his two daughters in 2009, prior to his inauguration. “But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn’t seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn’t count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfilment in yours.”

My transformational experience to fatherhood began almost 48 years ago through the adoption process. My son was placed in my arms by a Children’s Aid worker. She left the two-month-old infant with us for 10 minutes and returned to ask: Do you want to take him home? She didn’t seem to understand – that infant became my son forever, the moment he was placed in my arms. I still recall feeding him his first bottle and the radio appropriately playing the “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “Brahms Lullaby.” Tears of joy were my companion that day.

One child, in time, became three and 25 years later a new, joyful role began – I became a grandpa; now I have six grandchildren.

There is a wonderful description that captures the role of parents and grandparents: Necessary to the completeness of the whole.

Supporting integral parenting relationships through a family separation should be the mission of family law and social services. Unfortunately, it is unclear that ensuring integral, parenting relationships for separated dads is in any way a priority.

In a report in 2010, the Law Commission of Ontario offered a frightening conclusion from the users of the family law legal system. It suggested that too often solvable problems turn into unsolvable outcomes. The devastating consequences are unnecessary conflict and chaos that too often leads to interrupted parenting or worse – almost always for dads and paternal grandparents.

There is a basic question that divorce lawyers, Family and Children’s Services, counsellors, assessors etc. need to answer. Are the dad and the paternal grandparents a necessary, integral partner in the completeness of their child’s and grandchild’s life? I wonder who celebrates and advocates for separated single dads, whatever their parenting time, within these bodies. I fear the response is too often a shrug, or it’s time to move on. The message given to children is that the dad is not essential to their lives.

My father was an imperfect, flawed, loving, supportive and integral parent and an almost perfect grandpa to five. He suffered a massive stroke 12 hours after visiting this still wounded and vulnerable son, two months before my remarriage.

The chaos over three years claimed him as yet another victim. His last conscious act was to be my dad at the age of 76; to continue to be the integral parent and grandparent. He is my model and symbolizes the desire of every dad and grandfather that has graced my life.

My New Complicated Family Turns 25: December 2018

On December 4, 2018April 30, 2026 By BarryIn After Separation, Holidays

Barry and his grandkids at at Kitchener Rangers game — Barry and grandchildren at a local hockey game

Almost 28 years ago on my last night in the family home, I chose to fall asleep on the floor beside my youngest daughter’s (just turned 12) bed, hoping that somehow, she would know that I loved her forever. I feared that her age placed her at the most vulnerable age.

The next morning would be my last in the intact, family home. There was no single, triggering event, simply two people who had grown apart and failed to take care of each other over the latter years.

It was all done in a ‘civilized’ manner. Neither parent understood really what their reaction would be; nor the devastating way in which every family relationship would be at risk.

Immediately on leaving the matrimonial home, I was overwhelmed by the possibility of the loss of my children (19, 16, and 12). The first night absent from my home brought dark thoughts. I returned to ‘my’ home the next morning to explain my unrest; the conversation was difficult and unsuccessful.

My 16-year-old daughter chose to join me and returned to the one bedroom, where I had arranged to live in the short term. Now, my new status included my oldest daughter. It is probably an overstatement that it was lifesaving, but at the time, her choice reaffirmed that I was still dad.

Thankfully, the darkest of thoughts never returned.

When you enter the separating environment, the only certainty is the lack of certainty. Every family relationship and every other, significant relationship feels as if it is under scrutiny and judgment. An intimate relationship with children that was happy has now been exposed as a ‘failure’ with all the questions that come with the territory.

Each parent needs a supporting thought to hold on to during the initial days, weeks and months.

I would suggest the following as a guiding principle.

Remember. You are still a parent. You still have a family! (Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House).

The bedroom that my daughter and I shared for that first week didn’t feel like a new single parent home; it felt like and looked like failure! After that first week, I found a basement apartment, maybe fit for a poor student. The only real room had a divider for privacy and a shower in the hallway. For a middle-class teacher and daughter, it too felt and looked like failure! This was followed by a more traditional apartment furnished in Spartan style.

I lived in that ‘style’ for close to 3 years.

As you can tell, I had not read or implemented Ricci’s counsel that I was a new family. It contributed to my sense of failure as father, provider and intimate partner.

Barbara Coloroso describes single parent and blended families as ‘families born of loss and hope’. For many separating parents and children, the journey going forward is a tug of war between loss and hope. For many dads, a separation is initially dominated by loss of children and the family home. So, the initial experience of being pulled toward the darkness is common. When the separating process becomes chaotic through parenting loss, hope is difficult to imagine.

‘Stepfamilies, foster families are all as real as the traditional family.’
– Barbara Coloroso: Parenting Through Crisis

The concept of being a ‘legitimate family’ in a separation is almost always with the parent with majority parenting time (usually mothers). There are so many forces – legal system, family law, social service bias and even family and couple friends- who see you living without the children most of the time. The family as they knew it resides elsewhere. It feels like failure, too.

To be heard by the different bodies above requires patience, civility, relentlessness, resiliency and commitment to be a parent… through whatever.

In My New, Complicated Family Turns 20, many of you in blended, second, reconstituted, subsequent, etc. families found something to take away for your own journey together. I have also included an amazing essay by one of our stepmothers about their incomprehensible, but too common journey. Please read: My New Family Matters Too!

Another 5 years has passed and our 25th anniversary is a milestone to be celebrated. Elaine and I have reflected on the early chaos and the naiveté that love and caring for each other won the day. While they are essential ingredients, they did not provide the certainty of an enduring intimate relationship or the successful creation of a complicated, new family with children.

‘But in the remarried family, the stepparent-child relationship begins much later. It’s rooted not in the child’s birth but in the early days of the second marriage, which means it begins differently and runs a separate course… It’s a relationship that starts midstream, it’s more challenging for both of you. And it’s a triumph for everyone in the family when you, the stepparent, become a really important person in your stepchild’s inner world.’
– Judith Wallerstein: What About The Kids

The ‘triumph’ never seems to be complete; but that I believe is the consequence of the obstacles that were so formidable during the early weeks, months and even years. One is often reminded of those early days at special occasions for children/stepchildren as they pass through different stages of their lives. There will be hurtful moments, hopefully unintentional, in each relationship as they build toward understanding, respect and trust.

New, complicated families are about acknowledging everyone’s past; but not being stuck’ by the past. Every new couple must take control of their own destiny and their future.

To that end I did a miserable job …for some time. I have lapses even decades later. Elaine made sacrifices and choices, waiting for me to recognize my errors. There are times, when a separated dad with children, has little room except for the fear that they are losing their child… perhaps forever. That continuing fear is perhaps the greatest threat to new relationships with children.

Our 25th anniversary is about honouring Elaine for sacrifices too often undervalued or even loss to the chaos that destroys so many loving, new families. It is for being a partner in building and rebuilding relationships with each of my children. It is for becoming a co-grandparent to now 6 grandchildren who fill our lives with love, joy and good chaos. It is for honouring me with her love and support as a person as well as a life partner. It is for pulling back when I was blinded by the past.

Thank you for finding my hand through it all; and allowing me to find your hand… always.

25 years ago, the children barely knew you. They were wounded by the chaos and struggles of life at that time. You built a loving and caring relationship with each, day by day, so that they care and respect you for what you have brought to their lives. Most of all, they recognize your gifts of love and support to their wounded dad.

Hope began 25 years ago and is found in every family relationship that now includes 6 grandchildren.

Reflections on Remembrance Day, 2019

On November 11, 2018April 23, 2026 By BarryIn Grandparent, Holidays

Thank you to the children and teachers of Smithson Junior Public School for a Remembrance Day to cherish.

Don Cherry’s ‘you people’ rant on Hockey Night in Canada unfortunately diverted attention from the growing support for our military, past and present.

I was a fortunate child and grandchild, for my gramps and dad survived war zone service in WW1 and World War11, respectively, and as such were integral to who I am today. Remembrance Day, for this writer, is always a melancholy journey, a mixture of gratefulness, pride and family renewal to be the best of them, in my own imperfect way.

They rarely recounted stories of their military service and the horrors of Gallipoli or the fears and uncertainty from the almost daily, nighttime bombings of Great Britain. Upon their return, they took up day to day living, often in occupations that were taken out of necessity, in order to provide opportunity for their families.

Peace fought for and won with great cost would hopefully quiet their troubled memories of loss and personal trauma.

It was with these thoughts and seventy-five years of life behind me (thanks to my father’s survival) that I entered Smithson School at 10:15 on November 11^th to be in the company of my seven year old granddaughter, Mollie. She was unaware that I was coming and as she looked about she spotted this grandpa and her face lit up with a smile almost too big for her face. I was reminded of my good fortune, luck, and fate to be in this place, at this time.

I remembered my veteran dad and grandfather; and all the veterans who suffered losses for their family and unknown families from faraway places.

As the young children entered the assembly, parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren found each other in a similar fashion to Mollie. Some parents jumped to their feet and waved until I feared they would injure themselves. Almost in every case the children were more reserved because the Smithson teachers had prepared them for the solemnness of the ceremony.

I took in the scene-never completely turning my eyes from my granddaughter, in case she flashed her now toothless smile that melts my heart. I was again aware of the diversity, in every possible way, of the Smithson School community, and the blessing for parents and grandparents to have our children being raised in an environment of acceptance, tolerance, generosity and caring.

There were no ‘you people’ in this gathering!

The formal program recognized and honoured loss, lessons were provided, and a hopeful, future path was offered to our children, grandchildren and the audience through readings, poems, songs and a children’s story. All done in a respectful, thoughtful and age appropriate way.

The Last Post was powerfully done by a Smithson teacher. Our children then exited calmly and quietly. Parents and grandparents behaved appropriately (not a certainty) following the Last Post and avoided the not so subtle ‘look’ or raising of a hand (quiet …please) by a Smithson teacher.

As I reflected on the occasion, I believe that I had witnessed in this small, urban school the best of the Canadian ideal. The Canadian experience has been and perhaps always be an imperfect journey; but these 45 minutes left me more hopeful for the future than when I entered.

I could hear my grandpa and dad by my side saying thank you Smithson community: ‘YOU DID YOURSELVES PROUD! ‘

Kids n Dad Shared Support has made it through our 12th year

On December 6, 2017May 6, 2026 By BarryIn Holidays

A holiday message from December 2017

The move to our new location brought about significant downsizing and in doing so a 12-year journey down memory lane. Time and energy are no longer on my side, but I continue to have the passion to help children, parents and grandparents. I am now taking it year by year in the way that I try to bring about change to a system that lacks imagination in the way it supports separating families.

In the past year a local Family Court Justice described the social service system as broken. He could have included the judicial system as well. The ‘strange’ aspect of this headline in the Record was that no letter from the social services rebuked his stark description and his comments were left standing. We are left with two options- agreement with his perspective or indifference from the silence of the social service and legal communities. The Justice went even further to suggest that the system is only going to get worse.

I offer these two stories from our community to set up an essay written in October by one of our dads. Please take the time to read it through to the end and think about the consequences of a failing judicial and social service system as described by a local justice that drew zero public rebuke.

This essay was written by a dad who has been part of the Kids n Dad Shared Support family for almost 10 years: Letter to God from a proud father

A Personal Story:

In early October Elaine and I went to Banff for a conference that she was attending. Like my nostalgic journey from the Kids ‘n’ Dads move, the lead up to and the actual trip to Banff had a similar outcome. I was eleven years of age when I was last in Banff. The trip was the third successive, mega family holiday that my parents took us on before building a cottage on crown land. The first was to the Maritimes, the second to California and the third to western Canada. Limited vacation time demanded a driving schedule of 500 miles per day (no kms in those days) on indifferent two-lane highways. Washroom breaks only could be countenanced when the car required such.

My grandfather joined us on these family journeys and on the last trip to Western Canada my severely, mentally ill grandmother accompanied us. The hope being that a trip that saw us visit long, lost siblings would bring her some happiness and improvement. We were a 1950’s version of the first Grunewald’s summer vacation.

My father/ grandfather purchased a new, two tone Oldsmobile for the trip- every car was downhill for my dad after that. He died in the mid 1990’s driving a Kcar with only an AM radio.

My father purchased the newest movie camera to document our journey in 3-minute reels. The last minute was usually of his eyes as he fumbled his way to change the film. It became his trademark. He gave me his mechanical gift of ‘fumbling’.

The trip jarred me into remembering all the gifts of my parents that I underappreciated and undervalued forever (until now); yet in significant and small ways they became part of my parenting DNA. We teach our children even when we are just living life. We teach them even more in the way we handle life’s inevitable struggles. Occasionally our efforts are recognized, but more often they just become part of the journey- without an asterisk.

My childhood trips and the magnificence of my parents’ efforts to provide enrichment and imagination to their two sons’ lives became part of my return trip to Banff almost 60+ years later. On this trip I spent several hours by the Banff Springs Golf Club watching the extraordinary elk on the beautiful fairways with the magnificent mountains in the background. Time stood still as I journeyed my way through childhood to adulthood to parenthood to grandparenthood, with each stage of life connected by bonds of love and caring that give life purpose and meaning.

Below are parenting tips offered as ways to make it through the season.

Holiday parenting tips

The following are guidelines for newly separating or changed families during this joyous but often difficult season.

Guard against any erratic behavior by yourself or your former partner. Your children need to be children- not spectators or referees.

Make sure that a parenting plan for the holidays is understood and followed. Few separated parents can negotiate on the fly. Given the preceding, try to be flexible at a time when spontaneity and children go together.

Reach out to friends or relatives and ask for their support. Many of us find ‘reaching out’ to be difficult. Be honest about what you need from your family and friends and don’t be afraid to ask for their support.

Focus on making your time with your children the best possible. Depending on the time and place of your family in the separation process, many children of all ages (toddlers to adults) are going to be struggling with two Christmas homes, divided families and loyalty tug-of- wars. It is a time to build a new normalcy and calm for everyone.

Don’t spend more than you can afford. Older children know your reality- younger children enjoy simpler things. Partner up with other family members for larger purchases.

Children from blended families notice disparity in gifts. Try to balance whenever possible.

Blended families may have to deal with disparity because the other parent has different means available to them i.e. no other children to buy for. While this is just life and difficult to control, parents need to be sensitive to the problem and try to work it through with the child if necessary.

Children are not the sole possessions of one parent or one side of the child’s extended family. A parent can be the best parenting model through their generosity of spirit.

If you have a new partner and family, enjoy and appreciate their gifts of love, support and family. Blend old and new Christmas traditions.

Send your children to the other parent’s Christmas celebration with your love!

Oh, For the Gift Again of a Little Summer Adventure on Father’s/Grandfather’s Day!

On June 25, 2017April 23, 2026 By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

It was Monday morning and I had decided to go to our office early. At mid-morning I spoke by phone to my daughter who informed me that she was going to take her youngest children to her mother’s cottage. She wondered if I wanted to see the two boys, then 18 months and nearly three, before they departed.

The oldest child upon my arrival moved quickly to get his sandals in anticipation of an adventure. The youngest was quietly observing his brother; soon his tears demanded that he be included in the outing. He did not need to worry!

Our little adventure was to return to what I have designated as our Park; a place for this writer of so many fond memories as a father and grandfather. Today my adult kids are more likely to fire off a gentle, verbal dig by reminding their dad of their childhood pleas: “We are too old for the swings and those animals have had better days”.

The words ‘better days’ hurt the most as I reflected that like the park’s black bear of olden days, I too have seen better days.

As I set out, I realized that I am a fortunate grandpa to have a new, eager, ‘more grateful generation’ of children to mould to the joys of our family Park. So off we went with the oldest grandson identifying every farm and construction vehicle ever built by John Deere and Caterpillar. His little brother squealed and hummed to a selection of Itsy, Bitsy Spider.

We soon arrived at our destination and the ducks surrounded our car, impatiently awaiting grandpa’s liberation of their young friends from the shackles of car seats.

It was a beautiful morning, perfect temperature, and our Park was alive, as a gentle breeze spread the joyful and boisterous sounds of children, parents and grandparents creating new memories.

My oldest grandchild scurried down the winding path toward the peacocks and their rooster friends. He found them sunning themselves and preparing to entertain their little admirers. But for us this is a momentary stop along the way to our primary target, feeding the deer and the llama. What the heck is the plural for llama anyway? My oldest grandson knew the routine well. He tore at the longer strands of grass and carefully positioned each so the llama (?) that he calls camels would be satisfied.

The feeding exercise is always a little unnerving, even for an experienced grandpa. My daughter- for an unintended outcome- could revoke my day pass with the little ones i.e., animal teeth marks on my grandson’s feeding hand would likely lead to a cancellation of future outings.

Mothers can be terribly protective!

These outings have a certain rhythm. Our yellow brick path always includes visiting our different friends- the miniature horses, goats and of course the fishpond. The return of the piglets this day provided an additional, scented delight as our path soon turned in front of the well-stocked, mini pond and waterfall.

Soon it was time to retrace our steps with warm farewells to each of our animal friends. I was in particularly good spirits because we had escaped a reprimand from the young park staff for feeding the llama/camels. In the past if the staff catches us, I always point at my young companion with the grass/feed in his hand as the culprit. They are rarely persuaded though and are intent on holding the gray-haired kid responsible. I suspect they figured out that I am the only kid old enough to read the posted signs.

DON’T FEED THE LLAMA

sometimes known as CAMELS.

To celebrate a joyful outing, I decided that ice cream was a necessary reward. We soon became three spoons competing selfishly for more than our share of a giant mound of vanilla ice cream. Finding the target for each spoonful seemed less important to the combatants than securing the biggest payload. Soon the giant mound was reduced to a few melted drops to be licked from the container. I leave the rest to your imagination.

It was time for the short trip home. As I secured the little ones into their seats, I remembered being so grateful for such a joyful experience, a gift that was not a certainty in our family’s life.

I was reminded of that truth as I initiated our departure toward our Park’s ring road. Passing in front of me were two, old friends. They are wonderful and loving parents and grandparents; yet they were pushed aside- made invisible grandparents by the family, separating process in this country.

The riches of my day embarrassed me at that moment.

As we approached the children’s home, I remembered wavering on whether to reveal that illegal, pre-lunch, celebratory ice cream thing to my daughter. I realized that secrecy was unavailable when I spotted grandpa’s post ice cream cleanup had failed miserably.

The children ran to their mom’s open arms with wide smiles and evidence on their jerseys of their outing with grandpa. I knew from my daughter’s half smile that she was recalling her childhood outings many years earlier to our same family Park …and that vanilla ice cream was occasionally… well o.k. always dad’s way to conclude a wonderful adventure.

Father’s Day is about celebrating a dad’s love for their child and their child’s child which endures forever in every family form. That love should be cherished and valued every day. That is the only gift desired by the dads who have been inspirational in my life.

Have a joyful Father’s Day!

On Being a Dad and Grandpa: Father’s Day 2016

On June 16, 2016May 7, 2026 By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Holidays

Becoming a dad is transformational. It changes everything. It gives a purpose, a new priority to life that had been previously absent. Fathers recall the moment when they became dad and the love and commitment made at that time to their child. Becoming a ‘separating’ dad also seemed to change everything in unexpected ways and threatened and risked every parenting relationship.

Recently a distraught father spoke to me about the emotional birth of his child. His eyes misted over as he talked about the infant’s serious health concerns and the oath/promise he made that first night to be at the child’s side, forever. He has kept his promise! He fears that like many separating dads he will be unable to navigate through the marital breakdown and keep his solemn commitment. He doesn’t understand a process that seems determined to reduce his parental role and tear away at the best of who he is.

A father from our community wrote the following words that capture what many separating dads “grudgingly accept” in order to restore calm to their children’s lives.

His words: “…it’s the days you wake up with the kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with dad. I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” (a separated dad)

I became a father in my own unique way through the courageous decision of a young woman to place her child up for adoption. I vividly recall the social worker placing him in my arms. Ten minutes later, she returned to ask if my wife and I wanted to keep him. I still laugh at the question—she didn’t seem to understand that he became my son, through whatever, the moment she placed him in my arms.

I remember that the adoption process was a time of anxiety, scrutiny and fear. Would we make the list of approved parents? Power rested in the perspective of the social worker and her mandate to ensure the best interests of that child. It was a difficult process, but one that you necessarily endured. Pushing back against the intrusiveness and judgment was not a viable option. My son and later my daughter had not yet been placed in my arms.

Curiously, the birth of my youngest daughter had no such intrusiveness or scrutiny as she was placed in my arms by a caring nurse in the birthing room.

The next years, no one questioned whether I was a full parenting partner or quite frankly whether I was the best of parents or the worst of parents or somewhere in between. I was dad!

The common bond of separated fathers commences the moment that the intimate relationship breaks down. It brings with it in some ways the scrutiny of the social worker EXCEPT that the children are your children NOT the children of social workers or lawyers, judges or the Canadian Bar Association. A separation with lawyers too often is a process built for finding differences, not for ensuring that children have both parents and grandparents in their daily lives. A separation with children is a long crooked path that requires ongoing support to meet the challenges of change. An initial, adversarial process is the wrong path to long-term cooperation.

My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.
Jennifer Fink: A Wisconsin mother of four boys

This insight comes from a Wisconsin mother who originally fought a determined battle in Court in an attempt to minimize any participation by the dad in her boys’ lives. The Wisconsin family court justice ‘insisted’ that Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting applied. The boys would have their father as an ‘integral’ part of their lives forever.

Think about Ms. Fink’s wonderful adjective ‘integral’ to describe the parenting relationship for each parent now. A definition for ‘integral’: necessary to the completeness of the whole. Imagine a community where ‘the completeness of the whole’ (our child) is the foundation for supporting separating/separated families in our community.

Canada’s Parliament rejected (2015) the Wisconsin’s presumption of shared parenting strategy intended to accomplish the ‘completeness of the whole’.

Shortly before starting our little agency (2005) I met a teenage boy age 14. His parents had separated several years earlier. The son had written a note to his parents for Mother’s Day/Father’s Day acknowledging and thanking them for ensuring that he had both of them in his life and as such an ‘almost normal upbringing’. In doing so he realized that through their cooperation he was able to learn who he was- an impossibility if either parent had faded away or vanished from his life. He recognized the gifts of character that were part of him-his mother’s sense of humour and joyfulness, his father’s gentleness and generosity.

These parents remembered the oath they made together to their son some 14 years earlier. They knew that both of them and their extended families were necessary to the completeness of their son. It remains an ongoing journey …for a lifetime.

Acknowledging and supporting each parent’s contribution to the child’s ‘completeness’ provides the opportunity for a family to build ‘integral’ parenting relationships that endure forever. It is my belief that our community has an obligation to develop strategies that best ensure the completeness of the whole. I have yet to hear any leader-legal, counselling, social worker or funder in our community give a public voice to such a mission. Silence is a strategy that effectively maintains a broken and destructive system.

A year ago at sunset I was on beach on the Gulf of Mexico with my 3 year old granddaughter. We were accompanied by probably 300 mothers, fathers and grandparents all quietly standing in awe of this shared, family experience. As the sun set everyone broke into applause as one. My father and gramps were with me in spirit, hand in hand, with the little one. They were an integral part of the completeness of my whole and thus of my children and grandchildren.

It was a spiritual connection of three generations at that moment and a connection that must be cherished and nurtured by all.

My heart goes out to those of you facing the pain of interrupted parenting or worse. I faced such with each of my children at different times in the early years of the separation. That I am an integral part of each of their lives (and now six grandchildren) was more than uncertain at one time. You must find the supports to survive the despair and to find your way to a calmer place. I always believed (hoped) that the relationship that I had with each child during the intact years would sustain our relationship through the dark times…and in the end it did.

A child changes each man’s identity forever. In the past decade I have been so fortunate to have met so many courageous, creative, unique, gentle, compassionate, caring, generous, resilient and involved fathers, mothers, stepmothers and grandparents. I am a better person for knowing you. More importantly your gifts of character to your children – already given-are part of your child’s growth on their journey to ‘completeness of the whole’-with more still to come. Each of us must be prepared for new opportunities. They can occur at the most unpredictable of times.

Kyle Lowry perhaps captured best the gift of fatherhood in a Toronto Sun interview:

But …fatherhood that changed everything. He’s done more for me than I’ve done for him… He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball…

Please take care.

A father’s love is forever, through whatever

On July 3, 2015May 7, 2026 By BarryIn Alienation, Fathers, Holidays

This article originally appeared in The Waterloo Region Record on July 2, 2015.

The Record’s Father’s Day weekend edition — specifically the June 20 story “More men go for parenting advice” — was disappointing and troubling for the implications about the importance of the role of fathers in the life of their family.

Taking a parenting course is admirable and enriching, but dads everywhere — even those who don’t take such a course — are doing the parenting role every day in different ways.

Sometimes it is done by driving a truck five days a week, beginning at 6 a.m., to provide for the family; it is done by coaching every sport imaginable; it is done by reading to or with their children after a long work day; it is done by warm hugs and encouraging words, and it is done through love and support in countless ways.

The Record’s almost non-existent approach to Father’s Day reminds me of Amos’ lament and resignation in the song “Mister Cellophane,” from the musical “Chicago”: “Cause you can look right through me. Walk right by me, and never know I was there.”

The research on the importance of fathers is vital for the doubters about a father’s role in positive outcomes for children. The doubters are not, however, dads. We knew our importance from the moment our child was placed in our arms: namely, to love our daughters and sons forever, through whatever.

There are no conditions on that love and support, and no course required.

The same research cited in the Record article reveals what every father knows: Becoming a father, being a dad, was and is the transformational event in their lives

In an interview with the Toronto Sun this past winter, Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry captured eloquently this common truth about fatherhood:

” ‘But … fatherhood, that changed everything. He’s (his three-year-old son Carter) done more for me than I’ve done for him. He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball …’ “

The headline on The Record’s article on parenting advice gives the sense that being a dad is provisional, something that can be minimized by whether one stepped up and took a course. Fathering is under attack in subtle, and not so subtle ways.

I am reminded of a 2012 Record story about a Kitchener father who was arrested at his child’s elementary school, moved to a holding cell and strip-searched. His children and wife were separately interrogated by Family and Children’s Services.

The reason for all this? His four-year-old daughter drew a picture in class of her father and her shooting imaginary dragons with a toy gun.

Every professional involved preferred (or chose) the negative image of Sansone. No apology was forthcoming because all the protocols were followed. Sansone, in an interview later, posed an interesting question that professionals were unable or unwilling to answer: “How do you tell a criminal from a father?”

At 71, I know I am an imperfect father and grandfather. I also understand the most significant and enduring gift that I received from my father, and he from his father, was at the end of the day a simple one, namely that a father’s love is forever, through whatever.

It is worth celebrating. It is worth strengthening. The magic is that it endures forever — from child to dad to grandpa.

As Kyle Lowry said, “But … fatherhood, that changed everything.”

Fortunately, families everywhere celebrate that reality one family at a time.

My Complicated Family Turns 20: December 2013

On December 4, 2013April 30, 2026 By BarryIn After Separation, Holidays

Barry and family at the holidays

‘For me, as the woman and new wife behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to fight this battle. I love my husband and my son loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay; but I’m very tired…almost all the time.’
– Excerpt from My Family Matters…Too! written by a subsequent partner, mother and stepmother

Twenty years ago (Dec. 4, 1993) I took the marital plunge for the second time. It was the first marriage for my wife.

About a month ago I turned to my wife as we were appropriately watching an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ and blurted out: “You realize this anniversary is a small miracle”.

She was silent for a moment and replied: “ A small miracle?”

She was correct. I used to cry a lot. I could often be found rocking in my only real piece of furniture (no legs missing), facing inward toward the wall. I was a mess, a poor risk.

This past year I met many new couples struggling to build an enduring relationship following a dad’s separation.

The underlying fear (may last forever) for a separated dad is that their relationship with their children is at risk. The fear only recedes during their weekend or midweek parenting. The children’s return to mom’s house brings an eerie silence to his place. Silence has become his enemy!

It is the difficult task of a non-custodial parent to reconcile and accept the parenting inequity. They have to learn to deal with the pain…for their child’s sake… for their own sake …and for the sake of any new relationship.

The challenge to a serious, intimate relationship is managing these intertwined relationships: namely, to maintain/rebuild the dad-child relationship and to build a loving, enduring, new partnership through the chaos and unpredictability.

The shame is that many loving relationships are unable to navigate safe passage.

Many dads almost immediately stumble into being a non-custodial (part-time) parent. A legal system that takes pride in so called ‘no fault’ divorce makes judgments and choices about parenting. A father intent on securing calm for his children is often left on the outside, his face pressed against the window to his children’s lives.

In the non-custodial parent’s life, holidays and birthdays with children are rarely celebrated on the actual date. Information (school, medical) on his children often is delivered second hand, weeks late or not at all. A non-custodial parent may feel like an intruder in their children’s school, even in their lives.

New partners face the same challenging complications of unpredictability only with an additional layer of angst- their views on parenting and what they need as a couple are often treated as less important, less relevant by a dad dealing with the heightened risk of parenting loss.

‘You are important, you are a parent, you still have a family.’
– Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House

The Christmas season was/is a reflection of our family’s 22+-year journey through the chaos and madness to our family’s version of calm. I offer this as a tribute to my wife and the other new life partners who have helped dads find love, companionship and calm through the madness.

During my first Christmas outside the matrimonial home I agreed to return for gift opening and Christmas dinner (including my extended family). A reasonable thing to do? The reality was that it was about pretending that nothing had changed when everything had changed. It had costs for everyone.

The second Christmas was to be about a lesson learned. I would only open gifts with the children in the matrimonial home. No Christmas dinner. That meant my first Christmas dinner since forever without my children. My parents added another complication with their arrival for gifts and dinner. By that evening my thoughts kept repeating: ‘my children, my matrimonial home, my parents, and where am I again?’ Feelings of loneliness, despair and betrayal overcame me. The rocking chair became my home!

In some ways Christmas also mirrored life during our courtship. There were occasions when dating paused with no guarantees of a restart. I thought that my responsibility was to fix (end) everyone’s pain. My wife laughs now at my use of the term courtship and asks, “Did I miss it? When was it?”

My wife’s gifts during the ‘courtship’ stage were life changing!

Her faith and constant reassurance that I was a caring man and a loving father came at a time when I questioned everything about myself. She was my partner to recovery.

By Christmas #3 we were married (just three weeks earlier). What should have been a joyful moving-on Christmas was flat and empty. My father had a stroke two months earlier and he never recovered. The chaos of the post-separation had left our family wounded and now claimed my father as a victim.

Christmas #4 and #5 were to be our coming out party. We would have a family brunch – a Lillie tradition. We fretted that no one would show up. I insisted that everything should be the way (actually identical) the children were used to. We couldn’t risk doing something different. I can only wonder now why my wife didn’t sit me on my rocking chair with the following order: “Don’t move until you see the error of your ways.”

Recognizing my error was incredibly important. New traditions enrich your children’s lives. It was also about my acknowledging my wife’s grace, style, humour, intelligence, wisdom, etc. to my children. Just as she displayed her faith in the wounded me, it was my time to demonstrate my faith in her.

Over the years there have been even more difficult occasions when she called me out for my failure to find the balance between a dad’s ‘original fear’ (the one that never leaves) and making our relationship all it should be. Each occasion was a reminder that the journey is now our shared journey and the risks are now our shared risks.

As I look back, I realize that my children came to respect her for what she gave to me and her unique, valued contribution to their lives. They understand now as adults the difficulty of her journey and the sacrifices she made along the way. Their acknowledgment of such was an important step for her and me,

Our family will now gather for our umpteenth Xmas brunch in our no-longer-large-enough condo (with all the children and grandchildren) and all the trappings and beauty brought to our home by my wife. I will likely cry – a tradition. They will be tears of joy for our family’s miracle; and tears shed for those of you still on the uncertain path to your own complicated family.

The family home that I was at a loss to build during the early separation became dad’s house 20 years ago on December 4^th,1993. I soon realized that ‘we might have something pretty good here’ when my children referred to our place as ‘dad and Elaine’s home’.

A miracle?

A few weeks ago, as we left the theatre on a cold, dreary evening. My arm dropped by my side and her hand instinctively found mine. My thought was that the ‘miracle or not’ was revealed in that act – that we were able to find each other’s hand in the best of times, but even more importantly during the inevitable chaos and adversity.

My Christmas and New Year’s hope is that everyone who is part of the Kids ‘n’ Dad extended family may find their way to build a dad’s home and even more.

Parenting: Holidays, special occasions, etc. and Parenting Plans

On March 29, 2009May 3, 2026 By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Holidays

Barry’s general reflections on holidays and parenting plans

‘Special days’ are often a source of sorrow, loss and grief for one or both parents, children and extended families following a family separation.
Special days make clear that the family is now separated, and things are no longer the same, even in separations that are relatively friendly.
These days may be in stark contrast to being family friendly to days that are tense even dreaded.
Consider ‘special days’ for parents: birthdays, anniversaries, school graduations, commencements and weddings, religious ceremonies, other life events.
Children may live in fear of something or someone triggering an emotional event.
Consider all the statutory holidays that are associated with family gatherings and celebrations.
Family vacations, Christmas holidays, March break, and summer school holidays for children.
The Resource Hub incudes PA days for our children for they often create the opportunity for parenting long weekends.
Resource Hub also includes school trips where parents may accompany and supervise their own child and other students.
Consider the never-ending opportunity/demand on children now with 2 families and re: new stepparents and families (see blended family section).
An effective Parenting Plan (PP) must accommodate all of these ‘happenings’ and dole out fairness and opportunities in an equitable way… or NOT.
The NOT outcome often leads to conflict, hurt feeling, anger, sadness and sense of abandonment. Even with an objective fairness standard in place, the above set of emotional outcomes may still occur and to be truthful are likely to occur.
Children often feel that their life is meeting the adult requirements of access. Again, read or reread the resource ‘After my parents divorced…,’

Solutions/Ideas or help!

Returning to a ‘normal’ family life without constant chaos must be our sooner than later goal. So mixed in with parenting equity, extended family opportunities and children’s needs is the goal of calm over chaos.
Any joint PP requires a fair, consistent formula to be included in the eventual PP to settle on-going disputes. Change is inevitable and in a two-family home it almost always has more complications.
Separating parents and a support professional can work out a schedule- the schedule can be your family’s version of fairness and what works for you on celebrating a child’s birthday, or a parent’s birthday or a nanna’s birthday or a poppa’s birthday.
Schedules can be explicit in order to accommodate almost everything or be simple and just go by the calendar dates and hope that equals fairness… most/some of the time (luck of the draw).
Parents often go by even/odd years for varying important holidays such as Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
Some families are big on Christmas Eve and less so on Christmas dinner. Birthdays on the actual day may have importance or not be as important.
Battling over something that is less important for you is a dangerous strategy. It occurs when one parent feels they are not being met half-way by the other parent. Flexibility and compromise to find win-win outcomes is a better approach. It is not easy, but the more often done the easier it becomes. Remember the move from chaos to calm goal.
In all of this it is important that these special occasions are about building inclusive family relationships in a dad’s home and a mom’s home. This is not easy; but these special occasions offer the opportunity for special times provided a child is not caught in a battle between parents and extended families.
How this works out- calm or chaos-depends on the commitment of the parents and their belief that their child needs and deserves every opportunity to have a flourishing relationship with all the essential, supportive family relationships?
See the Parenting Plans in different sections designed for accomplishing a Mom’s Home and a Dad’s Home.

Blended families

Families have traditions, so where possible, one should try to accommodate these family traditions.
Christmas was a tradition in my family life- opening of gifts, grandparents, brother’s family, dinner, type of tree, etc. These were a few ‘demands’ that I made of my new partner on our first family Christmas with my children. It worked out, sort of; but my wife was pressured to accommodate to my previous life traditions i.e. not her traditions.
The kind of Xmas tree was very important, I thought. I insisted and my wife reluctantly agreed on my children’s family of origin Xmas tree.
When my children had families and their own Christmas tree ‘tradition to begin’- not one of the three chose the so called ‘traditional, family Christmas tree.
I learned over time, that new traditions are more than OK. What seems incredibly important are often not nearly as important in the long run.
Blended families at Christmas and birthdays, etc., may suffer from children doing a comparison of gifts. Children from blended families are often in a measuring faze of costs.
For blended families, this can be a constant source of conflict in many areas of life.
In blended families, where a step-child is in the home less than other children, their sense of belonging is often affected by their perceived sense of being lesser than; or other children in the home full-time may believe the parents are buying the other child off. To the children it can be viewed as who is loved the most.
It is important to find ways to communicate your love and their gift of being with you as a blessing in your life. For all the difficulties that life throws at you and your child, they must know that you value, care and love them… through whatever.
There is a wonderful little film called Eighth Grade (2018). It is an understated film about a dad and his about to graduate 8^th grade daughter. There is a moving scene near the end of the film that captures the daughter’s perception of her life and how she believes dad feels about her. He then explains to her his realty. It is a magical moment where a parent pushes away life getting in the way and focuses on what really matters.
It is more than worth seeing/ hearing again and again. It was magic to this separated parent.

A separated parent rarely seeing their child or severely interrupted parenting

These situations unfortunately occur too often – especially between a dad and child. We recommend maintaining contact for birthdays and other special occasions. This may require emotional strength, so I understand this may not be possible for everyone. I would include in a card an enquiry about what they are doing and an update on your life. If you feel like you wish to continue to give them a gift I would do so. The tragedy for the child is the damage caused by feeling abandoned. Remember their sense of what resulted in the separateness may not be reality.

You can’t be obsessive, but you can consistently deliver the only message perhaps available- that they are always a part of your thoughts and life.

Kids 'n' Dad

Tag: Holidays