This post comments on an article that originally appeared June 5, 2013 in the Globe and Mail. See the Globe website for the full article. This post part 2 of a 2 post series inspired by the article. Part 1 summarizes the Globe article and comments on key themes. Part 2 includes Barry’s more detailed commentary.

The essay triggered remarkable commentary from separated parents and their now adult children.

The most difficult parenting situations following a family separation often occur over the issue of children living in two homes through their early childhood and adolescence. This common place situation for children from a family breakdown raise any number of issues once they put up their hand and say no more to anyone who will listen. The existing agreement constructed by exhausted parents at significant financial cost is no longer acceptable from the child’s perspective.

Is a ten year old child permitted to challenge their parenting arrangements? In this case there does not appear to be any rationale except that she disliked the impact on her life from going back and forth between residences.

 Is this a trivial grievance or fundamental to the child’s daily life i.e. 365 days a year.

Now what?

The dad in this case was unprepared for his daughter’s declaration at age 10 and was left to determine whether to accept somewhat quietly or to explore other possibilities to enforce the existing parenting plan.

Most parents have signed a parenting plan and have an obligation to enforce the agreement.  In this case the daughter told her dad that she no longer wished to continue on this current schedule. Her mother must have accepted, perhaps reluctantly, this significant change. The adult writer in looking back recognized now the long term impact as she ‘fell out of touch with my dad’s family’.

What should the mother do? What should the father do? What are the consequences for this two home family? What are the risks? Etc., Etc.

Possible Pathways

1. Both parents take the daughter aside and tell her that her request is not acceptable and not going to be acted upon. They would however consider ways to make both homes more child friendly.
2. The mother engages her daughter and supports the request and informs the father. She attempts to get the father to understand the negative impact of their separation and two residences is having on their daughter.
3. The father rejects their arguments and insists their parenting arrangements are binding. He recognizes the need to be more flexible on occasion to accommodate their daughter.

 The daughter’s parenting time with her dad is interrupted, then discontinued despite his objections. The current parenting agreement is breached. Their Parenting Plan, common to most agreements, had a dispute mechanism process (3^rd party professional ) that either party could trigger with appropriate notification. The mother decided to ignore the dispute clause, recognizing her daughter’s strong feelings and mental health concerns.

This outcome is more common when the child switches to live with the mother. It is important however to note that the switch from Mom’s House to Dad’s House full time occurs frequently once the child enters mid-adolescence.

 Available Support Services

If your family is in a similar version as the family above, then you must do your own research. Re-living the legal/social work environments can be overwhelming in every way for everyone. Oh, and then there is the financial cost.

1. Starting Point: Communication and involvement in the child’s daily life by both parents with regular, frank conversations between the parents and key players in the child’s life. The goal is to recognize early on-going stresses in their child life.

• Dispute mechanism in most parenting plans. Starting point intended to resolve concerns that are inevitable in any parenting plan as life evolves for each parent and child.

• Professional Services outside of the Legal System: These types of services may be found from many sources. I recommend you to the web site by Peaceful Waters and their Child Centred Divorce Services Team. They provide a full roster of services. Review their site if only to identify programs you could seek out.

• Voice of the Child: a relatively recent step to ascertain the child’s perspective/voice. It is done by a trained social worker who specializes in this child focused work – Google will help you identify professionals who offer this service. It is a less intense process and run for the child only. It may provide more clarity to parents on next steps.

• Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL): A more comprehensive approach ordered by the Court to help determine the next steps for high conflict families over custody issues. It can be time consuming and intense for each parent and child. Decision-making effectively has been transferred to the judgement of others/not the parent. Parents are encouraged to Google information on assessments

Additional Services involved in risk assessment for a child

• Family and Children’s Services: Protecting a child from risk is essentially their reason for existing. Throughout our web site there are many cases where I was disappointed by their actions or non-actions. The F&CS mandate meant that they were not in the business of re-uniting a dad with his child i.e. recognizing the father/child relationship as a primary ‘best interest’.

F&CS does provide supervised access for a  parent and child in order to mend a damaged relationship and determine safety risks. My earliest experience with F&CS was remarkably positive with one of our support group fathers. It is less so now but they are part of the process and must be navigated as necessary. Being combative is unacceptable; being purposeful is necessary. Bias is a concern. See the Jesse Sansone Case. Lawyers who have a record of dealing with F&CS regularly is considered to be a positive step.

• Child and Parent Place: This is court ordered supervised access. I was a member of the Oversight Board for 2 years. My initial expectations were quite negative. However I came away impressed by the staff and their determination to make each parent-child visit successful. My criticism in the end was the lack of funding to provide more parenting opportunities, especially during difficult times of the year.

Common trusted friends and relatives may provide oversight for visitations and ensuring safe parent-child exchanges.

Final Comments

Our 10 year old child (writer) became an adult and is still processing the childhood choices that shaped her journey to adulthood and her thoughts on beginning her new family.

‘Children get bone tired of a quarrel that has no end. Parents who continue to be angry are a source of amazement and shame to their children, who keep wanting to say, “Get Over it.” (Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids)