Category: After Separation

Resource Recap: Judith Wallerstein on child development

On By BarryIn After Separation, Children, During Separation, Parents

This post is part two of our three-post series summarizing What about the Kids, a seminal book on separation and parenting. See the other posts: book overview and Telling the Children for more.

The book by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes here that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

This summary article focuses in particular on divorce and child development from infancy to young adulthood.

Zero to Three

  • Most couples report that pregnancy is some of the happiest times of the marriage.
  • The arrival of the baby can act as a rival that can threaten the marriage.
  • The husband can feel hurt and angry if the wife spends more time and energy on the baby and ignores the husband.
  • The baby needs to establish confidence in the world around them and feel safe and secure.
  • Babies are sensitive to conflicts and tensions around them.
  • If a baby witness anger they will cry and shows signs of distress.
  • They may reject being fed or refuse going to sleep.
  • Postpartum depression is also a serious concern for the parents and they should seek professional advice if it occurs.
  • If the baby is restless, colicky or does not respond well to be comforted then the impacts of the divorce/troubled marriage are more severe.
  • There can be delays in the baby’s development.
  • The atmosphere that the parents creates for the child is important. Safety and trust are key or otherwise the child may feel unsafe, unprotected or helpless.
  • For the first few months it is important to be calm with yourself and around the baby.
  • For the early months you should get to know and love your child. The child needs to know they can absolutely count on you.
  • The parent- child bond needs time to grow
  • The mother’s ability to provide a supply of milk to the baby also depends on her being relaxed.
  • The father child relationship also needs support from the mother in the early months and years.
  • If one parent moves out the primary carve-giver should explain to the child that they will be back soon.
  • Babies are aware when a person they are used to seeing is gone.
  • Play with the father is important- young children look forward to this playful roughhousing.
  • Despite any difficulties between the parents they should both look to play an active role in the baby’s life.
  • Sometimes it might be needed to get help from another relative such as your mother or an in-law.
  • New caregivers should be eased in gradually into the child’s life.
  • They should be familiar with your baby and the routine that is in place.
  • A baby or toddler should not be put into daycare until at least a few months after the breakup. The child will need time to get used to the new setting.
  • Pay close attention to the child’s temperament for changes indicate the struggle that they may be dealing with.
  • Sometimes other obligations may need to be put on hold.
  • The parents should do their best to support each other despite their differences.
  • You should be loving and kind to your self. Remember and do those activities that provided relief for you in past stressful occasions. It is not a selfish step.

Three-, Four-, and Five-Year-Olds

  • Children at this age tend to think the adults in their life are in control of everything.
  • A divorce can disturb the child’s sense of a secure world where all their needs are met.
  • They may wonder what will happen to them, who will feed them and who will take care of them.
  • Children at this age don’t comprehend how long a day or week is. When they don’t see someone for a week they think that person is gone for good.
  • They also don’t understand the sudden moodiness or irritability in parents or why they are no longer available for the activities the child used to enjoy such as being tucked in at night.
  • A child at this age wouldn’t understand that some disruptions in their routine may only be temporary.
  • They may wonder if one parent can leave the other, can both parents leave me? This is one of their main worries at this time.
  • The child can one day wake and suddenly one of the parents is gone. The child rarely knows about the divorce ahead of time. This is not uncommon especially if there is a triggering event. This can sometimes lead to long-term estrangement and alienation between a parent and child, especially if the child is 10+.
  • It is important to reassure the child that both parents are still there for them.
  • Younger children have few ways to comfort themselves and so they suffer more than older children.
  • The child can cling to the primary caregiver and refuse to stay in the daycare.
  • Their life at this time is high in anxiety.
  • Young children can be likely to believe that they are the cause of the divorce.
  • Children are not yet able to comprehend that two people can have differing opinions and personal differences.

Active Parenting Steps for this age group

  • Children at this age are very responsive to comforting. Soothing words and hugs are helpful but not always enough.
  • Children need more of their parent’s time because they are afraid they will be abandoned like the parents abandoned each other.
  • One of the best things to do for the child is to keep all the same routines going from before the divorce.
  • If the child is in day care, it might be helpful to spend a little more time with them at the beginning of the day before leaving from work.
  • It is also important to be on time when picking them up.
  • The parent should make an effort to stay at home most weeknights and spend time with the child.
  • The child should be encouraged to play with you and other children.
  • When you tuck in the child assure them you’ll be there in the morning to greet them.
  • If the child is fretful or asks for you to spend more time with them, you should do it.
  • Children like a routine and predictability. Let them know about something they can look forward to in the coming days.
  • A child needs a parent who can relax their fears about being abandoned.
  • It is okay to sleep with a child who is afraid of being alone or request it; but it should not be a regular routine. An important part of growing up is also learning independence and to separate from the parents at night.  If this continues for a prolonged period it will be very difficult for the child to fall asleep alone.
  • Younger children do better if any changes are introduced slowly.
  • Children who are resilient can handle multiple changes more easily- not many adults are resilient enough, nor are children at this age.
  • If you cannot take time off work or reduce your working hours it is important to find someone else who can provide affectionate care such as an in- law or your parents. The person left in charge should share your same values about how to care for the child. Difficult separations unfortunately often add one set of grandparents to the loss of essential relationships to children.
  • Sometimes older children may take on additional responsibilities.
  • Sometimes you can come home once in a while unannounced to check in.

Parenting Plans

Their parenting style needs to be more hands on and active in this age range.

  • The parents when creating an interim parenting plan and eventually a permanent plan need to consider carefully the child’schanging needs.
  • For a separated dad this may require changes in their time commitment to their child at a time when finances may be an issue. In some ways there is a dilemma for fathers who are paying substantial child support and what is suggested that they should do as a parent.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • It is a good idea to tell the child ahead of time about the separation.
  • “We both love you and will continue taking care of you” is a reassuring phrase for the child to hear.
  • Remember that abandonment is one of their main fears.
  • When you put the child to bed at night remind them you are close by, such as in the other room.
  • After you drop them off at daycare remind them you (or someone else) will be there to pick them up.
  • The child may also need to be reassured that both parents are well taken care of too. If dad is not there anymore the child may wonder if he is okay.
  • When travelling between the two homes treat the child with great tenderness and sensitivity.
  • What is just a short trip for the parent may be very frightening journey for the child.
  • It might be helpful to treat the transitions to the new home like the first day of school. Maybe point out the new landmarks on the way, like a church or store. This can make the journey less frightening.
  • If they enjoy this activity you can teach them to count things along the way like houses, blocks or mail boxes. A counting game can build confidence and take their mind off their worries.
  • Children are not just worried about leaving home but also returning.
  • Reassure the child you will be there when they get back. A phrase like “have a wonderful time” can be helpful.
  • It is good if the child knows what they will be doing with the other parent ahead of time.
  • Marking days on a calendar so they know where they will be spending which day is helpful. At five years old number skills and a grasp of time are better developed.
  • It is important to always repeat that you are there for the child and not going anywhere.

See our other resources on telling the children.

Six-, Seven-, And Eight-Year-Olds

  • Children at this time are living in two worlds. One is at home with you and the other is at school with his friends.
  • Now they begin to learn that games have rules and they can’t be changed.
  • They are having their first encounter with the discipline of the classroom and demands of learning.
  • They begin to understand more that mom and dad don’t control the world.
  • They are now capable of amusing themselves and feeding themselves if the parent puts out the food.  They can also go to sleep on their own.
  • If the divorce occurs at this time one of the biggest fears of the child is that his recent social advances may fail. Bedwetting and thumb sucking can reappear.  Regressing suddenly in many previously acquires skills/stages are not uncommon. Hopefully they will be short-lived through parental care over anger and criticisn by either or both parents.
  • In order for their development to continue they need to feel secure and that they have a family they can count in.
  • They may feel angry and cranky and have difficulty focusing on school work.  It may also lead to violent behaviour and isolate them from other children at school.
  • They may worry that when they arrive at home you won’t be there.
  • If the dad is late to pick them up at an agreed time then they may think he will never arrive.
  • If mom is late coming home then they may think that mom has disappeared.
  • Whereas the fear in younger children might be “who will feed me” the fear now might be “where are my parents”.
  • The main reactions to divorce at this age tend to show up in the classroom or playground.
  • Their grades in school can suffer after a divorce and some children can lose up to a year.
  • At this age reading is the primary task that children learn, and it is made more difficult.
  • They may be afraid of one parent finding another family and that they will be replaced.
  • At this age children will still blame themselves for the divorce.
  • Children won’t make a connection between conflict and divorce.
  • Most parents will assume that a child at seven years old will recognize that arguments mean there is trouble in the marriage, but this is not the case.
  • The interim parenting plan almost always has one parent leaving the matrimonial home, even if the residence (home) is eventually sold. Most often it is the father unless the mother has left and taken the children to her parents’ home or to a temporary shelter.
  • Contact with the dad should quickly be arranged to reassure them that dad has not left for another family.
  • The father should set up a home where the child can visit and reside for parts of the week.
  • The visit to the new home should occur within a week or so of the breakup.
  • The child should be told as soon as possible about any new schedules of visitation.
  • If problem behaviours occur at school, it is important to sit down with the teacher and tell them about the divorce. The parent and the teacher need to work out a plan together for the child.
  • It is important to remember that the child is hurting and needs support. Patience and understanding are needed.
  • When the child’s behaviour improves you should reward them and give hem praise.
  • The child needs to get back to their regular activities.
  • Continuing their work in the classroom and making friends is important in their development.
  • Sleepovers, birthday parties and other events with friends are important.
  • Extracurricular activities are important to maintain as well.
  • The child should know the phone number of both parents and how to each them. The school should also know which parent to call in case of an accident or disruption in school.
  • Children at this age still need a lot of care. The regular schedule should continue to be maintained and reassurance should continue to be given.
  • Almost all the activities mentioned above are interrupted for the child in the early weeks and months as they attempt to sort out even the basics of separated life with children.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the separation

  • Children still need to hear all the same things as younger children: the divorce is not their fault and both parents still love and care for them.
  • They should also be encouraged with their school work and given help when needed.
  • Children may also need advice about handling problems they may have with friends or at school.
  • If the child is disruptive at school, they should be told that the behavior can’t be tolerated. Don’t let the child boss you around.
  • Boys may become disruptive at home or acting like their father. If they begin to yell then they should firmly be told to stop.
  • Children at this time have high anxiety so routines or appointments should not be changed abruptly.
  • Supporting the child’s extracurricular activities and friendships should be a priority. For example, paying for lessons or buying sports equipment.
  • Transportation is important for the events as well. If neither parent can drive them then perhaps ask another relative. If it is ultimately impossible then explain to the child how sorry you are and when things settle down you will try to make sure someone is available.
  • Children at this age may feel like they can’t have any friends over because there are no adults in the house after school. It is important to find someone who can be there at leas once a week to greet and supervise the child and their friends.
  • The child needs encouragement from both parents to continue learning and enjoying new activities.
  • Parents can understand a child’s reasonable reaction by thinking about their reaction to not having an in-house parenting partner and a life that in the early stages is so busy and complicated.

Nine-and Ten-Year-Olds

  • Children at this age are in a new development stage. They are being drawn out further away from home and more into the world of their peers.
  • They can think for themselves and keep it separate from what others believe. They have more independence and responsibility.
  • They have also reached a skeptical stage where they may be critical of teachers and other adults. They expect adults to earn their respect.
  • Children at this age can think better about the future and moral issues.
  • They might get bored with the company of their parents and prefer to spend time with peers or other adults with specialized skills such as a coach.
  • They can read other people’s mood more accurately.
  • They begin to understand abstract concepts more and can understand their own behaviour and that of others.
  • With a divorce they will be upset with the disruptions in their home life.
  • They aren’t as concerned about who will take care of their physical needs as younger children.
  • The child expects the parents to provide the foundation for their life. To help support them but more “behind the scenes”. The child likes to take the center stage.
  • The divorce takes the attention away from the child.
  • Children at this age are more competent and can sense that adolescence is coming up soon.
  • While children may appeal cool on the surface about the divorce, the anxiety levels are likely quite high.

Anger

As you read this section, be aware that you are entering the most ‘dangerous’ stage for parent-child estrangement or alienation. It is important to read the section on Alienation/Estrangement on parental behaviors that contribute to these tragic outcomes. Children are most vulnerable to a parent’s failings as they enter this and later stages.

  • The child believes they are the center of the family.
  • A key reaction to the divorce is anger.
  • The anger can be directed to one parent or both. They are upset they are not the center of attention anymore.
  • The child is afraid of losing the parents and the support they provide for the child’s development and growth.
  • The child may enlist younger siblings and begin to criticize the parents more.
  • They may begin to act more like the boss of the house.
  • The anger can become a problem at school and result in behaviours such as truancy, petty theft, or siding with one parent over the other.
  • The real goal is to force the parents to reverse the divorce.
  • The anger is usually directed to whichever parent the child feels is most responsible for the divorce.
  • The parent who gets attacked may not even be responsible for the divorce.
  • A life time of loving care can change overnight from the child’s anger.
  • They don’t understand the feeling and reasons that have led to the divorce.
  • The child at this age can be good at playing one parent against the other in order to get what they want. This works even better when the parents are divorced since there is less contact between the parents.
  • Each parent should make the rules in their own household.
  • If the stories the child says about one parent are ignored they will often stop.
  • The parents should not be drawn into the good guy, bad guy games the child might want to play.
  • It can be hard to see the anger from your child and being told that you are selfish.

Compassion

  • Even with the anger children at this age are worried about their parents.
  • They are learning to read body language and can be fairly accurate.
  • They may be eager to comfort you, hug you or sit beside you when you look like you are down.
  • Morality is important at this age and children care about what is right and wrong.
  • A growing child wants to respect his parents and see them as virtuous. When they see a parent doing something ‘wrong” it can cause them a great deal of suffering.
  • If the parent is involved in infidelity for example the child will confront them on it.
  • There is often considerable moral ambiguity for a child as well as parents who often send mixed and complicated messages i.e. I still love your mother (dad), but we can’t live together any longer.
  • While the child is a part of an ongoing family they feel safe and comfortable. This is threatened by the divorce.

Possible Steps

  • Clear rules against rude language, hitting and yelling should be insisted upon for both at school and at home.
  • It is important for the child to feel that the parent is in control.
  • Don’t become defensive and get caught in accusations.
  • Children at this age can form their own thoughts. Saying something against you doesn’t mean they were coached by the other parent (ex).
  • It is important to explain to the child that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. During the accusations it is possible you might lose your temper and yell at the child. That is okay but you should apologize afterwards and explain why it upset you.
  • Try not to feel guilty as a result of the accusations.
  • Time outs can sometimes help to deal with aggressive children.
  • Other children can get more withdrawn instead. They may prefer to just watch TV alone.
  • Some children may take a step back in development and they need serious attention if this happens. Professional help may sometimes be needed.
  • If the child is withdrawn, ask if they are sad or worried and why. Get more details from them. Maybe somebody at school is the cause.  See if there is anyway that you can help.
  • Contacting the teacher to see how they are at school can be helpful.
  • The school can have a list of experts who work with children or the pediatrician can be helpful as well.
  • If you consider taking your child to someone, look at their training and experience first. See if you can arrange to talk with the person first and then decide if they a re a good fit.
  • Help should be sought out prior to the onset of adolescence if it is needed.
  • Parents who continue to fight or talk negatively about the other parent can be subject to a child’s rejection. The chances are that the negative words don’t match up with the child’s reality. It takes constant verbal abuse (alienation) to emotionally reject their other parent.
  • Parents need to treat each other with civility.
  • You want the child to grow up and be moral and considerate in their relationships.
  • Some parents forget the importance of being a role model after divorce.
  • It is an important time to behave morally and sensibly.
  • Moral authority is needed to help guide the child into adolescence.
  • New love affairs are better kept discreet for the time being. Children at this age won’t have the frame of reference to understand or sympathize with you. In our section on ‘Blended families’ there is a discussion about dating and telling the children and the children’s other parent.
  • If the ex has left and made no attempts to contact the children, it is important to comfort them and be honest with them.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Talk with your child about current and future plans that might include their friends or make plans with other families to go out and have fun.
  • If the child engages in theft, take them back to the store right away to return the items.
  • If the child is truant at school, make sure they know attending school is a non-negotiable expectation.
  • Be clear and direct about what is expected in terms of behaviour.
  • If the child is blaming one of the parents for the divorce, don’t try to explain how they are wrong or try to offer more details about the breakup. Sit the child down and tell them when things settle down you can explain more.
  • Acknowledge any concern from your child or efforts to help. “It means a lot to me that you are concerned. You are a wonderful son/daughter and I love you”.
  • Keep an eye on the child’s schedule and make sure they have enough time for play and friends.
  • Cultivate a sense of ongoing family as soon as possible. The purpose of the FRRP.
  • Set up recreational activities you can do together such as: camping, dining, bowling.
  • Include your child’s friends when possible.
  • The parents can each help the child on homework and assignments. The task can be divided up based on each parent’s strength.
  • Set an example of courage, honesty and respect for your child. At this age they can keep you on your toes in being strong and maintain high ethical standards.
  • Children at this age can tolerate being away from you for a day or two. After the first year it is okay to give yourself the occasional weekend off to relax and recharge.
  • Don’t overreact to a child’s anger.
  • Your job is to protect the child and keep them on course to adolescence.
  • They need structure, kindness and rules. They need to understand the post divorce family is still strong and stable.

Eleven-, Twelve-, and Thirteen-Year-Olds

  • The reaction to divorce at this age can be anything and varied. The adolescent might be in full blown panic or show indifference. Either way they are likely to be surprised or taken aback by the news.
  • They are capable of shielding their feelings from you and themselves.
  • After twelve to twenty hours the initial panic tends to subside.
  • Some children may have the impulse to run away.
  • There is a lack of age-related symptoms in this group. The behaviours shown by children of this age can be more difficult to manage.
  • Next to early childhood this is maybe the most hazardous time for a child to experience divorce.
  • The most common reaction can be a rush into risky teenage behaviour.
  • They may believe the divorce has lessened the rules and lifted constraints, so they may get involved in more risky behavior. This includes unprotected sex and drug use.
  • There can also be a denial that there is any effect on them from the divorce. It is more common in children who do well in school where they get a lot of recognition.
  • Some children indeed do seem unaffected and continue to move forward as usual. At a later time they may be willing to talk about it.
  • If the child is doing well in school and does appear to be unaffected there is no need to force a conversation. Instead wait for them to come to you.
  • If you can recapture your old feeling during adolescence you will have a better idea of what the child is feeling.
  • There are differences in development between the genders. In general, both will experience hormonal changes, rising sexual urges and a need for more independence and separation.
  • Risks seem to excite them, and their judgment is poor.
  • Children need a strong stable family and good parenting.
  • No matter how you announce it, divorce weakens the family.
  • Two parents living separately is not a secure family.
  • The parents might be focusing more on themselves and the divorce and less on the child. The child can feel alone and unprotected.
  • Without the active guidance and strict limits from adults’ adolescents can be more tempted into trouble behaviour by peers.
  • There are all kinds of groups and cliques in the late grades and high school and the child will be tempted to join one of them.
  • The child will find it difficult to talk to the parents about their anxiety since the parents are also dealing with their own issues.
  • If the child feels like the world is collapsing they are more likely to be drawn into trouble behaviour.
  • Children from divorced families are more easily influenced than those from intact families.
  • Girls in particular can have more, mood fluctuations. Support from the parents is important and they need to hear what growing up is like, and the importance of self esteem. They need boundaries that will keep them safe.
  • They need to hear from their father about what growing up was like and that there is more to becoming a man than just getting muscles.
  • Again while these are standard observations for adolescents in an intact family as well, the evidence suggests that the risks are heightened for separating families. It also can lead to a parental blame game. In addition children in these early adolescent stages can become receptive to choosing the ‘other’ parent. There is an alternative out there for many.

Possible Steps

  • Try to keep the home as safe as possible and keep routines as consistent as you can.
  • Enforce the rules and teach them to look and listen instead of making quick judgments and acting on impulse.
  • A general expectation should apply; namely, that the care parent specifically, and the other parent hopefully will know where the child is. But the same expectation is true for the adolescent child- they too know where their parents are and have access to reaching them. I believed strongly in that expectation in my intact family, in my co-parenting family and in my reconstituted family. Adolescents often need you and rarely are those times predictable or on your schedule. It is called choosing to be a parent.
  • Coming home nightly to an empty house can terrify them.
  • Without home supervision they can get into risky behaviours.
  • Try to provide some structure at home.
  • Too much freedom is not helpful to the child at this time.
  • It might be possible to provide some kind of job for them such as babysitting.
  • If the child works for you, you should pay a standard rate.
  • Volunteer work in the community can also be helpful. It can help to build a sense of responsibility and compassion.
  • Kids at this age can learn to do simple cooking, gardening and cleaning.
  • A cell phone can be a good tool for children who don’t come straight home from school. It is important to know where the children are but not to ask too many details as they may feel you don’t trust them. When they check in thank them and let them know you appreciate it.
  • If you are held up somewhere and will be late you should also let the child know. Extend the same courtesy you would expect from them and lead by example.

Speaking to the children in an age appropriate way about the family separation

  • Although the child may pretend that they understand certain adult issues, at this time it is likely beyond their comprehension.
  • If the child asks you about any new partners or affairs you shouldn’t lie to the child, but keep details to a minimum.
  • It is important to have conversations with your child. Even if it feels they are not listening they can hear your message. You are showing that you do have interest in them.
  • There are rules and you expect the child to follow the standard of behaviour you have layed out. It is easier to talk with your child if you have a closer relationship. Use humour if you can.
  • Don’t withdraw even if they appear not to listen.
  • It’s important to talk about moral issues but also be honest with your mistakes if they point them out.
  • Moms can help daughters by being a loving sympathetic parent, not a buddy. Listen patiently as they tell you about any problems they may have.
  • Dads can also have a close relationship with their sons. A boy at this age needs a parent to respect, not a pal.
  • Both genders need parents who are not afraid to talk about moral values, love, friendships and loyalty,
  • If the child finds out about an affair you had before the divorce they may confront you on it. It’s important to be honest about it.
  • Your goal is that your child feels comfortable in asking questions and getting straight answers.
  •  Both parents should discuss birth control and safe sex.
  • Children need actual information on these issues and not just prohibitions from their parents.
  • Children also need to be taught about drugs, smoking and alcohol.
  • It is important to keep the children on track and make sure they grow up into moral and loving adults.
  • Adolescence can be a perilous time for every child and even more so when the family is weakened by divorce.
  • Keep communication open with your child. They should know you are ready to talk and listen if they have any problems.

See our post on separation and older children for more on development stages.

Resource recap: Alienation readings

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, During Separation

For more on alienation see the Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation.

Please find below just about everything that you never wanted to know, but need to know, about alienation and estrangement. The readings are in different sections, but are obviously intimately connected.

These cases have been the most troubling in my 20+ years working with alienated/estranged parents. The impact is heartbreaking for the parent and grandparents of the impacted child(ren). Many stepfamilies are unable to survive the stress.

It is common (understandable) to become obsessed in this kind of situation and be focused on what is happening and not on how to mitigate the impact through positive steps. Remaining healthy through the chaos of alienation is perhaps the most important survival tool for a parent.

The following are possible resources that may help you under stand what is taking place in your life. Understanding is a first step because friends may simply think it is just you being angry – ‘you have lost it!’ One link below includes a survey to help you determine what you are facing and therefore set out an approach to limit the impact.

External resources and tools

The following tools were created by organizations or professionals that support separated/separating families.

  1. Explaining Alienation (PAS), Estrangement, Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP)
  2. Parental Alienation Syndrome – a questionnaire for self assessment
  3. Hostile Aggressive Parenting – a questionnaire for self assessment
  4. Parental Alienation- Information Page for the Alienated Parent (Gene C. Colman); Mr. Colman is a noted lawyer and advocate/researcher on this topic.
  5. Parental Alienation Cases: Will the courts switch custody? (Gene c. Colman); Look up other research done by Mr. Colman for more on this topic
  6. Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It (J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh – experts in this area).
  7. Parenting After Separation Participant’s Manual – Section C – The Alienated Child Family Law in Alberta
  8. Campaign: Ask DSM to Include Parental Alienation in Upcoming Edition (Fathers and Families)
  9. Parenting Plan for High Conflict Families (Parenting After Separation Alberta). A resource to prevent escalation of conflict.
  10. That toxic tug of war (Globe & Mail, April 24, 2009 by Justice Harvey Brownstone). This Justice speaks out on what he sees in his court and his solution for changing outcomes.
  11. Hague convention (Government of Canada). This is the ‘world court’ that governs international child abduction.
  12. Parental Alienation – Keeping Families Connected; A resource to identify, battle and recover from the devastating effects of PA and PAS.

Case studies

Actual situations that capture the tragic impact of different forms of alienation.

Kids ‘n’ Dad posts on alienation

The following essays submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dads from our clients reflect the many impacts of alienation on all family members.

Readers may also find Barry’s Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent useful as a tool to help reconnect an adult child and parent.

Final comments on alienation

Depression, individual and extended family, is very common for families in high conflict cases. The recommended resources provide an incomplete range of outcomes. Remember the tragic outcomes can often be for a lifetime. Seek out professional support for your family early on (warning signs noted), make sure that the support has a two parent strategy in place and what that looks like.

Families are profoundly harmed in these situations. Don’t get caught up in PAS debate. It is the behaviors that impact children and alienated family members. Review the resources in Section 1 and check off actual observed behaviors. This will help you understand your situation and to identify what next steps need to be taken.

Please look over the entire site for different topics that may help you understand what is taking place. Sometimes we jump too quickly to a PAS diagnosis when some steps by the other parent fall into dull to normal actions by a separating parent trying to put in place two home boundaries e.g. changing the locks on the matrimonial home.

An Open Letter to Parents Facing Estrangement or Alienation

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Before Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.

The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.

How alienation happens

It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.

How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.

The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.

 It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.

Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.

In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling.  The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.

Case study: Penny and her parents

Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court.  As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.

The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!

 Comments on the case

The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.

The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.

It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.

The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.

The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.

Note the following about Penny’s case

  • The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
  • The tragic impact on their daughter;
  • The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
  • The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
  • The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
  • Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
  • The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
  • The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
  • Grandparents’ loss over the years.

There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge.  He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.

What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.

In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.

Alienation or estrangement?

How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.

 If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.

The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.

The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.

The legal system and alienation

False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.

 Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).

A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.

The Hague Convention is an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.

A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.

Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness

Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.

Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.

While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts   for future parenting.

These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.

Domestic Violence, Intimate Partner Abuse/Violence

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Note: This paper was composed years ago to understand the complexity and broad range of issues within this topic. It is a resource list – some may be dated, however most are educational and comprehensive.

Do your own research. Find support services to help in your recovery if a victim or a perpetrator.

There are many difficult issues connected to any discussion of this topic, and it is specifically so in a family setting. Once violence or other forms of abuse become public the intimate relationship is likely to end and the intact family is likely going to come to an abrupt end.

** There are programs available from counselling, the John Howard Society and Family and Children Services to name a few that may calm the family situation.

I am writing this as someone who has two adult daughters and one adult son, and several granddaughters and grandsons. My wish is that they live in an environment free from being victimized by abusive behaviors or from being an individual who commits abusive acts.

In the recommended resources, there are several articles on signs a) of abusive behaviors; b) of being a victim; c) of gender abuse against women and/or men; d) of support services designed to protect victims, etc.

In our work at Kids n Dad Shared Support and through this website our mission is to find approaches that prevent such behaviors and ensures children remain connected to each parent and extended family.

Please read carefully the materials provided below. An intimate relationship breakdown, even in relationships with no history of abusive behavior, can precipitate high risk/volatile situations once the separation is initiated and during the difficult, early weeks and months.

Finding supports for these initial discussions re: separating may be necessary and appropriate for families who have experienced volatility during their relationship. The worst potential outcomes for children, parents and extended families may occur in the way you end the intimate relationship.

Below are resources over a comprehensive range of topics on Domestic Violence. They were done a few years ago but set out potential direction for matching your situation.

What is relationship conflict or abusive behavior?

Below are recommended resources to understand these issues.

Possible Actions/Supports

An Open Letter to Parents Creating a Blended Family

On By BarryIn After Separation, Open Letter, Parents, Uncategorized

Everything about taking a step toward creating a new blended family is complicated, confusing and even confounding. What seems like a straightforward step to begin exploring the possibility of a new, intimate relationship often brings unexpected and unpredictable strains.

Remember the first rule of a family separation: EVERY FAMILY RELATIONSHIP UNDERGOES DRAMATIC CHANGES AND RISKS! In addition the risks are not limited to immediate family but also to every caring relationship in your family circle.

For many separating parents there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. As such there is often a personal need to find someone to care for and someone who reaffirms our value as a loving person and a caring parent. Our self-portrait often has taken a beating in the months before and after a separation. Putting yourself out in this setting feels risky and to be truthful is risky.

It is good to remember that there are other paths to personal recovery (renewal) before introducing an even more complicated post-separation environment. The message is simply to have your eyes wide open.

For this section I am going to deal with concerns that impact Family Renewal and your possible journey to building a new blended/complicated family.

When do you start dating?

This is a complicated question. Research informs us that in general men/fathers begin dating considerably sooner than women/mothers following a separation. There is a negative explanation around this that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’ at last.

The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. The reasons appear to be that more dads are living outside the matrimonial home without their children most of the time. This same study suggests that the intact family is the main source of support for dads and the separation is a two prong assault on who they are. Dating is an understandable outcome.

 This question would have little importance if each of us was an independent adult- we are separated aren’t we? We are BUT the ending of intimacy often is less defined for each party in a separation.

The beginning of any dating is a statement to your ‘former’ intimate partner and to your children that the return of the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement- intended or otherwise- that you are moving your life forward in this area of life.

This is not about finding fault for ‘moving on’ too soon or for isolating oneself out of fear to take a risk. Whatever the choice one needs to be prepared for very human outcomes.

Children often hold on to the hope that the intact family that they have only known will return/ get back to normal. They may believe that such a reunion would end the grief and sorrow of one or both of their parents. Even a ‘normalcy’ that was by all measures considerably unhappy is something familiar and manageable to them. When you look at the disruption that has entered their life through the parents’ choice this is understandable.

Most people enter into a serious post separation relationship at some time. Many parents may put off a formal separation and the beginning of a new home until their children are of an age that they deem more suitable. But one of the discoveries in our work with 100’s of separating parents is the young (toddler) age of their children for many separating families. Few parents are going to delay serious relationships for 10-20 years. Parenting in a blended/complicated family is a significant challenge for the new partners and every parenting relationship.

If you have child (ren) then a serious dating relationship is complicated. Making ‘mistakes’ is inevitable so you need to be able to forgive yourself, recover and learn along the way. Avoid past mistakes and angry outbursts. Try to understand the basis for these outbursts for they can have serious repercussions on your children and your children’s other parent.

So we are back to the original question – when do you start dating?

When you are ready! I am sure that you are grateful for my answer. You need to sort this out based on your readiness and the impact on those that matter to you. Another relationship concern involves your dating partner. Are your dating goals similar or very different? Are you honest with that person about your relationship intentions? Of course you may not know yourself in the early stages but at some point you will sense your own and your new relationship’s long term goal.

I dated early and we are now in our 24th year of a complicated new family. It was an uneasy (on-going chaos) and interrupted courtship. I began dating without understanding the impact and consequences that it would have on my new partner, children and others that I cared for. On the other hand I have found a wonderful life partner for myself and my children and grandchildren.

Included in the resources are personal essays by myself and others that hopefully will provide some needed insight for you on the topic of new, complicated (blended) families.

Questions

Telling the children:

Honesty is preferable…probably. There is a tendency to be shy/hesitant about revealing that you are dating. Consider that the other side of the coin is to not tell them. What are the possible consequences of remaining silent? They are not particularly praiseworthy. Obviously the age of the children may play a part. Judgment is more likely to come from children who are tween, adolescence or even young adults. Your relationship is also more vulnerable with these age groups. They likely have a working relationship with their other parent. So keeping a secret from your former intimate partner will be short-lived once the children are in the loop. Revealing that you are dating is not the same as initiating a meeting between your children and a dating partner.

So I am in support of a two stage plan re: the children. 1. Discuss age appropriately that you are considering beginning to date. Give some lead time. 2. If you begin dating then keep them in the loop including basic information. Limit the details. The length of the relationship will prompt enough attention to move to the next step of introducing the children. This next step may be timed differently for each child based on their age, readiness and willingness.

Telling your former intimate partner of your children/shared parenting partner:

It is a mouthful, but clearly for a reason. This relationship is clearly complicated and needs to be an on-going parenting success for you and your children. We have decided that keeping a dating relationship secret is difficult at best for any length of time. So I believe that the identical approach as employed with the children should be followed. I would add a pre- step; namely, that both parties should acknowledge the dating possibility for either intimate partner in the future. This conversation may result in an agreed to voluntary ‘grace period’ before any dating occurs to allow for any change in the decision by one or the other former partners.

 The future is uncertain but transparency is surely what we can do for our children.

There are no guaranteed reactions from you child (ren) or the other parent. Sometimes a negative reaction of the child triggers a negative reaction from the other parent even when we have handled the matter with apparent care. Changing the children’s response may require patience and sensitivity. If it is entirely a child’s reaction professional support may be necessary. On the other hand if the negative reaction appears to be parent driven it may become a more serious parenting concern. A child may be caught in the middle and be used as a weapon against the other parent. Anxiety is the characteristic most likely observed by the other parent. The parenting conflict is over the cause of the anxiety- dating or the other parent’s response to dating or the child’s particular make-up or etc.

**A very common cause for interrupted parenting is a child’s anxiety to do sleepovers. The cause for the anxiety is almost always unclear and speculative. It can go on for a long time before normal parenting arrangements are reinstated with a therapist’s blessing.

Your former intimate partner’s reaction to your dating may bring out contradictory behavior. They may be dating but consider your dating to be unacceptable. The difficulty sometimes has consequences on shared parenting/sleepovers. A common reason or ‘excuse’ may be that the child doesn’t want to see you when in fact it is your former partner driving this outcome.

 Dating and serious dating may trigger what I call the ‘great fear’ of every parent; namely, losing our parenting relationship. Warning signs are available often immediately and this may lead to interrupted parenting or even confrontations in front of the child during pick-ups and returns. It can be a high risk time and necessary protective steps (a witness) might be required to ensure safety for all.

Dating is a ‘normal’ next step. One parent’s readiness to engage in such should not be subject to a parenting sanction. Pangs of hurt, jealousy or envy are normal enough but our role as a parent is to place our love for our child ahead of reckless reactions. If this is too difficult then professional support must be found ASAP. Long-term harm and criminal behavior (stalking) are too common behaviors.

The greatest gift that a parent can give their child in their complicated life is your endorsement/blessing to enjoy their time in their other parent’s new home! If you have young children each parent is likely going to have new relationships in their lives. It is emotionally difficult; however it is our parenting role to manage the emotional side of our behavior for our children.

My Complicated Family Turns 20: December 2013           

On By BarryIn After Separation, Holidays

            Barry and family at the holidays

‘For me, as the woman and new wife behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to fight this battle. I love my husband and my son loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay; but I’m very tired…almost all the time.’

– Excerpt from My Family Matters…Too! written by a subsequent partner, mother and stepmother

Twenty years ago (Dec. 4, 1993) I took the marital plunge for the second time. It was the first marriage for my wife. 

About a month ago I turned to my wife as we were appropriately watching an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ and blurted out: “You realize this anniversary is a small miracle”.

She was silent for a moment and replied: “ A small miracle?” 

She was correct. I used to cry a lot. I could often be found rocking in my only real piece of furniture (no legs missing), facing inward toward the wall. I was a mess, a poor risk.

This past year I met many new couples struggling to build an enduring relationship following a dad’s separation.

The underlying fear (may last forever) for a separated dad is that their relationship with their children is at risk. The fear only recedes during their weekend or midweek parenting. The children’s return to mom’s house brings an eerie silence to his place. Silence has become his enemy!

It is the difficult task of a non-custodial parent to reconcile and accept the parenting inequity. They have to learn to deal with the pain…for their child’s sake… for their own sake …and for the sake of any new relationship. 

The challenge to a serious, intimate relationship is managing these intertwined relationships: namely, to maintain/rebuild the dad-child relationship and to build a loving, enduring, new partnership through the chaos and unpredictability. 

 The shame is that many loving relationships are unable to navigate safe passage. 

Many dads almost immediately stumble into being a non-custodial (part-time) parent. A legal system that takes pride in so called ‘no fault’ divorce makes judgments and choices about parenting. A father intent on securing calm for his children is often left on the outside, his face pressed against the window to his children’s lives.

In the non-custodial parent’s life, holidays and birthdays with children are rarely celebrated on the actual date. Information (school, medical) on his children often is delivered second hand, weeks late or not at all.  A non-custodial parent may feel like an intruder in their children’s school, even in their lives. 

New partners face the same challenging complications of unpredictability only with an additional layer of angst- their views on parenting and what they need as a couple are often treated as less important, less relevant by a dad dealing with the heightened risk of parenting loss. 

‘You are important, you are a parent, you still have a family.’    

– Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House

         

The Christmas season was/is a reflection of our family’s 22+-year journey through the chaos and madness to our family’s version of calm. I offer this as a tribute to my wife and the other new life partners who have helped dads find love, companionship and calm through the madness.

During my first Christmas outside the matrimonial home I agreed to return for gift opening and Christmas dinner (including my extended family). A reasonable thing to do? The reality was that it was about pretending that nothing had changed when everything had changed. It had costs for everyone.

The second Christmas was to be about a lesson learned. I would only open gifts with the children in the matrimonial home. No Christmas dinner. That meant my first Christmas dinner since forever without my children. My parents added another complication with their arrival for gifts and dinner. By that evening my thoughts kept repeating: ‘my children, my matrimonial home, my parents, and where am I again?’ Feelings of loneliness, despair and betrayal overcame me. The rocking chair became my home!

In some ways Christmas also mirrored life during our courtship. There were occasions when dating paused with no guarantees of a restart. I thought that my responsibility was to fix (end) everyone’s pain. My wife laughs now at my use of the term courtship and asks, “Did I miss it? When was it?”

My wife’s gifts during the ‘courtship’ stage were life changing! 

Her faith and constant reassurance that I was a caring man and a loving father came at a time when I questioned everything about myself. She was my partner to recovery.

By Christmas #3 we were married (just three weeks earlier). What should have been a joyful moving-on Christmas was flat and empty. My father had a stroke two months earlier and he never recovered. The chaos of the post-separation had left our family wounded and now claimed my father as a victim. 

Christmas #4 and #5 were to be our coming out party. We would have a family brunch – a Lillie tradition. We fretted that no one would show up. I insisted that everything should be the way (actually identical) the children were used to. We couldn’t risk doing something different. I can only wonder now why my wife didn’t sit me on my rocking chair with the following order: “Don’t move until you see the error of your ways.”

Recognizing my error was incredibly important. New traditions enrich your children’s lives. It was also about my acknowledging my wife’s grace, style, humour, intelligence, wisdom, etc. to my children. Just as she displayed her faith in the wounded me, it was my time to demonstrate my faith in her.

Over the years there have been even more difficult occasions when she called me out for my failure to find the balance between a dad’s ‘original fear’ (the one that never leaves) and making our relationship all it should be. Each occasion was a reminder that the journey is now our shared journey and the risks are now our shared risks.

As I look back, I realize that my children came to respect her for what she gave to me and her unique, valued contribution to their lives. They understand now as adults the difficulty of her journey and the sacrifices she made along the way. Their acknowledgment of such was an important step for her and me,

Our family will now gather for our umpteenth Xmas brunch in our no-longer-large-enough condo (with all the children and grandchildren) and all the trappings and beauty brought to our home by my wife. I will likely cry – a tradition. They will be tears of joy for our family’s miracle; and tears shed for those of you still on the uncertain path to your own complicated family.

The family home that I was at a loss to build during the early separation became dad’s house 20 years ago on December 4th, 1993.  I soon realized that ‘we might have something pretty good here’ when my children referred to our place as ‘dad and Elaine’s home’.   

A miracle?

A few weeks ago, as we left the theatre on a cold, dreary evening. My arm dropped by my side and her hand instinctively found mine. My thought was that the ‘miracle or not’ was revealed in that act – that we were able to find each other’s hand in the best of times, but even more importantly during the inevitable chaos and adversity.

My Christmas and New Year’s hope is that everyone who is part of the Kids ‘n’ Dad extended family may find their way to build a dad’s home and even more. 

From Day Care to JK to Secondary School Graduation to Victory Lap to Post Secondary Programs

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Parents

“The school years for children and their separated parents are often a reflection of the manner in which the parents invite or disinvite the other parent to be a parenting partner in the children’s lives.”

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

I recollect receiving a call from a support group father that his JK daughter was about to participate in her first Christmas school concert-renditions of Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman were to be the evening fare. He asked if he should go. He worried that everyone in their small community would know that he and the mother were now separated, for they would be visibly sitting apart.

I, not so politely, told him to get his ‘derriere’ to his child’s concert. The day after the concert he called with joy in his heart. It was as If, at least for the moment, he became a parent reborn.

I often remind parents in our annual Christmas newsletter (example in resources) that they should not forfeit the joy of being with their child and all the other parents and grandparents in this school gathering. It can be sometimes difficult and even painful. Parents facing a form of estrangement may find it too overwhelming; but forfeiting your role as a parent in the school setting sends an early, wrong message to your child and the other parent.

Professionals suggest that many fathers surrender too easily when faced with the indignity of being on the outside of these common school events.

For the dad in the above situation, with a child at the beginning of their school life, it was vital that he begins the journey in step with his child.

Why the school is a significant other in your parenting life?

  • Teachers are sources of insight re: you child at every age.
  • Teachers spend more time with your child than many parents do, even in an intact family for some age groups.
  • For separating families, behavioral issues may be spotted by the schoolteacher and coaches. In secondary school, issues such as truancy, lates, etc. may suddenly appear on a report card. Often a parent with less parenting time may not see the report card to become aware of these concerns.
  • Secondary schools are not always the best at ensuring that both parents see their child’s report card- even the majority parenting time parent may not receive the final report card.
  • As a former secondary teacher, I am somewhat ashamed at my/our indifference to do an effective job in supporting children and both separated parents in their difficult journey.
  • In the resources, there are some suggestions re: father involvement and better outcomes for children. In most separated families, fathers have reduced parenting time and less opportunity to influence outcomes.
  •  The school staff is even more important as a source of insight for a parent with less parenting time.
  • Schools, in general, have no policy or programs to include fathers in their students’ lives. Schools get used to mothers, often as the voice for the child, through their regular participation within the intact family. Mothers may be reluctant to communicate ‘problems’ to the other parent in fear of it reflecting back on them or a fear of causing a parenting conflict.
  • School trip supervision provide an opportunity for the ‘other’ reduced time parent to be a full participant in their child’s school day. This will allow them to 1) build a relationship with the teacher(s) in their child’s school life; b) to meet their child’s school friends; c) to be proudly displayed by their child, and for the child to see their parent in a different setting; d) etc. It is a significant parenting opportunity.
  • These opportunities should be shared by joint and shared care parents. Even in ‘sole’ custody arrangements, this should be included in the parenting agreement.
  • Updates on activities, notices and class work, where possible, should be provided to both parents. This may require what I call ‘polite relentlessness’. Teachers are busy and this adds another small step to their life. It also means that you think it is important. It is too easy to let it slide and could result in loss of parenting credibility.
  • In the intact family, you often shared school responsibilities together. You worked as a team. Now you are no longer the same team and the other parent, at best, doesn’t necessarily see it as there parenting role to keep you on top of everything school.
  • The bottom line is that even 50% parenting time (shared) requires a commitment to certain school activities as if you are a single-family parent.
  • By the way that is the mentality that you need. Leaving it to the other parent doesn’t cut it.

Other School Issues

  1. Decision-making re: school. There are decisions required over a range of different topics, concerns. They vary depending on the age of the child; e.g. program selection i.e. French immersion, school activities, counselling needs, etc. Separated parents with joint custody parenting agreements need an agreed to process for working these issues out together. They should be set out in the separation agreement/parenting plan.
  2. Parenting plans should have an annual review in August or earlier to look at the upcoming school year. Try to anticipate extraordinary expenses and consider any changes to the parenting plan that allow it to work better for everyone e.g. changes in work schedule, before or after school needs, rearranging parenting days, etc.
  3. New complicated (blended) families. The role of the stepparent evolves depending on the relationship with the other family and the stepparent’s relationship with stepchildren. The issues can be about the stepparent picking up the stepchildren at school or attending parents’ night. The comfort level of everyone can be involved in the stepparent’s decision. It can be a decision that causes difficulties for the stepparent. Children can also feel caught in the middle. It is also important that the role of the stepparent as a parent of record for pick up on certain days is known by the school for younger children.
  4. There needs to be clear understanding by the school of the priority for calls re: a child’s illness during the school day.
  5. Extraordinary expenses appear in different sections. Again, the Aug. review is the appropriate place for determining shared expenses, not included in the child support. They are not clear, and the Child Tax Benefit may also be considered depending on the parenting plan. Extraordinary expenses for most families (limited means) are a difficult test for parents. Other factors that impact parenting in the long haul are loss of a job, shutdowns and layoffs. It is important to include in the separation agreement a process that humanly approaches these kinds of common situations.
  6. The end of secondary school has a few more wrinkles for separating parents. Child support ends at the end of secondary school- usually in the child’s 18th year. There are many children who require another year for completion and/or choose to upgrade or part-time school to play a fall or winter sport. The latter is sometimes called a victory lap. It can be a difficult parenting decision, even for intact families i.e. a collective decision by parents and child.
  7. In a separated family, where child support is paid by a parent, there is an added implication of another year of payments to the recipient parent for the child if the above occurs. It may become debateable re: the worthiness of this decision for the child.
  8. A child after the completion of secondary school should be taking care of their own expenses by working if they are not doing a post-secondary educational program. Common-sense needs to be employed; but many children have drifted away from the paying parent and may feel estranged or distant from that parent. Navigating the ‘end of school’ should begin early. Read up on the legal responsibility in more detail, so that you are prepared for this possibility. The separation agreement should anticipate this common situation and put in place a process to resolve differences.

 Drifting in hope that it goes away can be an expensive choice

  • Post-Secondary programs: In general, the parenting responsibility for a paying parent is an obligation to the completion of the first degree or diploma. If the child continues school immediately after secondary school, payments continue. The additional costs each year is a bit messy.
  •  Some justices have employed a 1/3 responsibility for each parent and the child. This is somewhat of a negotiation. In addition, there is considerable financial support in Ontario for students in general and students with less means. Parents should be in contact with the child’s school, preferably two years ahead, to ensure a full understanding of all financial possibilities. Many parents, with limited means, should have their child consider post-secondary schooling within the Region.
  • The conversation needs to be had with the child early on, in order to make them aware of the financial reality. Early on allows for all parties to work toward the needed support for the child.
  • Many separating families have toddler age children. Beginning an RESP should be explored as early as possible. It obviously can be a very difficult time financially; however this may also be at time to include grandparents or other significant supports. RESP’s present a rare opportunity to receive ‘free’ money from the government toward your child’s education.
  • Ending child support is another messy situation. As stated earlier, it can end at 18 upon the child completing secondary school. Some children take a year off and plan to return to school with some savings (?) from a year of work.
  •  In our view, the payer should no longer make payments during this work year. We do not know if the child does return to school until they do. I would suggest that the payer parent set aside some/all of the child support payment previously paid in anticipation that the child does what was intended. This will allow for some financial flexibility.
  • Unfortunately, the possibilities at this age and stage of late adolescence are unlimited. Parents and child would be better off if they agreed to a common approach based on everyone’s financial position. Payments of child support to a parent would be completed. The parents and child work out a plan of support that includes the child’s financial contribution through work or student loans. Bursaries, scholarships and grants would be considered assessing the yearly financial costs. It is our contention that everyone is better off if they are full participants in the discussion and outcome. Each parent has an on-going interest in their child’s success. While this approach may not be in strict adherence of Family law, our collective experience suggests it is a more fruitful approach for most families in the long-term.
  • End of Child Support: If the parents agree to the idea in #9 or #13, then child support should be terminated. If it is done through FRO, the recipient parent provides their consent by signing off with FRO. The parents will implement their new post-secondary plan.
  • The recipient parent should consent to terminate child support payments following the completion of 1st degree or diploma or similar accepted program. Failure to do so is fraudulent behavior.

Comment: There is a place for common-sense in the financials connected to schooling. A good working relationship with the other parent works for the child and parents. There is almost always limited financial means.

 Selfishness rarely works in the long run.

At this stage- the launch into independence-initiates the time for the young, adult child to have a more responsible relationship with each parent.

Decency in divorce – reflections from a separated dad

On By BarryIn After Separation, Fathers

The following guest post was submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dad in response to a newsletter by one of our dads. It has been condensed and reproduced with permission of the author.

My marriage fell apart not from infidelity, abuse or any other catastrophic event. It was a marriage that failed bit by bit over time as two people simply grew further and further apart, day after day, year after year, evolving and maturing at different rates into a couple that eventually didn’t recognize each other. In 2004 it ended. Friends and family tell me I am decent, that I am a super Dad, my kids do love me, I have a new relationship, and I am still standing after all that has passed. On a bright day I consider myself a survivor.

Decency is to me that innate ability to do the right thing. To overcome those visceral emotional feelings that we all share and still manage to act in a way that is just, fair and equitable. The process of separation is long. It’s not pleasant. Spite lives in its dark recesses and often those involved will hide behind the long tattered robes of lady justice to defend their own actions.

I am one of the fortunate ones who does have an end in sight. My spousal stops in five years. I did manage to keep my kids for alternate weekends — Thursday evenings through till school Mondays — and alternate Thursday overnights. That one extra overnight has made all the difference in the world; it’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with Dad. I love them, my kids love them.

I have heard the same “life is not fair”, “you have to move on”, “learn to survive this”, “no it’s not fair but that’s just the way it is” etc. I have read the virtues of living in the now, I have searched for my Buddha within and been to hours of counseling. I now look in the mirror and I see an older man. Almost beaten. Tired, but I know my “battle” is over. I have a new vocabulary shared with other men who have been through the same ordeal.

Here are my lessons/things to do differently:

  • Don’t sign anything, especially if it seems to leave a legal “backdoor” open.
  • If it feels risky to you – it probably is.
  • The more you can learn of the Family Law act the better. It’s an easy read and can be purchased. My Lawyer gave me one of the office 2007 copies when she received her 2008s. What I learned from it helped us work together and saved me the “stupid question” invoices.
  • There are no stupid questions.
  • A verbal “promise” isn’t worth the air it’s written on.
  • Lawyers lie. Good ones won’t lie to you.
  • Good Lawyers are very hard to find.
  • Leaving household items behind is dumb. Replacing 1/2 of your possessions is a lot easier than replacing all of them. Consider that you’ll be doing it all with about 15% or 20% of your gross income.
  • Don’t spend on stupid things, retail therapy is only good for credit companies and shopkeepers. Keep every penny you can, you’ll need it.
  • The dollar store is a fantastic and magical place!
  • Don’t care about what your ex does with transfer payments, it’s no longer your money.
  • Kids have enough to deal with, you are there to support them, not the other way around.
  • Always include a statement in your settlement that reads to the effect “regardless of catastrophic changes in circumstance support may not be renegotiated”. There is a book with a set of usable paragraphs (about five of them) that basically state three and four different ways that you have both read and understand that this document is final. Final is final when it is undeniably defined clearly as final.
  • Focus on fairness, respond with calm, never respond when angry.

Finally, remember — that as long as your children are alive — you are in a relationship with your ex. Doing your best to maintain decency during the divorce (if only from your side of the camp) will pave a much smoother road ahead as you navigate co-parenting.

I know a handful of ex-couples who now get along fine. We should all try and be adults.

To be repetitive, I heard a phrase once, “All those things that you thought would never happen, well they’ve happened… It’s what you do now that counts.”

Letter to God from a proud father

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids’n’ Dad by a Separated Dad. Names have been altered to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Dear God,

This Wednesday is my daughter’s birthday. As usual, I am going to celebrate having a healthy and talented twenty-four year old girl. Whatever my financial situation, I never miss her birthday, and this year is special. I’m going to take a day trip to Niagara Fall and enjoy a five- star buffet lunch at the revolving restaurant at the top of Hilton Hotel to enjoy the view. Mary is with me in my heart! 

It was 15 years ago Mary, and I had a Happy Meal together at MacDonald restaurant to celebrate her ninth birthday. It was her idea to have the Happy Meal because she was collecting Pokémon toys that came with the meal. We spent a solid one hour of quality time together mostly at MacDonald’s and in the car. Her mother called that a special privilege – she was kind enough to allow the extraordinary hour outside my visitation right. She proclaimed that was out of the compassionate ground as a good Christian – our Separation Agreement did not have a birthday clause. Well, she had sole legal custody, the laws allowed her to make all decisions, major and minor, for the best interest of our daughter. I have no other options but wholeheartedly accepting whatever offer was granted from the mother to be with my only daughter.  If not, I could go back to the divorce court for another battle.

According to the Separation Agreement, my visitation right was bi-weekly from Saturday 8 AM to Sunday 5 PM. In addition, there was a footnote attached: the mother had the right to change the time and date for the visitation by giving the father sufficient times and reasonable clarification. It was not written explicitly in black and white what was sufficient and reasonable.

The week after Mary’s ninth birthday I had her for the weekend.  Her grandparents were at the cottage; my mother missed her so dearly and they wanted to celebrate her birthday and present her with gifts. It was a wonderful weekend for the family gathered beside the lake with a camp-fire and full of laughter. Unfortunately, most good times and happiness are impermanent. On Sunday afternoon I was ready to take my daughter back to her mother, but my father had a severe pain in the chest. So, we decided to rush him to the Walk-In clinic in town for checkup since my father had a long history of a heart condition. It was an unforeseeable situation and I left Mary’s mother a voicemail on her answering machine to explain the dilemma and mentioned we will be late arriving home. At the time, the only means of communication for both of us were the landline or emails. Fortunately, it turned out my father’s chest pain was a pulled muscle, so I drove them back to the cottage.  Again, I called my ex-wife at the gas station and left a message to inform her we were on the way home.  

By the time I and Mary got back to her mother it was almost 8 PM. Two police officers were in the house. Apparently, my ex-wife reported her daughter was kidnapped! Out of frustration and under distress, I argued with my ex-wife in the presence of the police officers and my daughter concerning my father’s physical health. I was told by the police officers to go home and do not come back to her house until I heard from Children’s Aid Society. It turned out that was the last time physically I was with Mary.

First time on Monday morning, my lawyer informed me that my ex-wife filed a restraining order due to my aggressiveness and her safety, and I had to play by the rules to stay away from her and Mary until further notice and investigation. That sparked off another new round of custody battles. First was to remove the restraining order and then the amend the original Separation Agreement. The divorce court and processes are very complicated, prolonged, and not to mention very expensive. It took more than two years and two court appearances to have the restraining order removed and added a couple of clauses so that I have the opportunity to see my daughter more frequently with the blessing of her mother. During this time, I was prevented from contacting my daughter – not even supervised visitation until the court made the final decision and legally amended the Separation Agreement.

Finally, the day arrived – what a relief – and my visitation right resumed. It happened on that weekend of Mary’s twelfth birthday. I phoned my ex-wife on Saturday morning to arrange to fetch my daughter. To my surprise, another bomb exploded – my ex-wife told me that Mary was not feeling well and was not in the mood to see her father. I insisted to come to the house to see my daughter with her birthday gift.

Was it a crime for the father spending time with his daughter?

I arrived at their house, and although I knew they were inside the doorbell was not answered. After a few minutes, someone must have called the police, a police cruiser arrived, and I was told to stay inside my car while the police officer went into the house to speak with my ex-wife. My anticipation was the police officer coming out hand in hand with my daughter with a smiling face. On the contrary, my dream turned into a nightmare. In fact, I got a stern warning from the officer not to come near the house to cause trouble until I heard from my lawyer.

My immediate reaction was to turn to my lawyer for help. He was the smart one that negotiated the best deals for his clients. The answering machine from his office said he was out of town for business. Without wasting any more time, I called the Family and Children Service (FACS) and spoke to the on-call case worker and explained to her about my distress and even reported that incident as child abuse because the mother prevented the daughter to see her father. The FACS worker delivered the same statement I heard before so many times from the authorities: Please stay away from the house until further notice!   

I received a call from FACS on Monday morning with an invitation for a meeting. Eagerly, I went there with high hopes and a bagful of court case notes and legal agreements. The result of the two hours meeting with FACS was that they clearly explained to me that their protocol was to investigate child abuse and the best interest of the child without bias. In other words, they were going to hear both sides of the story and my daughter played the major role.

During FACS investigation, my visitation right was on hold. Eventually, I received a report from FACS after two months and two days. The verdict was sweet and simple. The case manager set up eight counselling sessions for father and daughter to re-establish their relationship since they have been apart for more than three years. Graciously, I accepted the offer with open arms and looking forward to heal the wounded hearts. I fully understand the impact of the family conflict on the child’s mental health.   

Enthusiastically, I showed up early for the first counselling session, like a first date, with a box of chocolate and the birthday gift, my daughter’s favourite Harry Potter book. Unfortunately, my daughter did not show up, and I went home disappointed. The counsellor reassured me he would contact my ex-wife to remind her of my daughter’s appointment. The next week I attended the pre-arranged second counselling session with the same box of chocolates and the book. It was a no show. The counsellor advised me to go home and wait. Do not do anything foolish – stay away from them for now. FACS will look into the matter.

A few days later I received news from my lawyer with FACS recommendation.  The reports spelled out in details the obligation of FACS. Basically, the best interest of the child means that – all custody and visitation decision are made with the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging the child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood.  According to the divorce law, when a child is over 12 years old, he or she has the option to choose and make his or her decision. The finding indicated my ex-wife was a good mother since my daughter attending a gifted school and programs, living in a positive home environment, without her father’s involvement. What?

My lawyer comforted me and told me not to worry for he had a plan for how to get my daughter back. His strategy was to hire a child psychologist to make some assessments and prove my daughter is suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome. We could throw the medical diagnostic in front of the judge to pressure him to change the Separation Agreement and FACS findings to my advantage. My lawyer even willing to do it at a reduced rate of $25,000.

That was not a win-win situation. I decided to walk away, not from my daughter’s life, but from the divorce industry. I had no more money and energy to sit in court again without end. I already lost my house and half my pension savings, and now my daughter. The only rational solution for me is to change my mindset since I could not change the situation. Even though my daughter and I were not physically together, I’m still trying my best to be her father; persistently, every Christmas and birthday I continued sending her greeting cards and gifts. Sadly, most of them are returned to the sender. Eventually, I stopped when the new house owner informed me, they moved away without leaving a forwarding address.

It was 15 years ago the last time Mary was with me at the cottage. We had no contact at all. Nowadays, it is not difficult to search for personal information on the internet. I found out from Facebook – the pictures were almost unrecognisable – it shows my daughter has become a young lady, not a child anymore. She had been with her mother and an unknown person visiting a couple of exotic tourist places. Her LinkedIn illustrated that she achieved high distinction. She was awarded a full scholarship for post-graduate school. Besides academically excelling, she had been active in student leadership. I read her writing on social justice issues. 

This year I have good reason to celebrate my daughter’s birthday with style. First, I have fulfilled my child support responsibility since she completed her first university degree according to the Separation Agreement. Second, my spouse support payments obligation have only five more years to go.

I am a proud father. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a healthy and talented daughter!

An open letter to separating parents on your parent-child relationship

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

Every child is unique and so are their needs during a family breakup!

Without getting into the more complex part of your child’s make-up, the obvious factors at the time of separation are the child’s age and gender identity.

Other factors may be of more importance:

  1. The existing relationship each parent has with their child.
  2. The degree of turmoil prior to the parents’ separating and the duration of that turmoil.
  3. The trigger for the separation is often a trigger for a pre-teen or adolescent.
  4. Often one parent in an unhappy marriage has separated themselves from their spouse for some time within the intact marriage. The family has had fewer positive times together.
  5. A parent may have lost track of their child (ren) in the lead up to the separation e.g. not attending extra-curricular or school events.
  6. Non- diagnosed or unattended or misunderstood signs of depression may have isolated one or both parents from the children.

The above factors present a problem for each parent.

 A critical factor is that many mothers may see themselves as the primary parent with the temperament, skills and on the job parenting experience. This is especially true for mothers with young children.

Few fathers take paternity leave to the same extent as mothers. Each family sorts out their parenting role within the intact family. Shared, equal parenting is getting closer for the modern family; but in the world of separation the perception is often found through a mother’s eyes.

A mother has a difficult choice depending on her view of the parenting world for her family. Does she believe that her child’s father is an integral part of their child’s healthy development at every stage of childhood, even in a two home, changed family?

 This question needs to be asked of every mother at the time of separation. It is the question that must be on the table prior to or at the time of separation.

Remember that the research suggests strongly that shared parenting that comes close to a minimum 40% parenting time optimizes best outcomes for a child. It is the pillar that builds strong, cooperation between the parents by maintaining supportive, involved parenting by both parents, within a safe and secure family setting.

Many separating fathers face their own dilemma. Some dads have been involved parents, fully sharing in their parenting role. Other dads, because of the nature of their employment, begin their day early in the morning or complete their work day at unpredictable times. Other fathers simply have taken the lead of their partner (mother) in the parenting role that they played in the intact family.

I believe that the role a dad played prior to the separation has limited relevance to the post-separation role of shared parenting. Unless the father has been an absentee parent or has little interest in being a shared parent, he can acquire the parenting skills to be an effective parent.

There are many parenting programs for fathers and mothers to be effective parents in an intact family or in a two home family.

Separated parents must recognize that everything changes i.e. every parenting relationship and to be honest every significant, family relationship. Your parenting life is incredibly complicated and for many dads, it is often even more complicated. There is often doubt in the social service network in your skill set and/or temperament to be a co- parent to your child.

This is especially a factor if your current parenting role is challenged; or if you are creating a changed parenting role given the changed circumstances.

Children are faced with uncertainty once the separation is confirmed to them. Many parents fail to have this conversation with an agreed to, no-fault explanation. I suggest that you compile an anticipated list of questions. These questions are likely different for each child and for each gender. Remember the children’s questions may seem off the wall, selfish and even judgmental. In doing this exercise and engaging in this necessary conversation with the children, problems can be identified that may change the details of your parenting plan, currently a work in progress.

In our section on telling the children, it is possible that the outcome is silence, tears, reflection, anger, etc. Age and gender may play a role in the child’s reaction or non-reaction. Each parent’s emotional state may also influence the reaction. This can be for a child a very isolating and lonely time. A time of embarrassment and failure.

I remember that my feelings were that I was a failure as an intimate partner, as a father and aa a provider. Many children wonder if their last failure to do what they were told or their teen rebellion were responsible for the family breakup.

Included are supplementary readings on children’s developmental stages, etc., to help understand children’s differing reactions.

Mental Health Concerns for Children

Studies indicate that children from separated families experience mental health issues at approximately 3 times the incidence rate within intact families. It is further evidence that parents must recognize the risk to their children of all ages. Separating/separated families have a greater responsibility to make parenting plans that maintain or restore calm and predictability to their children’s lives within a two- parent framework.

One constant in most children’s lives is the school. It may begin at the toddler stage (daycare) or the formal beginning of school. Teachers in your child’s life have more direct contact + observation time with your child than most parents. They can be a significant other, providing a window into your child’s life; i.e. making/losing friends, changes in behavior; isolating, bully or victim, sadness, etc.

Teachers, coaches and other care providers should be informed of the changes taking place in your home. Set up a regular opportunity for information sharing re: your child and confer with other possible sources of support within the school or community.

Privacy or our own embarrassment may paralyze us from doing what is in the best interests of our child. The truth is that taking the recommended steps is in your best interests as a caring parent.

 A separated parent must work even harder than parents in an intact family. Our time with our child is significantly less for any number of reasons i.e. 40-60% parenting time; work longer out of financial need; travel time with children; rebuilding your own life as an individual; etc.

Children need their parents on their schedule, not ours. In an intact family that need is met by mom or dad. In the separated family the available parent is unlikely to encourage the child to phone the missing parent; nor are they likely to tell that parent later that their child reached out to them.