The family conference—coming together and discussing the coming changes for the family—is a scary and unpredictable time. Every member of the family will bring their own particular vulnerabilities to the discussion, which makes it all the more important that you as parents feel as prepared as possible.
There is, in our view, a parenting obligation to do a script and for both parents to participate in talking to the children. The parties do not need to be together in the room. One can follow the other in talking to the children. The common script for ‘difficult’ situations can be done with the help of a family counsellor and they can provide additional support or context in the conference. Intimate partner abuse, child abuse allegations and mental health concerns are a few situations that may require additional support in this phase.
Preparing a script for navigating the family conference
Remember the no-fault approach
Each parent should assess the challenges facing each child prior to the conference. Consider their age, childhood stage, uniqueness of each child, relationship with each parent or sibling, etc. There is an impact on every child in every stage of life.
Parents can then compare their thoughts prior to a family conference. This will allow them to begin the process of creating an appropriate interim parenting plan and the groundwork for a long-term plan.
Decide on an interim parenting plan prior to the family conference. Practical questions need to be answered and explained. A parent that suddenly disappears does not support shared parenting. An interim parenting arrangement should maximize parent-child engagement in the now changing family. In some ways this is a trial agreement. Be flexible based on the feedback from the children.
The agreement should be initialed by each parent and witnessed. If this is too formal, it is perhaps a good idea to inform parents or good friends of your initial plan. You may need an outside support to help you live with the agreement in the short run.
The Family Conference Dynamics
If possible, do the conference together, and take as much time as necessary. You have developed a script using the no-fault plan and have anticipated possible questions. The key and most difficult question is why you are separating. There are of course many difficult explanations where one partner feels aggrieved by the other partner. There are ways to do an explanation that follow the no-fault concept.
If possible do the explanation conference at a minimum of 2-3 days ahead of either parent leaving the family home.
Children at different ages, stages, gender, special needs and attachments may have very different reactions. Your preparation may still fall short. Remember the framework that you and your child’s other parent developed.
Often your sense of personal unhappiness and damage to the family is not the child’s view of their world. Children only know their family’s dynamics i.e. they understand their family and have no real comparison. Children generally choose an intact family over separation.
Some children (usually over age 10) have a distorted view of one parent and have already entered this family conference with their own judgment of blame or blamelessness. The separating had begun months earlier by one parent and this had the consequence of isolating one parent from the children. Both parents have an important challenge in this situation. The blamed parent must not be thrown off and hurt; the favoured parent has a responsibility for the child’s sake to gently move the child to a healthier place.
At the conference it is possible to remind the children that the family continues on in a changed form. Both parents are going to continue to be part of the child’s activities and school life, etc. Don’t minimize the change but don’t exaggerate the complete separateness of the children from either parent or extended family.
The atmosphere that you create in the meeting hopefully allows the children to express their feelings of anger and sadness; anger and sadness are natural emotions here. It provides an opportunity to be reassuring. Be the best listener. It is a valuable skill going forward.
If the children are quiet (very possible) anticipate questions that are unasked.
Plan a second meeting with a specific time i.e. two weeks later. It is easy to let it go because it is so uncomfortable for you as parents. Some of this discussion will simply be a blur to children. It is likely that the on-ground changes will prompt more questions and a need to review and even adjust the original plan.
Take a moment to assess the meeting and don’t be afraid to compliment the other parent for the way they managed the meeting. This is laying the groundwork for future success as separated parents.
Do your own post meeting assessment- a parent feedback session. Keep it civil.
Small successes need to be recognized. This is very tough ‘stuff’. Your interactions are observed by your children. They see and hear everything in their changing world. They can become a caretaker for one or both parents or isolate themselves from both parents. Neither option is healthy. Many children have friends that are from two homes and may appear accepting of this dramatic change. There is likely much more going on inside the child.
Please find below just about everything that you never wanted to know, but need to know, about alienation and estrangement. The readings are in different sections, but are obviously intimately connected.
These cases have been the most troubling in my 20+ years working with alienated/estranged parents. The impact is heartbreaking for the parent and grandparents of the impacted child(ren). Many stepfamilies are unable to survive the stress.
It is common (understandable) to become obsessed in this kind of situation and be focused on what is happening and not on how to mitigate the impact through positive steps. Remaining healthy through the chaos of alienation is perhaps the most important survival tool for a parent.
The following are possible resources that may help you under stand what is taking place in your life. Understanding is a first step because friends may simply think it is just you being angry – ‘you have lost it!’ One link below includes a survey to help you determine what you are facing and therefore set out an approach to limit the impact.
External resources and tools
The following tools were created by organizations or professionals that support separated/separating families.
That toxic tug of war (Globe & Mail, April 24, 2009 by Justice Harvey Brownstone). This Justice speaks out on what he sees in his court and his solution for changing outcomes.
Hague convention (Government of Canada). This is the ‘world court’ that governs international child abduction.
Parental Alienation – Keeping Families Connected; A resource to identify, battle and recover from the devastating effects of PA and PAS.
Case studies
Actual situations that capture the tragic impact of different forms of alienation.
Depression, individual and extended family, is very common for families in high conflict cases. The recommended resources provide an incomplete range of outcomes. Remember the tragic outcomes can often be for a lifetime. Seek out professional support for your family early on (warning signs noted), make sure that the support has a two parent strategy in place and what that looks like.
Families are profoundly harmed in these situations. Don’t get caught up in PAS debate. It is the behaviors that impact children and alienated family members. Review the resources in Section 1 and check off actual observed behaviors. This will help you understand your situation and to identify what next steps need to be taken.
Please look over the entire site for different topics that may help you understand what is taking place. Sometimes we jump too quickly to a PAS diagnosis when some steps by the other parent fall into dull to normal actions by a separating parent trying to put in place two home boundaries e.g. changing the locks on the matrimonial home
The most heart-breaking obstacles facing a parent in building an enduring, supportive and involved relationship with their child are found in cases of estrangement, alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
Accompanying this ‘Open Letter’ is a page of resources from noted professionals who specialize in parental alienation. They explain the different terms and the common and not so common behaviors directed at the ‘other’ parent. These behaviors can create havoc for the targeted child, parent and extended family. The havoc is short and/or long-term interrupted parenting and even the permanent loss of the parent-child relationship…for a lifetime.
The resource webpage depicts the sense of loss and devastation for an alienated child, parent and grandparent. They will help identify if you are facing the risk of becoming an alienated parent or are engaging in alienating behaviors as a parent.
How alienation happens
It is important to review these resources and check off specific behaviors that are now occurring, and to identify any future danger signals/signs that are creeping into your day-to-day, parenting relationship.
How are these behaviors by the other parent impacting your relationship with your child? Remember that the behaviors by the alienating parent are also targeted at your child. The alienator’s ‘success’ requires the child to become an additional voice (buy in) expressing their anger verbally or through behavior toward their other parent.
The insidious fallout of alienation is that the targeted victim can be so disappointed with their child that they unfortunately create more ‘separateness’ from their child in their effort to alter the child’s behavior. This is especially true for children of tween or adolescent age.
It is important to incorporate parenting strategies to offset this possibility. It is a significant parenting challenge.
Most alienated parents can’t understand the child’s apparent anger at them. It can turn the best intended parenting time into a high conflict battleground. New, blended families sometimes fail to make it through the chaos triggered by alienating behaviors; one set of grandparents (alienated parent’s side) are often sidelined from a meaningful relationship with their grandchild or become estranged from their adult son or daughter in what feels like a battle of loyalties.
In our work with hundreds of separating parents, the devastating consequences of alienation have been the most troubling. The wall of separateness between a parent and child once built often requires emergency intervention, sooner than later. The reason, for building this site on how to separate, is an outcome born from the glaring failure of the legal and social service systems in difficult, parental conflicts, as shown in the example below.
Case study: Penny and her parents
Please read the following article from the National Post re: a case in the Toronto Family Court. As you do, jot down the different aspects of the case.
The case is described as an outlier. It is, but only in terms of the trial length and the financial costs. This case is not an outlier in any other way for too many separated families in Ontario!
Comments on the case
The above case is common – it is about reaching a sustainable, parenting agreement for their young daughter following a separation. It is what every separating couple with children must accomplish.
The father (a policeman – shift-work likely) and mother agreed to a parenting relationship described as ‘generous accesses’ for the father. While not recommended by Kids ‘n’ Dad, many separating parents who agree to such an arrangement are doing so to avoid the costs of lawyers and appear to have ‘no expectation’ of serious, future parenting problems. The need for work flexibility is often the driving force for such an arrangement.
It appears that generous access worked well enough for a year or more. Dad did his parenting in a way in which the mother was comfortable i.e. she maintained control of her toddler-aged daughter. The signs of alienating behavior were likely obscured by the vagueness of the schedule. The father tried to work within the terms of the agreement and lived with the glitches.
The apparent trigger that exposed the mother’s controlling behavior appears to be that the dad began dating and thus the appearance of a new, significant person in dad’s and daughter’s life. ‘Generous accesses soon became intermittent and disrupted access‘. The father now needed a predictable parenting schedule to avoid clashes with the mother before each parenting time.
The judge describes in graphic terms the devastating consequences of this too-common type of case. Listed below are several outcomes. It is only a partial list; add to the list additional outcomes that you would anticipate.
Note the following about Penny’s case
The behavior described by the judge re: parents;
The tragic impact on their daughter;
The length of time it took for the case to work through the system;
The other professionals involved with this family and child, who were inept or unable to help this young girl;
The judge described the mother as a ‘good mother’, otherwise. This informs us on how reluctant the judge was to condemn the mother i.e. the threshold that had to be met and was met;
Beneath the surface, there is a subtle criticism of the father for continuing the case i.e. not allowing the child to be parented by an abusive mother forever. Did he have another option?
The actual outcome – father awarded custody…for now; too late for all (?);
The impact on the parents, over such a long time, in terms of mental health, other relationships, cost, workplace, etc.
Grandparents’ loss over the years.
There are varying forms of alienation. In this case, the term alienation and the psychological term PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) is avoided by the judge. He focused on the devastating behaviors and the on-going impact on what is supposed to be a caring relationship.
What is most important is that parents recognize if they are behaving as described in the PAS resources. Forced intervention through the legal process or social service system (F&CS) is often too late to prevent tragic outcomes from becoming lifetime outcomes.
In the resources is An Open Letter to Children Estranged from a Parent from their parent in the short and long-term. It is a letter that reflects the failure of our current system. It is intended to be useful in reaching out to an alienated child in late adolescence or adulthood.
Alienation or estrangement?
How do you distinguish alienation from estrangement? The different resources should help you. Remember, each parent has a differing relationship with each of their children. Difficult parenting relationships within the intact family, especially with tweens and adolescents, may be your situation. For some parents, estrangement may be a better description than parent-driven alienation.
If it is estrangement, then parenting support is necessary from both parents to repair the parent-child relationship. It is in the interests of both parents to improve the parenting relationship with the child. Estrangement can lead to dangerous behaviors by the adolescent. Estrangement may require strategies for the specific parent-child to recognize and deal with past relationship factors.
The separating process of an unhappy, intimate relationship can contribute to neglected parenting or an adolescent child intervening on one side or the other.
The crisis of the separating may not reflect the actual caring relationship between the estranged parent and child.
The legal system and alienation
False allegations of partner or child abuse are too commonplace in custody disputes. The exchange of legal documents can quickly inform the ‘other parent’ on whether they are facing potential alienation.
Almost every allegation of abuse is accompanied by a legal remedy seeking a form of sole custody. If a parent seeks such a parenting arrangement without cause, the other parent needs to be concerned- i.e. a red flag going forward. How you separate is particularly important to avoid controversial allegations (see the Intimate Partner Abuse section).
A disturbing form of alienation is child abduction. The classic case is literally the disappearance of parent and child. This occurs when a parent has family roots in another country. The parent leaves with or without consent (signed form from the other parent) with their child for another country on a holiday but intending to never return.
The Hague Conventionis an international agreement that governs member nations to act in a collaborative manner to return a child to their home of residence (prevailing legal jurisdiction). Canada has signed the Convention. Not all countries have signed, and some countries are better at enforcement. See this CBC article for a Canadian example of this situation.
A second form of ‘abduction’ can occur legally through what are called mobility rights. This is when a parent, often with sole custody or joint custody (majority parenting time), wishes to relocate with their child an hour or two away or across the country. If the parent with majority time has a ‘good reason’ for moving (remarriage, job opportunity, etc.), they will likely be allowed to move. They may have an obligation to meet a standard that accommodates the other parent’s access.
Long-distance parenting can become the source of separateness
Mobility rights should be covered off in any parenting agreement, even if it seems a remote possibility for either parent. It should recognize the principle of similar parenting opportunity for the non-moving parent and the requirement for the parent seeking the move to be accommodating (costs, access) to the other parent. The reason for moving is always subject to scrutiny/debate and may not be assumed as happening by the majority parenting time parent.
Accidental or careless Alienation/Estrangement can be an outcome when a parent consistently fails to live up to their parenting commitment by disappearing from their child’s life; there is a pattern over time of poor parenting behaviors i.e., no timely calls to child or other parent; a failure to prioritize parenting responsibility; lack of involvement in child’s education, medical care, opportunities, etc.
While the offending parent may only hear criticism from the other parent, the reality is that the parent may have earned the ‘scolding’ and separateness from their child. This does not need to be permanent; but in and out of a child’s life is difficult for the child and for the child rearing parent. One can often find an excuse for their ‘dropping out’ again and again; but an excuse for past behavior does not erase doubts for future parenting.
These situations are remedied over the long-term by consistent involvement and meeting responsibilities in a joyful way. Earning back the trust of the ‘custodial parent’ and child can be a lengthy process that requires evidence of an enduring commitment.
Note: This paper was composed years ago to understand the complexity and broad range of issues within this topic. It is a resource list – some may be dated, however most are educational and comprehensive.
Do your own research. Find support services to help in your recovery if a victim or a perpetrator.
There are many difficult issues connected to any discussion of this topic, and it is specifically so in a family setting. Once violence or other forms of abuse become public the intimate relationship is likely to end and the intact family is likely going to come to an abrupt end.
I am writing this as someone who has two adult daughters and one adult son, and several granddaughters and grandsons. My wish is that they live in an environment free from being victimized by abusive behaviors or from being an individual who commits abusive acts.
In the recommended resources, there are several articles on signs a) of abusive behaviors; b) of being a victim; c) of gender abuse against women and/or men; d) of support services designed to protect victims, etc.
In our work at Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support and through this website our mission is to find approaches that prevent such behaviors and ensures children remain connected to each parent and extended family.
Please read carefully the materials provided below. An intimate relationship breakdown, even in relationships with no history of abusive behavior, can precipitate high risk/volatile situations once the separation is initiated and during the difficult, early weeks and months.
Finding supports for these initial discussions re: separating may be necessary and appropriate for families who have experienced volatility during their relationship. The worst potential outcomes for children, parents and extended families may occur in the way you end the intimate relationship.
Below are resources over a comprehensive range of topics on Domestic Violence. They were done a few years ago but set out potential direction for matching your situation.
What is relationship conflict or abusive behavior?
Below are recommended resources to understand these issues.
This post is intended to educate parents about ‘common’ and ‘unique’ struggles faced by children as their family (parents) enter the early and not so early stages of separation. For more specific support from a divorce scholar, see our post summarizing Judith Wallerstein’s child development section from What about the Kids.
While Kids ‘n’ Dads is focused on these essential family relationships, it is necessary to understand the different impact, possible outcomes, and strategies for parents to meet the challenges.
Parents may have children at different developmental stages, and our desire is to motivate you as a parent or grandparent to search out further understanding through additional resources, including if necessary, professional support.
Each of your children is unique by gender, age, personality and upbringing. Each child has their own ‘unique and similar’ relationship with each parent and caregiver.
Different needs throughout development
Judith Wallerstein’s comments help us understand what to expect from each age range.
Children from infancy through to 7-8 years of age are less likely to make a judgment about who caused the disruption and chaos in their lives. For the most part, children in these early stages react to the consequences; namely, emotional volatility of parents, chaos and disruption to daily schedule, etc.
The impact upon these children is straight forward. Kids ‘n’ Dad resources would suggest that the parents are more in control of limiting the impact and disruption in their child’s life’, especially if they have the right support.
The separating process appears through a flawed process to almost encourage parents to engage in conflict, not over ending their intimate relationship, but over who is the most significant parent. An issue that likely was not a concern in the intact family prior to separating; nor needs to be a concern in the changing family.
Support services, legal and social, must focus on ensuring that children have both parents and extended families in their early, life stages. Support must be about continuing/ building/rebuilding essential relationships. If services are not dedicated to that purpose, they are failing children and our community.
Adolescence and the evolving views of children
The developmental stages of early to late adolescence are noteworthy for the challenges it presents to separating parents and social supports. Children in these stages make judgments about right and wrong and as such of their parents and who is responsible for the separation.
My life experience is specifically with these developmental stages. At the time of our family separation, my children’s ages ranged from 12+ to 16+ and 19+. Each child reacted differently based on different factors.
Each child measured ‘fault’ through their own lens, based on the disruption, chaos, impact upon them. Each parent wanted to support them, but the early chaos barely allowed us to place one foot ahead of the other, let alone support our children in any rational way. Adolescents make judgments; sometimes wisely, often however, their judgments may lead to behaviors with significant risk.
As a secondary school teacher and girls and boy’s basketball coach for thirty years, I spent considerable time with this age group. In addition, my two oldest children were adopted at birth. So a family breakdown at the time of adolescence (remember that judgment thing) added another layer of failure to my view of personal responsibility for my children’s pain.
Would this add to their possible sense of abandonment, already part of their life journey?
Our observation is that the legal system has surrendered to having any significant influence on keeping or building two parent and two-family relationships. The age where children have significant influence on who they live with has dramatically shifted downward from 16 to 12 years of age to …?
The abdication of principled support demands that parents must recognize that long-term, positive outcomes for their children rests with both parents committed to endorsing the ‘other parent and family’ in their child’s life.
Organizations such as F&CS have an important, but narrow definition of their mission- safety of the child. Eliminating a parent or extended family from a child is too often a way out of working with both parents and children.
Limited research provides evidence that about 1/3 of separated mothers don’t believe that fathers should continue to play any part in the child’s life. In addition, research suggests that F&CS and Family Court judges receive little or no feedback on whether the decisions they presided over had the desired outcome or whether it turned ‘solvable problems into unsolvable outcomes’ (2010 Law Commission of Ontario Report).
Parents are facing a support system often choosing one parent over another parent at a specific moment in time. By falling into this trap, support professionals are admitting that they have no underlying belief in their own skills; nor any core foundation for what children need in the short and long-term, at every developmental stage, as their family enters the ‘crises of their family’s life.
Divorce and the developing child
Parents must remember that the long-term health of their children should not be sacrificed to the breakdown of their intimate relationship.
The following quote from What About the Kids reinforces the importance of understanding the stages of development and allowing us to support our children.
“And here is the problem in a nutshell. Your divorce may interrupt your child’s developmental progress. Many children get stuck temporarily at the time of the breakup because they’re exhausted by what’s happening at home.”
Of course, there are many warning signs and as parents in an intact family we are aware of the impact of the volatility between parents. Children are having temper tantrums, breaking rules, fighting with other children, lethargic, etc.
The question becomes whether the changes are temporary or prolonged? Are they observed by other care providers?’ If these changes continue for ‘too long’, it is important to begin an assessment. What are the chaos factors that can be changed? Sometimes the changes in your child can be about a child being too responsible, too adult.
Lessons from your own journey
Parents have a read on their children. Each child is usually very different from each other. After the separation we are looking for changes. Changes can be a temperament that becomes exaggerated or more extreme i.e. a sensitive child can barely function now at school; a child who is fun loving and friendly become sullen and withdrawn. These ‘clues’ should be a part of an on-going conversation between parents before talking to the children about the separation and as they observe and care for their children in two homes.
Separating parents fear just about everything; control often seems to rest with your former intimate partner or ‘the system’ or quite frankly there is no control, only chaos. Yet, parents are the adults! A reality is also that we need to be careful that we don’t jump the gun and project our adult perception to be the child’s reality.
In today’s community, children often have schoolmates or friends that come from separated families. Our expectation is that adolescent+ children should not be shocked by such an event. We may believe they saw it coming. Consider that most separating parents (you) have any number of colleagues, friends and siblings, who have separated. Yet studies would suggest that such an experience rarely prevent a separation from becoming the crisis of a family’s life.
Parents must remain vigilant and look for clues by observing your child’s behavior; in addition, be sure to include significant others in your child’s life e.g. grandparents, day-care workers, teachers, coaches, close friends who spent/spend time with your child, and professionals.
The best conversation would be with the other parent, who knows your child best and is planning to be forever in their child’s life.
Earlier, the fact that family separation is more common today was considered. A new wrinkle is that many parents today may have come from a home where a separation occurred during their childhood. In some ways, the break-up of your intimate relationship with children has an added layer of guilt. Most of us were determined that would never happen to us; thus it would never ‘touch’ our children as it ‘touched’ us.
It may be a time that causes more reflection about the impact on your childhood and adulthood.
Looking for more resources on education? Check out the Development and School sections under the General Parenting Resources on the Audience page.
My name is Barry Lillie and in 2005 I started a non-profit called Kids ‘n’ Dad Shared Support (KND) The mission of KND is to ensure that every child following a family breakdown has the daily love and support of both parents and extended families … for a lifetime.
I had three children, ages 12 (G), 16 (G), and 19 (B) at the time of our separation. Each parent-child relationship was different in the intact family and as such each relationship was different in unpredictable ways in the post-separation family. From the outset of our separation, I lived with the fear that I could lose my relationship with each of my children at some time following the separation. Each of your parents likely had that common fear and this may have contributed to your ‘separateness’ from one of your parents and their extended family.
This ‘open letter’ is my attempt to provide an understanding of what occurs in virtually every separating family. Support services are often adversarial instead of healing i.e. intervention (after damage done) delivery of support over timely, preventive delivery of support.
My experience suggests that there is rarely effective support provided to the whole family. Recently a veteran lawyer in our community referred to traditional/common family law as a ‘blood sport’
Calm in the chaos
I began Kids n Dad Shared Support after most of the ‘bad stuff’ in my family’s separation was over and there were signs of calm replacing chaos, resiliency overcoming despair and love/care replacing anger. For many of you who are still separated from a parent, I can only hope that you have moved to a less troubled place in your life. Growing into adulthood is in part about gaining perspective on your journey in order to become a more thoughtful and generous individual, intimate partner and parent.
Since I am talking to those of you who are likely in late adolescence, young adulthood or later, you have likely experienced a failed dating relationship on a personal level or through observing such with close friends. Hopefully, through those shared experience of pain and heartache you have gained perspective that intimate relationships are often bumpy at best and volatile at worst.
If you are reading this message, then you are likely currently viewed by someone who believes that you have been seriously hurt/damaged by your family separation. You may be in the early stages of ‘distancing’ from one parent and one extended family. You may also be in a full-blown estrangement that has been going on for several years.
Some of you may now be ‘somewhat comfortable’ with your anger at that ‘other’ parent; you have ‘moved on’ and try to ignore the questions or thoughts about your other parent by employing the best ‘survival’ techniques in your tool box.
Many of you may be holding on to family histories that lack texture and were written in the heat of an intimate relationship breakdown that hurt you and everyone around you.
Estrangement – a common story
This article from the Globe and Mail was written by a young woman, a child of a separation. Many of you in the long-term estrangement group can probably relate to her blunt assessment of the separation’s personal impact and her attempt to reconcile her feelings about her parents, etc. Her words resonate with most separated children and their elusive search to understand what took place in their life and family’s journey.
I found her personal story incredibly sad because she seemed so detached from both sides of her family, including even her primary, day to day parent-her mother. She was wounded and I would suggest she remains wounded in ways that may jeopardize her hopes and expectations going forward. Again, through her essay we understand the importance of getting the changed, parental relationshipunder control by finding the best resources to ensure the best opportunity for building enduring, inclusive relationships.
Meanwhile, this National Post article outlines a lengthy custody battle for a little girl. In some ways it may be viewed as a worst case scenario. The reality is that this case begins with that common parental fear of losing their little girl. The ‘fear’ is common in almost every separation with children. This case is not an outlier, except in the costs and length of the trial. Many of you were children who suffered through similar, unending parental conflict; many of you are still suffering from that conflict on special occasions, etc.
Your parents were unable to establish calm from the chaos. Often many unpleasant, negative outcomes derive for all parties from the inability to find their way through the chaos. There are many reasons for the failure; but for those of you estranged for many years the reason hardly matters any more. In many ways it simply remains as your explanation for being ‘stuck’ or for preferring a sort of comfortable place (risk freer).
Stuck and/or comfortable as descriptors are not meant to be criticisms. They simply describe where you may be…at this time. The ‘at this time’ is intended to make you think about what is under your control, your determination.
Not too long ago a client (dad) was in court re: a financial matter for post-secondary education and the judge asked his daughter (age 19) why she was not seeing her dad. It had been over 10 years. She referred to an event over a decade old that was considered by F&CS as minor. The father in the intervening decade had no direct contact with her while still meeting his obligations in every way including birthdays and other special events and holidays. In addition he raised his daughter’s brother on his own. He always hoped that brother and sister would eventually find each other. This has not happened!
She is stuck and no one around her including the judge suggested that reconnecting with her dad was ok. They did worse than remain indifferent – they in effect, through silence, endorsed it. This young woman was stuck in someone else’s narrative from yesteryear. She is likely to remain living a life absent of important, love sustaining relationships (father, brother, extended family) based on this faulty, incomplete narrative. The risk, whatever the perception, seems too great I suppose.
Write your own narrative
This open letter is intended to motivate parents and children to write their own life narrative, for better or worse.
The Courts and F&CS too often have abandoned their responsibility re: what separated families need. These bodies are stuck in a time warp and a narrow mandate of child protection. In the Toronto Court Case, it is clear that these organizations failed this young girl, the father, mother and extended families by not intervening and supporting the families in a timely and effective way.
I recently met a woman in her mid-thirties who had not talked to her dad for 25-30 years. The father had intermittently provided financial support and Christmas and birthday gifts. She was asking me the question about reaching out. The father had indicated through letters over the years and recently of his desire to find a way to get together. She was curious and interested; however, another sibling expressed no interest and even anger at such a step.
She was ‘stuck’ still, but not so comfortable. In her mid-thirties her life and relationships were in part still coloured by her parents’ separation and the narrative that she accepted as a child. Her life experiences had taught her that the accepted childhood narrative was likely incomplete and flawed.
Her dilemma is common for many now adult children of a separation. Her dilemma is common to many of you. She has coped ‘well enough’ and is uncertain that a rewriting of her family’s narrative, for better or worse, after so many years’ is worth the risk. Each child has to weigh that question for themselves.
As an aside, I have observed close-up my daughter (adopted at two months of age) go through the adoption registry and re-engage with her birth mother some twenty years later. There were no guarantees for either party that it would be successful or fulfilling; but, for each of them there was a deep need to do what I call the journey to the ‘completing of the whole of the child’. I have come to a place as a consequence of my daughter’s journey where I believe a registry type process should be available through social services that enable estranged children and parents to voluntarily engage in a process for reconnecting.
A few observations about separations
If you have not seen your other parent for months and even years consider whether you are stuck with a narrative that may lack texture. Early separation narrative is rarely written with any degree of perspective.
We live in a society that believes in no-fault divorce. For the intimate partners, no fault may be irrelevant as they are stuck by anger, revenge, depression and perhaps the need to simply run away. What is important here is whether you believe that relationships do end sometimes awkwardly or worse.
Every research project tells us that children are more likely to thrive following a breakdown when both parents and extended family are part of the child’s ongoing life. If that is not your outcome then there is a substantial level of failure by many parties.
Read about what happens in too many families and the failing legal process. Rates of situational depression are 4-6 times higher for separated mothers and fathers compared to intact families. Many of you are not seeing your parent or extended family because of parental depression at the time of separating and going forward.
You probably have learned by this time in your life that perfection has eluded you as well as your other parent. You just try your best; but consider whether it would be a shame to miss out on the love and support of your other parent because you were afraid to take a brave step and assess that relationship as an adult.
Adult parent-child relationships are quite unique, supportive and loving. I have come to believe that they are equally important to the developmental years. The ‘lost’ parent of childhood can be the amazing support in adulthood and to the next generation
Reflections on my journey
My first two children were adopted at 2 months of age. As stated earlier my daughter was 12 when she expressed this ‘need’ to find her birth mother. This was impossible at that time for the process was that you signed an adoption registry at 18 and if both child and birth parent had registered there would be a process to make a coming together happen. At 19 my daughter registered!
As an adoptive parent, I initially found the process hurtful-the rules were changed (sealed information) from when we adopted. However, in time I realized that this was about my daughter and her need to understand, in part, the question of who she is. My love for our daughter didn’t change because of her desire to answer that question. I lived with that fear that I spoke about earlier. But that is my fear.
My daughter had the courage to follow through while still loving us as her mother and father. She and her birth mother took a risk and in doing so added a loving relationship to their day to day lives. It was a risk for both as expectations and reality now intersected. There was no certainty in her situation, nor in your situation. But is continuing based on a flawed narrative really preferable?
My daughter remained my daughter and her need taught me that children, all children have the right to have that question answered about who they are – the completing of the whole child.
I also concluded that no child could have too many persons in their life that love and care for them at any stage of life. I also believe that as an adult I want the opportunity to be loved and to love as many significant persons as possible in my life and to control my own adult narrative.
Christmas is a time when I often reflect on my personal narrative. My daughter who had lived with me for 2 years following the separation had left to return to her mother’s home. I was distraught. After many months of little or no contact a knock on my door occurred near midnight on Christmas Eve. It was my daughter with her boyfriend. With tears in my eyes I welcomed her. For the next 3 hours we talked and talked about her life. What or why the separateness happened did not matter. Her courage and motivation by her boyfriend’s mother (external support) changed our lives forever.
She was the courageous one and I was prepared for such a hopeful happening. When we say that we can’t do this or that, it is rarely accurate. We may not be ready at that moment; but as adults, in the end, we are usually in control of what we choose to do or choose not to do.
There are professionals, friends, etc., who are able to provide additional support to make reconnecting a step by step process or a giant leap of faith or something in between.
In our work with clients and in my personal journey I have concluded that estranged/alienated parents and children live in fear of taking the next step.
There are no guarantees that what you want the other parent to be is what you will find. The best advice for taking a first step (the version of the adoption registry) is that you prepare yourself for whatever happens; but go into it cautiously optimistic. Find a support to make the get together less stressful. Consider employing a professional to moderate the initial meeting. I would focus on the here and now; ask questions about the past only if absolutely necessary in the early stages. Save them for future conversations, if possible. Rebuild on a step by step process.
‘A reconnection for an estranged child is often a time of uncertainty, confusion and even defiance; but usually motivated by a desire to fill a hole in their heart and life, forever. A reconnection for an estranged parent is scary. Most are afraid to reach out; but pray for that moment every day.
– Barry Lillie, founder, Kids ‘n’ Dad
For more on Barry’s own journey with separation, see the About Us section.
Everything about taking a step toward creating a new blended family is complicated, confusing and even confounding. What seems like a straightforward step to begin exploring the possibility of a new, intimate relationship often brings unexpected and unpredictable strains.
Remember the first rule of a family separation: EVERY FAMILY RELATIONSHIP UNDERGOES DRAMATIC CHANGES AND RISKS! In addition the risks are not limited to immediate family but also to every caring relationship in your family circle.
For many separating parents there has been a loss of intimacy for some time. As such there is often a personal need to find someone to care for and someone who reaffirms our value as a loving person and a caring parent. Our self-portrait often has taken a beating in the months before and after a separation. Putting yourself out in this setting feels risky and to be truthful is risky.
It is good to remember that there are other paths to personal recovery (renewal) before introducing an even more complicated post-separation environment. The message is simply to have your eyes wide open.
For this section I am going to deal with concerns that impact Family Renewal and your possible journey to building a new blended/complicated family.
When do you start dating?
This is a complicated question. Research informs us that in general men/fathers begin dating considerably sooner than women/mothers following a separation. There is a negative explanation around this that somehow fathers now are ‘free to play around’ at last.
The reality is that there are many factors that provide a better explanation. Research suggests that separated fathers are 6 times as likely to suffer from situational depression as fathers in an intact family setting. The reasons appear to be that more dads are living outside the matrimonial home without their children most of the time. This same study suggests that the intact family is the main source of support for dads and the separation is a two prong assault on who they are. Dating is an understandable outcome.
This question would have little importance if each of us was an independent adult- we are separated aren’t we? We are BUT the ending of intimacy often is less defined for each party in a separation.
The beginning of any dating is a statement to your ‘former’ intimate partner and to your children that the return of the intact family is unlikely. It is a statement- intended or otherwise- that you are moving your life forward in this area of life.
This is not about finding fault for ‘moving on’ too soon or for isolating oneself out of fear to take a risk. Whatever the choice one needs to be prepared for very human outcomes.
Children often hold on to the hope that the intact family that they have only known will return/ get back to normal. They may believe that such a reunion would end the grief and sorrow of one or both of their parents. Even a ‘normalcy’ that was by all measures considerably unhappy is something familiar and manageable to them. When you look at the disruption that has entered their life through the parents’ choice this is understandable.
Most people enter into a serious post separation relationship at some time. Many parents may put off a formal separation and the beginning of a new home until their children are of an age that they deem more suitable. But one of the discoveries in our work with 100’s of separating parents is the young (toddler) age of their children for many separating families. Few parents are going to delay serious relationships for 10-20 years. Parenting in a blended/complicated family is a significant challenge for the new partners and every parenting relationship.
If you have child (ren) then a serious dating relationship is complicated. Making ‘mistakes’ is inevitable so you need to be able to forgive yourself, recover and learn along the way. Avoid past mistakes and angry outbursts. Try to understand the basis for these outbursts for they can have serious repercussions on your children and your children’s other parent.
So we are back to the original question – when do you start dating?
When you are ready! I am sure that you are grateful for my answer. You need to sort this out based on your readiness and the impact on those that matter to you. Another relationship concern involves your dating partner. Are your dating goals similar or very different? Are you honest with that person about your relationship intentions? Of course you may not know yourself in the early stages but at some point you will sense your own and your new relationship’s long term goal.
I dated early and we are now in our 24th year of a complicated new family. It was an uneasy (on-going chaos) and interrupted courtship. I began dating without understanding the impact and consequences that it would have on my new partner, children and others that I cared for. On the other hand I have found a wonderful life partner for myself and my children and grandchildren.
Included in the resources are personal essays by myself and others that hopefully will provide some needed insight for you on the topic of new, complicated (blended) families.
Questions
Telling the children:
Honesty is preferable…probably. There is a tendency to be shy/hesitant about revealing that you are dating. Consider that the other side of the coin is to not tell them. What are the possible consequences of remaining silent? They are not particularly praiseworthy. Obviously the age of the children may play a part. Judgment is more likely to come from children who are tween, adolescence or even young adults. Your relationship is also more vulnerable with these age groups. They likely have a working relationship with their other parent. So keeping a secret from your former intimate partner will be short-lived once the children are in the loop. Revealing that you are dating is not the same as initiating a meeting between your children and a dating partner.
So I am in support of a two stage plan re: the children. 1. Discuss age appropriately that you are considering beginning to date. Give some lead time. 2. If you begin dating then keep them in the loop including basic information. Limit the details. The length of the relationship will prompt enough attention to move to the next step of introducing the children. This next step may be timed differently for each child based on their age, readiness and willingness.
Telling your former intimate partner of your children/shared parenting partner:
It is a mouthful, but clearly for a reason. This relationship is clearly complicated and needs to be an on-going parenting success for you and your children. We have decided that keeping a dating relationship secret is difficult at best for any length of time. So I believe that the identical approach as employed with the children should be followed. I would add a pre- step; namely, that both parties should acknowledge the dating possibility for either intimate partner in the future. This conversation may result in an agreed to voluntary ‘grace period’ before any dating occurs to allow for any change in the decision by one or the other former partners.
The future is uncertain but transparency is surely what we can do for our children.
There are no guaranteed reactions from you child (ren) or the other parent. Sometimes a negative reaction of the child triggers a negative reaction from the other parent even when we have handled the matter with apparent care. Changing the children’s response may require patience and sensitivity. If it is entirely a child’s reaction professional support may be necessary. On the other hand if the negative reaction appears to be parent driven it may become a more serious parenting concern. A child may be caught in the middle and be used as a weapon against the other parent. Anxiety is the characteristic most likely observed by the other parent. The parenting conflict is over the cause of the anxiety- dating or the other parent’s response to dating or the child’s particular make-up or etc.
**A very common cause for interrupted parenting is a child’s anxiety to do sleepovers. The cause for the anxiety is almost always unclear and speculative. It can go on for a long time before normal parenting arrangements are reinstated with a therapist’s blessing.
Your former intimate partner’s reaction to your dating may bring out contradictory behavior. They may be dating but consider your dating to be unacceptable. The difficulty sometimes has consequences on shared parenting/sleepovers. A common reason or ‘excuse’ may be that the child doesn’t want to see you when in fact it is your former partner driving this outcome.
Dating and serious dating may trigger what I call the ‘great fear’ of every parent; namely, losing our parenting relationship. Warning signs are available often immediately and this may lead to interrupted parenting or even confrontations in front of the child during pick-ups and returns. It can be a high risk time and necessary protective steps (a witness) might be required to ensure safety for all.
Dating is a ‘normal’ next step. One parent’s readiness to engage in such should not be subject to a parenting sanction. Pangs of hurt, jealousy or envy are normal enough but our role as a parent is to place our love for our child ahead of reckless reactions. If this is too difficult then professional support must be found ASAP. Long-term harm and criminal behavior (stalking) are too common behaviors.
The greatest gift that a parent can give their child in their complicated life is your endorsement/blessing to enjoy their time in their other parent’s new home! If you have young children each parent is likely going to have new relationships in their lives. It is emotionally difficult; however it is our parenting role to manage the emotional side of our behavior for our children.
The Record’s Father’s Day weekend edition — specifically the June 20 story “More men go for parenting advice” — was disappointing and troubling for the implications about the importance of the role of fathers in the life of their family.
Taking a parenting course is admirable and enriching, but dads everywhere — even those who don’t take such a course — are doing the parenting role every day in different ways.
Sometimes it is done by driving a truck five days a week, beginning at 6 a.m., to provide for the family; it is done by coaching every sport imaginable; it is done by reading to or with their children after a long work day; it is done by warm hugs and encouraging words, and it is done through love and support in countless ways.
The Record’s almost non-existent approach to Father’s Day reminds me of Amos’ lament and resignation in the song “Mister Cellophane,” from the musical “Chicago”: “Cause you can look right through me. Walk right by me, and never know I was there.”
The research on the importance of fathers is vital for the doubters about a father’s role in positive outcomes for children. The doubters are not, however, dads. We knew our importance from the moment our child was placed in our arms: namely, to love our daughters and sons forever, through whatever.
There are no conditions on that love and support, and no course required.
The same research cited in the Record article reveals what every father knows: Becoming a father, being a dad, was and is the transformational event in their lives
In an interview with the Toronto Sun this past winter, Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry captured eloquently this common truth about fatherhood:
” ‘But … fatherhood, that changed everything. He’s (his three-year-old son Carter) done more for me than I’ve done for him. He’s a bigger influence on my life. It made me more of a man. It made me more of a grown-up. It made me more mature. It made me understand that life is bigger than just basketball …’ “
The headline on The Record’s article on parenting advice gives the sense that being a dad is provisional, something that can be minimized by whether one stepped up and took a course. Fathering is under attack in subtle, and not so subtle ways.
I am reminded of a 2012 Record story about a Kitchener father who was arrested at his child’s elementary school, moved to a holding cell and strip-searched. His children and wife were separately interrogated by Family and Children’s Services.
The reason for all this? His four-year-old daughter drew a picture in class of her father and her shooting imaginary dragons with a toy gun.
Every professional involved preferred (or chose) the negative image of Sansone. No apology was forthcoming because all the protocols were followed. Sansone, in an interview later, posed an interesting question that professionals were unable or unwilling to answer: “How do you tell a criminal from a father?”
At 71, I know I am an imperfect father and grandfather. I also understand the most significant and enduring gift that I received from my father, and he from his father, was at the end of the day a simple one, namely that a father’s love is forever, through whatever.
It is worth celebrating. It is worth strengthening. The magic is that it endures forever — from child to dad to grandpa.
As Kyle Lowry said, “But … fatherhood, that changed everything.”
Fortunately, families everywhere celebrate that reality one family at a time.
For more on navigating separation and the holidays, see all posts from the blog tagged with Holidays.
Notes from the publications of author and psychologist Richard Warhshak. See his website for more resources.
Children’s attitudes during the breakup may be temporary. They may be reacting to an isolated event, such as a fight between parents or the discovery of an affair, rather than the full history of their relationship with each parent.
They may complain about a parenting plan because of minor frustrations and not really consider the drawbacks of alternative plans.
Children may tell each parent what they think that parent wants to hear at the time.
May reflect trivial reasons or immature thinking.
Examples: A five year old girl wants to live with her daddy because he lets her eat as much candy as she wants. A ten year old boy wants to live with his mom because she lets him stay up as late as he wants. A fifteen year old girl wants to live with her father and stepmother because they impose no curfew, allow her to drink alcohol, commiserate with her about the uselessness of education, and promise her a luxury car if she moves in with them.
Preference to live with a parent may be unhealthy. For instance, a boy may have a close identification with a father who treats the mother with violence and disrespect. The boy’s closer tie to his father may be long-standing and may lead the boy to express a preference for a parenting plan that maximizes time with his dad while minimizing time with his mom. Such a plan, though, is likely to further entrench the boy’s unhealthy identification. Another example: a boy may be too closely tied to his mom and afraid of leaving her side, so he says he doesn’t want to spend the night at his dad’s house.
Children may say they want to live with a parent because they think they need to take care of that parent.
Children may show loyalty to one parent because they are afraid of him and don’t want him to be angry with them.
The biggest problem with giving children a say in custody decisions is that it puts them in the middle of their parents’ disputes. If the kid’s attitude is going to influence the court, then there is a greater risk that one or both parents will put pressure on the child to takes sides with one parent against the other. So when a child expresses an opinion about custody, it may be the child’s voice dubbed with the words of whichever parent has the most influence over the child at that moment in time.
Throughout our resources are warnings that are worrisome for any separating parent about the legal system and Family Law.
The FRRP is about minimizing the role of the legal system by educating parents so that they are in charge of their family’s future/destiny through knowledgeable decisions, with or without a lawyer. The FRRP goal and hopefully your goal is to work toward a shared parenting agreement that respects and includes the other parent and extended family in the lives of your children.
If Family Law and the employment of lawyers had a respected record of success re: maintaining the involvement of both families, then the employment of family law lawyers would be a no-brainer. But research informs us otherwise. Recently a local family law lawyer described the adversarial system/approach as ‘blood sport’. A Must Read!
In the readings are several case examples that are evidence of a failed system. Consider the option of an adversarial system at a time when emotions often override judgment and decisions are made out of self-interest and not family interests, all done with significant financial cost.
Generally, self-representation is chosen because of financial strains. Debts are greater than assets as few people are prepared financially for a separation with children. Two homes cost more than one home. Legal aid is not provided to the working poor. The default position for some is self-representation or significantly more debt and/or borrowing from family.
If self-representation leads to better outcomes for children and parents in the long run, it will seem to be the approach to take. The evidence is unclear.
What are the outcomes for myself and my children by self-representing?
There is some evidence that self-representation can be self-defeating in terms of outcomes. There is however scarce research on this topic and often the evidence is anecdotal based on a patchwork of stories. Evidence is so individualized that it may fail a more general statement about effectiveness- positive or negative.
Our own analysis has found that the legal profession and family law judges repeatedly complain about the trend to self-representation and as such they rarely are friendly to self-representation. The lack of knowledge of procedures, etc., for wannabe lawyers slows the judicial process. In other words, the system and the professionals within the system are trained to meet the requirements of Family Law-you aren’t!
I have had limited experience in self-representation. As a 30- year classroom teacher, (in front of people)reasonably educated, and a suitable temperament (?), my limited experiences produced mixed results helping clients in Court. In my last experience I lasted maybe 15 seconds and was told to go to the back, sit down and be quiet. No explanation!
I had noted just prior to the above, a conversation between the other lawyer and the judge (colleagues). I decided then to no longer represent anyone in court for I feared my presence was self-defeating for my client. My advice would be provided outside the court room.
I was ill-prepared mentally for the smack down that resulted in a $1500 fine for court costs to my friend/client- wasting the Court’s time. Even worse, was watching my client/friend caught like a deer in the headlights by a judge who displayed zero empathy for this good dad.
In our resources re: Bill C-78 (amendments to the Divorce Act-2018), a local Family Law lawyer mentioned earlier described the system as a ‘blood sport’. This same lawyer is devoting her Family Law work to Collaborative Law. Unfortunately, the cost of Collaborative Law (lawyers) is too expensive for many of you; however, if it leads to a just settlement outside of Court, it may be worthwhile. A drawback is that if Collaborative Law breaks down the clients must obtain alternative, legal counsel.
In this section on self-representation, there is obviously considerable information on Family Law- i.e. a crash course on becoming a lawyer. Even if you eventually turn to a lawyer or even have a lawyer currently, this helps you to be more knowledgeable about the process, your lawyer’s directions, and may save time that saves you money.
Self-representation is more doable when the parents have agreed to try a family friendly approach, and high conflict is unlikely.
You need to be built for self-representing or acquire the skills for such. It will require a commitment at a time when your life is emotionally and parenting wise overly complicated. See essay: My Family Matters Too!
I did not intend to be as negative as I may sound. There are statistics that in some jurisdictions 55-80 % of parents are self-representing. Perhaps by being foot soldiers, the acceptability of this approach by parents may change the system. The emphasis may become focused on alternative approaches (Bill C-78) that pre-empt the traditional legal journey described as a ‘blood sport’.
Go beyond what is provided here. This is only a start.
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