Tag: planning

Mediation: An Introduction

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation

Relationships that do not end peacefully, do not end at all. 

– Merrit Malloy, The Quotable Quote Book

Our work at Kids ‘n’ Dad is about supporting families to navigate through the grief and loss that is part of every family breakdown. There are many possible triggers in the traditional legal journey, that has recently been described by a brave, community lawyer as blood-sport. She is now a strong advocate for Collaborative Family Law.

Since 2008, Kids n Dad Shared Support has advocated for an approach that placed a collaborative approach at the forefront of strategies to arrive at a two parent and two extended families shared, custody settlement for matters pertaining to a family breakup.

There are different forms of mediation, each with different wrinkles in how it is practiced. You need to be thorough in your interview of any practitioners of this form of support. Do your homework.

 There are resources identifying community supports.

At Kids ‘n’ Dad, we clearly have a ‘bias/perspective’ in what we advocate as the most desirable set of outcomes. Many mediators or parenting co-ordinators have their own set of bias/perspectives on best outcomes. Again, each parent, together if possible, should seek out human resources that are supportive of their parenting goals.

It is important to do your homework prior to going to mediation in order to be prepared for the emotionally draining task to reach a family centred settlement.

While we at Kids ‘n’ Dad strongly support shared parenting (40/40default minimum), it is possible that this is not going to happen. This does not mean that mediation is a failure. The process of negotiation and seeking fair compromises is worthwhile for parents and children.

We have a caveat to our shared 40/40 parenting. Out of mediation, each parent should have a level of certainty that they have the access time, parenting tools, flexibility and support of the other parent to own (thrive) their relationship with each of their children.

Please review the Resource Hub . Read the other sections to support your efforts to build inclusive family relationships.

Parenting: Holidays, special occasions, etc. and Parenting Plans

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Holidays

Barry’s general reflections on holidays and parenting plans

  • ‘Special days’ are often a source of sorrow, loss and grief for one or both parents, children and extended families following a family separation.
  • Special days make clear that the family is now separated, and things are no longer the same, even in separations that are relatively friendly.
  • These days may be in stark contrast to being family friendly to days that are tense even dreaded.
  • Consider ‘special days’ for parents: birthdays, anniversaries, school graduations, commencements and weddings, religious ceremonies, other life events.
  • Children may live in fear of something or someone triggering an emotional event.
  • Consider all the statutory holidays that are associated with family gatherings and celebrations.
  • Family vacations, Christmas holidays, March break, and summer school holidays for children.
  • The Resource Hub incudes PA days for our children for they often create the opportunity for parenting long weekends.
  • Resource Hub also includes school trips where parents may accompany and supervise their own child and other students.
  • Consider the never-ending opportunity/demand on children now with 2 families and re: new stepparents and families (see blended family section).
  • An effective Parenting Plan (PP) must accommodate all of these ‘happenings’ and dole out fairness and opportunities in an equitable way… or NOT.
  • The NOT outcome often leads to conflict, hurt feeling, anger, sadness and sense of abandonment. Even with an objective fairness standard in place, the above set of emotional outcomes may still occur and to be truthful are likely to occur.
  • Children often feel that their life is meeting the adult requirements of access. Again, read or reread the resource ‘After my parents divorced…,’

Solutions/Ideas or help!

  • Returning to a ‘normal’ family life without constant chaos must be our sooner than later goal. So mixed in with parenting equity, extended family opportunities and children’s needs is the goal of calm over chaos.
  • Any joint PP requires a fair, consistent formula to be included in the eventual PP to settle on-going disputes. Change is inevitable and in a two-family home it almost always has more complications.
  • Separating parents and a support professional can work out a schedule- the schedule can be your family’s version of fairness and what works for you on celebrating a child’s birthday, or a parent’s birthday or a nanna’s birthday or a poppa’s birthday.
  • Schedules can be explicit in order to accommodate almost everything or be simple and just go by the calendar dates and hope that equals fairness… most/some of the time (luck of the draw).
  • Parents often go by even/odd years for varying important holidays such as Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
  • Some families are big on Christmas Eve and less so on Christmas dinner. Birthdays on the actual day may have importance or not be as important.
  • Battling over something that is less important for you is a dangerous strategy. It occurs when one parent feels they are not being met half-way by the other parent. Flexibility and compromise to find win-win outcomes is a better approach. It is not easy, but the more often done the easier it becomes. Remember the move from chaos to calm goal.
  • In all of this it is important that these special occasions are about building inclusive family relationships in a dad’s home and a mom’s home. This is not easy; but these special occasions offer the opportunity for special times provided a child is not caught in a battle between parents and extended families.
  • How this works out- calm or chaos-depends on the commitment of the parents and their belief that their child needs and deserves every opportunity to have a flourishing relationship with all the essential, supportive family relationships?
  • See the Parenting Plans in different sections designed for accomplishing a Mom’s Home and a Dad’s Home.

Blended families

  • Families have traditions, so where possible, one should try to accommodate these family traditions.  
  • Christmas was a tradition in my family life- opening of gifts, grandparents, brother’s family, dinner, type of tree, etc. These were a few ‘demands’ that I made of my new partner on our first family Christmas with my children. It worked out, sort of; but my wife was pressured to accommodate to my previous life traditions i.e. not her traditions.
  • The kind of Xmas tree was very important, I thought. I insisted and my wife reluctantly agreed on my children’s family of origin Xmas tree.
  • When my children had families and their own Christmas tree ‘tradition to begin’- not one of the three chose the so called ‘traditional, family Christmas tree.
  •  I learned over time, that new traditions are more than OK. What seems incredibly important are often not nearly as important in the long run.
  • Blended families at Christmas and birthdays, etc., may suffer from children doing a comparison of gifts. Children from blended families are often in a measuring faze of costs.
  • For blended families, this can be a constant source of conflict in many areas of life.
  •  In blended families, where a step-child is in the home less than other children, their sense of belonging is often affected by their perceived sense of being lesser than; or other children in the home full-time may believe the parents are buying the other child off. To the children it can be viewed as who is loved the most.
  • It is important to find ways to communicate your love and their gift of being with you as a blessing in your life. For all the difficulties that life throws at you and your child, they must know that you value, care and love them… through whatever.
  • There is a wonderful little film called Eighth Grade (2018). It is an understated film about a dad and his about to graduate 8th grade daughter. There is a moving scene near the end of the film that captures the daughter’s perception of her life and how she believes dad feels about her. He then explains to her his realty. It is a magical moment where a parent pushes away life getting in the way and focuses on what really matters.
  •  It is more than worth seeing/ hearing again and again. It was magic to this separated parent.

A separated parent rarely seeing their child or severely interrupted parenting

These situations unfortunately occur too often – especially between a dad and child. We recommend maintaining contact for birthdays and other special occasions. This may require emotional strength, so I understand this may not be possible for everyone. I would include in a card an enquiry about what they are doing and an update on your life. If you feel like you wish to continue to give them a gift I would do so. The tragedy for the child is the damage caused by feeling abandoned. Remember their sense of what resulted in the separateness may not be reality.

You can’t be obsessive, but you can consistently deliver the only message perhaps available- that they are always a part of your thoughts and life.

Recommended readings:

  1. After my parents divorced….  (Globe & Mail) Listen to her voice and what she is describing that took her down the path to this essay. Read the comments by the readers.
  2. How divorced parents can have a happy Thanksgiving (and existence). (Globe & Mail, Oct. 6, 2011)
  3. Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support Christmas Essay: My Complicated Family Turns 20  (Kids n Dad Essay)

High Conflict Divorce: Mediating Parenting Plans

On By BarryIn During Separation, Parents

Please note – This article does not refer to women who may be experiencing verbal, sexual or physical abuse by their male partners.

Meeting with couples engaged in high conflict divorces, you are immediately thrust into an eye-for-an-eye battle. Such couples communicate with scripted monologues that presuppose both the opening statements and replies of the other. They each seek to redress the perceived imbalance of past wrongs and with each strike they heap more injustice on each other to add to their mutual discontent. They have secret code words and looks that are incendiary, causing the other to ignite without our perceiving the trigger.

The divorce process to these couples has less to do with negotiating financial and parenting plans and all the more to do with getting even. They each have an imagined value for the pain and suffering experienced in the marriage and look to the divorce to settle the score. They have lost sight of the best interests of the children even while using this catch phrase to couch their positions.

While some couples enter mediation in good faith, many high conflict couples enter mediation simply to avoid the high cost of the contested battle and in other cases to prove the inability of the other to negotiate. Mediation can be just another ploy in the battle to prove who is worse.

Put these couples in the same room for facilitative or communicative style mediation and watch them run roughshod over the mediator, particularly the uninitiated. The immediate response is a series of caucuses as the mediator recognizes their inability to control the individuals in the same room.

But what of the children in high conflict divorce situations whose parents are duking it out over child custody and access issues? The mediator cannot remain neutral with regard to the best interest of the children. High conflict divorce mediation requires the mediator to make clear this position – to inform the parents that they will advocate on behalf of the children such that their needs can best be met. The mediator should be commenting on parental behaviour and it’s impact on the wellbeing of children.

An objective with regard to developing a parenting plan is to inform, if not educate the parents on their destructive behaviour to the social-emotional development of their children while respecting the right for both parents to have meaningful relationships with their children. Their role is not therapeutic per se with regard to the marriage. The mediator cannot hold any rescue fantasies and must fully accept that the marriage is over. The mediator must therefore accept the foibles of the parents and as such only seek to instil compensatory strategies, teaching or structuring ways to mitigate anger and the exchange of parental information when necessary. The process also cannot avoid issues raised by the parties, particularly when issues of drugs, alcohol, abuse or inappropriate discipline or care are disclosed. Rather, the mediator must bring these issues to the foreground to be addressed as part of the plan. While each complains of the parenting of the other, it may be that both should attend selective parenting courses and that this be written into the parenting plan agreement.

Therefore, to stand a chance of a mediated parenting plan, the mediator must: be able to enter a high conflict situation; keep the focus on the children; accept that the parents won’t likely change with regard to each other; provide strategies to keep both parents meaningfully involved with the children; and address harmful issues. It’s a tall order.

The process requires an active and seasoned mediator with knowledge and training on child development and this is definitely not for the faint-of-heart. A defining variable in choosing a mediator is finding one who is able to handle the intensity of high conflict couples and offers a structured approach to the mediation process itself. The actual structure may differ between mediators, but each mediator should none-the-less be able to articulate their process.

The goal? A parenting plan both parents can agree to that meets the children’s needs and maintains relationships.  

Lessons from A Separated Dad’s Journey to Create A Dad’s Home

On By BarryIn After Separation, Before Separation, During Separation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following guest post was originated through conversations between Barry and a dad who at time of separation had two young children and shared parenting. The dad established a blended family. Below is a summary of the dad’s thoughts, concerns, and lessons from his journey.

Thoughts on finances, nutrition and health

Finances: consider initial issues – budgeting, paying bills, paying mortgage/rent, child support/spousal support, transportation; financial issues lead to mental health issues and relationship issues;

Try to avoid eviction which could result in interrupted parenting; credit rating issues, visa debts, etc.

Changing residences is common for a dad – difficult to parent in these circumstances; think residence through; what makes sense for you and your children; what can work? You want to establish a ‘stable environment’ if possible.

Can you afford a RESP if you have a young child?

Dietary: cooking skills- balanced meals, making interesting/healthy, school lunches; do your different children have special dietary needs? Part-time access dads too often eat out. You must learn to shop effectively, within a tight budget probably.

Home Health Care: What do you need in your new home with the children for everyday care. Think it through and if necessary, ask friends if this is not an area of strength. What are basic first aid needs for your children? Sore throats; insect bites, pink eye; bad falls; taking the child’s temperature and knowing what is alarming or a dull to normal range- or what steps to take to bring the child’s temperature down- when to go to emergency; etc.

Does your medical cabinet have all the necessary supplies to manage the day-to-day crisis? Are you competent?

Attend medical appointments; communicate info to the mother; make sure she knows that you want reciprocal information flow. Take a first aid course. Introduce yourself to your pharmacist. Read their brochures! Read labels on use of meds – children’s Advil, polysporin, band aids of every size, on and on it goes. Get advice from different sources.

Many separated dads now have infants and toddler age children. Many may have played a full role, others may have a limited role in the intact family based on any number of reasons; you must gain a comfort and competence level for the sake of your child and the parenting challenges you may face, going forward.

Don’t be hesitant to ask for help from any number of people with experience over many parenting years. There may be a fear within you about displaying a lack of knowledge; HOWEVER, you need this to be the long-term parent in your child’s life. Find trusted people in your life; work at filling in gaps in your parenting resume; be proud of yourself.

Early Stages (Hopefully) Mental Health

Do not be afraid to ask a trusted friend for their observations on your behavior. What do they see in you? You want them to be honest; you should not be hostile; process the feedback.

Most of us can handle the days and nights when we have our children. We feel like dad again! Unfortunately, when your parenting goes badly (not perfect as we envisioned), there may be several days each week without the children- the not-so-good experience can linger.

The possibility of an additional problem may depend on how you manage the days without the children. Behaviors can be harmful to you in the short and long run. Today the internet provides alternatives from on-line dating to gaming to…? The only pattern to life is the days with children, and days without the children often outnumber the first option.

Reckless behavior can be costly and lead to unpredictable parenting and a difficult parenting relationship with the mother.

GETTING IT TOGETHER IS A DIFFICULT BUT NECESSARY TASK IN THE EARLY MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS.

Your parenting life is not on pause and recognizing such as early as possible starts you down a path on building positive steps into your life.

  • 0-5: Practical steps: Doctor’s appointments; before school and after school appointments; early   years centres; YMCA; Community centres, play groups -inexpensive programs; parent-child swim; etc.
  • 5-12:
    • Find opportunities to be involved in your child’s extracurricular life through coaching, volunteering, school trips, etc.
    • Attend all teacher open house activities; Report cards and interviews; read daily planners for all the days; access school web site; stay on top of educational issues; be aware of any learning difficulties as your child progresses; find a pattern of fun and skills activities that you and your children will own for a lifetime.
    • Do the best job possible at maintaining or rebuilding a co-operative flow of communication with the child’s mother. There is a lot going on in two households for your children; if you can harmonize certain routines, life can become more predictable for everyone;
    • Each parent is different and may have very different parenting styles. You both likely know those difference from your time together. It is possible to employ that awareness into managing your parenting. e.g. use of video games, appropriate films, etc.
  • 12-18:  THE FUN/INTERESTING (???) TEEN YEARS:
    • The issues change during the pre-teen and adolescence years. Our own teen years sometimes influence how we handle discipline over the common challenges of these years: drugs, tobacco, alcohol, dating, motivation at school.
    • Peer relationships take precedent over family relationships. It is the natural order BUT for a separated dad who may have less parenting time to begin, it can feel like a loss of influence and oversight.
    • Adolescents in a two-home parenting scenario may go back and forth- not on the parenting schedule but on the kids’ schedule. It takes effective coparenting to stay in control of parenting decisions. It takes a different kind of parenting- keeping communication lines open- knowing their friends-recognizing troubles or mental health issues-preparing them for the next stage of post- adolescence life.
    • Remember the teen years in an intact family are also the ‘fun years’; so, don’t blame yourself or the other parent or the separation for every bump in the road.

Just do your best. Do what you need to do to be the parent you desire to be!

See the Resource Hub for more support.