Author: Barry

Everything that you probably didn’t want to know on legal issues and separation

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, financial, legal

Note on legal pages: The recommended resources, articles, etc. are offered in part to make you aware of the different situations that may be part of your on-going journey. The law does change through legislation and case precedent. Some recent articles talk about different case law and legislation that may be updated again and again. You must do your own update or engage a legal professional or access legal services at the Family Law Information Centre (FLIC) at the Court House. WE ARE NOT LAWYERS!

If it were my choice, the legal profession would be left out of the separating process until the final dotting of the agreement.

Parents would determine the parenting agreement with the support of any professionals required to ensure that each parent and extended family would remain an integral, parenting force in the child’s life.

Until our community adopts a process that is intended to maximize each parent’s role, most parents will require the use of family law lawyers at different junctures to settle disputes.

Unless low conflict approaches are employed from the beginning to arrive at a parenting plan, the separation years may seem to be never-ending.

The Resource Hub is focused throughout on two goals: a) a cooperative, shared parenting plan and b) a fair, equitable division of assets.

Accomplishing the above requires jumping through many hurdles at a time when anger, despair, and depression may be your companion many days. To make it through the shades of darkness requires a minimum, working knowledge of family law and the legal process.

Every section of the Resource Hub is designed to provide basic education on the different issues that must be resolved to effectively accomplish the goals set out in the Hub.

The separating process begins formally with the decision and an actual step to separate by one or both parties. Usually, there is an agreed to date of separation. This date may have significance in the division of assets and credit card debt, etc. You are now getting in to the nitty, gritty of detaching from the other parent.

Some former partners remain in the family home for economic/parenting reasons. However, the agreed to date of separation applies. Be aware that it could be challenged, if the parties engage in on-going intimate relations and /or cohabit in a way that creates some doubt over reconciliation.

Preparation before separating

Often, one or both parents/intimate partners have done homework on the separating process. In other words, one party gave the decision some thought, consulted a lawyer or discussed it with friends, who had personal experience.

 In cases of abusive behaviors within the relationship, many women specifically have reached out to professional support, who often recommend a series of pre-steps prior to leaving the family home, often without a conversation with their intimate partner.

This kind of situation is less likely able to avoid the use of the legal system.

If possible (in most cases this is likely), the difficult conversations need to be held prior to separating. It is possible that one or both intimate partners may need  support resources to set out the steps to a) actually initiate the separation in a ‘non-destructive’ manner; b) plan a family conversation to tell the children in a no-fault conversation (see section on Telling the children).

In the section on Domestic Violence, there are comments on the recommended steps found in many advice assessments to mothers. It is our position that there are better ways to ensure safety and create a calmer, separating environment.

The above steps are actually exceedingly difficult emotionally, and incredibly complex. At the very beginning, the Resource Hub is attempting to provide a GPS system to navigate unknown paths to a future that has two home parenting schedules.

If it is done thoughtfully and adheres to your parenting goals for your children and yourselves, you are off to a start to be proud of, even at a time, when the sense of failure may be overwhelming.

An informal parenting plan (initialed, if possible) can continue for some time, while everyone finds their equilibrium.

The focus must be on making the new routines manageable for shared parenting in the early days, weeks even months.

Sooner or later

The time does/will come, when one or both parents decide that the next step to a formal, parenting plan and financial division of assets makes sense. HOW THIS IS DONE IS OF CRITICAL IMPORTANCE!

Going from interim to permanent may make ‘sense’ to one party, but a giant leap for the other party. It sends a clear signal to everyone, who may have held hopes for a different outcome (other spouse, children and extended family or friends).

Now is the time HOPEFULLY for a conversation about how to accomplish the next step of a permanent, separation agreement. If the interim agreement has generally worked re: parenting, the pathway is clear with a few adjustments. In the resources, there are model, parenting plans.

Information and experts cited in the Resource Hub recommend that parents research the different, low conflict legal options; a) mediation and mediators; b) collaborative law and collaborative law lawyers; c) explore family lawyers with a reputation for an informal (collaborative-lite) approach; self-representation (see our intro post on this topic).

Seek out recommendations and do interviews together re: some possible candidates. A warning: once one party has formally engaged a lawyer in the traditional sense, it is likely that this is the direction going forward. As such, the approach on how to settle needs to be on the table before or ASAP following the formal separating.

Sometimes the next step is initiated because of a new relationship and one party desires to hasten or slow down the moving on. Whatever the trigger, one needs to recognize that the status quo of an interim agreement often has a limited shelf life.

 Conversations need to be held regularly re: where each person is on the choices/options to avoid a costly approach.

You are served

You can be served anytime, but it is almost always a shock even when you have been warned that it is coming.

The initial legal document often triggers resentment from the receiving party and often sounds as if it had been written by an angry, aggressive, former intimate partner. But broken down, it has generally just two goals: a) a parenting plan; b) division and equalization of assets.

The legal language and the argument/justification for the parenting and equalization often pushes the outer limit and sometimes well beyond that limit. There is often accusatory language -accurate or not or incomplete or simply false.

Read/reread all documents carefully for what they request! The language can often lead you to take your eye off the ball. You are human after all.

The financial demands may be outrageous or seem so; but remember financials are often governed by rules set out by Family Law.

THERE IS ALMOST ALWAYS A REQUIREMENT TO RESPOND BY A TIMELY DATE. DON’T MISS THE DATE AND THIS MAY REQUIRE A TRUE PLAN OF ACTION!

 Depression that leads to a failure to respond is potentially costly

As an example of being thrown off by such a document, I am reminded that I received an initial court document that stated that my children ‘feared’ me. This was a new, untrue accusation.

It knocked the heck out of me. Such statements, for most intimate partners, triggers a sense of betrayal and confirms the no going back. However, it is important that it doesn’t lead to erratic action through angry communication, public confrontations and interrogating the children.

YOUR NEXT DECISION IS NOW HERE! a) Find a lawyer to be your voice; or b) start learning everything legal in order to self- represent in writing your response; or c) prepare for a case conference.

There is a debate in some circles re: Is it an advantage to be the applicant or respondent? In theory probably no but …? The applicant sets the tone of the debate initially. The respondent must file a reply and may find it difficult to not only respond to the claims set out, but also to the ‘tone’ that attempts to support the claims.

There is some debate as to whether a respondent should refute directly and/or make counterclaims; or simply reply with a simple rejection i.e.” untrue”.

The tone within the document often provides insight into the reasonableness of the other parent and their lawyer.

Discipline, education, organization and taking care of self

Overload is often a major problem for a separating parent at this juncture.

 Consider the different life changing forces in your life:

  • being a parent, negotiating with your children’s other parent…constantly (nothing is normal);
  • convinced that you are failing your children;
  • performance at work;
  • shortage of money;
  • building a mom’s house or a dad’s house;
  • rebuilding your own life; etc. 
  • Oh yes, learning to be a lawyer to save on what you pay, or self-representing;
  •  keeping all the documents straight and on time with different orders.
  •  It goes on and on, with documents that are dissing you and everything good that you believed about your parenting, intimate relationship and family.

The good news is that most of us survive the chaos!

Legal representation

What are the major areas to understand, whether self- representing or with a lawyer? The following is a broad attempt to identify issues faced by separating parents with children. Further research is your responsibility.  A range of websites and resources will be set out.

  1. The Legal process is outlined in a chart in the resource section. The case conference and settlement conference paperwork are prepared by you (if you are self-representing) or your lawyer, working with you. The goal in Ontario and new Federal legislation Bill C-78 is that the parties will arrive at a signed settlement following mediation or the Case Conference or the Settlement Conference. Few cases go to trial, thank goodness. Unfortunately, there is often considerable pain that is expensive in reaching a settlement. The reality is that even today it is a rare case that goes to trial.
  2.  It is also true (to this writer) that fewer trials do not necessarily lead to equitable/fair, co-parenting plans. It can be about exhaustion and financial resources.
  3. Financials: You are encouraged to do your homework on everything financial. These would include maintaining/obtaining past financial records, tax returns, matrimonial home paperwork, defined pension plans valuation, RRSP’s, possible spousal support, child support, other property, possessions, all types of debts, etc.

The more of this prep work that you do on your own the less time (fees) charged by your lawyer.

  • Spousal support is unlike child support. Child support has binding guidelines, that are applied when parenting time for the paying parent is less than 40%. Spousal support has always been uneven or even one might say all over the map.  Spousal support guidelines are now generally applied by a judge, with some discretion, case law and a range of options based on their own judgment.

The duration of spousal support payments is based upon the length of marriage, etc. Many settlements provide a range of payments, often with an uncertain duration for longer term relationships.

 If spousal support is a possibility, each person should read over the guidelines and prepare a case for what is reasonable/fair.

  • Read up on self-representation. Consider whether you fit the suitability/ temperament to do this work. Included are resources and sites for your consideration.
  • If parenting arrangements are a major source of conflict, consider alternative professional resources. They include the OCL (Office of the Children’s Lawyer); private assessors (do your homework on their belief structure); parenting co-ordinators (homework required also); special masters; FRO (Family Responsibility Office).
  • Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a tragic parenting situation faced by too many parents (usually faced by a dad and their child). See the resources for high-conflict-hostile aggressive parenting and PAS.
  • Specialists for children from high conflict family separations are often required. Again, one needs to do your homework on their credentials and their belief structure.
  • Mediator/Arbitration may be required to settle financial disputes.
  • High conflict cases often have a Domestic Violence allegation or child abuse claim. For a dad, this is often a difficult allegation to fully overcome. As such, it must be part of the legal equation in terms of creating a parenting plan. Locally the John Howard Society offers what is called PAR and the Caring Dads’ program, generally for men.

Many fathers are directed to the program by the court, and it may be a quicker route to being reconnected to their children – even if the claims are false. F&CS is almost always involved in such cases, based upon protocol, notification requirements. (see notes on F&CS)

The principal reason for F&CS is to protect children. Therefore, all allegations of any abuse impacting a child requires a safety assessment. Often a lawyer, who specializes in working cases with the F&CS should be hired.

Parallel Parenting Plans are an option in high conflict cases. The recommended resources include such plans.

  1. Abductions. Hague Convention. The possibility of such situations must be considered; especially at a time when diversity in intimate relationships is part of our social landscape. Fathers and mothers often have strong family roots in different countries. (See Resource Hub)

For each of the above situations, recommended resources are included, and they may point you to additional resources that fit your family situation.

Points to consider

Other factors to reduce costs and communicate effectively with your lawyer – a few thoughts:

  1. Read up on the lawyer’s responsibility to client. Read over individuals’ experiences in he resources.
  2. A common complaint: “I can never get a hold of my lawyer. On occasion, his legal secretary returns my call.” Ask about the lawyer’s availability and how the two of you are going to effectively communicate.
  3. How does the lawyer prepare for your Court date? Some lawyers simply meet you at the Court House. How do you provide him/her with your input? What should your expectation be when you go for a hearing?
  4. Is your lawyer competent? Is he good in court? Are you certain of his/her integrity? Are they prepared? Don’t readily accept his fairy tale that you can’t lose. The lawyer is your expert, but they represent you and need to provide you with input, so that you can assess the next legal steps. You ask them the questions about alternatives i.e. the value of a sit down with the other party to resolve certain issues.
  5. Don’t pester your attorney (on the clock) with questions suitable for a counsellor.
  6. KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN FOCUS. In my work with 4 lawyers, not one really talked about the impact on my children. The lawyers were into the’ blood sport-normal adversarial’ process. See resources-essays.
  7. Be honest about situations that show up in court documents. A lawyer can only assess what they know.
  8. Be organized with your information for your lawyer to save time (money) and to ensure he understands the information provided.
  9. Expect professional work and be respectful.
  10. Clarify the lawyer’s charges (retainer) for everything they do for you- down to the phone calls talking to the legal assistant.

Begin to separate your day to day financials IMMEDIATELY upon separating. Remember that separation date!

  1. End joint credit cards, without cutting off key household services. Do it in a timely way.
  2. Start up your own bank account. If possible, remove 50% of any savings. Tell your partner what you have done or are doing.
  3. Protect certain assets from disappearing. Sometimes these assets simply disappear, especially in families that are drowning in debt.
  4. Get all your financial records together. e.g. tax records; mortgages, how the down payment was made; car loans; define pension fund valuations; credit cards at separation date;
  5. Change all relevant passwords, pin numbers, account numbers, etc.
  6. Figure out a financial plan immediately. It may be depressing, but it is necessary. Because some assets are unavailable initially, short term planning may be an absolute necessity.
  7. Grandarents may be an option. Many parents/grandparents do get stuck in the quagmire, so they need to understand the legal status and costs. It can be an added burden to you to have such debts to aging parents.
  8. Many separating families have borrowed money from parents or grandparents for down payments, home renovations, etc. This may have been done on a formal or informal basis. This needs to be part of the equalization process;
  9. Changing/updating your will may be required at some time in the process, including beneficiaries. This would also be a time for parents to review their wills,

Further Comments

Our legal comments are based on the experiences of hundreds of clients navigating the separating process. They are offered to make you aware of the legal issues that are a continuing part of the separating process.

 It is important to do your own homework on the relevant issues that are never-ending, when you have children who have yet to complete post-secondary education (a degree or diploma).

Summary of the Kids ‘n’ Dad Approach:

  • Try to make choices that are intended to be positive for your changed family.
  •  Do not be frustrated by the different parenting and financial conflicts. Forgive yourself for any flaws in your decision-making.
  • Remember the different resources – human or internet- to educate yourself.
  • The problem-solving model employed by the parents I.e. a peaceful and respectful approach to each other acts as a model to your children and a way forward over the long-term.
  • Do not sign anything legal that leaves vagueness and an opening for legal mischief.
  • Verbal agreements are not binding. Weigh the pros and cons on these kinds of agreement.
  • Leaving the matrimonial home as a way of taking care of the children in the short term may be damaging to the children. There are choices such as sharing/splitting the matrimonial home time with the children. The one risk is whether this presents the risk of a confrontation.
  • If some action feels risky- it probably is!
  • Do not buy into your lawyer’s argument that you have a winning position-clear cut. The truth is that he/she could represent the other spouse with probably the same words being employed.
  • Use our resources and others to determine the +’s and – ‘s of self-representation.
  • Each parent needs to start building a home for their children during their parenting time.  A common error is to leave the children in the matrimonial home-absent on parent- for some time. They need EACH parent in their daily life.
  • The initial weeks and months of the separation for many families is often a time that runs up debts, on top of previous debts. Two homes are more expensive than one home. Depression is common and thus job loss, absenteeism, sprees for the children to ‘buy’ happiness or affection are common concerns.

Be sure to look at the different sections that are connected to the legal journey.

Common misunderstandings that can frustrate separating parents

  1. The perception that child support is going to simply enhance your former partner’s lifestyle, not the children. Child support is a court order and is for the other partner to use as they deem proper.
  2. You cannot change a Court order unilaterally because you have unusual debts in a month. On occasion, a former partner may (if payments made directly to them) voluntarily consent to a change.
  3. Child Support is not tax deductible.
  4. Child support does not end automatically at the end of secondary school. Steps must be taken.
  5. Persistent arrears can lead to loss of license and even being jailed. Visit the Attorney-General’s Web Site re: Good Parents Pay.
  6. Some paying parents threaten to quit their job or reduce hours. This is a dangerous strategy.
  7. A new family with children does not reduce the obligation to your children from a previous marriage.
  8. Consumer proposals do not free/reduce child support, arrears or obligations. Occasionally arrears may be made more manageable through a repayment plan negotiated with FRO often in a Court setting.
  9. Arriving at a settlement for arrears or other matters is expensive, even in situations such as the end of a child’s schooling. You may need a lawyer, who specializes in FRO matters.

In the resources are Family Law articles. They cover some nuanced cases, that are on issues mentioned in this section. Unfortunately, Family Law is often made/created from unusual cases, that have extraordinarily, little relevance or reality to families at the lower end of the financial setting

For more voices on the impact of the legal system in separation, see Our Kids Matter and My New Family Matters…Too!

My Complicated Family Turns 20: December 2013           

On By BarryIn After Separation, Holidays

            Barry and family at the holidays

‘For me, as the woman and new wife behind the man, I have done everything asked of me to fight this battle. I love my husband and my son loves his stepfather and this is why I choose to stay; but I’m very tired…almost all the time.’

– Excerpt from My Family Matters…Too! written by a subsequent partner, mother and stepmother

Twenty years ago (Dec. 4, 1993) I took the marital plunge for the second time. It was the first marriage for my wife. 

About a month ago I turned to my wife as we were appropriately watching an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ and blurted out: “You realize this anniversary is a small miracle”.

She was silent for a moment and replied: “ A small miracle?” 

She was correct. I used to cry a lot. I could often be found rocking in my only real piece of furniture (no legs missing), facing inward toward the wall. I was a mess, a poor risk.

This past year I met many new couples struggling to build an enduring relationship following a dad’s separation.

The underlying fear (may last forever) for a separated dad is that their relationship with their children is at risk. The fear only recedes during their weekend or midweek parenting. The children’s return to mom’s house brings an eerie silence to his place. Silence has become his enemy!

It is the difficult task of a non-custodial parent to reconcile and accept the parenting inequity. They have to learn to deal with the pain…for their child’s sake… for their own sake …and for the sake of any new relationship. 

The challenge to a serious, intimate relationship is managing these intertwined relationships: namely, to maintain/rebuild the dad-child relationship and to build a loving, enduring, new partnership through the chaos and unpredictability. 

 The shame is that many loving relationships are unable to navigate safe passage. 

Many dads almost immediately stumble into being a non-custodial (part-time) parent. A legal system that takes pride in so called ‘no fault’ divorce makes judgments and choices about parenting. A father intent on securing calm for his children is often left on the outside, his face pressed against the window to his children’s lives.

In the non-custodial parent’s life, holidays and birthdays with children are rarely celebrated on the actual date. Information (school, medical) on his children often is delivered second hand, weeks late or not at all.  A non-custodial parent may feel like an intruder in their children’s school, even in their lives. 

New partners face the same challenging complications of unpredictability only with an additional layer of angst- their views on parenting and what they need as a couple are often treated as less important, less relevant by a dad dealing with the heightened risk of parenting loss. 

‘You are important, you are a parent, you still have a family.’    

– Isolina Ricci: Mom’s House, Dad’s House

         

The Christmas season was/is a reflection of our family’s 22+-year journey through the chaos and madness to our family’s version of calm. I offer this as a tribute to my wife and the other new life partners who have helped dads find love, companionship and calm through the madness.

During my first Christmas outside the matrimonial home I agreed to return for gift opening and Christmas dinner (including my extended family). A reasonable thing to do? The reality was that it was about pretending that nothing had changed when everything had changed. It had costs for everyone.

The second Christmas was to be about a lesson learned. I would only open gifts with the children in the matrimonial home. No Christmas dinner. That meant my first Christmas dinner since forever without my children. My parents added another complication with their arrival for gifts and dinner. By that evening my thoughts kept repeating: ‘my children, my matrimonial home, my parents, and where am I again?’ Feelings of loneliness, despair and betrayal overcame me. The rocking chair became my home!

In some ways Christmas also mirrored life during our courtship. There were occasions when dating paused with no guarantees of a restart. I thought that my responsibility was to fix (end) everyone’s pain. My wife laughs now at my use of the term courtship and asks, “Did I miss it? When was it?”

My wife’s gifts during the ‘courtship’ stage were life changing! 

Her faith and constant reassurance that I was a caring man and a loving father came at a time when I questioned everything about myself. She was my partner to recovery.

By Christmas #3 we were married (just three weeks earlier). What should have been a joyful moving-on Christmas was flat and empty. My father had a stroke two months earlier and he never recovered. The chaos of the post-separation had left our family wounded and now claimed my father as a victim. 

Christmas #4 and #5 were to be our coming out party. We would have a family brunch – a Lillie tradition. We fretted that no one would show up. I insisted that everything should be the way (actually identical) the children were used to. We couldn’t risk doing something different. I can only wonder now why my wife didn’t sit me on my rocking chair with the following order: “Don’t move until you see the error of your ways.”

Recognizing my error was incredibly important. New traditions enrich your children’s lives. It was also about my acknowledging my wife’s grace, style, humour, intelligence, wisdom, etc. to my children. Just as she displayed her faith in the wounded me, it was my time to demonstrate my faith in her.

Over the years there have been even more difficult occasions when she called me out for my failure to find the balance between a dad’s ‘original fear’ (the one that never leaves) and making our relationship all it should be. Each occasion was a reminder that the journey is now our shared journey and the risks are now our shared risks.

As I look back, I realize that my children came to respect her for what she gave to me and her unique, valued contribution to their lives. They understand now as adults the difficulty of her journey and the sacrifices she made along the way. Their acknowledgment of such was an important step for her and me,

Our family will now gather for our umpteenth Xmas brunch in our no-longer-large-enough condo (with all the children and grandchildren) and all the trappings and beauty brought to our home by my wife. I will likely cry – a tradition. They will be tears of joy for our family’s miracle; and tears shed for those of you still on the uncertain path to your own complicated family.

The family home that I was at a loss to build during the early separation became dad’s house 20 years ago on December 4th, 1993.  I soon realized that ‘we might have something pretty good here’ when my children referred to our place as ‘dad and Elaine’s home’.   

A miracle?

A few weeks ago, as we left the theatre on a cold, dreary evening. My arm dropped by my side and her hand instinctively found mine. My thought was that the ‘miracle or not’ was revealed in that act – that we were able to find each other’s hand in the best of times, but even more importantly during the inevitable chaos and adversity.

My Christmas and New Year’s hope is that everyone who is part of the Kids ‘n’ Dad extended family may find their way to build a dad’s home and even more. 

For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.

No-Fault Divorce and Family Renewal

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Fathers, Mothers

Even at the worst of times, each parent must keep in mind the twin concepts of no-fault divorce and family renewal. The first supports parents in achieving the goal to discover calm out of the chaos of emotions that are swirling inside each parent. Renewal is about optimism about what is achievable. Together, these concepts can help you to navigate the challenging conversations ahead—with each other, with the children, with friends and family—by uniting your efforts in a common vision. The alternative is simply to act in survival and to live life in and out of chaos for years or even a lifetime.

The No-Fault Approach

The reason for a separation for most parties is normally irrelevant to the legal process. Almost every former partner eventually gains perspective for the reason for their failed intimate relationship. Research indicates that women/mothers are more likely to trigger the actual separation. This doesn’t mean they were the cause—only the eventual decision-maker. Dads are more likely to be out of the home (at least without the children) than mothers when the separation begins.

The legal concept of no-fault divorce is an effort to end drawn out litigation over the cause of a separation. Unfortunately the good intention of no-fault divorce often is lost to conflicts over parenting access and a legal process that is adversarial and combative. It is, however, a worthy concept.

Collaborative law has become an alternative legal approach that has recent favour. The collaborative process is endorsed by this project and you are encouraged to access the Legal section. We are not necessarily proponents for the legal system’s version of collaborative law.

The question for every professional from you:

“Do you (professional) have the tools to help our family make it through the chaos and anger so that our children have the best opportunity to have the love and support of both parents and extended families forever?”

Family Renewal

Renewal is possible if each parent truly takes ownership of their most important focus as separating parents—namely, that each parent loves their children more than they are angry with the other parent.

If either parent is unable to affirm that statement then they need to find support that helps them to meet their parenting responsibility.

See the Safety and Legal page for more on navigating the complexity of divorce.

From Day Care to JK to Secondary School Graduation to Victory Lap to Post Secondary Programs

On By BarryIn After Separation, During Separation, Parents

“The school years for children and their separated parents are often a reflection of the manner in which the parents invite or disinvite the other parent to be a parenting partner in the children’s lives.”

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

I recollect receiving a call from a support group father that his JK daughter was about to participate in her first Christmas school concert-renditions of Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman were to be the evening fare. He asked if he should go. He worried that everyone in their small community would know that he and the mother were now separated, for they would be visibly sitting apart.

I, not so politely, told him to get his ‘derriere’ to his child’s concert. The day after the concert he called with joy in his heart. It was as If, at least for the moment, he became a parent reborn.

I often remind parents in our annual Christmas newsletter that they should not forfeit the joy of being with their child and all the other parents and grandparents in this school gathering. It can be sometimes difficult and even painful. Parents facing a form of estrangement may find it too overwhelming; but forfeiting your role as a parent in the school setting sends an early, wrong message to your child and the other parent.

Professionals suggest that many fathers surrender too easily when faced with the indignity of being on the outside of these common school events.

For the dad in the above situation, with a child at the beginning of their school life, it was vital that he begins the journey in step with his child.

Why the school is a significant other in your parenting life?

  • Teachers are sources of insight re: you child at every age.
  • Teachers spend more time with your child than many parents do, even in an intact family for some age groups.
  • For separating families, behavioral issues may be spotted by the schoolteacher and coaches. In secondary school, issues such as truancy, lates, etc. may suddenly appear on a report card. Often a parent with less parenting time may not see the report card to become aware of these concerns.
  • Secondary schools are not always the best at ensuring that both parents see their child’s report card- even the majority parenting time parent may not receive the final report card.
  • As a former secondary teacher, I am somewhat ashamed at my/our indifference to do an effective job in supporting children and both separated parents in their difficult journey.
  • In the resources, there are some suggestions re: father involvement and better outcomes for children. In most separated families, fathers have reduced parenting time and less opportunity to influence outcomes.
  •  The school staff is even more important as a source of insight for a parent with less parenting time.
  • Schools, in general, have no policy or programs to include fathers in their students’ lives. Schools get used to mothers, often as the voice for the child, through their regular participation within the intact family. Mothers may be reluctant to communicate ‘problems’ to the other parent in fear of it reflecting back on them or a fear of causing a parenting conflict.
  • School trip supervision provide an opportunity for the ‘other’ reduced time parent to be a full participant in their child’s school day. This will allow them to 1) build a relationship with the teacher(s) in their child’s school life; b) to meet their child’s school friends; c) to be proudly displayed by their child, and for the child to see their parent in a different setting; d) etc. It is a significant parenting opportunity.
  • These opportunities should be shared by joint and shared care parents. Even in ‘sole’ custody arrangements, this should be included in the parenting agreement.
  • Updates on activities, notices and class work, where possible, should be provided to both parents. This may require what I call ‘polite relentlessness’. Teachers are busy and this adds another small step to their life. It also means that you think it is important. It is too easy to let it slide and could result in loss of parenting credibility.
  • In the intact family, you often shared school responsibilities together. You worked as a team. Now you are no longer the same team and the other parent, at best, doesn’t necessarily see it as there parenting role to keep you on top of everything school.
  • The bottom line is that even 50% parenting time (shared) requires a commitment to certain school activities as if you are a single-family parent.
  • By the way that is the mentality that you need. Leaving it to the other parent doesn’t cut it.

Other School Issues

  1. Decision-making re: school. There are decisions required over a range of different topics, concerns. They vary depending on the age of the child; e.g. program selection i.e. French immersion, school activities, counselling needs, etc. Separated parents with joint custody parenting agreements need an agreed to process for working these issues out together. They should be set out in the separation agreement/parenting plan.
  2. Parenting plans should have an annual review in August or earlier to look at the upcoming school year. Try to anticipate extraordinary expenses and consider any changes to the parenting plan that allow it to work better for everyone e.g. changes in work schedule, before or after school needs, rearranging parenting days, etc.
  3. New complicated (blended) families. The role of the stepparent evolves depending on the relationship with the other family and the stepparent’s relationship with stepchildren. The issues can be about the stepparent picking up the stepchildren at school or attending parents’ night. The comfort level of everyone can be involved in the stepparent’s decision. It can be a decision that causes difficulties for the stepparent. Children can also feel caught in the middle. It is also important that the role of the stepparent as a parent of record for pick up on certain days is known by the school for younger children.
  4. There needs to be clear understanding by the school of the priority for calls re: a child’s illness during the school day.
  5. Extraordinary expenses appear in different sections. Again, the Aug. review is the appropriate place for determining shared expenses, not included in the child support. They are not clear, and the Child Tax Benefit may also be considered depending on the parenting plan. Extraordinary expenses for most families (limited means) are a difficult test for parents. Other factors that impact parenting in the long haul are loss of a job, shutdowns and layoffs. It is important to include in the separation agreement a process that humanly approaches these kinds of common situations.
  6. The end of secondary school has a few more wrinkles for separating parents. Child support ends at the end of secondary school- usually in the child’s 18th year. There are many children who require another year for completion and/or choose to upgrade or part-time school to play a fall or winter sport. The latter is sometimes called a victory lap. It can be a difficult parenting decision, even for intact families i.e. a collective decision by parents and child.
  7. In a separated family, where child support is paid by a parent, there is an added implication of another year of payments to the recipient parent for the child if the above occurs. It may become debateable re: the worthiness of this decision for the child.
  8. A child after the completion of secondary school should be taking care of their own expenses by working if they are not doing a post-secondary educational program. Common-sense needs to be employed; but many children have drifted away from the paying parent and may feel estranged or distant from that parent. Navigating the ‘end of school’ should begin early. Read up on the legal responsibility in more detail, so that you are prepared for this possibility. The separation agreement should anticipate this common situation and put in place a process to resolve differences.

 Drifting in hope that it goes away can be an expensive choice

  • Post-Secondary programs: In general, the parenting responsibility for a paying parent is an obligation to the completion of the first degree or diploma. If the child continues school immediately after secondary school, payments continue. The additional costs each year is a bit messy.
  •  Some justices have employed a 1/3 responsibility for each parent and the child. This is somewhat of a negotiation. In addition, there is considerable financial support in Ontario for students in general and students with less means. Parents should be in contact with the child’s school, preferably two years ahead, to ensure a full understanding of all financial possibilities. Many parents, with limited means, should have their child consider post-secondary schooling within the Region.
  • The conversation needs to be had with the child early on, in order to make them aware of the financial reality. Early on allows for all parties to work toward the needed support for the child.
  • Many separating families have toddler age children. Beginning an RESP should be explored as early as possible. It obviously can be a very difficult time financially; however this may also be at time to include grandparents or other significant supports. RESP’s present a rare opportunity to receive ‘free’ money from the government toward your child’s education.
  • Ending child support is another messy situation. As stated earlier, it can end at 18 upon the child completing secondary school. Some children take a year off and plan to return to school with some savings (?) from a year of work.
  •  In our view, the payer should no longer make payments during this work year. We do not know if the child does return to school until they do. I would suggest that the payer parent set aside some/all of the child support payment previously paid in anticipation that the child does what was intended. This will allow for some financial flexibility.
  • Unfortunately, the possibilities at this age and stage of late adolescence are unlimited. Parents and child would be better off if they agreed to a common approach based on everyone’s financial position. Payments of child support to a parent would be completed. The parents and child work out a plan of support that includes the child’s financial contribution through work or student loans. Bursaries, scholarships and grants would be considered assessing the yearly financial costs. It is our contention that everyone is better off if they are full participants in the discussion and outcome. Each parent has an on-going interest in their child’s success. While this approach may not be in strict adherence of Family law, our collective experience suggests it is a more fruitful approach for most families in the long-term.
  • End of Child Support: If the parents agree to the idea in #9 or #13, then child support should be terminated. If it is done through FRO, the recipient parent provides their consent by signing off with FRO. The parents will implement their new post-secondary plan.
  • The recipient parent should consent to terminate child support payments following the completion of 1st degree or diploma or similar accepted program. Failure to do so is fraudulent behavior.

Comment: There is a place for common-sense in the financials connected to schooling. A good working relationship with the other parent works for the child and parents. There is almost always limited financial means.

 Selfishness rarely works in the long run.

At this stage- the launch into independence-initiates the time for the young, adult child to have a more responsible relationship with each parent.

Looking for more resources on education? Check out the Development and School sections under the General Parenting Resources on the Audience page.

Decency in divorce – reflections from a separated dad

On By BarryIn After Separation, Fathers

The following guest post was submitted to Kids ‘n’ Dad in response to a newsletter by one of our dads. It has been condensed and reproduced with permission of the author.

My marriage fell apart not from infidelity, abuse or any other catastrophic event. It was a marriage that failed bit by bit over time as two people simply grew further and further apart, day after day, year after year, evolving and maturing at different rates into a couple that eventually didn’t recognize each other. In 2004 it ended. Friends and family tell me I am decent, that I am a super Dad, my kids do love me, I have a new relationship, and I am still standing after all that has passed. On a bright day I consider myself a survivor.

Decency is to me that innate ability to do the right thing. To overcome those visceral emotional feelings that we all share and still manage to act in a way that is just, fair and equitable. The process of separation is long. It’s not pleasant. Spite lives in its dark recesses and often those involved will hide behind the long tattered robes of lady justice to defend their own actions.

I am one of the fortunate ones who does have an end in sight. My spousal stops in five years. I did manage to keep my kids for alternate weekends — Thursday evenings through till school Mondays — and alternate Thursday overnights. That one extra overnight has made all the difference in the world; it’s the days you wake up with your kids and put your kids to bed that count. Full days with Dad. I love them, my kids love them.

I have heard the same “life is not fair”, “you have to move on”, “learn to survive this”, “no it’s not fair but that’s just the way it is” etc. I have read the virtues of living in the now, I have searched for my Buddha within and been to hours of counseling. I now look in the mirror and I see an older man. Almost beaten. Tired, but I know my “battle” is over. I have a new vocabulary shared with other men who have been through the same ordeal.

Here are my lessons/things to do differently:

  • Don’t sign anything, especially if it seems to leave a legal “backdoor” open.
  • If it feels risky to you – it probably is.
  • The more you can learn of the Family Law act the better. It’s an easy read and can be purchased. My Lawyer gave me one of the office 2007 copies when she received her 2008s. What I learned from it helped us work together and saved me the “stupid question” invoices.
  • There are no stupid questions.
  • A verbal “promise” isn’t worth the air it’s written on.
  • Lawyers lie. Good ones won’t lie to you.
  • Good Lawyers are very hard to find.
  • Leaving household items behind is dumb. Replacing 1/2 of your possessions is a lot easier than replacing all of them. Consider that you’ll be doing it all with about 15% or 20% of your gross income.
  • Don’t spend on stupid things, retail therapy is only good for credit companies and shopkeepers. Keep every penny you can, you’ll need it.
  • The dollar store is a fantastic and magical place!
  • Don’t care about what your ex does with transfer payments, it’s no longer your money.
  • Kids have enough to deal with, you are there to support them, not the other way around.
  • Always include a statement in your settlement that reads to the effect “regardless of catastrophic changes in circumstance support may not be renegotiated”. There is a book with a set of usable paragraphs (about five of them) that basically state three and four different ways that you have both read and understand that this document is final. Final is final when it is undeniably defined clearly as final.
  • Focus on fairness, respond with calm, never respond when angry.

Finally, remember — that as long as your children are alive — you are in a relationship with your ex. Doing your best to maintain decency during the divorce (if only from your side of the camp) will pave a much smoother road ahead as you navigate co-parenting.

I know a handful of ex-couples who now get along fine. We should all try and be adults.

To be repetitive, I heard a phrase once, “All those things that you thought would never happen, well they’ve happened… It’s what you do now that counts.”

Looking for more stories from separated families? Check out the Fathers and Mothers sections of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.

Managing the short-term in order to effectively parent and grandparent in the long-term

On By BarryIn Fathers, Grandparent, Mothers, Parents

At some point in time during the separation years, I felt estranged from each of my three children. It was unbearable.

It is not necessarily a forever outcome!

Our experience is that almost every separated parent suffering through an estranged parenting relationship will have an opportunity to ‘repair’ that relationship. It is our task as a parent to be prepared to seize that opportunity.

Parenting a young or not so young adult child offers wonderful, even ecstatic times, in part because of the difficulty of the journey.

Below are some general conversations of possible parenting opportunities that could help enrich the lives of your adult children and their immediate families.

Families do come in all shapes, in every form, and are sustained and strengthened by the enduring love of each parent to their child and their child’s child.

– Barry Lillie, Founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad

 Situations

Talking about the cause of your separation to your adolescent or adult child is for many of us an unwanted conversation.

Based on the early months, even years of separation, the conversation may seem frankly too dangerous.  Silence or the status quo may seem ‘kind of comfortable’.  The question that remains for every parent of a separated family is whether they must abandon being a parent and just become an adult friend.

 My experience suggests that parenting to your adult child is very different and requires a complimentary set of communication skills and self-awareness. But I would assert that it is part of what you committed to when you became mom or dad. I would also suggest that you have a continuing debt to your child for what happened in your intimate relationship with their other parent.

  • Your view of the cause(s) of your separation likely have modified from the explanation initially provided to your children, at the time of separating.
  • The original explanation likely lacked ‘texture’ that would help your children in their future relationships and life. You may see this need in your children at different times in their life, and through their more probing questions about mom and/or dad.
  • “So why did you and your ‘life partner’ with children separate?” For most of us we move from a blame game-my fault or my partner’s fault- to a more in-depth dissection of what went wrong, and importantly what was good and why did the good somehow get lost along the way?
  • Most of us as adults/parents in an intimate, committed relationship know that our childhood experiences had profound consequences on our lives; the same is true for our children. This site has enumerated many consequences for children. The question is why we would not think that our children deserve the best advice/lessons that we can provide based on a more complete understanding of our life changing, family crisis.
  • It would be safe to say that my son and I were at our worst in his teen years and in the early years of separation. As we moved into a calmer period in his twenties, I suggested that we go away on a 5-day golf excursion to North Carolina. To my surprise and pleasure he agreed.
  • It could have gone either way re: the getting along part. On our way home, travelling the inter-state, we looked at each other travelling at 120km and gave each other a bear hug. It was as if the difficulties of earlier times were set aside and were now only background to our future relationship.
  •  It would no longer cause us to flee to the safety of silence. This moment was as magical as the moment the F&CS worker placed him in my arms at two months and he became my son.
  • Finding the opportunity to (re) connect with your child provides a path to life conversations that are about integral, parenting relationships i.e. the lifelong task of completing the whole of your child.
  • Accomplishing the above allows/invites you into the lives of future grandchildren.
  • An explanation given to a child of seven is unlikely to meet the needed explanation for a young adult in a committed relationship. This is a time when most parents can hopefully provide an understanding that is more complete and less burdened by the immediacy, overwhelming emotion and even depression.
  • Many of us can see in our adult children behaviors that indicate their doubts about commitment or their search for caring relationships or…?
  • The separation process, unfortunately, has a consequence of painting a dark picture of their parents’ intimate and parenting relationship. For most parents- including separated parents- there were many wonderful family times that lasted for years. It is important to convey that to your children.
  • Many adult children have lost those memories to the chaos of disruption and two, separate homes. Quite frankly, too many parents have also lost the good times to that same chaos. 

Question: Is our legacy to our adult children to be chaos and division or a narrative/understanding that reflects a mixture of family success and lessons from intimacy breakdown?

               ‘Children of divorce miss their original family when the breakup occurs and when they get older and rework the experience.’

– Judith Wallerstein: What About the Kids

Photo Albums and what they mean for a separated family

  • If you are a parent that agreed to leave the matrimonial home, then you likely left with an uneven distribution of family ‘things’; often this may include family photos that illustrate the family history;
  • The visuals in my day were photo albums, that provide a journey through the parenting years together as an intact family unit. They are a shared record of fond memories.
  • We believe strongly in shared parenting (min. 40/40 parenting time for each parenting time with each child); however, whatever the parenting time, each parent has the responsibility to their child to provide a continuing bond to the other parent and their previous life in an intact family.
  • Interestingly, family pictures (I took none with me at the time) are a history of your family. My failure to understand that reality effectively left the children’s mother to be the guardian of the family journey.
  • In a beautiful, loving way my daughter knew that pictures of the children and past family events touched my soul and she went through the family photos at different times and helped to convey our shared family life by providing copies of our journey as an intact family. This may seem a small thing, but it is not!
  • You are conveying an important message/model. Most importantly, that you are a family and that you are not afraid of the past or abandoning the past. You are stating that your journey with your children is continuous and to be cherished.
  • Children become adults and pictures are reminders of fun and silly times together with more to come in the changed family. Pictures connect the family history through the generations- child to parent to grandparent.
  • There are many ways to build on the changed, but continuous family theme.
  • In the section on parenting, it is important to allow your child to see that through all the current tension- that you are able to talk about good times that were part of the family’s daily life. Remember for most of us the ‘worst’ of times took place in the closing months of the intimate relationship. Even if it was over a longer time, we managed to protect our children and manage day to day living.
  • I would also suggest that you are not afraid to connect past residences with times in the child’s life.
  • The one red flag (it is important) is that when in a ‘new family’ you need to consider any new partner’s sensitivities.

 Moving On

Family is content not form.

– Gloria Steinem, activist and writer

I became a parent through the adoption process for my first two children. Many times, during the early years of separation (high conflict), I felt an extraordinary level of guilt. I suspect that it goes with the territory; but I always felt a moral obligation to be this ‘perfect parent’ because another parent(s) and F&CS entrusted me with two children. I had not finished my responsibility. Of course, I had that same obligation to my youngest child who was born the old fashion way.

This sense of guilt is our partner, often for some time. Guilt can paralyze or motivate us to learn ways to not repeat errors or to allow past mistakes to control our life. It can feel very difficult to assert our standards to our children. It is easier to shy away from talking about our failings, even in the face of knowing our children require guidance in their on-going lives.

Moral failings are part of most of our lives. Having an affair after feeling alone for some time in a now, loveless relationship is the wrong order of doing things. Often, our older children see the events in their family through the perspective of the ‘wronged’ parent. This perspective may derive from an actual failing or may in fact be completely false. Two narratives may still be operational for years.

An earlier section talked about ‘no-fault divorce’ and your joint responsibility to explain the separation to your children. It is important, as your children grow older, that you are up to refining your explanation to meet their ‘refined’ questions as they embark on serious, intimate relationships. As an aside, my youngest daughter just asked me how/when I met her stepmother. Something triggered a question that she needed resolved.

Children need parents, stepparents and grandparents, who have the capacity to frame the past in ways that lead our children and ourselves to a brighter future. I would suggest that you focus on the issue of forgiveness for yourself and your children’s other parent. At some point, one needs to create at worst a business-like relationship with your former intimate partner and be able to engage in needed conversations with your children.

Serious conversations with your older children require perspective, calm, thoughtfulness, reflection, listening skills, making it not about you, while talking about your inner journey.

Communication skills that are conciliatory, invitational and to the point are an important tool for successful co-parenting. Even with the above steps, it can feel like a steep climb because your child may not be ready to hear a modified narrative and is ‘stuck’ still in anger or detachment. The ‘other’ parent may still be in their own state and hindering or even sabotaging progress.

In the end, the rule is that we can only be in control of our reactions and our actions. Be proud of your positive changes and the preparation/hard work that you have done to support your children.

Topics that are a part of each parent-child relationship from a separated family

I married just shy of 22. I have no recollection of any discussion of intimacy, marriage, etc. with my parents or anyone else. I learned, whatever I did learn, through what I observed through my parents and grandparents. In both cases, they remained together (intact) through thick and thin. I suspect that their marriage would not have survived the changing perspective on separating today.

My marital breakdown was a first for my family and as such it had overtones of failure from every corner.

My mother at some point suggested…strongly that I had been spoilt. For years, I have tried to understand her criticism/observation. She and I never made it together to a place where calm had replaced chaos. She and my father died prematurely, in part, from the prolonged chaos of the separation.  (See grandparents’ section)

One of the significant losses from a ‘bad’ separation is that wounded, caring family relationships may never have time to recover i.e. it can feel like everything good from before has been discredited.

 I go back to this theme because unless these conversations take place between parent and child, the unanswered questions remain open wounds with lifelong, negative consequences.

How do you answer the question about a missing dad or mom? How do you answer questions about why there are no paternal grandparents in a grandchild’s life? The questions are more than just a question; they require an answer/explanation that provide an adult understanding, that supports our children and our children’s children to navigate life.

For grandparent specific resources, see all blog posts with the grandparents tag.

How do you recognize a criminal from a father?

On By BarryIn Uncategorized

The following essay is a response to the case of Kitchener dad Jesse Sansone.

Most of us are able to relate to the parenting task that Jesse Sansone was happily fulfilling as he went to the family’s neighborhood school to pick up his young children. He was unaware on that afternoon that he was entering the twilight zone; a place where the best of who he is (a dad) would be demeaned and marginalized.

This unwanted attention for Mr. Sansone and his family was prompted by a classroom drawing by his 4-year-old daughter of her dad (in her own words) ‘shooting bad guys and dragons’ with a (toy) pistol. Dad would not be returning home at the normal time with his daughter’s hand gently but securely tucked in his.

The involved authorities state unequivocally that they acted properly. The Record newspaper published a letter by the local Executive Director of Family and Children’s Services detailing their mandate and thus their justified intervention. The other participants, school officials and enforcement, offered explanations that employed a remarkably common language about their ‘obligation’ to follow the protocol and procedures such a perceived threat.

In their rush to deniability these public bodies have conveniently blanked out the consequences for a bewildered father and family for the innocent drawing of a dad and child at play. These same authorities seem puzzled by the outrage. They somehow expected to be granted a pass because of the ‘greater good’ that they represent.

But to accept their rationale would be to accept that it is impossible to 1) protect our children and 2) protect the rights of innocent parents at the same time. Those two goals are not incompatible and indeed should be the gold standard for this significant collaborative. Trust must be earned and never demanded or taken as a given.

I was tempted after reading about the initial trigger event to call in the superhero dads of my parenting days; namely the intrepid Detective Donald (Duck) and the ever-earnest Papa Berenstain (Bear) for help. Unfortunately, I fear today that Pape Berenstain would likely find himself at the end of a reckless endangerment allegation for his misadventures with his ‘little ones’ in search of the elusive honey pot.

According to several news reports the dad, Jesse Sansone, was unceremoniously taken into custody as he entered the school – part of his normal routine. Once in custody at the police station, Mr. Sansone was required to remove his clothes for a full strip search and given a blanket to keep him warm overnight in his cell, prior to an arraignment the next morning.

Mr. Sansone’s alleged crime – possession of an illegal firearm. The reality was very different. As stated earlier, his daughter had simply described to the teacher in her own words that her dad was shooting ‘bad guys and dragons’ with a (toy )gun. The teacher informed their principal who was ‘obligated’ to involve the police and Family and Children’s Services. The governing protocols and procedures were now in full play. Thank goodness her drawing did not include her father attired in a ‘hoodie’.

At almost the same time, the police and Family and Children’s Service (F&CS) workers arrived at the family home to ‘voluntarily’ take Mr. Sansone’s wife and children to the office of F&CS and to execute a warrant granting police the right to search the Sansone home.

The mother was now likely separated from the questioning/interview of her frightened children by closed doors; the father was now separated from his frightened and bewildered family by a locked cell.

The father was processed by protocols employed by police similar to those involved in a domestic call. There is virtually no room for the police to use discretion based on their interviews – an officer is taking dad into custody. If Mr. Sansone had be incarcerated on a Friday afternoon, he would likely have found himself at Maplehurst Correction Facility in Milton, in general population until his return for a Monday morning arraignment.

The Executive Director of F&CS defends her staff for adhering to the protocols that govern these matters and by their important mandate ‘to investigate allegations or signs that a child under the age of 16 may be of risk of harm.’ The Director is rightly concerned that the reaction to this case could lead to outcomes where the public and teachers turn a blind eye to suspicious behaviors. That would be a shame!

I would suggest to these authorities though that the children were put at risk once the existing, flawed protocol was applied. Could any of these authorities be certain that their actions would not trigger serious, unintended consequeences.

In an interview following his unconditional release, Mr. Sansone almost by accident asked a critical question: “how do you recognize a criminal from a father?” Would this incident have been a non-starter if the drawing had been of a mom playing shooting dragons and bad guys with her daughter?

What does it tell us when every trained professional at every stage made the choice of a criminal over a father at play? Has our community reached a place where the agengies entrusted to partner with parents to safeguard our children’s welfare so readily accept and hold such a negative image of fathers?

Did any teacher express doubts at the family’s school? Why was a reasonable explanation not initially considered likely, or Mr. Sansone’s explanation immediately explored? Is the process so intimidating that it creates self-fulfilling outcomes for everyone involved?

Why did the police not do a complete investigation at the school? Did he police have a social worker available at the school to interview the child immediately before the dad was taken away? Are there not additional steps in the protocol prior to the strip search, blanket, and cell?

Why were the mother and children taken to F&CS? Why did they not do the interview in the parents’ home? Was the mother automatically interviewed as a victim of domestic violence? Did the mother have legal representation? Did the questioning attempt lead the mother to say bad things about her husband? How were the mother and family protected from any potential, overzealous tactics – remember that self-fulling thing? Is access to these interviews and notes readily available to families to ensure transparency?

A frightened thought to consider – where Mr. Sansone would be today if the police search failed to discover the actual toy pistol drawn by his daughter?

“All parents have the right to be treated fairly and respectfully, without exception’ – Alison Scott, Executive Director, Family and Children’s Services, in the Waterloo Region Record Mar 3, 2012

Since schools enforcement, and F&CS work together on these protocols, they must share responsibility for an approach that failed to meet the standard set by Ms. Scott in her passionate defense of her agency’s work.

Take a moment and consider that what happened to Jesse Sansone and family was by design. It is a set of procedures that has been followed repeatedly. Police Chief Torigian in the Record (June 15, 2012) has apologized for conducting a strip search (called a thorough search) as opposed to a less intrusive frisk search.

Reading between the lines – it is still unclear what is the strip search policy and the Record ‘kind of asks but chooses to leave alone’ whether the current procedures by Waterloo Regional Police adhere ot the ruling of the Supreme Court of Canada that requires reasonable and probably grounds.

Fathers are not a throwaway/disposable part of an intact or separated family. They are a key part of the parenting partnership that creates the best environment for their children and thus our community’s children to become resilient and productive young adults who know they are loved for a lifetime.

Mr. Sansone’s question has not yet been answered by these agencies. How do you recognize a criminal from a father? Unfortunately, it appears that this question has little interest for those involved. That is perhaps the most worrisome episode of this debacle.

Fathers are not the enemy; kids and dads go hand in hand!

Until that is professionally acknowledged in words and on-the-ground protocols, I would suggest that every parent hide those crayons away and pray that your family is spared the travesty that struck the Sansone family.

See the Safety and Legal page for more on those topics.

Letter to God from a proud father

On By BarryIn After Separation, Alienation, Fathers, Guest Post

The following is a feature post contributed by to Kids’n’ Dad by a Separated Dad. Names have been altered to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Dear God,

This Wednesday is my daughter’s birthday. As usual, I am going to celebrate having a healthy and talented twenty-four year old girl. Whatever my financial situation, I never miss her birthday, and this year is special. I’m going to take a day trip to Niagara Fall and enjoy a five- star buffet lunch at the revolving restaurant at the top of Hilton Hotel to enjoy the view. Mary is with me in my heart! 

It was 15 years ago Mary, and I had a Happy Meal together at MacDonald restaurant to celebrate her ninth birthday. It was her idea to have the Happy Meal because she was collecting Pokémon toys that came with the meal. We spent a solid one hour of quality time together mostly at MacDonald’s and in the car. Her mother called that a special privilege – she was kind enough to allow the extraordinary hour outside my visitation right. She proclaimed that was out of the compassionate ground as a good Christian – our Separation Agreement did not have a birthday clause. Well, she had sole legal custody, the laws allowed her to make all decisions, major and minor, for the best interest of our daughter. I have no other options but wholeheartedly accepting whatever offer was granted from the mother to be with my only daughter.  If not, I could go back to the divorce court for another battle.

According to the Separation Agreement, my visitation right was bi-weekly from Saturday 8 AM to Sunday 5 PM. In addition, there was a footnote attached: the mother had the right to change the time and date for the visitation by giving the father sufficient times and reasonable clarification. It was not written explicitly in black and white what was sufficient and reasonable.

The week after Mary’s ninth birthday I had her for the weekend.  Her grandparents were at the cottage; my mother missed her so dearly and they wanted to celebrate her birthday and present her with gifts. It was a wonderful weekend for the family gathered beside the lake with a camp-fire and full of laughter. Unfortunately, most good times and happiness are impermanent. On Sunday afternoon I was ready to take my daughter back to her mother, but my father had a severe pain in the chest. So, we decided to rush him to the Walk-In clinic in town for checkup since my father had a long history of a heart condition. It was an unforeseeable situation and I left Mary’s mother a voicemail on her answering machine to explain the dilemma and mentioned we will be late arriving home. At the time, the only means of communication for both of us were the landline or emails. Fortunately, it turned out my father’s chest pain was a pulled muscle, so I drove them back to the cottage.  Again, I called my ex-wife at the gas station and left a message to inform her we were on the way home.  

By the time I and Mary got back to her mother it was almost 8 PM. Two police officers were in the house. Apparently, my ex-wife reported her daughter was kidnapped! Out of frustration and under distress, I argued with my ex-wife in the presence of the police officers and my daughter concerning my father’s physical health. I was told by the police officers to go home and do not come back to her house until I heard from Children’s Aid Society. It turned out that was the last time physically I was with Mary.

First time on Monday morning, my lawyer informed me that my ex-wife filed a restraining order due to my aggressiveness and her safety, and I had to play by the rules to stay away from her and Mary until further notice and investigation. That sparked off another new round of custody battles. First was to remove the restraining order and then the amend the original Separation Agreement. The divorce court and processes are very complicated, prolonged, and not to mention very expensive. It took more than two years and two court appearances to have the restraining order removed and added a couple of clauses so that I have the opportunity to see my daughter more frequently with the blessing of her mother. During this time, I was prevented from contacting my daughter – not even supervised visitation until the court made the final decision and legally amended the Separation Agreement.

Finally, the day arrived – what a relief – and my visitation right resumed. It happened on that weekend of Mary’s twelfth birthday. I phoned my ex-wife on Saturday morning to arrange to fetch my daughter. To my surprise, another bomb exploded – my ex-wife told me that Mary was not feeling well and was not in the mood to see her father. I insisted to come to the house to see my daughter with her birthday gift.

Was it a crime for the father spending time with his daughter?

I arrived at their house, and although I knew they were inside the doorbell was not answered. After a few minutes, someone must have called the police, a police cruiser arrived, and I was told to stay inside my car while the police officer went into the house to speak with my ex-wife. My anticipation was the police officer coming out hand in hand with my daughter with a smiling face. On the contrary, my dream turned into a nightmare. In fact, I got a stern warning from the officer not to come near the house to cause trouble until I heard from my lawyer.

My immediate reaction was to turn to my lawyer for help. He was the smart one that negotiated the best deals for his clients. The answering machine from his office said he was out of town for business. Without wasting any more time, I called the Family and Children Service (FACS) and spoke to the on-call case worker and explained to her about my distress and even reported that incident as child abuse because the mother prevented the daughter to see her father. The FACS worker delivered the same statement I heard before so many times from the authorities: Please stay away from the house until further notice!   

I received a call from FACS on Monday morning with an invitation for a meeting. Eagerly, I went there with high hopes and a bagful of court case notes and legal agreements. The result of the two hours meeting with FACS was that they clearly explained to me that their protocol was to investigate child abuse and the best interest of the child without bias. In other words, they were going to hear both sides of the story and my daughter played the major role.

During FACS investigation, my visitation right was on hold. Eventually, I received a report from FACS after two months and two days. The verdict was sweet and simple. The case manager set up eight counselling sessions for father and daughter to re-establish their relationship since they have been apart for more than three years. Graciously, I accepted the offer with open arms and looking forward to heal the wounded hearts. I fully understand the impact of the family conflict on the child’s mental health.   

Enthusiastically, I showed up early for the first counselling session, like a first date, with a box of chocolate and the birthday gift, my daughter’s favourite Harry Potter book. Unfortunately, my daughter did not show up, and I went home disappointed. The counsellor reassured me he would contact my ex-wife to remind her of my daughter’s appointment. The next week I attended the pre-arranged second counselling session with the same box of chocolates and the book. It was a no show. The counsellor advised me to go home and wait. Do not do anything foolish – stay away from them for now. FACS will look into the matter.

A few days later I received news from my lawyer with FACS recommendation.  The reports spelled out in details the obligation of FACS. Basically, the best interest of the child means that – all custody and visitation decision are made with the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging the child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood.  According to the divorce law, when a child is over 12 years old, he or she has the option to choose and make his or her decision. The finding indicated my ex-wife was a good mother since my daughter attending a gifted school and programs, living in a positive home environment, without her father’s involvement. What?

My lawyer comforted me and told me not to worry for he had a plan for how to get my daughter back. His strategy was to hire a child psychologist to make some assessments and prove my daughter is suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome. We could throw the medical diagnostic in front of the judge to pressure him to change the Separation Agreement and FACS findings to my advantage. My lawyer even willing to do it at a reduced rate of $25,000.

That was not a win-win situation. I decided to walk away, not from my daughter’s life, but from the divorce industry. I had no more money and energy to sit in court again without end. I already lost my house and half my pension savings, and now my daughter. The only rational solution for me is to change my mindset since I could not change the situation. Even though my daughter and I were not physically together, I’m still trying my best to be her father; persistently, every Christmas and birthday I continued sending her greeting cards and gifts. Sadly, most of them are returned to the sender. Eventually, I stopped when the new house owner informed me, they moved away without leaving a forwarding address.

It was 15 years ago the last time Mary was with me at the cottage. We had no contact at all. Nowadays, it is not difficult to search for personal information on the internet. I found out from Facebook – the pictures were almost unrecognisable – it shows my daughter has become a young lady, not a child anymore. She had been with her mother and an unknown person visiting a couple of exotic tourist places. Her LinkedIn illustrated that she achieved high distinction. She was awarded a full scholarship for post-graduate school. Besides academically excelling, she had been active in student leadership. I read her writing on social justice issues. 

This year I have good reason to celebrate my daughter’s birthday with style. First, I have fulfilled my child support responsibility since she completed her first university degree according to the Separation Agreement. Second, my spouse support payments obligation have only five more years to go.

I am a proud father. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a healthy and talented daughter!

Looking for more stories from separated families? Check out the Fathers and Mothers sections of the Audience page or the guest posts highlighted at the top of our blog page.

To separate or not to separate?

On By BarryIn Before Separation, Parents

The initial reason to end an intimate relationship with children is often unclear to one or both parties. It may simply be the accumulation of factors that have resulted in the gradual end of intimacy and supportive caring. 

The consequence is that the actual process of separating may take many different forms. They may range from a single, precipitating event to a drip, drip, drip separating i.e. continued co-habiting without intimacy. Some separating parents have an opportunity for a ‘rebuild’ and others less so.

Second thoughts in a calm environment can lead to finding the right professional services to support this process. Even if the parents decide to separate, a calm approach is more likely to create conditions for a parent and child friendly future.

If one parent is very comfortable that separating is the right decision, then that must be accepted and should not cloud respectful decisions re: parenting the children.

 If getting past the choice to separate by the other parent is too difficult or blocking your way to compromise or personal recovery, then you need to seek professional support. In addition, it is often helpful to find a friend that is able to provide trusted feedback to you re: your state of mind and the choices that you are considering. This has risk for your friendship and needs to be done with agreement on the rules for openness. An honest discussion about what you need could open the conversation. On the other hand, continuing, destructive behaviors may have serious consequences on the friendship and many other relationships. Many family member and close friends can be lost to a chaotic process.

 This is a critical moment for many significant relationships in your life- not just your (former) intimate partner.

Entering the FRRP with an expectation to rebuild an intact relationship potentially is going to have negative outcomes (anger/frustration). Let the relationship play itself out. Rarely can you persuade the other person to make a different choice. The other partner has to come to that choice.

 Time is often required! If both parents go through the FRRP and one person decides that separation is right for them, then finding your path to acceptance and personal recovery is necessary. The final decision by one party to separate can trigger a return to anger, despair and sadness. This is the time when poor choices are often made.

Separating: Is there a better way?

 Remember the obvious- separations rarely occur because the partners are feeling good about the other partner. In fact, many signs have likely been available for some time about one or both party’s unhappiness. Sometimes this lack of togetherness has been masked by busyness at work or through a focus on a child (ren) engaged in activities. One or both parents may have found it convenient to deny the reality of a distancing intimacy.

A few considerations to avoid negative triggers:

  1. Don’t put off a conversation about your intimate relationship. It may feel dangerous; but ignore at your own peril. Many couples have been sleeping alone upstairs/downstairs for months.

This ‘arrangement’ can change in a moment i.e. ‘a dead relationship walking’; so we need to be aware of that possibility and the anger that can accompany such a change. Separating needs to be done by agreement, not following a heated argument that can have lasting, negative outcomes.

  • The matrimonial home: Preferably I don’t believe that either parent should leave the family home unless they have negotiated and signed off on a basic, interim parenting plan. A possible interim parenting plan is offered in the attachments.
  •  This site provides a process for the parents to explain to the children in an age appropriate way what is taking place and to answer any questions. See the sections on talking to the children and stages of development.
  •  There needs to be no rush to finalize anything! An interim parenting plan may provide some breathing room. An interim plan is not a comprehensive, separation agreement and not considered problems may surface. The principles of the agreement and the ultimate goals should govern these concerns. It is important to remember that children need their parents to be a model of civility. The mere fact of your separation triggers uncertainty, doubts and questions often left unasked by you children. They are constantly sensing everything that is going on.
  •  Remember that common parental fear re: losing your child in the separating process. A small success leads to further successes. Can you both attend school or extracurricular activities? Can you communicate about medical issues re: your children? Can you make the occasional parenting switch to deal with life? This immediate transition period is about rebuilding parenting trust at a time when relationship trust has been damaged.

             ‘The act of divorce in itself is not dishonourable; but we are meant to be conscious about the manner in which we conduct ourselves during the process of recanting our vows.’ (Carolyn Myss, Anatomy of the Spirit)

A Personal Story of Separating

It was a sunny March afternoon when I departed the family home. My three children (ages 12, 16, 19) were doing what they do on a Saturday afternoon. My wife and I had deferred the separating or not conversation for some time; but for some reason the conversation had begun anew in the past few days and I for some unknown reason agreed to be the one to leave the home. In some ways, that most important second decision (who would leave) was taken for granted. I insisted that everyone that mattered understood that there was no fault by myself or perhaps more accurately that fault lay in equal portions between us. For some reason it seemed important in the lead up to this day that friends and extended family understood this no-fault/mutual fault thing?

The leaving for many fathers is a default position where we are still in our caretaking role and our belief that we can handle living with less comfort and without children.

I had arranged to stay at a colleague’s in-laws’ home. What I thought was a basement apartment was a small room with a shared bathroom.  I unpacked my bag of a few items and sat there pondering the future. I had spent no time preparing for this moment!

Leaving the family home without my children was immediately devastating/overwhelming. I was totally unprepared for the impact. Sleep would not be my companion that night as I processed the past decisions. The night before leaving I slept on my 12 year old daughter’s bedroom floor beside her bed. I prayed that she would somehow sense that I loved her forever …through whatever. I feared that she was at the most vulnerable stage.

I decided to return to the family home the next morning to tell my children’s mother my plight. She was insistent that we had made an agreement and that I should honour it. It was an emotional conversation!

 I recall the journey home that morning and my emotional vulnerability after that first night outside of ‘our’ home and my children. The familiar drive took me by a swamp that I barely noted in the past. I had this powerful urge to drive straight into the beckoning darkness and simply end the pain. Most people who know me would suggest that I was normally the rock in the family; yet within twenty-four hours I had entered a dark place, unknown in my pre-separating life.

 One change had taken place following my short return ‘visit’ to my family home. My 16 year old daughter chose to live with me. She packed a few things and returned to the room. I don’t know if I was supposed to tell her to remain in the family home with all her middle class comfort.  I was probably selfish at that moment. I knew the role of being a parent. I desperately needed to be reminded that I was indeed a parent and that just maybe that would not disappear.

That night as my daughter slept in our 10 by 10 room, I pondered from my bed on the floor what the next step would be. I remember the mixture of feeling like a failure as a father, an intimate partner and a provider.

My daughter’s choice brought on that second evening thankfulness over despair. I had my swamp moment for the only time in this journey. I recall it still as if yesterday and of course the blessing of my daughter who reminded me that I was still a dad! I have never forgotten that gift.

Lessons

 My personal story is about thinking that you understand what is about to take place. Probably not! a) The swamp moment was not in my plan; b) life without my children-even for a day-was not in my plan; c) life outside the family home was not in my plan; d) my daughter moving out to live with me was not in my plan; e) splitting the children was not in my plan; f) etc.

The decision to separate triggers emotions that can shock and disappoint you about yourself and/or your former intimate partner. At the same time, life continues in ways that you may be ill-prepared.

Judith Wallerstein (What About the Kids) suggests there are three immediate challenges that every separated parent faces simultaneously with the emotional turmoil that may grip you in the first days, weeks, and months.

  1. Getting your life under control. Restoring yourself and rebuilding your supports.
  2. You must prepare the children for the break-up and support them through the crisis.
  3. Create a new relationship between you and you former intimate partner and the other parent in your children’s lives.

Comments

Many (most) parents are dealing with at minimum a low level of depression prior to separating. The actual triggering of the separation often unleashes more emotions and may deepen depression.

As parents, we often at this moment focus on our children (rightly so); but this can add to our own sense of failure. We feel an obligation to take care of everyone else –children and grandparents.

Caring for ourselves must be an ongoing process; it is important to find moments immediately where you build in your day activities that distract you from your current day-to-day crisis.

Make a list of 3-5 such activities that could fit your daily schedule.

Obsessiveness. It is very easy to fall into this trap. You may become very easily a non-stop talker and non-stop thinker about what is taking place in your family life. Your time with the kids is more nervous than ‘normal’- even interrogating children. Your time with friends and colleagues is about bending their ear or hearing them armchair quarterback your situation.

Self-Discipline. Allocate a limited time to focus on the different relationship problems. Obsessiveness leads only to circular thinking and saps your energy. Find time that is free from your normal routine.

In our section on talking to the children, there is an approach that reinforces a no-fault explanation and advocates for a two- parent involvement approach. The more that you own this approach you will be supporting all parties through the crisis.

The children’s health has positive consequences on your mental health.

Accept that parenting is much harder in a separating family on almost every possible front. It is also doable!

Both parents need to make a list of significant others in each child’s life who should be updated on the family situation i.e. teachers, coaches, caregivers, etc. They can be a valuable resource. Again, a no-fault approach should be employed. Do not enlist people in personal day-to-day updates re: perceived failings of the child’s other parent.

Accept that you can’t make everything perfect for your children. You weren’t able to do so in the intact family – don’t add unnecessary emotional baggage. Don’t turn the children into your comfort blanket. It is too easy to do and it is likely to turn them off the other parent OR lead them to escape your smothering.

Your relationship with your children changes in many ways.

List how it has changed already!

 If you try to insist that there is to be no change, it is likely that you are insisting on pushing the other parent away.

The new relationship with the other parent begins with how you separate and the approach on explaining the separation to the children.

Our emotional state can have long-lasting consequences. You must ignore the hurtful, emotional response and remain focused on positive outcomes for the children and thus yourself.

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.

Parenting Plans: An Introduction

On By BarryIn Before Separation, During Separation, Parents

Our position is all about maintaining/rebuilding enduring, integral parenting relationships through the disruption and chaos that often accompanies a family breakdown.

There are many relationships that contribute to a child’s positive development over the years, and into adulthood.

Parenting Plans (PP) may create a pathway that sustains the different relationships over time and build strong bonds that can withstand the stresses and strains that life inevitably throws at every separated family as they transition into two homes.

Our resources support creating parenting arrangements that accomplish the above mission.

Each family has their unique history and as such require their own common and unique pathway to achieving their parenting mission.

Kids ‘n’ Dad’s believes that for every family there is a pathway to creating a parenting plan where each child and each parent can maintain/build  parenting relationships that they own.

Every PP should be created where each parent feels confident in building an enduring, thriving relationship with each child. While they must accept that it will be different in two homes, it can be successful.

No parent should accept a plan that is likely to be in the long-term unsuccessful at what should be every parent’s mission.

A parenting plan provides an opportunity for parents to place their forever love for their child ahead of anger or disappointment at the failure of their intimate relationship.

For parents with the parenting will and commitment, there are NO external forces to prevent their success, provided they keep their eyes on the purpose; namely, integral parenting relationships for each parent-child-extended family.

Templates and Resources

Parenting Plan Options – Broad Choices (two week-14 day cycle)

  1. 50/50 Parenting Time- requires high level of cooperation; flexibility that deals with occasional changes; full-participation by both parents, grandparents and stepparents in everything child. Access/care time may be unique to the parents and works for the child i.e. week on/week off; 2/5 and 5/2 2-week schedule, or your unique schedule.
  2. 40/40 Shared Parenting Presumption: The remaining time is negotiated between the parents;  it is viewed as fully shared parenting, including decision-making re: the children.
  3.  Joint Custody: Usually a 9/5-day parenting schedule or 10/4. Shared holiday schedule; full participation in everything child- more or less. This is less than the many of our resources recommend.
  4. Joint Custody- more bare bones. 10/4 or less.  parenting schedule. Holidays week-ends may not be fully shared.
  5. Sole Custody: Decision-making re: the child rests with one parent on major issues. The parenting access may be similar to #2 or #3. Updates re: major decisions should be written into the agreement re: school, medical, etc.
  6. Parallel Parenting: detailed on virtually every aspect of parenting. This is for high conflict parents but allows for shared or joint access. The parenting rules are set out in detail. Decision-making (issues not thought of) probably requires an accepted process of outside professionals.
  7. Generous access parenting: PP that provides the home, based parent control over defining ‘generous’. May work for workaholic parent; allows for flexible work schedule.

Looking for more support? Check out the Audience and Separation Stage pages of the Resource Hub for additional articles and tools.