This post is intended to educate parents about ‘common’ and ‘unique’ struggles faced by children as their family (parents) enter the early and not so early stages of separation. For more specific support from a divorce scholar, see our post summarizing Judith Wallerstein’s child development section from What about the Kids.

While Kids ‘n’ Dads is focused on these essential family relationships, it is necessary to understand the different impact, possible outcomes, and strategies for parents to meet the challenges.

Parents may have children at different developmental stages, and our desire is to motivate you as a parent or grandparent to search out further understanding through additional resources, including if necessary, professional support.

Each of your children is unique by gender, age, personality and upbringing. Each child has their own ‘unique and similar’ relationship with each parent and caregiver.

Different needs throughout development

Judith Wallerstein’s comments on help us understand what to expect from each age range.

Children from infancy through to 7-8 years of age are less likely to make a judgment about who caused the disruption and chaos in their lives. For the most part, children in these early stages react to the consequences; namely, emotional volatility of parents, chaos and disruption to daily schedule, etc.

The impact upon these children is straight forward. Kids ‘n’ Dad resources would suggest that the parents are more in control of limiting the impact and disruption in their child’s life’, especially if they have the right support.

The separating process appears through a flawed process to almost encourage parents to engage in conflict, not over ending their intimate relationship, but over who is the most significant parent. An issue that likely was not a concern in the intact family prior to separating; nor needs to be a concern in the changing family.

Support services, legal and social, must focus on ensuring that children have both parents and extended families in their early, life stages. Support must be about continuing/ building/rebuilding essential relationships. If services are not dedicated to that purpose, they are failing children and our community.

Adolescence and the evolving views of children

The developmental stages of early to late adolescence are noteworthy for the challenges it presents to separating parents and social supports. Children in these stages make judgments about right and wrong and as such of their parents and who is responsible for the separation.

My life experience is specifically with these developmental stages. At the time of our family separation, my children’s ages ranged from 12+ to 16+ and 19+. Each child reacted differently based on different factors.

Each child measured ‘fault’ through their own lens, based on the disruption, chaos, impact upon them. Each parent wanted to support them, but the early chaos barely allowed us to place one foot ahead of the other, let alone support our children in any rational way. Adolescents make judgments; sometimes wisely, often however, their judgments may lead to behaviors with significant risk.

As a secondary school teacher and girls and boy’s basketball coach for thirty years, I spent considerable time with this age group. In addition, my two oldest children were adopted at birth. So a family breakdown at the time of adolescence (remember that judgment thing) added another layer of failure to my view of personal responsibility for my children’s pain.

Would this add to their possible sense of abandonment, already part of their life journey?

Our observation is that the legal system has surrendered to having any significant influence on keeping or building two parent and two-family relationships. The age where children have significant influence on who they live with has dramatically shifted downward from 16 to 12 years of age to …?

The abdication of principled support demands that parents must recognize that long-term, positive outcomes for their children rests with both parents committed to endorsing the ‘other parent and family’ in their child’s life.

Organizations such as F&CS have an important, but narrow definition of their mission- safety of the child. Eliminating a parent or extended family from a child is too often a way out of working with both parents and children.

Limited research provides evidence that about 1/3 of separated mothers don’t believe that fathers should continue to play any part in the child’s life. In addition, research suggests that F&CS and Family Court judges receive little or no feedback on whether the decisions they presided over had the desired outcome or whether it turned ‘solvable problems into unsolvable outcomes’ (2010 Law Commission of Ontario Report).

Parents are facing a support system often choosing one parent over another parent at a specific moment in time. By falling into this trap, support professionals are admitting that they have no underlying belief in their own skills; nor any core foundation for what children need in the short and long-term, at every developmental stage, as their family enters the ‘crises of their family’s life.

Divorce and the developing child

Parents must remember that the long-term health of their children should not be sacrificed to the breakdown of their intimate relationship.

The following quote from What About the Kids reinforces the importance of understanding the stages of development and allowing us to support our children.

“And here is the problem in a nutshell. Your divorce may interrupt your child’s developmental progress. Many children get stuck temporarily at the time of the breakup because they’re exhausted by what’s happening at home.”

Of course, there are many warning signs and as parents in an intact family we are aware of the impact of the volatility between parents. Children are having temper tantrums, breaking rules, fighting with other children, lethargic, etc.

The question becomes whether the changes are temporary or prolonged? Are they observed by other care providers?’ If these changes continue for ‘too long’, it is important to begin an assessment. What are the chaos factors that can be changed? Sometimes the changes in your child can be about a child being too responsible, too adult.

Lessons from your own journey

Parents have a read on their children. Each child is usually very different from each other. After the separation we are looking for changes. Changes can be a temperament that becomes exaggerated or more extreme i.e. a sensitive child can barely function now at school; a child who is fun loving and friendly become sullen and withdrawn. These ‘clues’ should be a part of an on-going conversation between parents before talking to the children about the separation and as they observe and care for their children in two homes.

Separating parents fear just about everything; control often seems to rest with your former intimate partner or ‘the system’ or quite frankly there is no control, only chaos. Yet, parents are the adults! A reality is also that we need to be careful that we don’t jump the gun and project our adult perception to be the child’s reality.

In today’s community, children often have schoolmates or friends that come from separated families. Our expectation is that adolescent+ children should not be shocked by such an event. We may believe they saw it coming. Consider that most separating parents (you) have any number of colleagues, friends and siblings, who have separated. Yet studies would suggest that such an experience rarely prevent a separation from becoming the crisis of a family’s life.

Parents must remain vigilant and look for clues by observing your child’s behavior; in addition, be sure to include significant others in your child’s life e.g. grandparents, day-care workers, teachers, coaches, close friends who spent/spend time with your child, and professionals.

The best conversation would be with the other parent, who knows your child best and is planning to be forever in their child’s life.

Earlier, the fact that family separation is more common today was considered. A new wrinkle is that many parents today may have come from a home where a separation occurred during their childhood. In some ways, the break-up of your intimate relationship with children has an added layer of guilt. Most of us were determined that would never happen to us; thus it would never ‘touch’ our children as it ‘touched’ us.

It may be a time that causes more reflection about the impact on your childhood and adulthood. The question is this: can the wounds and successes of your life journey can be employed to support your children?