Category: After Separation

Older Children and a Separation- The Forgotten Children in a Family Separation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

Older children are a growing and somewhat forgotten age group. Many separating parents wait until their children develop to a certain age i.e. late- adolescence or early 20’s- to make the separation a reality. They expect their ‘adult’ child to be able to accept and manage the separation. After all, these young people are rarely at home and appear remarkably independent.

 I would advise separating parents to take a few moments and make a list of all the disruptions and concerns that this age group/your child will likely have to accept/endure from your separation. Below are a few possibilities and for sure they don’t exhaust the reactions of this group. Recognize that the optics of the separation may play an important part in their reaction i.e. who appears responsible for causing the separation and who is the ‘victim’. The concept of ‘no-fault’ divorce is unlikely to find quiet acceptance, here.

A family unit that has always remained intact, even through considerable parental unhappiness, is all that these children have known. For some parents at this stage, there is a defiant ‘I have been unhappy long enough by remaining in a loveless marriage; it is my time to find happiness’. That is not an unreasonable feeling, but one also needs to be sensitive to where your children are on this parental ‘failure’. Otherwise, your search for personal happiness may be cut short by guilt and loss.

Personal Note: my son was 19+ when his mother and I separated. It was ‘assumed’ that he would manage (at least I assumed) the family breakdown. His reality of course was something different. As unhappy intimate partners, we failed to anticipate the impact on our 19 year old son.

A parental split rarely/never go as planned in what I would call an ‘adult’ or ‘no-fault ‘way. In addition, there is the added likelihood that families with two or more mid-adolescent children may see the children live with different parents. The intact family can often become the ‘splintered family’ with many unintended outcomes that can become long-lasting.

 Regaining an enduring life-long parenting relationship may have to be accomplished within limited opportunities with your child. Different perspectives of older children can cause serious, long-lasting rifts.

This is a reminder that every relationship is tested by the way parents separate. Unintended, negative outcomes are more likely to endure, when older children are no longer under the same roof. There is less together time to repair the damage/to work it through. In addition, each sibling relationship within the intact family has its own history based on age, personality, parental connection, etc.

Below is a partial list of reactions. Please compile your own list for each child and if possible bring those lists together as parents prior to a more formal separating conversation with your child.

1. Reaction is very individual.

2. Any # of symptoms.

3. Often believe in ‘rescuing’ the ‘wronged’ parent.

4. Often blame one parent. See the other parent as being abandoned.

5. They may also decide to live separate lives.

Make your own list for your children and your common and unique parent-child relationship!

Possible steps

  • An adult explanation.
  • No side taking in conversation with your child.
  • Marriage happened- Shared history.
  • Serious thought given to explanation i.e. honest without defamation.
  • Find ways to manage family events and including extended family/grandparents.
  • Issues: Inheritance, Financial; Children’s education.

See additional articles on finances in the Safety, Legal, and Financial page.

Thoughts

  • Flexibility re: schedule with children.  Persistent in making getting together happen. Manage with calm and understanding re: difficulty at making arrangements.
  • Transition to a ‘sort of ‘adult relationship. They are still a ‘child’, but like all growing children, the style of the relationship is changing- even more so in these circumstances.
  • Each child’s reaction is unique to them and often based on their recent past relationship with each parent.
  • Flexibility on finances i.e. child support and other expenses. I say this because at this age the children may set their own schedule, based on their whims and the parent in favour.
    • If you can work out a formula to pay additional costs (if needed) to one parent (if they exist), you can reduce the children’s sense of blaming one parent or the other re: financial shortfall or decisions that affect their lives.
    • Finding a process or the will to implement a fair system can lead to less conflict for future family get togethers.
  • New dating relationships often trigger reactions from a former partner and from children. It adds a permanence- a forever changed piece that the intact family is ending and new relationships are beginning.
    • It may not matter to the ‘non-moving on former partner’ that you did it in a tactful, timely and sensitive way. Their reaction often has negative repercussions on the children and their initial reactions. You can only do your best at managing the situation. Your former partner could do dangerous or manipulative actions and you need to be prepared for that possibility, and take appropriate, protective steps. This can be very dangerous stuff!
  • Often one partner is ready to move on, the other isn’t or changes their mind from being ready. Sometimes in doing so, the moving on parent may feel the wrath of family, friends and children in the timing of dating. Older children can be volatile, and their negative judgment can be devastating to a parent, especially when added to that of other significant persons in your life.
  •  One has to be cautious BUT you are the only one who knows the past history of aloneness from a long-term, empty, intimate relationship. Don’t beat yourself up over the reactions of others. Consider the best, next steps.
  •  Often, they are to carry on and time will simply move every one past the current objections. There is no excuse for dangerous behaviors by the other party. In short, simply be the best parent that you can be in these circumstances!

See recommended resources in adolescence and young adulthood!

 A Personal Journey (In memory of my parents and gramps)

On By BarryIn After Separation, Fathers, Grandparent

My parents were ‘good people, parents and grandparents’. They were from the time of my marriage at the age of twenty-two effectively parents to my children’s mother (her mother and father had passed away). 

My parents were also caring, supportive and committed grandparents to my brother’s family (two children from Toronto) and my family (three children living in Kitchener-Waterloo). Our families spent Christmas together at my home or my brother’s home every year after I was married and had children.

I cannot recall a cross word with my mother until my separation years. I was very close to my father. 

If we are fortunate to experience becoming a father and grandfather, we have accumulated a set of experiences that have shaped the person we have been for most of our adult life; mixed in to the set of ‘normal’ life experiences are a few that have changed us in a profound way.

My separation at the age of 46 fell into the profound category. When you are going through the early stages of a separation, it is a uniquely, personal experience i.e. our good intention to separate in a ‘caring manner’ is affected by our emotional state i.e. pain, anger, loss, despair, anticipation, promise, hope, and optimism to find happiness.

The ending of my marriage of close to 25 years was not triggered by a specific event, but by the drip, drip indifference over several years in which we failed to take care of each other. As an aside, I have never blamed my children’s mother for any failing that contributed toward our separation. This has  allowed me to maintain some perspective on our twenty-five years together.

One of the tragedies for many intimate partners with children is that the post-separation chaos and tragic missteps, intentional or otherwise, leave one or both partners damaged and a profound emptiness at the end.

In other words, the post separation trauma overwhelms the good that was also part of the intimate relationship. This outcome may have unfortunate consequences for our children in the long-term.]

The decision to separate

When the decision to separate was made, there were only two, significant others, besides our children, that we worried /needed to tell; namely our best friends and my parents. We jointly told our best friends in our idealized version of what I call no fault or mutual fault separation. I separately went anxiously to tell my parents in Toronto. They had accompanied us on a car trip to Lake Placid a year earlier and I am sure (silently) observed a marriage in trouble.

For my parents, beloved grandparents to five, the news that I brought them turned out to be a pre-mature death sentence and a final 5 years of life filled with turmoil and little joy. A later life built around the families of their two sons, daughters-in-law and 5 grandchildren was to be shattered… with inadequate time for recovery.

Our family separation, as adult children, can become a separation for grandparents and other significant, family members and friends. In my case, they all became part of my burden as I struggled to understand the chaos that ensued for everyone that I loved and cared for.

My belief in myself and my children’s mother as good people and parents would be tested on an almost daily basis through the pain, I saw in those that I loved.

I believe there is a common, male attribute that requires us to ‘fix it’. I suspect that my upbringing in a home. where my dad (who I loved dearly) was a problem drinker added to a learned, childhood ‘responsibility’ to bring calm to our family life.

Reflections from down the road

I have now attained the age of my dad (75 years old) at the time of my separation, and this is my first serious attempt to describe this part of my life passage, 27 years later. I am still a father of three and now a grandfather to six – 2 girls, 4 boys ranging from one to twenty-one. 

I began to consider writing this essay after celebrating our Christmas 2017 brunch in our very, complicated family. It included all the family mentioned above and of course their partners. I know too well that none of this was certain, once that fateful decision was made to separate, and I made that journey to Toronto to my parents’ home.

 It is a rare day that I don’t think about my parents and our troubled, last years together.

“I often feel guilty about my good life- my joy for what I have now causes me to momentarily forget my parents’ premature loss to my children and our family.” 

The good news for this son is that their grandchildren remember them with great fondness for the many, family brunches and special weekends they dedicated to each grandchild. All of the grandchildren were in adolescence and thus had their only grandparents in their life for 12 or more years.

 It has been my mission to model their love and caring to their grandchildren in the best way possible; in order to ensure that their legacy endures from generation to generation to generation.

 Grandparents are often the forgotten story – the throwaway relationship – unintended, deliberate, or through indifference. 

It happens because it is allowed to happen. It is virtually never about being in the ‘best interests’ of the grandchild. It happens because the system continues to endorse a process that even the Law Commission of Ontario admit too often turns solvable problems into unsolvable outcomes … for a lifetime.

The Rest of the Story of My Family 

As noted earlier, I have little interest in assigning ‘blame’ for the human reactions of separating partners; but I am interested in understanding what did take place to help others in similar situations. It is also not my intention to excuse bad behavior that can threaten every family relationship. Each parent needs to be accountable; but there is a reality that accompanies virtually every family breakdown i.e. no one can predict with any certainty how each intimate partner with children is going to react going forward.

Rule: The most ‘predictable outcome’ is that there is no certainty! 

The separating process must therefore be built on a foundation that recognizes the above rule. It must be the role of professionals to be a guardrail to the decisions that move families into prolonged chaos and away from the calm that their families require.  

If you made it this far in reading, you may have decided what could possibly be my family’s problem. In summary, my separation appeared to be based upon a mutual breakdown i.e. no abuse by either party and a general recognition that each party was a caring parent. There was only one set of grandparents and the parents/grandparents were adored. My parents were seemingly in an enviable position to continue to be involved grandparents.

What happened? This should have been straightforward, eh? Remember the first rule: there is no certainty once the lever is pulled to separate.

The age of the children (every stage of adolescence) even seemed enviable, in that they could influence where/who they would live within certain limits. Our marital unhappiness over the last 2-3 years prior to separating had likely created/aggravated divisions in every parent/child relationship, and even child-child relationships.

I, for no real reason (guilt or caretaking perhaps?) agreed to leave the matrimonial home. Within 48 hours my oldest daughter chose to live with me. Thus in only a weekend, we had separated and an unintended outcome re: the children’s homes had occurred.

Most intimate couples with children are ill prepared emotionally and practically for what takes place. I know that to be true for myself and for my children’s mother. A separation – even when it is the right step – challenges you profoundly as a loving parent, as a caring man or woman through the loss of intimacy and as a provider.

Depression rates are 4-6 times higher for separating mothers and dads vs. intact family parents. Consider the impact of this reality for many families at the time of separating and how it influences the way the separation plays out.

Each parent prior to our separation recognized the other parent as a loving, caring mother and father; then the chaos that resulted was not the desired outcome for either party. The chaos derived from human and systemic failings.

The enemy for children, parents, and grandparents is prolonged chaos and the failure of support services-legal, quasi-legal and social services to recognize and control the dark impulses of one or both parents.

The separating process handles chaos within the family very badly. It often fails to recognize it for what it is and prefers to carry on with an adversarial process. 

Making it worse, the judicial process and social services seem to prefer a ‘case in, case closed’ approach to determine/assume their record of success. There is an absurd lack of professional curiosity about whether they ‘got it right’.

Prolonged chaos is the enemy to separating families and as such to grandparents and grandchildren.

The chaos factors

The following is a partial list of contributing factors that lead to chaos. Some are individual behaviors and some systemic failings. Individual behaviors may be initially unexpected but can easily be anticipated for they are in human relationships common enough.

A few common behaviors by a separating parent that lead to prolonged chaos:

  1. A belief that they only are the parent that matters to the children.
  2. A fear that they are going to lose (self-doubt) their relationship with their child, therefore they must minimize the other parent’s role. 
  3. Alienation or Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS); behaviors that enlist children to reject the other parent and the child’s other, extended family. 
  4. Depression for one or both parents (see earlier note). 
  5. Behaviors such as stalking, misuse of social media, false allegations of abusive behavior etc. 
  6. Total rejection of any notion of shared parenting.
  7. Ineffective parenting that causes/creates child anxiety- thus it is stated that the child is not up to sleepovers- younger children sleeping with the parent on a nightly basis.
  8. Enlisting therapists who simply run the clock that lead to prolonged absence of a parent and thus grandparents-many have no real goal of two parent involvement.
  9. Using financial means to prolong a temporary order or delay any new order to maintain a current parenting advantage.
  10. Other actions that create conditions for prolonged and destructive chaos.

The Judicial and Social System Contributions to Prolonged Chaos:

A) The judicial process is so flawed that there really is simply too much to explore.   I have written often about my disastrous experience as a novice to Family Law. A judicial process shouldn’t be measured by how it handles the relatively routine cases; it should be measured by how it manages the more difficult cases and whether the outcomes are family friendly in the long-term. 

B) Lawyers are too busy or fail to do what they say they will do. 

C) Poor communication skills. Lawyers fail to discuss your desires in the context of what is right for your children and you in the long run. 

D) Strategy too often runs the clock, no matter the human costs. 

E) See you as their client only. Fail to treat the family holistically.

 F) Employ a strategy that asserts unsubstantiated or false allegations of abuse; or attempts to create doubts about the character of the other parent to gain advantage.

 G) Financial costs of the drawn-out judicial process. This leads to simply waring out a party- surrendering for some parents becomes the only option to survive.  

H) No real effective monitoring of the judicial system in a meaningful way. No effective monitoring of F&CS that often are involved in prolonged, chaos cases. In addition, there is a lack of voluntary transparency by F&CS that makes challenging their decisions and protocols very difficult.

 I) Social services appear to have abdicated  any commitment honoring a two-parent philosophy. As such they often fail to provide ongoing, holistic services. Irritants and change are an inevitable aspect of separated parents’ journey. The two-parent philosophy must be endorsed from the get-go to best ensure it endures through the continuing challenges.

 J) Mediation services are too often under the auspices of the legal profession. They are cumbersome and expensive for they attempt to protect the lawyers’ role.  

 K) Lack of research on outcomes by legal and social services is a constant failing. 

 L) Other- Fill in your experiences!

In my family, most of the above factors played out for almost 900 days. It is impossible to exaggerate the impact of prolonged chaos!

My mother for some reason(s) decided it was her responsibility to ‘fix things’- to save the marriage or even to save us after my ‘news’. She was taken back to her own childhood and life events that she had appeared to conquer and now had been reawakened as dark memories at 75 years of age. My father simply retreated as best he could from the chaos that now engulfed every caring relationship that mattered to him. My mother’s twenty-five-year relationship with my children’s mother left her vulnerable to the never-ending twists and turns on a daily basis.

 My parents own relationship was now at risk. 

My occasional search for parental support and advice often turned into verbal conflict with my mother- leaving me angry, even in despair at the outcome; every visit left me feeling guilty/responsible for my parents’ obvious trauma. I had to accept that emotional support from them was no longer available.

There was no calm in our family, it was unrelenting!

 It was now Thanksgiving, almost 3 years and 900 days later, and I had asked my parents to come to my new place and meet Elaine for the ‘first time’. We were to be married in 2 months. My mother refused. My father decided it was time to meet Elaine and support his son openly. My parents undoubtedly had angry words.

I met my father at Milton’s Mc Donald’s – a half way pickup. He and I sat talking for almost 2 hours about what was/is taking place. He then came to our new home, met Elaine, and had a wonderful get together. I drove my dad back to Milton and his car later in the evening. 

Early the next morning, I received a call that my dad had a major stroke and was in a coma.  My parents’ last words of any significance to each other were undoubtedly angry, either before and/ or after my father’s visit. 

I do know that he ‘essentially’ died after doing what he had always done for me as a father and grandfather- to support and love me and my family.

The gift of a day together

“I am unsure that I could have ever reconciled his loss without the reassurance of our last day together.”

My dad’s coma continued for several days. I made the daily trip to Sunnybrook Hospital. My mother believed that my close relationship with my father could somehow awaken him from his coma, even though we were told by staff that he had suffered irreparable damage. After a number of days in this state, during my stay, he gradually awakened. However, the damage was in fact extensive and it is uncertain that he ever recognized his family as family, instead of just caregivers. Any true communication had ended!

For the next year and a half, I continued an almost daily drive to Toronto to further ‘awaken’ my father. My wedding had gone ahead, and my mother found a reason to not join us. She remained locked into her own post-separation world. I tried to reconcile with her by doing my role and provide companionship to my dad and support to my mother- who was driven to ‘repair’ my dad.

 The impact of their tragic last day together, prior to the stroke had a profound impact. She had no opportunity to reconcile with my dad. She eventually wore herself out and after a year+ died from a stroke within 72 hours.

My occasional conversations with my mother during the post stroke period made clear that she had a view of her son as someone different from who I am. She believed the falsehoods at worse; and at best considered them as possibilities. It is part of the evil of the separating process that falsehoods are often left hanging out- it is the Trumpian world. 

My mother who I had never argued with since the age of 10 until my separation at the age of 46 no longer knew her son. That was/is a difficult outcome to accept. Down the road a few years later, I told my older brother (who was very close to my mother) that he had to keep reminding me about all the good things about her, that I understood before the separation. They were lost to me in the chaos…and even now are difficult to retrieve. 

When my mother passed away, my brother decided that she would prefer the most basic of caskets and not a service. The cardboard box was purchased, and my mother was delivered to the crematorium by a driver in an Eddie Bauer t-shirt. The awaiting party of two sons and 2 daughters-in law alternated between tears and laughter at this too surreal moment. 

My brother suggested that he desired/needed to write an extensive obituary on my mother’s life and accomplishments for the Globe and Mail. I agreed and it was done at considerable cost. 

My dad’s inherent, physical strength had outlived my mother, his partner for almost 60 years. Now we were left only with her ashes. My brother opted out of participating any further. My mother’s ashes became my companion in my car for some time. Finally, I decided that I would dispose of them along the Humber River on the grounds of their condo- where they resided during their happiest years together. 

It was a dreary, misty, early morning as I walked the grounds alone spreading her ashes and at the same trying to conceal my task from the condo owners. Tears freely flowed as I was overwhelmed by grief, loss and the memory of the sad events of the last 4 years. 

It was soon time to return to my dad at Sunnybrook Hospital and take him for a walk in his wheelchair. Communicating the morning’s event drew no awareness from him. 

My father held on physically for another year. His passing occurred thankfully. The box and cremation were repeated, blessedly without the young man in the Eddie Bauer t-shirt. I carried my father’s ashes in my trunk for some time. I would talk to him about his grandchildren and other family happenings.

The odd thing is that I still talk to him and try to be the best of him as a parent and grandparent. It is the legacy that would most matter to him and to his father- my gramps. 

The separation and the prolonged chaos left everyone wounded and worn out. The grandchildren were never given the opportunity to grieve and celebrate their grandparents in a way that they should have been celebrated. A shame and an outcome connected directly to our separation.

Kids n Dad Shared Support was born out of loss and hope. Loss is inevitable following a separation; but it can be minimized by supporting the mission of family renewal, in whatever family form.

 The threads of hope still exist, and they can be woven into new beginnings for every family. 

Grandparents are near the top of the essential relationships that can mitigate chaos and create calm for children and children’s children!

For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section. For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

father lifts baby outdoors under blue sky

Father’s day 2017: “I can’t beat it!”

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Fathers, Holidays

Overcoming a tragedy of overwhelming loss is the theme of the 2016 Academy award nominated film Manchester by the Sea. It is a compelling story of a father and husband who lost everything a few years earlier and is paralyzed by grief that has become his unwanted companion every step of his daily life. The untimely death of his older brother provides an unexpected opportunity to move beyond his sorrow and find purpose in life again.

The film starkly reminds us that there are tragedies that are so overwhelming that recovery is forever elusive and life remains at best a dark shade of gray.

The father in a few simple words recognizes his now lost opportunity when he quietly states. “I can’t beat it.”

In the book 12 Years A Slave by Solomon Northrup published in 1853 the author touches the heart of every parent with his description of slavery’s hideous impact in the following excerpt:

 “Grief had gnawed remorselessly at her heart (mother-Liza), until her strength was gone; and for that, her last master (slave owner), it is said, lashed and abused her most unmercifully. But he could not whip back the departed vigor of her youth, nor straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when her children were around her, and the light of freedom was shining on her path.”

 Liza’s children were torn from her arms and sold separately to other slave owners. Liza understood the words ‘I can’t beat it!’

The film is a stark reminder of the loss experienced by too many separated fathers who must deal with such a parenting risk as Liza. It is now 20 years since the Parliament of Canada had the opportunity to establish a core principle in law that a mother and father are co-parenting partners; that maternal and paternal grandparents are equal partners in the lives of their grandchildren. 

Slavery is one of the most disturbing evils of humankind. Its cruelty and disregard for family is played out even in the ‘civilized’ process known as Family Court …every day with seeming impunity.

A Wisconsin separated mother who fought against her state’s presumption of shared parenting now admits her folly. “My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives.” 

Integral – the completion of the whole – is the gift of the presumption of shared parenting.

An article in the Record this past year by Gordan Paul,  describes the 5 year, systemic journey of parents with the Family and Children’s Services. While the story lacks the family history, it outlines that the loss of their child appears to be based on an acknowledged erroneous drug test that triggered F&CS apprehension of their child. This family had now become unintended/intended (?) casualties of a failing system. 

 Justice Grant Campbell describes his findings in blunt terms to the parents of this 5 year old case: ‘‘although it will offer you little comfort, I apologize to you for the manner in which you have been treated, ignored, demeaned and disbelieved’.

 Justice Campbell is to be thanked for shining the light on this case, but where were the judges 5 years ago, 4 years ago, 3 years ago, etc.? It was in those years that the parents were ‘whipped unmercifully ’and robbed of their ‘departed vigor’.

 An interview of an Australian Family Law justice identifies an important failing in the Family Justice System and Child Welfare System.  Judges and child welfare don’t appear to be interested in knowing whether their intended outcome for cases before them turned out well or otherwise. They simply continue to believe what they believe. A case is closed and the intended outcome may or may not be achieved.

 Justice Campbell states explicitly that the patchwork child welfare system is ‘broken’. He also states that the future is only going to get worse in Waterloo Region and across the province. These are his observations, not this ‘biased’ observer.

Many separated parents/grandparents remember those weeks, months, and years where they were unable to ‘straighten up that bended body to its full height, such as it was when the children were around them’. Fond memories provide only momentary relief as they soon turn to tears of loss- wonderful moments can become the enemy.

Justice Campbell has provided an opportunity for those in Child Welfare and the Family Justice System to change a process that he and others have described as ‘unworkable ‘and ‘abusive’. The shame is that there has been no professional, public response to this case.

The following is a second excerpt from Twelve Years a Slave. 

 “The influence of the iniquitous system necessarily fosters an uncaring and unfeeling spirit, even in the bosoms of those who, among their equals, are regarded as humane and generous.”

“I can’t beat it!” – These are the words of parents worn out by a system that runs the clock until exhaustion and survival is all that is left.

 Providing support too late in the separating  process for vulnerable and wounded children, mothers, fathers and grandparents leaves too many ‘Lizas’ broken for the remainder of their life journey.

Silence sustains and protects the ‘system’. Defensiveness and denial maintain the unacceptable status quo. Transparency could provide sunlight and thus the opportunity to find creative solutions!

Father’s Day provides a timely excuse to examine whether fathers and paternal grandparents are recognized as an integral part of their child’s life, every day contributing to the completing of the whole child.

If the iniquitous system continues then the hand in hand connection of child to father to grandfather may be broken forever. I am reminded every day of that possibility when I am with my grandchildren. I understand Liza’s agony and the words, ‘I can’t beat it!’

Father’s Day is also grandfather’s day and a celebration of love forever, through whatever.

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

This is my son’s first Father’s Day and my first as a grandfather to Timothy. It is a fulfilling experience to see my son’s life filled with the love, joy, meaning and even trepidation on becoming dad. Welcome to our world son…forever!

Resource Recap: Judith Wallerstein on child development

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation, Parents

This post is part two of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts: book overview and Telling the Children for more.

The book by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

This summary article focuses in particular on divorce and child development from infancy to young adulthood.

Zero to Three

  • Most couples report that pregnancy is some of the happiest times of the marriage.
  • The arrival of the baby can act as a rival that can threaten the marriage.
  • The husband can feel hurt and angry if the wife spends more time and energy on the baby and ignores the husband.
  • The baby needs to establish confidence in the world around them and feel safe and secure.
  • Babies are sensitive to conflicts and tensions around them.
  • If a baby witnesses anger they will cry and shows signs of distress.
  • They may reject being fed or refuse going to sleep.
  • Postpartum depression is also a serious concern for the parents and they should seek professional advice if it occurs.
  • If the baby is restless, colicky or does not respond well to be comforted then the impacts of the divorce/troubled marriage are more severe.
  • There can be delays in the baby’s development.
  • The atmosphere that parents create for the child is important. Safety and trust are key or otherwise the child may feel unsafe, unprotected or helpless.
  • For the first few months it is important to be calm with yourself and around the baby.
  • For the early months you should get to know and love your child. The child needs to know they can absolutely count on you.
  • The parent- child bond needs time to grow
  • The mother’s ability to provide a supply of milk to the baby also depends on her being relaxed.
  • The father child relationship also needs support from the mother in the early months and years.
  • If one parent moves out the primary carve-giver should explain to the child that they will be back soon.
  • Babies are aware when a person they are used to seeing is gone.
  • Play with the father is important- young children look forward to this playful roughhousing.
  • Despite any difficulties between the parents they should both look to play an active role in the baby’s life.
  • Sometimes it might be needed to get help from another relative such as your mother or an in-law.
  • New caregivers should be eased in gradually into the child’s life.
  • They should be familiar with your baby and the routine that is in place.
  • A baby or toddler should not be put into daycare until at least a few months after the breakup. The child will need time to get used to the new setting.
  • Pay close attention to the child’s temperament for changes that may indicate the struggle that they may be dealing with.
  • Sometimes other obligations may need to be put on hold.
  • The parents should do their best to support each other despite their differences.
  • You should be loving and kind to your self. Remember and do those activities that provided relief for you in past stressful occasions. It is not a selfish step.

Three to Five

  • Children at this age tend to think the adults in their life are in control of everything.
  • A divorce can disturb the child’s sense of a secure world where all their needs are met.
  • They may wonder what will happen to them, who will feed them and who will take care of them.
  • Children at this age don’t comprehend how long a day or week is. When they don’t see someone for a week they think that person is gone for good.
  • They also don’t understand the sudden moodiness or irritability in parents or why they are no longer available for the activities the child used to enjoy such as being tucked in at night.
  • A child at this age wouldn’t understand that some disruptions in their routine may only be temporary.
  • They may wonder if one parent can leave the other, can both parents leave me? This is one of their main worries at this time.
  • The child can one day wake and suddenly one of the parents is gone. The child rarely knows about the divorce ahead of time. This is not uncommon especially if there is a triggering event. This can sometimes lead to long-term estrangement and alienation between a parent and child, especially if the child is 10+.
  • It is important to reassure the child that both parents are still there for them.
  • Younger children have few ways to comfort themselves and so they suffer more than older children.
  • The child can cling to the primary caregiver and refuse to stay in the daycare.
  • Their life at this time is high in anxiety.
  • Young children can be likely to believe that they are the cause of the divorce.
  • Children are not yet able to comprehend that two people can have differing opinions and personal differences.

Active Parenting Steps for this age group

  • Children at this age are very responsive to comforting. Soothing words and hugs are helpful but not always enough.
  • Children need more of their parent’s time because they are afraid they will be abandoned like the parents abandoned each other.
  • One of the best things to do for the child is to keep all the same routines going from before the divorce.
  • If the child is in day care, it might be helpful to spend a little more time with them at the beginning of the day before leaving from work.
  • It is also important to be on time when picking them up.
  • The parent should make an effort to stay at home most weeknights and spend time with the child.
  • The child should be encouraged to play with you and other children.
  • When you tuck in the child assure them you’ll be there in the morning to greet them.
  • If the child is fretful or asks for you to spend more time with them, you should do it.
  • Children like a routine and predictability. Let them know about something they can look forward to in the coming days.
  • A child needs a parent who can relax their fears about being abandoned.
  • It is okay to sleep with a child who is afraid of being alone or request it; but it should not be a regular routine. An important part of growing up is also learning independence and to separate from the parents at night.  If this continues for a prolonged period it will be very difficult for the child to fall asleep alone.
  • Younger children do better if any changes are introduced slowly.
  • Children who are resilient can handle multiple changes more easily- not many adults are resilient enough, nor are children at this age.
  • If you cannot take time off work or reduce your working hours it is important to find someone else who can provide affectionate care such as an in- law or your parents. The person left in charge should share your same values about how to care for the child. Difficult separations unfortunately often add one set of grandparents to the loss of essential relationships to children.
  • Sometimes older children may take on additional responsibilities.
  • Sometimes you can come home once in a while unannounced to check in.

Parenting Plans

Their parenting style needs to be more hands on and active in this age range.

  • The parents when creating an interim parenting plan and eventually a permanent plan need to consider carefully the child’s changing needs.
  • For a separated dad this may require changes in their time commitment to their child at a time when finances may be an issue. In some ways there is a dilemma for fathers who are paying substantial child support and what is suggested that they should do as a parent.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • It is a good idea to tell the child ahead of time about the separation.
  • “We both love you and will continue taking care of you” is a reassuring phrase for the child to hear.
  • Remember that abandonment is one of their main fears.
  • When you put the child to bed at night remind them you are close by, such as in the other room.
  • After you drop them off at daycare remind them you (or someone else) will be there to pick them up.
  • The child may also need to be reassured that both parents are well taken care of too. If dad is not there anymore the child may wonder if he is okay.
  • When travelling between the two homes treat the child with great tenderness and sensitivity.
  • What is just a short trip for the parent may be very frightening journey for the child.
  • It might be helpful to treat the transitions to the new home like the first day of school. Maybe point out the new landmarks on the way, like a church or store. This can make the journey less frightening.
  • If they enjoy this activity you can teach them to count things along the way like houses, blocks or mail boxes. A counting game can build confidence and take their mind off their worries.
  • Children are not just worried about leaving home but also returning.
  • Reassure the child you will be there when they get back. A phrase like “have a wonderful time” can be helpful.
  • It is good if the child knows what they will be doing with the other parent ahead of time.
  • Marking days on a calendar so they know where they will be spending which day is helpful. At five years old number skills and a grasp of time are better developed.
  • It is important to always repeat that you are there for the child and not going anywhere.

See our other resources on telling the children.

Six to Eight

  • Children at this time are living in two worlds. One is at home with you and the other is at school with his friends.
  • Now they begin to learn that games have rules and they can’t be changed.
  • They are having their first encounter with the discipline of the classroom and demands of learning.
  • They begin to understand more that mom and dad don’t control the world.
  • They are now capable of amusing themselves and feeding themselves if the parent puts out the food.  They can also go to sleep on their own.
  • If the divorce occurs at this time one of the biggest fears of the child is that his recent social advances may fail. Bedwetting and thumb sucking can reappear.  Regressing suddenly in many previously acquired skills/stages is not uncommon. Hopefully they will be short-lived through parental care over anger and criticism by either or both parents.
  • In order for their development to continue they need to feel secure and that they have a family they can count in.
  • They may feel angry and cranky and have difficulty focusing on school work.  It may also lead to violent behaviour and isolate them from other children at school.
  • They may worry that when they arrive at home you won’t be there.
  • If the dad is late to pick them up at an agreed time then they may think he will never arrive.
  • If mom is late coming home then they may think that mom has disappeared.
  • Whereas the fear in younger children might be “who will feed me” the fear now might be “where are my parents”.
  • The main reactions to divorce at this age tend to show up in the classroom or playground.
  • Their grades in school can suffer after a divorce and some children can lose up to a year.
  • At this age reading is the primary task that children learn, and it is made more difficult.
  • They may be afraid of one parent finding another family and that they will be replaced.
  • At this age children will still blame themselves for the divorce.
  • Children won’t make a connection between conflict and divorce.
  • Most parents will assume that a child at seven years old will recognize that arguments mean there is trouble in the marriage, but this is not the case.
  • The interim parenting plan almost always has one parent leaving the matrimonial home, even if the residence (home) is eventually sold. Most often it is the father unless the mother has left and taken the children to her parents’ home or to a temporary shelter.
  • Contact with the dad should quickly be arranged to reassure them that dad has not left for another family.
  • The father should set up a home where the child can visit and reside for parts of the week.
  • The visit to the new home should occur within a week or so of the breakup.
  • The child should be told as soon as possible about any new schedules of visitation.
  • If problem behaviours occur at school, it is important to sit down with the teacher and tell them about the divorce. The parent and the teacher need to work out a plan together for the child.
  • It is important to remember that the child is hurting and needs support. Patience and understanding are needed.
  • When the child’s behaviour improves you should reward them and give them praise.
  • The child needs to get back to their regular activities.
  • Continuing their work in the classroom and making friends is important in their development.
  • Sleepovers, birthday parties and other events with friends are important.
  • Extracurricular activities are important to maintain as well.
  • The child should know the phone number of both parents and how to reach them. The school should also know which parent to call in case of an accident or disruption in school.
  • Children at this age still need a lot of care. The regular schedule should continue to be maintained and reassurance should continue to be given.
  • Almost all the activities mentioned above are interrupted for the child in the early weeks and months as parents attempt to sort out even the basics of separated life with children.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • Children still need to hear all the same things as younger children: the divorce is not their fault and both parents still love and care for them.
  • They should also be encouraged with their school work and given help when needed.
  • Children may also need advice about handling problems they may have with friends or at school.
  • If the child is disruptive at school, they should be told that the behavior can’t be tolerated. Don’t let the child boss you around.
  • Boys may become disruptive at home or acting like their father. If they begin to yell then they should firmly be told to stop.
  • Children at this time have high anxiety so routines or appointments should not be changed abruptly.
  • Supporting the child’s extracurricular activities and friendships should be a priority. For example, paying for lessons or buying sports equipment.
  • Transportation is important for the events as well. If neither parent can drive them then perhaps ask another relative. If it is ultimately impossible then explain to the child how sorry you are and when things settle down you will try to make sure someone is available.
  • Children at this age may feel like they can’t have any friends over because there are no adults in the house after school. It is important to find someone who can be there at least once a week to greet and supervise the child and their friends.
  • The child needs encouragement from both parents to continue learning and enjoying new activities.
  • Parents can understand a child’s reasonable reaction by thinking about their reaction to not having an in-house parenting partner and a life that in the early stages is so busy and complicated.

Nine and Ten

  • Children at this age are in a new development stage. They are being drawn out further away from home and more into the world of their peers.
  • They can think for themselves and keep it separate from what others believe. They have more independence and responsibility.
  • They have also reached a skeptical stage where they may be critical of teachers and other adults. They expect adults to earn their respect.
  • Children at this age can think better about the future and moral issues.
  • They might get bored with the company of their parents and prefer to spend time with peers or other adults with specialized skills such as a coach.
  • They can read other people’s mood more accurately.
  • They begin to understand abstract concepts more and can understand their own behaviour and that of others.
  • With a divorce they will be upset with the disruptions in their home life.
  • They aren’t as concerned about who will take care of their physical needs as younger children.
  • The child expects the parents to provide the foundation for their life. To help support them but more “behind the scenes”. The child likes to take the center stage.
  • The divorce takes the attention away from the child.
  • Children at this age are more competent and can sense that adolescence is coming up soon.
  • While children may appear cool on the surface about the divorce, the anxiety levels are likely quite high.

Anger

As you read this section, be aware that you are entering the most ‘dangerous’ stage for parent-child estrangement or alienation. It is important to read the section on Alienation/Estrangement on parental behaviors that contribute to these tragic outcomes. Children are most vulnerable to a parent’s failings as they enter this and later stages.

  • The child believes they are the center of the family.
  • A key reaction to the divorce is anger.
  • The anger can be directed to one parent or both. They are upset they are not the center of attention anymore.
  • The child is afraid of losing the parents and the support they provide for the child’s development and growth.
  • The child may enlist younger siblings and begin to criticize the parents more.
  • They may begin to act more like the boss of the house.
  • The anger can become a problem at school and result in behaviours such as truancy, petty theft, or siding with one parent over the other.
  • The real goal is to force the parents to reverse the divorce.
  • The anger is usually directed to whichever parent the child feels is most responsible for the divorce.
  • The parent who gets attacked may not even be responsible for the divorce.
  • A lifetime of loving care can change overnight from the child’s anger.
  • They don’t understand the feeling and reasons that have led to the divorce.
  • The child at this age can be good at playing one parent against the other in order to get what they want. This works even better when the parents are divorced since there is less contact between the parents.
  • Each parent should make the rules in their own household.
  • If the stories the child says about one parent are ignored they will often stop.
  • The parents should not be drawn into the good guy, bad guy games the child might want to play.
  • It can be hard to see the anger from your child and being told that you are selfish.

Compassion

  • Even with the anger children at this age are worried about their parents.
  • They are learning to read body language and can be fairly accurate.
  • They may be eager to comfort you, hug you or sit beside you when you look like you are down.
  • Morality is important at this age and children care about what is right and wrong.
  • A growing child wants to respect his parents and see them as virtuous. When they see a parent doing something ‘wrong” it can cause them a great deal of suffering.
  • If the parent is involved in infidelity for example the child will confront them on it.
  • There is often considerable moral ambiguity for a child as well as parents who often send mixed and complicated messages i.e. I still love your mother (dad), but we can’t live together any longer.
  • While the child is a part of an ongoing family they feel safe and comfortable. This is threatened by the divorce.

Possible Steps

  • Clear rules against rude language, hitting and yelling should be insisted upon for both at school and at home.
  • It is important for the child to feel that the parent is in control.
  • Don’t become defensive and get caught in accusations.
  • Children at this age can form their own thoughts. Saying something against you doesn’t mean they were coached by the other parent (ex).
  • It is important to explain to the child that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. During the accusations it is possible you might lose your temper and yell at the child. That is okay but you should apologize afterwards and explain why it upset you.
  • Try not to feel guilty as a result of the accusations.
  • Time outs can sometimes help to deal with aggressive children.
  • Other children can get more withdrawn instead. They may prefer to just watch TV alone.
  • Some children may take a step back in development and they need serious attention if this happens. Professional help may sometimes be needed.
  • If the child is withdrawn, ask if they are sad or worried and why. Get more details from them. Maybe somebody at school is the cause.  See if there is any way that you can help.
  • Contacting the teacher to see how they are at school can be helpful.
  • The school can have a list of experts who work with children or the pediatrician can be helpful as well.
  • If you consider taking your child to someone, look at their training and experience first. See if you can arrange to talk with the person first and then decide if they are a good fit.
  • Help should be sought out prior to the onset of adolescence if it is needed.
  • Parents who continue to fight or talk negatively about the other parent can be subject to a child’s rejection. The chances are that the negative words don’t match up with the child’s reality. It takes constant verbal abuse (alienation) to emotionally reject their other parent.
  • Parents need to treat each other with civility.
  • You want the child to grow up and be moral and considerate in their relationships.
  • Some parents forget the importance of being a role model after divorce.
  • It is an important time to behave morally and sensibly.
  • Moral authority is needed to help guide the child into adolescence.
  • New love affairs are better kept discreet for the time being. Children at this age won’t have the frame of reference to understand or sympathize with you. In our section on ‘Blended families’ there is a discussion about dating and telling the children and the children’s other parent.
  • If the ex has left and made no attempts to contact the children, it is important to comfort them and be honest with them.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Talk with your child about current and future plans that might include their friends or make plans with other families to go out and have fun.
  • If the child engages in theft, take them back to the store right away to return the items.
  • If the child is truant at school, make sure they know attending school is a non-negotiable expectation.
  • Be clear and direct about what is expected in terms of behaviour.
  • If the child is blaming one of the parents for the divorce, don’t try to explain how they are wrong or try to offer more details about the breakup. Sit the child down and tell them when things settle down you can explain more.
  • Acknowledge any concern from your child or efforts to help. “It means a lot to me that you are concerned. You are a wonderful son/daughter and I love you”.
  • Keep an eye on the child’s schedule and make sure they have enough time for play and friends.
  • Cultivate a sense of ongoing family as soon as possible – that is the purpose of the resources shared in the Resource Hub.
  • Set up recreational activities you can do together such as: camping, dining, bowling.
  • Include your child’s friends when possible.
  • The parents can each help the child on homework and assignments. The task can be divided up based on each parent’s strength.
  • Set an example of courage, honesty and respect for your child. At this age they can keep you on your toes in being strong and maintain high ethical standards.
  • Children at this age can tolerate being away from you for a day or two. After the first year it is okay to give yourself the occasional weekend off to relax and recharge.
  • Don’t overreact to a child’s anger.
  • Your job is to protect the child and keep them on course to adolescence.
  • They need structure, kindness and rules. They need to understand the post divorce family is still strong and stable.

Eleven to Thirteen

  • The reaction to divorce at this age can be anything and varied. The adolescent might be in full blown panic or show indifference. Either way they are likely to be surprised or taken aback by the news.
  • They are capable of shielding their feelings from you and themselves.
  • After twelve to twenty hours the initial panic tends to subside.
  • Some children may have the impulse to run away.
  • There is a lack of age-related symptoms in this group. The behaviours shown by children of this age can be more difficult to manage.
  • Next to early childhood this is maybe the most hazardous time for a child to experience divorce.
  • The most common reaction can be a rush into risky teenage behaviour.
  • They may believe the divorce has lessened the rules and lifted constraints, so they may get involved in more risky behavior. This includes unprotected sex and drug use.
  • There can also be a denial that there is any effect on them from the divorce. It is more common in children who do well in school where they get a lot of recognition.
  • Some children indeed do seem unaffected and continue to move forward as usual. At a later time they may be willing to talk about it.
  • If the child is doing well in school and does appear to be unaffected there is no need to force a conversation. Instead wait for them to come to you.
  • If you can recapture your old feeling during adolescence you will have a better idea of what the child is feeling.
  • There are differences in development between the genders. In general, both will experience hormonal changes, rising sexual urges and a need for more independence and separation.
  • Risks seem to excite them, and their judgment is poor.
  • Children need a strong stable family and good parenting.
  • No matter how you announce it, divorce weakens the family.
  • Two parents living separately is not a secure family.
  • The parents might be focusing more on themselves and the divorce and less on the child. The child can feel alone and unprotected.
  • Without the active guidance and strict limits from adults, adolescents can be more tempted into trouble behaviour by peers.
  • There are all kinds of groups and cliques in the late grades and high school and the child will be tempted to join one of them.
  • The child will find it difficult to talk to the parents about their anxiety since the parents are also dealing with their own issues.
  • If the child feels like the world is collapsing, they are more likely to be drawn into troubling behaviour.
  • Children from divorced families are more easily influenced than those from intact families.
  • Girls in particular can have more mood fluctuations. Support from the parents is important and they need to hear what growing up is like, and the importance of self esteem. They need boundaries that will keep them safe.
  • They need to hear from their father about what growing up was like and that there is more to becoming a man than just getting muscles.
  • Again while these are standard observations for adolescents in an intact family as well, the evidence suggests that the risks are heightened for separating families. It also can lead to a parental blame game. In addition children in these early adolescent stages can become receptive to choosing the ‘other’ parent. There is an alternative out there for many.

Possible Steps

  • Try to keep the home as safe as possible and keep routines as consistent as you can.
  • Enforce the rules and teach them to look and listen instead of making quick judgments and acting on impulse.
  • A general expectation should apply; namely, that the care parent specifically, and the other parent hopefully will know where the child is. But the same expectation is true for the adolescent child- they too know where their parents are and have access to reaching them. I believed strongly in that expectation in my intact family, in my co-parenting family and in my reconstituted family. Adolescents often need you and rarely are those times predictable or on your schedule. It is called choosing to be a parent.
  • Coming home nightly to an empty house can terrify them.
  • Without home supervision they can get into risky behaviours.
  • Try to provide some structure at home.
  • Too much freedom is not helpful to the child at this time.
  • It might be possible to provide some kind of job for them such as babysitting.
  • If the child works for you, you should pay a standard rate.
  • Volunteer work in the community can also be helpful. It can help to build a sense of responsibility and compassion.
  • Kids at this age can learn to do simple cooking, gardening and cleaning.
  • A cell phone can be a good tool for children who don’t come straight home from school. It is important to know where the children are but not to ask too many details as they may feel you don’t trust them. When they check in thank them and let them know you appreciate it.
  • If you are held up somewhere and will be late you should also let the child know. Extend the same courtesy you would expect from them and lead by example.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Although the child may pretend that they understand certain adult issues, at this time it is likely beyond their comprehension.
  • If the child asks you about any new partners or affairs you shouldn’t lie to the child, but keep details to a minimum.
  • It is important to have conversations with your child. Even if it feels they are not listening they can hear your message. You are showing that you do have interest in them.
  • There are rules and you expect the child to follow the standard of behaviour you have layed out. It is easier to talk with your child if you have a closer relationship. Use humour if you can.
  • Don’t withdraw even if they appear not to listen.
  • It’s important to talk about moral issues but also be honest with your mistakes if they point them out.
  • Moms can help daughters by being a loving sympathetic parent, not a buddy. Listen patiently as they tell you about any problems they may have.
  • Dads can also have a close relationship with their sons. A boy at this age needs a parent to respect, not a pal.
  • Both genders need parents who are not afraid to talk about moral values, love, friendships and loyalty.
  • If the child finds out about an affair you had before the divorce they may confront you on it. It’s important to be honest about it.
  • Your goal is that your child feels comfortable in asking questions and getting straight answers.
  •  Both parents should discuss birth control and safe sex.
  • Children need actual information on these issues and not just prohibitions from their parents.
  • Children also need to be taught about drugs, smoking and alcohol.
  • It is important to keep the children on track and make sure they grow up into moral and loving adults.
  • Adolescence can be a perilous time for every child and even more so when the family is weakened by divorce.
  • Keep communication open with your child. They should know you are ready to talk and listen if they have any problems.

See our post on separation and older children for more on development stages.

Resource recap: Alienation readings

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, During Separation

For more on alienation see the Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation.

Please find below just about everything that you never wanted to know, but need to know, about alienation and estrangement. The readings are in different sections, but are obviously intimately connected.

These cases have been the most troubling in my 20+ years working with alienated/estranged parents. The impact is heartbreaking for the parent and grandparents of the impacted child(ren). Many stepfamilies are unable to survive the stress.

It is common (understandable) to become obsessed in this kind of situation and be focused on what is happening and not on how to mitigate the impact through positive steps. Remaining healthy through the chaos of alienation is perhaps the most important survival tool for a parent.

The following are possible resources that may help you under stand what is taking place in your life. Understanding is a first step because friends may simply think it is just you being angry – ‘you have lost it!’ One link below includes a survey to help you determine what you are facing and therefore set out an approach to limit the impact.

External resources and tools

The following tools were created by organizations or professionals that support separated/separating families.

  1. Explaining Alienation (PAS), Estrangement, Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP)
  2. Parental Alienation Syndrome – a questionnaire for self assessment
  3. Hostile Aggressive Parenting – a questionnaire for self assessment
  4. Parental Alienation- Information Page for the Alienated Parent (Gene C. Colman); Mr. Colman is a noted lawyer and advocate/researcher on this topic.
  5. Parental Alienation Cases: Will the courts switch custody? (Gene c. Colman); Look up other research done by Mr. Colman for more on this topic
  6. Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It (J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh – experts in this area).
  7. Parenting After Separation Participant’s Manual – Section C – The Alienated Child Family Law in Alberta
  8. Campaign: Ask DSM to Include Parental Alienation in Upcoming Edition (Fathers and Families)
  9. Parenting Plan for High Conflict Families (Parenting After Separation Alberta). A resource to prevent escalation of conflict.
  10. That toxic tug of war (Globe & Mail, April 24, 2009 by Justice Harvey Brownstone). This Justice speaks out on what he sees in his court and his solution for changing outcomes.
  11. Hague convention (Government of Canada). This is the ‘world court’ that governs international child abduction.
  12. Parental Alienation – Keeping Families Connected; A resource to identify, battle and recover from the devastating effects of PA and PAS.

Case studies

Actual situations that capture the tragic impact of different forms of alienation.

Kids ‘n’ Dad posts on alienation

The following essays submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dads from our clients reflect the many impacts of alienation on all family members.

Readers may also find Barry’s Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent useful as a tool to help reconnect an adult child and parent.

Final comments on alienation

Depression, individual and extended family, is very common for families in high conflict cases. The recommended resources provide an incomplete range of outcomes. Remember the tragic outcomes can often be for a lifetime. Seek out professional support for your family early on (warning signs noted), make sure that the support has a two parent strategy in place and what that looks like.

Families are profoundly harmed in these situations. Don’t get caught up in PAS debate. It is the behaviors that impact children and alienated family members. Review the resources in Section 1 and check off actual observed behaviors. This will help you understand your situation and to identify what next steps need to be taken.

Please look over the entire site for different topics that may help you understand what is taking place. Sometimes we jump too quickly to a PAS diagnosis when some steps by the other parent fall into dull to normal actions by a separating parent trying to put in place two home boundaries e.g. changing the locks on the matrimonial home

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

An Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Before Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.

The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.

How alienation happens

It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.

How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.

The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.

 It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.

Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.

In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling.  The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.

Case study: Penny and her parents

Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court.  As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.

The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!

 Comments on the case

The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.

The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.

It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.

The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.

The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.

Note the following about Penny’s case

  • The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
  • The tragic impact on their daughter;
  • The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
  • The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
  • The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
  • Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
  • The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
  • The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
  • Grandparents’ loss over the years.

There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge.  He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.

What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.

In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.

Alienation or estrangement?

How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.

 If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.

The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.

The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.

The legal system and alienation

False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.

 Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).

A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.

The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.

A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.

Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness

Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.

Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.

While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts   for future parenting.

These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

Domestic Violence, Intimate Partner Abuse/Violence

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Note: This paper was composed years ago to understand the complexity and broad range of issues within this topic. It is a resource list – some may be dated, however most are educational and comprehensive.

Do your own research. Find support services to help in your recovery if a victim or a perpetrator.

There are many difficult issues connected to any discussion of this topic, and it is specifically so in a family setting. Once violence or other forms of abuse become public the intimate relationship is likely to end and the intact family is likely going to come to an abrupt end.

** There are programs available from counselling, the John Howard Society and Family and Children Services to name a few that may calm the family situation.

I am writing this as someone who has two adult daughters and one adult son, and several granddaughters and grandsons. My wish is that they live in an environment free from being victimized by abusive behaviors or from being an individual who commits abusive acts.

In the recommended resources, there are several articles on signs a) of abusive behaviors; b) of being a victim; c) of gender abuse against women and/or men; d) of support services designed to protect victims, etc.

In our work at Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support and through this website our mission is to find approaches that prevent such behaviors and ensures children remain connected to each parent and extended family.

Please read carefully the materials provided below. An intimate relationship breakdown, even in relationships with no history of abusive behavior, can precipitate high risk/volatile situations once the separation is initiated and during the difficult, early weeks and months.

Finding supports for these initial discussions re: separating may be necessary and appropriate for families who have experienced volatility during their relationship. The worst potential outcomes for children, parents and extended families may occur in the way you end the intimate relationship.

Below are resources over a comprehensive range of topics on Domestic Violence. They were done a few years ago but set out potential direction for matching your situation.

What is relationship conflict or abusive behavior?

Below are recommended resources to understand these issues.

Possible Actions/Supports

An Open Letter to Parents Creating a Blended Family

On By BarryIn After Separation, Open Letter, Parents, Uncategorized

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

Everything about taking a step toward creating a new blended family is complicated, confusing and even confounding. What seems like a straightforward step to begin exploring the possibility of a new, intimate relationship often brings unexpected and unpredictable strains.

Remember the first rule of a family separation: EVERY FAMILY RELATIONSHIP UNDERGOES DRAMATIC CHANGES AND RISKS! In addition the risks are not limited to immediate family but also to every caring relationship in your family circle.

For many separating parents there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. As such there is often a personal need to find someone to care for and someone who reaffirms our value as a loving person and a caring parent. Our self-portrait often has taken a beating in the months before and after a separation. Putting yourself out in this setting feels risky and to be truthful is risky.

It is good to remember that there are other paths to personal recovery (renewal) before introducing an even more complicated post-separation environment. The message is simply to have your eyes wide open.

For this section I am going to deal with concerns that impact Family Renewal and your possible journey to building a new blended/complicated family.

When do you start dating?

This is a complicated question. Research informs us that in general men/fathers begin dating considerably sooner than women/mothers following a separation. There is a negative explanation around this that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’ at last.

The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. The reasons appear to be that more dads are living outside the matrimonial home without their children most of the time. This same study suggests that the intact family is the main source of support for dads and the separation is a two prong assault on who they are. Dating is an understandable outcome.

 This question would have little importance if each of us was an independent adult- we are separated aren’t we? We are BUT the ending of intimacy often is less defined for each party in a separation.

The beginning of any dating is a statement to your ‘former’ intimate partner and to your children that the return of the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement- intended or otherwise- that you are moving your life forward in this area of life.

This is not about finding fault for ‘moving on’ too soon or for isolating oneself out of fear to take a risk. Whatever the choice one needs to be prepared for very human outcomes.

Children often hold on to the hope that the intact family that they have only known will return/ get back to normal. They may believe that such a reunion would end the grief and sorrow of one or both of their parents. Even a ‘normalcy’ that was by all measures considerably unhappy is something familiar and manageable to them. When you look at the disruption that has entered their life through the parents’ choice this is understandable.

Most people enter into a serious post separation relationship at some time. Many parents may put off a formal separation and the beginning of a new home until their children are of an age that they deem more suitable. But one of the discoveries in our work with 100’s of separating parents is the young (toddler) age of their children for many separating families. Few parents are going to delay serious relationships for 10-20 years. Parenting in a blended/complicated family is a significant challenge for the new partners and every parenting relationship.

If you have child (ren) then a serious dating relationship is complicated. Making ‘mistakes’ is inevitable so you need to be able to forgive yourself, recover and learn along the way. Avoid past mistakes and angry outbursts. Try to understand the basis for these outbursts for they can have serious repercussions on your children and your children’s other parent.

So we are back to the original question – when do you start dating?

When you are ready! I am sure that you are grateful for my answer. You need to sort this out based on your readiness and the impact on those that matter to you. Another relationship concern involves your dating partner. Are your dating goals similar or very different? Are you honest with that person about your relationship intentions? Of course you may not know yourself in the early stages but at some point you will sense your own and your new relationship’s long term goal.

I dated early and we are now in our 24th year of a complicated new family. It was an uneasy (on-going chaos) and interrupted courtship. I began dating without understanding the impact and consequences that it would have on my new partner, children and others that I cared for. On the other hand I have found a wonderful life partner for myself and my children and grandchildren.

Included in the resources are personal essays by myself and others that hopefully will provide some needed insight for you on the topic of new, complicated (blended) families.

Questions

Telling the children:

Honesty is preferable…probably. There is a tendency to be shy/hesitant about revealing that you are dating. Consider that the other side of the coin is to not tell them. What are the possible consequences of remaining silent? They are not particularly praiseworthy. Obviously the age of the children may play a part. Judgment is more likely to come from children who are tween, adolescence or even young adults. Your relationship is also more vulnerable with these age groups. They likely have a working relationship with their other parent. So keeping a secret from your former intimate partner will be short-lived once the children are in the loop. Revealing that you are dating is not the same as initiating a meeting between your children and a dating partner.

So I am in support of a two stage plan re: the children. 1. Discuss age appropriately that you are considering beginning to date. Give some lead time. 2. If you begin dating then keep them in the loop including basic information. Limit the details. The length of the relationship will prompt enough attention to move to the next step of introducing the children. This next step may be timed differently for each child based on their age, readiness and willingness.

See tagged posts for more readings on Telling the Children.

Telling your former intimate partner of your children/shared parenting partner:

It is a mouthful, but clearly for a reason. This relationship is clearly complicated and needs to be an on-going parenting success for you and your children. We have decided that keeping a dating relationship secret is difficult at best for any length of time. So I believe that the identical approach as employed with the children should be followed. I would add a pre- step; namely, that both parties should acknowledge the dating possibility for either intimate partner in the future. This conversation may result in an agreed to voluntary ‘grace period’ before any dating occurs to allow for any change in the decision by one or the other former partners.

 The future is uncertain but transparency is surely what we can do for our children.

There are no guaranteed reactions from you child (ren) or the other parent. Sometimes a negative reaction of the child triggers a negative reaction from the other parent even when we have handled the matter with apparent care. Changing the children’s response may require patience and sensitivity. If it is entirely a child’s reaction professional support may be necessary. On the other hand if the negative reaction appears to be parent driven it may become a more serious parenting concern. A child may be caught in the middle and be used as a weapon against the other parent. Anxiety is the characteristic most likely observed by the other parent. The parenting conflict is over the cause of the anxiety- dating or the other parent’s response to dating or the child’s particular make-up or etc.

**A very common cause for interrupted parenting is a child’s anxiety to do sleepovers. The cause for the anxiety is almost always unclear and speculative. It can go on for a long time before normal parenting arrangements are reinstated with a therapist’s blessing.

Your former intimate partner’s reaction to your dating may bring out contradictory behavior. They may be dating but consider your dating to be unacceptable. The difficulty sometimes has consequences on shared parenting/sleepovers. A common reason or ‘excuse’ may be that the child doesn’t want to see you when in fact it is your former partner driving this outcome.

 Dating and serious dating may trigger what I call the ‘great fear’ of every parent; namely, losing our parenting relationship. Warning signs are available often immediately and this may lead to interrupted parenting or even confrontations in front of the child during pick-ups and returns. It can be a high risk time and necessary protective steps (a witness) might be required to ensure safety for all.

Dating is a ‘normal’ next step. One parent’s readiness to engage in such should not be subject to a parenting sanction. Pangs of hurt, jealousy or envy are normal enough but our role as a parent is to place our love for our child ahead of reckless reactions. If this is too difficult then professional support must be found ASAP. Long-term harm and criminal behavior (stalking) are too common behaviors.

The greatest gift that a parent can give their child in their complicated life is your endorsement/blessing to enjoy their time in their other parent’s new home! If you have young children each parent is likely going to have new relationships in their lives. It is emotionally difficult; however it is our parenting role to manage the emotional side of our behavior for our children.

My Complicated Family Turns 20: December 2013           

On By BarryIn After Separation, Holidays

            Barry and family at the holidays

‘For me, as the woman and new wife behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to fight this battle. I love my husband and my son loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay; but I’m very tired…almost all the time.’

– Excerpt from My Family Matters…Too! written by a subsequent partner, mother and stepmother

Twenty years ago (Dec. 4, 1993) I took the marital plunge for the second time. It was the first marriage for my wife. 

About a month ago I turned to my wife as we were appropriately watching an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ and blurted out: “You realize this anniversary is a small miracle”.

She was silent for a moment and replied: “ A small miracle?” 

She was correct. I used to cry a lot. I could often be found rocking in my only real piece of furniture (no legs missing), facing inward toward the wall. I was a mess, a poor risk.

This past year I met many new couples struggling to build an enduring relationship following a dad’s separation.

The underlying fear (may last forever) for a separated dad is that their relationship with their children is at risk. The fear only recedes during their weekend or midweek parenting. The children’s return to mom’s house brings an eerie silence to his place. Silence has become his enemy!

It is the difficult task of a non-custodial parent to reconcile and accept the parenting inequity. They have to learn to deal with the pain…for their child’s sake… for their own sake …and for the sake of any new relationship. 

The challenge to a serious, intimate relationship is managing these intertwined relationships: namely, to maintain/rebuild the dad-child relationship and to build a loving, enduring, new partnership through the chaos and unpredictability. 

 The shame is that many loving relationships are unable to navigate safe passage. 

Many dads almost immediately stumble into being a non-custodial (part-time) parent. A legal system that takes pride in so called ‘no fault’ divorce makes judgments and choices about parenting. A father intent on securing calm for his children is often left on the outside, his face pressed against the window to his children’s lives.

In the non-custodial parent’s life, holidays and birthdays with children are rarely celebrated on the actual date. Information (school, medical) on his children often is delivered second hand, weeks late or not at all.  A non-custodial parent may feel like an intruder in their children’s school, even in their lives. 

New partners face the same challenging complications of unpredictability only with an additional layer of angst- their views on parenting and what they need as a couple are often treated as less important, less relevant by a dad dealing with the heightened risk of parenting loss. 

‘You are important, you are a parent, you still have a family.’    

– Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House

         

The Christmas season was/is a reflection of our family’s 22+-year journey through the chaos and madness to our family’s version of calm. I offer this as a tribute to my wife and the other new life partners who have helped dads find love, companionship and calm through the madness.

During my first Christmas outside the matrimonial home I agreed to return for gift opening and Christmas dinner (including my extended family). A reasonable thing to do? The reality was that it was about pretending that nothing had changed when everything had changed. It had costs for everyone.

The second Christmas was to be about a lesson learned. I would only open gifts with the children in the matrimonial home. No Christmas dinner. That meant my first Christmas dinner since forever without my children. My parents added another complication with their arrival for gifts and dinner. By that evening my thoughts kept repeating: ‘my children, my matrimonial home, my parents, and where am I again?’ Feelings of loneliness, despair and betrayal overcame me. The rocking chair became my home!

In some ways Christmas also mirrored life during our courtship. There were occasions when dating paused with no guarantees of a restart. I thought that my responsibility was to fix (end) everyone’s pain. My wife laughs now at my use of the term courtship and asks, “Did I miss it? When was it?”

My wife’s gifts during the ‘courtship’ stage were life changing! 

Her faith and constant reassurance that I was a caring man and a loving father came at a time when I questioned everything about myself. She was my partner to recovery.

By Christmas #3 we were married (just three weeks earlier). What should have been a joyful moving-on Christmas was flat and empty. My father had a stroke two months earlier and he never recovered. The chaos of the post-separation had left our family wounded and now claimed my father as a victim. 

Christmas #4 and #5 were to be our coming out party. We would have a family brunch – a Lillie tradition. We fretted that no one would show up. I insisted that everything should be the way (actually identical) the children were used to. We couldn’t risk doing something different. I can only wonder now why my wife didn’t sit me on my rocking chair with the following order: “Don’t move until you see the error of your ways.”

Recognizing my error was incredibly important. New traditions enrich your children’s lives. It was also about my acknowledging my wife’s grace, style, humour, intelligence, wisdom, etc. to my children. Just as she displayed her faith in the wounded me, it was my time to demonstrate my faith in her.

Over the years there have been even more difficult occasions when she called me out for my failure to find the balance between a dad’s ‘original fear’ (the one that never leaves) and making our relationship all it should be. Each occasion was a reminder that the journey is now our shared journey and the risks are now our shared risks.

As I look back, I realize that my children came to respect her for what she gave to me and her unique, valued contribution to their lives. They understand now as adults the difficulty of her journey and the sacrifices she made along the way. Their acknowledgment of such was an important step for her and me,

Our family will now gather for our umpteenth Xmas brunch in our no-longer-large-enough condo (with all the children and grandchildren) and all the trappings and beauty brought to our home by my wife. I will likely cry – a tradition. They will be tears of joy for our family’s miracle; and tears shed for those of you still on the uncertain path to your own complicated family.

The family home that I was at a loss to build during the early separation became dad’s house 20 years ago on December 4th, 1993.  I soon realized that ‘we might have something pretty good here’ when my children referred to our place as ‘dad and Elaine’s home’.   

A miracle?

A few weeks ago, as we left the theatre on a cold, dreary evening. My arm dropped by my side and her hand instinctively found mine. My thought was that the ‘miracle or not’ was revealed in that act – that we were able to find each other’s hand in the best of times, but even more importantly during the inevitable chaos and adversity.

My Christmas and New Year’s hope is that everyone who is part of the Kids ‘n’ Dad extended family may find their way to build a dad’s home and even more. 

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

From Day Care to JK to Secondary School Graduation to Victory Lap to Post Secondary Programs

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Parents

“The school years for children and their separated parents are often a reflection of the manner in which the parents invite or disinvite the other parent to be a parenting partner in the children’s lives.”

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

I recollect receiving a call from a support group father that his JK daughter was about to participate in her first Christmas school concert-renditions of Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman were to be the evening fare. He asked if he should go. He worried that everyone in their small community would know that he and the mother were now separated, for they would be visibly sitting apart.

I, not so politely, told him to get his ‘derriere’ to his child’s concert. The day after the concert he called with joy in his heart. It was as If, at least for the moment, he became a parent reborn.

I often remind parents in our annual Christmas newsletter that they should not forfeit the joy of being with their child and all the other parents and grandparents in this school gathering. It can be sometimes difficult and even painful. Parents facing a form of estrangement may find it too overwhelming; but forfeiting your role as a parent in the school setting sends an early, wrong message to your child and the other parent.

Professionals suggest that many fathers surrender too easily when faced with the indignity of being on the outside of these common school events.

For the dad in the above situation, with a child at the beginning of their school life, it was vital that he begins the journey in step with his child.

Why the school is a significant other in your parenting life?

  • Teachers are sources of insight re: you child at every age.
  • Teachers spend more time with your child than many parents do, even in an intact family for some age groups.
  • For separating families, behavioral issues may be spotted by the schoolteacher and coaches. In secondary school, issues such as truancy, lates, etc. may suddenly appear on a report card. Often a parent with less parenting time may not see the report card to become aware of these concerns.
  • Secondary schools are not always the best at ensuring that both parents see their child’s report card- even the majority parenting time parent may not receive the final report card.
  • As a former secondary teacher, I am somewhat ashamed at my/our indifference to do an effective job in supporting children and both separated parents in their difficult journey.
  • In the resources, there are some suggestions re: father involvement and better outcomes for children. In most separated families, fathers have reduced parenting time and less opportunity to influence outcomes.
  •  The school staff is even more important as a source of insight for a parent with less parenting time.
  • Schools, in general, have no policy or programs to include fathers in their students’ lives. Schools get used to mothers, often as the voice for the child, through their regular participation within the intact family. Mothers may be reluctant to communicate ‘problems’ to the other parent in fear of it reflecting back on them or a fear of causing a parenting conflict.
  • School trip supervision provide an opportunity for the ‘other’ reduced time parent to be a full participant in their child’s school day. This will allow them to 1) build a relationship with the teacher(s) in their child’s school life; b) to meet their child’s school friends; c) to be proudly displayed by their child, and for the child to see their parent in a different setting; d) etc. It is a significant parenting opportunity.
  • These opportunities should be shared by joint and shared care parents. Even in ‘sole’ custody arrangements, this should be included in the parenting agreement.
  • Updates on activities, notices and class work, where possible, should be provided to both parents. This may require what I call ‘polite relentlessness’. Teachers are busy and this adds another small step to their life. It also means that you think it is important. It is too easy to let it slide and could result in loss of parenting credibility.
  • In the intact family, you often shared school responsibilities together. You worked as a team. Now you are no longer the same team and the other parent, at best, doesn’t necessarily see it as there parenting role to keep you on top of everything school.
  • The bottom line is that even 50% parenting time (shared) requires a commitment to certain school activities as if you are a single-family parent.
  • By the way that is the mentality that you need. Leaving it to the other parent doesn’t cut it.

Other School Issues

  1. Decision-making re: school. There are decisions required over a range of different topics, concerns. They vary depending on the age of the child; e.g. program selection i.e. French immersion, school activities, counselling needs, etc. Separated parents with joint custody parenting agreements need an agreed to process for working these issues out together. They should be set out in the separation agreement/parenting plan.
  2. Parenting plans should have an annual review in August or earlier to look at the upcoming school year. Try to anticipate extraordinary expenses and consider any changes to the parenting plan that allow it to work better for everyone e.g. changes in work schedule, before or after school needs, rearranging parenting days, etc.
  3. New complicated (blended) families. The role of the stepparent evolves depending on the relationship with the other family and the stepparent’s relationship with stepchildren. The issues can be about the stepparent picking up the stepchildren at school or attending parents’ night. The comfort level of everyone can be involved in the stepparent’s decision. It can be a decision that causes difficulties for the stepparent. Children can also feel caught in the middle. It is also important that the role of the stepparent as a parent of record for pick up on certain days is known by the school for younger children.
  4. There needs to be clear understanding by the school of the priority for calls re: a child’s illness during the school day.
  5. Extraordinary expenses appear in different sections. Again, the Aug. review is the appropriate place for determining shared expenses, not included in the child support. They are not clear, and the Child Tax Benefit may also be considered depending on the parenting plan. Extraordinary expenses for most families (limited means) are a difficult test for parents. Other factors that impact parenting in the long haul are loss of a job, shutdowns and layoffs. It is important to include in the separation agreement a process that humanly approaches these kinds of common situations.
  6. The end of secondary school has a few more wrinkles for separating parents. Child support ends at the end of secondary school- usually in the child’s 18th year. There are many children who require another year for completion and/or choose to upgrade or part-time school to play a fall or winter sport. The latter is sometimes called a victory lap. It can be a difficult parenting decision, even for intact families i.e. a collective decision by parents and child.
  7. In a separated family, where child support is paid by a parent, there is an added implication of another year of payments to the recipient parent for the child if the above occurs. It may become debateable re: the worthiness of this decision for the child.
  8. A child after the completion of secondary school should be taking care of their own expenses by working if they are not doing a post-secondary educational program. Common-sense needs to be employed; but many children have drifted away from the paying parent and may feel estranged or distant from that parent. Navigating the ‘end of school’ should begin early. Read up on the legal responsibility in more detail, so that you are prepared for this possibility. The separation agreement should anticipate this common situation and put in place a process to resolve differences.

 Drifting in hope that it goes away can be an expensive choice

  • Post-Secondary programs: In general, the parenting responsibility for a paying parent is an obligation to the completion of the first degree or diploma. If the child continues school immediately after secondary school, payments continue. The additional costs each year is a bit messy.
  •  Some justices have employed a 1/3 responsibility for each parent and the child. This is somewhat of a negotiation. In addition, there is considerable financial support in Ontario for students in general and students with less means. Parents should be in contact with the child’s school, preferably two years ahead, to ensure a full understanding of all financial possibilities. Many parents, with limited means, should have their child consider post-secondary schooling within the Region.
  • The conversation needs to be had with the child early on, in order to make them aware of the financial reality. Early on allows for all parties to work toward the needed support for the child.
  • Many separating families have toddler age children. Beginning an RESP should be explored as early as possible. It obviously can be a very difficult time financially; however this may also be at time to include grandparents or other significant supports. RESP’s present a rare opportunity to receive ‘free’ money from the government toward your child’s education.
  • Ending child support is another messy situation. As stated earlier, it can end at 18 upon the child completing secondary school. Some children take a year off and plan to return to school with some savings (?) from a year of work.
  •  In our view, the payer should no longer make payments during this work year. We do not know if the child does return to school until they do. I would suggest that the payer parent set aside some/all of the child support payment previously paid in anticipation that the child does what was intended. This will allow for some financial flexibility.
  • Unfortunately, the possibilities at this age and stage of late adolescence are unlimited. Parents and child would be better off if they agreed to a common approach based on everyone’s financial position. Payments of child support to a parent would be completed. The parents and child work out a plan of support that includes the child’s financial contribution through work or student loans. Bursaries, scholarships and grants would be considered assessing the yearly financial costs. It is our contention that everyone is better off if they are full participants in the discussion and outcome. Each parent has an on-going interest in their child’s success. While this approach may not be in strict adherence of Family law, our collective experience suggests it is a more fruitful approach for most families in the long-term.
  • End of Child Support: If the parents agree to the idea in #9 or #13, then child support should be terminated. If it is done through FRO, the recipient parent provides their consent by signing off with FRO. The parents will implement their new post-secondary plan.
  • The recipient parent should consent to terminate child support payments following the completion of 1st degree or diploma or similar accepted program. Failure to do so is fraudulent behavior.

Comment: There is a place for common-sense in the financials connected to schooling. A good working relationship with the other parent works for the child and parents. There is almost always limited financial means.

 Selfishness rarely works in the long run.

At this stage- the launch into independence-initiates the time for the young, adult child to have a more responsible relationship with each parent.

Looking for more resources on education? Check out the Development and School sections under the General Parenting Resources on the Audience page.