This post is part two of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts: book overview and Telling the Children for more.

The book by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

This summary article focuses in particular on divorce and child development from infancy to young adulthood.

Zero to Three

• Most couples report that pregnancy is some of the happiest times of the marriage.
• The arrival of the baby can act as a rival that can threaten the marriage.
• The husband can feel hurt and angry if the wife spends more time and energy on the baby and ignores the husband.
• The baby needs to establish confidence in the world around them and feel safe and secure.
• Babies are sensitive to conflicts and tensions around them.
• If a baby witnesses anger they will cry and shows signs of distress.
• They may reject being fed or refuse going to sleep.
• Postpartum depression is also a serious concern for the parents and they should seek professional advice if it occurs.
• If the baby is restless, colicky or does not respond well to be comforted then the impacts of the divorce/troubled marriage are more severe.
• There can be delays in the baby’s development.
• The atmosphere that parents create for the child is important. Safety and trust are key or otherwise the child may feel unsafe, unprotected or helpless.
• For the first few months it is important to be calm with yourself and around the baby.
• For the early months you should get to know and love your child. The child needs to know they can absolutely count on you.
• The parent- child bond needs time to grow
• The mother’s ability to provide a supply of milk to the baby also depends on her being relaxed.
• The father child relationship also needs support from the mother in the early months and years.
• If one parent moves out the primary carve-giver should explain to the child that they will be back soon.
• Babies are aware when a person they are used to seeing is gone.
• Play with the father is important- young children look forward to this playful roughhousing.
• Despite any difficulties between the parents they should both look to play an active role in the baby’s life.
• Sometimes it might be needed to get help from another relative such as your mother or an in-law.
• New caregivers should be eased in gradually into the child’s life.
• They should be familiar with your baby and the routine that is in place.
• A baby or toddler should not be put into daycare until at least a few months after the breakup. The child will need time to get used to the new setting.
• Pay close attention to the child’s temperament for changes that may indicate the struggle that they may be dealing with.
• Sometimes other obligations may need to be put on hold.
• The parents should do their best to support each other despite their differences.
• You should be loving and kind to your self. Remember and do those activities that provided relief for you in past stressful occasions. It is not a selfish step.

Three to Five

• Children at this age tend to think the adults in their life are in control of everything.
• A divorce can disturb the child’s sense of a secure world where all their needs are met.
• They may wonder what will happen to them, who will feed them and who will take care of them.
• Children at this age don’t comprehend how long a day or week is. When they don’t see someone for a week they think that person is gone for good.
• They also don’t understand the sudden moodiness or irritability in parents or why they are no longer available for the activities the child used to enjoy such as being tucked in at night.
• A child at this age wouldn’t understand that some disruptions in their routine may only be temporary.
• They may wonder if one parent can leave the other, can both parents leave me? This is one of their main worries at this time.
• The child can one day wake and suddenly one of the parents is gone. The child rarely knows about the divorce ahead of time. This is not uncommon especially if there is a triggering event. This can sometimes lead to long-term estrangement and alienation between a parent and child, especially if the child is 10+.
• It is important to reassure the child that both parents are still there for them.
• Younger children have few ways to comfort themselves and so they suffer more than older children.
• The child can cling to the primary caregiver and refuse to stay in the daycare.
• Their life at this time is high in anxiety.
• Young children can be likely to believe that they are the cause of the divorce.
• Children are not yet able to comprehend that two people can have differing opinions and personal differences.

Active Parenting Steps for this age group

• Children at this age are very responsive to comforting. Soothing words and hugs are helpful but not always enough.
• Children need more of their parent’s time because they are afraid they will be abandoned like the parents abandoned each other.
• One of the best things to do for the child is to keep all the same routines going from before the divorce.
• If the child is in day care, it might be helpful to spend a little more time with them at the beginning of the day before leaving from work.
• It is also important to be on time when picking them up.
• The parent should make an effort to stay at home most weeknights and spend time with the child.
• The child should be encouraged to play with you and other children.
• When you tuck in the child assure them you’ll be there in the morning to greet them.
• If the child is fretful or asks for you to spend more time with them, you should do it.
• Children like a routine and predictability. Let them know about something they can look forward to in the coming days.
• A child needs a parent who can relax their fears about being abandoned.
• It is okay to sleep with a child who is afraid of being alone or request it; but it should not be a regular routine. An important part of growing up is also learning independence and to separate from the parents at night.  If this continues for a prolonged period it will be very difficult for the child to fall asleep alone.
• Younger children do better if any changes are introduced slowly.
• Children who are resilient can handle multiple changes more easily- not many adults are resilient enough, nor are children at this age.
• If you cannot take time off work or reduce your working hours it is important to find someone else who can provide affectionate care such as an in- law or your parents. The person left in charge should share your same values about how to care for the child. Difficult separations unfortunately often add one set of grandparents to the loss of essential relationships to children.
• Sometimes older children may take on additional responsibilities.
• Sometimes you can come home once in a while unannounced to check in.

Parenting Plans

Their parenting style needs to be more hands on and active in this age range.

• The parents when creating an interim parenting plan and eventually a permanent plan need to consider carefully the child’s changing needs.
• For a separated dad this may require changes in their time commitment to their child at a time when finances may be an issue. In some ways there is a dilemma for fathers who are paying substantial child support and what is suggested that they should do as a parent.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

• It is a good idea to tell the child ahead of time about the separation.
• “We both love you and will continue taking care of you” is a reassuring phrase for the child to hear.
• Remember that abandonment is one of their main fears.
• When you put the child to bed at night remind them you are close by, such as in the other room.
• After you drop them off at daycare remind them you (or someone else) will be there to pick them up.
• The child may also need to be reassured that both parents are well taken care of too. If dad is not there anymore the child may wonder if he is okay.
• When travelling between the two homes treat the child with great tenderness and sensitivity.
• What is just a short trip for the parent may be very frightening journey for the child.
• It might be helpful to treat the transitions to the new home like the first day of school. Maybe point out the new landmarks on the way, like a church or store. This can make the journey less frightening.
• If they enjoy this activity you can teach them to count things along the way like houses, blocks or mail boxes. A counting game can build confidence and take their mind off their worries.
• Children are not just worried about leaving home but also returning.
• Reassure the child you will be there when they get back. A phrase like “have a wonderful time” can be helpful.
• It is good if the child knows what they will be doing with the other parent ahead of time.
• Marking days on a calendar so they know where they will be spending which day is helpful. At five years old number skills and a grasp of time are better developed.
• It is important to always repeat that you are there for the child and not going anywhere.

See our other resources on telling the children.

Six to Eight

• Children at this time are living in two worlds. One is at home with you and the other is at school with his friends.
• Now they begin to learn that games have rules and they can’t be changed.
• They are having their first encounter with the discipline of the classroom and demands of learning.
• They begin to understand more that mom and dad don’t control the world.
• They are now capable of amusing themselves and feeding themselves if the parent puts out the food.  They can also go to sleep on their own.
• If the divorce occurs at this time one of the biggest fears of the child is that his recent social advances may fail. Bedwetting and thumb sucking can reappear.  Regressing suddenly in many previously acquired skills/stages is not uncommon. Hopefully they will be short-lived through parental care over anger and criticism by either or both parents.
• In order for their development to continue they need to feel secure and that they have a family they can count in.
• They may feel angry and cranky and have difficulty focusing on school work.  It may also lead to violent behaviour and isolate them from other children at school.
• They may worry that when they arrive at home you won’t be there.
• If the dad is late to pick them up at an agreed time then they may think he will never arrive.
• If mom is late coming home then they may think that mom has disappeared.
• Whereas the fear in younger children might be “who will feed me” the fear now might be “where are my parents”.
• The main reactions to divorce at this age tend to show up in the classroom or playground.
• Their grades in school can suffer after a divorce and some children can lose up to a year.
• At this age reading is the primary task that children learn, and it is made more difficult.
• They may be afraid of one parent finding another family and that they will be replaced.
• At this age children will still blame themselves for the divorce.
• Children won’t make a connection between conflict and divorce.
• Most parents will assume that a child at seven years old will recognize that arguments mean there is trouble in the marriage, but this is not the case.
• The interim parenting plan almost always has one parent leaving the matrimonial home, even if the residence (home) is eventually sold. Most often it is the father unless the mother has left and taken the children to her parents’ home or to a temporary shelter.
• Contact with the dad should quickly be arranged to reassure them that dad has not left for another family.
• The father should set up a home where the child can visit and reside for parts of the week.
• The visit to the new home should occur within a week or so of the breakup.
• The child should be told as soon as possible about any new schedules of visitation.
• If problem behaviours occur at school, it is important to sit down with the teacher and tell them about the divorce. The parent and the teacher need to work out a plan together for the child.
• It is important to remember that the child is hurting and needs support. Patience and understanding are needed.
• When the child’s behaviour improves you should reward them and give them praise.
• The child needs to get back to their regular activities.
• Continuing their work in the classroom and making friends is important in their development.
• Sleepovers, birthday parties and other events with friends are important.
• Extracurricular activities are important to maintain as well.
• The child should know the phone number of both parents and how to reach them. The school should also know which parent to call in case of an accident or disruption in school.
• Children at this age still need a lot of care. The regular schedule should continue to be maintained and reassurance should continue to be given.
• Almost all the activities mentioned above are interrupted for the child in the early weeks and months as parents attempt to sort out even the basics of separated life with children.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

• Children still need to hear all the same things as younger children: the divorce is not their fault and both parents still love and care for them.
• They should also be encouraged with their school work and given help when needed.
• Children may also need advice about handling problems they may have with friends or at school.
• If the child is disruptive at school, they should be told that the behavior can’t be tolerated. Don’t let the child boss you around.
• Boys may become disruptive at home or acting like their father. If they begin to yell then they should firmly be told to stop.
• Children at this time have high anxiety so routines or appointments should not be changed abruptly.
• Supporting the child’s extracurricular activities and friendships should be a priority. For example, paying for lessons or buying sports equipment.
• Transportation is important for the events as well. If neither parent can drive them then perhaps ask another relative. If it is ultimately impossible then explain to the child how sorry you are and when things settle down you will try to make sure someone is available.
• Children at this age may feel like they can’t have any friends over because there are no adults in the house after school. It is important to find someone who can be there at least once a week to greet and supervise the child and their friends.
• The child needs encouragement from both parents to continue learning and enjoying new activities.
• Parents can understand a child’s reasonable reaction by thinking about their reaction to not having an in-house parenting partner and a life that in the early stages is so busy and complicated.

Nine and Ten

• Children at this age are in a new development stage. They are being drawn out further away from home and more into the world of their peers.
• They can think for themselves and keep it separate from what others believe. They have more independence and responsibility.
• They have also reached a skeptical stage where they may be critical of teachers and other adults. They expect adults to earn their respect.
• Children at this age can think better about the future and moral issues.
• They might get bored with the company of their parents and prefer to spend time with peers or other adults with specialized skills such as a coach.
• They can read other people’s mood more accurately.
• They begin to understand abstract concepts more and can understand their own behaviour and that of others.
• With a divorce they will be upset with the disruptions in their home life.
• They aren’t as concerned about who will take care of their physical needs as younger children.
• The child expects the parents to provide the foundation for their life. To help support them but more “behind the scenes”. The child likes to take the center stage.
• The divorce takes the attention away from the child.
• Children at this age are more competent and can sense that adolescence is coming up soon.
• While children may appear cool on the surface about the divorce, the anxiety levels are likely quite high.

Anger

As you read this section, be aware that you are entering the most ‘dangerous’ stage for parent-child estrangement or alienation. It is important to read the section on Alienation/Estrangement on parental behaviors that contribute to these tragic outcomes. Children are most vulnerable to a parent’s failings as they enter this and later stages.

• The child believes they are the center of the family.
• A key reaction to the divorce is anger.
• The anger can be directed to one parent or both. They are upset they are not the center of attention anymore.
• The child is afraid of losing the parents and the support they provide for the child’s development and growth.
• The child may enlist younger siblings and begin to criticize the parents more.
• They may begin to act more like the boss of the house.
• The anger can become a problem at school and result in behaviours such as truancy, petty theft, or siding with one parent over the other.
• The real goal is to force the parents to reverse the divorce.
• The anger is usually directed to whichever parent the child feels is most responsible for the divorce.
• The parent who gets attacked may not even be responsible for the divorce.
• A lifetime of loving care can change overnight from the child’s anger.
• They don’t understand the feeling and reasons that have led to the divorce.
• The child at this age can be good at playing one parent against the other in order to get what they want. This works even better when the parents are divorced since there is less contact between the parents.
• Each parent should make the rules in their own household.
• If the stories the child says about one parent are ignored they will often stop.
• The parents should not be drawn into the good guy, bad guy games the child might want to play.
• It can be hard to see the anger from your child and being told that you are selfish.

Compassion

• Even with the anger children at this age are worried about their parents.
• They are learning to read body language and can be fairly accurate.
• They may be eager to comfort you, hug you or sit beside you when you look like you are down.
• Morality is important at this age and children care about what is right and wrong.
• A growing child wants to respect his parents and see them as virtuous. When they see a parent doing something ‘wrong” it can cause them a great deal of suffering.
• If the parent is involved in infidelity for example the child will confront them on it.
• There is often considerable moral ambiguity for a child as well as parents who often send mixed and complicated messages i.e. I still love your mother (dad), but we can’t live together any longer.
• While the child is a part of an ongoing family they feel safe and comfortable. This is threatened by the divorce.

Possible Steps

• Clear rules against rude language, hitting and yelling should be insisted upon for both at school and at home.
• It is important for the child to feel that the parent is in control.
• Don’t become defensive and get caught in accusations.
• Children at this age can form their own thoughts. Saying something against you doesn’t mean they were coached by the other parent (ex).
• It is important to explain to the child that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. During the accusations it is possible you might lose your temper and yell at the child. That is okay but you should apologize afterwards and explain why it upset you.
• Try not to feel guilty as a result of the accusations.
• Time outs can sometimes help to deal with aggressive children.
• Other children can get more withdrawn instead. They may prefer to just watch TV alone.
• Some children may take a step back in development and they need serious attention if this happens. Professional help may sometimes be needed.
• If the child is withdrawn, ask if they are sad or worried and why. Get more details from them. Maybe somebody at school is the cause.  See if there is any way that you can help.
• Contacting the teacher to see how they are at school can be helpful.
• The school can have a list of experts who work with children or the pediatrician can be helpful as well.
• If you consider taking your child to someone, look at their training and experience first. See if you can arrange to talk with the person first and then decide if they are a good fit.
• Help should be sought out prior to the onset of adolescence if it is needed.
• Parents who continue to fight or talk negatively about the other parent can be subject to a child’s rejection. The chances are that the negative words don’t match up with the child’s reality. It takes constant verbal abuse (alienation) to emotionally reject their other parent.
• Parents need to treat each other with civility.
• You want the child to grow up and be moral and considerate in their relationships.
• Some parents forget the importance of being a role model after divorce.
• It is an important time to behave morally and sensibly.
• Moral authority is needed to help guide the child into adolescence.
• New love affairs are better kept discreet for the time being. Children at this age won’t have the frame of reference to understand or sympathize with you. In our section on ‘Blended families’ there is a discussion about dating and telling the children and the children’s other parent.
• If the ex has left and made no attempts to contact the children, it is important to comfort them and be honest with them.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

• Talk with your child about current and future plans that might include their friends or make plans with other families to go out and have fun.
• If the child engages in theft, take them back to the store right away to return the items.
• If the child is truant at school, make sure they know attending school is a non-negotiable expectation.
• Be clear and direct about what is expected in terms of behaviour.
• If the child is blaming one of the parents for the divorce, don’t try to explain how they are wrong or try to offer more details about the breakup. Sit the child down and tell them when things settle down you can explain more.
• Acknowledge any concern from your child or efforts to help. “It means a lot to me that you are concerned. You are a wonderful son/daughter and I love you”.
• Keep an eye on the child’s schedule and make sure they have enough time for play and friends.
• Cultivate a sense of ongoing family as soon as possible – that is the purpose of the resources shared in the Resource Hub.
• Set up recreational activities you can do together such as: camping, dining, bowling.
• Include your child’s friends when possible.
• The parents can each help the child on homework and assignments. The task can be divided up based on each parent’s strength.
• Set an example of courage, honesty and respect for your child. At this age they can keep you on your toes in being strong and maintain high ethical standards.
• Children at this age can tolerate being away from you for a day or two. After the first year it is okay to give yourself the occasional weekend off to relax and recharge.
• Don’t overreact to a child’s anger.
• Your job is to protect the child and keep them on course to adolescence.
• They need structure, kindness and rules. They need to understand the post divorce family is still strong and stable.

Eleven to Thirteen

• The reaction to divorce at this age can be anything and varied. The adolescent might be in full blown panic or show indifference. Either way they are likely to be surprised or taken aback by the news.
• They are capable of shielding their feelings from you and themselves.
• After twelve to twenty hours the initial panic tends to subside.
• Some children may have the impulse to run away.
• There is a lack of age-related symptoms in this group. The behaviours shown by children of this age can be more difficult to manage.
• Next to early childhood this is maybe the most hazardous time for a child to experience divorce.
• The most common reaction can be a rush into risky teenage behaviour.
• They may believe the divorce has lessened the rules and lifted constraints, so they may get involved in more risky behavior. This includes unprotected sex and drug use.
• There can also be a denial that there is any effect on them from the divorce. It is more common in children who do well in school where they get a lot of recognition.
• Some children indeed do seem unaffected and continue to move forward as usual. At a later time they may be willing to talk about it.
• If the child is doing well in school and does appear to be unaffected there is no need to force a conversation. Instead wait for them to come to you.
• If you can recapture your old feeling during adolescence you will have a better idea of what the child is feeling.
• There are differences in development between the genders. In general, both will experience hormonal changes, rising sexual urges and a need for more independence and separation.
• Risks seem to excite them, and their judgment is poor.
• Children need a strong stable family and good parenting.
• No matter how you announce it, divorce weakens the family.
• Two parents living separately is not a secure family.
• The parents might be focusing more on themselves and the divorce and less on the child. The child can feel alone and unprotected.
• Without the active guidance and strict limits from adults, adolescents can be more tempted into trouble behaviour by peers.
• There are all kinds of groups and cliques in the late grades and high school and the child will be tempted to join one of them.
• The child will find it difficult to talk to the parents about their anxiety since the parents are also dealing with their own issues.
• If the child feels like the world is collapsing, they are more likely to be drawn into troubling behaviour.
• Children from divorced families are more easily influenced than those from intact families.
• Girls in particular can have more mood fluctuations. Support from the parents is important and they need to hear what growing up is like, and the importance of self esteem. They need boundaries that will keep them safe.
• They need to hear from their father about what growing up was like and that there is more to becoming a man than just getting muscles.
• Again while these are standard observations for adolescents in an intact family as well, the evidence suggests that the risks are heightened for separating families. It also can lead to a parental blame game. In addition children in these early adolescent stages can become receptive to choosing the ‘other’ parent. There is an alternative out there for many.

Possible Steps

• Try to keep the home as safe as possible and keep routines as consistent as you can.
• Enforce the rules and teach them to look and listen instead of making quick judgments and acting on impulse.
• A general expectation should apply; namely, that the care parent specifically, and the other parent hopefully will know where the child is. But the same expectation is true for the adolescent child- they too know where their parents are and have access to reaching them. I believed strongly in that expectation in my intact family, in my co-parenting family and in my reconstituted family. Adolescents often need you and rarely are those times predictable or on your schedule. It is called choosing to be a parent.
• Coming home nightly to an empty house can terrify them.
• Without home supervision they can get into risky behaviours.
• Try to provide some structure at home.
• Too much freedom is not helpful to the child at this time.
• It might be possible to provide some kind of job for them such as babysitting.
• If the child works for you, you should pay a standard rate.
• Volunteer work in the community can also be helpful. It can help to build a sense of responsibility and compassion.
• Kids at this age can learn to do simple cooking, gardening and cleaning.
• A cell phone can be a good tool for children who don’t come straight home from school. It is important to know where the children are but not to ask too many details as they may feel you don’t trust them. When they check in thank them and let them know you appreciate it.
• If you are held up somewhere and will be late you should also let the child know. Extend the same courtesy you would expect from them and lead by example.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

• Although the child may pretend that they understand certain adult issues, at this time it is likely beyond their comprehension.
• If the child asks you about any new partners or affairs you shouldn’t lie to the child, but keep details to a minimum.
• It is important to have conversations with your child. Even if it feels they are not listening they can hear your message. You are showing that you do have interest in them.
• There are rules and you expect the child to follow the standard of behaviour you have layed out. It is easier to talk with your child if you have a closer relationship. Use humour if you can.
• Don’t withdraw even if they appear not to listen.
• It’s important to talk about moral issues but also be honest with your mistakes if they point them out.
• Moms can help daughters by being a loving sympathetic parent, not a buddy. Listen patiently as they tell you about any problems they may have.
• Dads can also have a close relationship with their sons. A boy at this age needs a parent to respect, not a pal.
• Both genders need parents who are not afraid to talk about moral values, love, friendships and loyalty.
• If the child finds out about an affair you had before the divorce they may confront you on it. It’s important to be honest about it.
• Your goal is that your child feels comfortable in asking questions and getting straight answers.
•  Both parents should discuss birth control and safe sex.
• Children need actual information on these issues and not just prohibitions from their parents.
• Children also need to be taught about drugs, smoking and alcohol.
• It is important to keep the children on track and make sure they grow up into moral and loving adults.
• Adolescence can be a perilous time for every child and even more so when the family is weakened by divorce.
• Keep communication open with your child. They should know you are ready to talk and listen if they have any problems.

See our post on separation and older children for more on development stages.