An Open Letter to Parents Creating a Blended Family

On November 6, 2015May 7, 2026 By BarryIn After Separation, Open Letter, Parents, Uncategorized

Everything about taking a step toward creating a new blended family is complicated, confusing and even confounding. What seems like a straightforward step to begin exploring the possibility of a new, intimate relationship often brings unexpected and unpredictable strains.

Remember the first rule of a family separation: EVERY FAMILY RELATIONSHIP UNDERGOES DRAMATIC CHANGES AND RISKS! In addition the risks are not limited to immediate family but also to every caring relationship in your family circle.

For many separating parents there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. As such there is often a personal need to find someone to care for and someone who reaffirms our value as a loving person and a caring parent. Our self-portrait often has taken a beating in the months before and after a separation. Putting yourself out in this setting feels risky and to be truthful is risky.

It is good to remember that there are other paths to personal recovery (renewal) before introducing an even more complicated post-separation environment. The message is simply to have your eyes wide open.

For this section I am going to deal with concerns that impact Family Renewal and your possible journey to building a new blended/complicated family.

When do you start dating?

This is a complicated question. Research informs us that in general men/fathers begin dating considerably sooner than women/mothers following a separation. There is a negative explanation around this that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’ at last.

The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. The reasons appear to be that more dads are living outside the matrimonial home without their children most of the time. This same study suggests that the intact family is the main source of support for dads and the separation is a two prong assault on who they are. Dating is an understandable outcome.

This question would have little importance if each of us was an independent adult- we are separated aren’t we? We are BUT the ending of intimacy often is less defined for each party in a separation.

The beginning of any dating is a statement to your ‘former’ intimate partner and to your children that the return of the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement- intended or otherwise- that you are moving your life forward in this area of life.

This is not about finding fault for ‘moving on’ too soon or for isolating oneself out of fear to take a risk. Whatever the choice one needs to be prepared for very human outcomes.

Children often hold on to the hope that the intact family that they have only known will return/ get back to normal. They may believe that such a reunion would end the grief and sorrow of one or both of their parents. Even a ‘normalcy’ that was by all measures considerably unhappy is something familiar and manageable to them. When you look at the disruption that has entered their life through the parents’ choice this is understandable.

Most people enter into a serious post separation relationship at some time. Many parents may put off a formal separation and the beginning of a new home until their children are of an age that they deem more suitable. But one of the discoveries in our work with 100’s of separating parents is the young (toddler) age of their children for many separating families. Few parents are going to delay serious relationships for 10-20 years. Parenting in a blended/complicated family is a significant challenge for the new partners and every parenting relationship.

If you have child (ren) then a serious dating relationship is complicated. Making ‘mistakes’ is inevitable so you need to be able to forgive yourself, recover and learn along the way. Avoid past mistakes and angry outbursts. Try to understand the basis for these outbursts for they can have serious repercussions on your children and your children’s other parent.

So we are back to the original question – when do you start dating?

When you are ready! I am sure that you are grateful for my answer. You need to sort this out based on your readiness and the impact on those that matter to you. Another relationship concern involves your dating partner. Are your dating goals similar or very different? Are you honest with that person about your relationship intentions? Of course you may not know yourself in the early stages but at some point you will sense your own and your new relationship’s long term goal.

I dated early and we are now in our 24^th year of a complicated new family. It was an uneasy (on-going chaos) and interrupted courtship. I began dating without understanding the impact and consequences that it would have on my new partner, children and others that I cared for. On the other hand I have found a wonderful life partner for myself and my children and grandchildren.

Included in the resources are personal essays by myself and others that hopefully will provide some needed insight for you on the topic of new, complicated (blended) families.

Questions

Telling the children:

Honesty is preferable…probably. There is a tendency to be shy/hesitant about revealing that you are dating. Consider that the other side of the coin is to not tell them. What are the possible consequences of remaining silent? They are not particularly praiseworthy. Obviously the age of the children may play a part. Judgment is more likely to come from children who are tween, adolescence or even young adults. Your relationship is also more vulnerable with these age groups. They likely have a working relationship with their other parent. So keeping a secret from your former intimate partner will be short-lived once the children are in the loop. Revealing that you are dating is not the same as initiating a meeting between your children and a dating partner.

So I am in support of a two stage plan re: the children. 1. Discuss age appropriately that you are considering beginning to date. Give some lead time. 2. If you begin dating then keep them in the loop including basic information. Limit the details. The length of the relationship will prompt enough attention to move to the next step of introducing the children. This next step may be timed differently for each child based on their age, readiness and willingness.

Telling your former intimate partner of your children/shared parenting partner:

It is a mouthful, but clearly for a reason. This relationship is clearly complicated and needs to be an on-going parenting success for you and your children. We have decided that keeping a dating relationship secret is difficult at best for any length of time. So I believe that the identical approach as employed with the children should be followed. I would add a pre- step; namely, that both parties should acknowledge the dating possibility for either intimate partner in the future. This conversation may result in an agreed to voluntary ‘grace period’ before any dating occurs to allow for any change in the decision by one or the other former partners.

The future is uncertain but transparency is surely what we can do for our children.

There are no guaranteed reactions from you child (ren) or the other parent. Sometimes a negative reaction of the child triggers a negative reaction from the other parent even when we have handled the matter with apparent care. Changing the children’s response may require patience and sensitivity. If it is entirely a child’s reaction professional support may be necessary. On the other hand if the negative reaction appears to be parent driven it may become a more serious parenting concern. A child may be caught in the middle and be used as a weapon against the other parent. Anxiety is the characteristic most likely observed by the other parent. The parenting conflict is over the cause of the anxiety- dating or the other parent’s response to dating or the child’s particular make-up or etc.

**A very common cause for interrupted parenting is a child’s anxiety to do sleepovers. The cause for the anxiety is almost always unclear and speculative. It can go on for a long time before normal parenting arrangements are reinstated with a therapist’s blessing.

Your former intimate partner’s reaction to your dating may bring out contradictory behavior. They may be dating but consider your dating to be unacceptable. The difficulty sometimes has consequences on shared parenting/sleepovers. A common reason or ‘excuse’ may be that the child doesn’t want to see you when in fact it is your former partner driving this outcome.

Dating and serious dating may trigger what I call the ‘great fear’ of every parent; namely, losing our parenting relationship. Warning signs are available often immediately and this may lead to interrupted parenting or even confrontations in front of the child during pick-ups and returns. It can be a high risk time and necessary protective steps (a witness) might be required to ensure safety for all.

Dating is a ‘normal’ next step. One parent’s readiness to engage in such should not be subject to a parenting sanction. Pangs of hurt, jealousy or envy are normal enough but our role as a parent is to place our love for our child ahead of reckless reactions. If this is too difficult then professional support must be found ASAP. Long-term harm and criminal behavior (stalking) are too common behaviors.

The greatest gift that a parent can give their child in their complicated life is your endorsement/blessing to enjoy their time in their other parent’s new home! If you have young children each parent is likely going to have new relationships in their lives. It is emotionally difficult; however it is our parenting role to manage the emotional side of our behavior for our children.

Resource Recap: Information from Richard Warshak

On October 21, 2014April 18, 2026 By BarryIn Alienation, Parents, Resource Recap

Notes from the publications of author and psychologist Richard Warhshak. See his website for more resources.

Children’s attitudes during the breakup may be temporary. They may be reacting to an isolated event, such as a fight between parents or the discovery of an affair, rather than the full history of their relationship with each parent.

They may complain about a parenting plan because of minor frustrations and not really consider the drawbacks of alternative plans.

Children may tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear at the time.

May reflect trivial reasons or immature thinking.

Examples: A five year old girl wants to live with her daddy because he lets her eat as much candy as she wants. A ten year old boy wants to live with his mom because she lets him stay up as late as he wants. A fifteen year old girl wants to live with her father and stepmother because they impose no curfew, allow her to drink alcohol, commiserate with her about the uselessness of education, and promise her a luxury car if she moves in with them.

Preference to live with a parent may be unhealthy. For instance, a boy may have a close identification with a father who treats the mother with violence and disrespect. The boy’s closer tie to his father may be long-standing and may lead the boy to express a preference for a parenting plan that maximizes time with his dad while minimizing time with his mom. Such a plan, though, is likely to further entrench the boy’s unhealthy identification. Another example: a boy may be too closely tied to his mom and afraid of leaving her side, so he says he doesn’t want to spend the night at his dad’s house.

Children may say they want to live with a parent because they think they need to take care of that parent.

Children may show loyalty to one parent because they are afraid of him and don’t want him to be angry with them.

The biggest problem with giving children a say in custody decisions is that it puts them in the middle of their parents’ disputes. If the kid’s attitude is going to influence the court, then there is a greater risk that one or both parents will put pressure on the child to takes sides with one parent against the other. So when a child expresses an opinion about custody, it may be the child’s voice dubbed with the words of whichever parent has the most influence over the child at that moment in time.

From Day Care to JK to Secondary School Graduation to Victory Lap to Post Secondary Programs

On September 10, 2013May 3, 2026 By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Parents

“The school years for children and their separated parents are often a reflection of the manner in which the parents invite or disinvite the other parent to be a parenting partner in the children’s lives.”
– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

I recollect receiving a call from a support group father that his JK daughter was about to participate in her first Christmas school concert-renditions of Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman were to be the evening fare. He asked if he should go. He worried that everyone in their small community would know that he and the mother were now separated, for they would be visibly sitting apart.

I, not so politely, told him to get his ‘derriere’ to his child’s concert. The day after the concert he called with joy in his heart. It was as If, at least for the moment, he became a parent reborn.

I often remind parents in our annual Christmas newsletter (example in resources) that they should not forfeit the joy of being with their child and all the other parents and grandparents in this school gathering. It can be sometimes difficult and even painful. Parents facing a form of estrangement may find it too overwhelming; but forfeiting your role as a parent in the school setting sends an early, wrong message to your child and the other parent.

Professionals suggest that many fathers surrender too easily when faced with the indignity of being on the outside of these common school events.

For the dad in the above situation, with a child at the beginning of their school life, it was vital that he begins the journey in step with his child.

Why the school is a significant other in your parenting life?

Teachers are sources of insight re: you child at every age.
Teachers spend more time with your child than many parents do, even in an intact family for some age groups.
For separating families, behavioral issues may be spotted by the schoolteacher and coaches. In secondary school, issues such as truancy, lates, etc. may suddenly appear on a report card. Often a parent with less parenting time may not see the report card to become aware of these concerns.
Secondary schools are not always the best at ensuring that both parents see their child’s report card- even the majority parenting time parent may not receive the final report card.
As a former secondary teacher, I am somewhat ashamed at my/our indifference to do an effective job in supporting children and both separated parents in their difficult journey.
In the resources, there are some suggestions re: father involvement and better outcomes for children. In most separated families, fathers have reduced parenting time and less opportunity to influence outcomes.
The school staff is even more important as a source of insight for a parent with less parenting time.
Schools, in general, have no policy or programs to include fathers in their students’ lives. Schools get used to mothers, often as the voice for the child, through their regular participation within the intact family. Mothers may be reluctant to communicate ‘problems’ to the other parent in fear of it reflecting back on them or a fear of causing a parenting conflict.
School trip supervision provide an opportunity for the ‘other’ reduced time parent to be a full participant in their child’s school day. This will allow them to 1) build a relationship with the teacher(s) in their child’s school life; b) to meet their child’s school friends; c) to be proudly displayed by their child, and for the child to see their parent in a different setting; d) etc. It is a significant parenting opportunity.
These opportunities should be shared by joint and shared care parents. Even in ‘sole’ custody arrangements, this should be included in the parenting agreement.
Updates on activities, notices and class work, where possible, should be provided to both parents. This may require what I call ‘polite relentlessness’. Teachers are busy and this adds another small step to their life. It also means that you think it is important. It is too easy to let it slide and could result in loss of parenting credibility.
In the intact family, you often shared school responsibilities together. You worked as a team. Now you are no longer the same team and the other parent, at best, doesn’t necessarily see it as there parenting role to keep you on top of everything school.
The bottom line is that even 50% parenting time (shared) requires a commitment to certain school activities as if you are a single-family parent.
By the way that is the mentality that you need. Leaving it to the other parent doesn’t cut it.

Other School Issues

Decision-making re: school. There are decisions required over a range of different topics, concerns. They vary depending on the age of the child; e.g. program selection i.e. French immersion, school activities, counselling needs, etc. Separated parents with joint custody parenting agreements need an agreed to process for working these issues out together. They should be set out in the separation agreement/parenting plan.
Parenting plans should have an annual review in August or earlier to look at the upcoming school year. Try to anticipate extraordinary expenses and consider any changes to the parenting plan that allow it to work better for everyone e.g. changes in work schedule, before or after school needs, rearranging parenting days, etc.
New complicated (blended) families. The role of the stepparent evolves depending on the relationship with the other family and the stepparent’s relationship with stepchildren. The issues can be about the stepparent picking up the stepchildren at school or attending parents’ night. The comfort level of everyone can be involved in the stepparent’s decision. It can be a decision that causes difficulties for the stepparent. Children can also feel caught in the middle. It is also important that the role of the stepparent as a parent of record for pick up on certain days is known by the school for younger children.
There needs to be clear understanding by the school of the priority for calls re: a child’s illness during the school day.
Extraordinary expenses appear in different sections. Again, the Aug. review is the appropriate place for determining shared expenses, not included in the child support. They are not clear, and the Child Tax Benefit may also be considered depending on the parenting plan. Extraordinary expenses for most families (limited means) are a difficult test for parents. Other factors that impact parenting in the long haul are loss of a job, shutdowns and layoffs. It is important to include in the separation agreement a process that humanly approaches these kinds of common situations.
The end of secondary school has a few more wrinkles for separating parents. Child support ends at the end of secondary school- usually in the child’s 18^th year. There are many children who require another year for completion and/or choose to upgrade or part-time school to play a fall or winter sport. The latter is sometimes called a victory lap. It can be a difficult parenting decision, even for intact families i.e. a collective decision by parents and child.
In a separated family, where child support is paid by a parent, there is an added implication of another year of payments to the recipient parent for the child if the above occurs. It may become debateable re: the worthiness of this decision for the child.
A child after the completion of secondary school should be taking care of their own expenses by working if they are not doing a post-secondary educational program. Common-sense needs to be employed; but many children have drifted away from the paying parent and may feel estranged or distant from that parent. Navigating the ‘end of school’ should begin early. Read up on the legal responsibility in more detail, so that you are prepared for this possibility. The separation agreement should anticipate this common situation and put in place a process to resolve differences.

Drifting in hope that it goes away can be an expensive choice

Post-Secondary programs: In general, the parenting responsibility for a paying parent is an obligation to the completion of the first degree or diploma. If the child continues school immediately after secondary school, payments continue. The additional costs each year is a bit messy.
Some justices have employed a 1/3 responsibility for each parent and the child. This is somewhat of a negotiation. In addition, there is considerable financial support in Ontario for students in general and students with less means. Parents should be in contact with the child’s school, preferably two years ahead, to ensure a full understanding of all financial possibilities. Many parents, with limited means, should have their child consider post-secondary schooling within the Region.
The conversation needs to be had with the child early on, in order to make them aware of the financial reality. Early on allows for all parties to work toward the needed support for the child.
Many separating families have toddler age children. Beginning an RESP should be explored as early as possible. It obviously can be a very difficult time financially; however this may also be at time to include grandparents or other significant supports. RESP’s present a rare opportunity to receive ‘free’ money from the government toward your child’s education.
Ending child support is another messy situation. As stated earlier, it can end at 18 upon the child completing secondary school. Some children take a year off and plan to return to school with some savings (?) from a year of work.
In our view, the payer should no longer make payments during this work year. We do not know if the child does return to school until they do. I would suggest that the payer parent set aside some/all of the child support payment previously paid in anticipation that the child does what was intended. This will allow for some financial flexibility.
Unfortunately, the possibilities at this age and stage of late adolescence are unlimited. Parents and child would be better off if they agreed to a common approach based on everyone’s financial position. Payments of child support to a parent would be completed. The parents and child work out a plan of support that includes the child’s financial contribution through work or student loans. Bursaries, scholarships and grants would be considered assessing the yearly financial costs. It is our contention that everyone is better off if they are full participants in the discussion and outcome. Each parent has an on-going interest in their child’s success. While this approach may not be in strict adherence of Family law, our collective experience suggests it is a more fruitful approach for most families in the long-term.
End of Child Support: If the parents agree to the idea in #9 or #13, then child support should be terminated. If it is done through FRO, the recipient parent provides their consent by signing off with FRO. The parents will implement their new post-secondary plan.
The recipient parent should consent to terminate child support payments following the completion of 1^st degree or diploma or similar accepted program. Failure to do so is fraudulent behavior.

Comment: There is a place for common-sense in the financials connected to schooling. A good working relationship with the other parent works for the child and parents. There is almost always limited financial means.

Selfishness rarely works in the long run.

At this stage- the launch into independence-initiates the time for the young, adult child to have a more responsible relationship with each parent.

Managing the short-term in order to effectively parent and grandparent in the long-term

On May 3, 2013May 4, 2026 By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Mothers, Parents

At some point in time during the separation years, I felt estranged from each of my three children. It was unbearable.

It is not necessarily a forever outcome!

Our experience is that almost every separated parent suffering through an estranged parenting relationship will have an opportunity to ‘repair’ that relationship. It is our task as a parent to be prepared to seize that opportunity.

Parenting a young or not so young adult child offers wonderful, even ecstatic times, in part because of the difficulty of the journey.

Below are some general conversations of possible parenting opportunities that could help enrich the lives of your adult children and their immediate families. The picture on the face of the FRRP web site pointedly captures what is at stake.

Families do come in all shapes, in every form, and are sustained and strengthened by the enduring love of each parent to their child and their child’s child.
– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

Situations

Talking about the cause of your separation to your adolescent or adult child is for many of us an unwanted conversation.

Based on the early months, even years of separation, the conversation may seem frankly too dangerous. Silence or the status quo may seem ‘kind of comfortable’. The question that remains for every parent of a separated family is whether they must abandon being a parent and just become an adult friend.

My experience suggests that parenting to your adult child is very different and requires a complimentary set of communication skills and self-awareness. But I would assert that it is part of what you committed to when you became mom or dad. I would also suggest that you have a continuing debt to your child for what happened in your intimate relationship with their other parent.

Your view of the cause(s) of your separation likely have modified from the explanation initially provided to your children, at the time of separating.
The original explanation likely lacked ‘texture’ that would help your children in their future relationships and life. You may see this need in your children at different times in their life, and through their more probing questions about mom and/or dad.
“So why did you and your ‘life partner’ with children separate?” For most of us we move from a blame game-my fault or my partner’s fault- to a more in-depth dissection of what went wrong, and importantly what was good and why did the good somehow get lost along the way?
Most of us as adults/parents in an intimate, committed relationship know that our childhood experiences had profound consequences on our lives; the same is true for our children. This site has enumerated many consequences for children. The question is why we would not think that our children deserve the best advice/lessons that we can provide based on a more complete understanding of our life changing, family crisis.
It would be safe to say that my son and I were at our worst in his teen years and in the early years of separation. As we moved into a calmer period in his twenties, I suggested that we go away on a 5-day golf excursion to North Carolina. To my surprise and pleasure he agreed.
It could have gone either way re: the getting along part. On our way home, travelling the inter-state, we looked at each other travelling at 120km and gave each other a bear hug. It was as if the difficulties of earlier times were set aside and were now only background to our future relationship.
It would no longer cause us to flee to the safety of silence. This moment was as magical as the moment the F&CS worker placed him in my arms at two months and he became my son.
Finding the opportunity to (re) connect with your child provides a path to life conversations that are about integral, parenting relationships i.e. the lifelong task of completing the whole of your child.
Accomplishing the above allows/invites you into the lives of future grandchildren.
An explanation given to a child of seven is unlikely to meet the needed explanation for a young adult in a committed relationship. This is a time when most parents can hopefully provide an understanding that is more complete and less burdened by the immediacy, overwhelming emotion and even depression.
Many of us can see in our adult children behaviors that indicate their doubts about commitment or their search for caring relationships or…?
The separation process, unfortunately, has a consequence of painting a dark picture of their parents’ intimate and parenting relationship. For most parents- including separated parents- there were many wonderful family times that lasted for years. It is important to convey that to your children.
Many adult children have lost those memories to the chaos of disruption and two, separate homes. Quite frankly, too many parents have also lost the good times to that same chaos.

Question: Is our legacy to our adult children to be chaos and division or a narrative/understanding that reflects a mixture of family success and lessons from intimacy breakdown?

‘Children of divorce miss their original family when the breakup occurs and when they get older and rework the experience.’
– Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

Photo Albums and what they mean for a separated family

If you are a parent that agreed to leave the matrimonial home, then you likely left with an uneven distribution of family ‘things’; often this may include family photos that illustrate the family history;
The visuals in my day were photo albums, that provide a journey through the parenting years together as an intact family unit. They are a shared record of fond memories.
We believe strongly in shared parenting (min. 40/40 parenting time for each parenting time with each child); however, whatever the parenting time, each parent has the responsibility to their child to provide a continuing bond to the other parent and their previous life in an intact family.
Interestingly, family pictures (I took none with me at the time) are a history of your family. My failure to understand that reality effectively left the children’s mother to be the guardian of the family journey.
In a beautiful, loving way my daughter knew that pictures of the children and past family events touched my soul and she went through the family photos at different times and helped to convey our shared family life by providing copies of our journey as an intact family. This may seem a small thing, but it is not!
You are conveying an important message/model. Most importantly, that you are a family and that you are not afraid of the past or abandoning the past. You are stating that your journey with your children is continuous and to be cherished.
Children become adults and pictures are reminders of fun and silly times together with more to come in the changed family. Pictures connect the family history through the generations- child to parent to grandparent.
There are many ways to build on the changed, but continuous family theme.
In the section on parenting, it is important to allow your child to see that through all the current tension- that you are able to talk about good times that were part of the family’s daily life. Remember for most of us the ‘worst’ of times took place in the closing months of the intimate relationship. Even if it was over a longer time, we managed to protect our children and manage day to day living.
I would also suggest that you are not afraid to connect past residences with times in the child’s life.
The one red flag (it is important) is that when in a ‘new family’ you need to consider any new partner’s sensitivities.

Moving On

Family is content not form.
– Gloria Steinem, activist and writer

I became a parent through the adoption process for my first two children. Many times, during the early years of separation (high conflict), I felt an extraordinary level of guilt. I suspect that it goes with the territory; but I always felt a moral obligation to be this ‘perfect parent’ because another parent(s) and F&CS entrusted me with two children. I had not finished my responsibility. Of course, I had that same obligation to my youngest child who was born the old fashion way.

This sense of guilt is our partner, often for some time. Guilt can paralyze or motivate us to learn ways to not repeat errors or to allow past mistakes to control our life. It can feel very difficult to assert our standards to our children. It is easier to shy away from talking about our failings, even in the face of knowing our children require guidance in their on-going lives.

Moral failings are part of most of our lives. Having an affair after feeling alone for some time in a now, loveless relationship is the wrong order of doing things. Often, our older children see the events in their family through the perspective of the ‘wronged’ parent. This perspective may derive from an actual failing or may in fact be completely false. Two narratives may still be operational for years.

An earlier section talked about ‘no-fault divorce’ and your joint responsibility to explain the separation to your children. It is important, as your children grow older, that you are up to refining your explanation to meet their ‘refined’ questions as they embark on serious, intimate relationships. As an aside, my youngest daughter just asked me how/when I met her stepmother. Something triggered a question that she needed resolved.

Children need parents, stepparents and grandparents, who have the capacity to frame the past in ways that lead our children and ourselves to a brighter future. I would suggest that you focus on the issue of forgiveness for yourself and your children’s other parent. At some point, one needs to create at worst a business-like relationship with your former intimate partner and be able to engage in needed conversations with your children.

Serious conversations with your older children require perspective, calm, thoughtfulness, reflection, listening skills, making it not about you, while talking about your inner journey.

Communication skills that are conciliatory, invitational and to the point are an important tool for successful co-parenting. Even with the above steps, it can feel like a steep climb because your child may not be ready to hear a modified narrative and is ‘stuck’ still in anger or detachment. The ‘other’ parent may still be in their own state and hindering or even sabotaging progress.

In the end, the rule is that we can only be in control of our reactions and our actions. Be proud of your positive changes and the preparation/hard work that you have done to support your children.

Topics that are a part of each parent-child relationship from a separated family

I married just shy of 22. I have no recollection of any discussion of intimacy, marriage, etc. with my parents or anyone else. I learned, whatever I did learn, through what I observed through my parents and grandparents. In both cases, they remained together (intact) through thick and thin. I suspect that their marriage would not have survived the changing perspective on separating today.

My marital breakdown was a first for my family and as such it had overtones of failure from every corner.

My mother at some point suggested…strongly that I had been spoilt. For years, I have tried to understand her criticism/observation. She and I never made it together to a place where calm had replaced chaos. She and my father died prematurely, in part, from the prolonged chaos of the separation. (See grandparents’ section)

One of the significant losses from a ‘bad’ separation is that wounded, caring family relationships may never have time to recover i.e. it can feel like everything good from before has been discredited.

I go back to this theme because unless these conversations take place between parent and child, the unanswered questions remain open wounds with lifelong, negative consequences.

How do you answer the question about a missing dad or mom? How do you answer questions about why there are no paternal grandparents in a grandchild’s life? The questions are more than just a question; they require an answer/explanation that provide an adult understanding, that supports our children and our children’s children to navigate life.

To separate or not to separate?

On March 17, 2012April 18, 2026 By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

The initial reason to end an intimate relationship with children is often unclear to one or both parties. It may simply be the accumulation of factors that have resulted in the gradual end of intimacy and supportive caring.

The consequence is that the actual process of separating may take many different forms. They may range from a single, precipitating event to a drip, drip, drip separating i.e. continued co-habiting without intimacy. Some separating parents have an opportunity for a ‘rebuild’ and others less so.

Second thoughts in a calm environment can lead to finding the right professional services to support this process. Even if the parents decide to separate, a calm approach is more likely to create conditions for a parent and child friendly future.

If one parent is very comfortable that separating is the right decision, then that must be accepted and should not cloud respectful decisions re: parenting the children.

If getting past the choice to separate by the other parent is too difficult or blocking your way to compromise or personal recovery, then you need to seek professional support. In addition, it is often helpful to find a friend that is able to provide trusted feedback to you re: your state of mind and the choices that you are considering. This has risk for your friendship and needs to be done with agreement on the rules for openness. An honest discussion about what you need could open the conversation. On the other hand, continuing, destructive behaviors may have serious consequences on the friendship and many other relationships. Many family member and close friends can be lost to a chaotic process.

This is a critical moment for many significant relationships in your life- not just your (former) intimate partner.

Entering the FRRP with an expectation to rebuild an intact relationship potentially is going to have negative outcomes (anger/frustration). Let the relationship play itself out. Rarely can you persuade the other person to make a different choice. The other partner has to come to that choice.

Time is often required! If both parents go through the FRRP and one person decides that separation is right for them, then finding your path to acceptance and personal recovery is necessary. The final decision by one party to separate can trigger a return to anger, despair and sadness. This is the time when poor choices are often made.

Separating: Is there a better way?

Remember the obvious- separations rarely occur because the partners are feeling good about the other partner. In fact, many signs have likely been available for some time about one or both party’s unhappiness. Sometimes this lack of togetherness has been masked by busyness at work or through a focus on a child (ren) engaged in activities. One or both parents may have found it convenient to deny the reality of a distancing intimacy.

A few considerations to avoid negative triggers:

Don’t put off a conversation about your intimate relationship. It may feel dangerous; but ignore at your own peril. Many couples have been sleeping alone upstairs/downstairs for months.

This ‘arrangement’ can change in a moment i.e. ‘a dead relationship walking’; so we need to be aware of that possibility and the anger that can accompany such a change. Separating needs to be done by agreement, not following a heated argument that can have lasting, negative outcomes.

The matrimonial home: Preferably I don’t believe that either parent should leave the family home unless they have negotiated and signed off on a basic, interim parenting plan. A possible interim parenting plan is offered in the attachments.
This site provides a process for the parents to explain to the children in an age appropriate way what is taking place and to answer any questions. See the sections on talking to the children and stages of development.
There needs to be no rush to finalize anything! An interim parenting plan may provide some breathing room. An interim plan is not a comprehensive, separation agreement and not considered problems may surface. The principles of the agreement and the ultimate goals should govern these concerns. It is important to remember that children need their parents to be a model of civility. The mere fact of your separation triggers uncertainty, doubts and questions often left unasked by you children. They are constantly sensing everything that is going on.
Remember that common parental fear re: losing your child in the separating process. A small success leads to further successes. Can you both attend school or extracurricular activities? Can you communicate about medical issues re: your children? Can you make the occasional parenting switch to deal with life? This immediate transition period is about rebuilding parenting trust at a time when relationship trust has been damaged.

‘The act of divorce in itself is not dishonourable; but we are meant to be conscious about the manner in which we conduct ourselves during the process of recanting our vows.’ (Carolyn Myss, Anatomy of the Spirit)

A Personal Story of Separating

It was a sunny March afternoon when I departed the family home. My three children (ages 12, 16, 19) were doing what they do on a Saturday afternoon. My wife and I had deferred the separating or not conversation for some time; but for some reason the conversation had begun anew in the past few days and I for some unknown reason agreed to be the one to leave the home. In some ways, that most important second decision (who would leave) was taken for granted. I insisted that everyone that mattered understood that there was no fault by myself or perhaps more accurately that fault lay in equal portions between us. For some reason it seemed important in the lead up to this day that friends and extended family understood this no-fault/mutual fault thing?

The leaving for many fathers is a default position where we are still in our caretaking role and our belief that we can handle living with less comfort and without children.

I had arranged to stay at a colleague’s in-laws’ home. What I thought was a basement apartment was a small Room with a shared bathroom. I unpacked my bag of a few items and sat there pondering the future. I had spent no time preparing for this moment!

Leaving the family home without my children was immediately devastating/overwhelming. I was totally unprepared for the impact. Sleep would not be my companion that night as I processed the past decisions. The night before leaving I slept on my 12 year old daughter’s bedroom floor beside her bed. I prayed that she would somehow sense that I loved her forever …through whatever. I feared that she was at the most vulnerable stage.

I decided to return to the family home the next morning to tell my children’s mother my plight. She was insistent that we had made an agreement and that I should honour it. It was an emotional conversation!

I recall the journey home that morning and my emotional vulnerability after that first night outside of ‘our’ home and my children. The familiar drive took me by a swamp that I barely noted in the past. I had this powerful urge to drive straight into the beckoning darkness and simply end the pain. Most people who know me would suggest that I was normally the rock in the family; yet within twenty-four hours I had entered a dark place, unknown in my pre-separating life.

One change had taken place following my short return ‘visit’ to my family home. My 16 year old daughter chose to live with me. She packed a few things and returned to the Room. I don’t know if I was supposed to tell her to remain in the family home with all her middle class comfort. I was probably selfish at that moment. I knew the role of being a parent. I desperately needed to be reminded that I was indeed a parent and that just maybe that would not disappear.

That night as my daughter slept in our 10 by 10 Room, I pondered from my bed on the floor what the next step would be. I remember the mixture of feeling like a failure as a father, an intimate partner and a provider.

My daughter’s choice brought on that second evening thankfulness over despair. I had my swamp moment for the only time in this journey. I recall it still as if yesterday and of course the blessing of my daughter who reminded me that I was still a dad! I have never forgotten that gift.

Lessons

My personal story is about thinking that you understand what is about to take place. Probably not! a) The swamp moment was not in my plan; b) life without my children-even for a day-was not in my plan; c) life outside the family home was not in my plan; d) my daughter moving out to live with me was not in my plan; e) splitting the children was not in my plan; f) etc.

The decision to separate triggers emotions that can shock and disappoint you about yourself and/or your former intimate partner. At the same time, life continues in ways that you may be ill-prepared.

Judith Wallerstein (What About the Kids) suggests there are three immediate challenges that every separated parent faces simultaneously with the emotional turmoil that may grip you in the first days, weeks, and months.

Getting your life under control. Restoring yourself and rebuilding your supports.
You must prepare the children for the break-up and support them through the crisis.
Create a new relationship between you and you former intimate partner and the other parent in your children’s lives.

Comments

Many (most) parents are dealing with at minimum a low level of depression prior to separating. The actual triggering of the separation often unleashes more emotions and may deepen depression.

As parents, we often at this moment focus on our children (rightly so); but this can add to our own sense of failure. We feel an obligation to take care of everyone else –children and grandparents.

Caring for ourselves must be an ongoing process; it is important to find moments immediately where you build in your day activities that distract you from your current day-to-day crisis.

Make a list of 3-5 such activities that could fit your daily schedule.

Obsessiveness. It is very easy to fall into this trap. You may become very easily a non-stop talker and non-stop thinker about what is taking place in your family life. Your time with the kids is more nervous than ‘normal’- even interrogating children. Your time with friends and colleagues is about bending their ear or hearing them armchair quarterback your situation.

Self-Discipline. Allocate a limited time to focus on the different relationship problems. Obsessiveness leads only to circular thinking and saps your energy. Find time that is free from your normal routine.

In our section on talking to the children, there is an approach that reinforces a no-fault explanation and advocates for a two- parent involvement approach. The more that you own this approach you will be supporting all parties through the crisis.

The children’s health has positive consequences on your mental health.

Accept that parenting is much harder in a separating family on almost every possible front. It is also doable!

Both parents need to make a list of significant others in each child’s life who should be updated on the family situation i.e. teachers, coaches, caregivers, etc. They can be a valuable resource. Again, a no-fault approach should be employed. Do not enlist people in personal day-to-day updates re: perceived failings of the child’s other parent.

Accept that you can’t make everything perfect for your children. You weren’t able to do so in the intact family – don’t add unnecessary emotional baggage. Don’t turn the children into your comfort blanket. It is too easy to do and it is likely to turn them off the other parent OR lead them to escape your smothering.

Your relationship with your children changes in many ways.

List how it has changed already!

If you try to insist that there is to be no change, it is likely that you are insisting on pushing the other parent away.

The new relationship with the other parent begins with how you separate and the approach on explaining the separation to the children.

Our emotional state can have long-lasting consequences. You must ignore the hurtful, emotional response and remain focused on positive outcomes for the children and thus yourself.

Parenting Plans: An Introduction

On February 5, 2012May 6, 2026 By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Our position is all about maintaining/rebuilding enduring, integral parenting relationships through the disruption and chaos that often accompanies a family breakdown.

There are many relationships that contribute to a child’s positive development over the years, and into adulthood.

Parenting Plans (PP) may create a pathway that sustains the different relationships over time and build strong bonds that can withstand the stresses and strains that life inevitably throws at every separated family as they transition into two homes.

Our resources support creating parenting arrangements that accomplish the above mission.

Each family has their unique history and as such require their own common and unique pathway to achieving their parenting mission.

Kids ‘n’ Dad’s believes that for every family there is a pathway to creating a parenting plan where each child and each parent can maintain/build parenting relationships that they own.

Every PP should be created where each parent feels confident in building an enduring, thriving relationship with each child. While they must accept that it will be different in two homes, it can be successful.

No parent should accept a plan that is likely to be in the long-term unsuccessful at what should be every parent’s mission.

A parenting plan provides an opportunity for parents to place their forever love for their child ahead of anger or disappointment at the failure of their intimate relationship.

For parents with the parenting will and commitment, there are NO external forces to prevent their success, provided they keep their eyes on the purpose; namely, integral parenting relationships for each parent-child-extended family.

Templates and Resources

Parenting Plan Guide and Template (AFCC – Ontario)
Parenting Plan Tool (Government of Canada)
30 Things to Include in Your Parenting Plan (Jennifer Wolf, Resolve Conflict.com)
Sample Parenting Plan

Parenting Plan Options – Broad Choices (two week-14 day cycle)

50/50 Parenting Time- requires high level of cooperation; flexibility that deals with occasional changes; full-participation by both parents, grandparents and stepparents in everything child. Access/care time may be unique to the parents and works for the child i.e. week on/week off; 2/5 and 5/2 2-week schedule, or your unique schedule.
40/40 Shared Parenting Presumption: The remaining time is negotiated between the parents; it is viewed as fully shared parenting, including decision-making re: the children.
Joint Custody: Usually a 9/5-day parenting schedule or 10/4. Shared holiday schedule; full participation in everything child- more or less. This is less than the many of our resources recommend.
Joint Custody- more bare bones. 10/4 or less. parenting schedule. Holidays week-ends may not be fully shared.
Sole Custody: Decision-making re: the child rests with one parent on major issues. The parenting access may be similar to #2 or #3. Updates re: major decisions should be written into the agreement re: school, medical, etc.
Parallel Parenting: detailed on virtually every aspect of parenting. This is for high conflict parents but allows for shared or joint access. The parenting rules are set out in detail. Decision-making (issues not thought of) probably requires an accepted process of outside professionals.
Generous access parenting: PP that provides the home, based parent control over defining ‘generous’ (usually a mother). May work forworkaholic parent; allows for flexible work schedule.

An open letter to separating parents on your parent-child relationship

On February 3, 2012May 3, 2026 By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Open Letter, Parents

Every child is unique and so are their needs during a family breakup!

Without getting into the more complex part of your child’s make-up, the obvious factors at the time of separation are the child’s age and gender identity.

Other factors may be of more importance:

The existing relationship each parent has with their child.
The degree of turmoil prior to the parents’ separating and the duration of that turmoil.
The trigger for the separation is often a trigger for a pre-teen or adolescent.
Often one parent in an unhappy marriage has separated themselves from their spouse for some time within the intact marriage. The family has had fewer positive times together.
A parent may have lost track of their child (ren) in the lead up to the separation e.g. not attending extra-curricular or school events.
Non- diagnosed or unattended or misunderstood signs of depression may have isolated one or both parents from the children.

The above factors present a problem for each parent.

A critical factor is that many mothers may see themselves as the primary parent with the temperament, skills and on the job parenting experience. This is especially true for mothers with young children.

Few fathers take paternity leave to the same extent as mothers. Each family sorts out their parenting role within the intact family. Shared, equal parenting is getting closer for the modern family; but in the world of separation the perception is often found through a mother’s eyes.

A mother has a difficult choice depending on her view of the parenting world for her family. Does she believe that her child’s father is an integral part of their child’s healthy development at every stage of childhood, even in a two home, changed family?

This question needs to be asked of every mother at the time of separation. It is the question that must be on the table prior to or at the time of separation.

Remember that the research suggests strongly that shared parenting that comes close to a minimum 40% parenting time optimizes best outcomes for a child. It is the pillar that builds strong, cooperation between the parents by maintaining supportive, involved parenting by both parents, within a safe and secure family setting.

Many separating fathers face their own dilemma. Some dads have been involved parents, fully sharing in their parenting role. Other dads, because of the nature of their employment, begin their day early in the morning or complete their work day at unpredictable times. Other fathers simply have taken the lead of their partner (mother) in the parenting role that they played in the intact family.

I believe that the role a dad played prior to the separation has limited relevance to the post-separation role of shared parenting. Unless the father has been an absentee parent or has little interest in being a shared parent, he can acquire the parenting skills to be an effective parent.

There are many parenting programs for fathers and mothers to be effective parents in an intact family or in a two home family.

Separated parents must recognize that everything changes i.e. every parenting relationship and to be honest every significant, family relationship. Your parenting life is incredibly complicated and for many dads, it is often even more complicated. There is often doubt in the social service network in your skill set and/or temperament to be a co- parent to your child.

This is especially a factor if your current parenting role is challenged; or if you are creating a changed parenting role given the changed circumstances.

Children are faced with uncertainty once the separation is confirmed to them. Many parents fail to have this conversation with an agreed to, no-fault explanation. I suggest that you compile an anticipated list of questions. These questions are likely different for each child and for each gender. Remember the children’s questions may seem off the wall, selfish and even judgmental. In doing this exercise and engaging in this necessary conversation with the children, problems can be identified that may change the details of your parenting plan, currently a work in progress.

In our section on telling the children, it is possible that the outcome is silence, tears, reflection, anger, etc. Age and gender may play a role in the child’s reaction or non-reaction. Each parent’s emotional state may also influence the reaction. This can be for a child a very isolating and lonely time. A time of embarrassment and failure.

I remember that my feelings were that I was a failure as an intimate partner, as a father and aa a provider. Many children wonder if their last failure to do what they were told or their teen rebellion were responsible for the family breakup.

Included are supplementary readings on children’s developmental stages, etc., to help understand children’s differing reactions.

Mental Health Concerns for Children

Studies indicate that children from separated families experience mental health issues at approximately 3 times the incidence rate within intact families. It is further evidence that parents must recognize the risk to their children of all ages. Separating/separated families have a greater responsibility to make parenting plans that maintain or restore calm and predictability to their children’s lives within a two- parent framework.

One constant in most children’s lives is the school. It may begin at the toddler stage (daycare) or the formal beginning of school. Teachers in your child’s life have more direct contact + observation time with your child than most parents. They can be a significant other, providing a window into your child’s life; i.e. making/losing friends, changes in behavior; isolating, bully or victim, sadness, etc.

Teachers, coaches and other care providers should be informed of the changes taking place in your home. Set up a regular opportunity for information sharing re: your child and confer with other possible sources of support within the school or community.

Privacy or our own embarrassment may paralyze us from doing what is in the best interests of our child. The truth is that taking the recommended steps is in your best interests as a caring parent.

A separated parent must work even harder than parents in an intact family. Our time with our child is significantly less for any number of reasons i.e. 40-60% parenting time; work longer out of financial need; travel time with children; rebuilding your own life as an individual; etc.

Children need their parents on their schedule, not ours. In an intact family that need is met by mom or dad. In the separated family the available parent is unlikely to encourage the child to phone the missing parent; nor are they likely to tell that parent later that their child reached out to them.

Resource Recap: Telling the Children – tips from Judith Wallenstein

On January 6, 2012May 6, 2026 By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents, Resource Recap

The book What about the Kids by Judith Wallenstein and Sandra Blakeslee is a good place to start when unpacking the personal impact of separation. See my notes on telling the children that I recorded while reading and using this resource in support group facilitation.

This conversation raises the curtain on the changed family, therefore it requires careful thought.
Call two family meetings rather than one to make sure each child has a chance to understand what has been said.
Just as your life will never be the same after the breakup, divorce is a critical turning point for each of your children.
Even the littlest ones sense the difference.
If you want your children to feel protected and secure, you must provide that security and protection for them.
Most children want the marriage to be preserved and feel better protected by two-parent families.
Many children are content in a marriage that the parents find unhappy or unfulfilling. They don’t know or don’t care if their parents are sleeping in different rooms, beds, or haven’t communicated for a long time.
Some grown children of divorce confess with embarrassment that they still hold wishes that their parents would get back together.
Holidays, neighbours, etc. are cherished memories that last many years and are brought up when grown children reminisce on when speaking frankly about their parents’ divorce.
The most important thing to do is to tell your children what is happening in the family before it all comes apart.
Tell them about your plans before you separate, that way they have preparation and support from you once they wake up and realize one parent is gone.
If your children are five or younger, it is best to tell them a day or two before you separate.
If your children are school aged, a few days to a week before will help them assimilate what you say.
Adolescents often know before the parents even tell them, but you should still tell them at least two weeks before. This way they have the opportunity to talk to their best friends about what is happening and figure out what it means for them and what happens next.
Your goal is to assure them that you’re looking out for their best interest starting from the beginning.
Chose a quiet time when you and the children have plenty of time to talk.
Plan to tell your children when both you and your spouse are home for the next few days or the weekend.
If you and your spouse can’t cooperate, tell the children separately taking turns, going one right after the other.
You owe your children the gift of civility and cooperation at this transformative stage in their lives.
Grown children of divorce often fear being too happy. This fear is related to the feelings they experienced during their parents’ divorce. The stun of the divorce made them then embed in their minds the kind of fatalism about the fragility of relationships.
Your children will always remember how you acted in this juncture in their lives.
You must spell out differences that your children can understand.
Telling the truth doesn’t mean you scapegoat or deprecate each other to your children.
Stay cool when telling your children and explain to them that during divorces people often get upset and blame each other.
Tell your children that you tried to fix the marriage and didn’t just act impulsively, irrationally and foolishly. Explain to them that you tried very hard.
Be honest and show respect for the gravity or the situation because this gives your children permission to show their hurt and anger about the situation. This is crucial because it allows them to cry.
Your children will do anything to not rock the boat more in the situation. They love you and wish to care for you, and realize it is a crisis for at least one of you.
Explain to them that you will always have a family, it will just look different.
You owe your child the honest expression of your feelings and the freedom not to be a soldier in your battle.
Your job is to educate them about right and wrong and help them express their anger and sorrow along with yours.
If your child is ten of eleven and there has been an infidelity, if you have the courage to do so simply tell them that their mom or dad loves another person more and they cannot live together any longer. Leave out details like, “they have been sleeping with someone else”.
Let them tell you about their worry of losing you, about strange ideas of being put in a foster home, and not having funds for college, etc.
Try to help them say what they’re scared of or relieved about.
Describe to them what your plans are in terms of where the children will live and plans about custody and visiting.
Ask them about their ideas and comments and promise to take them into consideration.
Be sure to make them not feel like inanimate objects which are simply distributed between two homes.
Maintain whatever stability that you can help preserve to help them adjust to the inevitable changes.
Tell them that these changes, although sad, can be a growth experience for you and your child.
Be sure to tell them your decisions, ask for their opinions, said you’re sorry, and laid out what is about to happen.
Be sure to clearly lay out what will happen for life in the post-divorce family – considering where they will live, when they will see each other, etc.

An open letter to mothers – on parenting through challenge

On May 10, 2010May 4, 2026 By BarryIn Mothers, Open Letter, Parents

For all parents, challenges occur before you take your first, full breath after the ‘decision’ to separate. Your whole world is changing and mothers and fathers are ill-prepared in every way possible. This is a shared reality!

Many mothers have considered separating for some time. Research suggests that approximately 70% of woman initiate (not cause) the separation. Many mothers have done some preparation; others have been focused on the decision only; a minority are blindsided by their intimate, partner’s decision.

Three immediate challenges are common; namely, a) personal recovery; b) supporting your children: c) forging a parenting relationship with the children’s father.

Each parent is in their own unique place on meeting these goals as they enter the world of separating. These three challenges can be overwhelming; but personal and family renewal must be your goal. I would suggest that the following prism of family renewal, discussed in the Resource Hub, should be employed in your decision-making tool box.

Does this action/decision/choice move myself and my family closer or further away from our long-term goal of Family Renewal?

Renewal is a term that has been carefully chosen for this project. It encompasses optimism for what parents can accomplish…. together in the right process. If your parenting target is less lofty, you most likely will create a parenting plan that is unable to sustain what you desire for your children and yourself.

Concepts to consider when working towards renewal:

How the separation occurred influences how prepared you are for the immediate decisions. In addition, even your initial, pre-separation work may not be enough to offset the reality of what is coming at you from children, the other parent, family and friends.
This picture is not intended to keep intimate partners and parents inside an unhappy personal and family environment. It is counsel for seeking out the best information, supports and knowing when getting help is necessary.
Your intimate partner may react entirely differently than you expected. He may be shocked and vehemently opposed to separating! He may be angry! He may be focused on practical outcomes, etc. Renewal may therefore be more challenging and take more time. It is important to understand that either party can decide to end the intimate relationship without being penalized as a parent or an economic co-partner. It is called no-fault divorce.
Parenting in two homes is different and complicated at best, chaotic, overwhelming and lonely at worst (and to be truthful there is worst). This sounds obvious, but the disruption to day-to-day family life is immediate- even if you (mother) remain in the ‘matrimonial’ home, parenting the children uninterrupted in the main. It is even more disruptive if you leave the home soon after with nothing settled about going forward. Many mothers (dads too) return to their parents’ home with all the emotions and disruption that accompany such a move.
The incidence of situational depression for mothers is about 4 times greater than for mothers in an intact family. As such, everything that is going on has this emotional cloud impacting every relationship. By the way, the dads’ incidence of situational depression is 6 times greater than for dads in an intact family. It is estimated that 1/3 of children from separated families will require mental health services.
The mental health issue for each parent needs to be understood. In addition, the mental health concern may have been in play for some time in the intact family. For both parents, possible depression needs to be dealt with immediately. If not done, it may be a factor negating the shared parenting goals.
Taking care of yourself is often low on your priority list. Finding time for yourself may feel selfish, instead of a necessary mental health step. Caretaking and self-sacrificing are sometimes what a mother has become comfortable at doing in an unhappy home and a lonely intimate relationship. For many, this role may provide temporary respite and even comfort for it is a familiar role. Unfortunately, it can simply delay taking the necessary, next steps for personal recovery and healing family relationships.
Find ways that make you feel better- ways that are not self-medicating or harmful. It is very easy to become obsessed 24/7 by the situation and the different issues that are now a major part of your daily life.
The risk for any parent is to overreact to minor indiscretions on parenting matters and perceived judgments by others.
ANGER! How each parent deals with a) their anger toward the other parent; b) their anger toward themselves matters.
There is often plenty to be angry about, legitimate or simply perceived grievances. But constantly looking back fails our self and our children; looking forward is what the decision to separate requires without delay. Lessons will be derived from the failure of your intimate relationship over time, hopefully as you venture into your renewed life.

“Relationships that do not end peacefully do not end at all.”

(Merit Malloy, the Quotable Quote Book)

Anger, Accountability, and Forgiveness

Over the years I have wrestled with each of these concepts. I believe that every former intimate partner with children is engaged in a similar struggle. In this section on parenting by separated mothers, the issue of anger is likely at the forefront of day to day decision-making. As such the next section considers the impact of anger on a separating family.

Experts cited in the Resource Hub suggest that every separated parent should consider whether decisions are driven by anger from the past or a desire to create a calm future. There are many books, etc. by experts that are betterthan my utterings (probably almost everyone), so I suggest that you seek out such resources and professionals. I do know the close-up destructiveness of anger for separating families- parents, children and grandparents.

Accountability is our need for the other parent to ‘admit’ to their destructive behaviors and accept personal responsibility. I warn you that you may be waiting a long-time, likely forever! Accountability is often a two way street and the real world of your children requires moving on to a better path. The search for accountability is often driven by our search for justice or for justification for our actions.

Justice in the world of separation is complicated at best and often left the courthouse some time ago.

A question that illustrates this point re: the personal search for justice for each parent to consider: ‘Did your children ask their parents to separate? Where’s the justice for them?’

Forgiveness is likely found near the end of the journey, if at all. I have found it to be a place that I have failed to embrace…yet. Forgiveness for this writer takes place after accountability – which often has given way to the more important task of arriving at a pragmatic, business like relationship with the other parent.

In this blog post, I write about a support group experience relevant to forgiveness that touched me to the core. It made me feel inadequate and yet helped me move to a better place.

Forgiveness is less about freeing the other parent from what you perceived they did and more about freeing our self from the restraints that make our lives less joyful, less purposeful and less loving! – Barry Lillie: Kids ‘n’ Dad

Lessons from my own journey

On a personal note, I always believed that I was rarely angry and only then at ‘real’ matters that had consequences for my children. I was always justified…so I thought. Being angry ran against my own view of myself as the ‘reasonable’ person. I denied my anger because I considered ‘being angry’ to be a negative characteristic.

In the first weeks of the separation, my children’s mother did something negative that involved my relationship with my children. I went back into the family home and expressed my anger in no uncertain terms. Afterwards, I was quite down about my behavior. It gained me nothing and it could have cost me a great deal.

That of course is the point! I had forgotten or had yet to learn that the end of intimacy also may mean the end of understanding/collaborating with your former intimate partner, especially in the early stages of separating. You are working to build a new parenting partnership. As such angry outbursts can lead to further breakdowns in this elusive parenting goal.

Making you feel better ‘for a moment’ can have long-term, negative outcomes. Anger must be channelled in more constructive ways that motivate you to personal recovery and to make the necessary changes to be a better parent. After this early ‘blip’ in my behavior, I forgave myself and made a commitment to make my best effort to avoid a second episode, no matter what I considered provocative. I was imperfect, but I continued to try to be less so.

Some lessons I learned on anger, communication, and separation

Anger is the Achilles’ heel for separating families and their effort to find family renewal. There are so many irritants and aggravations that potentially trigger situations that can become significant conflicts.
The loss of the foundation of an intimate relationship- namely, goodwill and forgiveness- has serious consequences for day-to-day parenting.
Learning to talk to the father in a constructive way is a prerequisite to effective parenting. Early on you probably know whether this can be some form of face to face conversation. It may be too raw emotionally for one or both of you.
In addition, negative communication may have taken place in the intact family for some time- maybe no conversation at all that involved family decisions, etc. Now it is necessary to talk about unending arrangements re: parenting while simultaneously working out contentious financial arrangements and exchanging legal documents- then smiling as the other parent greets your daughter at the dance studio or on the soccer field.
He is now getting out of work early and making a point of being there. This makes you angry. His stepping up now that you are no longer the traditional ‘team’ is viewed as a negative instead of a ‘good for him’ that helps build integral parenting relationships.
Separated life initially is filled with these kind of basic situations. It truly is in the eyes of the beholder- a positive or a negative? Remember the goal of the securing enduring, lifetime relationship for children with each parent and extended family. This sometimes hurts a lot as it plays out in the short and intermediate term. If accomplished in the long-term, your children and grandchildren will reap the rewards for a lifetime.
It is important to be comfortable in your own parenting skin. The more you feel threatened the more likely that good decision-making is lost to anger/revenge and insecurity.
Intimate partners with children separate because for one or both parents’ life has become unacceptable. The motivation to separate is triggered by a negative; but is intended to create a long-term positive outcome. For parents, a positive always includes beneficial outcomes for our children.
Therefore, the many experts offer Renewal as a target- it is about reaching out with optimism – to rebuild a better parenting environment that can handle change and complication inside two homes for your children.
‘Every time we reaffirm our optimism, we give our children a good way to approach their own adversity.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Crisis)
‘Optimism doesn’t deny anger, frustration, sadness or intense sorrow. It is willing to give each one its due, but only its due. We cannot always control what happened to us, but we can control how we respond to it and how we use it.’ (Barbara Coloroso: Parenting through Grief)
Renewal is about two homes with humour, laughter, joy, wellbeing, care, connectedness, intimacy, cooperative parenting, good will and lifelong through whatever love.
Connectedness is recognizing that each residence is a ‘legitimate’ welcoming home for your children. Children can feel ‘alone’ in each home, if each parent gives the opposite signal to their child as they leave for their other parent’s home. (Read: After My Parents Divorced)
How to make a child feel that they are an integral member of each home with all its differences is the ultimate parenting challenge. I believe it is especially the ultimate challenge for most mothers, who may feel lost when their child is at dad’s home. It is often aggravated when there is a new partner involved in the father’s and child’s life in the other home. (See blended families resources).
While the role of mothers and fathers has changed in the modern era, mothers for all the shared parenting in the intact home often see parenting as falling ultimately in their bailiwick. In addition, even in shared parenting homes decision-making on day-to-day care is often in the hands of the mother or at least under her direction.
Adjusting to predictable, interrupted parenting is perhaps the most difficult adjustment for a separated mother. As a father I found it to be incredibly difficult also, so I don’t want to overstate the adjustment required as a one-way street.
It is important for each parent to understand the other parent’s core difficulty on this matter.

“It’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days…! I love them, my kids love them. The rest become transition days, you are excited to see them on one end and depressed to see them off on the other, emotional baggage that unchecked can pollute your limited time together.” – a separated parent

The above statement is the common realty for every separated parent, even for mothers, who may have a majority of parenting time. Being without your children for a night or two at the grandparents or a neighbor feels entirely different from two nights at dad’s home- at least initially. It is a reminder of loss and even loneliness. It can result in holding your children too close; and/or children can become easily your caretaker, if invited to do so. Think about your child’s reality where they could face two homes where they become the adult in the home.

Guilt

A parent in a separating family often deals with feelings of guilt. Some experts suggest that feelings of guilt for mothers may derive from a sense of responsibility for failing to maintain the intact family. These experts would maintain that this ‘family’ focused guilt affects mothers more than dads. I suspect ‘guilt’ finds a place in every parent’s emotional being.
A companion to this sense of guilt is the practical parenting that may suffer from parenting alone and the time limitations and emotional feelings that may limit a mother from being the parent she desires to be. Our expectations for ourselves often is a self-inflicted wound that hinders personal recovery.
A recovery focused even modestly on personal well-being may feel selfish; expanding your life to include significant others even in a careful way is complicated often by a set of external judgments on timing and appropriateness.
It is important to recognize the triggers for parenting in ways that are less than desired. If understood, many mistakes re: impatience with your children can be avoided. Alternative support can be found in Early Years Centres and YMCA programs to name a couple of sources. Search out program availability in these centres.
Guilt in small doses for human mistakes is probably good for motivating you to do better; guilt that can lead to compounding questionable behaviors or parenting and personal paralysis subtracts instead of adds to effective post-separation parenting.

Forgive yourself! You are imperfect and as such human!

Please read the different parenting tips on shared parenting in the Resource Hub.

High Conflict Divorce: Mediating Parenting Plans

On March 12, 2009May 3, 2026 By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

Please note – This article does not refer to women who may be experiencing verbal, sexual or physical abuse by their male partners.

Meeting with couples engaged in high conflict divorces, you are immediately thrust into an eye-for-an-eye battle. Such couples communicate with scripted monologues that presuppose both the opening statements and replies of the other. They each seek to redress the perceived imbalance of past wrongs and with each strike they heap more injustice on each other to add to their mutual discontent. They have secret code words and looks that are incendiary, causing the other to ignite without our perceiving the trigger.

The divorce process to these couples has less to do with negotiating financial and parenting plans and all the more to do with getting even. They each have an imagined value for the pain and suffering experienced in the marriage and look to the divorce to settle the score. They have lost sight of the best interests of the children even while using this catch phrase to couch their positions.

While some couples enter mediation in good faith, many high conflict couples enter mediation simply to avoid the high cost of the contested battle and in other cases to prove the inability of the other to negotiate. Mediation can be just another ploy in the battle to prove who is worse.

Put these couples in the same room for facilitative or communicative style mediation and watch them run roughshod over the mediator, particularly the uninitiated. The immediate response is a series of caucuses as the mediator recognizes their inability to control the individuals in the same room.

But what of the children in high conflict divorce situations whose parents are duking it out over child custody and access issues? The mediator cannot remain neutral with regard to the best interest of the children. High conflict divorce mediation requires the mediator to make clear this position – to inform the parents that they will advocate on behalf of the children such that their needs can best be met. The mediator should be commenting on parental behaviour and it’s impact on the wellbeing of children.

An objective with regard to developing a parenting plan is to inform, if not educate the parents on their destructive behaviour to the social-emotional development of their children while respecting the right for both parents to have meaningful relationships with their children. Their role is not therapeutic per se with regard to the marriage. The mediator cannot hold any rescue fantasies and must fully accept that the marriage is over. The mediator must therefore accept the foibles of the parents and as such only seek to instil compensatory strategies, teaching or structuring ways to mitigate anger and the exchange of parental information when necessary. The process also cannot avoid issues raised by the parties, particularly when issues of drugs, alcohol, abuse or inappropriate discipline or care are disclosed. Rather, the mediator must bring these issues to the foreground to be addressed as part of the plan. While each complains of the parenting of the other, it may be that both should attend selective parenting courses and that this be written into the parenting plan agreement.

Therefore, to stand a chance of a mediated parenting plan, the mediator must: be able to enter a high conflict situation; keep the focus on the children; accept that the parents won’t likely change with regard to each other; provide strategies to keep both parents meaningfully involved with the children; and address harmful issues. It’s a tall order.

The process requires an active and seasoned mediator with knowledge and training on child development and this is definitely not for the faint-of-heart. A defining variable in choosing a mediator is finding one who is able to handle the intensity of high conflict couples and offers a structured approach to the mediation process itself. The actual structure may differ between mediators, but each mediator should none-the-less be able to articulate their process.

The goal? A parenting plan both parents can agree to that meets the children’s needs and maintains relationships.

Kids 'n' Dad

Category: Parents