The following guest post was submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dad in response to a newsletter by one of our dads. It has been condensed and reproduced with permission of the author.

My marriage fell apart not from infidelity, abuse or any other catastrophic event. It was a marriage that failed bit by bit over time as two people simply grew further and further apart, day after day, year after year, evolving and maturing at different rates into a couple that eventually didn’t recognize each other. In 2004 it ended. Friends and family tell me I am decent, that I am a super Dad, my kids do love me, I have a new relationship, and I am still standing after all that has passed. On a bright day I consider myself a survivor.

Decency is to me that innate ability to do the right thing. To overcome those visceral emotional feelings that we all share and still manage to act in a way that is just, fair and equitable. The process of separation is long. It’s not pleasant. Spite lives in its dark recesses and often those involved will hide behind the long tattered robes of lady justice to defend their own actions.

I am one of the fortunate ones who does have an end in sight. My spousal stops in five years. I did manage to keep my kids for alternate weekends — Thursday evenings through till school Mondays — and alternate Thursday overnights. That one extra overnight has made all the difference in the world; it’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with Dad. I love them, my kids love them.

I have heard the same “life is not fair”, “you have to move on”, “learn to survive this”, “no it’s not fair but that’s just the way it is” etc. I have read the virtues of living in the now, I have searched for my Buddha within and been to hours of counseling. I now look in the mirror and I see an older man. Almost beaten. Tired, but I know my “battle” is over. I have a new vocabulary shared with other men who have been through the same ordeal.

Here are my lessons/things to do differently:

• Don’t sign anything, especially if it seems to leave a legal “backdoor” open.
• If it feels risky to you – it probably is.
• The more you can learn of the Family Law act the better. It’s an easy read and can be purchased. My Lawyer gave me one of the office 2007 copies when she received her 2008s. What I learned from it helped us work together and saved me the “stupid question” invoices.
• There are no stupid questions.
• A verbal “promise” isn’t worth the air it’s written on.
• Lawyers lie. Good ones won’t lie to you.
• Good Lawyers are very hard to find.
• Leaving household items behind is dumb. Replacing 1/2 of your possessions is a lot easier than replacing all of them. Consider that you’ll be doing it all with about 15% or 20% of your gross income.
• Don’t spend on stupid things, retail therapy is only good for credit companies and shopkeepers. Keep every penny you can, you’ll need it.
• The dollar store is a fantastic and magical place!
• Don’t care about what your ex does with transfer payments, it’s no longer your money.
• Kids have enough to deal with, you are there to support them, not the other way around.
• Always include a statement in your settlement that reads to the effect “regardless of catastrophic changes in circumstance support may not be renegotiated”. There is a book with a set of usable paragraphs (about five of them) that basically state three and four different ways that you have both read and understand that this document is final. Final is final when it is undeniably defined clearly as final.
• Focus on fairness, respond with calm, never respond when angry.

Finally, remember — that as long as your children are alive — you are in a relationship with your ex. Doing your best to maintain decency during the divorce (if only from your side of the camp) will pave a much smoother road ahead as you navigate co-parenting.

I know a handful of ex-couples who now get along fine. We should all try and be adults.

To be repetitive, I heard a phrase once, “All those things that you thought would never happen, well they’ve happened… It’s what you do now that counts.”