Overcoming a tragedy of overwhelming loss is the theme of the 2016 Academy award nominated film Manchester by the Sea. It is a compelling story of a father and husband who lost everything a few years earlier and is paralyzed by grief that has become his unwanted companion every step of his daily life. The untimely death of his older brother provides an unexpected opportunity to move beyond his sorrow and find purpose in life again.
The film starkly reminds us that there are tragedies that are so overwhelming that recovery is forever elusive and life remains at best a dark shade of gray.
The father in a few simple words recognizes his now lost opportunity when he quietly states. “I can’t beat it.”
In the book 12 Years A Slave by Solomon Northrup published in 1853 the author touches the heart of every parent with his description of slavery’s hideous impact in the following excerpt:
“Grief had gnawed remorselessly at her heart (mother-Liza), until her strength was gone; and for that, her last master (slave owner), it is said, lashed and abused her most unmercifully. But he could not whip back the departed vigor of her youth, nor straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when her children were around her, and the light of freedom was shining on her path.”
Liza’s children were torn from her arms and sold separately to other slave owners. Liza understood the words ‘I can’t beat it!’
The film is a stark reminder of the loss experienced by too many separated fathers who must deal with such a parenting risk as Liza. It is now 20 years since the Parliament of Canada had the opportunity to establish a core principle in law that a mother and father are co-parenting partners; that maternal and paternal grandparents are equal partners in the lives of their grandchildren.
Slavery is one of the most disturbing evils of humankind. Its cruelty and disregard for family is played out even in the ‘civilized’ process known as Family Court …every day with seeming impunity.
A Wisconsin separated mother who fought against her state’s presumption of shared parenting now admits her folly. “My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.”
Integral – the completion of the whole – is the gift of the presumption of shared parenting.
An article in the Record this past year by Gordan Paul, describes the 5 year, systemic journey of parents with the Family and Children’s Services. While the story lacks the family history, it outlines that the loss of their child appears to be based on an acknowledged erroneous drug test that triggered F&CS apprehension of their child. This family had now become unintended/intended (?) casualties of a failing system.
Justice Grant Campbell describes his findings in blunt terms to the parents of this 5 year old case: ‘‘although it will offer you little comfort, I apologize to you for the manner in which you have been treated, ignored, demeaned and disbelieved’.
Justice Campbell is to be thanked for shining the light on this case, but where were the judges 5 years ago, 4 years ago, 3 years ago, etc.? It was in those years that the parents were ‘whipped unmercifully ’and robbed of their ‘departed vigor’.
An interview of an Australian Family Law justice identifies an important failing in the Family Justice System and Child Welfare System. Judges and child welfare don’t appear to be interested in knowing whether their intended outcome for cases before them turned out well or otherwise. They simply continue to believe what they believe. A case is closed and the intended outcome may or may not be achieved.
Justice Campbell states explicitly that the patchwork child welfare system is ‘broken’. He also states that the future is only going to get worse in Waterloo Region and across the province. These are his observations, not this ‘biased’ observer.
Many separated parents/grandparents remember those weeks, months, and years where they were unable to ‘straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when the children were around them’. Fond memories provide only momentary relief as they soon turn to tears of loss- wonderful moments can become the enemy.
Justice Campbell has provided an opportunity for those in Child Welfare and the Family Justice System to change a process that he and others have described as ‘unworkable ‘and ‘abusive’. The shame is that there has been no professional, public response to this case.
The following is a second excerpt from Twelve Years a Slave.
“The influence of the iniquitous system necessarily fosters an uncaring and unfeeling spirit, even in the bosoms of those who, among their equals, are regarded as humane and generous.”
“I can’t beat it!” – These are the words of parents worn out by a system that runs the clock until exhaustion and survival is all that is left.
Providing support too late in the separating process for vulnerable and wounded children, mothers, fathers and grandparents leaves too many ‘Lizas’ broken for the remainder of their life journey.
Silence sustains and protects the ‘system’. Defensiveness and denial maintain the unacceptable status quo. Transparency could provide sunlight and thus the opportunity to find creative solutions!
Father’s Day provides a timely excuse to examine whether fathers and paternal grandparents are recognized as an integral part of their child’s life, every day contributing to the completing of the whole child.
If the iniquitous system continues then the hand in hand connection of child to father to grandfather may be broken forever. I am reminded every day of that possibility when I am with my grandchildren. I understand Liza’s agony and the words, ‘I can’t beat it!’
Father’s Day is also grandfather’s day and a celebration of love forever, through whatever.
For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.
This is my son’s first Father’s Day and my first as a grandfather to Timothy. It is a fulfilling experience to see my son’s life filled with the love, joy, meaning and even trepidation on becoming dad. Welcome to our world son…forever!