Article by Barry Lillie, published in The Record, April 2014 as Insight Essay.  (References to further articles removed)

Twenty three years ago this month, I embarked on the most unpredictable and life-changing journey of my life – a separation with children after nearly 25 years of marriage. 

I had every expectation that the separation would be cooperative.  My first day absent from the children and the family home soon found me in a desperate state.  My thoughts were dark.  The next day my oldest daughter (I have 3 children) chose to live with me outside of the family home.

Her choice was perhaps a lifesaving decision. 

Eventually it was time to take the “normal” next step and hire a lawyer to formalize what appeared to be taking place on the ground and so my long, close-up education re. the legal system formally commenced. 

In the past I had only hired a lawyer for two real estate transaction and a will.  In these instances, the lawyers were professional and competent.  I had every expectation (blind trust) that this would continue. 

Four family law lawyers and three years later I had a less favourable set of experiences. 

Lawyer #1 (an acquaintance – good guy) was disbarred for unrelated matters (to my case).  One day he was working; the next day he became a non-person and invisible. 

My file was turned over to lawyer #2 who seemed OK.  Our family situation had become more difficult and dangerous now and the need for competency was important.  Unfortunately this lawyer soon became my “hit and miss” lawyer – one that promises to do things but consistently fails to execute on their commitment.  Lawyer #2 (personal problems) also soon became a non-person and invisible. 

Lawyer #3 was discovered through a blind search of the Yellow Pages.  The lawyer in this case is what I would describe as the “killer” lawyer.  He played hardball and given my earlier experiences he made me fell good and poor all at once.  Of course, the difficulty with killer lawyers is that they bring out the killer lawyer opposite.  They can create more differences, more litigation and more fees and then you run out of money.  Soon the path to any conclusion seemed even mor tenuous and remote. 

I can remember that when I decided to terminate our “relationship” that lawyer #3 slammed my files onto the desk in anger; the action confirmed my decision. 

Lawyer #4 was essentially selected in a similar fashion to #3.  He turned out to be competent, honest and go figure (?) too busy.  Eventually he was persuaded to arrange a sit down with the side opposite and in one three-hour session with proper support in the room and agreement was made.  Relief, emptiness and hope were my companions as I left that room.  A legal process that had begun with sadness (sense of loss and failure) and naivete (expectation) had ended 3 years later with the unintended outcome of damaged family relationships everywhere I looked.  The question remained – was the damage reversible? 

Eventually I filed a complaint (after “calm” was restored) to the Law Society of Upper Canada re: lawyer #2 specifically and my experience with their profession in general.  I was going to “educate” them about their failings.  After some months I was given an audience before their review committee and even more months later I received a letter denying any wrongdoing – apparently my experience was in the dull to normal range. 

In my work with over 500 clients through Kids ‘n’ Dad I observe and hear stories re the work of the legal profession.   I am asked for recommendations.  I have had many positive experiences with Family Law lawyers and often make referrals based on positive experiences of clients.   

Competency guarantees very little in the current legal model that claims to be all about the “best interest of the child”; incompetency adds so many layers of damage that a return to any degree of family normalcy almost surely required divine intervention. 

As an aside, the best interests of my children were neve mentioned, let alone advocated by lawayers 1 – 4.  My family was invisible!

Why it matters?

Twenty-three years later most of my week days begin by taking my three and four year year old grandchildren (the boys) to homecare and JK.  I then often journey to my other daughters’ home for joyful moments with my 21-month old granddaughter.  On a really good day I drive my almost 16 year old granddaughter to dance.  As she leaves and says, “thank you Grandpa”, my eyes always mist over. 

Every parent and grandparent who had come close to losing all of these beautiful outcomes understands my reaction.  We know too well that a broken Family Law process can destroy family relationships forever. 

My journey is of course my journey.  But after seeing and working with several hundred families, I know that there is a common thread that connects separating/separated families.  They are in desperate need for timely support to renew their families, if necessary, in a changed form.

I am the lucky dad and grandparent.  By chance (I purposely employ that word) I made it twenty-three years later to a good place even though every significant relationship was wounded.  My parents, my children’s grandparents, were victims of the chaos and never had the opportunity (time) to make it through to our family’s renewal.  They suffered life-ending strokes that prematurely robbed my children of loving, caring and supportive grandparents. 

I feel guilty at describing myself to as being lucky.  When I went to Lawyer #1, little did I know that every relationship that mattered would be at risk – children, extended family, close friends, etc.

Remember these are simply my insights as I travelled from a world (married with children) that I understood only to enter a legal world where is seems that more energy is put into limiting/eliminating parenting and grand parenting than ensuring these important human assets to children. 

We have too many compassionate talented professionals to continue to tolerate the outcomes that face separating families. 

Article by Barry Lillie, published in The Record, April 2014 as Insight Essay.  (References to further articles removed)