For all parents, challenges occur before you take your first, full breath after the ‘decision’ to separate. Your whole world is changing and mothers and fathers are ill-prepared in every way possible. This is a shared reality!

Many mothers have considered separating for some time. Research suggests that approximately 70% of woman initiate (not cause) the separation. Many mothers have done some preparation; others have been focused on the decision only; a minority are blindsided by their intimate, partner’s decision.

Three immediate challenges are common; namely, a) personal recovery; b) supporting your children: c) forging a parenting relationship with the children’s father.

Each parent is in their own unique place on meeting these goals as they enter the world of separating. These three challenges can be overwhelming; but personal and family renewal must be your goal. I would suggest that the following prism of family renewal, discussed in the Resource Hub, should be employed in your decision-making tool box.        

Does this action/decision/choice move myself and my family closer or further away from our long-term goal of Family Renewal?

Renewal is a term that has been carefully chosen for this project. It encompasses optimism for what parents can accomplish…. together in the right process.  If your parenting target is less lofty, you most likely will create a parenting plan that is unable to sustain what you desire for your children and yourself.

Concepts to consider when working towards renewal:

• How the separation occurred influences how prepared you are for the immediate decisions. In addition, even your initial, pre-separation work may not be enough to offset the reality of what is coming at you from children, the other parent, family and friends.
•  This picture is not intended to keep intimate partners and parents inside an unhappy personal and family environment. It is counsel for seeking out the best information, supports and knowing when getting help is necessary.
• Your intimate partner may react entirely differently than you expected. He may be shocked and vehemently opposed to separating! He may be angry! He may be focused on practical outcomes, etc. Renewal may therefore be more challenging and take more time. It is important to understand that either party can decide to end the intimate relationship without being penalized as a parent or an economic co-partner. It is called no-fault divorce.
• Parenting in two homes is different and complicated at best, chaotic, overwhelming and lonely at worst (and to be truthful there is worst). This sounds obvious, but the disruption to day-to-day family life is immediate- even if you (mother) remain in the ‘matrimonial’ home, parenting the children uninterrupted in the main. It is even more disruptive if you leave the home soon after with nothing settled about going forward. Many mothers (dads too) return to their parents’ home with all the emotions and disruption that accompany such a move.
• The incidence of situational depression for mothers is about 4 times greater than for mothers in an intact family. As such, everything that is going on has this emotional cloud impacting every relationship. By the way, the dads’ incidence of situational depression is 6 times greater than for dads in an intact family. It is estimated that 1/3 of children from separated families will require mental health services.
• The mental health issue for each parent needs to be understood. In addition, the mental health concern may have been in play for some time in the intact family. For both parents, possible depression needs to be dealt with immediately. If not done, it may be a factor negating the shared parenting goals.
• Taking care of yourself is often low on your priority list. Finding time for yourself may feel selfish, instead of a necessary mental health step. Caretaking and self-sacrificing are sometimes what a mother has become comfortable at doing in an unhappy home and a lonely intimate relationship. For many, this role may provide temporary respite and even comfort for it is a familiar role. Unfortunately, it can simply delay taking the necessary, next steps for personal recovery and healing family relationships.
• Find ways that make you feel better- ways that are not self-medicating or harmful. It is very easy to become obsessed 24/7 by the situation and the different issues that are now a major part of your daily life.
• The risk for any parent is to overreact to minor indiscretions on parenting matters and perceived judgments by others.
• ANGER! How each parent deals with a) their anger toward the other parent;  b) their anger toward themselves matters.
• There is often plenty to be angry about, legitimate or simply perceived grievances. But constantly looking back fails our self and our children; looking forward is what the decision to separate requires without delay. Lessons will be derived from the failure of your intimate relationship over time, hopefully as you venture into your renewed life.

                                  “Relationships that do not end peacefully do not end at all.”

                                   (Merit Malloy, the Quotable Quote Book)

Anger, Accountability, and Forgiveness

Over the years I have wrestled with each of these concepts. I believe that every former intimate partner with children is engaged in a similar struggle. In this section on parenting by separated mothers, the issue of anger is likely at the forefront of day to day decision-making. As such the next section considers the impact of anger on a separating family.

Experts cited in the Resource Hub suggest that every separated parent should consider whether decisions are driven by anger from the past or a desire to create a calm future. There are many books, etc. by experts that are betterthan my utterings (probably almost everyone), so I suggest that you seek out such resources and professionals. I do know the close-up destructiveness of anger for separating families- parents, children and grandparents.

Accountability is our need for the other parent to ‘admit’ to their destructive behaviors and accept personal responsibility. I warn you that you may be waiting a long-time, likely forever! Accountability is often a two way street and the real world of your children requires moving on to a better path. The search for accountability is often driven by our search for justice or for justification for our actions.

Justice in the world of separation is complicated at best and often left the courthouse some time ago.

A question that illustrates this point re: the personal search for justice for each parent to consider: ‘Did your children ask their parents to separate? Where’s the justice for them?’

Forgiveness is likely found near the end of the journey, if at all. I have found it to be a place that I have failed to embrace…yet. Forgiveness for this writer takes place after accountability – which often has given way to the more important task of arriving at a pragmatic, business like relationship with the other parent.

In this blog post, I write about a support group experience relevant to forgiveness that touched me to the core. It made me feel inadequate and yet helped me move to a better place.

Forgiveness is less about freeing the other parent from what you perceived they did and more about freeing our self from the restraints that make our lives less joyful, less purposeful and less loving! – Barry Lillie: Kids ‘n’ Dad

Lessons from my own journey

On a personal note, I always believed that I was rarely angry and only then at ‘real’ matters that had consequences for my children. I was always justified…so I thought. Being angry ran against my own view of myself as the ‘reasonable’ person. I denied my anger because I considered ‘being angry’ to be a negative characteristic.

In the first weeks of the separation, my children’s mother did something negative that involved my relationship with my children. I went back into the family home and expressed my anger in no uncertain terms. Afterwards, I was quite down about my behavior. It gained me nothing and it could have cost me a great deal.

That of course is the point! I had forgotten or had yet to learn that the end of intimacy also may mean the end of understanding/collaborating with your former intimate partner, especially in the early stages of separating.  You are working to build a new parenting partnership. As such angry outbursts can lead to further breakdowns in this elusive parenting goal.

Making you feel better ‘for a moment’ can have long-term, negative outcomes. Anger must be channelled in more constructive ways that motivate you to personal recovery and to make the necessary changes to be a better parent. After this early ‘blip’ in my behavior, I forgave myself and made a commitment to make my best effort to avoid a second episode, no matter what I considered provocative. I was imperfect, but I continued to try to be less so.

Some lessons I learned on anger, communication, and separation

• Anger is the Achilles’ heel for separating families and their effort to find family renewal. There are so many irritants and aggravations that potentially trigger situations that can become significant conflicts.
•  The loss of the foundation of an intimate relationship- namely, goodwill and forgiveness- has serious consequences for day-to-day parenting.
• Learning to talk to the father in a constructive way is a prerequisite to effective parenting. Early on you probably know whether this can be some form of face to face conversation. It may be too raw emotionally for one or both of you.
•  In addition, negative communication may have taken place in the intact family for some time- maybe no conversation at all that involved family decisions, etc. Now it is necessary to talk about unending arrangements re: parenting while simultaneously working out contentious financial arrangements and exchanging legal documents- then smiling as the other parent greets your daughter at the dance studio or on the soccer field.
•  He is now getting out of work early and making a point of being there. This makes you angry. His stepping up now that you are no longer the traditional ‘team’ is viewed as a negative instead of a ‘good for him’ that helps build integral parenting relationships.
• Separated life initially is filled with these kind of basic situations. It truly is in the eyes of the beholder- a positive or a negative? Remember the goal of the securing enduring, lifetime relationship for children with each parent and extended family. This sometimes hurts a lot as it plays out in the short and intermediate term. If accomplished in the long-term, your children and grandchildren will reap the rewards for a lifetime.
• It is important to be comfortable in your own parenting skin. The more you feel threatened the more likely that good decision-making is lost to anger/revenge and insecurity.
• Intimate partners with children separate because for one or both parents’ life has become unacceptable. The motivation to separate is triggered by a negative; but is intended to create a long-term positive outcome. For parents, a positive always includes beneficial outcomes for our children.
• Therefore, the many experts offer Renewal as a target- it is about reaching out with optimism – to rebuild a better parenting environment that can handle change and complication inside two homes for your children.
• ‘Every time we reaffirm our optimism, we give our children a good way to approach their own adversity.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Crisis)
• ‘Optimism doesn’t deny anger, frustration, sadness or intense sorrow. It is willing to give each one its due, but only its due. We cannot always control what happened to us, but we can control how we respond to it and how we use it.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Grief)
• Renewal is about two homes with humour, laughter, joy, wellbeing, care, connectedness, intimacy, cooperative parenting, good will and lifelong through whatever love.
• Connectedness is recognizing that each residence is a ‘legitimate’ welcoming home for your children. Children can feel ‘alone’ in each home, if each parent gives the opposite signal to their child as they leave for their other parent’s home.  (Read: After My Parents Divorced)
• How to make a child feel that they are an integral member of each home with all its differences is the ultimate parenting challenge. I believe it is especially the ultimate challenge for most mothers, who may feel lost when their child is at dad’s home. It is often aggravated when there is a new partner involved in the father’s and child’s life in the other home. (See blended families resources).
• While the role of mothers and fathers has changed in the modern era, mothers for all the shared parenting in the intact home often see parenting as falling ultimately in their bailiwick. In addition, even in shared parenting homes decision-making on day-to-day care is often in the hands of the mother or at least under her direction.
• Adjusting to predictable, interrupted parenting is perhaps the most difficult adjustment for a separated mother. As a father I found it to be incredibly difficult also, so I don’t want to overstate the adjustment required as a one-way street.
• It is important for each parent to understand the other parent’s core difficulty on this matter.

 “It’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days…! I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” – a separated parent

The above statement is the common realty for every separated parent, even for mothers, who may have a majority of parenting time. Being without your children for a night or two at the grandparents or a neighbor feels entirely different from two nights at dad’s home- at least initially. It is a reminder of loss and even loneliness. It can result in holding your children too close; and/or children can become easily your caretaker, if invited to do so. Think about your child’s reality where they could face two homes where they become the adult in the home.

Guilt

• A parent in a separating family often deals with feelings of guilt. Some experts suggest that feelings of guilt for mothers may derive from a sense of responsibility for failing to maintain the intact family. These experts would maintain that this ‘family’ focused guilt affects mothers more than dads. I suspect ‘guilt’ finds a place in every parent’s emotional being.
• A companion to this sense of guilt is the practical parenting that may suffer from parenting alone and the time limitations and emotional feelings that may limit a mother from being the parent she desires to be. Our expectations for ourselves often is a self-inflicted wound that hinders personal recovery.
• A recovery focused even modestly on personal well-being may feel selfish; expanding your life to include significant others even in a careful way is complicated often by a set of external judgments on timing and appropriateness.
• It is important to recognize the triggers for parenting in ways that are less than desired. If understood, many mistakes re: impatience with your children can be avoided. Alternative support can be found in Early Years Centres and YMCA programs to name a couple of sources. Search out program availability in these centres.
• Guilt in small doses for human mistakes is probably good for motivating you to do better; guilt that can lead to compounding questionable behaviors or parenting and personal paralysis subtracts instead of adds to effective post-separation parenting.

Forgive yourself!  You are imperfect and as such human!

Please read the different parenting tips on shared parenting in the Resource Hub.